No Going Back

Happy Monday, friends and fam!  I hope your week is off to a good start.  I joined Jace and Kyndal for my first swim day of 2025 on Saturday... yay for Mom and Dad having a heated pool!!  I'm a little sore from the extra hills and speed training, so it felt really great to be in the water.  We had fun playing Marco Polo and Sharks and Minnows and watching J do backflips and cannonballs, then Mom and Dad and Rach and Tman joined us for a family dinner at Ted's - all fun!

The Wilsons and Mosses got together for dinner at the Moss manor that night, and getting this pic from Chet Lee made me happy!

Saturday morning was a 6-mile jog at the Station.  I didn't sleep well, so I was out there earlier than usual, and I was surprised and slightly concerned to see several Moore Police vehicles and policemen standing outside.  I hesitantly approached and asked one of them what was going on, and I learned that it was testing day for the Police Academy... so that was pretty fun!  They were running hard drills and various training exercises and had a drone filming it overhead, and it all made the run far more interesting/fun!  I cheered them on, partly in my head and partly whilst they were running circles around me... and of course, I still stopped to enjoy the flowering trees, as well! =)

Thus far (in all of life and particularly in the 75-Soft challenge), my adventures in dating have been a lot of effort with very little to show for it.  Over the years, I've sincerely tried friend setups, eHarmony, Match, Christian Mingle, Facebook dating, Bumble, Tawkify, and I'm currently trying Hinge.  At this age, I'm mostly finding panicked divorcees (or separated men pretending to be divorced) who are in a rush to find a replacement wife but aren't emotionally healed or ready to be dating again... or incredibly passive singles who are content to play video games in their spare time while messaging endlessly without taking action or asking anyone out and are "still figuring out their relationship type" in their mid-40s. #massiveeyeroll  There are a plethora of men who are too aggressive or too passive, but it only takes one normal, driven, mature man of God, so I'm holding onto hope for that!  And enlisting friends in this endeavor.  (So if you know me well and read this blog, consider this permission to play matchmaker if any good single men come to mind!)

I know precious little about it, but the Jaceman follows Paul Cuffaro on YouTube and was excited to get to talk to him on the phone this weekend, so I'm excited that he's excited!  He also had his friend TJ over to spend the night during Spring Break, and this = them checking out the new fish tank! =)

Me and my best couple franz! lol  (In my head, that's to the tune of Marshall's "Now that we're best couple friends" song on HIMYM)  I made a Tulsa trip on Sunday and joined the Wilsons and Shoemakers for Los Cabos lunch + the kids playing at the new Riverwalk playground + Marble Slab! =)  PS These sunglasses are incredibly reflective.  I meant to do a fun pic with the NYC skyline showing in them... maybe I'll find something like that in Colorado!

The kids all hopped into this canoe together... cuteness!

I got to sit by Miss Parker Elizabeth herself - one month before her 4th birthday and the much-anticipated Belle party!  It was good to chat with everyone and catch up on all that's new and changing in the Shoemakers lives!  *Happy 32nd Birthday to Mark Anthony today!!!

Then I went for a walk at the Addison Creek trail, my potential future neighborhood with a delightful tree-named street. =)

And on my way home, I stopped by Rachael's house... check out her cute front door hanger for Spring!  And her massive textbooks for the medical coding classes - yikes!!

I was there to bring her my graduation cap, as she's going to decorate it up for me!  Jaceman had to try it on first, of course! lol

In case you missed it, I'm going for my PhD at CCU starting this summer... Chettles talked about my decision to go back to school in 2022 being the first domino that started a line of things falling into place as I moved forward, and how this path would likely mirror that.  I think it's true - that God will open the right doors as I continue to step forward, and that the path will become clear one small step at a time.  Ever since I read Hero on a Mission and decided to set and pursue meaningful life goals, something inside me has gradually changed and transformed.  I'm realizing lately that there's no going back to a life of glorifying comfort and following the crowd and passively waiting on doors to open for me.  I'm taking action and my desire to lead and build and empower others is growing.  This path is decidedly harder and requires more courage and strength from me, but it's infinitely better in both the process and the outcomes!  In every area where I have made progress or gained momentum, I don't want to go back.  I want to hold on to what I've learned and keep growing and moving forward!  So cheers to living with purpose, passion, and perseverance - to believing my life can make a difference and "impact the world with grace and truth!!" #maximumeffort 

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3-2-1 Let's Go!

Happy Photo Friday, friends and fam!!!  I'm covering the office phones, but it's been nice and quiet on this last day of Spring Break.  After filing four this afternoon, I'm caught up on transcripts for this brief moment.  It's a lovely Spring weekend ahead, and I just officially accepted CCU's offer of admission and registered for the summer residency course (hence my 3-21 post title to commemorate that).

I joined the Whitakers for an early lunch at the Moore Chick-fil-A... always fun to see the boys and hear about what's new in their world!  They told me about the candy barrel store and other fun places they visited in Fort Worth, about Wesson losing a tooth, and Kristin and I caught up on life a bit!  Here's our happy group pic after lunch! ❤

I tried the Pineapple Dragonfruit lemonade... probably won't get it again, but I had to snap a pic with the delightful pink color!  On the right is the CFA wall art and Nash contemplating destroying his cup and lid... "I wanna break this cup so bad!" lolol #thingsiveneverthought #boysarefunny

The Bible App's verse for today... I'm grateful for a solid friend group that sharpens and strengthens me!! ❤

I feel hopeful and excited right now... with a sense of peace that God has everything under control, and He will continue to work things out for me.  I've looked into the class schedule for the next three years, and the internships don't begin until 2027.  I'm likely to move back to Tulsa at that point so that I'll be there for whatever internship opportunities I find.  In the meantime, I may do a combination of court reporting and counseling work with Oak Haven, where I can see clients virtually and book nights and weekend sessions as needed.  I'm grateful for the social media break for Lent - it's good timing and the reduced screen time has been good for my soul!

As a single woman, I sometimes feel like I'm winning the bronze medal in life no matter what I accomplish.  But I'm reframing that.  In the Olympics, certain sports are more popular than others - like figure skating vs. curling.  In life as a Christian woman in Oklahoma, the most popular path would certainly be marriage and family - many of my friends have gold medals there, and I applaud their success and love seeing it!  That particular event is off to a delayed start for me, but I'm doing my part, and I believe God has good things in store.  And in the meantime, I'm training in some areas and winning gold in other areas, and I'm going to celebrate all of that!

Okay, I could've gone much longer on that, but lucky for you, my groceries are being delivered, so I'm off to bring them inside! lol  Happy Friday, and hope you have a fantastic weekend ahead!!

#hashbrown influencer

#CobraKaineverdies #JohnnyLawrence

I freaking love him - so funny!

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Marathon Monday #14!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day, and Happy Marathon Monday!! ❤

Spring is springing, and I'm so enjoying it (minus the intense sunburn on my neck from my 5.5 hours outside yesterday -- I'll remember sunscreen next time)!!  Of all the leaves and blooms and fruit on all the various trees, the Bradford Pear trees always capture my attention.  Something about the extravagance of so many perfect little temporary blooms - both the quantity and the quality of God's work there speaks to me about His creativity and generosity and love of detail, and the idea that there is beauty and value in things that have a short life span.  (Pink flowers would make it extra special... someday, I wanna visit the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC... I thought about all of that during my walk yesterday.) ❤

Anyway, on the Board of Empowerment & Inspiration for today is Linda, Chettles, and Rachael LaJo.  Linda is my friend from yesteryear in Lindsay's Lifegroup... she's been living in Colorado for several years now and she lives a really active, vibrant life including lots of hiking and 5k/10k/trail races!  Chet Lee recently signed up for the Disney Marathon this coming January... 26.2 in 2026!  He has a plan in place to train hard for that after completing the Tulsa Tough bike race this summer - go Chet!!  We're gonna plan our family Disney/Universal trip for that same week, so I'm super excited to cheer him on at the Finish Line!  And Rach is feeling verrry ready for a job transition... she's been working hard and has already taken a full book of handwritten notes in her medical coding classes - I'm guessing she'll finish the online classes and be certified by the end of April! (PS the nutcracker pic still makes me laugh!)

Y'all know I love the number 7, and yesterday was a series of 7s for me.  I did 6:1 intervals (jog six minutes, walk one) for 20 miles then one cool-down mile.  I did 3 sets of 7 miles on my RunInterval app (highly recommend).  I took a bathroom break at mile 7, then I fully changed clothes + socks and shoes at mile 14 - I think it helped my feet stay less blistered, so yay for that!!  I listened to podcasts, music, and the last 2 hours of my audiobook.  I focused on "strong and healthy" as my mantra - listing as many things as I could think of (strong and healthy mind, strong and healthy body, strong and healthy soul, strong and healthy spirit, strong and healthy decisions, strong and healthy connections, strong and healthy sphere of influence, etc. Then I went through a body scan with that mantra too.)  All of the above helped keep me going and keep my brain focused on good things!

My pink Brooks Hyperion shoes are likely what will carry me across the finish line next month.  Although I'm pondering changing shoes halfway through like I did yesterday.   It's a distinct possibility.  Also, the turtle family (above) congregating on the fake alligator head at The Station always brings me joy!

I'm in the final stretch, so I revamped my original training plan a bit!  I felt pretty great yesterday, and I'm planning to stick with the Galloway 6:1 intervals for the actual marathon, but continue to build speed and strength and endurance in the meantime!  (The Thursday runs are being exchanged for my Wednesday walking miles with Kristin, and I'm being super flexible on the dates all around, so long as I get all the workouts in at some point.)

Start line & finish line pics - (I changed into fresh clothes at mile 14).  Completing 21 consecutive miles is huge for me, and these endurance runs are reeeally boosting my confidence and resilience in an emotionally draining season!  Also boosting my sense of joy and hope is the arrival of Spring and the physical reality of seasons changing from dark and dreary and cold and dormant to brighter and more colorful and warm and full of life.  I just feel like I am craving spring and new growth in all aspects of my life, and it's hopeful to see the first hints of it popping up!! ❤

Another before and after pic.. my bag of extra clothes and shoes and body glide for my feet + bottled waters, Cliff Bloks black cherry energy chews, and a banana for during the run (yum - it all worked well)... then a protein shake with spinach, banana, and berries when I got home - yay!!

40 days to the race, and 7 more Marathon Monday posts to go!!

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Steadfast Sunday

Happy Sunday, friends and fam!!  I jogged 21 freaking miles today, so I had to start off with that, but I'll cover it in more detail tomorrow. =)

Here's me and Kristin on our Wednesday walk (on my 15,000th day).  We had a good talk, and I hope they're having a fun family trip to Fort Worth this weekend!

Get excited - the cap and gown arrived this week!! ❤

'Twas another victorious volleyball weekend, with Kyndal Faith and her team actually winning gold in the entire tournament!!  This = them celebrating after Kyndal's final serve that got them to 25!

They beat 5 teams (some took 3 games, as it's always best 2 out of 3, but they won them all in the end, and I'm proud of them for fighting so hard!!)

K-Faith and her friends from the 17s Charge team... and a family pic with the medal winner!  (Side note: the 17s team was sitting behind our fam, and several of those girls are big fans of Grey's Anatomy, and I was tempted to jump into their intense discussion about it! lol)

We stopped by JoBug's to meet Miss Karsten Blaire and see Asher Kenneth for a bit!  JoBug's grandma name is "Sassy," and that makes me happy!

Dabbing to match their volleyball leprechaun shirts for St. Patrick's Day! lol

The Peak gym had an entire side for beach volleyball.  Did I roll up my jeans and hop in the sand for a while?  Yes, definitely!  Did the grains of sand stay with me longer than I'd hoped?  Also yes. lol But #noragrets.

Yay, Mini Miss K and the Charge 11s team... Silver medals last weekend, and gold this weekend!!

I listened to Margaret Beck's The Way of Integrity this weekend (finished it during today's long run).  She mentioned the Drama Triangle, so I looked it up to learn more... which led to learning about the Empowerment Dynamic, which is the better side of the Drama Triangle.  ❤

There is a great deal of unresolved tension in my life lately, and it's become harder to tolerate, and I was quite literally planning to write a post tomorrow about letting go of the motherhood dream and walking away from online dating for now... and then I watched this short video while randomly researching the above triangles this morning.  Her rubber band illustration is simple but profound... or perhaps it's just that the timing was perfectly aligned for me in this moment.  I am beyond tired of the "dynamic tension" and anxiety of unmet dreams and deferred hopes, BUT I don't want to be in victim mode and shrink/lower my own dreams in order to resolve it.  So my only other choice is to be prayerful and get brutally honest about what I really want most, and stay intentional about taking action to move my current reality closer to my dreams and vision for my future.  In whatever unmet goals you may be facing, I hope this encourages you today too!  (I set it to start at the part that helped me, but feel free to start from the beginning.)

Okay, that's all for today.  God is with us and for us, and He is at work behind the scenes, even and maybe especially when we feel very tempted to give up.  His power is real; His love is steadfast; I'm praying that my resolve will be stronger and more steadfast, as well.

Song of the Week = "Precious Love" by James Morrison, courtesy of Schitt's Creek ❤

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Marathon Monday #10

Happy Marathon Monday, friends!  On Saturday, I got up at 7am to do a 14-mile run (you can always know I mean that as walk/slow jog) in the best weather that day had to offer.  It's about as proud of myself as I've ever felt, if I'm being honest... 

It had been a rough week for me - mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I was not feeling energetic or powerful or in the mood for a good run.  It was early and sleep sounded good.  14 miles felt intimidating - (13.1 is the longest I've done prior to that, and that's only been on official race days).  It was super foggy and dreary outside.  It was cold, and it rained a bit.  And by the end, I had 3 blisters on my right foot and two on my left (something that seems inevitable for me during longer runs).  BUT I pushed through, and I freaking did it!!!

I got a second wind in that final mile, and it made me feel more confident that I can really do the Full!  ...That I can push through any negativity and drama and find the grit and inner strength to keep moving forward, even when things feel hazy and unclear. #metaphorforlife #onestepatatime

It was just me and Jesus out there (and one or two other joggers or people walking dogs), so this was a faith-building jog, as well.  I listened to 3 Christian podcasts, finished a John Eldredge audiobook, then listened to worship songs for the last 3 miles... kudos to Peloton's Kirsten Ferguson for introducing me to this gem (HERE) - it got me smiling and jogging with victory hands during that final mile for sure! =)

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This is a very random spot for this, but I wanted to mention that my cousin Emily had her baby girl, Karsten Blaire, on January 29th!  Asher Kenneth has a precious little sister now - yay! ❤

I came home and took a hot bath, then felt as close to fainting as I've ever felt when I got out... yikes... that's the only time I've had critically low blood sugar on the CGM (after a long run + hot bath a few weekends back) so I'm guessing it was that again.  I will be more careful in how I time those moving forward.

That afternoon was Anthony's 13th birthday balloon release... the weather had gotten worse, and it was crazy cold outside, so we didn't stay quite as long as usual.

I'm grateful for Anthony's life and for the hope we have knowing he is in Heaven!

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Me and Kristin ❤

That night, Kate came by to see us!  We had a girls dinner at Santa Fe, followed by a snowy drive home.  It was really good to catch up with her - she was recently diagnosed with MS after a verrry challenging two years of misdiagnoses and medical issues, and she has handled that news with a lot of grace and faith, another solid example of grieving with hope.

On a lighter note, Mom and I had a delightful Cheesecake Factory brunch yesterday, and seeing this on the car parked in front of me made me happy - a fun farmer, as Rach put it.  Aww, memories of Rachael's burned CD collection. lol 

Living room Birthday Eve pic, 2024 and 2025.  I'm so grateful for progress.  And I'm grateful for the reminders this week that it is normal and valid and okay to grieve over hard things and loss while holding onto the vivid hope we have in Christ that truly anchors our soul for anything this life throws at us.  ❤

And to be very clear, I haven't lost anything new or tangible.  I am just feeling the ambiguous grief more deeply lately - I'm sure the birthday and the awareness of aging plays into that a bit - the growing sense that my life will never be what I wanted it to be here on earth.  (Which, on some level, is true for all of us.  Every good thing we experience here is partial and incomplete, and comparison is the thief of joy, and I understand all of that, and I'm allowed to feel things.)  I would love to feel seen and chosen by a really good and Godly man - thus far, I am striking out hard there.  I feel pity from some and judgment from others, but rarely sincere compassion or understanding for the level of loneliness and third-wheeling and unwanted-ness I've had to navigate as a single adult.  Parts of my story have been beautiful, but the rejection I've faced has been difficult, and the messages have been poisonous, and I'm sad that my 20s and 30s did not hold family building or being loved/seen/known/chosen in the way my heart really desired.  Maybe God still has that for me - maybe - but that shimmering hope feels as fragile as a soap bubble.  I would love to be a mother and build a family of my own and pass on some of what I've learned to my child or children - I find myself wondering more and more if I need to pass that on through books and teaching and fully surrender the motherhood dream.  I don't know (and I'm not exactly asking for opinions).  I need wisdom and guidance from God, and I probably need to fast and pray for that as I begin this new year of life.  I am doing my best to lean into God's goodness and mercy, to believe His promise that He has good plans to prosper me - that what the enemy intended for my destruction, God wants to use for good and for His glory.  I want to walk in His power and love and a clear, sound mind and not allow fear to hold me back - it's a theme I keep coming back to.  But I have felt discouraged and uncertain about the life and career path ahead of me right now - I know it hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things, but in some areas, it has, and being in limbo about what lies ahead for me is very hard on my mind and soul (and makes it challenging not to feel apathetic/indifferent about every goal I've set), so I need God to strengthen my spirit and give me endurance and grace and wisdom for the road He sees clearly ahead of me where I only see the thick fog!!

Having said all that, the 14-mile jog this weekend felt like such a metaphor for all that I'm wrestling with internally.  It was hella foggy when I got out there that morning, and much brighter and clearer by the time I left.  I was feeling weak and tired in the beginning, and strong and proud in the end!  (And physically exhausted.)  It was cold outside the entire time, but I felt better as I warmed up internally.  I spent 14 miles feeding my soul encouragement and truth - and my mind, body, soul, and spirit felt better for it!  It was a strong reminder for me to be more intentional about what I am putting into my mind, body, soul, and spirit... to encourage myself in the Lord and to focus on what I want to see growing in my life.  "So even when it gets tough, I'm gonna keep my head up 'cause I feel like God has shined a light on me!"

And that concludes my halftime pep talk. ;-)

Ten weeks of marathon training down; ten weeks to go.

God is with me and for me.

I can do hard things.

BRING IT!

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Marathon Monday #9

I'm doing my best to remain calm and confident as I wait on God's direction in this season.  It's a delightful daily challenge in keeping a growth mindset.  This puzzle illustration helps me so much as I think about that now - the false safety in staying small and self-protective and walling out new ideas vs. the discomfort and beauty of feeling unfinished but willing to keep expanding your horizons on all sides.  Life is full of possibility, and we can view that as scary or exciting.  Doing my best to embrace growing and learning and changing!!

After Chet's open house on Saturday, I took a 4-mile walk around the 3-pond trail in the neighborhood across from the Weatherfords... another strong contender for when I eventually move back to the Tulsa area!

The brisk weather and that new trail were FANTASTIC - it's all open and feels very safe, and being near water is just good for my soul!!  Especially when paired with the Ed Sheeran 60-minute walk - his voice is so smooth, and his heart is precious, and I just love hearing him talk about his family and what he's lost and what he's learned from it - that whole Subtract album is incredible... current fav is The Hills of Aberfeldy (HERE).

Now that's officially all for today.

Leaning in and mentally preparing for 14 miles this weekend...

We can do hard things.  We conquer hills one step at a time. 

I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!

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Doorways, Part 2

There's a scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (my fav HP book) where Harry and his friends enter a circular room at the Ministry of Magic... they're surrounded by mysterious identical doors, and when they open and close one, the whole room spins, making it harder to remember which doors they've already tried.  They're on a time crunch with a vague idea of where they want to go, but no idea which door will lead them there.

Yeah, my life feels like that right now.

If my doors were labeled, they might include: Traditional Adoption, IVF, Embryo Adoption, Dating/Marriage, Ph.D., Teach Now/Later, Tulsa Now/Later, Find a Small Group, Write a Book, Reach Goal Weight, Run a Marathon, Private Practice, School Therapist, Intake Therapist, My Own Business.

In the past two months, I have:

• Earned my Master’s degree - yay!
• Started marathon training (so far, so good!)
• Accepted then declined a school counselor job with a $72K salary
• Planned to move to Tulsa, submitted my resignation, then reversed both decisions
• Had tough but supportive conversations around all of it
• Searched extensively for full-time Counselor Candidate jobs with salary/benefits in OKC - surprisingly few options
• Jumped through countless hoops for background checks (with CREOKS, counseling board, doctoral program, adoption home study)
• Submitted my CCU doctoral program application
• Updated my resume and applied to 2 private practices & 4 nonprofit mental health agencies
• Interviewed and got turned down for a virtual intake therapist role (I was unsure about it anyway)
• Met with Dr. Evans (fertility specialist), learned my pregnancy odds (35%), and got an IVF cost sheet - woof!
• Asked a Florida law firm to present my adoption profile book to two expectant mothers
• Updated my embryo adoption profile book
• Considered updating my home study, but held off due to job uncertainty
• Explored candidacy supervisors and clarified what I want/don’t want
• Identified what’s been holding me back in my church search
• Updated my dating app profile, reframed my perspective, and messaged with men from OK, TX, and MO -- more initial interest than usual; zero actual dates yet (#Christianmalepassivityforthewin)
• Attended a free 3-day Tony Robbins webinar; signed up for a paid one in March
• Committed to a 21-day WW health reset (day 12 - scale is stubborn, but I’m staying the course and focusing on taking better care of myself)
• Passed the OLERE exam today -- barely, but still a win!
• Outlined a memoir book with a strong theme and 77 essay-chapter titles
• Caught up on court transcripts while covering extra shifts due to staff shortages

It’s been a whirlwind, but I'm navigating the chaos one door at a time, learning and adjusting as I go!

Doing my best, Jay Shetty.  But I have felt stretched thin... like I'm trying to singlehandedly hold all  of these important doors to my goals open, wondering which one might be most valuable, not wanting to turn my back or close the door on anything that might be central to my purpose.

While thinking about that the other day, this meme popped up on FB:

It was a good and well-timed reminder that it's NOT all on me.  God has given me agency and free will to make decisions, but He also has a path marked out for me and will give me wisdom that will help me to walk in it.  My life will become fruitful and stay on the right course AS I SEEK HIM and ABIDE IN HIM.

God is not the author of fear.

I can walk in His power and love with a clear, sound mind.

Thinking about all of this also led me to re-read my original "Doorways" post (HERE) from 2022 - every word of that post is still encouraging for me today!  (It was written while waiting to take the pregnancy test after IUI #4 before I shared that journey on the blog HERE.)

So today, I am taking a breath and recharching, celebrating the progress I've made and the goals I've already achieved - huzzah!

And I'm leaning into prayer and time with God and sincerely seeking His wisdom.  Reminding myself:  I am not in this alone.  My overarching purpose is to love God wholeheartedly and love others well.  The details of day-to-day purpose and meaning will change and evolve throughout my life, but living with love for God and others will always be central!  And I can accomplish nothing of lasting value apart from Him!! ❤

That about sums it up.  Happy Friday, friends!!  In lighter news, the pic below = my new Simple Modern cup from Tracy Schumacher's firm - so much cuteness - an unexpected fun gift they brought for all the CRs and bailiffs today!  (And my raspberry creatine water and Marla's OLERE study notebook she let me borrow - super helpful!)

May we move forward without fear, trusting God's care and His ability to open the right doors and close the wrong ones in our lives.  Hope you all have a fabulous weekend ahead!

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