Our lives are in His hands,
and He keeps our feet from stumbling."
~Psalm 66:9
I first considered running a full marathon back in 2009. I signed up for the OKC race in 2011, but I didn’t train well and eventually backed out. Got into the Nike Women’s Marathon in 2012, then talked myself right out of those crazy San Francisco hills! Now, 13 years and five Half-Marathons later, I have finally done the work to train and prepare, and I have a strong desire and determination to finish this race!
Much like the marathon, living out my calling in counseling has been a long and winding road. I started pursuing this dream back in 2012 with night classes at SNU, only to be rejected by multiple grad schools afterwards. Around the same time, I was grieving the loss of a fractured friendship. So I settled back into court reporting, a great career where I felt secure and tucked away—but I could never quite shake the sense of God’s call on my life.
In 2022, I took the leap and started graduate school. Now, 13 years after stepping into my first counseling class, I'm preparing to step out of my cocoon of career safety and familiarity — to actually live out the calling God planted in my heart so long ago! I think people tend to assume joy and excitement are my main emotions here...
But it’s scary. It’s vulnerable. It’s slow.
A marathon, not a sprint.
I am moving from something comfortable where I am at the top of my field into something new where I’m at the bottom of the ladder -- still experimenting, exploring, "paying my dues," wrestling through my own insecurities to figure out where I fit and how God has uniquely gifted me. I’ve learned a lot over the past three years, but there’s still so much I don’t know. And the best way to learn is through hands-on practice, critique and constructive feedback, actively embracing change and choosing a growth mindset, repeatedly showing up and being seen! That level of scrutiny feels very disorienting after 20 years in a cozy background observer role.
I have to remind myself often: I am not alone. God is with me. God is for me.
This candidacy job search has stretched me more than I expected. Since December, I’ve submitted over 15 applications and completed at least eight job interviews—with places like CREOKS Broken Arrow, CRS-Tulsa, FCS-Tulsa, Charlie Health (virtual), Red Rock OKC, and Moore Counseling Center. (That doesn't include the work of applying and interviewing for the PhD program - it's been a lot). Fear/the enemy keeps whispering: You don’t belong here. You’re not enough. This is all too hard. You’ll never find your place. I have seriously considered pursuing a Federal CR job for the stability and great salary. But deep down, I know God didn’t bring me this far to quit now - I believe there are real lives I am called to impact, and I cannot give in to greed or cowardice or the craving for comfort.
I do recognize that I’m a prime target for spiritual warfare in this in-between season. Thankfully, God keeps dropping little pearls of wisdom and encouragement just when I need them—through friends and family, podcasts and books, etc. I recently heard John Eldredge talk about how we are needed here on earth — how each of us is called to uniquely reflect God’s love and light to those around us, how the character of Christ is being formed within us, and how we are "in training for reigning" as we move toward our future in Heaven. I love that!
You know I love a good illustration, and I’ve been thinking about that final scene in The Patriot. The soldiers are retreating in fear, divided and overwhelmed. Then Mel Gibson runs through all the chaos, waving their flag and shouting, “No retreat—HOLD—hold the line!” A repeated line from that movie is “stay the course.” Even now, it encourages me to remember what I’m fighting for, why it matters, and not to give up when the path feels far harder, longer, and more costly than I'd expected.
As real change draws near, I have felt more overwhelmed and inadequate than excited. But these are all normal emotions at this stage, and I want to build a life marked by courage and bold faith! I want to try new things and find my best lane in counseling. I want to finish what I’ve started, which means stepping fully into this new identity and leaving comfort and hiding behind. I am determined and called to make a Kingdom impact with my life and my work. And I'm confident that God will lead, guide, and provide for me as I keep moving forward!
Okay, speaking of long journeys and forward momentum, my adoption story is at another pivotal point. This is my third year of working with Snowflakes. After two surgeries that made me healthier for a potential pregnancy — and two difficult setbacks with the previous matches — Shay completed my final home study update over Easter weekend. This week, I am restarting the matching process, working with OU Reproductive instead of Dallas IVF this time. I feel hopeful and cautiously optimistic, ready and willing to make major shifts and sacrifices if God chooses to fulfill this desire!
(For the record, if this third attempt doesn’t work, I will let go of this specific path to motherhood. Not releasing the desire entirely, but believing this particular doorway is closed.) Still, I am planning, preparing, and praying that the third time’s a charm — for my embryo adoption journey and for finishing the marathon this weekend!
In my hopes for adoption, my career calling, my health journey, and this long-standing marathon dream, I have encountered surprise plot twists, detours, rejections, loss, fear, and long seasons of waiting. However, my soul is anchored in Kingdom hope, and I am decidedly stronger than I used to be. I like being someone who dreams big and lives with purpose, but I don’t want to be the girl who never finishes anything. (And I don’t believe God wants that identity for me either.) So I am resisting the enemy’s lies and breaking those old agreements.
We can do hard things, and it's worth the effort! Whenever it happens, physically crossing the Finish Line will feel so symbolic and hopeful for me. I’m praying and believing for 2025 to be a year of courage and victorious follow-through. A year of finishing strong. I am grateful to know I am not facing these challenges alone. And I’m trusting our faithful God, who finishes every good thing He starts!!
"Since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the particular race God has set before us... Let God train you, for He is doing what any loving father does for His children... So take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs, and mark out a straight, smooth path for your feet so that those who follow you, though weak and lame, will not fall and hurt themselves but become strong." ~Hebrews 12:1-13
