Three years ago, I read a fantastic book on Attachment theory (recap HERE).
For various reasons (some that I understand well and some that are likely subconscious), I developed an Anxious Attachment style... I can see it clearly in several relationships and past interactions, and I've worked hard over the past few years to become more Securely attached. What helps me in that more than anything is being in healthy relationships with people who create a sense of safety and security. Friends or family members who understand my story pretty well and intentionally reach out to reassure me if things feel off because I'm wrestling with insecurity/relational anxiety. What triggers nearly-intolerable anxiety levels in me is relationships with people who are more avoidant/detached, who deliberately distance themselves when any relationship begins to feel too close, who lash out with vitriol and anger when I seek clarification or reassurance. Knowing that about myself has been immensely helpful in choosing and prioritizing safe relationships.
In this week's session of Beth's summer Bible study, she talked about how our spiritual enemy tends to derail our relationships through detachment or entanglement. And how the cure for that is to press into "Christ-regulated attachment," finding security and emotional stability in Jesus as we learn to have healthier relationships with others.
I loved that illustration! It simplifies it all and aligns perfectly with Attachment Theory psychology - therapy and theology always align well at their core. The closer we are to Jesus, the more likely we are to live from a place of secure attachment, knowing and trusting that we are loved and worthy of love. And yes, the enemy will try to get us to pendulum swing from one extreme to the other, from feeling entangled in unhealthy dynamics - insecure and anxious and needy with low confidence... to detaching from people and being avoidant and overconfident in our ability to do life alone.
On the Detachment <--------> Entanglement spectrum, I typically lean toward Entanglement (over-striving to keep harmony; feeling emotionally wrung out and stressed over any disconnection or relational conflict). That means I often naturally click with people who fall on the opposite side of that spectrum, and the clash of unmet needs was intense and catastrophic at times. However, over time, I've moved closer and closer to the central mark of security in Christ, stepping away from entanglement toward deeper stability and loving others well... and part of that is due to having friends who are on the same page, stepping away from hyper-independence/detachment and into intentional love and care.
Every bit of progress we make matters.
And stepping closer to Jesus is key.
“So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if you're with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.” ~Attached
The more mature and secure we become, the more we can help our friends/family members avoid the extreme ends of this spectrum. It's a hopeful thought! "Christ-regulated attachment" is really the perfect way to describe what every Christian should be seeking. None of us will do things perfectly in any relationship, and we don't need to make other flawed people our standard. Jesus is with us and for us to help regulate our messy emotions and attachment styles, case by case. He knows the unique needs of each person and loves everyone perfectly, and growing closer to Him will naturally serve to make us more secure people with more genuine and balanced love for others!!
❤ ❤ ❤
