The long and winding Dead-End Road...
- I was 26 years old the first time I considered adopting a child as a single woman (HERE).
- At 33, I took the 3-weekend DHS foster parenting training classes and completed my first home study (HERE).
- At 37, after grieving the Malori friendship (round 2), I felt like God gave me the green light to pursue adoption in the fall of 2021 (HERE).
- I made a profile book, did a home study update, met with an Oklahoma adoption attorney, worked with a Florida adoption agency, and connected with a struggling single birth-mom who ended up deciding to keep her child (at the time).
- After hitting some roadblocks in all of the above, at 38, immediately after moving back to the Moore area, I started medical appointments to try for a donor-insemination pregnancy... trying four IUI procedures that were unsuccessful (HERE). I tried a fifth time a year later - also unsuccessful. Lots of positive ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests = rough emotionally.
- At 39, I signed up for embryo adoption... and just after turning 40, I was devastated to learn that both embryo matches (from two different placing families) were not medically viable for transfer (HERE).
- That was a big part of the motivation behind choosing weight loss surgery that summer - to be healthier for a potential pregnancy.
- In the meantime, I had another surgery to remove a uterine polyp (HERE), and I was matched with another placing family with embryos that could not be transferred (which everyone told me was a major anomaly, which had me questioning God's plan).
- Then at 41, just after starting the PhD program, I was overjoyed to be matched with a biracial placing family. But as it moved closer, I wrestled with A LOT of anxiety and doubt, knowing how much it would change my life, and not knowing if those changes were truly desirable.
- Last September, I learned that I would need a third surgery to remove uterine fibroids that would make the already-high-risk pregnancy even more dangerous and difficult. And after a lot of prayer and internal wrestling with whether God was in this (HERE), I finally decided to close the door on the embryo adoption path (HERE).
So I spent thousands of dollars, invested a lot of emotional energy, met with attorneys and daycares, talked with adoption judges, endured several painful medical procedures, had two surgeries, had long talks with friends and family, and spent a lot of time in prayer. It's exhausting just reading about it now. (That list was focused on motherhood, but I could make a similar list about the various dating apps and setups I have tried, all with a similar disappointing ending, with the added bonus of feeling personally rejected/unchosen). God has been kind and comforted me through the various losses, and I have genuinely learned a lot through all of this, but I would LOVE to have more than personal growth to show for the above efforts.
I live a blessed life in so many ways, and I am grateful for all that God has given me!
It is also true that I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 20s.
I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 30s.
I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my body.
Thus far, I do not know what it feels like to be desired/pursued by a really good Christian man.
And that's hard. And there is genuine, valid grief for all of that.
There is also fear (that stems from poor theology ingrained in childhood) of my life never having full value as an unmarried, childless woman. And in my case, there is maybe-unfair shame over not hearing correctly from God on the above decisions and pursuits, and fear of publicly failing again. I feel like I am trying to stay very still, and it's making me think about Exodus 14 (where Moses tells them to be still, then God promptly tells them to move on).
After thinking it over, I've realized that in this season, I am not grieving over the loss of motherhood so much as I am grieving the loss of a clear end goal and purpose. The degree, the health journey, and everything else I pursued felt more meaningful with that overarching relational goal in mind. Without that, I feel very adrift, and I hate that feeling.
I know in my heart that God is a God of hope and redemption, and I am doing my best to hold on to that. To believe there are far better things ahead. To lean into His power, love, and a sound mind rather than focusing on fear. I need a new relational goal that feels clear and compelling. And aligned!
So I am praying for fresh clarity, wisdom, and COURAGE to take bold action toward new meaningful goals that God puts on my heart. I want to live a FRUITFUL life and to walk in true alignment with God's plan and path for me, and it is NOT easy for me to trust that in any direction right now. But I know that staying stuck is not His best for me either.
Prayers for God-given healing, wisdom, clarity, alignment, and courage would be most appreciated!
That's all for now. I needed to dive into the deep end and get some of that written down and out of my head this morning, but now I am off to Keller, TX for The Buddies Tour with Annie and Eddie - YAY!!
❤ ❤ ❤
