Directional Assistance

To the point of being comical, I have always been directionally challenged.  When others are noticing helpful road signs and landmarks, I'm zoned in on my music and podcasts.  When there's a 50/50 shot on choosing which way I should turn, I get it wrong about 80% of the time. lol  Thank God for navigation - I need my destination plugged in so it can direct me step by step!

Metaphorically speaking, even though I (finally) know the desired "destination" includes leadership, writing books, speaking at conferences, teaching at CCU, and supervising counselors, I do not remotely claim to know the best pathway for getting myself there.  I need God's step-by-step guidance to stay on the course He has mapped out for me without falling into a ditch or taking the longest route possible!  It's a comforting thought to me that He already knows how this ends and has charted the best course forward.

Walking with Jesus on the left; trying to change in my own strength on the right.
For my path to becoming an LPC, Colorado on the left; Oklahoma on the right.
For Mom's path to healing, Integris on the left; OU Hospital on the right.
Access matters, and good leaders design systems to simplify that process!

It's been a humbling reminder for me to consider why God usually reveals things turn by turn rather than handing us our whole life-course map.  He. wants. us. to. stay. close.

Sometimes I've complained about how "I want the detailed map, but God gives me a compass."  But I'm realizing that metaphor doesn't represent His heart well.  What He gives me is the Holy Spirit, a personal guide and supportive friend who knows all my needs, has an exact plan for the best course, and walks beside me throughout life.  It's not ethereal, and He is not aloof or indifferent about where I end up.  God's desire is for us to enjoy the journey with Him ("fullness of joy in His presence") as He "makes known to us the path of life" (Psalm 16:11).  He just wants us to tune in, consistently seek Him, and stay close - and our lives are designed accordingly.

It's the best feeling to vacation with someone who plans well and has already navigated the best course, made reservations, and prepared a schedule for the day.  We have that in the Holy Spirit - we can rest in His guidance.  Who needs a detailed map when the friend you're walking with designed the whole course?  I want to keep that in mind moving forward, staying very close and listening for His voice!

"Apart from Me, you can do nothing!" (-Jesus, John 15:5)

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it." (Psalm 127:1)
"May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing." (Psalm 143:10)

* * * * * * *

These Bible recap prayers are my sincere prayers for the remainder of the PhD program and my LPC hours - to grow and learn with the right heart and motives - so hearing and praying through them daily feels really helpful - a kind little gift from God!

I had my final Momentum interview with Mr. Faure yesterday afternoon - very grateful that we had a good connection, and thankful God opened this new door!!  Part 1 was a Zoom interview with Chloe; Part 2 was a recorded AI-counseling simulation; and Part 3 was that interview with the company founder... all a little nerve-wracking, but such good experience!  I slightly over-prepared, but it made me feel so much better and more confident than I have in prior job interviews.  (*Side note, but I am thankful for the ways Brene Brown and Adam Grant have made me less afraid to TRY - they emphasize the value of being well-prepared and working with excellence, and their intellectual brilliance combined with genuine friendship is unique and inspiring).  I am embracing that growth mindset of preparing well and putting in my sincere best effort to learn and seek out new information when I feel stuck or overwhelmed, and to be wholehearted as I move forward in the counseling profession!  I'm back in it now - let's do this!!

Seven books that have shaped me:

Yay for catching up with Kristin last week!  I don't think I ever posted this, but here it is.  Their logo was cute, so it merited this rare upward-angle pose. lol


Michael being Michael and making me laugh!

FB presenting me with rrrrandom ads that also make me laugh!  They seem to know I will always pause scrolling for cute Pom puppies. lolol

Yes, David!!  "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."  And provide directional assistance throughout the journey!  ;-)

Praying God blesses the CCU campus, faculty, and students... and that I get to join them as a professor someday.   Already thinking about what my first Residency talk might look like and what a JOY that would be for me! lol ❤

Miss K and her teammates in their final tournament at CCS on Monday!

The red leg-sleeve makes her easy to spot - I love that she is unafraid to shine and stand out - that will serve her so well moving forward!

Yay, Mini Miss K!  And yay that the Counselor hoodie and identity are making a comeback! ❤

Still worthy, just for the record. lol
I love so many things about this movie - what a treat to see it on the big screen again!!

Learned a new word from the Situated book that may become my "Word for 2027"...
It's pronounced purse-pick-acity, and it's a God-given leadership trait where Chettles (aka Channels) definitely shines, and something I would love to grow in!

Miss Katherine Claire protecting the butterfly that befriended her ❤

And Miss Parker Elizabeth being proud of her Fruit of the Spirit award for Love - preshface!! ❤  Kids being  joyful and proud of themselves is truly one of my favorite things!!

And for the record, I also love seeing adults celebrating their accomplishments - yay, Alicia!  Yes to celebrating good things every time we get the chance!!

September is officially coming to a close tonight.  Wild.
Lots of change on the horizon, but the Holy Spirit will be walking with me in every step, telling me when to rest, where to turn, and when to push forward.  I'm listening!

Praying for a fruitful month of October ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Rebuilding What Was Destroyed

One thing that stuck with me from the 9/11 Memorial Museum tour last January was seeing and touching this massive steel column that had buckled and folded over itself when the South Tower collapsed.

It stood out as the only artifact in the museum we were encouraged to touch - our guide even told us to work together to try to lift it.  Feeling the literal weight of that multi-ton piece of steel (that landed amid 360 million pounds of rubble) made me step back with renewed awe at the level of destruction.  The full magnitude of the Ground Zero clean-up work felt heavier and more real.

* * * * * * *

A recent podcast I heard brought that experience back to mind.  The host was emotional describing a time when her public reputation was unjustly maligned, when everything she had spent years building seemed to collapse at once.  The idea of rebuilding felt HEAVY and required a lot of support.

I could relate thinking about my journey within the counseling profession and all that happened last fall...

From February 2012 when I started night school classes at SNU to October 2025 when I pressed pause and felt like giving up, internally and externally, I had been BUILDING toward a counseling career path - a goal I had set with the belief that it had lasting Kingdom value.  Brick by brick, pursuing counseling has required tremendous personal courage and growth from me:  the applications, interviews, residency trips, presentations, papers, role plays, hundreds of practicum and internship hours, counseling children and adults, facilitating grief and divorce groups, challenging feedback, research, confusing rejections, wrestling with ethical questions, strong mentors and friendships, questions of identity and calling, repeatedly pressing through self-doubt, and consistently seeking God's direction!  (And what a gift every bit of that has been, looking back.  I love the grit and confidence it has gradually instilled in me!)

Still, watching my adoption plans/dreams crumble to the ground last fall took a serious toll on my identity, hope, determination, and faith.  Some negative feedback from a misaligned supervisor in that season added fuel to the fire, and it became surprisingly easy to believe I had misheard God about the adoption and the counseling dreams.  It all seemed too hard and heavy, and I opted to quietly fade back and let the LPC dream go.  But God never let go of me.

"Did God's people stumble and fall beyond recovery?   Of course not!  ...For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable [for He does not withdraw what He has given, nor does He change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call]."  ~Romans 11:11-29

*Adding that one to my board of empowerment ASAP.*
After passing the National Counselor Exam and navigating the painfully-difficult process of becoming an LPC-Candidate in Oklahoma, the 104 clinical hours I earned last fall have now officially expired.  So I am starting from ground zero in that area.  When you spend years building something meaningful, watching it collapse can feel like a personal failure.  Standing among the wreckage of something you poured your heart, energy, money, prayers, and effort into can make walking away seem more appealing than rebuilding.

BUT what if I am supposed to acknowledge the brokenness and devastation around me as the work of the enemy, learn from it, and intentionally CHOOSE to start over and rebuild with God?  What if part of leadership is having the courage and audacious faith to rebuild what the enemy worked so hard to crush and destroy?

The challenges I've experienced here have been humbling, sobering, and educational.  My accumulated hours will no longer count toward becoming an LPC, but there was real value there (for my growth and hopefully for the clients I served), and I'm building from a stronger foundation of wisdom and experience now.

It also brings me great JOY and comfort to realize that the Bible passage I chose for my vision board and my grad school announcement in 2022 -- the very same one I posted on this blog a full decade earlier (the week I started classes at SNU Tulsa) -- concludes with this poignant verse about rebuilding:

"They will REBUILD the ancient ruins.  They will RESTORE the places destroyed long ago.  They will RENEW the ruined cities..."  ~Isaiah 61:4

God is bringing so many pieces together in my mind and heart lately.  I was always called to rebuild - I just didn't think it would start with my own God-given dreams and identity.  (But honestly, why would it start anywhere else?  God establishes things internally before He increases our Kingdom impact.)

Exciting News:  This afternoon, following a 3-step interview process, I signed the offer letter and was hired as a Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate for Momentum Counseling & Consulting, a growing firm based in Colorado and recommended by a trusted mentor.  I'm genuinely excited and grateful... and a bit reflective as I anticipate the changing of seasons and all that it may encompass.  Breathe - one step at a time.  I feel a good nervous energy, like I'm standing at the start line of a marathon, gearing up for a challenging course ahead, knowing there will be hard hills and meaningful support and unexpected turns, and trusting that the finish line will be worth the effort!  I am determined to represent Christ with wisdom, grace, renewed JOY, and endurance.

The word "rebuilding" usually sounds hopeful to me, and for good reason.  There is beauty in casting a new vision, but there is heaviness and pain behind it, as well.  It means there was real devastation - something you built with great care that was crushed, and now you have to reassess and do the work a second time.

Someday soon, I will undoubtedly have clients and future grad students who are rebuilding parts of their lives... sifting through the wreckage of dreams, plans, and/or relationships that were shattered.  And this experience will inform and strengthen my response.  I am growing in my firsthand understanding and ability to slow it all down and sit. with. people. in the midst of devastating grief, honoring their emotions and valuing the full magnitude of what they've lost.  And when the timing is appropriate, I believe God will empower me to speak words that help strengthen them with renewed hope as He provides the courage needed to rebuild.

Going back to the top of this post, after touring the 9/11 Memorial Museum, we went to see the view from the top of the Freedom Tower.  You can feel it when you step into it - that building tells a new story of hope, one that is powerful and redemptive and special.  Beauty for ashes, you might say.  Obviously, the entire story matters, and it mirrors the larger Kingdom narrative.  I believe that will be true in my life, as well - our losses matter, and what we build moving forward with God's help matters.  What a gift that God loves to write redemptive stories!

I'm reminding myself that Kingdom work is opposed, and rebuilding was never intended to be easy.  This work requires great effort and heart, and God understands that.  I am starting with a sparkly clean slate in a new state system where I can build my caseload and counseling skills while building a trusted reputation for Godly wisdom, excellence, and integrity! #goals  My capacity may be limited, but I will have a team of solid supervisors for support, and I can lean on Jesus and continually invite God's help and guidance!!

❤

Important Perspective:  In spite of losing my accumulated hours, I'm so thankful I took the past year "off" from counseling and schoolwork.  There was needed healing and growth, and I'm in a much better place to move forward now!  When you are wounded and surrounded by the wreckage of a broken dream, have grace for yourself.  It is 100% okay to pause and grieve over what has collapsed.  Acknowledge all that you invested, then take inventory of what was ruined and what remains.  Most importantly, DRAW NEAR TO GOD, and He will draw near to you (James 4:8).  He will guard you with fiercely protective strength, gently bind and care for your wounds as you heal, then give you a fresh perspective and renewed strength for moving forward.  He is with you in your lowest moments; He has not forgotten you.

God rewards those who sincerely seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).

He shows up when we seek Him wholeheartedly (Jeremiah 29:13).

Promises, not exaggerations.

If you are in Christ, the rubble does not get the last word in your story!

Jesus is still writing new chapters.

The one true God is FOR YOU, infusing you with His power, His love, and sound wisdom that overcomes lies, fear, and timidity.  All is not lost.  Some doors may be closed, but stay alert for the new doors God is opening before you.  His hope is still the secure anchor for your soul, and He has not withdrawn His gifts or changed His mind about calling you!!  When the time comes to rebuild, press forward in faith, trusting God to redeem E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G the enemy intended for your destruction.

"Those who look to Him for help will be RADIANT WITH JOY, and no shadow of shame will darken their faces."  ~Psalm 34:5

Go in the strength you have, and do the work!
Build something new and stronger with God, one obedient step at a time.

The best is yet to come! ❤

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is WITH YOU.  He will not fail you nor abandon you [but will GUIDE YOU in the construction] until you have finished all the work..."  ~1 Chronicles 28:20 

 ❤ ❤ ❤

The Wind and the Waves

My Lake Hefner walk yesterday was good for the soul.  It was a really windy day, which made the lake nice and wavy, and all of that made me feel more alive and in tune with nature. lol

Not gonna lie - this makes me wanna go back!

Flix Brewhouse was showing Twister for its 30th anniversary.  I've seen the sequel multiple times... yay, Glen Thomas Powell!!

...but I had never seen the original!  I always prefer to see things on the big screen for the first time if possible, so this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up!  I even got a fun commemorative cup for attending. lol  My guess is I was the only person in there who wasn't already a fan!

They had the 1984 Jeep truck from the 1996 movie (according to Twister Truck on Facebook), so I got a pic with that too - JEM is a big fan, so it was fun texting with him and Chet about this!

*Side note:  I have no eyeliner because my eyes are still recovering from allergy issues after the puppy class.  They need to calm down ASAP so I can look more awake! lol

I enjoyed the movie and hearing Shania in the soundtrack -- I told JEM and Chet I totally understood the therapist girlfriend who said she thought chasing tornadoes "was a metaphor!" lol

Throwback to me writing a metaphorical post (here) right after seeing the sequel in 2024! lol

Mess Grace!

In other news, we befriended a potentially-injured or vision-impaired butterfly tonight!!

Then K-Faith and Rach practiced volleyball while Jace practiced his dunking skills with the goal set at 9 feet!

"Intention Setting" Peloton walk at the Station after my final Solid Rock strength workout this morning with Coach Lexi!  I was in a rough place at the New Year, so I'm treating this halftime thing with New-Year's-Eve-level reset vibes!!

I had an awe-inspired, calming "Be still and know that He is God" moment at the wavy lake yesterday.

"What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the waves obey Him!?" ~Mark 4:41

Trusting in God's power and protection.  Okay, this is my third and final post for today.  I wish you all a lovely second half of 2026 starting tomorrow!!

This = my Write the Word page for today, and it feels like a kind reminder from God!

After writing about being in a wilderness season, this feels encouraging and affirming.

Here's to moving forward and paying attention to the new things God is doing!

❤ ❤ ❤

On Claustrophobia & Anxious Attachment

Back in 2011, my parents had a catastrophic car wreck.

On a lonely highway in the middle of the Nevada desert, the truck in front of them swerved quickly to avoid hitting a stalled van, then Dad was unable to swerve fast enough to miss it.  Their 80mph wreck hit the passenger side hardest, and Mom was medi-flighted back to the Vegas hospital for several days with internal bleeding, a gash on her forehead, and a knee injury that required multiple debridement procedures.

Rachael and I had flown home, and we were very concerned and anxious to have them back with us... then Mom's hospital stay was extended due to internal bleeding.  I was looking at flights back to Vegas, but she was released to come home the next day.  They made special accommodations for her flight and someone brought her out in a wheelchair.  Rach drove the Mustang to pick her up, as it was a lower car that would be easier for Mom to get into with her bruised-up knee.

It's a 2-door car with a verrrry small backseat, and on our way to the airport, I was obviously up front.  Rach was driving... we moved the passenger seat forward for me to get into the tiny back seat... then they spent a few minutes getting Mom all seated and situated.  

......

Never in my life have I felt as irrationally panicked as I did that entire drive home.  It hit me as they were putting mom in and getting her all settled that she was injured and fragile and could not possibly get out quickly if there was any need to do so, and I was in trapped in the small seat behind her with no car door I could open and no other way to climb out.  My parents had just had a horrific wreck, so that was in my mind.  Rach was also a little nervous and on edge about driving that car as safely as possible, Mom was nervous and still in pain, and I was taking deep breaths, trying to close my eyes and stay quiet, and internally berating myself for not being able to focus more clearly on Mom and what she needed in that moment.  It was claustrophobia like I have never experienced before or since, and it didn't get much better until I was out of the car.

.......

Rach and I had a memorable conversation on that topic last night.

She had a similar experience on a ride at Frontier City.  She initially got on it to help Kyndal feel brave enough to try it, then when she tried to bend down to pick something up, the shoulder-bar caught her and held her very still, and the feeling of being unable to move washed over her with an irrational panic.  So much so that they let her (and Kyndal Faith) off the ride before it started.  She has done rides like that several times before, and it wasn't the crazy loops or anything about the ride itself that caused the fear, but the sensation of being trapped...

And I told her I absolutely knew the feeling she was talking about.  I had only experienced it once, but it was pretty memorable for me, too.  Just a sense of panic and feeling out-of-control that you know is irrational, but you cannot easily calm down.  

This = Nate Bargatze discussing a very similar experience (and just after this, he tells a story about being in the back of a car and making everyone get out). lol

I'm thankful that for myself and Rachael (and Nate), this is a rare and sporadic experience.  But it does give me some context to explain the way I feel sometimes as a person with anxious attachment.  I have become more secure through the years, but the roots of rejection are powerful, and there are times when something minor can set off what part of me knows to be an irrational sense of panic that a relationship is ending, that all is not well, that I need to do damage control.  Then I'll try to calm myself down and step back and give the other person space, but I rarely last more than 48 hours before a real internal spiral hits.

I've seen a lot of both sides on this.... and metaphorically, bringing up any emotions with a dismissive avoidant (someone with an insecure attachment style that rages and pushes hard away from anyone trying to move closer to them or ask for vulnerability) feels like starting up the ride when you're already in full panic mode.  There is just zero ability to think straight for a while.  Whereas talking to someone who is securely attached and caring feels like the bar that was "trapping you" in this irrational panic/anxiety being lifted, and you can breathe normally and see clearly again.  (You still feel a little awkward and embarrassed that you couldn't freaking calm down enough to not need that reassurance, but gracious, it's a thousand times better when you can have one healthy conversation and everything just feels back on track.  That is never the case with the anxious/avoidant pairing - never.)

I'm deeply thankful for personal growth!!  And I am thankful for friends who are secure enough to navigate the occasional bouts of irrational-relational-anxiety that pop up for me in a way that's kind and rational and caring without tangible resentment and irritation, which multiplies the inner panic 100-fold.  When you're in an unhealthy place, that anxiety becomes familiar, and you can mistake the intensity of that dynamic for a really strong connection, but healthy connections don't keep your nervous system constantly on edge and frayed.  I know what to look for now, and I will not put myself through that dynamic in any relationship ever again.  I will seek peace and pursue it, hard conversations included.

So that's my fun educational metaphor for today.  There are good therapeutic tools available, but sometimes (with legit claustrophobia or relational anxiety), we genuinely need prayer and healthy relationships to help calm the fear and restore our God-given power, love, and sound mind.

No one can do everything on their own, and that is okay.

The end.

❤ ❤ ❤

P.S.  Happy Global Running Day!

Metaphors and Masterpieces

Day 11:  If your life were a metaphor (e.g., a race, a garden, a song, a book),
what would it be and why?

Pic from my 5k training run this weekend

I'm all about metaphors, and I heard one yesterday that I LOVE:

Jon Tyson was on John Eldredge's podcast (yes, please, to that group hangout!), and he talked about a book called Great by Choice (already purchased as my next audible read).  He shared a story about two very different training approaches for serious mountain climbing... One group did 20 miles a day regardless of the weather.  They were consistent and focused, never allowing the weather or outside circumstances to dictate their gameplan for the day.  The other group was reactive, really pushing themselves and going 30-40 miles on the beautiful days, but setting up camp and waiting it out if there was a blizzard.  The first group reached their goal working together, and in spite of very rough weather, everyone survived and did well.  The second group experienced several deaths and losses, and most failed to reach the summit.  Jon compared that to our walk with God, emphasizing the need to be consistent in our spiritual disciplines rather than reacting to our daily mood or circumstances.  (It could apply to any number of things - consistency over reactivity.)

I'm happy God loves metaphor, too.  He uses a lot of metaphorical language, mostly gardening (Vine and branches, the parable of the good soil; trees planted by rivers of water; oaks of righteousness) and racing (the race marked out for you; throw off everything that hinders; run with endurance).  

His Word also has a lot to say about battle (your enemy prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour; the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds; put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground).  Importantly, this is not a fiction-based metaphor, but a literal spiritual reality that God wants us to be deeply aware of and on guard for.  Since John Eldredge forever changed my worldview about that in 2007, I have done my best to put hard things into that warfare context, but it's so easy to forget or lose sight of.  Our hearts are truly being targeted by a vicious enemy, and God is fighting to free our hearts (and wants us to join Him in setting others free)!  I've been reminded of that truth even earlier this week, and it is always crazy-helpful to view childhood trauma or any difficult things we face as adults through that context!!!  Everything begins to make more sense.

Since the war context doesn't count as an official metaphor, I will go with marathon training/running as the metaphor for my life - you can look back at any of my Marathon Monday posts for more cheesy musings on that topic.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  Consistent pacing and planning is key.  Training in all kinds of weather is helpful.  Inner grit and a solid community will keep you going.  You also need proper fuel and strength.  Take it one step at a time, celebrate the small milestones along the way, and be aware of the course marked out for you.  There are uphill battles and downhill coasting seasons, and that's all normal.  Having a clear prize and end goal in mind is really motivating.  It also helps to remember you have people supporting you and cheering you on (including a very real great cloud of witnesses in Heaven)!! ❤

But wait, there's more!! lol  Painting is another one that often comes to mind since it's a creative activity I enjoy... I've tried several abstract art paintings, then I continually rework and tweak and improve them. So I like thinking of my life as a blank canvas, and God and I are working together to create something beautiful there.  Some of the colors I thought would be most prominent are fading into the background now, while others that I didn't see clearly at first have started to shine and stand out.  I've tried to quit or assumed I did something irreparable a few times, but God carefully covers and corrects my errors (beauty for ashes, and love covering a multitude of sins).  It's all a bit messy and unfinished right now, but already deeply unique and valuable and worthy of love!  God is the master artist, and only He knows the planned design for where it's all headed, so asking for His direction is always the best course of wisdom.  Fortunately, He is still actively at work and enjoying the whole process, and He never gives up on the projects He begins.  And little by little, my life-canvas is growing in beauty and color and depth, being gradually perfected to better reflect the Creator artist. ❤ "For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."  ~Ephesians 2:10

Yay, metaphors! ;-)  Okay, that's all I've got for you today - which was probably more than you asked for or expected. lol  

Happy 14th Anniversary to Bill & Jill!!

Also, Happy Veteran's Day, and a very sincere thank you to everyone who has served!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Pedestals and Power

In the wake of my embryo adoption decision, I scheduled three follow-up sessions with Emily.

Potentially our most productive sessions thus far, so I am very grateful!

Yesterday, we discussed my tendency to put others on a pedestal... throughout life, I tend to choose one person who stands out to me as trustworthy then gradually view their opinions and feedback as more valuable than my own, seeking it out, and naturally assuming the slightly inferior role (whether or not they view themselves as superior).  This aligns with old anxious attachment insecurities, intense rejection history, and the Enneagram 9 tendency to merge with others and avoid conflict by minimizing my own opinions - I've been aware of most of that for a while.

But Emily asked how this pedestal tendency serves me, which was a new thought.

I immediately started laughing knowing what she meant.  As counseling students, we learn that our defense mechanisms and negative habits always serve some helpful purpose in our lives.  Otherwise, we'd have an easier time giving them up.  People often try to break these negative patterns without giving much conscious thought to why they chose to build and reinforce them in the first place.  It's worth consideration!

Anyway, the best I could come up with off the cuff was that I always view the person on the pedestal as strong and protective, and I greatly value protective strength.  And maybe I tend to assume the smaller/lower role because there is less responsibility there, and it does not require me to step up, decide, be strong, and/or lead as often.  It's self-protective and takes some of the pressure off of me.

Of course, that ties into the learned helplessness and conditioned apathy that I wrote about in my leadership class.  Situations where you care, but you have trained yourself to pretend you don't really care.  Or you know change would be very difficult, so you gradually give into the idea that you are powerless.  It was the first time I made the connection between feeling inspired to write about all of that during the leadership class, then very intentionally reminding myself a few weeks later that I am not trapped or powerless when I strongly identified with Gladys' miserable walk down the aisle in Gilded Age...  Which led directly into me closing the embryo adoption chapter and finally feeling peace about all of that.  No worries if you didn't follow all of that - I'm mostly writing it for my own future reference.

Honestly, embracing my own agency and power to choose and take action is literally the overarching theme of the last several years of my life.  I haven't done it perfectly, but every decision matters.  Sometimes, I naturally embrace the lesser role out of a false religious guilt that it would be ungodly to feel powerful.  But Scripture is pretty clear that God Himself gives us a spirit of POWER and love and sound judgment rather than timidity or fear!  We have a certain amount of power and authority in Christ, and God means for us to walk in it, not cower or play the victim.

Emily and I also talked about how when you put others on a pedestal, it makes you smaller.

Then we talked about the litany of mixed messages I have received over the past four decades about the value of being small versus the value of being strong.  I told her one of my favorite Peloton quotes was "Make yourself strong, never small!"  (And I'm 90% certain that small vs. strong line of thought will be the theme of my future book, because there is SO MUCH THERE -  mind, body, soul, and spirit!!)

That's all for today.  Yay, therapy! lol

Embrace your God-given power!

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control]."  ~2 Timothy 1:7

❤ ❤ ❤

Safety Nets and Wet Paint

Y’all know I love a good metaphor.  (I say “y’all” even though this blog is still private.  I know I’ll make it public again soon.)

Lately, two metaphors keep coming to mind.  The first is a trapeze artist who takes a brave leap but misses the catch and falls into a waiting safety net below.  To play that out fully, her timing was off, they miss the connection, and she’s suddenly free-falling, her carefully-planned routine unraveling.  She feels the weight of watching eyes and the pressure to land as gracefully as possible.  Sooner than expected, she hits the safety net and feels dizzy from the fall as the net bounces then steadies and holds firm.  She's a little shaken and embarrassed, but mostly relieved and grateful.  She is safe.  Supported.  Not where she expected to be, but she is okay.  That leap wasn’t right for her this time, and that’s okay.  She will gather her courage and try something new when she is ready...

Okay, shifting gears... way back in 2011, my favorite guys in all the world joined me and a couple girlfriends on a road trip to help Malori Riah paint her first home... this picture still brings me lots of joy!!

JEM was full of good quotes and entertaining stories that day, including the classic tale about how he accidentally painted himself into a corner while redoing his own garage floor, having to cross over a lot of wet paint to get out.  I’ve thought about that story a lot lately.  It’s part of why I shut down the blog for a bit.  Without meaning to, I felt like I had written myself into a corner, trapped by the sincere hopes and clearly-documented life plans made by a past version of me.  I’ve had to remind myself often that I am allowed to change course and dream new dreams!!

For years, I talked and wrote about becoming a single mom until it became hard to admit that I might want something different now.  In addition to all the roadblocks I encountered, my desire itself had begun to shift.  It’s not that I don’t ever want kids or don't believe I would be a good mom, but the “doing it alone” part began to feel more daunting and isolating than empowering and connecting.

Following Jeff's paint story all the way through was oddly helpful for me... because he isn’t still stuck in that corner today.  It was messy, and it required some repair and cleanup, but often the only way out is through!  Jeffrey was single at the time, and he didn't have to tell any of us about that.  No one would have known if he had not mentioned it, and the same is pretty true in my story right now.  A comforting thought on some level.  But truthfully, no lasting harm was done, and 14 years later, that entertaining story helped me see my own way out.  (Here's hoping my story can do the same for someone else someday.)

So here I am.  My plans have changed, I'm calming down from a dizzying fall, and I've landed in a very supportive safety net of kind friends and family and a very faithful God.  Over the past month, I have written a letter of closure to the placing parent, cancelled the Dallas surgery, worked with the adoption agency, ended my time at ITS, and transitioned all my counseling clients.  Wet paint everywhere, but it's going to be okay.  I'm going to be okay.  I am beginning to look forward, while reminding myself not to rush into anything.  To be still and breathe for a bit.  This part is messy and hard, but it's also freeing and right.

Life is moving quickly and my thoughts are still settling, but I wanted to write this out today.  If you feel trapped or pressured in any area of life, I hope this imagery encourages you!

Do the hard thing you KNOW is right.
God will strengthen the safety net.
The fall will not kill you.
❤ ❤ ❤