Doctoral Residency, Part 2!

Writing from a hotel room in Goodland, Kansas tonight!  Grateful for a comfy bed - the dorm mattresses are rough - 3.5 hours down, 6.5 to go tomorrow!

This = Friday breakfast with Ashley and Robyn, one of my favorite parts of this CES Residency!  They were the role play students that I "mentored" or supervised last year.  We had some great talks then and I gave them a list of tips and professor recommendations as they were beginning the Master's program.  So glad I texted them on Thursday ~ they were both back in CO as roommates at MAC Res 2, and we decided to meet up at 7am for breakfast... an hour and a half wasn't really enough time, but it was great to hear about their first year in the program, the internship sites they've found for this coming August, and their interest in the PhD program - which we discussed quite a bit, as well!  They both said thanks for the tips I gave them last year - they've had fantastic professors and are absolutely loving the program so far, so we were all just CCU fangirls talking it up! lol  Anyway, it was great to see them and catch up, and it really encouraged me to hear how something that took a small effort on my part made a big difference in their lives. ❤

Last July at their Res 1 and my Res 3 (they pair people up for role play exercises, then you work together the whole week coaching/supporting them as they practice counseling each other).

On that note, Christian counselors make awesome friends - the listening skills, the sincere empathy, and the strong tendency to dive right on into the deeper topics is such a breath of fresh air every time I'm surrounded by CCU Counseling Students!

Me and Heather Martinez, my roommate this year (there are three rooms that connect to the same living room common area - it was me and Heather, Alicia and Charisse, and Michelle and Laura)!  Heather is a wife and a mom of one boy and two girls, and she's already working as an LPC-Supervisor with a thriving counseling practice!

Finally getting to know Faith Smith, a peer from my CCU Master's cohort (but we had no classes together that whole time).  She and I helped co-lead Dr. Brashear's group of Masters Res 2 students yesterday, and it was awesome to hear their stories and stresses and answer their questions and encourage them and share a bit about our Practicum and Internship experiences!!  I loved being in that role and connecting with/encouraging people who are just a few steps behind me, and that reminder was a gift as I've been considering whether I would really enjoy a teaching/supervising role!

Alicia, Elyse, and Ellie taking a stretch break! lol

Everyone else got a drink with dinner last night, so I got a fun cheers-ing pic!

After our Saturday dinner at Lady Nomada (where we ran into Dr. Robinson from CCU)!

Me and Alicia and Terri went to see Thunderbolts after dinner... then had a great talk about how the movie illustrates shame/depression and the way we need community!

I love this campus.  That's all.

Worship session Sunday morning!

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The majority of today was "Super Statistical Sunday," where Dr. Wood talked with us for a long time about Quantitative Research and the SPSS software that will help with our calculations.  It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, and I'm quite thankful we're not having to memorize formulas or do any math by hand.  I can input data into a spreadsheet with the best of them. lol

After a long day of mostly stats work, it was soooo refreshing to end with a 40-minute lecture from Dr. Burkhart, followed by the group photo I'd been wanting all day, then the commissioning ceremony and closing prayer!

I so respect and value the Godly leaders at this school!  Also, I sent this pic to Chet because this slide made me think of him - he's good at most if not all of these "leadership paradoxes."

The new Considine Chapel... in a last-minute decision, Dr. Burkhart let us come in there for the group photo, then we stayed there for the final session, and it felt sacred in a way I can't really explain well in words.

Above = the 17 students in my cohort, along with Dr. Sara Wood, Dr. Gregg Elliott, and Dr. Selin Philip!

I'm so grateful for the words spoken to us and over us today!

Dr. Philip (in her humble but powerful way):  "Trust the process, and trust the God behind the process... Welcome to this holy, sacred work of leadership!"  

Dr. Elliott:  "You are where you are supposed to be - do not let go of it easily!  You made this decision with fortitude and faith and determination... and the only way you won't make it through at this point is if you choose not to make it!" ❤

The Res 2 doctoral students (CCU's first cohort) gathered around us along with the faculty and prayed over us... then we did the same surrounding them, and Dr. Burkhart prayed for all of us.  He started off with "Lord, I'm most grateful for when You showed up in moments of transition and seasons of change, when I needed guidance and had to make decisions that were scary or hard..."

I really felt that.  In spite of my deep love for CCU, I am not entirely sure that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life in this season.  Life tends to throw curveballs when we least expect it.  The adoption door is still in question for me, and I believe motherhood could also be a high calling and a vital role in God's Kingdom, and I have valid doubts about my ability to do both well in my current situation... Anyway, while thinking through all of that very quickly, Dr. Burkhart ended his prayer with:  "We pray that these students would advance Your Kingdom and Your mission and Your purpose in whatever role they find themselves!"  I was holding hands with Faith Smith and Dr. Wood, and I had tears rolling down both sides of my face at that point.  Because YES, Lord - that is the actual point - and I felt so much freedom as I heard him say that.  Honestly, the PhD is within reach for me, but it is just one of MANY ways that I might be able to advance God's Kingdom and mission - there is no pressure from God or no sense that this is the only way I can honor Him with my life - so I'm moving forward with classes and doing my best for now while holding these dreams loosely and keeping my heart open and surrendered to God's leading.  Not my will, but His purpose for me.  Dr. Philip gave each of us first-year students a bag of mustard seeds as a reminder that although we may feel small right now, God can grow our lives into something that nourishes others when we stay rooted in Him.  She gave each of the year 3 students a towel tied in a bow to remind them of Jesus' example of washing feet and serving others even as He led with great authority.  She's phenomenal, and I want to become her real life actual friend. lol

I can't say I have full clarity on what will happen moving forward, but I do have renewed peace and faith. ❤

If God chooses not to open the door for motherhood, then I will probably be back on the CCU campus in 2027, ready to complete my dissertation and move forward in my career calling.  If I become a Mom by that time, then I'll pray about it and hope to be back at CCU down the road.  I have six years from now to complete the PhD degree, so I'm aware of that ticking timeline, and I'm grateful to know that God has a good plan!  Whether it's two years or five years or somewhere in between there, I pray that God richly blesses Colorado Christian University until we meet again! =)

I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!  May we all advance God's Kingdom, His mission, and His purpose - right where we are today!

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"The Lord Will Make Your Paths Straight"

I had a brief conversation with Mr. Smith in the CHA gym lobby after Abby's graduation...  he asked when I was moving back to Tulsa.  Several people saw that announcement video but totally missed the follow-up. lol  I told him that was still my hope at some point, but I wasn't really sure when it would happen.  Without knowing any of the factors playing into my decision, he thought about it for a minute and said (with what I knew to be sincere care): "Well, the Lord will make your paths straight."

I loved that.
It caught me off guard in a good way.

This = Ken and Cheryl, Megan Elizabeth's wonderful parents.
He was also a CHA teacher, so I still call him Mr. Smith.

I Googled that verse, not realizing it was Proverbs 3:5-6.  I've thought about it a lot since.  The translation I'm much more familiar with says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."  That was the Bible App verse of the day on Wednesday, and the header verse posted on CCU's page when I signed into my new classes for the first time this week... not an accident or coincidence.  

True to Enneagram 9 form, I have been questioning things and looking at it from all sides, wrestling with whether to move forward in pursuing the doctorate vs. whether the cost is too high (financial, emotional, relational, etc.).  And true to His own faithfulness, God has been giving me little nudges of confirmation and clarity.  In my counseling session on Thursday, Emily asked what I felt when I thought about going forward with the program, and I immediately said, "pressure."  I feel confident that God heard that and sent this verse as a timely reminder for me yesterday.

Dr. Philip is the head of CCU's doctoral program and one of the most solid, Godly women I have encountered.  We each write a "Get to Know You" post before residency, and this was part of hers...

Hi new CES students,

I’m Dr. Philip, and I am so grateful to be with you at the beginning of something both beautiful and significant.  [She shared part of her story and family life here]...

Regardless of the roles the Lord calls me to, I’m simply a woman learning to say 'yes' to whatever He places before me, even when it looks nothing like what I ever imagined... I care deeply about spiritual transformation - not the polished kind, but the kind that happens when Jesus meets us in our weakness and says, “I am not done with you yet" and we surrender to His will.

I want to keep walking in the direction of purpose, and for me, that purpose is Jesus Himself. He is not just the one who gives us the reward. He is the reward. I delight in Him.  I want to help raise up counselors who do not just know the textbook, but who know the Healer. I want to help form leaders in the counseling field who do not just profess knowledge, but live it. And I want to be faithful where my feet are, trusting that God wastes nothing, not our pain, not our passion, not our past.

I am so excited to hear your stories and to walk alongside you in this first step of your doctoral journey. I pray you feel a sense of belonging here. God is up to something good.

With joy,

Dr. Philip

So good!  I loved what she said about this being the beginning of something beautiful and significant, and learning to say yes to whatever God places before her even when life doesn't look like she'd imagined.  Love the part about knowing the Healer, not just the textbook, and the timely reminder that Jesus is our reward, and God wastes nothing (that's been another concern for me recently - that if I don't finish the program, it would've been wasted effort - not true).  Finally, her parting words reminded me that I do feel a sense of belonging at CCU, and I do believe God is up to something good, soooo YAY!

Whew... the last five months have been tiring and hard on my sense of calling and identity as a counselor.  Satan meant for them to be.  I wrote an email asking about deferring the program yesterday morning, then I've prayed and read a lot and had some important conversations since then.  I am grateful to Emily and to Chet Lee for asking good questions and reminding me of important truths and helping me sift through my current grief and overwhelm to process this big decision, and I'm grateful to Mr. Smith for the reminder that the Lord will make my paths straight and show me which path to take.  For now, that looks like giving my best effort here - not reluctantly or in response to pressure, but cheerfully and with sincere gratitude for God opening this door, surrendering and saying yes to what He has placed before me, even when it looks nothing like the life I once imagined.  Looking forward to my sixth trip to Colorado next week to start this program - get excited!

Whatever decisions you may be facing today,

trust in God and seek His will,

and He will show you which path to take!

❤ ❤ ❤

Patterns vs. Possibilities

One more quick post, then I'm really done for tonight. lol

Who I Believe I Am vs. Who I Know I Can Be

My Patterns vs. My Possibilities

Of all the random memes I’ve scrolled past on Facebook, this one stopped me.  It rings deeply true, and I had to sit with it for a minute.

On one hand, I know who I can be—the woman I believe God is calling me to become...
A woman others see, love, and learn from.
A woman of fierce integrity, willing to take big steps of faith, bold risks for God's calling.
An excellent mother who leads with confidence.
A loving wife who is deeply loved and desired.
A wise counselor who speaks with Godly wisdom.
A teacher who truly cares and makes an impact.
A courageous author who writes with vulnerability and authority.
A whole, healed, wholehearted version of me. ❤

But on another level, I often believe myself to be someone... smaller.
The woman who quietly fades into the background.
Who cuts corners.
Who is hesitant and overly practical when risks are required.
Still waiting for motherhood and doubtful it will ever come.
Shaped by rejection, questioning whether anyone could find me beautiful or choose me.
The competent, behind-the-scenes court reporter—but not a leading voice.
Too entangled in her own mess to offer clarity to anyone else.
The longtime blogger who isn’t sure her words are book-worthy after all.
Fearful.  Stagnant.  Lacking real power.

*******

I know I can be fit and healthy in a balanced way that inspires others and brings me joy.

But I often believe myself to be stuck in unhealthy cycles (which I'll dig into more during my next session with Emily).

Honestly, this is more of a pep talk for myself than anything else—but hopefully it encourages you, too.  This inner tension explains why I’ve felt so stuck.  I want forward progress, and I need to get very intentional about dedicated time with God and renewing my mind through His Word, realigning my heart identity with God's calling for me.

What we believe about ourselves MATTERS.
We cannot embrace change until our identity shifts.

I’m making slow and steady progress lately—and I pray it continues.

If any of this resonates with you, know you are not alone.  Every day presents a choice:  Our old patterns, or our future possibilities.

Choose your best future.
Keep going!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
~Romans 12:2

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Mother's Day 2025!

Happy Mother's Day to Mom and Rachael, and to ALL the moms and mother-figures I know and love and value... it is not a short list!! ❤

The Mini Miss K made Rach this lovely board for Mother's Day!!  Love it and love her!

This has been a major year in my personal life, full of big goals and hard conversations and big emotions and looming transitions, and I'm so grateful for Mom's love and support through it all!! ❤

The front of Rach's card to Mom. lol

Kyndal decorated this envelope for Rachael's card - the "Diet Coke" acrostic with O-mazing and E-asy to trick makes me pretty happy! lol

I've been listening to Ocean's 13 as I blog tonight.  I adore the scene where the 3-minute countdown starts and everyone in the casino is hitting jackpots and winning loads of money - so fun!!  Crazy that it was released way back in 2007 - I had this pic on my bulletin board for years. lol

Do I have some deeper thoughts on Mother's Day?  Of course I do.  Do I feel the need to focus on my feelings and unmet desires on a day that's meant to honor and celebrate the wonderful mothers who are making a difference in the world?  Not so much.  I'm confident in God's timing and love, and I'm grateful for all the Moms who have helped shape my life and for all the amazing kids I have the privilege of loving and supporting!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

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Graduation!!

Summa Cum Laude /High Distinction Grades by Lindsey Claire.

Diploma by Colorado Christian University.

Curls and Graduation Cap by Rachael LaJo. ;-)

Class of 2025 College of Adult and Graduate Studies

CCU Commencement Ceremony - May 9, 2025

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Mom took the pic on the right - the sun flare and curly hair makes it everything I wanted it to be!  I got several compliments on the cap, and one of the CCU photographers even stopped me and asked me to turn around and look up. lol  So I'm super grateful to Rach for taking the time to make it awesome!!  Most of the graduates stuck with the plain black cap, but there was one other graduate who had a great decorated cap and sparkly pink high heels, and I believe she and I would be friends if we got to know each other! lol

Okay, let's start at the very beginning... a very good place to start! ;-)

Me, Lauren, and Amy sharing pics in the Roomies text group on our way to Colorado on Thursday!

A brief tour of the CCU Campus with Mom! ❤

We ran into Lauren and her fam while touring the new Armstrong Center chapel building!

(Pic on the right is in the Anschutz Student Center.)

Our Southwest flight and Budget car rental (silver Chevy Blazer) went pretty smoothly.  Driving in Denver traffic is never my favorite, but I did fairly well over the past two days!  Mom and I shared an In n Out Burger for a late lunch near the CCU campus, and we had plans to meet Holly Dei for an early dinner at the Cherry Creek Grill.  We shared a couple appetizers and meals there, and Mom loved their deviled eggs and BBQ ribs!  We had a good talk catching up on life, took a quick driving tour of the Cherry Creek area - a really nice suburb of Denver, then checked out the Modera Apartments rooftop view before touring Holly's apartment!

Holly's place was really nice, and we got to meet her new rescue dog, Jack, which was fun!

She had a steamer we borrowed for my Graduation gown and hood, so that was awesome!  

Since I had it all out anyway, I got a cap and gown pic with Holly Dei!

Rooftop pic with Mom and Holly overlooking downtown Denver!  After that, we had an hour drive to our hotel - the Marriott Courtyard in Loveland... we were there for such a short time, but it was one of the nicer hotel rooms we've had (with a couch and living room area, three chairs, two queen beds, and two TVs).

I really felt God's love and kindness in this being the verse of the day that popped up on my phone notification - gracious, I receive that!  Leaning into the idea of being anchored in Him while deliberately untethering myself from the soul ties and expectations of others has been helpful and healing for me!!

*Also, God was kind in clearing up the marathon-induced breakout - a small thing that mattered to me, and He knew that, and I'm grateful!!

Top left pic is in the hotel lobby with Amy and Lauren (Michelle and her fam stayed somewhere else).  Top right is me with Sophie and Amy, then Lauren excited to be near James Brown (from the CBS NFL Live show - our commencement speaker), then Michelle and Amy on their way into the ceremony!

Joy did not make the trip to Colorado this time, but I was grateful to get some more time with these three - Michelle, Lauren, and Amy!

Michelle in her comfy slide shoes, Amy and Lauren, selfie on our way over to the Blue Arena!  The ceremony started at 9:00am, but they had us arrive by 7:45 to check in and mill around at the building next door - mostly pointless and disorganized, but a good time to snap a few pictures pre-ceremony!

In the middle of the main commencement speech, a child pulled the fire alarm, and it took them a while to get things going again... definitely memorable!  The left pic is Mom's view from her balcony seat - the crystalled cap was definitely helpful in spotting me, as I knew it would be!!

Jeremiah 29:13 is one of my favorite verses, so I was happy to see it up there.

A classic "Oklahomies" pic with Michelle and Amy!

And this sunset pic was pretty - an illustration as Dr. Brown was talking about the importance of depth relative to height - having really strong roots and a firm foundation when you want to build something big with your life!

They used name cards to know how to pronounce our names - the way they did them phonetically made it feel more confusing, so I rewrote mine. lol. They did well! =)

Footwear pic: Lauren, Michelle, Amy, and me -- they emphasized comfy footwear, and I briefly considered switching to the slip-on tennis shoes, but it wasn't that much standing around in the end, and I'm sooo glad I stuck with the original diamond boots decision!  Two pics during the ceremony and one on our way in.  Shea (going on to get her PhD in Sports Psychology) and Austin Britton (met and really admired him at Res 3, and yesterday was also his birthday) joined our group and sat with us through the ceremony.  I assumed we'd be required to walk alphabetically, but they gave us name cards and said to sit wherever we wanted!

Mom and I after the ceremony! ❤

So grateful she joined me for this trip at the beginning of Mother's Day weekend!  She was super frustrated that she didn't get a good video of me walking the stage, but that problem was resolved quickly with a phone recording from the online ceremony video!  There should also be a few professional photos taken by CCU photographers coming soon. 

A kind note and grad gift from Lauren!  Love our pic outside after the cermony!

Matthew Stock, a long-term Cambodia missionary and one of my favorite men of CCU, with me and Lauren!  (Sadly, Jonathan didn't make the trip for this ceremony.). P.S.  I didn't get the memo to buy the white sash and blue and white honor cords, and I so would have if I'd known!  The communication was not great on all that.

Pics with Michelle, Lauren, Amy, then Michelle and Amy!

This video = Amy, Michelle, me, Shea, Lauren, and Austin graduating!  I sincerely couldn't love it more that Austin sets his diploma down to make a heart-hands gesture to his family!! lol  It brought me so much joy to see that... he's the best!  Also, I posed it up for the photo with Dr. Burkhart handing me my diploma - which of course you don't see in this video because they move quickly, and it's while Michelle is shaking hands with the University President, but I so didn't realize there was a second photo op there. lol  Hopefully I'll be smiling and it'll at least be a good candid.

A goose family of 7 whilst we stopped to share a lemon bundtlet before heading back to the Denver Airport, then one final pic with Mom on our flight home!!  Shoutout to Southwest Airlines for on-time flights and awesome wheelchair assistance in both airports - it made our trip so much smoother and more enjoyable!

 It was a short and sweet Colorado trip this time, and I love that we still have the full weekend ahead!  I'm so grateful for the memories and photos above, and I am grateful to feel more hope and confidence that God is working on my behalf and will open the right doors at the right time as my life moves forward!!  I slept in past 10:30 then unpacked this morning, and now I'm gonna get ready to go watch Miss Parker Elizabeth in her presh ballet recital!  God is alive and actively at work - I hope and pray that you feel His love and kindness in new ways this Mother's Day weekend!!

"It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world... remembering that first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself!"  ~Elle Woods ;-)

Congratulations, Class of 2025 -- We did it!!

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