"Chet Pack" Relay Team!

This morning was the 20th Annual Route 66 Marathon in Tulsa!!

Then tonight was the 14th annual Friendsgiving dinner at the Wilsons! =)

This = our pre-race team pic (minus Evan) at Whataburger last night - YAY, relay team!

Packet pickup at the Civic Center!

Yay, new Swiftie hat... fun!!  Boo, ingrown toenail... ouch - Advil was my friend! lol

Moss fam at dinner last night! =)

Meeting these guys at the Start Line around 7:30 this morning!

Chet's Fleet Feet Coach and pacer, Meeyoun!

Their training team!

100 pounds of confetti at the Start Line!  Definitely found some that stayed with me when I got back to my hotel. lol

Pic with the blue whale mascot! lol

Chettles and JEM, Relay leg #2!  I walked in the wrong direction at least a mile trying to find Woodward Park, so I missed the exchange point with Evan, but I was so happy to catch them here!!

Next was meeting the Shoemaker fam near the next relay exchange zone!  The road closures made everything tricky, but the race day energy is pretty fun to me, and I was happy to be there for all of this!

Going strong at Mile 10!

Three of the best men I know... Mark Anthony, Jeffrey Edward, and Chet Lee!

JEM and I got a pic by the Route 66 bridge while enjoying the live saxophone music! =)

The wonderful Wilsons and Weatherfords!!  Pic by Rachel Elizabeth bc I was headed to my own Relay spot at this point!

Cutest little friends!

Made it to my spot near Tulsa University... I was about 45 minutes early, and it was super cold outside!  I had fun chatting with other relayers and watching the runners and the water stop girls, though!

Daniel and Chettles, just past Mile Marker 21!

We ran and smiled for the official race photographer right as my portion got started, then Chet saw this sign and quickly volunteered himself for this photo op. LOL

Chet's fam there to cheer us on between Mile 22 and 23 (same mile where they met me in OKC).  Love all the signs!

❤ ❤

Chet dealing with the pebble in his shoe; me being happy to sit down. lol

Chettles "leaning in" and embracing the delightful hills of Tulsa! lol

This one makes me happy! ❤

We (especially Chettles) were thrilled to see this sign marking the last .2 miles of the journey!!

We did it - huzzah - it feels very in character that I'm in a hoodie and pants while Chet's in shorts and a t-shirt!!

Celebration pic with the Shoemakers, Comers, Wilsons, and Weatherfords!!

Ran back to my hotel room to shower and change, DoorDashed H-Tea-O to the Wilson home, and got there at 5pm for a delicious Italian Friendsgiving feast!

Loved the conversations tonight -- love this group and super thankful for them!!

Today was really fun for me from start to finish!!  Chet so appreciated the relay team support, and I think all of us really enjoyed being a part of it.  I was thrilled to have the final leg with more photos and less running.  But seriously, round of applause for Chettles, who showed remarkable grit in finishing the marathon after being sick all week... then hosting everyone (27 people this year) for dinner a few hours later!

I wish him a well-deserved rest and recovery day tomorrow and a peaceful Thanksgiving week ahead!!  

(And better health pre-Disney Marathon on 1-11!)

❤ ❤ ❤

With Hope & Expectancy

Day 23:  What is one quote or verse that has deeply shaped how you live or think?

Love these verses (written here on the floor of my tornado shelter).

Every phrase is powerful.  What stands out right now is waiting with hope and expectancy.  We don't always know what is best for us, but God does, and He enjoys giving good things to His children! ❤

In other news, I saw Elf the musical at the OKC Civic Center last night - a last-minute decision when I realized there were tickets available for $35... fun!

See you all tomorrow!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Path of Peace

And now, a life update...

Short Version:  Within a 48-hour period, I received the two best job offers of my life last week!  And yesterday, I gladly accepted a court reporter position with the Oklahoma Corporation Commission! ❤

Detailed Version:  The counseling market is oversaturated right now, while court reporting is facing a major shortage.  This means that desirable counseling jobs (especially entry-level roles) are limited, while there are loads of CR openings (for which I'm well qualified after nearly 21 years in the field).  Over the past year, my focus has shifted.  My current hope is to continue with court reporting as my primary career, then teach at CCU on the side after finishing my PhD.  

Last week, I interviewed for a Federal Court Reporter position in Tulsa.  It was a Zoom panel with two hiring officials and five other court reporters, but I felt surprisingly calm.  We had a great conversation where I learned a lot about the role:  meticulously tracking work hours, working with a judge who speaks clearly and slowly but requires realtime for every  hearing, being able to work from home when not in court, busy dockets, and a faster 30-day turnaround time on all transcripts at a lower page rate than I currently charge.  By the end of the day, I received an official job offer.

Becoming a Federal CR is really the pinnacle of the profession, so receiving that offer was a surprising honor and a confidence boost!  To be clear, the offer came with a substantial pay increase (potentially $50-90k+ more each year, depending on transcript volume), fantastic benefits, and a significantly heavier workload.

Even though the idea of moving during the holidays, upgrading all my equipment, pausing the doctoral program, potentially hearing traumatizing things in court, and mastering realtime before facing a courtroom full of high-level jury trials was extremely stressful, I was really leaning toward accepting.  I had talked with my CCU advisor, Chet was sending me house listings, and Mom and I were discussing new steno machines and CRR prep.  It felt like the ominous uphill climb at the beginning of a roller-coaster that I knew would be a rocky learning curve for at least the first six months.

Thanks to Rachael's interest in court reporting leading to Mom's recent conversation with Marilyn, I had also thrown my application in with the Oklahoma Corporation Commission just over a week ago.  I assumed the Federal role would be the one I took if it was offered, and the OCC could be a solid backup option.

After a very long and exhausting Friday in court last week (which honestly felt like God reminding me that I'm happier when cases settle rather than drag into long trials), Amy from the OCC called.  We talked for 30 minutes, and I knew within the first five minutes that I wanted that job!!  With the ongoing shortage, she essentially offered me the position on the spot.  I spoke with Andrea Monday morning -- another CR on their leadership team -- and officially said yes.  I submitted my resignation to Judge Brockman yesterday afternoon and sent my decline email to the federal court this morning.  My final day here will be 12-23, and for HR reasons, my start date with the OCC will be 12-29.

This will be a lateral move salary-wise since it's still an Oklahoma state CR role, but the benefits include:  Being managed by other CRs who understand and place a high value on court reporters, no realtime requirement, a legit electronic filing system (yes, please), a higher transcript page rate ($7.50 per page!), a predictable and non-traumatizing docket of mostly oil and gas cases, and working remotely from home all but 3-4 days per month!!  That makes this the most flexible work role I've ever had, which many of you know is truly saying something. lol  Their hearings are all Zoom recorded, so the backup audio will be solid and comforting.  And it allows me to continue moving forward with the PhD program at the accelerated pace!

Early on, I joked that this choice came down to greed vs. laziness, but truly, it came down to alignment vs. pressure.  Both job offers are excellent, and I trust that I would be valued and have stability and job security either way.  After careful and prayerful consideration, I have chosen the role that aligns with my long-term goals, the life I'm building, and the peace I want to protect!

Interestingly, this is the second year in a row where I almost rushed back to Tulsa for a new year transition, then God kept me here.  So I'm choosing to embrace that and make the most of being in OKC in 2026, trusting God's timing and plan.  After 48 hours of nonstop brainstorming about  the moving process (which is the actual worst) and wrestling with the intensity of the Federal job details, the OCC position was a real quick yes for me!

Yes to peace.
Yes to flexibility.
Yes to staying on track with the PhD.
Yes to an unhurried holiday season.
Yes to family dinners, CHA events, and keeping life rooted right now.
Yes to creating a beautiful home office space I'll enjoy instead of packing up my paid-off home!  

I still see myself eventually landing in Tulsa, but I don't want to rush it.  I am genuinely happy to stay in the OKC area a little longer.  And while I tend to worry about how my decisions affect others, the Tulsa federal court should not have trouble finding a dedicated court reporter who desires that level of intensity, and being able to give Judge Brockman over a month's notice helped ease that transition and made yesterday's conversation less difficult.

I am deeply grateful for God's timing in ALL of the above.  It needed to happen in this sequence for me to feel affirmed and believe I'm competent and capable of handling the Federal CR role, but also to feel flooded with peace, relief, and joy when the OCC door opened! ❤

Buoyant Themes

Day 7:  What lesson keeps resurfacing - and why might God be repeating it in your life?

1)  Facing hard realities head-on; being willing to repent if needed and/or have difficult conversations with others if needed

2)  Choosing transformation and action over conformity and comfort

They are repetitive because I am stubborn, and surrender is hard.  (Not unique to me.)

Joyce says that you never fail a test with God - He just lets you take the same test over and over until you get it.  That feels true.  

On another note, I heard on a podcast recently that you will always feel a little dissatisfied and/or hungry if your body is not getting the right amount of important nutrients from fruits and vegetables... and my continual "never enough"/dissatisfied feeling makes a lot more sense in that context.  So embracing healthy eating = another lesson that keeps resurfacing!

Anyway, I'm leaving work early now, so happy Friday, friends and family!!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Path of Life

Rejoice always.
Pray continually.
Give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God's will for you
in Christ Jesus.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

❤

I am praying for God-given peace and clarity on “the path of life.”

I am fearful of pushing my own agenda;
If God is not in it, I do not want it.

Lately, I haven’t felt quite okay or like myself.  I am overextended, overwhelmed, resisting depression, and numbing with food.  I had a moment of clarity while watching Gladys walk down the aisle, silently hoping someone would stop her and feeling trapped by the momentum of her own decisions.  I could relate to that feeling, but I realized it is up to me -- I am not stuck, and I have full freedom of choice in every area of life.

A friend who lost her fiancé to suicide reminded me that “everything is figure-outable.”  Soon after her video, I saw that quote again -- this time from a cute cowboy mouse on Facebook.  It's a good reminder that nothing is set in stone, and God gives wisdom to those who seek Him.

(The mirror selfie is just me feeling cute in my new pink shirt. lol)

My recent sonogram suggests that another surgery would be needed if I pursue pregnancy and embryo adoption.  This pattern of high vulnerability, high expense, and deferred hope has left me feeling numb.  I meet with my doctor again on Monday to discuss next steps, but more importantly, I will be seeking God’s guidance here.  I don't believe I have ever felt the "not my will but Yours" prayer more sincerely.  I feel a reverent level of fear about pushing for my will and pressing toward single parenthood without God's blessing and favor.

I also know that letting go of the motherhood dream would create a real void in my sense of purpose, one that only God could heal and redirect.  It would be yet another quiet loss that most people would never notice, but it would profoundly impact my self-perception and daily thought patterns.  That hope has been the driving force in most of my major decisions through the past decade, so I would need God's help to face that ambiguous grief, reframe my identity, and embrace His best for me -- whatever that looks like moving forward.

Right now, I feel disconnected, hesitant, and uncertain about all of it -- pursuing adoption, a counseling career, the doctoral path, and/or a future move.  Some of this may be spiritual warfare, but it has all reached a point where I cannot ignore it or keep going at this pace.  I need to be intentional in my prayers, and I need to take action and make some big decisions in the near future.

This was another great and timely reminder for me...

My deepest desires remain the same:

To be strong & healthy in mind, body, soul, and spirit
To live in alignment with God’s heart
To lead others with peace and purpose
To leave a meaningful legacy

The method and plan may shift, but those goals will stand firm.  I may have unintentionally veered off course latey, so I will be praying for God to clarify the path of life and the race He has marked out for me.

Not seeking advice for now, but Spirit-led prayers are appreciated.

❤ ❤ ❤

To Give, Revive, and Restore

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

~Jesus, John 10:10

• Satan's mission = To steal and kill and destroy.  
• Our mission is the opposite.

• The opposite of stealing = giving; being generous in offering our time, energy, finances, and connection.
• The opposite of killing = to revive, resurrect, and breathe new life into something or someone.
• The opposite of destruction = creation and restoration; to build up, strengthen, preserve, protect, and repair good things.

A couple months back, John Eldredge warned that the enemy would be rolling out a new wave of death and despair.  He said there would be a surge or an increase in actual physical death, but above that, the death of dreams - the  temptation to lose heart, to despair... to give up, let things go, and quietly walk away from our God-given missions and callings.

I forgot about that until his video this morning reminded me.....

It appears we are in the middle of it now.

So this is me reminding you to take heart, to stay close to God, and to be prayerful in your personal decisions - especially if you feel pulled to give up in some area!

What's happening around us right now is much bigger than clashing political parties.  There is a clash of Kingdoms, a spiritual war where our common enemy is ramping up the intensity in his global mission to steal, kill, and destroy all that is good and hopeful.  In major and minor ways, he is increasing the darkness, chaos, confusion, and despair.  And rather than cooperating with that by giving up or retreating from the fight (the pull toward that is stronger than usual right now)... our God-given role is to ENGAGE, to push forward, to shine, to be intentional in what God is uniquely calling us to do.

Where our spiritual enemy seeks to bring division, God's people are called to bring UNITY.

Wherever he is bringing death, we pray for and bring LIFE!!

He brings despair... we bring HOPE.

He brings chaos... we bring ORDER.

He brings anxiety... we pursue PEACE.

He pulls us toward sadness... we lean into JOY.

He dehumanizes... we lead with LOVE.

He brings darkness... we shine the LIGHT.

He assaults us with fear... we choose proactive FAITH.

He destroys... we RESTORE.

It's more natural for me to think big-picture when it comes to God's Kingdom, but this stuff applies to our personal lives, as well.  I have felt quietly overwhelmed and verrrry pulled to give up on everything lately... motherhood, PhD, LPC, etc.  To walk away from it all and start fresh.  Portions of that may be coming from God, but I need to be very prayerful in these decisions and recognize the layers of spiritual warfare surrounding all of it.  

We all do.

Be vigilant, friends.  Your decisions matter, and as John reminded me this morning, "There is no neutral ground."

Lord Jesus, we are under attack, and we are all tired.  You are the Lord of life, and we need Your help and strength to revive us.  Today, I bring the blood of Jesus Christ and the river of life through my mind, body, soul, and spirit to cleanse me from the demonic sting of death, from all traumatizing imagery, and from the aggressive pull toward fear and disengagement.  Death has no mastery over me, for I am united with Christ, rooted and grounded in His love.  Jesus, strengthen me for what lies ahead and show me where and how you want me to bring life, hope, and restoration.  In big and small ways, I pray that You would strengthen Your people who are called by Your name.  Show us what matters most, and remind us of the part we are called to play.  I specifically pray against the spirit of apathy and learned helplessness and passivity, the pull to disengage and disconnect and believe we are small and powerless.  Help us to understand and claim the power and authority You have given us, to walk in it with increasing strength and integrity.  I pray that we would be bold, active, and united in advancing Your Kingdom!  We have the victory in You, but we have to take action and enforce it.  In the authority of Jesus' name, Amen.

❤ ❤ ❤

Diving Deeper

"Faith is predicated on trust, not understanding. You will never trust or obey a God that you don't think is FOR YOU.  Not ultimately.  Why would you maintain a Christian sexual ethic if you didn't believe God was good and He was for you?  Legalism never kept anyone in anything."  ~Christine Caine (this week's podcast)

Timely and true.  I am most susceptible to compromise or seeking comfort in the wrong places when I start to doubt God's heart toward me (our spiritual enemy's continual marketing campaign).  Does God care enough to come through, or am I basically alone and grasping to build something great on my own?

When our view of God is off, our obedience won't have deep roots.  And I think my view of His goodness has been too tied to my specific life plan(s).  It's good to set big goals and pursue them, but I have to acknowledge God's sovereign authority and trust His love and wisdom.

Ugh, it feels more complicated than it should.  The verse that helps me most right now is Hebrews 11:6: "It is impossible to please God without faith.  Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that God exists and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him."

I cannot bank my hopes on any specific answered prayer.  And I cannot be petty and frustrated with God when life doesn't pan out according to my dreams or my timeline.  (Easier to write than live out - it's been messy lately, but I want to honor God as I move forward.)

God is real, and He rewards those who sincerely seek Him.

We don't know exactly how or when the reward is coming.  But we can trust that He sees the things no one else does, and He. values. our. faithfulness.  That's the part I need to internalize more deeply.  Heart-level repentance and pursuing integrity, purity, obedience, and a clean conscience with a desire to honor God because we love Him... that doesn't go unnoticed or undervalued, and God is not indifferent or blasé about it.  God is trustworthy, and His heart is invested in this relationship.  So it's good and right for me to put my whole heart (mind, body, soul, and strength) into it, too - He will not waste my time or energy, even if the outcome is not what I have prayed for!

Every day, in a hundred little ways, He sets before us the choice between life and death.  Will we align ourselves with Jesus (being transformed) or conform to the surrounding culture?  Will we push our own agenda or trust God's character enough to surrender to His?  Will we choose the path of life in our thoughts, words, actions, and relationships?

God is good, and He is for you.
Be still today, and know that He exists.
And He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.
❤ ❤ ❤

Moral Authority and Finishing Well

This started on the Thankful Thursday list, then I quickly realized it deserved its own separate post.  

Lately, God is re-sensitizing my conscience in a few areas where I'd become complacent.  I'm entirely grateful for that shift, but it is CHALLENGING to surrender and submit.

For the life of me, it is HARD to spend 5+ hours reading the textbook and sifting through journal articles and piecing together quotes and APA-7 citations to write a 'simple' discussion board post when I know ChatGPT could churn out a better version in five seconds or less. 

In my deepest heart, I want to honor God and live with integrity, and I want to EARN my LPC and my PhD.

On a more shallow surface level, the work feels overwhelming, and I am incredibly aware that it is entirely possible to use generative AI to "help me" write every post, response, paper, and dissertation chapter.  I could make it sound like me, and many graduate students across the country will do just that and receive an equally-respectable degree.  I'm feeling overwhelmed this week with starting my supervised hours at Integrated Therapy Solutions and all the paperwork and the learning curve goes into starting any new position, so I'm not about to pretend that it's not tempting...

In Visioneering, the audiobook I finished recently, Andy Stanley was very clear that we have to be willing to let go of our dream or vision before we compromise our moral authority and integrity.  It's taken me longer than one would hope to get there, but I had a real chat with God during my walk yesterday... God honors our obedience and rewards those who seek and obey Him... holding faith in that promise will be KEY for me here.

**To be clear, AI itself is not evil - it's a tool that can be used for good or bad, and I've gotten some really good, fun things and cool new ideas out of it.  During my walk-break yesterday, God helped me see that using AI through this doctoral program would be a lot like driving myself through the marathon course.  I would be using a machine to move along the same path in a way that is admittedly MUCH easier and faster, that requires far less training and effort and inner grit, that is undeniably cheating even if it is never "caught."  That inner picture and thinking about what I want my "finish line" to feel like made it all very clear to me.  I don't want to take the easy shortcut and shortchange myself and dishonor God.  And yes, that's all a dramatic train of thought... but it was my first assignment in this new program, and I knew I was setting a precedent yesterday.  Part of me has bought into the belief that I'm incapable of doing it without outside help, and that's not true.  I am out of the groove with academic writing, but I am intelligent and capable and actually desire to keep learning and growing.  They required us to cite 3 peer-reviewed articles along with our Leadership textbook, so it all felt surprisingly HARD yesterday - I spent most of the afternoon and evening working on it, and what I turned in around midnight still felt rough to me.

(I think the biggest difference here is that I imagine everyone else is driving the course by utilizing AI - while I'm feeling very compelled to stay behind and walk it, doing all the work on my own - and that feels hard and lonely and unfair.  I know that's not entirely true and that there are at least a few in the same boat with me.  Either way, other people cannot be my standard.  And Psalm 73 helps redirect my mind and heart when I struggle with these thoughts.)

Now I have to write 4 discussion responses and outline a paper where I will cite 10 journal articles by Sunday night - woof.  Mercifully, next week will actually be a school break week for the 4th of July.  So that gives me time to get myself together and create a legit schedule.  After that, we write a 12-page paper about our Leadership Philosophy (which honestly sounds fun/interesting to me).  I'm going to make a concerted effort to get my candidacy stuff started next week and to set out a clear daily schedule for myself as this program moves forward.  I need to be more disciplined and manage my time well, and I believe it will all be doable as I watch less TV and prioritize sleep and get really organized.  But if I cannot manage to do the work and keep my grades up honestly, then I will either defer or fully let go of the doctorate.  And that outcome will be better and more God-honoring and identity-affirming than receiving a degree I did not earn.  

Yes, an easier path is freely available.  But there is an intangible cost to it, and taking that broad path feels like the equivalent of Esau selling his birthright for a bowl of stew.  My ability to think critically and write creatively and manage my time well will grow as I do the work myself, and I will rebuild integrity and self-trust and my ability to clearly hear from God... so I will come out much stronger for it in the end.  So that's my self pep talk for today! lol

P.S.  Two months ago was the day before the Full - aww, memories.  It was mentally and physically tough, and I walked a lot and took a mini-break in the middle, but I'm very proud that I trained hard and finished it, and I can't even tell you how much that metaphor helps me to see things more clearly here!!!

I love you and believe in you, and I believe God sees your hard work and integrity even if it feels absurdly slow and undervalued in our broken culture.  I am confident that God exists, and that He is a rewarder of those who sincerely seek Him!

❤ ❤ ❤

Pure and Blameless

In my latest audiobook, Annie B. Jones mentioned a term that I’d never heard before: scrupulosity.  It's a lesser-known subtype of OCD marked by obsessive concern with moral or religious perfection — feeling a distorted sense of guilt and a fear of offending God, even over smaller things.

I’m not sure I fully qualify for that label, but I definitely experienced something similar as a child.  My natural perfectionism combined with the legalistic culture of the school and church environments I was in led to a heavy burden of guilt and a strict understanding of God.  I often felt disproportionately convicted about minor things in kid-friendly movies or TV shows while everyone around me seemed totally fine with them.  My desire to fit in led me to regularly rationalize that as long as something wasn’t overtly evil (ie some horror movies) or clearly hurtful to someone else, then maybe God was okay with it, especially if other Christians were on board.

Looking back, that was twisted logic and a good example of why Scripture warns us not to lean on our limited understanding.  That kind of self-guided reasoning can easily lead us down a slippery slope where minor compromises open the door to bigger ones.

As a young adult, in trying to avoid legalism, I did what many of us do and swung too far in the other direction.  I embraced “grace” in places where God was likely calling for conviction.  That pendulum swing is calming down, and I am working my way back to a more balanced, Biblically-grounded middle.  But knowing exactly where to draw the line has proven verrry challenging, especially with entertainment (books, movies, TV shows, podcasts, etc.).

The pull of worldly culture is strong, and it is constant.  I hear Christians justify things all the time, and I wrestle with comparison—wondering if I’m being too sensitive or not gracious enough.  Then I remember what Jesus told Peter when he asked about John: “What is that to you? You follow Me.” And that’s what I keep coming back to.  I'm not responsible for what others justify—I’m fully responsible for my obedience in my own walk with God.

Still, because of that early scrupulosity, I don’t always trust my inner convictions.  It’s like I’ve never had a totally clear conscience because that standard always felt so unattainable... so I learned to justify some small things… and then bigger things.  And now I’m trying to untangle that whole web and discern what is genuine conviction from the Holy Spirit versus what’s leftover fear or religious dogma.

A messy but worthwhile process.

This verse caught my attention recently - the idea of “living a pure and blameless life until the day of Christ’s return” sounds beautiful on the surface.  But to me, it also feels impossible.  Maybe I'm misunderstanding what “pure and blameless” actually means?  To me, it sounds like never having a lustful thought, speaking a curse word, gossiping, overeating, complaining, or feeling jealous.  "Go and. sin. no. more," as Jesus Himself told the woman He rescued after being caught in adultery.  If Christ-level perfection is the bar, I am sure not meeting it.  And God's Word is pretty clear that there will be a massive crowd of people who deceive themselves into believing they’re saved when they are not...

Most churches in America tend to emphasize the importance of faith - trusting Jesus to save us "by grace through faith, not of works, lest any man should boast."  I get that.  But our obedience and sanctification matter, too, and many Christians discount that.  “Just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.”  I have to study this out and seek God here because sometimes I feel sincere confusion around all of this.

So I’m praying for wisdom and clarity.  I want to grow in knowing Jesus, in my love and knowledge and understanding of "what really matters" to God.  Righteousness isn’t measured by comparison or by what we’ve avoided, and sometimes the vices that are easier to hide can actually be more dangerous, so confession and repentance are vital!

Sometimes I still question whether I’ve offended God in some irreparable way... and I know that sounds irrational, but the rejection I've endured from people who once loved me makes it much easier to misinterpret certain verses and project that fear onto God when He feels distant or quiet.

Nothing is hidden from God - He knows our hearts, our thoughts, and everything we watch, read, and consume.  The idea of never making another poor/sinful choice feels like an unbearable pressure when I look at the big picture of my whole future, and something in my flesh pushes back against it pretty hard and assumes that can't possibly be the standard.  But I'm starting to think that's an agreement I've made that I need to pray through and break now - there's a verse in Deuteronomy where God tells His people that His command to love Him and walk in His ways "is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach."  So I'm going to work on being more submissive and surrendered in my own heart - not making lazy excuses or assumptions that I'm incapable, but doing my best -- one day at a time -- to love God well and walk in step with the Holy Spirit and quickly confess and repent when I mess up.  Not legalism, not license, but choosing love that leads to real surrender.  My heart's desire is to be pure and blameless before God… and I know the love and the blood of Jesus cover a multitude of sins for all of us... but I feel like I’m still figuring out what it means to "work out my salvation" -- how that actually plays out in this modern world and in my specific life.  What shows and movies etc. need to go?  What parts of my current identity or way of relating need to be sacrificed to pursue that kind of all-in obedience, and am I willing to break old agreements and let go of things that feel incredibly comfortable and humble myself and do whatever it takes?  I sincerely hope so!

Paul says everything else is rubbish compared to knowing Christ, and I want to live that out and believe it more deeply in the core of my being.  The sin lines feel blurry for me, and I need God to help me reset my conscience to hear His conviction more clearly, without being excessive or overcomplicating it all by fixating on things that are not truly sin.  We all have to discern between the enemy speaking shame/condemnation (which destroys) vs. God's conviction (which transforms).  And I need to believe with confidence that God is kind and forgiving and still loves me deeply, that He is worthy of my total surrender, and that nothing I ever give up here compares to the eternal reward He offers.  He is not taking things away without offering something in return.  He has good gifts and wants good things for us: abundant life, strong relationships, and a future that reflects His character and goodness! ❤

Okay then, good talk. lol  (If any of this resonates, I would welcome honest conversations and would definitely appreciate your prayers as I keep sifting through it all with God.)

Much lighter post coming next! ❤️