Audiobook Club

I've made my way through nine audiobooks over the past two months, all of which I really enjoyed!  It was four personal memoirs, three fictional novels, one five-week daily devotional, and one self-help/psychology book.

Quick recaps and thoughts below...

Strangers
(by Belle Burden)

The Big Boo (Patreon Podcast) Book Club pick for May.  Like Lindsay Ferrier, Belle kept good notes throughout her marriage, and she does a great job of articulating her thoughts and emotions surrounding her husband abandoning her and her children, then gaslighting her and playing some petty , emotionally-abusive games in the process of their messy divorce.  She's a solid writer who articulates emotions well, but her mindset reflects some victim thinking and still valuing her ex too highly, so I hope she continues to overcome that and choose strength over smallness or learned helplessness.  *If I decide to push through and get my doctorate, my dissertation will either be on learned helplessness or self-doubt in women, or maybe how they work together, and how we can best overcome them!

Joyful Anyway
(by Kate Bowler)

Very well-written memoir, and the style of book I hope to author soon!  Kate has been through a lot, and she is a deep thinker and a Christian.  (She identifies as an Enneagram 2, but I would have assumed she was a 4.)  This is a collection of stories from her life, including a poignant conversation with a nurse at the hospital that brought me to tears (Kate is a stage 4 cancer survivor, and the nurse was a recent widow and the first person to tell Kate she was sorry for everything she had endured at the hospital - it got deep and real very quickly, and between that account and my memories of Kristen Harriss being stired up recently, it made an impact).  The theme, as you can probably gather from the cover and title, is that although life is really difficult sometimes, we can choose to hold firmly to our God-given joy.  (Having said that, it's the furthest thing from "toxic positivity" or encouraging people to feign happiness while ignoring deeper problems - Kate is not about that nonsense, and neither am I).

Walking With God
(by Beth Moore)

A wonderful devotional book that I listened to a little along over the past few months.  Toward the end, Beth has a chapter on the importance of writing your own story, if only to help you understand and make sense of what God is up to in your life and how He has been with you and for you all along.  It resonated for me and reignited my desire to write (which has felt very muted lately by the knowledge that I won't have a child of my own who might have the desire to learn more about me and read my book someday).  I'm climbing out of the self-pity, though, and realizing that many others might still benefit from what I have to share - myself included.  Beth also shared a chapter where she encourages the reader to interview someone whose walk with God they admire and want to emulate (including some potential questions you might ask them), and I plan to come back to that conversation with several people later!

Theo of Golden
(by Judge Allen Levi)

This book matters more deeply than most fictional stories. Highly recommend!! It is the debut novel by a small-town retired Christian Judge and singer named Allen Levi - fascinating. The story is exceptional, and the audiobook narrator also does a great job! I listened to the last 30 minutes while sitting in my recliner this very morning, then I just sat there and cried for a few minutes - (it's more emotionally/spiritually powerful than it is sad - so good). I bought it on Audible, and I have now ordered a paperback copy signed by the author (because it matters, and I want it on my shelf). It made me think often about Grandad and his tenderheartedness and conversational ability, about the purpose of great art and creativity - even when it goes unappreciated or undervalued, about the value of small acts of kindness, about veterans and homeless people and their untold stories and their desire to be seen and known, about the absurd and senseless damage one angry/violent person can do in a small amount of time, about forgiveness and pausing to really see the faces of the people we tend to dismiss or overlook, about the power of intergenerational friendships to change people... and most importantly, about how to subtly weave the gospel into both my writing and my real life interactions by loving others in a way that connects with and empowers them and inspires curiosity about my faith. Gracious, Judge Levi does an excellent job of weaving in the gospel message in an understated way throughout the book, then more directly toward the end. The one court story he tells was the most powerful chapter for me (chapter 42), and it made so much sense to me to learn that he was a former attorney and small-town Judge. Mostly, he shows the subtle power of living a humble life based on sincere Christian values! ...I hope this one becomes a movie with a solid director who knows what they are doing.

Big Trust
(by Shade Zahrai)

Pivotal for me, and helpful for anyone struggling with self-doubt!  Already wrote more about it HERE. ❤

The Light We Carry
(by Michelle Obama)

Another very well-written memoir!  This was her second book, but I read it first because I appreciated the title and was curious to know more.  It's a collection of stories throughout her life - her close friendships, her Dad's MS, the strong example set by both of her parents, her brother, their childhood, going to Princeton, her marriage, and her experiences with parenting, gardening, racism, personal growth, politics, navigating her public and private roles, going high when others go low, etc.  I would say the first book gives you more day-to-day details on her story, while this follow-up book dives more into how she has grown and all she has learned over the past 50+ years, so it was my favorite of the two!

Becoming
(by Michelle Obama)

Michelle's longer autobiography (a 19-hour audiobook) with more background info on her childhood, dating years, what shaped her values, her college experience, fertility struggles, motherhood, navigating criticism and dehumanization, the political rise of President Obama, her experiences as First Lady, etc.  I always appreciate when people narrate their own books!  (We don't see eye to eye on everything politically or spiritually, but she is a strong woman who commands respect, and this was a well written, vulnerable, and compelling memoir that was good for me to read!)

The Correspondent
(by Virginia Evans)

Also loved this novel from the perspective of a retired older woman who writes letters to various acquaintances, friends, and family members.  The entire book is composed of letters with chronological dates, and you gradually learn the story and the way the characters connect as you move through them.  It's a clever idea that is executed well here, and yet another book that shows the power of intergenerational friendships and small acts of courage and kindness!

Sunrise on the Reaping
(by Suzanne Collins)

The Hunger Games prequel with the story of Haymitch Abernathy competing in the 50th Hunger Games.   Interesting to get an inside look at this character, although parts of this book felt more brutal than the others, which doesn't fully track with the other stories happening years later.  It does give you a clear picture of how he became jaded and where he gets the trauma-based humor and protective strength.  We saw a preview for this movie recently -- (admittedly, all of the Hunger Games movies are set in a bizarre dystopian world) -- and it prompted Mom to say, "WHO would actually wanna go see that!?" lol  I laughed and raised my hand and said, "Meeee!  I'm almost done with the book, and it's been great!" =)

Listening to Joyful Anyway on one of my recent walks.

❤ ❤ ❤

The Storm of Self-Doubt

This book was a timely revelation and practically-helpful tool for me on the topic of self-doubt.  I listened to most of it during my drive home from seeing Annie and Eddie in Texas.  I had talked with Chet earlier that afternoon about how adrift I was feeling without the clear end goal of adoption.  He talked from his perspective about seeing all the doors God had opened for me with CCU, and it was a good (slightly jarring) reminder that it hasn't ALL been roadblocks and hurdles on the counseling journey...

It paired really well with the content of this book, and God used all of the above to inspire hope in me that this may not be the dead end I've been imagining.  Having some time to really think about my story and how much has shifted over the past two years was also helpful.  And in my own defense, there has been A LOT of change and loss to process, and I can see how I got here.  Somewhere between the weight loss surgery and recovery, the extra attention and inner/outer pressure to maintain a certain physical appearance whilst navigating hair loss and hormonal changes that would be difficult for any woman, the intense season of marathon training, trying and struggling to view myself as a "finisher" - someone who commits and finishes what she starts, the end of the master's program, the unexpected difficulty of finding a good counseling job, the hard situations and imposter syndrome in some of those early roles, the desire to bow out and disappear, getting into the PhD program, the high expectation and pressure to perform well while not feeling sure I really want to move forward there, facing the physical realities of aging and fibroids and repeated roadblocks head-on, letting go of my long-held adoption dream, quietly grieving that massive loss with precious little acknowledgement while trying to hold onto other dreams that were kind of rooted in that one, realizing how many of my dreams were tied to the idea of being a mom, pursuing the hope of dating whilst zero men are pursuing me, consistently trying to push back against the sense of feeling rejected/unworthy while also being uninspired by the pool of mediocre/passive men, navigating multiple dating apps and driving to another state for a date and staying open to friend set-ups while knowing there will always be others who believe I'm just not trying hard enough, getting raises and cushier job offers in court reporting while everyone keeps asking how my new counseling career is going, ambiguous grief and feeling unheard in certain family situations, and navigating a major friendship conflict and sharply critical/painful conversations there... it has all spiraled me into fairly crippling inner storm of shame and self-doubt, with an amped-up desire to numb out from the gnawing sense that nothing I do is ever quite enough.

Woof.  This book really opened my eyes to all of that, and now I believe God will help me rebuild my sense of identity and God-given power and authority!  I've always loved the verses that talk about Jesus teaching "with real authority, quite unlike their teachers of religious law."  I love and have always been drawn to people who speak with authority, who believe in themselves, lead well, and exude a genuine security and confidence that puts others at ease.  God is opening a few new doors, and I have some ideas brewing on what I want to pursue.  Whatever else I do with the remainder of my life, I know I want to pursue and live from that inner trust and confidence that is rooted in Christ!!

Big Trust Quotes:

• "You're not questioning just your skills or knowledge, but yourself.  Your value, your place, your right to take up space.  You doubt your very sense of who you are, and that's why self-doubt sticks.  Because we mistake it for who we are rather than something we've learned or internalized.
• Your brain's response to feeling not enough is often to overcompensate.  You tell yourself that the next achievement, promotion, or milestone will be the one, the moment you finally feel like you belong.  But the finish line keeps moving.  You take on more, chase perfection, and tie your worth to your output.  No matter how much you achieve, you still end the day thinking: Was it enough?
• The more visible you become, the more pressure you imagine is on you.  More eyes, more expectations, more chances to disappoint.  So you procrastinate, you hesitate, and you convince yourself you're fine where you are.  But you're not; you're just scared...  Safety feels better than growth, but staying small isn't safe.  It's self-sabotage.
• These patterns (overworking, people-pleasing, shrinking, or finding comfort in others' failures) all stem from the same belief: I'm not enough.  Every behavior is an attempt to avoid that discomfort, but until you face it head-on and call it out for the lie it is, you'll stay stuck.
• There will always be others who seem better equipped, more qualified, sharper, shinier, something.  The real difference between people who do the hard things and the ones who don't isn't talent, and it isn't usually skill.  It's BELIEF.  It's the ability to come back to an unshakable trust in your own unique individual strengths even when self-doubt is doing its best to derail you.
• Most of us are far more competent, stronger, wiser, and more capable than we give ourselves credit for. You don't need to pretend you know it all.  Trust the part of you that's always been willing to learn and brave enough to ask.  When you trust your skills and your ability to figure things out, challenges don't feel insurmountable.  When you connect to your inner authority, self-doubt quiets and self-trust begins to take its place.
• Self-trust grows faster in good company.  Surround yourself with people who believe in you, even when you don't.  These are the folks who hold you accountable, cheer you on, and remind you of who you are when doubt gets loud... one supportive person can make a world of difference! #truestory
• Don't just do this for you.  Be the leader who uplifts others, the parent who inspires, the friend who brings light, the human who makes the world better just by being more of who they are.  That's what big trust unlocks - not just inner trust, but outer impact!
• No matter where you are in life, YOUR FUTURE IS STILL YOURS TO SHAPE!  ...Self-trust isn't built in one grand moment.  It's built in every small moment where you decide:  I'm not shrinking.  I'm not hiding.  I'm not doubting - not this time.  Now, go re-write your story!"

God is with me.

God is for me.

He renews my strength 

and guides my steps,
and He will complete the good things

HE has started.

❤ ❤ ❤

Block Party #7!!

Chet's 7th Annual Client Appreciation Block Party was a vibrant success!!

Just look how fun and colorful! ❤

Debbie manning the Check-In table, handing out the new swag bags and drink tickets, both improving a bit on last year's party plan!  (Karli Marie made the awesome balloon arch and I made the fun check-in poster - my strong guess is that not everyone officially checked in, but there were over 100 people on the list that did!!)

Prepping for the flower bouquet bar - and yes, I did stop and smell the roses - I do that literally every time I see them anywhere! lol

Yay for my chalkboard sign from yesteryear still going strong! lol

Parker and I were very happy to be in matching pink shirts! ❤

Balloon columns by Chet and Karli... they added a lot to this year's photos!!

Tate and his friend playing with anything they found in the garage! lol

My very-quickly-made water and not water signs! lol

Yay, Kristin Renee and the Foster fam!

Pink Ladies! ;-)  A stair-steppy height pic of me, Lindsay, and Kelly Marie!

Yolanda and Cody, a "Wilson fam" reunion! lol

Friend group pic by the balloon arch!

Sarah comforting Parker when she was deeply distraught about her sparkly balloon popping. Presh!

Ellie, Margot, Kelly, and Elizabeth

Steve complimenting Parker's hair flower (which he put in for her)! lol

Kate holding Paige Evelyn! ❤

The indoor crew - me, Teresa, and Laura! (It was very hot and windy, and I needed Vivian to stay intact!)

Parker was back in a happy mood with her new balloon collection!

Pic with Laura Allison by the fun balloon column!

Shane showing Tate the kettle corn process!

Tate drew this for him and gave it to him at dinner - he couldn't find a yellow marker so he wrote yellow with an arrow to the popcorn. lol  Love it!

New patriotic bows from Mom for the Wilsons and for me! ❤

Friend trio pic from the last three block parties!

I adore the Wilsons, and I love being in the group that comes early to help and stays late to hang out - we did Whataburger dinner then Andy's custard, also becoming a tradition at this point!  In other news, I need us all to wear colorful shirts more often - these pics spark joy for me! =)

That's my third and final post for today - I'm all caught up on photos!  I've been reading an exceptional book and may share some deeper thoughts in the next day or two!

Happy Monday, gang!  And in case no one else reminds you, Jesus loves you and believes in you, and He is with you and for you today!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Artificial Intelligence vs. God-given Wisdom

Okay, so I've been a big fan of ChatGPT since Holly first introduced the concept!  I have used it for small medical questions, resume adjustments, workout routines, meal planning, refining my vitamins, brainstorming, proofreading, generative writing, therapy session planning, marketing ideas, fun caricatures, online dating questions, and more.  In many areas, it's been a helpful tool... but lately, I am very intentionally leaning away from it and leaning harder into my walk with God.  As a single woman struggling to find a man with aligned values and intelligence, it's pretty easy to start turning to AI for quick validation and in-depth relational wisdom... when we absolutely need to be going to Jesus and/or friends and family for those things!  John Eldredge wrote a newsletter about the dangers of that very thing, when we create a counterfeit sense of intimacy with something that is:

A) Not real or as safe/secure as we hope

B) Not infallible or consistently trustworthy

C) Not aligned with His purpose for me

So all that to say, I've deleted past chats and taken it off of my phone.  I was convicted about using it for school when I started the PhD program (HERE).  I did not touch it once throughout Dr. Burkhart's leadership class, spending hours studying articles and writing papers.  I worked very hard, and I was proud of my papers and presentations, and it paid off!  Dr. Burkhart was proud of my work, too... he was incredibly supportive and became an esteemed mentor for whatever I may pursue in the future with CCU!

I believe the same positive outcome will be true as I step away from using AI for relational coaching and make a very sincere effort to turn to Jesus and friends and family and therapists for the things I've been seeking faster answers to online.

The "last straw" for me was when I asked ChatGPT to give me an example of conflict and resolution in Voyage of the Dawn Treader, one of the Narnia books.  It told me that Lucy uses a magic spell to create light when their ship sails into darkness... that seemed strange to me, much more like Harry Potter than C.S. Lewis, and Kyndal doubted the accuracy, as well.... so I asked ChatGPT if that was  absolutely accurate about the book, and it said no - in the book, Lucy prays to Aslan, and He leads them back to light.  Ummmmm, nope.  Massive difference, and I was taken aback by how very quickly and decisively it wrote God out of the story and created powerful people who did not need His help (without mentioning that it changed anything at all).  Took the app off my phone that day.

So going along with my renewal theme, I am sincerely seeking God and His leading and wisdom!

The answers may come slower and less clearly,
but I know I can trust His heart and His Word.

God is real, safe, secure, infallible, and consistently trustworthy!

And He has a plan and purpose for our lives that only He can clarify.

Let's be incredibly careful to guard our hearts
and keep Him at the center of our story!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Memories and Hopes

❤ Looking forward to putting this poem (and maybe some accompanying photos) on my photo wall when the adhesive posters arrive from Walgreens!

Spring Break, Part 2

The Spring Break week gave me some much-appreciated time to catch up on sleep and work (for the most part) and catch up with friends and family! ❤

Lunch with Teresa at the Sand Springs Olive Garden!  It was fun to see her and catch up and tell her what a great job she did raising her sons!

A delightful walk at Addison Creek (a neighborhood I like in Bixby)

Hanging out with Parker E. and her fam - I signed up for Friday night on the meal train, and it was fun as always to see the Wilsons.  This trip included a nature walk that was a little too naturey for Aunt Lindsey. lol  I had on the wrong shoes for it, and all the bugs were viciously attacking me.

Saturday brunch with Kate Marie and Holly Dei (downtown OKC Neighborhood JAM)

Megan Elizabeth's wedding... both her story and Annie F. Downs' new relationship are giving me fresh hope in this season!

Megan and Tim (her dad walked her down the aisle and officiated their wedding).

Reception pic with Holly and Rach!

Pic with the bride and groom (Rach had gone home to get J&K for dinner)

Mom and Megan

Dad and Cheryl (his former secretary at SF)

Charleston's dinner after the wedding!

Final pic with Holly and T-man... we had a good talk about his college options and future life plan!

I'm grateful for God's kindness and provision - it's been a good Spring Break week, and I've finally gotten into my Write the Word journal on Renewal!!  Today (Sunday) has been relaxing enough to allow me to be creative - revamping and ordering my I Am From poem for my photo wall, and completing this new Power Thoughts script for 2026!  

Me and Holly Dei, 21 years apart (2005 Yale trip and 2026)!

I'm thinking of making the blog public again next month.  Maybe.  And now, I'm off to see Ryan Gosling's new Hail Mary Project movie.

❤ ❤ ❤