Okay, so I've been a big fan of ChatGPT since Holly first introduced the concept! I have used it for small medical questions, resume adjustments, workout routines, meal planning, refining my vitamins, brainstorming, proofreading, generative writing, therapy session planning, marketing ideas, fun caricatures, online dating questions, and more. In many areas, it's been a helpful tool... but lately, I am very intentionally leaning away from it and leaning harder into my walk with God. As a single woman struggling to find a man with aligned values and intelligence, it's pretty easy to start turning to AI for quick validation and in-depth relational wisdom... when we absolutely need to be going to Jesus and/or friends and family for those things! John Eldredge wrote a newsletter about the dangers of that very thing, when we create a counterfeit sense of intimacy with something that is:
A) Not real or as safe/secure as we hope
B) Not infallible or consistently trustworthy
C) Not aligned with His purpose for me
So all that to say, I've deleted past chats and taken it off of my phone. I was convicted about using it for school when I started the PhD program (HERE). I did not touch it once throughout Dr. Burkhart's leadership class, spending hours studying articles and writing papers. I worked very hard, and I was proud of my papers and presentations, and it paid off! Dr. Burkhart was proud of my work, too... he was incredibly supportive and became an esteemed mentor for whatever I may pursue in the future with CCU!
I believe the same positive outcome will be true as I step away from using AI for relational coaching and make a very sincere effort to turn to Jesus and friends and family and therapists for the things I've been seeking faster answers to online.
The "last straw" for me was when I asked ChatGPT to give me an example of conflict and resolution in Voyage of the Dawn Treader, one of the Narnia books. It told me that Lucy uses a magic spell to create light when their ship sails into darkness... that seemed strange to me, much more like Harry Potter than C.S. Lewis, and Kyndal doubted the accuracy, as well.... so I asked ChatGPT if that was absolutely accurate about the book, and it said no - in the book, Lucy prays to Aslan, and He leads them back to light. Ummmmm, nope. Massive difference, and I was taken aback by how very quickly and decisively it wrote God out of the story and created powerful people who did not need His help (without mentioning that it changed anything at all). Took the app off my phone that day.
So going along with my renewal theme, I am sincerely seeking God and His leading and wisdom!
The answers may come slower and less clearly, but I know I can trust His heart and His Word.
God is real, safe, secure, infallible, and consistently trustworthy!
And He has a plan and purpose for our lives that only He can clarify.
Let's be incredibly careful to guard our hearts and keep Him at the center of our story!!
Happy last day of March 2026! Spring is off to a pretty good and productive start!
Chettles bought a Lexus GX from our fav Tulsa Lexus salesman, Aaron Little!
This pic brings me lots of joy - a preshface in her colorful hair towel, and Chet taking the pic whilst driving through their neighborhood! lol Naturally, Mom disapproves of the white "non-color" choice, but Chet is loving it and says that's the realtor trend!
This = two shots from a live photo that made me laugh... Kristin looking amused/mildly annoyed as I'm pulling out my camera, then smiling it up with me on our Wednesday walk pic! lol
Tried something new and fun this past weekend, a Launch bungee fitness class where I got to sample the bungee cardio and the aerial yoga... you get in this thing like a hammock and you can swing and do random stretches and fully invert... that part was scary for me, but I'm proud of myself for trying it! (It was all fun, honestly, but they don't currently offer any morning class options, and I'm debating whether I would go often enough at night to make the cost worth it.)
Chet Lee with Rick and Margaret and their Terwilliger home ($900k midtown house where he's worked with them for a while to get it ready and will get a really great commission when it closes next month). I've never met them, but I feel invested since I talk to him regularly. lol
Can't remember if I've posted these before... Jaceman being Jaceman at family dinner, and Miss K with her peel-off lip stain the day we all met Kate for dinner in Dallas! =) Love them both!!
Truth.
Looks like Mark Anthony had a great Jesus year bday... I miss the Shoemaker fam!
My flights and Seattle hotels and Alaska cruise with Beth Moore are now officially booked and paid for the coming summer - YAY! I'm anticipating that being a retreat where I can really connect with and hear from God. Here's me with no glasses and no big smile sitting on the narrow laundry room floor to lean against my washing machine, as it's the only untextured white surface in my home I could find for a new passport pic! lol #makeitwork
The verse of the day popped up at 11:11... my screensaver verse for a while now says "My soul thirsts for God" as I've mentioned feeling like I'm in a dry wilderness season... and this was God gently answering, "If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me." ❤
MINDSET SHIFT TIME! I'm reminding myself of this lately:
There's a lot of truth to that. I have "practiced noticing" all the best things about my favorite people and all the worst things about people who tend to annoy me. I've practiced noticing God's goodness, but also practiced noticing what is wrong in the church. Most recently, I have practiced noticing what makes the counseling profession difficult, but have not been actively seeking what makes it valuable and rewarding. I've practiced noticing how difficult the first part of dating is (the online search, the small talk, the buildup, the potential rejection anxiety)... but haven't practiced thinking about all that could go right, and my low expectations of men (NOT low standards, but the educated belief that most men will fail to live up to them) sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I want to practice noticing what is good and pure and lovely and uplifting, Philippians 4:8 style!!
I've been in kind of a rough headspace lately, feeling shame and wanting to disappear and hide, but this is helping me. I was practicing noticing my own faults and failings and struggle to find purpose, rather than practicing noticing all the opportunities to do meaningful things in the life I have right now. I need to give my heart some space to grieve for the life I wish I had in this season - and then I need to pull it together and move forward. It's the major themes versus the minor themes John Eldredge often talks about.
To be dramatic but honest, my heart has felt like a wilderness or desert... dry, barren, empty, parched, hidden, weary.... (not a mom, not a wife, not a counselor, not an author)... desolate, unchosen, unfruitful. And the verse I read today about God bringing abundant flowers and singing and joy into the desert (Isaiah 35:1-2) was really a refreshing breath of fresh air for my soul and spirit!
I am believing Him for that kind of redemptive beauty in my life story!! ❤ Lather, rinse, repeat.
While still working and prioritizing people I care about, I gave myself grace to take a legit break from a few things in January and February. And now that March has arrived, I am embracing the natural growth and vibrant new life that comes with Springtime!!
The 1st day of March included signing up for a year of eHarmony and making an appointment to discuss Zepbound medication. And here on day 15, I have officially started the lowest dose of Zepbound, texted with an eHarmony match, reconnected with CCU friends and joined a extracurricular group project with Amy and Faith, spoken with my Student Services Advisor about potentially resuming PhD classes in October, helped plan a baby shower for my favorite fam, welcomed my newest niece, reconnected with several old friends, learned about potential job changes at the OCC this fall, jumped back into the Peloton "HardCore" workout calendar, and signed up for a bungee fitness class in Moore! Yay, Spring! lol
I've pushed myself to be busier and more productive on transcripts and other life goals lately.
I have not, however, felt very connected with God...
My soul thirsts for God, the living God, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
That's been my phone screensaver for a bit, and it's a true story.
I think I am feeling a little forgotten/abandoned/hurt/disoriented about where to find purpose and whether anything I pursue and care about really makes a difference or even matters to God - whether He is invested in my story or kinda checked out and leaving me to fend for myself -- and I really, really need to take those thoughts captive, separate the light from the darkness, and draw near to Him. I can feel myself being resistant lately, focusing on TV and friendships and busywork more than what matters most. All other ground is sinking sand - and I'm reminding myself of that right now. I will start my Renewal Write the Word prayer journal tomorrow morning, and I will make a new Power Thoughts list and video for this season. I'm committing to that right now.
Shifting gears, here are some fun pics from a family dinner and game night earlier this month! (Jace is trying to get us to guess the word "synagogue" by putting a styrofoam bowl on his head to play the Rabbi Simeon role from their 4th grade play! lol)
Yes to this. Move on, learn, and adjust!
We got to catch up with Kate during Kyndal's Texas VB tournament - she's training for the Bike MS race in May, and I admire her resilient spirit and heart for Jesus! ❤
It's always fun to watch them!
Checking out the after-Christmas sales at Decorator's Warehouse (Texas's largest Christmas store) with Mom!
We had dinner with Kate and Evelyn on Friday, then her whole fam came to watch Kyndal play on Saturday! =)
Girls pic just before our drive back to Oklahoma!
Embracing the Peloton bike and app... this was Cody's 20-minute Guardians of the Galaxy ride (with music from that movie and Disney ride) - fun times!
While the bike workouts are great (and far more challenging now with the real Peloton bike), I really love being outside more often this year with my more relaxed remote schedule!!
This = a fun FaceTime catchup with Chettles and Sarah (at her AirBNB in Tahlequah) a couple days before baby Paige arrived... more on that in my next post!
Here's to Springtime and moving forward and March-ing on.
We had Olive Garden dinner and Sam's cake at Mom and Dad's to celebrate Rach's 40th Birthday on Wednesday!!
In spite of my best efforts and spelling it 2x on the phone, the bakery misspelled her name! And once again failed to make it fun and festive and glittery, but at least it accidentally matched her shirts! lol
Nom nom for us, David!
Yay for the Little Party Store in Sooner Mall!! They were super helpful with the balloon bouquet! And yay for Sam's cakes being tasty, even if their bakery decorators are a tad ridiculous.
One more family pic
True story.
And last but not least, here's the riff-off-style slideshow I made of 40 years in 4 minutes!! ❤
Happy Birthday, Rachael LaJo! The best is yet to come!!
Happy Friday the 13th, and Happy February. As I expected, this month has been better than January in all the ways. =)
On day 1, we did a belated birthday brunch for Tiffany at Cracker Barrel... yay, Swiftie hats (my bday gift for her)!! ❤
We had a good talk about seeking more joy and goodness in 2026.
Her friendship bracelets made me happy. #seethegood #seekjoy
❤
Our waitress was kind enough to give us both a complimentary bday dessert - yum!
Rita Wilson looking great at 69 - I'm a fan of her - she seems kind and classy!
On 1-28, I had my first protest hearing (and my second day of actually coming in for work at the OCC). This job has been a God-send for this season where I genuinely needed life to slow down while still feeling stable!
Focusing on God's kindness and on giving myself grace.
Rest in Peace Catherine O'Hara... I'm sad for her family, and sad that this means we will officially never get an SC movie or reboot with the full cast. =(
HBD to Jace Michael, who turned 14 on 2-2-26!
We celebrated with Pelican's dinner and cookiecake!
26 Dates in 2026... that's the goal! (1 down, 25 to go...) *Insert: As of my b-day, this goal has been revised to 12 in 2026, and I'm very much counting on at least one relationship where there are multiple dates with the same man. The endless messaging with men I feel lukewarm at best about has become tiring, and the lack of ask-outs always hits old rejection wounds, so I am praying to hold onto the personal confidence and faith-fueled hope I felt here early in the year!! Okay, back to the original post.
It's off to a good start, or that's how I am choosing to frame it. When the goal is high numbers, failure or bad matches get reframed as success and narrowing the field. lol
After four days of app-messaging and texting (throughout the Disney trip) plus five hours of fairly-intense phone conversations, I made the drive to Fort Worth, Texas on Saturday for a five-hour date (coffee followed by dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House) with a third-year law student! To be clear, he drove from San Antonio to meet me in Ft. Worth, so we were both putting in effort. I was very hopeful in the beginning, but due mostly to religious incompatibility about the exact path to salvation + some oversharing and dismissive tendencies on his end, it quickly became clear that K.P. was not the guy for me. Still, I am genuinely glad that I went and happy to be learning as I go here! (I have officially postponed my PhD program for one year, so in 2026, I will be putting more energy and time into the online dating apps and real world dating experience - and probably growing and learning just as much as I ever would have in school.) Here's my bathroom selfie at Avoca Coffee + a pic explaining that that hotel was where JFK spent his final night before his assassination (to be *very clear,* our restaurant was in a hotel, then I promptly drove back home.) lol
I am also very seriously leaning into the redemptive story arcs that God is so good at writing, paying more attention to the places where He has already brought redemption after loss or hard rejections (CCU after SNU being high on that list), and having more faith and hope that He is writing a good story for me, and that I can play an active part by seeking what I want and believing that I am worthy of it, (that I bring a lot to the table and it's okay to act like it)!
My confidence is up, my weight is down, my friendships are strong, my core values are solid, and I know I want more relational depth, intimacy, and fulfillment with a good, outgoing, assertive Christian man! We will see what God has in store. Megan's engagement story also helped to renew my hope, and my own focus on renewal is helping, too. God is good, and He is about redemption, healing, restoration, and giving us abundantly more than we ask Him for, so I am choosing faith and hope and confident expectation!
"As for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him, I keep watch!"
This = tonight's Wednesday walk with Kristin and a pic by the train at The Station - if you blur your eyes, it kinda looks like NYE fireworks going off behind us! lol
Happy trees and my favorite verse as today's verse of the day!
Jace and TJ riding the bikes they got for Christmas (and Kyndal joining them for a bit)! They rode from Rachael's house to Mom's house, which sounds slightly worrisome to me, but I'm sure they had fun!
Okay, the following prompts are courtesy of ChatGPT, who I often wanna call Chattles, but that would just get confusing. lol
❤️ Best of 2025
Best Decision I Made This Year: Setting boundaries and sticking with a difficult no
Best Yes I Said (Even Though It Scared Me): Joining the PhD Program
Best Trip / Day / Moment: My solo trip to NYC / Relay Marathon + Friendsgiving #14 / Reaching onederland for the first time since 2009
Best Book That Changed How I Think: Collective Illusions
Best Podcast: Mel Robbins & David Kessler or Craig Groeschel (Leadership Podcast) & Vanessa Van Edwards
Best Laugh: The ER trip with Rach
Best New Restaurant / Comfort Food: Paul's Place / Laurannae cupcakes
Most Life-Giving Relationship: Friendship with Chet Lee
Most Unexpected Encourager: Dr. Burkhart
Most Meaningful Goodbye: My long phone call with Kristen Harriss the week before she died
Most Honest Prayer: None of this makes sense - where are You?
Most “God Was Quiet but Present” Season: August
Biggest Shift in What I’m Asking God For: Asking for renewed security in Him
Most Healing Scripture or Truth: "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." -1 Timothy 1:7
What I’m Leaving in 2025: Striving to prove my value within the church through motherhood and/or marriage
What I’m Carrying Forward: God-given value
What I’m Still Becoming: Securely attached
One Word I’m Choosing for Next Year: Renewal
One Thing I’m No Longer Rushing: Family
One Thing I’m Saying Yes to Next: Peace
The Decision That Taught Me the Most: Adopting the Embryos
Most Unexpected Plot Twist: Turning down two good counseling job offers and taking another court reporting job for now
Best Moment That Wasn’t on My 2025 Bingo Card: Dr. Burkhart saying I would be a great professor and being willing to personally mentor me
Hardest Thing I Did—and Survived: Quietly walking away from my decade+ adoption plan and trying to make sense of that whole journey
Most Proud-of-Myself Moment: The cold and rainy February day when I rallied and ran 14 miles on my own (my longest run ever up to that point) - of all my runs this year, that one required the most inner grit
Most “Why Did I Say Yes?” Moment: Hitting the mental wall during Mile 22 of the Full Marathon - grateful I pushed through it
Most Spiritually Stretching Season: August & September
Biggest Lesson I Didn’t See Coming: That I am good with kids, and I can trust that (Epiphany on Epiphany post), and because of that, I don't have to strive or prove my value within the church through motherhood
Most Peace I’ve Felt All Year: Immediately after making the decision to close the door on embryo adoption - that peace lasted about 24 hours before I got very caught up in the whirlwind of spiritual warfare and worry over the opinions of others, but it was a God-given sense of peace that eventually returned as I prayed and got more confirmation there.
Most Unhinged Thought: "Okay, I'm totally calling Rachael on my drive back (from Dallas IVF) to find out if she's still willing to carry the baby for me!" *That was while waiting on Dr. Ku's ultrasound after my heart sank hearing about the fibroids, BUT then he said all was well to move forward so I was overjoyed and never made that phone call... he left a voicemail the very next day saying we would need to run further tests, then no one in OKC could do the test he ordered and it took over a month to get back into their office, then I needed another surgery to move forward, and by then, my mindset had shifted very gradually - I am seeing God's hand and timing in all of that now in ways I really couldn't before. Most people will never get the depth of it, and that's okay. At least I'm familiar with ambiguous grief. For the level of inner determination I felt, I had to adopt the embryos. I had to spend the money and try the IUIs and at-home insemination and do the home studies and profile books and sign the legal contracts and have the surgeries and be repeatedly disappointed and hear the hard medical news (2x about me and 2x about nonviable embryo matches) and deeply question God's will and my abilities then repetitively seek wise counsel and reassuring words from Chet, Mom, Emily, Kristin, etc. and go through that ENTIRE exhausting emotional path in order to ever reach the end of my rope and prayerfully choose to let. this. go. "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away," and both seasons mattered deeply for me here. ❤ I kind of feel like I am saying a final goodbye to that hope here as this year comes to a close, and it's bringing up some quiet grief and sadness for me (an odd contrast as I listen to my neighbors holding a comically-loud NYE party). Knowing how to move forward with a sense of purpose is still tricky and difficult, and I'm choosing not to tie a neat bow over that wound today.
Phrase That Describes This Year: Learning Curve
Praying God blesses us with hope and peace as we seek Him in 2026!
I shook hands with my old habits, let them tell me I belong.
They said, "Freedom is a rumor that only fools chase long."
But I heard a different whisper underneath the noise and doubts,
Something soft and steady saying, "Son, I'm not done now."
My past kept flashing headlines like it wanted me to read
Every sin I ever hid came begging on its knees.
I said, "Lord, I'm tired of running, tired of wearing borrowed skin
Tired of confusing punishment with discipline.
If freedom's just a rumor, let me die trying.
If grace is really real, then let it find me where I'm lying."
That's when the knocking turned to pounding
Like a war outside my chest.
Every lie I'd ever loved came dressed up as a test.
They said, "Remember who you were and how you always fall."
They said, "You'll crawl back here by night; you're nothing after all."
But faith don't always shout; sometimes it barely breathes.
Sometimes it shakes and stutters while it still believes.
I said, "I don't feel holy. I don't feel strong or clean,
But I'm standing in the doorway of the man I'm meant to be!"
I started laying down my blues, every lie and every crutch...
Turns out hell hates exits, and it hates when you don't look back.
I felt forgiveness hit me like I a weight I couldn't bear,
Heavy like an honest truth I wasn't ready to declare.
But I carried it with tears, and every step was new.
Freedom isn't flying; it's learning how to choose.
So knock if you want to. I hear you through the door.
But I've been to the bottom, and I won't live there anymore.
I know the sound of mercy, and I know the sound of change.
And I've finally learned the difference between conviction and shame.
Demons knock harder when you're almost free,
When the chains feel loose and the light starts finding me.
They don't kick the door when you're already down.
They wait till hope's breathin', and then come around.
They whisper my past like it's all I'll be,
But grace stands louder saying, "You belong to me."
So let 'em knock till their knuckles bleed.
I'm standing in the light, and I'm learning to believe.
I'm not who I was, and I don't have to be.
Demons knock harder... but I'm finally free!
(Not sure who to credit with writing this song, nor who truly sings it... the comments have assured me it's not really Chris Stapleton.) Either way, these lyrics are powerful for me, so I wanted them documented here. Happy almost new year, gang. I'm fairly certain I'll write one more post before the day is over!
Hey friends, I hope you're having a lovely penultimate day of 2025!
Here's a random throwback pic of Rach and I icing sugar cookies 20 freaking years ago. =)
My 2025 Recap from ChatGPT was interesting... them throwing in a silver sequin gown as if that's been a big part of my daily life (bc of the popular Christmas portrait prompt) definitely made me laugh!
It's okay for you not to know. It's not fun, but it's okay.
Christmas Eve dinner with the fam, 2021 and 2025! I like that if the Saltgrass table were round, we'd be in the exact same spots both years. =)
This feels true and keeps me going when I feel ready to just burn it all down. lol
In other news, I had my first day at the new job yesterday! I spent the morning in an HR Onboarding training for new hires, which meant getting our computers and ID badges and learning about the different departments in the OCC. It was me, two Administrative Law Judges, and 3 Dept of Transportation guys. Then Amy (the Court Admin who is also a CR) and Andrea (my manager and another CR) took me out to lunch at Ted's Tacos and Cantina, a cute mini-version of Ted's Cafe Escondido -- fun! And we spent the afternoon getting to know each other and getting me set up with access for Zoom.gov, Teams, Outlook, Laserfiche, Workday, etc. Other than carrying my heavy machine around all day for no real reason, it was a really great first day! The Apple sticker over my Dell laptop from the OCC made me laugh. lol
Today = day one of working from home... yes, please! They had assigned me a random transcript to slowly practice on, then the attorneys ended up calling and wanting it expedited today, so that was a fun first-day challenge! lol I assumed I wouldn't be filing any transcripts for them until 2026, but it makes me happy that I made $364 in this final transcript on the 364th day of the year. My bedroom mirror needs to be dusted ASAP, but yay for getting to be in comfy clothes all day!
Four computer monitors, two keyboards and mouses, my steno machine setup for realtime writing, headphones and a foot pedal for transcription, and all the cords organized and working properly - let's freaking go! lol
So the new job is off to a great start - I genuinely like my coworkers and think it's cool that I'll be managed by CRs who understand this work - I am loving my home office setup and believe this flexibility will be awesome - I did well and felt appreciated and made good money today - everyone in my family is generally doing well, and we had a pretty fantastic Christmas - I have a 4.0 GPA in my doctoral courses thus far and successfully co-authored a chapter of a textbook during my busiest school semester in life to date - Annie and Eddie are planning more fun shows together in 2026 - I've subscribed to Southern Living magazine for lots of fun episodes with Melanie and Sophie ahead - I'm looking forward to a Disney trip with the Wilson fam and a Dallas trip to see Mel Robbins live and an Alaska cruise with Beth Moore and her team - people who care about me have been kind - I believe my embryo adoption decision was the right one - I get to see my Tulsa friends in a couple days for Chet's Polar Bear Plunge event - and I am genuinely grateful for all of the above!!
And yet... I'm *also* feeling a vague sadness, some low-level anger, and what I'm going to call a fear-of-future-loneliness that's been hard to shake. I watched two new-to-me movies this week that I thought would be light and cheery, but they both held some heavy scenes of grief and loss. I'm feeling unsure about how to move forward and very tempted to believe none of it matters, (which I know to be false and dangerous ground). I listened to John Eldredge's year-end podcast tonight advising us to pray over the past year and the year ahead, taking stock of all God has done for us and in us and through us, confessing specific sin that comes to mind, inviting Jesus into the memories that feel frozen in time, grieving our losses, praying for wisdom and counsel for the year ahead, and intentionally consecrating our hopes and all that lies ahead in 2026 to God - re-consecrating our mind, body, soul, and spirit to be submitted to His will and purpose. So I'm planning to take that very seriously and take some quiet time to pray through all of the above tomorrow on the final day of 2025.
Happy New Year's Eve Eve, friends and fam! I love you and believe in you, and I sincerely hope that you finish well in 2025 and have a richly beautiful, God-honoring 2026 ahead!!
