Back in 2011, my parents had a catastrophic car wreck.
On a lonely highway in the middle of the Nevada desert, the truck in front of them swerved quickly to avoid hitting a stalled van, then Dad was unable to swerve fast enough to miss it. Their 80mph wreck hit the passenger side hardest, and Mom was medi-flighted back to the Vegas hospital for several days with internal bleeding, a gash on her forehead, and a knee injury that required multiple debridement procedures.
Rachael and I had flown home, and we were very concerned and anxious to have them back with us... then Mom's hospital stay was extended due to internal bleeding. I was looking at flights back to Vegas, but she was released to come home the next day. They made special accommodations for her flight and someone brought her out in a wheelchair. Rach drove the Mustang to pick her up, as it was a lower car that would be easier for Mom to get into with her bruised-up knee.
It's a 2-door car with a verrrry small backseat, and on our way to the airport, I was obviously up front. Rach was driving... we moved the passenger seat forward for me to get into the tiny back seat... then they spent a few minutes getting Mom all seated and situated.
......
Never in my life have I felt as irrationally panicked as I did that entire drive home. It hit me as they were putting mom in and getting her all settled that she was injured and fragile and could not possibly get out quickly if there was any need to do so, and I was in trapped in the small seat behind her with no car door I could open and no other way to climb out. My parents had just had a horrific wreck, so that was in my mind. Rach was also a little nervous and on edge about driving that car as safely as possible, Mom was nervous and still in pain, and I was taking deep breaths, trying to close my eyes and stay quiet, and internally berating myself for not being able to focus more clearly on Mom and what she needed in that moment. It was claustrophobia like I have never experienced before or since, and it didn't get much better until I was out of the car.
.......
Rach and I had a memorable conversation on that topic last night.
She had a similar experience on a ride at Frontier City. She initially got on it to help Kyndal feel brave enough to try it, then when she tried to bend down to pick something up, the shoulder-bar caught her and held her very still, and the feeling of being unable to move washed over her with an irrational panic. So much so that they let her (and Kyndal Faith) off the ride before it started. She has done rides like that several times before, and it wasn't the crazy loops or anything about the ride itself that caused the fear, but the sensation of being trapped...
And I told her I absolutely knew the feeling she was talking about. I had only experienced it once, but it was pretty memorable for me, too. Just a sense of panic and feeling out-of-control that you know is irrational, but you cannot easily calm down.
This = Nate Bargatze discussing a very similar experience (and just after this, he tells a story about being in the back of a car and making everyone get out). lol
I'm thankful that for myself and Rachael (and Nate), this is a rare and sporadic experience. But it does give me some context to explain the way I feel sometimes as a person with anxious attachment. I have become more secure through the years, but the roots of rejection are powerful, and there are times when something minor can set off what part of me knows to be an irrational sense of panic that a relationship is ending, that all is not well, that I need to do damage control. Then I'll try to calm myself down and step back and give the other person space, but I rarely last more than 48 hours before a real internal spiral hits.
I've seen a lot of both sides on this.... and metaphorically, bringing up any emotions with a dismissive avoidant (someone with an insecure attachment style that rages and pushes hard away from anyone trying to move closer to them or ask for vulnerability) feels like starting up the ride when you're already in full panic mode. There is just zero ability to think straight for a while. Whereas talking to someone who is securely attached and caring feels like the bar that was "trapping you" in this irrational panic/anxiety being lifted, and you can breathe normally and see clearly again. (You still feel a little awkward and embarrassed that you couldn't freaking calm down enough to not need that reassurance, but gracious, it's a thousand times better when you can have one healthy conversation and everything just feels back on track. That is never the case with the anxious/avoidant pairing - never.)
I'm deeply thankful for personal growth!! And I am thankful for friends who are secure enough to navigate the occasional bouts of irrational-relational-anxiety that pop up for me in a way that's kind and rational and caring without tangible resentment and irritation, which multiplies the inner panic 100-fold. When you're in an unhealthy place, that anxiety becomes familiar, and you can mistake the intensity of that dynamic for a really strong connection, but healthy connections don't keep your nervous system constantly on edge and frayed. I know what to look for now, and I will not put myself through that dynamic in any relationship ever again. I will seek peace and pursue it, hard conversations included.
So that's my fun educational metaphor for today. There are good therapeutic tools available, but sometimes (with legit claustrophobia or relational anxiety), we genuinely need prayer and healthy relationships to help calm the fear and restore our God-given power, love, and sound mind.
No one can do everything on their own, and that is okay.
The end.
❤ ❤ ❤
P.S. Happy Global Running Day!
