A Time to Keep and a Time to Cast Away

Happy New Year's Eve!! ❤

This = tonight's Wednesday walk with Kristin and a pic by the train at The Station - if you blur your eyes, it kinda looks like NYE fireworks going off behind us! lol

Happy trees and my favorite verse as today's verse of the day!

Jace and TJ riding the bikes they got for Christmas (and Kyndal joining them for a bit)!  They rode from Rachael's house to Mom's house, which sounds slightly worrisome to me, but I'm sure they had fun!

Okay, the following prompts are courtesy of ChatGPT, who I often wanna call Chattles, but that would just get confusing. lol

❤️ Best of 2025

• Best Decision I Made This Year:  Setting boundaries and sticking with a difficult no

• Best Yes I Said (Even Though It Scared Me):  Joining the PhD Program

• Best Trip / Day / Moment:  My solo trip to NYC / Relay Marathon + Friendsgiving #14 / Reaching onederland for the first time since 2009

• Best Book That Changed How I Think:  Collective Illusions

• Best Podcast:  Mel Robbins & David Kessler or Craig Groeschel (Leadership Podcast) & Vanessa Van Edwards 

• Best Laugh:  The ER trip with Rach

• Best New Restaurant / Comfort Food:  Paul's Place / Laurannae cupcakes

• Most Life-Giving Relationship:  Friendship with Chet Lee

• Most Unexpected Encourager:  Dr. Burkhart

• Most Meaningful Goodbye:  My long phone call with Kristen Harriss the week before she died

• Most Honest Prayer:  None of this makes sense - where are You?

• Most “God Was Quiet but Present” Season:  August

• Biggest Shift in What I’m Asking God For:  Asking for renewed security in Him

• Most Healing Scripture or Truth:  "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." -1 Timothy 1:7

• What I’m Leaving in 2025:  Striving to prove my value within the church through motherhood and/or marriage

• What I’m Carrying Forward:  God-given value

• What I’m Still Becoming:  Securely attached

• One Word I’m Choosing for Next Year:  Renewal

• One Thing I’m No Longer Rushing:  Family

• One Thing I’m Saying Yes to Next:  Peace

• The Decision That Taught Me the Most:  Adopting the Embryos

• Most Unexpected Plot Twist:  Turning down two good counseling job offers and taking another court reporting job for now

• Best Moment That Wasn’t on My 2025 Bingo Card:  Dr. Burkhart saying I would be a great professor and being willing to personally mentor me

• Hardest Thing I Did—and Survived:  Quietly walking away from my decade+ adoption plan and trying to make sense of that whole journey

• Most Proud-of-Myself Moment:  The cold and rainy February day when I rallied and ran 14 miles on my own (my longest run ever up to that point) - of all my runs this year, that one required the most inner grit

• Most “Why Did I Say Yes?” Moment:  Hitting the mental wall during Mile 22 of the Full Marathon - grateful I pushed through it

• Most Spiritually Stretching Season:  August & September

• Biggest Lesson I Didn’t See Coming:  That I am good with kids, and I can trust that (Epiphany on Epiphany post), and because of that, I don't have to strive or prove my value within the church through motherhood

• Most Peace I’ve Felt All Year:  Immediately after making the decision to close the door on embryo adoption - that peace lasted about 24 hours before I got very caught up in the whirlwind of spiritual warfare and worry over the opinions of others, but it was a God-given sense of peace that eventually returned as I prayed and got more confirmation there.

• Most Unhinged Thought:  "Okay, I'm totally calling Rachael on my drive back (from Dallas IVF) to find out if she's still willing to carry the baby for me!" *That was while waiting on Dr. Ku's ultrasound after my heart sank hearing about the fibroids, BUT then he said all was well to move forward so I was overjoyed and never made that phone call... he left a voicemail the very next day saying we would need to run further tests, then no one in OKC could do the test he ordered and it took over a month to get back into their office, then I needed another surgery to move forward, and by then, my mindset had shifted very gradually - I am seeing God's hand and timing in all of that now in ways I really couldn't before.  Most people will never get the depth of it, and that's okay.  At least I'm familiar with ambiguous grief.  For the level of inner determination I felt, I had to adopt the embryos.  I had to spend the money and try the IUIs and at-home insemination and do the home studies and profile books and sign the legal contracts and have the surgeries and be repeatedly disappointed and hear the hard medical news (2x about me and 2x about nonviable embryo matches) and deeply question God's will and my abilities then repetitively seek wise counsel and reassuring words from Chet, Mom, Emily, Kristin, etc. and go through that ENTIRE exhausting emotional path in order to ever reach the end of my rope and prayerfully choose to let. this. go.  "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away," and both seasons mattered deeply for me here. ❤  I kind of feel like I am saying a final goodbye to that hope here as this year comes to a close, and it's bringing up some quiet grief and sadness for me (an odd contrast as I listen to my neighbors holding a comically-loud NYE party).  Knowing how to move forward with a sense of purpose is still tricky and difficult, and I'm choosing not to tie a neat bow over that wound today.

• Phrase That Describes This Year:  Learning Curve

Praying God blesses us with hope and peace as we seek Him in 2026!

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Ballets and Birthdays

Today was Parker Elizabeth's ballet performance in The Nutcracker with her Destiny Dance class!  It seemed like all of Tulsa showed up for it. lol The Union High parking lot was crazy crowded!

Yay for this group pic, and yay for this group! ❤

Karli Marie and Parker E pic before Act 1 - (she performed in Act 2).

Her presh ballet bun with the netting makes me happy, and her new unicorn made her very happy! lol

Screenshots from my video... she was the cutest lil' baker and seemed very excited to be on stage!

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Karli sent me these from her professional photo shoot - apparently, she was not a very willing participant that day. lol

Thankfully, she was a delight for tonight's performance! ❤

And got some ice cream to celebrate that! =)

Yay for our Mission BBQ dinner, and yay for Andy's dessert!  We had the place to ourselves on this extra-cold night!  Also, I ordered what I usually get at Freddy's... much like my Chicken Express vs. Charlie's Chicken mixup last week - what on earth!?  lol

And last but never least, Happy 36th Birthday to Taylor Alison today!  I definitely did the heart-hands along with the Eras crowd in theaters and while watching the docu-series alone in my living room last night. lolol

She was born on the 13th, and her birthday marks 13 days until Christmas - fun!

(And Taylor's lucky #13 + Travis' football #87 = 100.)  Get excited! ;-)

Okay, I'm off to watch episode two of that docu-series on Disney+ now.  Hope you've had a delightful Saturday!  I love you and believe in you, and I hope you pursue peace with God, yourself, and others today.

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Marble Jars and Kingdom Hope

What. a. Preshface!! ❤

She was so proud showing me how she could write her name - YAY, every letter was exciting, and I applauded her!  She even threw in a faux-cursive signature under the print... coming back in dramatically to dot her i's, so it must have been her middle or last name. lol ;-)  I like that she took her time and alternated pink and purple markers and drew blanks for all her letters before filling them in.  I also like that they had been home all day, but she chose to wear her fancy Christmas dress around the house! lol  She's the very best.

This = Tate showing me the origami section he liked in The Highlights Book of Things to Do, then showing me several paper hats and cups he had already made following the book's instructions! ❤

Childhood me would have loved this book - anything with unique/random facts or creative, kid-friendy project ideas was interesting and fun to me!  I bought it a few years back, along with some great Christian books, as gifts for my future child/children.  In the process of reorganizing my home and paring down my book collection -- and in the aftermath of letting go of embryo adoption -- I decided it was healthier to let those books go too.  I donated loads of my recently used books to Goodwill, but I gave all the children's books I'd been saving to the wonderful Wilson fam, knowing they read to their children and have two young kids and one on the way... and it made me really happy to see Tate enjoying it!!

Him in his Santa hat with his origami hat collection and her on her tiptoes in her fancy Christmas dress -- I just really love them both, and I am infinitely grateful for my friendship with their family. ❤

As I left work on Thursday, I got an unexpected email from the GoFundMe account for Kristen Harriss.  Her parents were writing a final message to sincerely thank everyone who had donated and to share that the support meant a lot to them and to Kristen, in spite of things not turning out the way we all had hoped.  They also explained that there was a small surplus of money that they would be donating to a children's charity in Kristen's name, as kids were always near and dear to her heart.  That hit me hard, as did the idea of this being their first Christmas without her.  The holiday season always amplifies things (the joys and the struggles), and I'm feeling some lingering sadness and heaviness and maybe a bit of fear about the idea of not becoming a mom and what that means for me moving forward.  Praying for Jesus to catch my heart on that, and reminding myself to appreciate all the beauty that is present now.

The Wilsons are high on that list for me - I joined them for dinner before Kelly's Favorite Things Party on Friday, then saw them again for Chet's favorite party of the year tonight!

I got some quality time with this mini-BFF, Parker Elizabeth, on both days.

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Brene Brown uses a marble jar metaphor for trust, saying that as relationships develop over time, we add marbles to the jar as people prove themselves trustworthy, and we subtract them when people hurt or betray our trust...

"When we think about betrayal in terms of the marble jar metaphor, most of us think of someone we trust doing something so terrible that it forces us to grab the jar and dump out every single marble. What’s the worst betrayal of trust? He sleeps with my best friend. She lies about where the money went. He/she chooses someone over me. Someone uses my vulnerability against me (an act of emotional treason that causes most of us to slam the entire jar to the ground rather than just dumping out the marbles). All terrible betrayals, definitely, but there is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust.

In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would say disengagement.

When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain - there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making."

~Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

This helped me, and for those who have experienced this form of betrayal, I hope this quote helps you feel less alone or irrational in the middle of your pain.  It HURTS when someone you love disengages and gradually pulls away, and you typically know it long before anyone outside the relationship notices anything is wrong.  I have been guilty of this myself at times as well as being on the receiving end of it.  It's the passive-aggressive and cowardly choice, and I hope to choose courage from today forward.  Don't play games or just hope someone gets the hint, but be honest with people if you're upset with them or you want to redefine the relationship.  Be hot or be cold, but don't be lukewarm.  That's my free advice for the day. :)

~Blog excerpt from August 2014 Lindsey

I saw Brene's video (below) on that topic this morning, which inspired me to find that old blog post.  It goes along with a lot of my deeper thoughts and what I'm seeing/experiencing with friendships lately.  Disengagement is a low-level, lazy form of betrayal, and staying engaged is a high-level, intentional way to let your people know they matter.  Showing up, showing interest and excitement, genuinely caring... it matters every time!

And on that note, Chettles is a proven and trusted "marble jar friend" for me, and I'm thankful for the big and small ways he consistently shows up for his family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.  

Fun fact: These pics are exactly 15 years apart.  Joining the ridiculously early morning Today Show crowd in NYC December 2010, then a random pic with the Thunder-Chet sign his neighbor brought tonight! lol

Final subject change:  While catching up with Paul and Stephanie, I mentioned that I would likely be moving back to Tulsa sometime in the next couple years.  Paul quietly said, "I remember why you moved down there - how is the adoption journey going for you?"  It was really kind, and it caught me off guard.  I cleared my throat and stammered out a slightly awkward but sincere "Thank you for asking" before briefly explaining that my pursuit of embryo adoption had ended after medical issues complicated things.  They truly understand, and we moved on to other topics without much issue, but I was genuinely glad that he asked and showed interest.

So as I sit in my beautifully cozy, quiet home and process this first week of truly fun Christmas parties and good conversations and ramped-up grief emotions and soooo much talk about family and children and new year hopes and dreams, all of the above feels like a very solid reminder for me to keep my heart anchored in Kingdom hope.  We have a heart designed for the unending family-style connections and redemptive joy and lasting purpose that will. be. ours. forever. in the Kingdom of Heaven, and all the lovely things we experience here will always be partial and incomplete by comparison.  So make the most of all the joy you are given here, but let your heart find rest in the firm and secure Kingdom hope we have through Christ!  The best is yet to come, truly.

 

In the meantime, remember that your presence matters - disengagement is a form of betrayal - show up for the people you care about, for the people who have been there for you!

Okay, friends!  I'll keep it lighter and post fun party pics tomorrow!!

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Thankful Thursday #235

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end."

~Lamentations 3:22

Today, I am thankful for:

1.  Mom's Christmas party with her work friends from yesteryear going really well last night!! Pic = Jane, Darlene, Becky, Cynthia, Gayla, Marilyn, Marcy, Mom, Melinda, and Theresa (their friend Lynn came later) ❤ Photo by me. =)

Mom and Dad's entire house is decked out for Christmas, and these ladies loved it!  Below = Mom with Theresa (lives in Tulsa, worked with mom in OK County) and Marcy (freelance CR, former OK County), then Mom and Gayla (her former bailiff)

Mom made brickle bars, PW sheet cake, lil' smokies, and queso, and catered in mini croissant sandwiches, broccoli salad, and grape salad from Chicken Salad Chick!  She had several drink options available, then Marilyn showed up with six bottles of wine, which made me laugh! =)  I helped set up and stayed for the first 45 minutes or so to take a few photos, but most of them were there for over 4 hours chatting and catching up on life!  Two of the women had worked at the OCC in the past and had good things to say about it, so that was encouraging for me! =)

2.  Mom also hosted the Mini Miss K and her friends for a party during their Thanksgiving break!  I feel like I say this about every age, but they're at such a fun age right now! =)  Rach took them to the OKC Zoo's Christmas lights thing after this!  (Below = Titus, Haydenn, Talon, Kyndal, Story, Hannah, and Collin)

3. My new Artisan-mini empire red KitchenAid mixer... another Black Friday purchase.  YAY, it's so pretty!!!  It's also heavier than I'd expected.  I'm happy just seeing it in my kitchen and excited to try it out soon! =)

4.  My new extra-comfy home office chair that I put together myself... love that it can be with or without arms for court reporting work!

5.  The new headboard for this new guest bed also arrived - putting that together and getting it set in place on my own was a chore, but I wasn't patient enough to wait for others to help me. lol  Super happy with this room now!

6.  And now I'm grateful for a spending break, that I don't have to buy anything big for a minute.  Between paying ahead for the Disney trip and getting the Peloton and all the above purchases and end-of-year dues, it's time to rein it in! 

7.  This timely reminder from an old blog post.  Be present and appreciate what's around you today.  Be here now! ❤

Happy Thursday, friends and fam!

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Thanksgiving Prayer

Day 27:  Write a prayer of thanks for this year’s blessings, challenges, and lessons.

Father God, 

I love You, I worship You, and I trust You.

Thank You for being faithful and kind and protective and empowering, weaving everything together for the good of those who love You!

Thank You for ALL the daily blessings and small joys You've given me, along with the big events and happy things You planned long ago for me to enjoy and celebrate in 2025 -- Mom's 70th birthday, a trip with Triston and a solo trip to NYC, Judge Golden's retirement, Jaceman becoming a teenager and stepping out of elementary school, Abby's graduation, a trip with Mom and a solo trip to Colorado, graduating with my Masters and stepping into CCU's doctoral program, Triston starting his Senior year and getting promising news on college scholarships, reaching a weight-loss milestone, training for and finishing a full marathon, Rach passing the CPC-A exam, adopting embryos, starting my LPC-Candidacy, Ashley Campbell's book release, finding my Heal Out Loud lifegroup community, the Wilsons' pregnancy and gender reveal party, Frankie's new job, Marilyn's recovery, having a paid-off home, the global impact of the Bible app, getting to join Chet for his marathon finish line, remixing my home and setting up a great office space, and landing a new job I'm truly excited to start next month!!  Thank You for the close relationships that make all of the above more meaningful and beautiful to me!

Thank You for Your timing and guiding my steps and challenging me to grow in new ways this year -- for being with me and for me even as I received more painful medical news at Dallas IVF, for giving me all the courage and relational support I needed to finally step back from the adoption path, for timely books and podcasts, for repentance and grace, for meaningful counseling sessions with Emily and consistent support and wisdom from Chet Lee, for the defining mentorship of Dr. Burkhart (and wise words from Dr. Elliott and Dr. Robinson) that challenged me to stay in the PhD program when I wanted to leave, for challenging me to step up in integrity, for wisdom to navigate hard situations with aging parents, for prompting a timely friendship connection and for the beautiful ceremony honoring the life of Kristen Harriss, for what I learned through rejection and confusion as I applied and interviewed for so. many. jobs. this year, for supportive friends and family, for what You taught me through my clients and how you worked through me in counseling sessions at ITS, for a growing and shifting understanding about my future career path, and for increasing calm and clarity after a lot of inner chaos in 2025.  Thank You for Your faithfulness and for the legit gift of writing to help me process ALL of the above!!

Thank You for Your promise that You never abandon us and that nothing can separate us from Your love.  Thank You for the cloud of witnesses cheering me on and for the anchoring hope of spending eternity with You.  Thank You for rich conversations, good music and books and movies, football games, outdoor walks, family dinners, naps, volleyball tournaments, ballet recitals, school programs, birthday celebrations, live musicals, delicious food, fun projects, growing friendships, all the things I'm learning, and all the things I am so looking forward to -- and thank You that Heaven will be a serious upgrade on everything we love and enjoy here!  Thank You for the quiet failures, the funerals, rejection letters, hard conversations, painful goodbyes, ambiguous grief, and other sharp reminders of our human frailty (that we are all subject to death and decay here) - and for the way these things increase our hope for Heaven.  Our time here is short, and our calling is opposed.  I need Your grace, Your armor, Your wisdom, and Your presence today, Lord!  Give me eyes to see what matters and a heart that cares enough to engage and act boldly.  Help me to walk in love and joy and peace, to think and speak in ways that honor You, and to always be thankful!!

Thank You for loving me and believing in me and making my paths straight.  Thank You that I belong to You, and I always belong with You, and I am never alone!  I still have questions about what lies ahead, but I am trusting You, O Lord, saying, "You are my God." My future is in Your hands!

In the authority of Jesus' name,

Amen. ❤

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, BLOG FAM!!
Thank you for being here - it means a lot!

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"Chet Pack" Relay Team!

This morning was the 20th Annual Route 66 Marathon in Tulsa!!

Then tonight was the 14th annual Friendsgiving dinner at the Wilsons! =)

This = our pre-race team pic (minus Evan) at Whataburger last night - YAY, relay team!

Packet pickup at the Civic Center!

Yay, new Swiftie hat... fun!!  Boo, ingrown toenail... ouch - Advil was my friend! lol

Moss fam at dinner last night! =)

Meeting these guys at the Start Line around 7:30 this morning!

Chet's Fleet Feet Coach and pacer, Meeyoun!

Their training team!

100 pounds of confetti at the Start Line!  Definitely found some that stayed with me when I got back to my hotel. lol

Pic with the blue whale mascot! lol

Chettles and JEM, Relay leg #2!  I walked in the wrong direction at least a mile trying to find Woodward Park, so I missed the exchange point with Evan, but I was so happy to catch them here!!

Next was meeting the Shoemaker fam near the next relay exchange zone!  The road closures made everything tricky, but the race day energy is pretty fun to me, and I was happy to be there for all of this!

Going strong at Mile 10!

Three of the best men I know... Mark Anthony, Jeffrey Edward, and Chet Lee!

JEM and I got a pic by the Route 66 bridge while enjoying the live saxophone music! =)

The wonderful Wilsons and Weatherfords!!  Pic by Rachel Elizabeth bc I was headed to my own Relay spot at this point!

Cutest little friends!

Made it to my spot near Tulsa University... I was about 45 minutes early, and it was super cold outside!  I had fun chatting with other relayers and watching the runners and the water stop girls, though!

Daniel and Chettles, just past Mile Marker 21!

We ran and smiled for the official race photographer right as my portion got started, then Chet saw this sign and quickly volunteered himself for this photo op. LOL

Chet's fam there to cheer us on between Mile 22 and 23 (same mile where they met me in OKC).  Love all the signs!

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Chet dealing with the pebble in his shoe; me being happy to sit down. lol

Chettles "leaning in" and embracing the delightful hills of Tulsa! lol

This one makes me happy! ❤

We (especially Chettles) were thrilled to see this sign marking the last .2 miles of the journey!!

We did it - huzzah - it feels very in character that I'm in a hoodie and pants while Chet's in shorts and a t-shirt!!

Celebration pic with the Shoemakers, Comers, Wilsons, and Weatherfords!!

Ran back to my hotel room to shower and change, DoorDashed H-Tea-O to the Wilson home, and got there at 5pm for a delicious Italian Friendsgiving feast!

Loved the conversations tonight -- love this group and super thankful for them!!

Today was really fun for me from start to finish!!  Chet so appreciated the relay team support, and I think all of us really enjoyed being a part of it.  I was thrilled to have the final leg with more photos and less running.  But seriously, round of applause for Chettles, who showed remarkable grit in finishing the marathon after being sick all week... then hosting everyone (27 people this year) for dinner a few hours later!

I wish him a well-deserved rest and recovery day tomorrow and a peaceful Thanksgiving week ahead!!  

(And better health pre-Disney Marathon on 1-11!)

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