Kudos and Clarity

A fun but cold summer swim with Jace and Kyndal last night - she's surfing on his back, in case that wasn't obvious! ;-)  The pool heater is messed up, so it took me forever to fully get in. lol  (Mom and Jace were working at Neal's apartment all afternoon, so we grabbed Firehouse Subs for our family dinner, then I joined J&K for a swim after a good chat with Dad and Rachael!)  

Kyndal "turning into a smurf" from the OKC-Thunder-blue icing on the cupcakes Dad got us! lol

Truth... communication is key!

Kudos to Carter Lee, who is doing well in all his rodeo endeavors lately!

Kudos to Mark Anthony and Chet Lee, who rode 68.8 miles last weekend in the Tulsa Tough bike race!!  Very impressive!  Chettles prayed hard for rain and lightning to cancel the race, but God gave him super-fun memories with his good friend instead! lol  For real, though, I'm getting sad that the Shoemaker fam will be moving soon!

Some bike gifs from one of my fav SC episodes. =)

Kudos to Lindsay Jane, who is living it up on an amazing trip to Monte-Carlo!!  Also, her fitness dedication is inspiring, and I applaud her for all the effort she's put into it!

Kudos to Lindsay Ferrier for leaving an abusive marriage and sharing her story (HERE).  She's a great writer, and I've learned a lot from her courage over the past year!

This feels true.

And kudos to me for doing well on my June/July goals so far!  I'm loving reading one chapter in a physical Bible every day - I've done so much listening lately that it's nice to connect with reading the real words on a page!  Daily vegetables - a natural given for so many people, but setting that goal has legitimately changed my meal choices several times to make sure I'm working in some vegetables, like making a small salad every time I went through the CCU food court!  And a daily 5k walk or run - I missed 3 days during the very rainy beginning of my Colorado trip, but I'm going to make up those 9 miles over the rest of the month.  The pic below was from June 1st.  Looking forward to walking and catching up with Kristin tonight!!)

There's a lot happening lately, but I'm excited that there is a real timeline in place that will naturally answer some of my questions and narrow my options moving forward.  I so welcome that coming clarity!  As of last week, I have officially started the PhD program.  And as of yesterday, I am awaiting clinic approval on my third (and final) embryo adoption match!  I'm in a good position, and I've done my part on all counts.  So I am praying for God's will and trusting Him to move things forward in the best direction for my future and for His glory!! ❤  Also working on finding a good LPC-Supervisor to get started on my candidacy hours and track my school time as indirect hours, but that feels like a side project at this point!

Also doing my best to stay healthy and make good choices in the meantime.

Seeing movies with other counselors is a treat... so far, it's been Inside Out 2 last summer and Thunderbolts last week, both of which included clear illustrations of mental health struggles and led to great conversations afterward!

That's all for today.  Even with all that's going on, I'm about to leave work a little early after a full day of blogging. lol  Huzzah!

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Love and Leadership

I’m currently going through Beth Moore’s summer Bible study, Becoming Who We Are: Losing the Imposter, Finding What’s Real.  (She's offering it free on YouTube, starting HERE.)  Her top goal is for the women participating in this study "To know so deeply who we are in Christ that we are unshaken no matter who denies, doubts, diminishes, or mocks it."  Love that, and the first two videos have been refreshing!  I feel like God brought this into my life at just the right time as He’s calling me into a new level of vision and leadership...

Beth says, “Everything about becoming who we are hinges on absorbing how we are loved by God,” backing that up with abundant Scriptural reminders that we were chosen in Him before the creation of the world, remarkably and wondrously made, that every day of our lives was recorded in His book before one came to pass.  We are carried by the God who appoints our time in history and the boundaries of where we live.  We are created for good works He prepared in advance, and nothing can separate us from His faithful love. ❤

She invited us to reflect on how people behave in relationships when they know they are loved versus when they feel unsure about that.  I’ve experienced both sides of that spectrum very personally.  When I feel confident in someone's love, I am more whole, secure, peaceful, confident, and able to give and love others well.  But in relationships that spark doubt or insecurity, I’ve found myself feeling more broken, emotional, desperate, anxious, and needy (that's based on my attachment style - others might have a more fiercely independent reaction).  The rejection I've endured means it usually takes me a whiiiiile to really trust people and be vulnerable with them, and when I finally get there, not everyone has handled it well.  I’m so very thankful for the people in my life who have loved me well -- not perfectly, but consistently.  Their love and faithfulness have helped deepen my sense of security, grow my trust and discernment, and strengthen my character and personal growth!  More importantly, they have been a tangible picture of God's love and His refusal to give up on me - it's why loving others well is so important to Jesus.

My time at CCU was full of leaders I highly respect challenging me and my peers to begin viewing ourselves as leaders and practice stepping into Christian leadership more often in big and small ways.  (Like rather than complaining about the counseling board's decisions and lamenting about how messy and divided the regulations are from state to state, plan to join those boards and be an active part of creating change - Alicia and I talked about that at the coffee shop that first morning, and it was a great reframe for me.  I always used to roll my eyes as I listened to Judges complaining about the way things were running, knowing they were in a position to actually fix it if they tried -- so I'm gradually moving into more of a leadership role, and I have to shift the way I see myself and be ready to act with courage and character.)  Ironically - aka a total God thing - my call with Chet on the way to Colorado was a good precursor to all of that, about embracing new dynamics and viewing it as a compliment when God entrusts me with more responsibility!  I love when God sends a lot of things that align to create a really clear message for us - I need that level of confirmation in my life. lol  

Being loved well and having a deeper understanding of God's love will always strengthen us in our calling.  Jesus KNEW exactly where He came from and who He was - He had a strong sense of protective support and beloved/chosen identity.  And He led well and accomplished everything God set out for Him to do because He understood what He was here for (earthly passion and purpose) and where He was going (firmly-anchored eternal hope and love for God)!  In this season, I am drawn to the intersection of Godly leadership and understanding God's love.  I want to grow in integrity and humility as I gradually and imperfectly start to step up and speak up more often.  I also want to practice fully believing and receiving the love of God — to live from a deeply secure and healed place of being LOVED, VALUED, SEEN, and CHOSEN.  Beth's study is helping me with that!

"Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing;

You hold my future.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."

~Psalm 16:5-6

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine;

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine...

Watching and waiting, looking above,

Filled with His goodness, lost in His love!"

~Blessed Assurance, Fanny Crosby

Oswald Chambers said, "The root of all sin is the suspicion that God is not good.”  I had to think about that one for a minute, but I get it.  We’ve all wrestled with that suspicion sometimes.  The areas where I am weakest and most in need of God's forgiveness, healing, and strength are also the areas where I am most in need of TRUTH from God's Word (a deeper understanding of it).  Jim Cress wrote an article for Christian Counseling Today where he talked about a practical tool he uses with clients who are stuck in shame and feeling blocked from receiving God's love... he encourages them to write the character traits (try the top 10) that come to mind when they think about their dad or father figure, one per index card.  Then they take time to reflect - knowingly or unknowingly, how many of these painful traits have I projected onto God?  They work together to prayerfully replace false or limiting traits with new words that reflect who God truly is and wants to be to them.  It's worth every bit of time and intentional effort to heal our relationship with God, and I’d love to offer that as an exercise with faith-based clients in the future.

Okay, shifting gears, yesterday’s verse from the Bible App was a lovely reminder.  Thanks in large part to John Eldredge's teachings, the hope of Heaven is very real to me - not just vague and ethereal, but a reward I think about often and look forward to.  Thanks to grief group work and my own grief experience, the searing pain of loss is also very real to me - I understand that grieving with eternal hope is still legitimately HARD and ongoing.  Kristen had several great visits with friends and family during the week I was in Colorado -- I love that she had that time and was able to read/hear the many memories and words of gratitude and encouragement that are pouring in from all sides at this point!  Even though I missed the window to see her again in person, I'm really thankful for our phone call a couple weeks back.  It was a gift!  We had a good long talk, and I prayed with her before we hung up.  Her mom was there in the background and thanked me for sending the card and blanket.  Kristen shared about her daily routine and the physical pain she was experiencing and the loneliness of some friends/family distancing themselves from her suffering.  She also shared about growing with God and the people who had stepped up in awesome, unexpected ways and seeing subtle places where God was using her story to encourage others - she was full of faith and hope in the midst of wrestling with honest doubt and fear, and she was very kind in asking about my life and things she's seen on Facebook.  It was really encouraging for both of us to talk - we planned to make it a regular thing, and I was honestly excited about that and enlisting other friends to reach out.... our talk was interrupted 3x by nurses or doctors coming in to check different vitals or bring medications.  She was feeling pretty good that night but had been diagnosed with pneumonia earlier that morning, and neither of us had any idea how quickly things would shift... an infection spread, and the life-saving white blood cell donors were unable to move forward because of the pneumonia diagnosis.  The day before their trip back to Oklahoma, she texted: "God is giving me a peace and looking forward to going home."  I so appreciate the double meaning there.  We've texted a few more times, but our planned phone call the next week never happened, as she was back and forth with fevers after being transported to Oklahoma for palliative care... it's all really sobering, and there are brutally hard realities to the process of dying from cancer.  She is sleeping a lot at this point.  I believe she knows that she is loved and that her life mattered, and I'm incredibly grateful she received some tangible reminders of that in her final days!!  Praying for peace, comfort, anchoring hope, grief support, and feeling surrounded by God's love for the Harriss family and their close circle today.  (This paragraph grew longer than I meant for it to, but it's on my heart a lot lately.)

Faith pointed out to me that there are crosses in all the upper windows of the CCU chapel room - I love that! ❤

So that's a recap of some things on my heart and areas where God is speaking to me lately - hopefully it made sense and felt encouraging.  Lighter post coming this afternoon!!

You are loved, valued, seen, and chosen by God.
The Lord holds your future,
And you have a beautiful inheritance!

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Doctoral Residency, Part 2!

Writing from a hotel room in Goodland, Kansas tonight!  Grateful for a comfy bed - the dorm mattresses are rough - 3.5 hours down, 6.5 to go tomorrow!

This = Friday breakfast with Ashley and Robyn, one of my favorite parts of this CES Residency!  They were the role play students that I "mentored" or supervised last year.  We had some great talks then and I gave them a list of tips and professor recommendations as they were beginning the Master's program.  So glad I texted them on Thursday ~ they were both back in CO as roommates at MAC Res 2, and we decided to meet up at 7am for breakfast... an hour and a half wasn't really enough time, but it was great to hear about their first year in the program, the internship sites they've found for this coming August, and their interest in the PhD program - which we discussed quite a bit, as well!  They both said thanks for the tips I gave them last year - they've had fantastic professors and are absolutely loving the program so far, so we were all just CCU fangirls talking it up! lol  Anyway, it was great to see them and catch up, and it really encouraged me to hear how something that took a small effort on my part made a big difference in their lives. ❤

Last July at their Res 1 and my Res 3 (they pair people up for role play exercises, then you work together the whole week coaching/supporting them as they practice counseling each other).

On that note, Christian counselors make awesome friends - the listening skills, the sincere empathy, and the strong tendency to dive right on into the deeper topics is such a breath of fresh air every time I'm surrounded by CCU Counseling Students!

Me and Heather Martinez, my roommate this year (there are three rooms that connect to the same living room common area - it was me and Heather, Alicia and Charisse, and Michelle and Laura)!  Heather is a wife and a mom of one boy and two girls, and she's already working as an LPC-Supervisor with a thriving counseling practice!

Finally getting to know Faith Smith, a peer from my CCU Master's cohort (but we had no classes together that whole time).  She and I helped co-lead Dr. Brashear's group of Masters Res 2 students yesterday, and it was awesome to hear their stories and stresses and answer their questions and encourage them and share a bit about our Practicum and Internship experiences!!  I loved being in that role and connecting with/encouraging people who are just a few steps behind me, and that reminder was a gift as I've been considering whether I would really enjoy a teaching/supervising role!

Alicia, Elyse, and Ellie taking a stretch break! lol

Everyone else got a drink with dinner last night, so I got a fun cheers-ing pic!

After our Saturday dinner at Lady Nomada (where we ran into Dr. Robinson from CCU)!

Me and Alicia and Terri went to see Thunderbolts after dinner... then had a great talk about how the movie illustrates shame/depression and the way we need community!

I love this campus.  That's all.

Worship session Sunday morning!

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The majority of today was "Super Statistical Sunday," where Dr. Wood talked with us for a long time about Quantitative Research and the SPSS software that will help with our calculations.  It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, and I'm quite thankful we're not having to memorize formulas or do any math by hand.  I can input data into a spreadsheet with the best of them. lol

After a long day of mostly stats work, it was soooo refreshing to end with a 40-minute lecture from Dr. Burkhart, followed by the group photo I'd been wanting all day, then the commissioning ceremony and closing prayer!

I so respect and value the Godly leaders at this school!  Also, I sent this pic to Chet because this slide made me think of him - he's good at most if not all of these "leadership paradoxes."

The new Considine Chapel... in a last-minute decision, Dr. Burkhart let us come in there for the group photo, then we stayed there for the final session, and it felt sacred in a way I can't really explain well in words.

Above = the 17 students in my cohort, along with Dr. Sara Wood, Dr. Gregg Elliott, and Dr. Selin Philip!

I'm so grateful for the words spoken to us and over us today!

Dr. Philip (in her humble but powerful way):  "Trust the process, and trust the God behind the process... Welcome to this holy, sacred work of leadership!"  

Dr. Elliott:  "You are where you are supposed to be - do not let go of it easily!  You made this decision with fortitude and faith and determination... and the only way you won't make it through at this point is if you choose not to make it!" ❤

The Res 2 doctoral students (CCU's first cohort) gathered around us along with the faculty and prayed over us... then we did the same surrounding them, and Dr. Burkhart prayed for all of us.  He started off with "Lord, I'm most grateful for when You showed up in moments of transition and seasons of change, when I needed guidance and had to make decisions that were scary or hard..."

I really felt that.  In spite of my deep love for CCU, I am not entirely sure that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life in this season.  Life tends to throw curveballs when we least expect it.  The adoption door is still in question for me, and I believe motherhood could also be a high calling and a vital role in God's Kingdom, and I have valid doubts about my ability to do both well in my current situation... Anyway, while thinking through all of that very quickly, Dr. Burkhart ended his prayer with:  "We pray that these students would advance Your Kingdom and Your mission and Your purpose in whatever role they find themselves!"  I was holding hands with Faith Smith and Dr. Wood, and I had tears rolling down both sides of my face at that point.  Because YES, Lord - that is the actual point - and I felt so much freedom as I heard him say that.  Honestly, the PhD is within reach for me, but it is just one of MANY ways that I might be able to advance God's Kingdom and mission - there is no pressure from God or no sense that this is the only way I can honor Him with my life - so I'm moving forward with classes and doing my best for now while holding these dreams loosely and keeping my heart open and surrendered to God's leading.  Not my will, but His purpose for me.  Dr. Philip gave each of us first-year students a bag of mustard seeds as a reminder that although we may feel small right now, God can grow our lives into something that nourishes others when we stay rooted in Him.  She gave each of the year 3 students a towel tied in a bow to remind them of Jesus' example of washing feet and serving others even as He led with great authority.  She's phenomenal, and I want to become her real life actual friend. lol

I can't say I have full clarity on what will happen moving forward, but I do have renewed peace and faith. ❤

If God chooses not to open the door for motherhood, then I will probably be back on the CCU campus in 2027, ready to complete my dissertation and move forward in my career calling.  If I become a Mom by that time, then I'll pray about it and hope to be back at CCU down the road.  I have six years from now to complete the PhD degree, so I'm aware of that ticking timeline, and I'm grateful to know that God has a good plan!  Whether it's two years or five years or somewhere in between there, I pray that God richly blesses Colorado Christian University until we meet again! =)

I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!  May we all advance God's Kingdom, His mission, and His purpose - right where we are today!

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The One Year Mark

 Just taking a minute to acknowledge this anniversary...
I had gastric sleeve surgery one year ago today!!

Mom and I went to Vegas, and we took it as a God-sign that I was patient #7 on June 7th.  This was my last pre-surgery pic.

This = the hotel hallway that I walked repeatedly that night... to be honest, I never had much pain.  I know that isn't everyone's experience in recovery, but I'm very grateful to God for the laparoscopic procedure and the smoothness of my physical recovery process!

Dr. Matt Apel, my surgeon at Blossom Bariatrics in Vegas
(This pic = the IV vitamins infusion the morning after my surgery!)

And after that, Mom and I stopped by Mon Ami and the Vegas fountains, because I absolutely refuse to go to Vegas without seeing the fountains! lol. I'm aware of the gauze and tape from my surgery in this photo, but overall, it's crazy that I was already feeling good enough to walk through Vegas that next day! ❤

Jace and Kyndal and all the kids their age have taken to saying "six-seven" when they're feeling undecided or meh about something.  But I'm glad 6-7 has a very different meaning for me.  

Thank you again to Chet Lee for sparking this idea for me -- or really, for helping me feel like I had permission to follow through with it without being judged or condemned by the people closest to me!  Our conversation last May opened the door for me to research the surgery, which quickly led to calling Blossom, and around three weeks later, the surgery was done!!  I love that Blossom was able to get me in so quickly -- I might've talked myself out of it otherwise -- God was in all the details (just as He is today), and I'm incredibly grateful as I look back (and look ahead) today!

In some ways, it doesn't feel that long ago, and in other ways, I know God has done so much in my life since that time! ❤  It's been a transformative, beauty-for-ashes kind of year -- body, mind, soul, and spirit!

I'm down around 90 pounds from my pre-surgery weight... I kinda like that I'm unable to weigh in this morning because I'm busy starting this PhD program! 
(These pics were the day before starting the pre-op diet.)

I will continue to lose a bit of weight and do my best to make healthier choices.  I am a work in progress there, but seeing real physical progress has given me renewed hope and motivation as life moves forward!  For today, though, I want to celebrate the progress I've made - finishing the Masters degree, finishing a Full Marathon, starting the PhD program, growing in my identity, restarting the embryo adoption process, a year of therapy work with Emily, and being back in the 100s is just the icing on the cake!

Strong and healthy mind.

Strong and healthy body.

Strong and healthy soul.

Strong and healthy spirit!
One year down, the rest of my life to go...

Whatever I have done is by the grace of God, and I want to continue to live through His grace and for His glory!! ❤

Okay, back to studious grad student work now! =)

I love you and believe in you, and I believe God will meet you wherever you are today, and I believe in your ability to work with Him and create a better life!

❤ ❤ ❤

Doctoral Residency, Part 1

 Hey, friends and fam!  Just finished a lovely campus walk, and I'm writing from Lakewood, Colorado tonight!  

This = yesterday morning after our first session, me with Dr. Ryan Burkhart and Dr. Selin Philip, my two favorite professors at CCU -- I could and would so happily listen to them talk all day!

I enjoyed the 10-hour drive on my own, just listening to music and audiobooks and chatting with Mom and Chet Lee!

Despite a poor night's sleep and the weather being a bit dreary and rainy this time, I feel incredibly grateful for the presence of God, the support and wisdom of the CCU faculty, and the growing sense of community and belonging!

Me and Alicia (love her - she did her Masters at Dallas Theological Seminary and she's super fun and we've had some great talks here) headed to grab some coffee (for her) before our last first day of school!! 

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My team won the Haiku challenge, a silly team-building project, but still fun to be in the winning group! =)

PhD pen - YAY! lol

The girls after our dinner at Farmhouse Thai Eatery last night... Alicia, Terri, Laura, me, Charisse, Heather, and Michelle!  Terri lives close to campus, but the rest of us are roommates! =)

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All our classes have been in the new chapel building, the Armstrong Center! ❤

The above pic and the below cutest-bunny-buttons pics are from my campus walk tonight.  The CCU bunnies are friendly and unafraid, and I love it! =)

My annual selfie by the CCU lake and fountain! =)

The Rock Woodfired Pizza for dinner with most of the doctoral cohort tonight!

Over 80 people applied, 18 were admitted, and 17 are in our current group!  This = Me, Laura, Heather, Billy, Jasmine, Alicia, Charisse, Kacie, Terri, and Elyse!

Dr. Philip teaching on Biblical Foundations was everything I could hope for - she has so much wisdom, and you can just tell she knows Jesus well!

Anyway, I'm headed to bed because I'm getting up for an early breakfast meeting tomorrow!  The first two days here have been great, and I expect nothing less from the next two!  I've had some good time to process and pray and think about the life and identity God is calling me into.  I'll write a more detailed recap on Monday!  Best of luck to Chet Lee and Mark Anthony in the Tulsa Tough bike race tomorrow morning... and Happy belated 1st Birthday to Miss Holly Marie yesterday!

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