Not Alone

About the new doors God is opening, I have the opportunity to lead the women's LifeGroup through the summer ahead, which feels exciting and rich with meaning right now.  The group is fittingly called "Heal Out Loud," and there are women grieving the loss of a parent, grieving the loss of a spouse to suicide, navigating single parenthood after abuse and abandonment, navigating major health challenges and/or complex family dynamics, grieving an abruptly broken engagement, sending kids to college, parenting young children with cancer, and more.  Their stories are layered and complex, with real pain and fear and the need for consistent prayer and support, and I want to step into that in a bigger way across the board!  (This pic is from last fall - I'll be sure we take a new one soon.)

Chet has pointed out that this is God fulfilling my desire to counsel and work with adult women... which feels true, just not in the way I'd expected to see it.  I have another friend who is facing the ambiguous grief of a friendship fallout in a long-term best friendship, and I am grateful to at least be "a witness" who can help validate the extreme pain of that loss and help her process the situation and move forward in a healthy way.

So I'm opening my heart again to the idea that motherhood and Christian counsel may not look the way I anticipated, but may still be part of God's calling on my life!  Be fruitful and multiply can mean a lot of different things.  My relationships with my niece and nephews and mini-BFFs and Compassion child matter more than I sometimes believe - I'm playing an important role there, and I'm thankful for it!  I want a God-honoring legacy and deep relationships, and I want to help care for hurting people and point them to Jesus as their healer, and a Bible study or podcast are typically safer environments for being direct about that than a counseling room.

Another thing I'm considering is starting a podcast with the theme of Kingdom Hope.  Largely because I need constant reminders to stay anchored in that myself, and I believe it is vitally important and often overlooked for most Christians.  We forget about everything here being partial and incomplete, so we expect too much from it.  And we forget that everything there will be whole and healed and right, so we place too little value and real hope in it.

In the meantime, I'm using this post to remind myself that I am not alone.  I am certainly not the only one struggling with self-doubt or quiet loss or confusion about the path ahead, which is a good thing to remember to push my focus back outward and take action where I can to help others!  And I am not alone or without support as I move forward in life... I have good friends and family who love me, and several people who could use my support, love, and kindness.  We carry the light of Christ inside us, and it matters!!

So today, I am grateful for exceptional friends who check in here and really see me and care about the details and offer good counsel when I need it!

I'm grateful for fun podcasts that get surprisingly deep and philosophical sometimes!

I'm thankful for walks with Kristin and being Aunt Lindsey and the godmother to her boys!

I'm thankful for the fam and our regular dinners and the character progress I'm seeing in my niece and nephews!

I'm thankful for God-ordained connections with two of the women in my neighborhood (on my same street) and praying those continue to grow and strengthen!

Thankful for being a trusted supportive adult to help Triston navigate moving to Colorado this summer!

And I'm thankful for God's Word and the foundational truths that ground our faith and hope...

Thanks for stopping by for this plethora of new posts!  (I have a seventh post started, but I have two audiobooks to finish up before I can post it.)

Happy Memorial Day - thankful for those who gave their lives defending our freedom!

And I hope you have a wonderful week ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Storm of Self-Doubt

This book was a timely revelation and practically-helpful tool for me on the topic of self-doubt.  I listened to most of it during my drive home from seeing Annie and Eddie in Texas.  I had talked with Chet earlier that afternoon about how adrift I was feeling without the clear end goal of adoption.  He talked from his perspective about seeing all the doors God had opened for me with CCU, and it was a good (slightly jarring) reminder that it hasn't ALL been roadblocks and hurdles on the counseling journey...

It paired really well with the content of this book, and God used all of the above to inspire hope in me that this may not be the dead end I've been imagining.  Having some time to really think about my story and how much has shifted over the past two years was also helpful.  And in my own defense, there has been A LOT of change and loss to process, and I can see how I got here.  Somewhere between the weight loss surgery and recovery, the extra attention and inner/outer pressure to maintain a certain physical appearance whilst navigating hair loss and hormonal changes that would be difficult for any woman, the intense season of marathon training, trying and struggling to view myself as a "finisher" - someone who commits and finishes what she starts, the end of the master's program, the unexpected difficulty of finding a good counseling job, the hard situations and imposter syndrome in some of those early roles, the desire to bow out and disappear, getting into the PhD program, the high expectation and pressure to perform well while not feeling sure I really want to move forward there, facing the physical realities of aging and fibroids and repeated roadblocks head-on, letting go of my long-held adoption dream, quietly grieving that massive loss with precious little acknowledgement while trying to hold onto other dreams that were kind of rooted in that one, realizing how many of my dreams were tied to the idea of being a mom, pursuing the hope of dating whilst zero men are pursuing me, consistently trying to push back against the sense of feeling rejected/unworthy while also being uninspired by the pool of mediocre/passive men, navigating multiple dating apps and driving to another state for a date and staying open to friend set-ups while knowing there will always be others who believe I'm just not trying hard enough, getting raises and cushier job offers in court reporting while everyone keeps asking how my new counseling career is going, ambiguous grief and feeling unheard in certain family situations, and navigating a major friendship conflict and sharply critical/painful conversations there... it has all spiraled me into fairly crippling inner storm of shame and self-doubt, with an amped-up desire to numb out from the gnawing sense that nothing I do is ever quite enough.

Woof.  This book really opened my eyes to all of that, and now I believe God will help me rebuild my sense of identity and God-given power and authority!  I've always loved the verses that talk about Jesus teaching "with real authority, quite unlike their teachers of religious law."  I love and have always been drawn to people who speak with authority, who believe in themselves, lead well, and exude a genuine security and confidence that puts others at ease.  God is opening a few new doors, and I have some ideas brewing on what I want to pursue.  Whatever else I do with the remainder of my life, I know I want to pursue and live from that inner trust and confidence that is rooted in Christ!!

Big Trust Quotes:

• "You're not questioning just your skills or knowledge, but yourself.  Your value, your place, your right to take up space.  You doubt your very sense of who you are, and that's why self-doubt sticks.  Because we mistake it for who we are rather than something we've learned or internalized.
• Your brain's response to feeling not enough is often to overcompensate.  You tell yourself that the next achievement, promotion, or milestone will be the one, the moment you finally feel like you belong.  But the finish line keeps moving.  You take on more, chase perfection, and tie your worth to your output.  No matter how much you achieve, you still end the day thinking: Was it enough?
• The more visible you become, the more pressure you imagine is on you.  More eyes, more expectations, more chances to disappoint.  So you procrastinate, you hesitate, and you convince yourself you're fine where you are.  But you're not; you're just scared...  Safety feels better than growth, but staying small isn't safe.  It's self-sabotage.
• These patterns (overworking, people-pleasing, shrinking, or finding comfort in others' failures) all stem from the same belief: I'm not enough.  Every behavior is an attempt to avoid that discomfort, but until you face it head-on and call it out for the lie it is, you'll stay stuck.
• There will always be others who seem better equipped, more qualified, sharper, shinier, something.  The real difference between people who do the hard things and the ones who don't isn't talent, and it isn't usually skill.  It's BELIEF.  It's the ability to come back to an unshakable trust in your own unique individual strengths even when self-doubt is doing its best to derail you.
• Most of us are far more competent, stronger, wiser, and more capable than we give ourselves credit for. You don't need to pretend you know it all.  Trust the part of you that's always been willing to learn and brave enough to ask.  When you trust your skills and your ability to figure things out, challenges don't feel insurmountable.  When you connect to your inner authority, self-doubt quiets and self-trust begins to take its place.
• Self-trust grows faster in good company.  Surround yourself with people who believe in you, even when you don't.  These are the folks who hold you accountable, cheer you on, and remind you of who you are when doubt gets loud... one supportive person can make a world of difference! #truestory
• Don't just do this for you.  Be the leader who uplifts others, the parent who inspires, the friend who brings light, the human who makes the world better just by being more of who they are.  That's what big trust unlocks - not just inner trust, but outer impact!
• No matter where you are in life, YOUR FUTURE IS STILL YOURS TO SHAPE!  ...Self-trust isn't built in one grand moment.  It's built in every small moment where you decide:  I'm not shrinking.  I'm not hiding.  I'm not doubting - not this time.  Now, go re-write your story!"

God is with me.

God is for me.

He renews my strength 

and guides my steps,
and He will complete the good things

HE has started.

❤ ❤ ❤

In Other News...

My word for 2026 is Renewal, so it catches my eye any time I see it.  Yes, please to Jesus being my Shepherd and renewing my strength and guiding me along right paths that bring honor to His name!!

Made me laugh to get the full welcome packet after registering for the Biblical Foundations class this fall!  I've been here for four years now, but thanks for the extra swag! =)

Random pic I saved from FB - maybe it's AI, but I'm choosing to believe it's just adorable pom puppies that bring my heart the most joy!!

Sophie Hudson is writing a book that's a tribute to her Mom and also includes a cookbook with lots of her old recipes - as a longtime podcast listener, I freaking love that journey for her! =)

Grabbed some Gourmet donuts this morning for a friend who's going through a very hard season... this would help cheer anyone up, right!?

Lindsay Jane with Phoenix, Memphis, and Wavy - I don't get to see her much these days, but I'm praying for God's very best for her and her kids!!

My CleanEatz meal delivery kit arrived right before my DoorDashed Mexican food dinner and dessert, and the irony of that made me laugh!

Michael reclaimed the #1 spot back from Devil Wears Prada 2, which is incredibly appropriate, as that movie was over-hyped nonsense, and Michael is fantastic!  Mom and I went to see it again this afternoon! =)

5-22 = my old address, Tman's graduation day, and Elizabeth Jane's birthday, which I still always think of that day!  I'm very unsure about what went wrong there, but I love and miss her and sincerely wish her and her husband all the best!  It's honestly a fairly long list of people I will be thrilled to fully catch up with in Heaven, but we will have the time and the relational capacity and love and understanding and personal wholeness for exactly that - what a GIFT!  Kudos to her for training hard and conquering multiple marathons over the past few years!!

Here's Kate and Tman on the subway in Boston!

And Triston and Reese at a Red Sox game!

K-Faith and Laynie (her classmate, Colin's older sister)

Jace Michael and Gavin (his Senior "Big Brother")

Dad's new car (and mine behind it)!  Rach and I came over to hang out with them and watch the Thunder playoffs game last night... Jaceman called approximately 15x throughout the game to gloat about how well his new fav Spurs player, "Wemby" (Victor Wembanyama) was playing! lol

Cute picture frame at Amber Marie, but not really worth $130!

MacKenzie is proud of her stuff! lol

And that concludes the random pics I wanted to throw in here somewhere. =)

❤ ❤ ❤

Karli Marie (38)

After much back and forth about a Saturday morning LifeGroup that ended up being cancelled, I joined my second fam in Tulsa for a delightful brunch at the new Cheever's Cafe to celebrate Karli's 38th Birthday!!

Miss Paige Evelyn waving hello (top right) ❤

We split the carrot cake and chocolate cake - both pretty great!

And I got the French toast with caramelized peaches and whipped cream - yum!

We had a great waitress named Brooke, and everyone enjoyed their food!

I did some shopping at Utica Square then met the Wilsons and Weatherfords at AMC for The Sheep Detectives... I got to hold Paige again for the first 20 minutes or so, then she got the hiccups and it was very upsetting for her, so I passed her right back to Karli. lol

Sweetness sleeping peacefully in her "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" shirt! ❤

HBD to Karli Marie, and I'm thankful as always for a light and fun day with the Wilson fam!!

❤❤❤

The Graduate!

Mrs. King presented Triston at CHA's Graduation ceremony last Friday (5-22-26):

Very proud to be his Aunt!

The Fam, minus Jaceman who was very busy chatting with someone!

I asked ChatGPT to add him in and make him a little taller than me... so it made him 7-foot! lol  Naturally, he loves this pic and assures me he'll be that height someday soon! lol

This = me telling mom to raise her phone camera... higher angle is always better! lol

Rach with all four Parrish kids (whilst Jace borrows T's grad cap)!

Parrish Siblings!

Wendy, Triston, and JoBug

Mamaw, Tman, and Grandpa

The passing of the green jacket as Josh Bullard handed over the Headmaster role to Mr. Schapansky

J&K are fans of him, so I hope that continues as he steps into the leadership role!

Reese Kufahl, Kyndal (who wore her best OSU colors in honor of Reese and Laynie, both future Cowboys), and Tman!

Brook's side of the family:  Shauna, Maggie, Mason, Pat (Nana), Shirley, Carter, and Carter's friend who likely didn't know he was signing up for a 2-hour ceremony! lol

I had a good talk with Megan Elizabeth just before the ceremony!  Her oldest nephew was also graduating... her dad (Hudson's grandad) got to present him, and he was the first third-generation student to graduate from CHA (his mom and dad and maternal grandma all graduated there, and his parents and grandad are all currently on staff)!

JB complimenting Jaceman on how tall he's getting!

❤

In a fascinating turn of events, I could tell that Mrs. King (who presented Triston at the ceremony) seemed to know me, and she looked very familiar..... she's one of Triston's favorites on the CHA staff, and she's a mom with a daughter in Kyndal's class who's one of K's good friends.  

She is ALSO a 1997 CHA grad who was part of the 2006 faculty trip to Boston...

I would never have joined their entire class trip, but my four favorite seniors from that class missed their scheduled class trip due to competing in Mock Trial Nationals... so they joined the CHA faculty for a summer trip to Boston, and I was OVERJOYED to join them for that!

This = me, the famous JoshuaMichaelMartin, Sarah Bliss, Evan, and Ms. Audra Wolfley (who later married and became Mrs. King) outside before the Boston Pops Sound of Music sing-along!  Bottom pic is her joining "the Fab 5" (Evan, Josh, Me, Zana, and Sarah) for dinner at the Wayside Inn!  She was friendly and fun and the youngest member of the faculty 20 years back, so she hung out with our group a lot and knew a very-JMM-obsessed version of me! 

Her (after taking our photo repeatedly):  "You two make such a cute couple!"

Josh:  "Oh, we're not together, just best friends."

Me:  "Not yet, and THANKS!"

Hot. Mess.

Here's hoping that's all filtered right out of her memory. lolol

Anyway, she's really kind, and yay for finally making that connection exactly 20 years down the road!!

❤ ❤ ❤