Monday, July 14, 2025
Listening Library
Friday, February 7, 2025
Doorways, Part 2
There's a scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (my fav HP book) where Harry and his friends enter a circular room at the Ministry of Magic... they're surrounded by mysterious identical doors, and when they open and close one, the whole room spins, making it harder to remember which doors they've already tried. They're on a time crunch with a vague idea of where they want to go, but no idea which door will lead them there.
Yeah, my life feels like that right now.
If my doors were labeled, they might include: Traditional Adoption, IVF, Embryo Adoption, Dating/Marriage, Ph.D., Teach Now/Later, Tulsa Now/Later, Find a Small Group, Write a Book, Reach Goal Weight, Run a Marathon, Private Practice, School Therapist, Intake Therapist, My Own Business.
In the past two months, I have:
- Earned my Master’s degree - yay!
- Started marathon training (so far, so good!)
- Accepted then declined a school counselor job with a $72K salary
- Planned to move to Tulsa, submitted my resignation, then reversed both decisions
- Had tough but supportive conversations around all of it
- Searched extensively for full-time Counselor Candidate jobs with salary/benefits in OKC - surprisingly few options
- Jumped through countless hoops for background checks (with CREOKS, counseling board, doctoral program, adoption home study)
- Submitted my CCU doctoral program application
- Updated my resume and applied to 2 private practices & 4 nonprofit mental health agencies
- Interviewed and got turned down for a virtual intake therapist role (I was unsure about it anyway)
- Met with Dr. Evans (fertility specialist), learned my pregnancy odds (35%), and got an IVF cost sheet - woof!
- Asked a Florida law firm to present my adoption profile book to two expectant mothers
- Updated my embryo adoption profile book
- Considered updating my home study, but held off due to job uncertainty
- Explored candidacy supervisors and clarified what I want/don’t want
- Identified what’s been holding me back in my church search
- Updated my dating app profile, reframed my perspective, and messaged with men from OK, TX, and MO -- more initial interest than usual; zero actual dates yet (#Christianmalepassivityforthewin)
- Attended a free 3-day Tony Robbins webinar; signed up for a paid one in March
- Committed to a 21-day WW health reset (day 12 - scale is stubborn, but I’m staying the course and focusing on taking better care of myself)
- Passed the OLERE exam today -- barely, but still a win!
- Outlined a memoir book with a strong theme and 77 essay-chapter titles
- Caught up on court transcripts while covering extra shifts due to staff shortages
It’s been a whirlwind, but I'm navigating the chaos one door at a time, learning and adjusting as I go!
Tuesday, December 3, 2024
Morning Insight
❤ ❤ ❤
Monday, July 22, 2024
Unshakeable
"I have set the Lord continually before me.
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
~Psalm 16:8
Kristin and I caught the new Twisters movie last night, and I couldn't resist taking a selfie in the theater's wind tunnel setup. (I enjoyed the movie! The action was predictably intense, and I've been a fan of Glen Powell since Top Gun: Maverick!)
The lead characters are storm chasers, and there's a scene where they're discussing a traumatic loss she is struggling to move on from. He says, "You know, EF-1 or EF-5 -- it's not the size of the tornado or the speed that determines that. The power we ascribe to it is based on damage, and we only know the full extent of it after the fact. I'm really sorry for what happened, but how much more are you gonna let this thing take from you?"
This all resonated with me, as some old anxious-attachment patterns resurfaced recently. It happened fast, and it took time for me to understand what triggered it. Past wounds, shame, and fear all came swirling up with it, and feeling hypervigilant and guarded really drained my energy and focus. I want to get better at catching that early, and I'm going to talk with Emily about it. I know grief doesn't just evaporate, and the fear of losing people we love can be intense. The EF-5 tornadoes in the movie felt like such a good match for the emotional intensity I'd been feeling.
I'm very grateful to be in healthier relationships that feel more stable and supportive now -- to have solid friends who notice when something is wrong and care enough to make a genuine effort to understand, communicate, and reassure me. Even so, none of us can control death, and it was that fear that set things off for me this time. I won't get into that more here, but it was a difficult week on the emotional scale.
As usual, John Eldredge had a well-timed word about the strengthening presence of God... so I am reminding myself that no matter what life brings, God will be with me, and I will never be abandoned. I may not be articulating this well - I have lots of unfinished thoughts. I'm a work in progress, and that's okay. I am relational to the core, and I have truly exceptional friends and family, but my main source of security still cannot be rooted in their presence, and I needed the reminder this week. To hold the gifts of God with a very open hand, and to point my highest hope, faith, and love toward Him and the coming kingdom!
I have set the Lord continually before me.
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. ❤
Thursday, July 11, 2024
Thankful Thursday #196!
"When you obey Me, you are living in My love, just as I obey my Father and live in His love. I have told you this so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." ~John 15:10-11
Today, I thank God for...
3. Still hoping and praying for a child someday, and hanging this up with continued faith for that over five years later! ❤
4. Loving this paperback book cover (the hard cover I read a while back was different). "This is a book about getting back up." YESSSS!! Makes me wish I'd written it. lol But I will write my own book eventually, and that'll be pretty exciting to see in print, as well!
5. JaceMan's excitement about his newly purple hair and the "sick" photo collages I made for him! lol
6. I didn't mean for this post to be totally décor-centered, but I took these pics this weekend as I looked around and felt really grateful for my house and my cheery living room... so many little details about it that I love, and now that's officially true of EVERY room in my home!!
7. Supportive friends. ;-) My group texts with Chet & Sarah + JEM and Chet are both fun, and the multitude of gif reactions to my Crumbl text made me pretty happy!
Tuesday, July 9, 2024
Resistance vs. Resilience
Well, I'm back in the Peloton party (not that I ever completely left)!!
I've rejoined the Hardcore group with assigned daily strength classes, and today's Arms and Shoulders workout was with Logan Aldridge, an inspiring amputee with a strong spirit and good sense of humor. Toward the end of the class, he said something like, "I know this resistance is heavy, but your resilience is even stronger!"
And my very immediate thought was "Blog-worthy metaphor!!"
YES, the resistance I'm feeling both internally and externally is intense right now. The comfort zone vibes, the fear of all that could go wrong, the resistance to change, and the growing understanding that even with assistance, actively stepping into a new identity is still very difficult! BUT the healthy changes I'm making are aligned with my God-given purpose, vision, and goals... so my resilience is resurfacing, along with some much-needed grit! To quote T-Swift, "They count me out time and time again, but I come back stronger than a '90s trend!!" ;-)