Therapy Takeaways

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.  That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.  If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.  Shame hates having words wrapped around it.  If we speak shame, it begins to wither.  Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.”  ~Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Or as Mister Rogers says, "Anything mentionable is manageable."

My year of therapy work with Emily was largely about seeing myself in a new light—creating a safe place to say the hard things and begin untangling from shame.  I think I’m just starting to feel the ripple effects of that work.

Yesterday was our last regularly-scheduled session, and we're moving to an as-needed basis now.  We've had virtual sessions every other week throughout the past year.  It's the longest I've worked with any counselor, and thus the most deeply I've trusted any counselor and the most progress I've made in any one-year period of life.  (She's a PsyD technically working as a life coach, but she's very well trained, and we dove into past, present, and future topics, so I view her as a counselor/therapist.)

Among other things, we've explored:

• Separating physical hunger cues from visual/mental/emotional food cravings
• Post-surgery hormone fluctuations and early emotional panic and overwhelm
• Shame and trauma around weight, food, and past labels
• Healthy ways to handle new attention and potential unsolicited feedback
• How to discuss nutrition and surgery with others on my terms
• Body image issues and concerns that feel shallow to me but still matter
• The restrict/binge cycle and what holistic health really looks like
• Doubting myself as a clinician, especially while working with younger kids at Restore
• Marathon training; the toxic parts of diet culture and how that has affected me
• Reframing my mindset and language to center on "taking good care of myself"
• Online dating, the burned haystack dating method, necessary boundaries
• Paying attention to my intuition, paying less attention to what everyone else wants, rebuilding self-trust!!
• Tracing where I lost self-trust; discussing the effects of toxic positivity
• Marriage and motherhood, embryo adoption, grieving past efforts that have failed there
• The doctoral program, writing a memoir book, and other meaningful life goals
• Unconventional paths to success; being willing to reassess and redefine it
• Setting good boundaries, dealing with relational conflict
• Navigating a major change in a close friendship
• The value of friendships where I truly feel safe
• Anxiety around travel, politics, relationships, and feeling uninteresting
• Changing family dynamics, ambiguous grief, future transitions
• Letting go of the idea that I have to stay in counseling forever, even if I don't enjoy it
• Freeing myself from ignorant and hurtful comments that caused shame and self-doubt
• Past and present grief, the fullness of my past rejection stories, Bells Palsy, and my heart for families dealing with medical challenges
• Speaking out loud the major shame comments that stuck in my mind (and decreasing their power over me)
• What I learned from the Mel Robbins Launch course and Let Them theory
• My core values, growing spiritually, growing as a leader, crazy church group stories and how that affects my view of IFS, challenging myself to join a new small group
• Book recommendations, potential dissertation topics, and APA vs. CACREP PhDs
• Considering the advice my 90-year-old self would give me
• Making decisions with the lens of what I would regret walking away from

Gracious, a lot happens in any given year, and the past year was particularly pivotal and transformational in my life!  I am beyond grateful for Emily's validation, gentleness, empathy, support, example, and wisdom!  Feeling seen and heard matters, and even if we only discussed some of the above one time, it's made a difference for me.  Our session yesterday was fantastic -- I shared my news about the doctoral residency trip and details of the embryo adoption match -- we celebrated all of that together and processed the new ways God is working in my heart and life.  Then we briefly discussed her dissertation topic (on finding meaning and purpose after you reach the acceptance stage of deep grief, based on Victor Frankl's book and logotherapy, which is what inspired Donald Miller's Hero on a Mission, so we talked about that too!)...  Then we went 30 minutes over time going over our original therapy goals (5) and discussing takeaways and areas where we see growth and improvement.  She said she is cheering me on and praying for me, and reminded me that I should let myself celebrate and feel joy and trust that I can handle it if things do not work out the way I'm hoping.  I'm going to collect my thoughts and write an email thanking her for helping me through the past year.  We've built a solid foundation now, and I will absolutely call her and set up a session when the next season calls for extra support or discernment.

Emily (left) with Amy and Lynda from Oak Haven

All our sessions have been virtual, but I hope to get a photo with Emily next time I have an opportunity!  Either way, I'm grateful for all the ways our therapeutic relationship has added value to my life... not the least of which was providing a solid example for me as I prepare to begin working with clients again soon!! ❤

Doctoral Residency, Part 2!

Writing from a hotel room in Goodland, Kansas tonight!  Grateful for a comfy bed - the dorm mattresses are rough - 3.5 hours down, 6.5 to go tomorrow!

This = Friday breakfast with Ashley and Robyn, one of my favorite parts of this CES Residency!  They were the role play students that I "mentored" or supervised last year.  We had some great talks then and I gave them a list of tips and professor recommendations as they were beginning the Master's program.  So glad I texted them on Thursday ~ they were both back in CO as roommates at MAC Res 2, and we decided to meet up at 7am for breakfast... an hour and a half wasn't really enough time, but it was great to hear about their first year in the program, the internship sites they've found for this coming August, and their interest in the PhD program - which we discussed quite a bit, as well!  They both said thanks for the tips I gave them last year - they've had fantastic professors and are absolutely loving the program so far, so we were all just CCU fangirls talking it up! lol  Anyway, it was great to see them and catch up, and it really encouraged me to hear how something that took a small effort on my part made a big difference in their lives. ❤

Last July at their Res 1 and my Res 3 (they pair people up for role play exercises, then you work together the whole week coaching/supporting them as they practice counseling each other).

On that note, Christian counselors make awesome friends - the listening skills, the sincere empathy, and the strong tendency to dive right on into the deeper topics is such a breath of fresh air every time I'm surrounded by CCU Counseling Students!

Me and Heather Martinez, my roommate this year (there are three rooms that connect to the same living room common area - it was me and Heather, Alicia and Charisse, and Michelle and Laura)!  Heather is a wife and a mom of one boy and two girls, and she's already working as an LPC-Supervisor with a thriving counseling practice!

Finally getting to know Faith Smith, a peer from my CCU Master's cohort (but we had no classes together that whole time).  She and I helped co-lead Dr. Brashear's group of Masters Res 2 students yesterday, and it was awesome to hear their stories and stresses and answer their questions and encourage them and share a bit about our Practicum and Internship experiences!!  I loved being in that role and connecting with/encouraging people who are just a few steps behind me, and that reminder was a gift as I've been considering whether I would really enjoy a teaching/supervising role!

Alicia, Elyse, and Ellie taking a stretch break! lol

Everyone else got a drink with dinner last night, so I got a fun cheers-ing pic!

After our Saturday dinner at Lady Nomada (where we ran into Dr. Robinson from CCU)!

Me and Alicia and Terri went to see Thunderbolts after dinner... then had a great talk about how the movie illustrates shame/depression and the way we need community!

I love this campus.  That's all.

Worship session Sunday morning!

❤❤❤

The majority of today was "Super Statistical Sunday," where Dr. Wood talked with us for a long time about Quantitative Research and the SPSS software that will help with our calculations.  It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, and I'm quite thankful we're not having to memorize formulas or do any math by hand.  I can input data into a spreadsheet with the best of them. lol

After a long day of mostly stats work, it was soooo refreshing to end with a 40-minute lecture from Dr. Burkhart, followed by the group photo I'd been wanting all day, then the commissioning ceremony and closing prayer!

I so respect and value the Godly leaders at this school!  Also, I sent this pic to Chet because this slide made me think of him - he's good at most if not all of these "leadership paradoxes."

The new Considine Chapel... in a last-minute decision, Dr. Burkhart let us come in there for the group photo, then we stayed there for the final session, and it felt sacred in a way I can't really explain well in words.

Above = the 17 students in my cohort, along with Dr. Sara Wood, Dr. Gregg Elliott, and Dr. Selin Philip!

I'm so grateful for the words spoken to us and over us today!

Dr. Philip (in her humble but powerful way):  "Trust the process, and trust the God behind the process... Welcome to this holy, sacred work of leadership!"  

Dr. Elliott:  "You are where you are supposed to be - do not let go of it easily!  You made this decision with fortitude and faith and determination... and the only way you won't make it through at this point is if you choose not to make it!" ❤

The Res 2 doctoral students (CCU's first cohort) gathered around us along with the faculty and prayed over us... then we did the same surrounding them, and Dr. Burkhart prayed for all of us.  He started off with "Lord, I'm most grateful for when You showed up in moments of transition and seasons of change, when I needed guidance and had to make decisions that were scary or hard..."

I really felt that.  In spite of my deep love for CCU, I am not entirely sure that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life in this season.  Life tends to throw curveballs when we least expect it.  The adoption door is still in question for me, and I believe motherhood could also be a high calling and a vital role in God's Kingdom, and I have valid doubts about my ability to do both well in my current situation... Anyway, while thinking through all of that very quickly, Dr. Burkhart ended his prayer with:  "We pray that these students would advance Your Kingdom and Your mission and Your purpose in whatever role they find themselves!"  I was holding hands with Faith Smith and Dr. Wood, and I had tears rolling down both sides of my face at that point.  Because YES, Lord - that is the actual point - and I felt so much freedom as I heard him say that.  Honestly, the PhD is within reach for me, but it is just one of MANY ways that I might be able to advance God's Kingdom and mission - there is no pressure from God or no sense that this is the only way I can honor Him with my life - so I'm moving forward with classes and doing my best for now while holding these dreams loosely and keeping my heart open and surrendered to God's leading.  Not my will, but His purpose for me.  Dr. Philip gave each of us first-year students a bag of mustard seeds as a reminder that although we may feel small right now, God can grow our lives into something that nourishes others when we stay rooted in Him.  She gave each of the year 3 students a towel tied in a bow to remind them of Jesus' example of washing feet and serving others even as He led with great authority.  She's phenomenal, and I want to become her real life actual friend. lol

I can't say I have full clarity on what will happen moving forward, but I do have renewed peace and faith. ❤

If God chooses not to open the door for motherhood, then I will probably be back on the CCU campus in 2027, ready to complete my dissertation and move forward in my career calling.  If I become a Mom by that time, then I'll pray about it and hope to be back at CCU down the road.  I have six years from now to complete the PhD degree, so I'm aware of that ticking timeline, and I'm grateful to know that God has a good plan!  Whether it's two years or five years or somewhere in between there, I pray that God richly blesses Colorado Christian University until we meet again! =)

I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!  May we all advance God's Kingdom, His mission, and His purpose - right where we are today!

❤ ❤ ❤

Wait for It!

I'm feeling better already.  Writing is such a good processing outlet for me, and I find ambiguous grief to be interesting and relatable on a personal and professional level.  I'm confident that God is at work, and if the Holy Spirit leads you to pray for me, I would value and appreciate that!

And now, on to the usual Photo Friday fun!! ❤

Sarah and her family came to OKC for a couple days this week, so I met her for a late lunch at The Mule after my adoption matching call (while Steve and Kate stayed at the Science Museum).  It was good to catch up on things as she's on a mini-break between semesters after finishing her first full year of CRNA school!

Annie F. Downs led a Zoom session on Singleness on Tuesday - it was well done, and she and Katie had a lot of encouraging things to say!  Emily and I had a good follow-up talk about that, and my homework before our next session is to research LifeGroups (any church small group Bible studies) that I might wanna join soon!

Okay, I'm still a little surprised by myself on this one, but beyond excited - yay, Life List goals! lol  I booked a solo one-day NYC trip to see a matinee performance of Hamilton on Broadway in September, with Leslie Odom Jr. back as Aaron Burr!  (I know most people won't care or get the magnitude of it, but him being back is a big deal.)  And if any of his former original castmates decide to join him or come watch, ummm, I won't be sad about it. lol  I wanna be in the room where it happens, and I'm willing to wait for it!! ;-)

Naturally, it was very nearly sold out, so I have a partially-obstructed-view box seat on the side of the stage.  (I found a site where it shows your view from different seats and people who've sat there before write in about it, and that was the best one by far of the four seats left.)  I'm SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!  (I also really need American Airlines to come through for me that morning, so praying for that, as well!)  It'll be the first time I've traveled with only a purse.  If all goes according to plan, I'll Uber to the theater district to grab a light lunch, then see the play at the Richard Rodgers Theater from 1-4, grab some Hamilton NY merch (yes, please), grab dinner and dessert at Junior's and/or Serendipity 3, then Uber back to the airport by 7:00 for my 9pm flight. lol  Perfection!

This Instagram post from Levi Lusko was pretty encouraging after the thoughts I shared earlier today!  Love him!

James Clear dropping wisdom!  On this note, I've so enjoyed my post-marathon and Graduation week, but I'm currently feeling very ready to buckle down and dive into a new health/fitness routine on Monday!

Finally picked up my Finisher t-shirt this week, and I love it!!  (They only had extra-smalls left when I reached the Finish Line).

I'm good at this in certain areas, but working on it in others... book writing definitely comes to mind!!  I think I put too much pressure on myself there (shock) to have it be perfect, but I need to treat it more like the blog - writing for friends and family in a way that's fun and honors God and my own values.  All things considered, I need to shut down the critical, perfecionistic Enneagram-1 wing and push into the decisive, determined Enneagram-8 wing side of my personality to make that happen!!

Huzzah for this 12x12 shadowbox frame that hangs in a diamond shape!! ❤

Yay for Tate Haywood winning a character award for Courage!
Happy last day of school to him today!

And finally, hooray for these final pics from my ceremony a week ago today!

Happy Friday, friends and fam!
Keep going - God is with us and for us.
Have a beautiful weekend ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Ambiguous Grief

Misunderstood.
Profound loss without closure.
Unclear, ongoing, unresolved grief.
Often unacknowledged and overlooked/dismissed.
Something significant being physically present but emotionally absent.
Something significant being emotionally present but physically absent.
Hard to name, harder to process and move forward.

Examples of Ambiguous Grief:

• Friendship breakups and fade-outs – Exceptionally painful losses that are rarely treated as seriously as romantic breakups, however deep/long the friendship may have been
• Toxic relationships and divorce – Others may say "good riddance" and cheer your decision or minimize the rejection, while you are left quietly grieving a shattered reality
• Cognitive decline (Alzheimer’s, stroke, dementia, etc.) – Watching someone you love fade slowly while still in front of you and needing physical care
• Unmet desires – For marriage, for children, etc.  Deep longings where others often assign blame instead of offering empathy
• Infertility – A child is emotionally present in your desired story, but the love and hope in your heart have nowhere to land
• Addiction or mental illness – Loving someone who can’t or won't fully show up in return
• Missing persons – Living in the ache of not knowing, with their emotional presence and physical absence
• Mourning what might have been – WandaVision said it best: “What is grief, if not love persevering?”   I believe everyone who experiences either traditional or ambiguous grief faces this internal pain... even with traditional grief, there is part of it that is ongoing and often overlooked and unresolved as you struggle to process the emotional presence and physical absence of someone you still love deeply - and all the ways your world might have been different if they were with you today.

Of course, traditional grief has rituals — obituaries, funerals, bereavement leave, supportive meals and cards, a group of people mourning a concrete loss together.  Ambiguous grief doesn't, although the pain can be just as real and consuming.  There is no day set aside, no formal goodbye or built-in support, no official acknowledgement that someone/something that mattered DEEPLY to you is absent... or slowly deteriorating.

For reasons God alone knows (and I trust that He has a purpose in it), I have experienced so. much. of this ambiguous grief -- some that I have processed deeply; some that still lingers and feels unresolved.

There is a lot to be said for resilience and Kingdom hope... I have worked very hard to become someone who embodies joy and grit, who grows through setbacks and trusts the faithfulness of God, who makes the choice to take action and move forward whenever possible!  

If we allow our ambiguous grief to have full rein, we will likely spiral into an isolated depression, feeling unhealthy self-pity and despair.  But we cannot deny/suppress those hard emotions either.  This is where the Great Commandments come in strong.  When we love God with all our hearts and really press into our walk with Him, we grow more confident that we are NEVER alone or unseen, even in our deepest pain.  God's presence and His intimate knowledge of us are an incredible comfort, not a small or intangible thing!  When others fail to empathize or understand or remember our losses, God does.  In the grief that is gradual and complex and mostly overlooked, God is walking with us through every step of that journey.  The day I broke down sobbing in the hospital bathroom after Babah talked about how Grandad was not making any real progress... God was there, steadying me and strengthening me for what lay ahead.

Embracing community and being honest about what we're navigating is also vital.  I have wonderful friends and family who care about me, and I don't have to face any of the above pain alone.  I am deeply grateful for people who listen, even if and when they don’t fully understand.  Keeping grief inside only isolates us, but being honest invites healing.

Today, I am struggling to know what God wants from me, specifically in the adoption journey.  I'm unsure if pressing forward shows faith or foolishness... if letting go would be wisdom or fear.  It’s been setback after setback, and I'm in limbo again after some discouraging news (that my experience of two failed matches in a row is a major anomaly, and the local clinic I was planning on is actually not a partner clinic with them after all).  The low-key ambiguity feels complex and exhausting - repeatedly sitting in the tension of hope and grief, asking for wisdom and craving comfort.

*If you're in this place too — holding an unresolved grief that’s hard to name and process — I see you.  More importantly, God sees you and cares about everything you are feeling.  You are not alone.

In the midst of relatively minor confusion and discouragement, our ultimate hope is in the Lord.  There is a great reward ahead of us, and our souls can be anchored in that hope!  In the meantime, please pray with me for clarity and peace. ❤

Love you and hope you're having a lovely Friday.  And I hope you choose to draw near and feel God’s nearness in return today!!

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him.'  The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him."  ~Lamentations 3:21-25 NLT

Patterns vs. Possibilities

One more quick post, then I'm really done for tonight. lol

Who I Believe I Am vs. Who I Know I Can Be

My Patterns vs. My Possibilities

Of all the random memes I’ve scrolled past on Facebook, this one stopped me.  It rings deeply true, and I had to sit with it for a minute.

On one hand, I know who I can be—the woman I believe God is calling me to become...
A woman others see, love, and learn from.
A woman of fierce integrity, willing to take big steps of faith, bold risks for God's calling.
An excellent mother who leads with confidence.
A loving wife who is deeply loved and desired.
A wise counselor who speaks with Godly wisdom.
A teacher who truly cares and makes an impact.
A courageous author who writes with vulnerability and authority.
A whole, healed, wholehearted version of me. ❤

But on another level, I often believe myself to be someone... smaller.
The woman who quietly fades into the background.
Who cuts corners.
Who is hesitant and overly practical when risks are required.
Still waiting for motherhood and doubtful it will ever come.
Shaped by rejection, questioning whether anyone could find me beautiful or choose me.
The competent, behind-the-scenes court reporter—but not a leading voice.
Too entangled in her own mess to offer clarity to anyone else.
The longtime blogger who isn’t sure her words are book-worthy after all.
Fearful.  Stagnant.  Lacking real power.

*******

I know I can be fit and healthy in a balanced way that inspires others and brings me joy.

But I often believe myself to be stuck in unhealthy cycles (which I'll dig into more during my next session with Emily).

Honestly, this is more of a pep talk for myself than anything else—but hopefully it encourages you, too.  This inner tension explains why I’ve felt so stuck.  I want forward progress, and I need to get very intentional about dedicated time with God and renewing my mind through His Word, realigning my heart identity with God's calling for me.

What we believe about ourselves MATTERS.
We cannot embrace change until our identity shifts.

I’m making slow and steady progress lately—and I pray it continues.

If any of this resonates with you, know you are not alone.  Every day presents a choice:  Our old patterns, or our future possibilities.

Choose your best future.
Keep going!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
~Romans 12:2

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Ballet Day!

Speaking of all the amazing kids I have the privilege to love, support, and influence, Miss Parker Elizabeth had a ballet recital with Destiny Dance yesterday.  As you might suspect, it was the very cutest!

❤❤❤

Side note:  I commented while we were at Braum's that I was impressed with how well Parker's lipstick stayed on all night.  Karli sent me the link, and I promptly ordered some on Amazon - yay! lol

What a tiny presh!!  Finding her spot on the tape then waving at her family from the stage. ❤

Karli and Melissa sat closer to the front, and I sat with Teresa and Chet Lee a few rows behind them (and Bill and Tate, who were further down).  It's always good to see Teresa, and it was fun to hear Chet's thoughts and commentary!

A short performance, but epic cuteness.

The joyful grand finale - so many cute costumes!  It was fun to watch all of their performances, honestly!

Pics with her fam and her grandparents afterwards!

Wilsons and Weatherfords - I adore them all!!  For the record, they very kindly invited me to be in this pic, and Melissa gave someone else her phone to take the photo of all of us, but I figured I'd take it too and let them have a full family pic, then get one with Parker after that.  Sadly, she was worn out and started crying right when I knelt down to take a photo. lol  Having said that, our afterparty pics at Braum's are possibly my favorite pics ever with her, so that was worth the wait! =)

I wish this had been a tradition during my CHA days - the Seniors decorating their assigned parking spots is super fun!

Parker enjoying her twist fro-yo cone (whilst avoiding eating any of the cone) and so overjoyed about running into a dance friend!

"Crazy selfie" with the whole Wilson fam!  I really went all out. lol

Tiffany posted this recently, and I saved it.  While my circumstances have not directly changed yet, I can feel resilience and grit and God-given hope rising back up in my spirit, and it's about freaking time!

Song of the Week = Come Jesus Come by CeCe Winans... really powerful lyrics, and her voice is always strong and comforting - Thanks to Chet for introducing me to this one yesterday!

Sample of the lyrics:

Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna break,

But I'm holding on to a hope that won't fade.

Come, Jesus, come.

We've been waiting so long

For the day You return to heal every hurt

And right every wrong.

We need you right now

Come and turn this around.

Deep down, I know this world isn't home.

Come, Jesus, come.

❤ ❤ ❤

On Finishing Strong

"Come let us rejoice in who He is...
Our lives are in His hands,
and He keeps our feet from stumbling."
~Psalm 66:9

As I head into this final week before my race, I can’t help but reflect on how this marathon journey mirrors the bigger road I've been on for over a decade...

I first considered running a full marathon back in 2009.  I signed up for the OKC race in 2011, but I didn’t train well and eventually backed out.  Got into the Nike Women’s Marathon in 2012, then talked myself right out of those crazy San Francisco hills!  Now, 13 years and five Half-Marathons later, I have finally done the work to train and prepare, and I have a strong desire and determination to finish this race!

Much like the marathon, living out my calling in counseling has been a long and winding road.  I started pursuing this dream back in 2012 with night classes at SNU, only to be rejected by multiple grad schools afterwards.  Around the same time, I was grieving the loss of a fractured friendship.  So I settled back into court reporting, a great career where I felt secure and tucked away—but I could never quite shake the sense of God’s call on my life.

In 2022, I took the leap and started graduate school.  Now, 13 years after stepping into my first counseling class, I'm preparing to step out of my cocoon of career safety and familiarity — to actually live out the calling God planted in my heart so long ago!  I think people tend to assume joy and excitement are my main emotions here... 

But it’s scary.  It’s vulnerable.  It’s slow.
A marathon, not a sprint.

I am moving from something comfortable where I am at the top of my field into something new where I’m at the bottom of the ladder -- still experimenting, exploring, "paying my dues," wrestling through my own insecurities to figure out where I fit and how God has uniquely gifted me.  I’ve learned a lot over the past three years, but there’s still so much I don’t know.  And the best way to learn is through hands-on practice, critique and constructive feedback, actively embracing change and choosing a growth mindset, repeatedly showing up and being seen!  That level of scrutiny feels very disorienting after 20 years in a cozy background observer role.

I have to remind myself often: I am not alone.  God is with me.  God is for me.

This candidacy job search has stretched me more than I expected. Since December, I’ve submitted over 15 applications and completed at least eight job interviews—with places like CREOKS Broken Arrow, CRS-Tulsa, FCS-Tulsa, Charlie Health (virtual), Red Rock OKC, and Moore Counseling Center.  (That doesn't include the work of applying and interviewing for the PhD program - it's been a lot).  Fear/the enemy keeps whispering: You don’t belong here.  You’re not enough.  This is all too hard.  You’ll never find your place.  I have seriously considered pursuing a Federal CR job for the stability and great salary.  But deep down, I know God didn’t bring me this far to quit now - I believe there are real lives I am called to impact, and I cannot give in to greed or cowardice or the craving for comfort.

I do recognize that I’m a prime target for spiritual warfare in this in-between season.  Thankfully, God keeps dropping little pearls of wisdom and encouragement just when I need them—through friends and family, podcasts and books, etc.  I recently heard John Eldredge talk about how we are needed here on earth — how each of us is called to uniquely reflect God’s love and light to those around us, how the character of Christ is being formed within us, and how we are "in training for reigning" as we move toward our future in Heaven.  I love that!

You know I love a good illustration, and I’ve been thinking about that final scene in The Patriot.  The soldiers are retreating in fear, divided and overwhelmed.  Then Mel Gibson runs through all the chaos, waving their flag and shouting, “No retreat—HOLD—hold the line!”  A repeated line from that movie is “stay the course.”  Even now, it encourages me to remember what I’m fighting for, why it matters, and not to give up when the path feels far harder, longer, and more costly than I'd expected.

As real change draws near, I have felt more overwhelmed and inadequate than excited.  But these are all normal emotions at this stage, and I want to build a life marked by courage and bold faith!  I want to try new things and find my best lane in counseling.  I want to finish what I’ve started, which means stepping fully into this new identity and leaving comfort and hiding behind.  I am determined and called to make a Kingdom impact with my life and my work.  And I'm confident that God will lead, guide, and provide for me as I keep moving forward!

Okay, speaking of long journeys and forward momentum, my adoption story is at another pivotal point.  This is my third year of working with Snowflakes.  After two surgeries that made me healthier for a potential pregnancy — and two difficult setbacks with the previous matches — Shay completed my final home study update over Easter weekend.  This week, I am restarting the matching process, working with OU Reproductive instead of Dallas IVF this time.  I feel hopeful and cautiously optimistic, ready and willing to make major shifts and sacrifices if God chooses to fulfill this desire!

(For the record, if this third attempt doesn’t work, I will let go of this specific path to motherhood.  Not releasing the desire entirely, but believing this particular doorway is closed.)  Still, I am planning, preparing, and praying that the third time’s a charm — for my embryo adoption journey and for finishing the marathon this weekend!

In my hopes for adoption, my career calling, my health journey, and this long-standing marathon dream, I have encountered surprise plot twists, detours, rejections, loss, fear, and long seasons of waiting.  However, my soul is anchored in Kingdom hope, and I am decidedly stronger than I used to be.  I like being someone who dreams big and lives with purpose, but I don’t want to be the girl who never finishes anything.  (And I don’t believe God wants that identity for me either.)  So I am resisting the enemy’s lies and breaking those old agreements.

We can do hard things, and it's worth the effort!  Whenever it happens, physically crossing the Finish Line will feel so symbolic and hopeful for me.  I’m praying and believing for 2025 to be a year of courage and victorious follow-through.  A year of finishing strong.  I am grateful to know I am not facing these challenges alone.  And I’m trusting our faithful God, who finishes every good thing He starts!!

"Since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the particular race God has set before us... Let God train you, for He is doing what any loving father does for His children... So take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs, and mark out a straight, smooth path for your feet so that those who follow you, though weak and lame, will not fall and hurt themselves but become strong." ~Hebrews 12:1-13

❤ ❤ ❤