The Will to Live

I hosted LifeGroup this afternoon... it was me, Natalie, and Josie, and we had a pretty in-depth talk that lasted almost three hours!  I also made these, a classic summer treat in my book. =)

Whilst I was enjoying Chet's party in Tulsa yesterday, my parents were being awesome and getting my porch and flower bed company-ready (unprompted and unexpected - but I'm very grateful)!  Pics are thanks to the doorbell camera. =)

Just a meme that made me laugh!

I'm a fan of Matt Damon (forever Jason Bourne in my book), Anne Hathaway, and especially Tom Holland, but I still did *not* love The Odyssey.  I'd write more on that, but it feels like a waste of energy.

Another meme I saved that caught my attention.

Okay, diving deeper.  One year ago yesterday, I officially signed the contract as the adoptive mother to two frozen-embryo babies.  

(I have a screenshot of the paperwork, but there are too many personal details there to share it publicly.)

I'll acknowledge that all of my emotions are heightened and a little extra-sensitive at this time of the month, but I am feeling real grief today and trying to be gentle with myself.  It's hard for me to look back at the blog posts from July of 2025 - I had just started the PhD program, I had opened a website and I was counseling several new clients at ITS, I had an appointment with Dallas IVF where I was (mistakenly) cleared for the embryo transfer, and I was so full of hope and joy and nervous excitement for all the great things ahead.  I feel deeply aware of all the potential imagined futures that I will not get to live out, and that feels hard right now.  

It honestly makes it hard to set new goals and get my hopes up today... and I know this isn't the first time I've written about that here, but I'm still processing some of it (and that's okay).  It's normal to feel fresh waves of grief at the one-year mark.  And I'm working through that, doing my best to trust that God was working things out for my good and His glory back then and now, and I can keep moving forward with hope and confidence in His goodness, believing He is leading me toward a hope and a bright future with Him.  

Ironically, that is much, much easier for me to believe in the overarching perfected Kingdom of Heaven sense than the messy-here-on-earth sense.  It's a good and rare thing to have that ultimate hope so centered in my heart, but I need a bit more grounded hope for my life HERE and now - that is sketchy at the moment.

Between reading through Job recently, praying for Nancy's situation, hearing Josie's story today, and the recent news on Tina's husband, I've been thinking a lot about long roads to recovery, the will to live, and the sovereignty of God.

"You can make many plans,
but the Lord's purpose will prevail." 
~Proverbs 19:21

I believe that is meant to be comforting, not threatening or ominous, but it is undoubtedly hard when our hopes, efforts, and plans come to nothing.  Still, I am also working on remembering who I am, what I value most, and what I hope to be known for in the end.  As well as praying about how to better align my heart with God's higher purpose for me and the world at large.

Also reminding myself that there are people I deeply respect who sincerely believe in me and see something real that God put inside me to help others... a PROFOUNDLY encouraging thought right now.

It is genuinely okay if motherhood and marriage are not a part of God's best plan for me.

(It would be okay if counseling and/or getting a doctorate and/or publishing a book are not either.)

But I desperately want to live a life that matters in an eternal sense,
that is fruitful and God-honoring and relationally rich.

And I'm excited to have some quiet time to really connect with God and lean into seeking Him over the next couple weeks.  I'm throwing out the mental to-do list and putting that front and center during the Alaska cruise ahead.  It feels like such good timing.  (Prayers appreciated).

Okay, friends.  I love you and believe in you.  I am cheering for you, and I'm thankful that our God is kind and gentle with us when we are hurting.  I believe there is a great cloud of witnesses who are cheering us on -- some in Heaven and some on earth -- so take courage, and keep moving forward.  Our emotions can distort the truth, so don't let them rule you.  God is with us and for us day by day, with good plans in mind for each of us, both when we meet Him in Heaven and right here on earth!!

"Let us press on to know Him."

❤ ❤ ❤

Photo Friday!

Happy Friday, friends and fam - I hope it's a lovely weekend ahead for you!!

Here's me returning from my delightful lunch-hour jog around the neighborhood on Thursday.  I was in my 7-minute cooldown walk at the end, about half a block away from my house when the smallest raindrops started.  That became a downpour in about five seconds, and I was DRENCHED - clothes and shoes soaked through, makeup had to be redone, and hair had to be re-blow-dried before our Tulsa protest hearing started back (via Zoom) at 1:30.  Ridic. lol  Perhaps I'll go with a Peloton ride next time!

Ted's dinner with the fam + Bill and Jill last week, followed by a Starbucks hangout with Triston! ❤

Mamaw with J&K

Me with T-man and K-Faith (J was getting a pic with Bill & Jill)

Jill brought Jaceman a Wemby card, and this is him trying on their Spurs Championship replica ring (that all the fans were given during the season opener game in 2014).  Jill used to live in San Antonio, so she and Jace had a lot to say about Spurs basketball! =)

❤ So glad Bill is making progress!

Nancy is in better spirits lately, feeling thankful that God protected them!  It's a long road to recovery ahead with some big decisions still looming, so please continue to pray for Sarah and her family!

Wise advice - Enneagram 9s really struggle with this (knowing what we actually want for ourselves outside of how it affects everyone else), so I'm trying to test things this way moving forward.  Well, this and prayer. lol

Happy Birthday-Eve to Chettles, who had some early celebrations today over coffee with Tyler and Debbie, then Burn Co. BBQ lunch with the guys!!

Seeing the four of them together always makes me happy... it also makes me miss Mark Anthony, but I'm thankful the Shoemakers are loving being near their families back in Texas!

Kudos to Carter Lee, who is currently leading the Steer Wrestling competition

Fun Flashback Friday pic of Pastor Craig and Chet Lee, circa 2011! lol

This hit me, you guys... the degree to which I sometimes struggle to tell which one I am in is absurd.  It's the difference in positive and negative stress - are we being productive and working toward something meaningful or just spinning our wheels on a project that is going nowhere?  Running a difficult hill in the race God marked out for us, or heading toward a dead end?  I am tired of dead ends, and I want to be moving in the path of life and building something beautiful with God's help.

On a not-altogether-unrelated note...
Dear Solid Christian Single Men,
You have one year!

By all means, step up your game.

❤ Lindsey Claire ;-)

It's a Saturday and everything -- the actual perfect wedding date, albeit a full 20 years and 10 days later than the 7-7-07 Saturday wedding I once planned! lol

Gracious.  Honestly, I do feel genuinely tired at the moment, and I need a friend to speak life over my heart in all of this right now...

I have built a life that I love,
and I still have things that I want.

❤
God has heard you every time you pray.
It is in His heart to give you the life story
that brings Him the most glory
and brings you a lot of joy
and moves the gospel forward!

God has ENOUGH GOOD THINGS for all of us.  Not one of my friends has married the man I'm supposed to be with.  And no one is birthing a child I was meant to birth.  No matter what, you are not going to miss God's best plan for you if you are pursuing God's best plan for you, and if you say to Him: I want in my life what You have for me!  

 The person you can trust the most to handle your pain the best is God.  I feel so lucky that I can process every moment of every relationship with God.  I'm not alone; He's right there with me.  I have learned very profoundly that Jesus is the primary relationship of my life!   

Your words have the power of life and death.  Speak life over yourself:  I'm available to relationship.  I am working on my mental and emotional and spiritual and physical health, and that is going to make me better in relationship than I would have been yesterday.  I am open to meeting someone new.  I am available for relationship.  I am not married yet, but I hope to be.  I do not have kids yet, but I hope to.  

Using that life-giving language affects the world you live in.

God, You are kind.
God, You are good.
God, You are for me.
God, You are working everything out according to Your will.
God, You care about every detail of my life.  

Friends, God loves you.
And God sees you.
And you are going to be okay.

I promise in the long run, you are going to be okay.  There is not one story in my life in any area where I have not been able to look back on when it was done and say, that was God, and that was His kindness.  Even if I lost a relationship or a person or in tragedy, He still is God, and He is still kind!"

❤ Annie F. Downs
TSF Q&A: Singleness Podcast, 8-18-21

Happy Friday!

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Best of Both Worlds!

This makes me very happy.  Me with my feet in the pool + J&K swimming, and it shows the view of the Tinker Air Force Base fireworks show from my parents' backyard -- there's a perfect clearing between the trees, and their 250th-year fireworks show lasted around 20 minutes!!

So in the end, I'm thankful for the 4th of July storm - for starters, it made my evening at the Wilsons' more memorable, and same for J&K's time with their Dad in Mustang... then we all got to come together, along with my Aunt Charlene, for the postponed TAFB fireworks show last night!  I would very much appreciate this always being a two-day event so that I can celebrate with both friends and family! =)

These are my new Nike Alphafly running shoes... very cushioned and lightweight and recommended by my online running coach, and they felt great on my test run! =)  Excited to train for the Route 66 Half ahead... I'll be printing my official training plan later today!

Last night also included a belated birthday dinner for Kristin at The Ranch in Norman!  It was a last-minute change of plans after we learned Gaberino's closes on Sunday, and it did not disappoint.  We spent a couple hours catching up on everything - (yay for her and Rach both joining me in the 40s club now)!  I had their beef medallions, and she got the scallops, then we shared the fried okra, au gratin potatoes, bananas foster, and cinnamon roll bread pudding desserts!  "Nom nom for us, David!" =)

Saw the Young Washington with Mom and Dad yesterday afternoon... it's the part of George Washington's life I knew very little about, so it was interesting to learn what shaped him and how he became the respected first leader of our nation... I had assumed with the Independence Day weekend release that it would be at least a little focused on the Revolutionary War period and the building of America, and it really was not at all.  Bottom right pic = catching up on life over dessert post-fireworks!

Dad and Charlene behind me on one side, Mom and Rach on the other, my feet in the pool, and a really great fireworks show!

K-Faith beginning a very long and detailed account of their weekend + Jace re-enacting part of it for us! lol

❤ Happy 250th Birthday to America! ❤

And happy 5th of July from all of us! lol

Charlene had just gotten back from her Alaska cruise with Dana and the Myricks, so it was good to get some details about all of that as I prep for mine 22 days from now!!  Yay for the possibility of seeing eagles and whales - I'm so looking forward to a restful and refreshing week there!

Just a friendly reminder that God is with you and for you, having good plans for your future!

I'm feeling this one lately.
If I had to sum it up in a word, it'd be RENEWAL. ❤

  I've been off of GLP-1s for a couple months now.  And yes, my appetite for food has gradually increased... but so has my appetite/energy/zest for LIFE - for trying new things, seeing new possibilities, setting new goals, etc.  Bible reading, leading lifegroup, run training, Club Pilates, book writing, public speaking, all coming off of mute in the background.  Staying healthy will be more challenging (the protein goal is decidedly helpful there), but it's important to me not to numb my desires or emotions or hopes for reward moving forward!  #chooselife  I want to live a full and expansive life, not to settle for a low-energy imitation/sensation of fullness.  Lots of complex thoughts about that topic, but I'll save them for the book!

Hope you had a lovely weekend, and I hope your week is off to a great start!

❤ ❤ ❤

Life Lately...

Hey, friends and family!  Hope you're having a delightful weekend so far. ❤

This = me and Kristin walking toward each other from opposite sides of The Station on Wednesday. lol

It felt like a dramatic movie moment.  Their parking lot is so full (thanks to the pool being open this month) that we had to park on opposite sides of the lake.  Once we met in the middle, we had a lovely Wednesday walk and talk! =)

This = Tman heading into Holly's apartment for part two of his time in Colorado.  I came back home so I wouldn't miss too many workdays, but he stayed at her place (while she was in Vegas from Monday to Thursday) and explored more of Colorado.  He was able to meet with two of the mentors from Holly's company, another engineer friend of hers, and his favorite former teacher from CHA (who moved to CO a couple years back).  He also got to explore Breckenridge, brainstorm new business ideas, take the train to Boulder, walk around Cherry Creek, buy some groceries at Trader Joe's, and experience being in the apartment on his own for a few days.  I picked him up at the airport on Thursday night, and it was uplifting to hear how well things had gone for him!

The Mini Miss K is making this awesome gift for her best friend, Ellery!

I love her creativity and attention to detail, and the thoughtful effort she's putting in for her friend!

A screen background that made me happy when my computer rebooted.  I love this whole office room, honestly!  A cozy home workspace I don't wanna be forced to leave any time soon. lol

AFD and JW - all of her wedding planning posts are fun to read lately!

K-Faith is the best. lol  Huzzah for winning this trivia game... Dad was watching Jace play basketball, so only Mom and I played.  We both knew most of the answers, but I was faster to click the right button on my phone. lol

The KiwiCo gift subscription I got Tate for his 8th bday was a solid choice... this is the archery kit he built - Karli said it's been a hit with both kids, so I'm thrilled to hear that!  And on the right is preshface Parker being adorable with her mermaid Barbie.  (The Petite Princess subscription I got for her has been less than stellar so far - I need them to step it up and be more timely, as the thought of her running to the mailbox excited then coming back emptyhanded is the very saddest!)

Yay, new flowers (planted by Bobby) in my mini-flowerbed!

Speaking of flowers, in a surprising move, Rachael planted some flowers in her front yard her very own self, then she had an entertaining convo with ChattyG (as she calls it) about how they were doing.  This screenshot made Triston and I pretty happy! lolol  (And yes, I acknowledge it's a little creepy that it's telling her it "feels invested" and asking for more pics and saying they'll get through it together if the flowers die - the degree to which it is trained to act as a friend/therapist is pretty fascinating.)

Precious Tom Holland... playing the oldest brother in The Impossible (the tsunami movie), then today.  He and Glen Powell are my top two actors at the moment - I find Tom incredibly endearing.  His podcast interview with Amy Poehler was great... he talked about being severely dyslexic and having never hosted SNL because he tends to freeze when he has to read something aloud and worries about how he would handle the cue cards.  He always tries to memorize his lines for script read-throughs.  It just made me like him even more (as if Spider-Man and this epic performance weren't enough).

In other news, I hosted the Heal Out Loud women's LifeGroup for the second time yesterday.  We had an in-depth discussion of Psalm 139, then Katie shared her story with us.  Here's me, Haley, Natalie and Walker, Ashley, Josie, and Katie - thankful for this group and for the opportunity to host and lead this summer - it's been good for me in lots of ways!

Yesterday was also Mom and Dad's 45th Anniversary!!
Pics = her cooking and him washing dishes at a recent family dinner - (the only candid I threw in, but I'm grateful for their kindness and hospitality and they way they help/serve each other), 2013 anniversary dinner, after Grandad's graveside service 2019, their wedding day 1981, family dinner for T's graduation celebration, Mom's 70th birthday, their 40th Anniversary at Charleston's, Thanksgiving dinner at Justin's, and the ferry ride on our NYC trip!

❤

A CCU friend who is turning 30 this month had a dramatically-themed party that included cookies mourning her youth and a scavenger hunt at a real local cemetery (where I sincerely hope they planned the timing extra carefully).

*This is one of the most playful people I know, so I'm certain it was well-intended and a joyful time with her friends, and I sincerely hope her decade milestone bday ahead is fantastic!!

...Maybe it's because I've experienced intense grief along with genuine suicidality several years back, but I typically cannot get on board with jokes about death - even the skull memes and "I died" laughing trend is *not* a fit for me.  I have learned that our words have a spiritual and physical impact, "the power of life and death" as God put it -  and we can choose to speak life and hope and renewal, trusting that we can embody youthful energy, be kind to our inner child, and create fun memories with the people we love right up until God takes us to Heaven, where those things will literally never die again!!

On a related note, when I finish this blog, I will be writing a card for Kristen's parents, as the one-year anniversary of her death is fast approaching.  The front of the card is this verse:  "There are in the end three things that last: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love." ~1 Cor. 13:13
I am very grateful that Christ-centered faith, hope, and love never die. ❤

The fam (+ Ellery) after our dinner at BJ's last night! ❤

My Biscoff pizookie - shared with Mom and Rach and it was still unfinished, but yum!

I've watched a couple of the MasterClass videos from Shade Zahrai lately (pronounced Shaw-day, and writing it that way just made me think of Usher. lol)  She authored the Big Trust book on overcoming self-doubt that I loved.  In one of her classes, she talked about how she wasn't sure getting her PhD was worth the effort, and how there is great value in "the applied practitioner approach" (distilling complex academic research and presenting the information in a way that helps laypeople understand the core concepts and learn something valuable).  Mel Robbins, Brene Brown, Vanessa Van Edwards, and Beth Moore all do this well, and in every case, that is soooo much closer to what I want for my future than writing and publishing textbooks or rigorous academic papers full of terms most people would not understand or connect with.  I'm after heart connection that leads to Kingdom impact!

So I'm very grateful to Allen Levi for his rules of writing that sparked a lot of this thought process, and to Shade for that insight that allowed me to put clear language to something I've been feeling/thinking for a while now.  It's all starting to come together internally, and I've created a plan to write a solid book draft (not a memoir, but an accessible book that will incorporate pieces of my story along with Biblical truth and evidence-based research on learned helplessness, personal agency, and post-traumatic growth - yes, puh-lease!) I have a working title and clear chapter ideas and everything - yay!!  More on that as I move forward.  (I could absolutely sift through the research and write this book right now, but there is a sincere question/curiosity in my mind about whether the LPC and PhD would make my writing feel more credible here, so I may set up a meeting with Dr. Burkhart to discuss all of the above now that I'm beginning to see the end-goal and my desired reading audience more clearly, which all feels exciting and hopeful.)

Okay then!  Happy Sunday, Happy Flag Day, and Happy Bday to JMM! lol #neverforget  I hope it's a wonderful day and week ahead for you!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Timelines and Testimonies

Happy last day of May!!

We had a pizza party at Mom and Dad's to watch Game 7 of the Playoffs last night... a sad loss for the Thunder, but at least the Jaceman was happy!!

Watching the game, Paris (Bill & Jill's dog - Jill used to live in San Antonio), and the Spurs with their trophy!

GIF of Jace high-fiving Wemby at the beginning of Game 5 (the white hand closest to the camera on the left).  It made his day!

Sour Patch Kids' marketing team is the best... the "first they're sour, then they're sweet" commercials are the cutest, and seeing this nonsense brought me instant joy (in spite of it being fake news in my personal life at times). lol

Speaking of cuteness, here's Katie and Kaden after his Kindergarten graduation - little kids in caps and gowns is so adorable to me!!

Nana with Carter and Emberlee as he was competing in the high school rodeo finals this past week!

Cousin pics from 18 years ago this week... 2008 sincerely does not seem that far back to me!!

Also in that Shutterfly stack was this gem when we were grabbing a few things from 9121 for my move to 522 in the summer of 2007... Dad, Grandad, Babah, Rach, and Emily.

And this gem - my last-ever photo with JMM from June of '07 - (I never loved it as he'd just gotten a buzz cut and didn't look like the version of himself I was accustomed to, and I was wearing vertical stripes, which are almost always a mistake without a sweater or overshirt to change up the angle).  It's crazy to think that Triston is now the age Josh was here... and wearing his own Harvard shirt from the Senior trip to Boston!

Mini Miss K and her friends playing cards at Mom and Dad's... she opted not to swim that day because "Well, I just got my hair done, and it looks really good!" lol  She's not wrong.

I hosted, led, and shared my testimony and the condensed version of my life story with my women's LifeGroup on Saturday.  I'm thankful to say it went well, and we had a memorable discussion about Psalm 23 and Psalm 34.  It had a strengthening effect on me to really think through the whole timeline of my story again, to consider new ways I can see God's hand in it, and to specifically speak the gospel part of it out loud this time as I recounted the story of Mom leading me to Christ!!

❤

We're doing "Psalms and Stories" this summer - reading through and discussing Psalms then getting into our personal stories and walks with God.  I wrote mine out before sharing to help myself mentally organize it, and the themes I saw paired well with Christine Caine's email today:  "He's not distant or disinterested.  He's not too busy or too important.  He misses you when you drift.  He's calling you to come back, to come close, to come home.  God's heart is revealed throughout Scripture.  He wants relationship with you."

Hosting also inspired me to fully clean my house for the first time in a minute, so I had to snap some photos of everything looking put together!

The final portion of what I shared yesterday...

My favorite things about Jesus:

• His fiercely protective strength on behalf of His people
• His delight in the details of our lives

Looking back, I see a few themes in my story:  I am very relational, and I've spent a lot of my life looking for belonging in close relationships.  All while God has continually reminded me that my deepest belonging is found in Jesus - I belong to Him and I belong with Him.

I've learned to hold on to Kingdom hope and remember that we rarely understand the full picture while we're living through it.  One of my favorite verses says: “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."  ~I Corinthians 13:12

And finally, God is far more attentive, personal, and involved than I once believed.  I don’t always understand what He is up to even now, but I will know it completely in Heaven (if not before).  And I know with confidence today that He loves me deeply, He cares about every detail of my life, and He deserves the highest place of honor in my heart!

Okay, friends... 5 months down, 7 to go... here's my 1SE video for 2026 so far!

 ❤ ❤ ❤