In my latest audiobook, Annie B. Jones mentioned a term that I’d never heard before: scrupulosity. It's a lesser-known subtype of OCD marked by obsessive concern with moral or religious perfection — feeling a distorted sense of guilt and a fear of offending God, even over smaller things.
I’m not sure I fully qualify for that label, but I definitely experienced something similar as a child. My natural perfectionism combined with the legalistic culture of the school and church environments I was in led to a heavy burden of guilt and a strict understanding of God. I often felt disproportionately convicted about minor things in kid-friendly movies or TV shows while everyone around me seemed totally fine with them. My desire to fit in led me to regularly rationalize that as long as something wasn’t overtly evil (ie some horror movies) or clearly hurtful to someone else, then maybe God was okay with it, especially if other Christians were on board.
Looking back, that was twisted logic and a good example of why Scripture warns us not to lean on our limited understanding. That kind of self-guided reasoning can easily lead us down a slippery slope where minor compromises open the door to bigger ones.
As a young adult, in trying to avoid legalism, I did what many of us do and swung too far in the other direction. I embraced “grace” in places where God was likely calling for conviction. That pendulum swing is calming down, and I am working my way back to a more balanced, Biblically-grounded middle. But knowing exactly where to draw the line has proven verrry challenging, especially with entertainment (books, movies, TV shows, podcasts, etc.).
The pull of worldly culture is strong, and it is constant. I hear Christians justify things all the time, and I wrestle with comparison—wondering if I’m being too sensitive or not gracious enough. Then I remember what Jesus told Peter when he asked about John: “What is that to you? You follow Me.” And that’s what I keep coming back to. I'm not responsible for what others justify—I’m fully responsible for my obedience in my own walk with God.
Still, because of that early scrupulosity, I don’t always trust my inner convictions. It’s like I’ve never had a totally clear conscience because that standard always felt so unattainable... so I learned to justify some small things… and then bigger things. And now I’m trying to untangle that whole web and discern what is genuine conviction from the Holy Spirit versus what’s leftover fear or religious dogma.
A messy but worthwhile process.
This verse caught my attention recently - the idea of “living a pure and blameless life until the day of Christ’s return” sounds beautiful on the surface. But to me, it also feels impossible. Maybe I'm misunderstanding what “pure and blameless” actually means? To me, it sounds like never having a lustful thought, speaking a curse word, gossiping, overeating, complaining, or feeling jealous. "Go and. sin. no. more," as Jesus Himself told the woman He rescued after being caught in adultery. If Christ-level perfection is the bar, I am sure not meeting it. And God's Word is pretty clear that there will be a massive crowd of people who deceive themselves into believing they’re saved when they are not...
Most churches in America tend to emphasize the importance of faith - trusting Jesus to save us "by grace through faith, not of works, lest any man should boast." I get that. But our obedience and sanctification matter, too, and many Christians discount that. “Just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.” I have to study this out and seek God here because sometimes I feel sincere confusion around all of this.
So I’m praying for wisdom and clarity. I want to grow in knowing Jesus, in my love and knowledge and understanding of "what really matters" to God. Righteousness isn’t measured by comparison or by what we’ve avoided, and sometimes the vices that are easier to hide can actually be more dangerous, so confession and repentance are vital!
Sometimes I still question whether I’ve offended God in some irreparable way... and I know that sounds irrational, but the rejection I've endured from people who once loved me makes it much easier to misinterpret certain verses and project that fear onto God when He feels distant or quiet.
Nothing is hidden from God - He knows our hearts, our thoughts, and everything we watch, read, and consume. The idea of never making another poor/sinful choice feels like an unbearable pressure when I look at the big picture of my whole future, and something in my flesh pushes back against it pretty hard and assumes that can't possibly be the standard. But I'm starting to think that's an agreement I've made that I need to pray through and break now - there's a verse in Deuteronomy where God tells His people that His command to love Him and walk in His ways "is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach." So I'm going to work on being more submissive and surrendered in my own heart - not making lazy excuses or assumptions that I'm incapable, but doing my best -- one day at a time -- to love God well and walk in step with the Holy Spirit and quickly confess and repent when I mess up. Not legalism, not license, but choosing love that leads to real surrender. My heart's desire is to be pure and blameless before God… and I know the love and the blood of Jesus cover a multitude of sins for all of us... but I feel like I’m still figuring out what it means to "work out my salvation" -- how that actually plays out in this modern world and in my specific life. What shows and movies etc. need to go? What parts of my current identity or way of relating need to be sacrificed to pursue that kind of all-in obedience, and am I willing to break old agreements and let go of things that feel incredibly comfortable and humble myself and do whatever it takes? I sincerely hope so!
Paul says everything else is rubbish compared to knowing Christ, and I want to live that out and believe it more deeply in the core of my being. The sin lines feel blurry for me, and I need God to help me reset my conscience to hear His conviction more clearly, without being excessive or overcomplicating it all by fixating on things that are not truly sin. We all have to discern between the enemy speaking shame/condemnation (which destroys) vs. God's conviction (which transforms). And I need to believe with confidence that God is kind and forgiving and still loves me deeply, that He is worthy of my total surrender, and that nothing I ever give up here compares to the eternal reward He offers. He is not taking things away without offering something in return. He has good gifts and wants good things for us: abundant life, strong relationships, and a future that reflects His character and goodness! ❤
Okay then, good talk. lol (If any of this resonates, I would welcome honest conversations and would definitely appreciate your prayers as I keep sifting through it all with God.)
Much lighter post coming next! ❤️
