Safety Nets and Wet Paint

Y’all know I love a good metaphor.  (I say “y’all” even though this blog is still private.  I know I’ll make it public again soon.)

Lately, two metaphors keep coming to mind.  The first is a trapeze artist who takes a brave leap but misses the catch and falls into a waiting safety net below.  To play that out fully, her timing was off, they miss the connection, and she’s suddenly free-falling, her carefully-planned routine unraveling.  She feels the weight of watching eyes and the pressure to land as gracefully as possible.  Sooner than expected, she hits the safety net and feels dizzy from the fall as the net bounces then steadies and holds firm.  She's a little shaken and embarrassed, but mostly relieved and grateful.  She is safe.  Supported.  Not where she expected to be, but she is okay.  That leap wasn’t right for her this time, and that’s okay.  She will gather her courage and try something new when she is ready...

Okay, shifting gears... way back in 2011, my favorite guys in all the world joined me and a couple girlfriends on a road trip to help Malori Riah paint her first home... this picture still brings me lots of joy!!

JEM was full of good quotes and entertaining stories that day, including the classic tale about how he accidentally painted himself into a corner while redoing his own garage floor, having to cross over a lot of wet paint to get out.  I’ve thought about that story a lot lately.  It’s part of why I shut down the blog for a bit.  Without meaning to, I felt like I had written myself into a corner, trapped by the sincere hopes and clearly-documented life plans made by a past version of me.  I’ve had to remind myself often that I am allowed to change course and dream new dreams!!

For years, I talked and wrote about becoming a single mom until it became hard to admit that I might want something different now.  In addition to all the roadblocks I encountered, my desire itself had begun to shift.  It’s not that I don’t ever want kids or don't believe I would be a good mom, but the “doing it alone” part began to feel more daunting and isolating than empowering and connecting.

Following Jeff's paint story all the way through was oddly helpful for me... because he isn’t still stuck in that corner today.  It was messy, and it required some repair and cleanup, but often the only way out is through!  Jeffrey was single at the time, and he didn't have to tell any of us about that.  No one would have known if he had not mentioned it, and the same is pretty true in my story right now.  A comforting thought on some level.  But truthfully, no lasting harm was done, and 14 years later, that entertaining story helped me see my own way out.  (Here's hoping my story can do the same for someone else someday.)

So here I am.  My plans have changed, I'm calming down from a dizzying fall, and I've landed in a very supportive safety net of kind friends and family and a very faithful God.  Over the past month, I have written a letter of closure to the placing parent, cancelled the Dallas surgery, worked with the adoption agency, ended my time at ITS, and transitioned all my counseling clients.  Wet paint everywhere, but it's going to be okay.  I'm going to be okay.  I am beginning to look forward, while reminding myself not to rush into anything.  To be still and breathe for a bit.  This part is messy and hard, but it's also freeing and right.

Life is moving quickly and my thoughts are still settling, but I wanted to write this out today.  If you feel trapped or pressured in any area of life, I hope this imagery encourages you!

Do the hard thing you KNOW is right.
God will strengthen the safety net.
The fall will not kill you.
❤ ❤ ❤

Listening Library

1.  The Silent Patient  by Alex Michaelides -- Well written, but not really the type of book I enjoy!  It's a thriller or crime fiction book - I tried it because Alicia and Katie highly recommended it and really loved the plot twist, so I wanted to know more.  It was interesting, but I get enough crime stories in court. lol

2.  LeaderShift: 11 Essential Changes Every Leader Must Embrace by John C. Maxwell - The first of his books that I've read.  Good, but a little formulaic.  I'm on a leadership kick, so it was helpful to think about the ways my thinking needs to shift to be an inspiring leader (soloist to conductor, team uniformity to team diversity, pleasing people to challenging people, etc.)!  It also added some good content for my Leadership Philosophy paper, so yay for that!

3.  Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament by Mark Vroegop - (Recommended by Alicia when she heard I was interested in grief counseling).  This explains lament from a Biblical perspective - the author is a dad grieving the loss of his child, and he writes about how the book of Lamentations offers a blueprint for venting frustrations and expressing hard emotions while keeping our hearts turned toward God.  Heavy, but good and aligned with my heart for helping people move forward with grief.  

4.  The Coffee Bean: A Simple Lesson to Create Positive Change by Damon West and Jon Gordon - Very short and not worth the money for the audiobook, honestly - it would've been 100x better if Damon had told more of his own story rather than stopping with the short metaphor.  He was on the Jefferson Fisher podcast (video HERE)... Damon had served time in prison, and he shared the advice another man gave him just before going in: Think of prison as a pot of boiling water... and you can be like a carrot that is weakened and softened by that environment.  You can be like an egg that becomes hard inside... Or you can be like the coffee bean that gradually changes the water surrounding it.  Y'all know I love metaphors, and this one works in all of life - wherever we may find ourselves, it's important to remember we have the power to color and change our environment rather than allowing it to weaken or harden us. ❤

5.  The 5 Second Rule by my friend, Mel Robbins - Mel is the queen of audiobooks!  She reads them in such a natural, conversational way that it's much more like listening to her podcast (which I also enjoy).  She's also the queen of expounding on a simple concept and giving you loads of practical examples and stories to help it stick.  The concept here is giving yourself a 5-4-3-2-1, GO!! countdown for any task you do not want to do - pushing forward and interrupting the part of your brain that overthinks things and talks you out of it.  Sounds simple, but it's effective, and it's revolutionizing my morning routine at the moment (no more snooze button). =)

6.  Visioneering: God's Blueprint for Developing and Maintaining Vision by Andy Stanley - So good - my favorite of the three books on this list recommended by Alicia! =)  Andy writes eloquently about vision-casting, leadership, and the inimitable value of moral authority!!  He goes through the story of Nehemiah as he led the rebuilding of the temple - "I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down."  My favorite part was definitely the section on moral authority, also known as the anointing of God on those who have a clear conscience before Him.  Andy said, "On the path to any big dream, you will be tempted to compromise.  We have to be willing to let go of our vision or dream before we would compromise our moral authority."  Embracing that concept has already cost me several hours of extra work, and paid off in higher self-respect, a deeper connection with God, and greater confidence in my creative writing and academic research abilities!!

Okay then, Happy Monday!  I love you and believe in you,

and I'm confident God will finish the good things He has begun in us and for us and through us!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Doorways, Part 2

There's a scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (my fav HP book) where Harry and his friends enter a circular room at the Ministry of Magic... they're surrounded by mysterious identical doors, and when they open and close one, the whole room spins, making it harder to remember which doors they've already tried.  They're on a time crunch with a vague idea of where they want to go, but no idea which door will lead them there.

Yeah, my life feels like that right now.

If my doors were labeled, they might include: Traditional Adoption, IVF, Embryo Adoption, Dating/Marriage, Ph.D., Teach Now/Later, Tulsa Now/Later, Find a Small Group, Write a Book, Reach Goal Weight, Run a Marathon, Private Practice, School Therapist, Intake Therapist, My Own Business.

In the past two months, I have:

• Earned my Master’s degree - yay!
• Started marathon training (so far, so good!)
• Accepted then declined a school counselor job with a $72K salary
• Planned to move to Tulsa, submitted my resignation, then reversed both decisions
• Had tough but supportive conversations around all of it
• Searched extensively for full-time Counselor Candidate jobs with salary/benefits in OKC - surprisingly few options
• Jumped through countless hoops for background checks (with CREOKS, counseling board, doctoral program, adoption home study)
• Submitted my CCU doctoral program application
• Updated my resume and applied to 2 private practices & 4 nonprofit mental health agencies
• Interviewed and got turned down for a virtual intake therapist role (I was unsure about it anyway)
• Met with Dr. Evans (fertility specialist), learned my pregnancy odds (35%), and got an IVF cost sheet - woof!
• Asked a Florida law firm to present my adoption profile book to two expectant mothers
• Updated my embryo adoption profile book
• Considered updating my home study, but held off due to job uncertainty
• Explored candidacy supervisors and clarified what I want/don’t want
• Identified what’s been holding me back in my church search
• Updated my dating app profile, reframed my perspective, and messaged with men from OK, TX, and MO -- more initial interest than usual; zero actual dates yet (#Christianmalepassivityforthewin)
• Attended a free 3-day Tony Robbins webinar; signed up for a paid one in March
• Committed to a 21-day WW health reset (day 12 - scale is stubborn, but I’m staying the course and focusing on taking better care of myself)
• Passed the OLERE exam today -- barely, but still a win!
• Outlined a memoir book with a strong theme and 77 essay-chapter titles
• Caught up on court transcripts while covering extra shifts due to staff shortages

It’s been a whirlwind, but I'm navigating the chaos one door at a time, learning and adjusting as I go!

Doing my best, Jay Shetty.  But I have felt stretched thin... like I'm trying to singlehandedly hold all  of these important doors to my goals open, wondering which one might be most valuable, not wanting to turn my back or close the door on anything that might be central to my purpose.

While thinking about that the other day, this meme popped up on FB:

It was a good and well-timed reminder that it's NOT all on me.  God has given me agency and free will to make decisions, but He also has a path marked out for me and will give me wisdom that will help me to walk in it.  My life will become fruitful and stay on the right course AS I SEEK HIM and ABIDE IN HIM.

God is not the author of fear.

I can walk in His power and love with a clear, sound mind.

Thinking about all of this also led me to re-read my original "Doorways" post (HERE) from 2022 - every word of that post is still encouraging for me today!  (It was written while waiting to take the pregnancy test after IUI #4 before I shared that journey on the blog HERE.)

So today, I am taking a breath and recharching, celebrating the progress I've made and the goals I've already achieved - huzzah!

And I'm leaning into prayer and time with God and sincerely seeking His wisdom.  Reminding myself:  I am not in this alone.  My overarching purpose is to love God wholeheartedly and love others well.  The details of day-to-day purpose and meaning will change and evolve throughout my life, but living with love for God and others will always be central!  And I can accomplish nothing of lasting value apart from Him!! ❤

That about sums it up.  Happy Friday, friends!!  In lighter news, the pic below = my new Simple Modern cup from Tracy Schumacher's firm - so much cuteness - an unexpected fun gift they brought for all the CRs and bailiffs today!  (And my raspberry creatine water and Marla's OLERE study notebook she let me borrow - super helpful!)

May we move forward without fear, trusting God's care and His ability to open the right doors and close the wrong ones in our lives.  Hope you all have a fabulous weekend ahead!

❤ ❤ ❤

Morning Insight

I woke up early to work out this morning, then opted for a 30-minute neighborhood walk instead of the Peloton strength classes I had stacked.  Literally waltzed outside in my t-shirt and capris having no clue it was below freezing, then quickly ran back in to grab a hoodie! lol #notetoself #Decemberhasarrived

Over the course of those 30 minutes, I had an epiphany of sorts, a healthy mindset shift... Robin Arzon always says, "Self-pity is poison, but movement is medicine!" and it's true.

For me, one of the greatest things about living in a new construction neighborhood is consistently watching the process of growth and building - seeing the Sold signs, the foundations being laid, the framing going up quickly, the walls and bricks and landscaping, and the contractors hard at work.  I'm a metaphorical thinker, and it does good things for my soul to dwell on that (and to eventually see the big red bow on the front door as people finally move into the new home they've designed).

The timelines we proclaim and set for ourselves may not be God's best or align with His plan for our lives. I have wrestled with self-doubt lately and been way too in my head about feeling "behind" in life.

There is beauty in the messy process of building something new. The mess and the waiting are undeniably hard.  For all of us, it's frustrating when things don't move as quickly or smoothly as we pictured and hoped.  But some days, you will be stunned by how much progress has been achieved.  Little by little, beautiful things are being built (and painted and decorated and furnished).  Seeing homes in various stages of construction is such a good visual reminder for me that IT'S OKAY that my life doesn't look like the lives of certain friends or family members.  It's okay to be in a different season or an earlier stage.  It's okay if what I'm building is smaller in scale or not the shape and colors others expected.  It's okay that things feel messy and hard and vulnerable when you make a fresh start or build something new.  It's really good to take your time choosing the best spot to lay the foundation, making sure you are building on Rock rather than sand.  Building and remodeling often cost more than expected and take tremendous effort and patience... but God works with us, using the raw materials from our background, work life, relationships, education, and daily small decisions to build something new and beautiful with our lives.

I'm grateful for the reminder that comparing my stem-wall foundation phase to someone else's fully-furnished home is silly and unfair.  That perspective helps me view people who are seemingly further along with sincere admiration, feeling hope and motivation rather than gnawing envy or self-doubt.  I WILL GET THERE when the time is right - and it's okay that it doesn't happen all at once.  The life I am building matters, and it's okay that it looks different than what others have built!  God loves variety, and honestly, so do I.  So whatever stage of life you find yourself in today, remember that God is working with you in it.  And His plan for you is unique, and we are all works in progress!!

Also remember that movement is medicine whenever you're feeling down! =)  This = my four-park Disney day step count and my Half-Marathon day step count... I'm planning on several more days like this moving forward!

Today has been good - a really healthy perspective shift.  I learned about and applied for another job opening - so maybe third time will be a charm - or maybe I will branch into starting my own business sooner than I'd planned.  Either way, I will be okay.  God's grace is enough day by day, and He has me covered!

Me after this morning's invigorating & crazy-cold walk. lol  Acknowledge the contrast!

Okay, thanks for being here.  Byeeee, friends!
❤ ❤ ❤

Unshakeable

"I have set the Lord continually before me.
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
~Psalm 16:8

Kristin and I caught the new Twisters movie last night, and I couldn't resist taking a selfie in the theater's wind tunnel setup.  (I enjoyed the movie!  The action was predictably intense, and I've been a fan of Glen Powell since Top Gun: Maverick!)

The lead characters are storm chasers, and there's a scene where they're discussing a traumatic loss she is struggling to move on from.  He says, "You know, EF-1 or EF-5 -- it's not the size of the tornado or the speed that determines that.  The power we ascribe to it is based on damage, and we only know the full extent of it after the fact.  I'm really sorry for what happened, but how much more are you gonna let this thing take from you?"

This all resonated with me, as some old anxious-attachment patterns resurfaced recently.  It happened fast, and it took time for me to understand what triggered it.  Past wounds, shame, and fear all came swirling up with it, and feeling hypervigilant and guarded really drained my energy and focus.  I want to get better at catching that early, and I'm going to talk with Emily about it.  I know grief doesn't just evaporate, and the fear of losing people we love can be intense.  The EF-5 tornadoes in the movie felt like such a good match for the emotional intensity I'd been feeling.

I'm very grateful to be in healthier relationships that feel more stable and supportive now -- to have solid friends who notice when something is wrong and care enough to make a genuine effort to understand, communicate, and reassure me.  Even so, none of us can control death, and it was that fear that set things off for me this time.  I won't get into that more here, but it was a difficult week on the emotional scale.

As usual, John Eldredge had a well-timed word about the strengthening presence of God... so I am reminding myself that no matter what life brings, God will be with me, and I will never be abandoned.  I may not be articulating this well - I have lots of unfinished thoughts.  I'm a work in progress, and that's okay.  I am relational to the core, and I have truly exceptional friends and family, but my main source of security still cannot be rooted in their presence, and I needed the reminder this week.  To hold the gifts of God with a very open hand, and to point my highest hope, faith, and love toward Him and the coming kingdom!

I have set the Lord continually before me.
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. ❤

Thankful Thursday #196!

"When you obey Me, you are living in My love, just as I obey my Father and live in His love.  I have told you this so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."  ~John 15:10-11

Today, I thank God for...

1.  My new writing room!!  Potentially a future nursery room, but I'm so glad it feels brighter and less messy and unfinished now.  I've ordered a cute office chair, but outside of that and the desk, we were able to use furniture and wall decor I already had, so yay!  

...Annie F. Downs has a library/writing room at her house that was once a nursery room for the people who lived there before her, and she said, "In this season of my life, I'm carrying and birthing books instead of babies," and I felt that.  On a related note, Christine Caine's latest podcast has me thinking about how conception follows intimacy... I want a deeply intimate walk with God that allows His dreams and character and the story He wants to tell through my life to take root and be alive and grow inside me, eventually sharing it with others in book form (probably a 2025 project, written from my raspberry-pink writing desk)! ❤

2.  Mom, who spent 11 hours with me yesterday working on decluttering, building the desk, moving furniture, and changing up the wall décor!

3.  Still hoping and praying for a child someday, and hanging this up with continued faith for that over five years later! ❤

4.  Loving this paperback book cover (the hard cover I read a while back was different).  "This is a book about getting back up."  YESSSS!!  Makes me wish I'd written it. lol  But I will write my own book eventually, and that'll be pretty exciting to see in print, as well!

5.  JaceMan's excitement about his newly purple hair and the "sick" photo collages I made for him! lol

6.  I didn't mean for this post to be totally décor-centered, but I took these pics this weekend as I looked around and felt really grateful for my house and my cheery living room... so many little details about it that I love, and now that's officially true of EVERY room in my home!!

7.  Supportive friends. ;-)  My group texts with Chet & Sarah + JEM and Chet are both fun, and the multitude of gif reactions to my Crumbl text made me pretty happy!

8.  Sarah Elizabeth, who has a birthday tomorrow - yay!  Fun fact: All of my current and former besties have summer birthdays, JMM being the only one not falling in the specific month of July!

9.  In scrolling through old pictures, I came across this meme I'd saved in March then never posted (to my memory).  I may have been thinking about gross bugs and lovely perennial flowers, but the metaphor hit me immediately today.  I feel like the past couple years have been a Spring season in my personal life with lots of messy new growth and vibrant color.  I'm grateful that God has the power and cares enough to resurrect certain hopes and dreams we have buried... for the ways He reawakens our spirit in areas where we have been on autopilot or felt a lack of purpose for years.  And I'm grateful for the hope that other dreams may simply be asleep or on pause, awaiting His best timing.

10.  As I walk the mini-hills in my neighborhood, I've gotten in the habit of reassuring myself: "All hills end - just keep going!"  And in so many ways, that's a metaphor for life... which I've thought about far more than I think about the actual tangible reality.  We conquer hard things one step at a time, and eventually, we get back to a lighter and easier flat road, until we inevitably run into the next hill.  Our choices are to quit or keep moving forward, so we go on, and we realize along the way that we're stronger than we once imagined.  The resistance may be intense, but our resilience is stronger.  You can expect loads of metaphorical gems like this whilst I train over the next 10 months! lol

"All hills end - just keep going!"

❤❤❤

Resistance vs. Resilience

Well, I'm back in the Peloton party (not that I ever completely left)!!

And I've found a new favorite coach in Kirsten Ferguson -- it's probably early to say that definitively, but she's in my top three for sure.  Very encouraging and inspiring messages, and she plays several powerful Christian songs - I'm a fan!

I've rejoined the Hardcore group with assigned daily strength classes, and today's Arms and Shoulders workout was with Logan Aldridge, an inspiring amputee with a strong spirit and good sense of humor.  Toward the end of the class, he said something like, "I know this resistance is heavy, but your resilience is even stronger!"  

And my very immediate thought was "Blog-worthy metaphor!!"

YES, the resistance I'm feeling both internally and externally is intense right now.  The comfort zone vibes, the fear of all that could go wrong, the resistance to change, and the growing understanding that even with assistance, actively stepping into a new identity is still very difficult!  BUT the healthy changes I'm making are aligned with my God-given purpose, vision, and goals... so my resilience is resurfacing, along with some much-needed grit!  To quote T-Swift, "They count me out time and time again, but I come back stronger than a '90s trend!!"  ;-)

That's all I've got for today.  I hope this encourages others in whatever way you may need it right now.  Quiet the overwhelm by focusing on one day at a time, one task at a time, and remembering why it matters.  Go in knowing that the resistance you face will be heavy, but your resilience is even stronger!  (1 John 4:4) ❤