Messy Seasons; Clear Identity

Ten years ago (on 6-16-16), Mom had a spinal fusion, a major surgery with an intense recovery period.  Pics = Mom on the phone with Jaceman before going back for surgery, my first AFD book (read cover to cover while staying with Mom in that hospital room), waiting room with Babah and Dad, Bill and Debbie Wallace coming by the hospital to wait with us, and Jace enjoying the CFA lunch I dropped off for the Parrish fam at JoBug's pool! ❤

A Flipagram time capsule with some vivid memories from that season:

Look at 2016 me using a John Mayer song - never been a big fan of him as a person, but that song is a pretty good one.  I'm so thankful for the blog record and for slideshows like this that encapsulate the feeling of certain seasons.

Anyway, I was about to write something self-condemning about how "I was a hot mess" in that season.

Caregiving takes a toll, and it was absolutely a stressful time (including a dreadful night where Mom's blood pressure was critically low and her kidneys were not functioning and the doctors were struggling to bring it back up and I was the only family member present at the hospital, then they released her to go home a couple days before they really should have).  Some of it's a blur now, but I know I cried several times, put too much pressure on myself, felt like I wasn't handling anything well, and ended up seeing a counselor for a bit.  Soooo much grace for myself as I look back!

Brene Brown told a short story that resonated with me.  While picking her daughter up from Kindergarten, the teacher told her this story: Earlier that day, the kids were playing with glue and glitter, and the teacher playfully commented, "Ohhh, you are a mess!" to Brene's daughter... then her daughter politely responded, "I might be making a mess right now, but I am not a mess." ❤

I adore that, and I'm adopting it.

I am wonderfully complex (Psalm 139), made in God's image, loved and worth loving, every day of my life fully seen and recorded in God's book (and on this blog). ;-)

I've been through some very messy seasons (haven't we all?).

And I am not a mess.

(Harder still, 2007 Lindsey was not a mess.  She made some bad choices, but Jesus loved her enough to fight for her heart.  She was a work in progress, gradually growing in Christ through hard seasons and big losses.)

I'm reminding myself that our word choices MATTER.  And I'm not going to speak messiness (pain, chaos, confusion, stress, overwhelm) over my life or identity.  And I won't say it about others either, which I've definitely done without intending any harm at times - I want to be someone who is thoughtful, intentional, and caring with my words.

For now, whenever I feel tempted to give a one-word "MESS!" response, I'm going to replace that with "GRACE!" to remind myself to be kind and have extra grace for myself and others.  We're all human, and life is freaking hard sometimes, and we are allowed to feel it all as we move through it into better seasons ahead.  We all have certain weaknesses and come from different starting points, and it's okay not to be okay all the time.  God is with us and for us, and we have the ability to learn and keep moving forward, with all the grace we need one day at a time!!

Here's me taking a quick walk at The Station after voting this afternoon. 

I saved this lovely pic after reading something about Tower Bridge earlier - a London trip is definitely on my Life List, and I plan to make it happen someday! =)

Whatever messy things you may be feeling or facing today, don't give it power over your identity.

YOU are not a mess.  Remember this truth:

We are God's masterpiece,
created in Christ Jesus
for good works God planned for us long ago!
(Ephesians 2:10)

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Life Lately...

Hey, friends and family!  Hope you're having a delightful weekend so far. ❤

This = me and Kristin walking toward each other from opposite sides of The Station on Wednesday. lol

It felt like a dramatic movie moment.  Their parking lot is so full (thanks to the pool being open this month) that we had to park on opposite sides of the lake.  Once we met in the middle, we had a lovely Wednesday walk and talk! =)

This = Tman heading into Holly's apartment for part two of his time in Colorado.  I came back home so I wouldn't miss too many workdays, but he stayed at her place (while she was in Vegas from Monday to Thursday) and explored more of Colorado.  He was able to meet with two of the mentors from Holly's company, another engineer friend of hers, and his favorite former teacher from CHA (who moved to CO a couple years back).  He also got to explore Breckenridge, brainstorm new business ideas, take the train to Boulder, walk around Cherry Creek, buy some groceries at Trader Joe's, and experience being in the apartment on his own for a few days.  I picked him up at the airport on Thursday night, and it was uplifting to hear how well things had gone for him!

The Mini Miss K is making this awesome gift for her best friend, Ellery!

I love her creativity and attention to detail, and the thoughtful effort she's putting in for her friend!

A screen background that made me happy when my computer rebooted.  I love this whole office room, honestly!  A cozy home workspace I don't wanna be forced to leave any time soon. lol

AFD and JW - all of her wedding planning posts are fun to read lately!

K-Faith is the best. lol  Huzzah for winning this trivia game... Dad was watching Jace play basketball, so only Mom and I played.  We both knew most of the answers, but I was faster to click the right button on my phone. lol

The KiwiCo gift subscription I got Tate for his 8th bday was a solid choice... this is the archery kit he built - Karli said it's been a hit with both kids, so I'm thrilled to hear that!  And on the right is preshface Parker being adorable with her mermaid Barbie.  (The Petite Princess subscription I got for her has been less than stellar so far - I need them to step it up and be more timely, as the thought of her running to the mailbox excited then coming back emptyhanded is the very saddest!)

Yay, new flowers (planted by Bobby) in my mini-flowerbed!

Speaking of flowers, in a surprising move, Rachael planted some flowers in her front yard her very own self, then she had an entertaining convo with ChattyG (as she calls it) about how they were doing.  This screenshot made Triston and I pretty happy! lolol  (And yes, I acknowledge it's a little creepy that it's telling her it "feels invested" and asking for more pics and saying they'll get through it together if the flowers die - the degree to which it is trained to act as a friend/therapist is pretty fascinating.)

Precious Tom Holland... playing the oldest brother in The Impossible (the tsunami movie), then today.  He and Glen Powell are my top two actors at the moment - I find Tom incredibly endearing.  His podcast interview with Amy Poehler was great... he talked about being severely dyslexic and having never hosted SNL because he tends to freeze when he has to read something aloud and worries about how he would handle the cue cards.  He always tries to memorize his lines for script read-throughs.  It just made me like him even more (as if Spider-Man and this epic performance weren't enough).

In other news, I hosted the Heal Out Loud women's LifeGroup for the second time yesterday.  We had an in-depth discussion of Psalm 139, then Katie shared her story with us.  Here's me, Haley, Natalie and Walker, Ashley, Josie, and Katie - thankful for this group and for the opportunity to host and lead this summer - it's been good for me in lots of ways!

Yesterday was also Mom and Dad's 45th Anniversary!!
Pics = her cooking and him washing dishes at a recent family dinner - (the only candid I threw in, but I'm grateful for their kindness and hospitality and they way they help/serve each other), 2013 anniversary dinner, after Grandad's graveside service 2019, their wedding day 1981, family dinner for T's graduation celebration, Mom's 70th birthday, their 40th Anniversary at Charleston's, Thanksgiving dinner at Justin's, and the ferry ride on our NYC trip!

❤

A CCU friend who is turning 30 this month had a dramatically-themed party that included cookies mourning her youth and a scavenger hunt at a real local cemetery (where I sincerely hope they planned the timing extra carefully).

*This is one of the most playful people I know, so I'm certain it was well-intended and a joyful time with her friends, and I sincerely hope her decade milestone bday ahead is fantastic!!

...Maybe it's because I've experienced intense grief along with genuine suicidality several years back, but I typically cannot get on board with jokes about death - even the skull memes and "I died" laughing trend is *not* a fit for me.  I have learned that our words have a spiritual and physical impact, "the power of life and death" as God put it -  and we can choose to speak life and hope and renewal, trusting that we can embody youthful energy, be kind to our inner child, and create fun memories with the people we love right up until God takes us to Heaven, where those things will literally never die again!!

On a related note, when I finish this blog, I will be writing a card for Kristen's parents, as the one-year anniversary of her death is fast approaching.  The front of the card is this verse:  "There are in the end three things that last: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love." ~1 Cor. 13:13
I am very grateful that Christ-centered faith, hope, and love never die. ❤

The fam (+ Ellery) after our dinner at BJ's last night! ❤

My Biscoff pizookie - shared with Mom and Rach and it was still unfinished, but yum!

I've watched a couple of the MasterClass videos from Shade Zahrai lately (pronounced Shaw-day, and writing it that way just made me think of Usher. lol)  She authored the Big Trust book on overcoming self-doubt that I loved.  In one of her classes, she talked about how she wasn't sure getting her PhD was worth the effort, and how there is great value in "the applied practitioner approach" (distilling complex academic research and presenting the information in a way that helps laypeople understand the core concepts and learn something valuable).  Mel Robbins, Brene Brown, Vanessa Van Edwards, and Beth Moore all do this well, and in every case, that is soooo much closer to what I want for my future than writing and publishing textbooks or rigorous academic papers full of terms most people would not understand or connect with.  I'm after heart connection that leads to Kingdom impact!

So I'm very grateful to Allen Levi for his rules of writing that sparked a lot of this thought process, and to Shade for that insight that allowed me to put clear language to something I've been feeling/thinking for a while now.  It's all starting to come together internally, and I've created a plan to write a solid book draft (not a memoir, but an accessible book that will incorporate pieces of my story along with Biblical truth and evidence-based research on learned helplessness, personal agency, and post-traumatic growth - yes, puh-lease!) I have a working title and clear chapter ideas and everything - yay!!  More on that as I move forward.  (I could absolutely sift through the research and write this book right now, but there is a sincere question/curiosity in my mind about whether the LPC and PhD would make my writing feel more credible here, so I may set up a meeting with Dr. Burkhart to discuss all of the above now that I'm beginning to see the end-goal and my desired reading audience more clearly, which all feels exciting and hopeful.)

Okay then!  Happy Sunday, Happy Flag Day, and Happy Bday to JMM! lol #neverforget  I hope it's a wonderful day and week ahead for you!!

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On Grieving with Hope

The long and winding Dead-End Road...

• I was 26 years old the first time I considered adopting a child as a single woman (HERE).
• At 33, I took the 3-weekend DHS foster parenting training classes and completed my first home study (HERE).
• At 37, after grieving the Malori friendship (round 2), I felt like God gave me the green light to pursue adoption in the fall of 2021 (HERE).
• I made a profile book, did a home study update, met with an Oklahoma adoption attorney, worked with a Florida adoption agency, and connected with a struggling single birth-mom who ended up deciding to keep her child (at the time).
• After hitting some roadblocks in all of the above, at 38, immediately after moving back to the Moore area, I started medical appointments to try for a donor-insemination pregnancy... trying four IUI procedures that were unsuccessful (HERE).  I tried a fifth time a year later - also unsuccessful.  Lots of positive ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests = rough emotionally.
• At 39, I signed up for embryo adoption... and just after turning 40, I was devastated to learn that both embryo matches (from two different placing families) were not medically viable for transfer (HERE).
• That was a big part of the motivation behind choosing weight loss surgery that summer - to be healthier for a potential pregnancy.  
• In the meantime, I had another surgery to remove a uterine polyp (HERE), and I was matched with another placing family with embryos that could not be transferred (which everyone told me was a major anomaly, which had me questioning God's plan).
• Then at 41, just after starting the PhD program, I was overjoyed to be matched with a biracial placing family.  But as it moved closer, I wrestled with A LOT of anxiety and doubt, knowing how much it would change my life, and not knowing if those changes were truly desirable.
• Last September, I learned that I would need a third surgery to remove uterine fibroids that would make the already-high-risk pregnancy even more dangerous and difficult.  And after a lot of prayer and internal wrestling with whether God was in this (HERE), I finally decided to close the door on the embryo adoption path (HERE).

So I spent thousands of dollars, invested a lot of emotional energy, met with attorneys and daycares, talked with adoption judges, endured several painful medical procedures, had two surgeries, had long talks with friends and family, and spent a lot of time in prayer.  It's exhausting just reading about it now.  (That list was focused on motherhood, but I could make a similar list about the various dating apps and setups I have tried, all with a similar disappointing ending, with the added bonus of feeling personally rejected/unchosen).  God has been kind and comforted me through the various losses, and I have genuinely learned a lot through all of this, but I would LOVE to have more than personal growth to show for the above efforts.

I live a blessed life in so many ways, and I am grateful for all that God has given me!

It is also true that I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 20s. 

I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 30s.

I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my body.

Thus far, I do not know what it feels like to be desired/pursued by a really good Christian man.

And that's hard.  And there is genuine, valid grief for all of that.

There is also fear (that stems from poor theology ingrained in childhood) of my life never having full value as an unmarried, childless woman.  And in my case, there is maybe-unfair shame over not hearing correctly from God on the above decisions and pursuits, and fear of publicly failing again.  I feel like I am trying to stay very still, and it's making me think about Exodus 14 (where Moses tells them to be still, then God promptly tells them to move on).

After thinking it over, I've realized that in this season, I am not grieving over the loss of motherhood so much as I am grieving the loss of a clear end goal and purpose.  The degree, the health journey, and everything else I pursued felt more meaningful with that overarching relational goal in mind.  Without that, I feel very adrift, and I hate that feeling.

I know in my heart that God is a God of hope and redemption, and I am doing my best to hold on to that.  To believe there are far better things ahead.  To lean into His power, love, and a sound mind rather than focusing on fear.  I need a new relational goal that feels clear and compelling.  And aligned!

So I am praying for fresh clarity, wisdom, and COURAGE to take bold action toward new meaningful goals that God puts on my heart.  I want to live a FRUITFUL life and to walk in true alignment with God's plan and path for me, and it is NOT easy for me to trust that in any direction right now.  But I know that staying stuck is not His best for me either.  

Prayers for God-given healing, wisdom, clarity, alignment, and courage would be most appreciated!

That's all for now.  I needed to dive into the deep end and get some of that written down and out of my head this morning, but now I am off to Keller, TX for The Buddies Tour with Annie and Eddie - YAY!!

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Welcome Back + Prayer Plan

If my friends or family members happen to check in here, hello and welcome back!! =)  I hope your 2026 is off to a good start!

Writing is a healthy outlet for me, and I care about documenting the details... the blogging has been a bit more sporadic in 2026, but with or without a reading audience, I am likely to continue to blog for the foreseeable future!  I am giving myself the grace to be human and unfinished and imperfect, so I've decided to go ahead and make this public again... while still wrestling with some inner conflict over global events and personal goals and decisions ahead!

Seeing The Great Awakening on Easter weekend really inspired me to seek God more actively and to implement a new daily prayer for God-given wisdom and guidance in my decisions every morning.  I've also been convicted about turning to AI too often for relational guidance (more on that HERE), and I'm becoming more and more determined to pursue the REAL, God-given intimacy, wisdom, health, and inner power over any quicker-fix counterfeits.  Super challenging, and that is why I need to be serious in my daily prayer habit to help renew my mind and heart!!

"The longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth: that God governs in the affairs of men.  And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid?  We have been assured, sir, in the Sacred Writings that "except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it."  I firmly believe this.  And I also believe that without His concurring aid, we shall succeed in this political building no better than the Builders of Babel... I therefore beg leave to move that henceforth prayers imploring the assistance of Heaven and its blessings on our deliberations be held in this assembly every morning before we proceed to business..."

~Ben Franklin to the Constitutional Convention❤

So there's that.  Again, welcome back, and Happy Monday!

And so that this post will have a photo, here's a throwback to our 1993 Glamour Shots pic I used for National Sibling Day 2026! ❤

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Distorted Reality

MINDSET SHIFT TIME!  I'm reminding myself of this lately:

There's a lot of truth to that.  I have "practiced noticing" all the best things about my favorite people and all the worst things about people who tend to annoy me.  I've practiced noticing God's goodness, but also practiced noticing what is wrong in the church.  Most recently, I have practiced noticing what makes the counseling profession difficult, but have not been actively seeking what makes it valuable and rewarding.  I've practiced noticing how difficult the first part of dating is (the online search, the small talk, the buildup, the potential rejection anxiety)... but haven't practiced thinking about all that could go right, and my low expectations of men (NOT low standards, but the educated belief that most men will fail to live up to them) sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

So I want to practice noticing what is good and pure and lovely and uplifting, Philippians 4:8 style!!

I've been in kind of a rough headspace lately, feeling shame and wanting to disappear and hide, but this is helping me. I was practicing noticing my own faults and failings and struggle to find purpose, rather than practicing noticing all the opportunities to do meaningful things in the life I have right now.  I need to give my heart some space to grieve for the life I wish I had in this season - and then I need to pull it together and move forward.  It's the major themes versus the minor themes John Eldredge often talks about.

To be dramatic but honest, my heart has felt like a wilderness or desert... dry, barren, empty, parched, hidden, weary.... (not a mom, not a wife, not a counselor, not an author)... desolate, unchosen, unfruitful.  And the verse I read today about God bringing abundant flowers and singing and joy into the desert (Isaiah 35:1-2) was really a refreshing breath of fresh air for my soul and spirit!

I am believing Him for that kind of redemptive beauty in my life story!! ❤  Lather, rinse, repeat.

And that's all for this post.

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Marching On!!

While still working and prioritizing people I care about, I gave myself grace to take a legit break from a few things in January and February.  And now that March has arrived, I am embracing the natural growth and vibrant new life that comes with Springtime!!

The 1st day of March included signing up for a year of eHarmony and making an appointment to discuss Zepbound medication.  And here on day 15, I have officially started the lowest dose of Zepbound, texted with an eHarmony match, reconnected with CCU friends and joined a extracurricular group project with Amy and Faith, spoken with my Student Services Advisor about potentially resuming PhD classes in October, helped plan a baby shower for my favorite fam, welcomed my newest niece, reconnected with several old friends, learned about potential job changes at the OCC this fall, jumped back into the Peloton "HardCore" workout calendar, and signed up for a bungee fitness class in Moore!  Yay, Spring! lol

I've pushed myself to be busier and more productive on transcripts and other life goals lately.

I have not, however, felt very connected with God...

My soul thirsts for God, the living God, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

That's been my phone screensaver for a bit, and it's a true story.

I think I am feeling a little forgotten/abandoned/hurt/disoriented about where to find purpose and whether anything I pursue and care about really makes a difference or even matters to God - whether He is invested in my story or kinda checked out and leaving me to fend for myself -- and I really, really need to take those thoughts captive, separate the light from the darkness, and draw near to Him.  I can feel myself being resistant lately, focusing on TV and friendships and busywork more than what matters most.  All other ground is sinking sand - and I'm reminding myself of that right now.  I will start my Renewal Write the Word prayer journal tomorrow morning, and I will make a new Power Thoughts list and video for this season.  I'm committing to that right now.

Shifting gears, here are some fun pics from a family dinner and game night earlier this month!  (Jace is trying to get us to guess the word "synagogue" by putting a styrofoam bowl on his head to play the Rabbi Simeon role from their 4th grade play! lol)

Yes to this.  Move on, learn, and adjust!

We got to catch up with Kate during Kyndal's Texas VB tournament - she's training for the Bike MS race in May, and I admire her resilient spirit and heart for Jesus! ❤

It's always fun to watch them!

Checking out the after-Christmas sales at Decorator's Warehouse (Texas's largest Christmas store) with Mom!

We had dinner with Kate and Evelyn on Friday, then her whole fam came to watch Kyndal play on Saturday! =)

Girls pic just before our drive back to Oklahoma!

Embracing the Peloton bike and app... this was Cody's 20-minute Guardians of the Galaxy ride (with music from that movie and Disney ride) - fun times!

While the bike workouts are great (and far more challenging now with the real Peloton bike), I really love being outside more often this year with my more relaxed remote schedule!!

This = a fun FaceTime catchup with Chettles and Sarah (at her AirBNB in Tahlequah) a couple days before baby Paige arrived... more on that in my next post!

Here's to Springtime and moving forward and March-ing on.

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Finishing Strong

One more post here tonight, and then one final November Blog Challenge post tomorrow!! ❤

They've posted some of the Route 66 official race photos (all available free, which is sooo appreciated)!  Ironically, they haven't posted any pics of Chet with Evan, Mark, or Daniel yet, and only a couple with Jeff - so hopefully they'll keep adding those in, but I was very happy to see these today.  If someone had to be first, I volunteer as tribute. lol  YAY for Finish Line pics with Chettles!!

This was like two seconds into my relay leg (by Tulsa University).  We posed it up for the photographer stationed there, then as we got closer, Chet was like, "Oh, hey Ben!"   Of course he would know the photographer! lol

This = Chet posing it up and me being fully oblivious to this photographer! lol

JEM and Chet nearing the relay exchange zone (I think).

Moving toward the Finish Line, me taking pics of Daniel and Lisa cheering for Chet!

We ❤ running! lol  False.  But we will smile for photos!!

Done!!

At Friendsgiving (later that night), Kantrell asked about how we all got into running or signing up for races, and I had a very immediate answer of Tara from The Biggest Loser!  Back in 2008-2009, she ran a Half-Marathon on the show, and it inspired me and gave me the courage to sign up at Fitness Together and train for the Route 66 Half that year.  In 2010, at least 7 other DDLG friends ran it and we all got a fun pic together afterwards.  Anyway, not all of what I learned from that show was helpful, but I'm grateful for the positive motivation to try signing up for a race... that's been a fun and productive hobby off and on over the last 16 years!

In other news, the wonderful Wilsons joined me today at the final home game for OSU!  Here's our windblown pic on the walk in - Vivian did not approve!

Even with the cold weather, the shirtless guys were going strong, and the inflatable shark in the midst of them brought me joy! lol

We sat inside and snacked and chatted through the first half, then ventured out for the 3rd quarter and one final round with Garth for this season! =)  Thanks again to Dad for the club tickets!!

Happy Saturday, friends and fam!  It's been a delightful and productive Thanksgiving week, and I very much enjoyed the break from work and school!!  Now I'm gearing up to finish strong for the final two weeks of the CCU research courses and the calendar year 2025 and my season of working at the Cleveland County Courthouse!

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Qualities

Day 13:  What’s a personal quality you’re proud of that others often notice?

(This question feels oddly phrased.)

Mind - I'm proud of cultivating a growth mindset where I always learn new things, and it's nice when others know me well enough to compliment that

Body - I'm proud of and deeply grateful for my smile (after experiencing facial paralysis with Bells Palsy, the ability to smile means a great deal to me, and I'm happy any time I hear compliments on that)

Soul - I am proud that I prioritize quality relationships and genuinely care about people; hopefully they notice and feel that, as well

Spirit - Pride isn't the right word, but I'm thankful that I'm willing to be brutally honest in confessing sin and repenting and pursuing peace with God 

Overall - Resilience and sincerity

Shifting gears, how great is this video?  I really love seeing their friendship, and I love and miss James Corden!!  He. is. precious!

"Oh, I hope in time we both will find peace of mind.
Sometimes the road less traveled is the road best left behind.
Well, I hope I learn to get over myself,
And stop trying to be somebody else..."

Happy Thursday, friends and fam!

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