On Claustrophobia & Anxious Attachment

Back in 2011, my parents had a catastrophic car wreck.

On a lonely highway in the middle of the Nevada desert, the truck in front of them swerved quickly to avoid hitting a stalled van, then Dad was unable to swerve fast enough to miss it.  Their 80mph wreck hit the passenger side hardest, and Mom was medi-flighted back to the Vegas hospital for several days with internal bleeding, a gash on her forehead, and a knee injury that required multiple debridement procedures.

Rachael and I had flown home, and we were very concerned and anxious to have them back with us... then Mom's hospital stay was extended due to internal bleeding.  I was looking at flights back to Vegas, but she was released to come home the next day.  They made special accommodations for her flight and someone brought her out in a wheelchair.  Rach drove the Mustang to pick her up, as it was a lower car that would be easier for Mom to get into with her bruised-up knee.

It's a 2-door car with a verrrry small backseat, and on our way to the airport, I was obviously up front.  Rach was driving... we moved the passenger seat forward for me to get into the tiny back seat... then they spent a few minutes getting Mom all seated and situated.  

......

Never in my life have I felt as irrationally panicked as I did that entire drive home.  It hit me as they were putting mom in and getting her all settled that she was injured and fragile and could not possibly get out quickly if there was any need to do so, and I was in trapped in the small seat behind her with no car door I could open and no other way to climb out.  My parents had just had a horrific wreck, so that was in my mind.  Rach was also a little nervous and on edge about driving that car as safely as possible, Mom was nervous and still in pain, and I was taking deep breaths, trying to close my eyes and stay quiet, and internally berating myself for not being able to focus more clearly on Mom and what she needed in that moment.  It was claustrophobia like I have never experienced before or since, and it didn't get much better until I was out of the car.

.......

Rach and I had a memorable conversation on that topic last night.

She had a similar experience on a ride at Frontier City.  She initially got on it to help Kyndal feel brave enough to try it, then when she tried to bend down to pick something up, the shoulder-bar caught her and held her very still, and the feeling of being unable to move washed over her with an irrational panic.  So much so that they let her (and Kyndal Faith) off the ride before it started.  She has done rides like that several times before, and it wasn't the crazy loops or anything about the ride itself that caused the fear, but the sensation of being trapped...

And I told her I absolutely knew the feeling she was talking about.  I had only experienced it once, but it was pretty memorable for me, too.  Just a sense of panic and feeling out-of-control that you know is irrational, but you cannot easily calm down.  

This = Nate Bargatze discussing a very similar experience (and just after this, he tells a story about being in the back of a car and making everyone get out). lol

I'm thankful that for myself and Rachael (and Nate), this is a rare and sporadic experience.  But it does give me some context to explain the way I feel sometimes as a person with anxious attachment.  I have become more secure through the years, but the roots of rejection are powerful, and there are times when something minor can set off what part of me knows to be an irrational sense of panic that a relationship is ending, that all is not well, that I need to do damage control.  Then I'll try to calm myself down and step back and give the other person space, but I rarely last more than 48 hours before a real internal spiral hits.

I've seen a lot of both sides on this.... and metaphorically, bringing up any emotions with a dismissive avoidant (someone with an insecure attachment style that rages and pushes hard away from anyone trying to move closer to them or ask for vulnerability) feels like starting up the ride when you're already in full panic mode.  There is just zero ability to think straight for a while.  Whereas talking to someone who is securely attached and caring feels like the bar that was "trapping you" in this irrational panic/anxiety being lifted, and you can breathe normally and see clearly again.  (You still feel a little awkward and embarrassed that you couldn't freaking calm down enough to not need that reassurance, but gracious, it's a thousand times better when you can have one healthy conversation and everything just feels back on track.  That is never the case with the anxious/avoidant pairing - never.)

I'm deeply thankful for personal growth!!  And I am thankful for friends who are secure enough to navigate the occasional bouts of irrational-relational-anxiety that pop up for me in a way that's kind and rational and caring without tangible resentment and irritation, which multiplies the inner panic 100-fold.  When you're in an unhealthy place, that anxiety becomes familiar, and you can mistake the intensity of that dynamic for a really strong connection, but healthy connections don't keep your nervous system constantly on edge and frayed.  I know what to look for now, and I will not put myself through that dynamic in any relationship ever again.  I will seek peace and pursue it, hard conversations included.

So that's my fun educational metaphor for today.  There are good therapeutic tools available, but sometimes (with legit claustrophobia or relational anxiety), we genuinely need prayer and healthy relationships to help calm the fear and restore our God-given power, love, and sound mind.

No one can do everything on their own, and that is okay.

The end.

❤ ❤ ❤

P.S.  Happy Global Running Day!

The Storm of Self-Doubt

This book was a timely revelation and practically-helpful tool for me on the topic of self-doubt.  I listened to most of it during my drive home from seeing Annie and Eddie in Texas.  I had talked with Chet earlier that afternoon about how adrift I was feeling without the clear end goal of adoption.  He talked from his perspective about seeing all the doors God had opened for me with CCU, and it was a good (slightly jarring) reminder that it hasn't ALL been roadblocks and hurdles on the counseling journey...

It paired really well with the content of this book, and God used all of the above to inspire hope in me that this may not be the dead end I've been imagining.  Having some time to really think about my story and how much has shifted over the past two years was also helpful.  And in my own defense, there has been A LOT of change and loss to process, and I can see how I got here.  Somewhere between the weight loss surgery and recovery, the extra attention and inner/outer pressure to maintain a certain physical appearance whilst navigating hair loss and hormonal changes that would be difficult for any woman, the intense season of marathon training, trying and struggling to view myself as a "finisher" - someone who commits and finishes what she starts, the end of the master's program, the unexpected difficulty of finding a good counseling job, the hard situations and imposter syndrome in some of those early roles, the desire to bow out and disappear, getting into the PhD program, the high expectation and pressure to perform well while not feeling sure I really want to move forward there, facing the physical realities of aging and fibroids and repeated roadblocks head-on, letting go of my long-held adoption dream, quietly grieving that massive loss with precious little acknowledgement while trying to hold onto other dreams that were kind of rooted in that one, realizing how many of my dreams were tied to the idea of being a mom, pursuing the hope of dating whilst zero men are pursuing me, consistently trying to push back against the sense of feeling rejected/unworthy while also being uninspired by the pool of mediocre/passive men, navigating multiple dating apps and driving to another state for a date and staying open to friend set-ups while knowing there will always be others who believe I'm just not trying hard enough, getting raises and cushier job offers in court reporting while everyone keeps asking how my new counseling career is going, ambiguous grief and feeling unheard in certain family situations, and navigating a major friendship conflict and sharply critical/painful conversations there... it has all spiraled me into fairly crippling inner storm of shame and self-doubt, with an amped-up desire to numb out from the gnawing sense that nothing I do is ever quite enough.

Woof.  This book really opened my eyes to all of that, and now I believe God will help me rebuild my sense of identity and God-given power and authority!  I've always loved the verses that talk about Jesus teaching "with real authority, quite unlike their teachers of religious law."  I love and have always been drawn to people who speak with authority, who believe in themselves, lead well, and exude a genuine security and confidence that puts others at ease.  God is opening a few new doors, and I have some ideas brewing on what I want to pursue.  Whatever else I do with the remainder of my life, I know I want to pursue and live from that inner trust and confidence that is rooted in Christ!!

Big Trust Quotes:

• "You're not questioning just your skills or knowledge, but yourself.  Your value, your place, your right to take up space.  You doubt your very sense of who you are, and that's why self-doubt sticks.  Because we mistake it for who we are rather than something we've learned or internalized.
• Your brain's response to feeling not enough is often to overcompensate.  You tell yourself that the next achievement, promotion, or milestone will be the one, the moment you finally feel like you belong.  But the finish line keeps moving.  You take on more, chase perfection, and tie your worth to your output.  No matter how much you achieve, you still end the day thinking: Was it enough?
• The more visible you become, the more pressure you imagine is on you.  More eyes, more expectations, more chances to disappoint.  So you procrastinate, you hesitate, and you convince yourself you're fine where you are.  But you're not; you're just scared...  Safety feels better than growth, but staying small isn't safe.  It's self-sabotage.
• These patterns (overworking, people-pleasing, shrinking, or finding comfort in others' failures) all stem from the same belief: I'm not enough.  Every behavior is an attempt to avoid that discomfort, but until you face it head-on and call it out for the lie it is, you'll stay stuck.
• There will always be others who seem better equipped, more qualified, sharper, shinier, something.  The real difference between people who do the hard things and the ones who don't isn't talent, and it isn't usually skill.  It's BELIEF.  It's the ability to come back to an unshakable trust in your own unique individual strengths even when self-doubt is doing its best to derail you.
• Most of us are far more competent, stronger, wiser, and more capable than we give ourselves credit for. You don't need to pretend you know it all.  Trust the part of you that's always been willing to learn and brave enough to ask.  When you trust your skills and your ability to figure things out, challenges don't feel insurmountable.  When you connect to your inner authority, self-doubt quiets and self-trust begins to take its place.
• Self-trust grows faster in good company.  Surround yourself with people who believe in you, even when you don't.  These are the folks who hold you accountable, cheer you on, and remind you of who you are when doubt gets loud... one supportive person can make a world of difference! #truestory
• Don't just do this for you.  Be the leader who uplifts others, the parent who inspires, the friend who brings light, the human who makes the world better just by being more of who they are.  That's what big trust unlocks - not just inner trust, but outer impact!
• No matter where you are in life, YOUR FUTURE IS STILL YOURS TO SHAPE!  ...Self-trust isn't built in one grand moment.  It's built in every small moment where you decide:  I'm not shrinking.  I'm not hiding.  I'm not doubting - not this time.  Now, go re-write your story!"

God is with me.

God is for me.

He renews my strength 

and guides my steps,
and He will complete the good things

HE has started.

❤ ❤ ❤

On Grieving with Hope

The long and winding Dead-End Road...

• I was 26 years old the first time I considered adopting a child as a single woman (HERE).
• At 33, I took the 3-weekend DHS foster parenting training classes and completed my first home study (HERE).
• At 37, after grieving the Malori friendship (round 2), I felt like God gave me the green light to pursue adoption in the fall of 2021 (HERE).
• I made a profile book, did a home study update, met with an Oklahoma adoption attorney, worked with a Florida adoption agency, and connected with a struggling single birth-mom who ended up deciding to keep her child (at the time).
• After hitting some roadblocks in all of the above, at 38, immediately after moving back to the Moore area, I started medical appointments to try for a donor-insemination pregnancy... trying four IUI procedures that were unsuccessful (HERE).  I tried a fifth time a year later - also unsuccessful.  Lots of positive ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests = rough emotionally.
• At 39, I signed up for embryo adoption... and just after turning 40, I was devastated to learn that both embryo matches (from two different placing families) were not medically viable for transfer (HERE).
• That was a big part of the motivation behind choosing weight loss surgery that summer - to be healthier for a potential pregnancy.  
• In the meantime, I had another surgery to remove a uterine polyp (HERE), and I was matched with another placing family with embryos that could not be transferred (which everyone told me was a major anomaly, which had me questioning God's plan).
• Then at 41, just after starting the PhD program, I was overjoyed to be matched with a biracial placing family.  But as it moved closer, I wrestled with A LOT of anxiety and doubt, knowing how much it would change my life, and not knowing if those changes were truly desirable.
• Last September, I learned that I would need a third surgery to remove uterine fibroids that would make the already-high-risk pregnancy even more dangerous and difficult.  And after a lot of prayer and internal wrestling with whether God was in this (HERE), I finally decided to close the door on the embryo adoption path (HERE).

So I spent thousands of dollars, invested a lot of emotional energy, met with attorneys and daycares, talked with adoption judges, endured several painful medical procedures, had two surgeries, had long talks with friends and family, and spent a lot of time in prayer.  It's exhausting just reading about it now.  (That list was focused on motherhood, but I could make a similar list about the various dating apps and setups I have tried, all with a similar disappointing ending, with the added bonus of feeling personally rejected/unchosen).  God has been kind and comforted me through the various losses, and I have genuinely learned a lot through all of this, but I would LOVE to have more than personal growth to show for the above efforts.

I live a blessed life in so many ways, and I am grateful for all that God has given me!

It is also true that I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 20s. 

I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 30s.

I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my body.

Thus far, I do not know what it feels like to be desired/pursued by a really good Christian man.

And that's hard.  And there is genuine, valid grief for all of that.

There is also fear (that stems from poor theology ingrained in childhood) of my life never having full value as an unmarried, childless woman.  And in my case, there is maybe-unfair shame over not hearing correctly from God on the above decisions and pursuits, and fear of publicly failing again.  I feel like I am trying to stay very still, and it's making me think about Exodus 14 (where Moses tells them to be still, then God promptly tells them to move on).

After thinking it over, I've realized that in this season, I am not grieving over the loss of motherhood so much as I am grieving the loss of a clear end goal and purpose.  The degree, the health journey, and everything else I pursued felt more meaningful with that overarching relational goal in mind.  Without that, I feel very adrift, and I hate that feeling.

I know in my heart that God is a God of hope and redemption, and I am doing my best to hold on to that.  To believe there are far better things ahead.  To lean into His power, love, and a sound mind rather than focusing on fear.  I need a new relational goal that feels clear and compelling.  And aligned!

So I am praying for fresh clarity, wisdom, and COURAGE to take bold action toward new meaningful goals that God puts on my heart.  I want to live a FRUITFUL life and to walk in true alignment with God's plan and path for me, and it is NOT easy for me to trust that in any direction right now.  But I know that staying stuck is not His best for me either.  

Prayers for God-given healing, wisdom, clarity, alignment, and courage would be most appreciated!

That's all for now.  I needed to dive into the deep end and get some of that written down and out of my head this morning, but now I am off to Keller, TX for The Buddies Tour with Annie and Eddie - YAY!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Artificial Intelligence vs. God-given Wisdom

Okay, so I've been a big fan of ChatGPT since Holly first introduced the concept!  I have used it for small medical questions, resume adjustments, workout routines, meal planning, refining my vitamins, brainstorming, proofreading, generative writing, therapy session planning, marketing ideas, fun caricatures, online dating questions, and more.  In many areas, it's been a helpful tool... but lately, I am very intentionally leaning away from it and leaning harder into my walk with God.  As a single woman struggling to find a man with aligned values and intelligence, it's pretty easy to start turning to AI for quick validation and in-depth relational wisdom... when we absolutely need to be going to Jesus and/or friends and family for those things!  John Eldredge wrote a newsletter about the dangers of that very thing, when we create a counterfeit sense of intimacy with something that is:

A) Not real or as safe/secure as we hope

B) Not infallible or consistently trustworthy

C) Not aligned with His purpose for me

So all that to say, I've deleted past chats and taken it off of my phone.  I was convicted about using it for school when I started the PhD program (HERE).  I did not touch it once throughout Dr. Burkhart's leadership class, spending hours studying articles and writing papers.  I worked very hard, and I was proud of my papers and presentations, and it paid off!  Dr. Burkhart was proud of my work, too... he was incredibly supportive and became an esteemed mentor for whatever I may pursue in the future with CCU!

I believe the same positive outcome will be true as I step away from using AI for relational coaching and make a very sincere effort to turn to Jesus and friends and family and therapists for the things I've been seeking faster answers to online.

The "last straw" for me was when I asked ChatGPT to give me an example of conflict and resolution in Voyage of the Dawn Treader, one of the Narnia books.  It told me that Lucy uses a magic spell to create light when their ship sails into darkness... that seemed strange to me, much more like Harry Potter than C.S. Lewis, and Kyndal doubted the accuracy, as well.... so I asked ChatGPT if that was  absolutely accurate about the book, and it said no - in the book, Lucy prays to Aslan, and He leads them back to light.  Ummmmm, nope.  Massive difference, and I was taken aback by how very quickly and decisively it wrote God out of the story and created powerful people who did not need His help (without mentioning that it changed anything at all).  Took the app off my phone that day.

So going along with my renewal theme, I am sincerely seeking God and His leading and wisdom!

The answers may come slower and less clearly,
but I know I can trust His heart and His Word.

God is real, safe, secure, infallible, and consistently trustworthy!

And He has a plan and purpose for our lives that only He can clarify.

Let's be incredibly careful to guard our hearts
and keep Him at the center of our story!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Life Lately...

Happy last day of March 2026!  Spring is off to a pretty good and productive start!

Chettles bought a Lexus GX from our fav Tulsa Lexus salesman, Aaron Little!

This pic brings me lots of joy - a preshface in her colorful hair towel, and Chet taking the pic whilst driving through their neighborhood! lol  Naturally, Mom disapproves of the white "non-color" choice, but Chet is loving it and says that's the realtor trend!

This = two shots from a live photo that made me laugh... Kristin looking amused/mildly annoyed as I'm pulling out my camera, then smiling it up with me on our Wednesday walk pic! lol

Tried something new and fun this past weekend, a Launch bungee fitness class where I got to sample the bungee cardio and the aerial yoga... you get in this thing like a hammock and you can swing and do random stretches and fully invert... that part was scary for me, but I'm proud of myself for trying it!  (It was all fun, honestly, but they don't currently offer any morning class options, and I'm debating whether I would go often enough at night to make the cost worth it.)

Chet Lee with Rick and Margaret and their Terwilliger home ($900k midtown house where he's worked with them for a while to get it ready and will get a really great commission when it closes next month).  I've never met them, but I feel invested since I talk to him regularly. lol

Can't remember if I've posted these before... Jaceman being Jaceman at family dinner, and Miss K with her peel-off lip stain the day we all met Kate for dinner in Dallas! =)  Love them both!!

Truth.

Looks like Mark Anthony had a great Jesus year bday... I miss the Shoemaker fam!

My flights and Seattle hotels and Alaska cruise with Beth Moore are now officially booked and paid for the coming summer - YAY!   I'm anticipating that being a retreat where I can really connect with and hear from God.  Here's me with no glasses and no big smile sitting on the narrow laundry room floor to lean against my washing machine, as it's the only untextured white surface in my home I could find for a new passport pic! lol #makeitwork

The verse of the day popped up at 11:11... my screensaver verse for a while now says "My soul thirsts for God" as I've mentioned feeling like I'm in a dry wilderness season... and this was God gently answering, "If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me." ❤

It's an encouraging and convicting promise.

Okay, one more post to be caught up for today!

❤ ❤ ❤

Distorted Reality

MINDSET SHIFT TIME!  I'm reminding myself of this lately:

There's a lot of truth to that.  I have "practiced noticing" all the best things about my favorite people and all the worst things about people who tend to annoy me.  I've practiced noticing God's goodness, but also practiced noticing what is wrong in the church.  Most recently, I have practiced noticing what makes the counseling profession difficult, but have not been actively seeking what makes it valuable and rewarding.  I've practiced noticing how difficult the first part of dating is (the online search, the small talk, the buildup, the potential rejection anxiety)... but haven't practiced thinking about all that could go right, and my low expectations of men (NOT low standards, but the educated belief that most men will fail to live up to them) sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

So I want to practice noticing what is good and pure and lovely and uplifting, Philippians 4:8 style!!

I've been in kind of a rough headspace lately, feeling shame and wanting to disappear and hide, but this is helping me. I was practicing noticing my own faults and failings and struggle to find purpose, rather than practicing noticing all the opportunities to do meaningful things in the life I have right now.  I need to give my heart some space to grieve for the life I wish I had in this season - and then I need to pull it together and move forward.  It's the major themes versus the minor themes John Eldredge often talks about.

To be dramatic but honest, my heart has felt like a wilderness or desert... dry, barren, empty, parched, hidden, weary.... (not a mom, not a wife, not a counselor, not an author)... desolate, unchosen, unfruitful.  And the verse I read today about God bringing abundant flowers and singing and joy into the desert (Isaiah 35:1-2) was really a refreshing breath of fresh air for my soul and spirit!

I am believing Him for that kind of redemptive beauty in my life story!! ❤  Lather, rinse, repeat.

And that's all for this post.

❤ ❤ ❤

Marching On!!

While still working and prioritizing people I care about, I gave myself grace to take a legit break from a few things in January and February.  And now that March has arrived, I am embracing the natural growth and vibrant new life that comes with Springtime!!

The 1st day of March included signing up for a year of eHarmony and making an appointment to discuss Zepbound medication.  And here on day 15, I have officially started the lowest dose of Zepbound, texted with an eHarmony match, reconnected with CCU friends and joined a extracurricular group project with Amy and Faith, spoken with my Student Services Advisor about potentially resuming PhD classes in October, helped plan a baby shower for my favorite fam, welcomed my newest niece, reconnected with several old friends, learned about potential job changes at the OCC this fall, jumped back into the Peloton "HardCore" workout calendar, and signed up for a bungee fitness class in Moore!  Yay, Spring! lol

I've pushed myself to be busier and more productive on transcripts and other life goals lately.

I have not, however, felt very connected with God...

My soul thirsts for God, the living God, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

That's been my phone screensaver for a bit, and it's a true story.

I think I am feeling a little forgotten/abandoned/hurt/disoriented about where to find purpose and whether anything I pursue and care about really makes a difference or even matters to God - whether He is invested in my story or kinda checked out and leaving me to fend for myself -- and I really, really need to take those thoughts captive, separate the light from the darkness, and draw near to Him.  I can feel myself being resistant lately, focusing on TV and friendships and busywork more than what matters most.  All other ground is sinking sand - and I'm reminding myself of that right now.  I will start my Renewal Write the Word prayer journal tomorrow morning, and I will make a new Power Thoughts list and video for this season.  I'm committing to that right now.

Shifting gears, here are some fun pics from a family dinner and game night earlier this month!  (Jace is trying to get us to guess the word "synagogue" by putting a styrofoam bowl on his head to play the Rabbi Simeon role from their 4th grade play! lol)

Yes to this.  Move on, learn, and adjust!

We got to catch up with Kate during Kyndal's Texas VB tournament - she's training for the Bike MS race in May, and I admire her resilient spirit and heart for Jesus! ❤

It's always fun to watch them!

Checking out the after-Christmas sales at Decorator's Warehouse (Texas's largest Christmas store) with Mom!

We had dinner with Kate and Evelyn on Friday, then her whole fam came to watch Kyndal play on Saturday! =)

Girls pic just before our drive back to Oklahoma!

Embracing the Peloton bike and app... this was Cody's 20-minute Guardians of the Galaxy ride (with music from that movie and Disney ride) - fun times!

While the bike workouts are great (and far more challenging now with the real Peloton bike), I really love being outside more often this year with my more relaxed remote schedule!!

This = a fun FaceTime catchup with Chettles and Sarah (at her AirBNB in Tahlequah) a couple days before baby Paige arrived... more on that in my next post!

Here's to Springtime and moving forward and March-ing on.

❤ ❤ ❤

Rach's 40th!!

We had Olive Garden dinner and Sam's cake at Mom and Dad's to celebrate Rach's 40th Birthday on Wednesday!!

In spite of my best efforts and spelling it 2x on the phone, the bakery misspelled her name!  And once again failed to make it fun and festive and glittery, but at least it accidentally matched her shirts! lol

Nom nom for us, David!

Yay for the Little Party Store in Sooner Mall!!  They were super helpful with the balloon bouquet!  And yay for Sam's cakes being tasty, even if their bakery decorators are a tad ridiculous.

One more family pic

True story.

And last but not least, here's the riff-off-style slideshow I made of 40 years in 4 minutes!! ❤

Happy Birthday, Rachael LaJo!
The best is yet to come!!

❤ ❤ ❤

February Festivities

Happy Friday the 13th, and Happy February.  As I expected, this month has been better than January in all the ways. =)

On day 1, we did a belated birthday brunch for Tiffany at Cracker Barrel... yay, Swiftie hats (my bday gift for her)!! ❤

We had a good talk about seeking more joy and goodness in 2026.

Her friendship bracelets made me happy.  #seethegood #seekjoy

❤

Our waitress was kind enough to give us both a complimentary bday dessert - yum!

Rita Wilson looking great at 69 - I'm a fan of her - she seems kind and classy!

On 1-28, I had my first protest hearing (and my second day of actually coming in for work at the OCC).  This job has been a God-send for this season where I genuinely needed life to slow down while still feeling stable!

Focusing on God's kindness and on giving myself grace.

Rest in Peace Catherine O'Hara... I'm sad for her family, and sad that this means we will officially never get an SC movie or reboot with the full cast. =(

HBD to Jace Michael, who turned 14 on 2-2-26!

We celebrated with Pelican's dinner and cookiecake!

The fam + TJ!

That's all for this post.

❤ ❤ ❤

Year of Dating!?

26 Dates in 2026... that's the goal! 
(1 down, 25 to go...)
*Insert:  As of my b-day, this goal has been revised to 12 in 2026, and I'm very much counting on at least one relationship where there are multiple dates with the same man.  The endless messaging with men I feel lukewarm at best about has become tiring, and the lack of ask-outs always hits old rejection wounds, so I am praying to hold onto the personal confidence and faith-fueled hope I felt here early in the year!!  Okay, back to the original post.

It's off to a good start, or that's how I am choosing to frame it.  When the goal is high numbers, failure or bad matches get reframed as success and narrowing the field. lol

After four days of app-messaging and texting (throughout the Disney trip) plus five hours of fairly-intense phone conversations, I made the drive to Fort Worth, Texas on Saturday for a five-hour date (coffee followed by dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House) with a third-year law student!   To be clear, he drove from San Antonio to meet me in Ft. Worth, so we were both putting in effort.  I was very hopeful in the beginning, but due mostly to religious incompatibility about the exact path to salvation + some oversharing and dismissive tendencies on his end, it quickly became clear that K.P. was not the guy for me.  Still, I am genuinely glad that I went and happy to be learning as I go here!  (I have officially postponed my PhD program for one year, so in 2026, I will be putting more energy and time into the online dating apps and real world dating experience - and probably growing and learning just as much as I ever would have in school.)  Here's my bathroom selfie at Avoca Coffee + a pic explaining that that hotel was where JFK spent his final night before his assassination (to be *very clear,* our restaurant was in a hotel, then I promptly drove back home.) lol  

I am also very seriously leaning into the redemptive story arcs that God is so good at writing, paying more attention to the places where He has already brought redemption after loss or hard rejections (CCU after SNU being high on that list), and having more faith and hope that He is writing a good story for me, and that I can play an active part by seeking what I want and believing that I am worthy of it, (that I bring a lot to the table and it's okay to act like it)!

My confidence is up, my weight is down, my friendships are strong, my core values are solid, and I know I want more relational depth, intimacy, and fulfillment with a good, outgoing, assertive Christian man!  We will see what God has in store.  Megan's engagement story also helped to renew my hope, and my own focus on renewal is helping, too.  God is good, and He is about redemption, healing, restoration, and giving us abundantly more than we ask Him for, so I am choosing faith and hope and confident expectation!

"As for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him, I keep watch!"

❤ ❤ ❤