With Hope & Expectancy

Day 23:  What is one quote or verse that has deeply shaped how you live or think?

Love these verses (written here on the floor of my tornado shelter).

Every phrase is powerful.  What stands out right now is waiting with hope and expectancy.  We don't always know what is best for us, but God does, and He enjoys giving good things to His children! ❤

In other news, I saw Elf the musical at the OKC Civic Center last night - a last-minute decision when I realized there were tickets available for $35... fun!

See you all tomorrow!

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Rest & Wisdom

Day 19:  What is one truth or principle God is teaching you right now?

Rest (mind, body, soul, and spirit) + seeking wisdom and building with Him rather than in my own strength and timing. ❤

Christmas is in full swing at Mom and Dad's.  This fabulous tree has taken over the usual table spot...

So the table is in the very center of their living room. lol  Unconventional, but it works for now!

The Mini Miss K was kind enough to present us a Christmas Wishlist slideshow after our family dinner - you just click on the emojis for a convenient link to buy each item. lol  I love that she does this - it cracks me up!!

Kyndal and Talon being crossing guards this week, helping little kids get safely to their parents' cars (a 6th grade privilege at CHA that makes me happy).

That's all for today - see y'all here tomorrow!

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2026 Dreams

Day 15:  What dreams or goals are stirring in your heart for 2026 and beyond?

This year has included a lot of heavy decisions and high stress, so I hope 2026 = lighter stress, lighter workload, lighter weight, lighter screentime habits, stronger sense of self, and investing more in good relationships!

I'm running low on energy, so I'm keeping this one short.  Today was the OSU vs. K-State game, and the Whitakers joined me for the trip to Stillwater using Dad's club-level tickets!  Fun times!!

That's all for now.

Happy Saturday!!

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Courtroom Lessons

Day 6:  What has court reporting taught you about people and human nature?

I don't wanna go into case-by-case details here, but you see a lot and learn a lot in 21 years.  As a quiet observer who loves studying people, I am grateful for all court reporting has taught me.

As I thought about this prompt earlier, this verse came to mind...

I think one of the big things court reporting has taught me is to be more "shrewd."  Not cynical or fear-based or always assuming the worst, but less naive and gullible and easily-targeted. Viewing the world with more cautious discretion and wisdom, being a sharper judge of character, and being more prepared and alert to real evil and danger.  (The Bible teaches that, as well - to be on our guard because our spiritual enemy prowls around seeking someone to devour.)  Sexual predators do the same, and so many parents seem unaware of the threat.  So I am more vigilant, less likely to fall for sob stories or quickly trust people who have a lot to gain by lying, and more likely to want to hear both sides of a story and pay attention to real evidence over passionately-spoken words.  Still, I don't always get it right, and I do always sincerely hope people will turn a corner and change for the better!

Other quick thoughts:

Family court is rough, and I do not envy the judges who have to make custody decisions.

I see a lot of systemic brokenness in the juvenile system, and I am consistently frustrated by the way DHS operates.  

I believe people always have a choice when they screw up or hit rock bottom - 85%+ seem to choose victim-thinking and staying stuck in old patterns, but 15% find the inner grit to put in the messy hard work and change their future path for the better.  I love to see that!

(The above holds true for criminals and non-criminals alike, and I want to be in the smaller group who chooses active transformation over self-pity!)

There is real evil and violence and pain and trauma in the world.  We see a lot of people in their most stressful season, which is true for counseling profession, as well.  Prayer matters, character matters, kindness matters, and anchoring yourself in eternal hope matters.  We all have the opportunity to be a light shining in a dark world!

Speaking of lights that shine in darkness, here's our family pic with the harvest moon/supermoon last night!  Unsurprisingly, the selfie in night-mode failed to really capture it well, but still, yay for God's creativity, and yay for family dinners!!

Our jury trial ended with a not guilty verdict yesterday, and our second trial for this week settled - huzzah!  So today was light and breezy, and I met my cousin, Ashley, for lunch at La Baguette in Norman!  It had been a while, and it was really good to catch up with her!

And their bakery is legit.

Mel's podcast on how to combat overwhelm included some fantastic, counterintuitive advice.  This = my key takeaways, but it's worth listening to (HERE).

And that's all I have for today!

See y'all tomorrow!! =)

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Worldview

Day 5:  Write about a season when your faith or worldview guided you through something challenging.

Truly, that would apply in all the difficult seasons of my life.

But for today, I'll go with pressing through obstacles to earn my Master's degree!  It's an accomplishment and a memory that encourages me now as I pursue my doctorate.

You have to "do your own work" when you pursue a counseling degree -- which means processing your own ambiguous grief, trauma, anger, fear, confusion, etc. to be as healed as possible in your work with others.  Most of us are intentional about facing those things head-on, but if you are not, things in the program are likely to confront you and naturally bring up the things you've been avoiding.  

I would say the two defining components of my worldview come from Eldredge's "Hope in the Coming Kingdom" and Miller's "Hero on a Mission."  When my mind falls into comparison or jealousy, it helps me tremendously to remember that what EVERY PERSON experiences here on earth is partial and incomplete, so that I do not set my expectations too high for anything I am pursuing here, and I remember to anchor my heart in the hope of Heaven!  

It also really helps me to keep a forward-thinking, action-oriented, purposeful mindset where I always have meaningful goals that will benefit me and others that I am working toward!  (Hero on a Mission.)  In times of sadness or grief, it is easier to fall into self-pity, but I'm doing my best to avoid a victim mindset.  I am not helpless, and I am not apathetic.  I want to keep a proper perspective, to meet with trustworthy guides, and to remember my God-given power and agency to choose how I move forward!!

Current top 3 goals:*

1. Earn my PhD (so that I can become a CCU professor)
2. Establish a consistent workout routine and lead with protein (to reach goal weight of 155)
3. Spend 12-15 minutes a day meditating on God's love for me (until I have done it for 30 days solid)

Okay, that was helpful for me to think through.  Adoption/motherhood had been at the top of that list for so long that I hadn't really bothered to set a new relational goal until now.  I've heard multiple podcasts lately with themes around how mindfulness and meditation positively change our brains... along with the value of deeply understanding God's love for us, and I can feel myself being stubbornly resistant to all of it, so I'm going with that as my core relational goal for right now, which will help me choose the next one.

*Donald Miller recommends that we always have 3 goals that are personally meaningful to us -- no more, no less -- and to always add a new one when you reach or change one of your goals.  I love that framework - it gives you a consistent sense of purpose, but does not set any one thing too high!  Obviously, authoring a book will be on my list post-graduation, but not quite yet.

That's all for today.
Happy Wednesday, friends and fam!! =)
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Pedestals and Power

In the wake of my embryo adoption decision, I scheduled three follow-up sessions with Emily.

Potentially our most productive sessions thus far, so I am very grateful!

Yesterday, we discussed my tendency to put others on a pedestal... throughout life, I tend to choose one person who stands out to me as trustworthy then gradually view their opinions and feedback as more valuable than my own, seeking it out, and naturally assuming the slightly inferior role (whether or not they view themselves as superior).  This aligns with old anxious attachment insecurities, intense rejection history, and the Enneagram 9 tendency to merge with others and avoid conflict by minimizing my own opinions - I've been aware of most of that for a while.

But Emily asked how this pedestal tendency serves me, which was a new thought.

I immediately started laughing knowing what she meant.  As counseling students, we learn that our defense mechanisms and negative habits always serve some helpful purpose in our lives.  Otherwise, we'd have an easier time giving them up.  People often try to break these negative patterns without giving much conscious thought to why they chose to build and reinforce them in the first place.  It's worth consideration!

Anyway, the best I could come up with off the cuff was that I always view the person on the pedestal as strong and protective, and I greatly value protective strength.  And maybe I tend to assume the smaller/lower role because there is less responsibility there, and it does not require me to step up, decide, be strong, and/or lead as often.  It's self-protective and takes some of the pressure off of me.

Of course, that ties into the learned helplessness and conditioned apathy that I wrote about in my leadership class.  Situations where you care, but you have trained yourself to pretend you don't really care.  Or you know change would be very difficult, so you gradually give into the idea that you are powerless.  It was the first time I made the connection between feeling inspired to write about all of that during the leadership class, then very intentionally reminding myself a few weeks later that I am not trapped or powerless when I strongly identified with Gladys' miserable walk down the aisle in Gilded Age...  Which led directly into me closing the embryo adoption chapter and finally feeling peace about all of that.  No worries if you didn't follow all of that - I'm mostly writing it for my own future reference.

Honestly, embracing my own agency and power to choose and take action is literally the overarching theme of the last several years of my life.  I haven't done it perfectly, but every decision matters.  Sometimes, I naturally embrace the lesser role out of a false religious guilt that it would be ungodly to feel powerful.  But Scripture is pretty clear that God Himself gives us a spirit of POWER and love and sound judgment rather than timidity or fear!  We have a certain amount of power and authority in Christ, and God means for us to walk in it, not cower or play the victim.

Emily and I also talked about how when you put others on a pedestal, it makes you smaller.

Then we talked about the litany of mixed messages I have received over the past four decades about the value of being small versus the value of being strong.  I told her one of my favorite Peloton quotes was "Make yourself strong, never small!"  (And I'm 90% certain that small vs. strong line of thought will be the theme of my future book, because there is SO MUCH THERE -  mind, body, soul, and spirit!!)

That's all for today.  Yay, therapy! lol

Embrace your God-given power!

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control]."  ~2 Timothy 1:7

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Reality vs. Expectation

This scene from 500 Days of Summer still hits hard.

Precious Joseph Gordon-Levitt goes to a party full of hope for a fun night where he reconnects with his ex-girlfriend and they dance and laugh and have sparkly conversation and go home together.  Instead, he drinks alone and makes small talk with strangers while watching her be flirty and fun with other men.  They do a split screen through the entire night of his expectations versus reality, and it resonates because we've all been there.  Not that specific scenario, but anything in life where the reality we experience falls incredibly short of what we had imagined...

While it's true that the entirety of my time living in the OKC area has not played out according to my original expectations, for me, this disconnected split-screen feeling is most true of my experience with the counseling profession.

The vision was Isaiah 61:1-4, connecting deeply with hurting people, speaking words of life, potentially using walk-and-talk therapy, helping clients break free from strongholds, and making a real and tangible difference in their futures.  When I signed up for night classes at SNU to pursue a counseling career 13 long years ago, I was seeking purposeful, relational work where my voice and heart would matter.  I believed that empowering clients to move forward with more hope and peace would be a vital, fulfilling, and financially stable career path.

That shiny expectation is gradually slipping away as I step closer to a potential career transition.  I am jumping through painful hoops and absurd rules as an LPC-Candidate, navigating the seemingly endless red tape, and looking for encouragement in counselors' "support groups" that are thickly layered with negativity, exhaustion, and self-protective tips on preventing lawsuits and angry emails.  The mental health crisis is real, candidates cannot accept insurance, and the mental health coverage rules for Medicaid are shifting (not in the favor of counselors or clients).  On top of that, I prefer working with adults, but every agency I've spoken with would prefer that I specialize with children (while no one has truly bothered to teach me how to do that well).  Many parents don't want personal counseling but want us to magically fix their kids.  And there is an absurd expectation for counselors to heal the trauma, teach the coping skills, diagnose accurately and quickly, and faithfully document their every move with measurable results and positive outcomes.

Disenchanted is an understatement.

The red tape, the fear-based thinking, expensive supervision meetings, personal safety concerns, lack of professional identity, lack of financial security/opportunity, unfair pressure to support everyone in their unique values and avoid offending anyone, it all feels... exhausting isn't even the right word.  I'm a gritty person, and I don't mind hard work.  Misaligned?  Disappointing?  Far from my hopes and expectations?  Closer.  I adore CCU's "grace and truth" motto.  I have loved so much of what I've learned and experienced there, and it makes me want to shine the light of Christ in a dark world!  But in the real world of counseling, the light of Christianity is being dimmed and hidden.  I can feel the OK board's lack of grace and support with their rigid timelines and infuriating love of technicalities.  It feels like every candidate I know is struggling with absurd stress levels and the lack of financial and emotional support... and it saddens me how much all of the above clouds our ability to be creative, to genuinely connect, and to offer compassionate and wise counsel!

It's not right, and it's not what I signed up for...

Still, I believe God has opened these doors for me.

And I believe that He doesn't waste anything.

Which means I am feeling this severe disenchantment for a reason.

(And it's probably not just about what's best/easiest for me.)

........

I know that social media sometimes reflects the loud minority, and that gives me hope that there are some counselors who are quietly thriving.  Either way, I know I am not alone in this frustrated perspective, but you cannot know how deeply flawed it all is until you're at the epicenter where you've invested so much time, money, and energy into this career that it becomes difficult to change course (the sunk cost fallacy).

It can be hard for me to articulate well, but I feel a deep-seated, growing, nearly-overwhelming awareness of what is wrong.

And I guess that's usually step one.

Honestly, my first (self-protective) instinct is to let all of this go and stick with the comfortable safety and stability of court reporting... it's likely there for me for as long as I choose it.

BUT the leadership course and the encouragement of Dr. Burkhart has me wondering what else God is up to here.  What others-focused role I might play in turning things around for future counselors (and their clients).  Where I might make a real and lasting difference through advocacy, servant leadership, teaching, supervision, research, writing, and yes, even counseling.  The original hope/calling is still in there, and growing stronger in me even as I write this... so it's worth pausing and praying about.  I'll keep you posted.

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"The Sovereign Lord has filled me with His Spirit.  The Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the suffering and afflicted.  He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted, to announce liberty to captives, and to open the eyes of the blind.  He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of God's favor to them has come, and the day of His wrath to their enemies.  To all who mourn in Israel He will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness.  For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.  And they shall rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities long ago destroyed, reviving them though they have been deserted for many generations."

~Isaiah 61:1-4

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Thankful Thursday #232!

"Rejoice always, pray continually;

give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today, I am thankful for...

1.  Teresa, whose birthday is today!! ❤  I'm grateful for her friendship and support and kindness through the years... and of course, I'm thankful for the key role she played in raising the best person I know!

2. That my niece and youngest nephew are having a fun Fall Break... Rach took them TPing Tuesday night, and seeing this pic brings back lots of fun memories!!

3.  Happy, colorful fresh flowers!  On the latest Eldredge podcast, they talked about how the beauty we find in our favorite parts of God's creation has a powerful healing impact on our souls, and I've been thinking about that and looking for it more since.  For me in this season, it's the details of colorful flowers and the calming effect of being near water (ponds, lakes, oceans, even pools).

4.  This reminder not to take the present gifts and joys for granted.

5.  A last-minute lunch plan with Mom yesterday... good talk, good food, and good for me! ❤

6.  Long story, and I can't go into all the details here, but I'm grateful for what God has taught me through my first and last paying client at ITS!  I was questioning the value of counseling and feeling like access to money made more of a tangible difference in people's lives than any counseling skill or intervention ever could, then something happened that flipped that script and reminded me that strong relationships and self-respect are worth more than anything money can buy.  It's been a journey the past couple months, but I needed that reminder!  Starting to feel more like myself again, and I'm grateful.

7.  At Jace's football game, a kind mom came over to talk to Rach for a bit, and she was wearing a cute t-shirt that said, "Motherhood is Kingdom Work."  True, and I felt myself quickly tear up as I read it - reminding me that I'm not quite okay just yet - then I looked away and pulled myself back together.  Yesterday was Infant Loss Awareness day, and there were several posts and podcasts that were helpful to me in this ambiguous grief.  Anyway, in talking to Chet about that moment at Jace's game, without being dismissive of my emotions, he reminded me that a lot of other things I'm already doing or stepping toward qualify as valuable "Kingdom work."  And again, I needed that reminder in this season!  So I'm grateful for God-given reminders of better things ahead, for the gradual healing process I can feel, and for what is hopefully the first of many publishing contracts I got to sign this week!! ;-)  (I was surprised to learn they're actually paying me to co-author a chapter of a counseling textbook with a CCU professor, and I laughed when they assumed I was also a professor - I'll take it.)

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Football Fun, Part 2

Jace's Fan Club for his last home game this football season! =)

Post-game pics - Rach had this shirt made on Etsy - cuteness!

Jace, TJ, and Jace!

Kyndal and Kenzie!

Removing the uniform is still an entertaining struggle. lol

Front pic before the sweaty uniform change!

Aunt Lindsey, Jace, and Mamaw!

And outside the world of football, here's Kristin helping Mom decorate on Sunday (I was also there, but mostly to support and document). lol

And the wonderful Moss Fam! ❤

Work in progress...

Happy Tuesday, friends and fam!!

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Breaking the Cycle

Emily and I talked again tonight...

I mentioned my nervous system feeling fried and on edge... that I haven't cried much but feel like tears are right at the surface, that all the little things feel heightened in their importance and weight right now.

(A fairly normal reaction after a pivotal year and the very heavy decision I have faced this past month - she encouraged me to be gentle and have grace with myself.)

I am confident in my decision to close the chapter, and I am moving toward peace and calm and stability, but the nervous system is not an on/off switch, and I'm absolutely still in the process of calming down and resetting my nervous system.

I told Emily I've been questioning myself about the doctoral program over the past week, wrestling internally and wondering if I'm making the right decision there.  I said I am really struggling to trust myself in either direction and wanting to avoid any big moves or major decisions in this recovery season.

She carefully asked whether it might be possible that my nervous system has become so accustomed to me being in a state of indecision and limbo that self-doubt feels like the most familiar path - (something I naturally default back into without much conscious awareness).

Umm, wow, yes!!  Having recognized a similar tendency to choose chaos in another friend, I knew exactly what she was talking about, and hearing that was an immediate epiphany for me!  I'm not sure how I never recognized it in myself before, but we often have blind spots in our own lives that are much easier for others to see clearly from an outside perspective.  (Hence, the need for the counseling profession).

Anyway, that resonated!  For years now, in any number of major and minor decisions, this state of internal chaos and self-doubt, deeply questioning myself has become the very exhausting but familiar course for me, struggling to trust my own intuition or ability to make good decisions, trusting others more naturally than I trust myself, and consistently looking for outside validation and support.

And that's not coming from God.

And it's not based in truth.

And it's not serving me.

Awareness is key, so I'm grateful!!

And I'm going to be working to stay aware of that dynamic, be gentle with myself, and build up my self-trust and inner peace/confidence.

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Letting Go & Holding On

This was not the most stressful season of my life, but it was absolutely the most consequential decision I've ever been called to make.  It involved a lot of prayer and inner wrestling and seeking wise counsel.  To massively summarize it, I have decided to let go of my adoption plan while holding firmly to my faith in God's bigger plan. ❤

Emily and I talked about the "sunk cost fallacy" last week.  Sometimes, we keep pushing and investing in something we know is not working purely because of how much we've already put into it.  This is often the case in abusive marriages, bad relationships, and other misaligned decisions.  I will try to be more aware of that dynamic as life moves forward, making the wise choice as early as possible!

My harmony-loving Enneagram 9 self was on the far end of the stress spectrum through most of August and September.  Now I'm taking a breather to calm my frazzled nervous system before I make a 4th quarter comeback toward growth!!

A lovely Lake Hefner jog after my CBD oil & hot stone massage on Saturday!

#therapyhomework #arealquickyes

Reminding myself of this over and over...

"David, nobody cares!" -Alexis Rose

(Not that nobody cares about me, but that no one is analyzing my life or judging my every decision in the way I occasionally imagine.  They're busy dealing with their own lives, and I am free to do what is right for me. And to let them think whatever they want about it.)

A key verse God used to speak to me lately.

Seeing our new "In God We Trust" on the courthouse while I'm out walking in Norman always makes me happy (this = the ground view from The Well right across the street from my office windows).

People guessed that today's look was for Halloween or OSU,

but it's just more T-Swift inspired orange brightness! =)

Let's hope so...

Truly, I'm saving most of the details for a future book, but this was not a small thing to me.  It has been heavy and hard, and I was not okay for a bit.  I am deeply grateful for the patience, wise counsel, and encouragement of Chet Lee, Mom,  Emily, and Kristin.  I'm gradually seeing the light at the end of this tunnel now, but still in the process of buttoning things up to close this lengthy and confusing chapter... while figuring out what my new chapter of life may look like and where to plant my focus moving forward.

I do not know what that will look like yet.  But in a way that feels real and substantive to me, I trust that God has good things in store.

Wednesday walk with Kristin last week - happy to get back into that routine!!

It made me smile to see this and imagine myself stopping on the course to trace this random pumpkin whilst breathing deeply.  I wouldn't put it past me. lol

"Anxiety isn't the problem.  It's the alarm."  This feels true for me (I feel jittery and anxious when things are out of alignment).  I am working on trusting myself and paying attention to what my body is telling me more quickly on things like that!

Happy 45th Birthday to Jeffrey Edward, a real JEM of a friend for the past 15+ years!!

(These pics from his 33rd bday party still make me happy!) ❤

Happy Belated Birthday (57 yesterday, 10-6) to Mel Robbins!!  What a gift her podcast and books and 2024 Launch program have been for me... excited to get to see her live in Dallas next April!  ❤

Happy Belated Bday (36 on 10-5) to Travis Kelce! lol

And finally, Happy Belated Jesus-year Birthday (33 on 10-2) to Rachel Elizabeth, a fellow Swiftie and fun friend!  I'm excited to see the Shoemaker fam in Tulsa again next month!! ❤

That's all for now.

As Jeffrey would say,

"Make it a great day!"

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