Don't Let That Hold You Back

*This = Post #500 on this Season 2 Blog!
Four of my favorite Christian female authors released a new book on Tuesday!!

I pre-ordered 3 out of 4, and I'll grab Lysa's soon too.  (I wanted these on my bookshelf, but I'll for sure listen to the Audible version.)

Yaaaay - thanks to Kristin for this reminder today!!

I'm preparing and planning for a job interview tomorrow morning, and this encouragement was well-timed - thanks, God!

I'm especially excited to read this one by my good friend, Annie F. Downs (who I've only met twice in person and who I'm guessing is now legally Annie Jaeger, which brings me lots of joy).  I also love that she got colorful shoes and nails to match her book cover - fun!

I've read the first two chapters thanks to the pre-order bonuses, and the message of this book feels like God's good and perfect timing for me...

Fun Fact:  One year and three days ago, I was in NYC watching Hamilton live on Broadway!  (A truly fantastic solo trip - and it gave me the courage to book the solo Alaska cruise.)  Yes, please, to knocking those fantastic experiences off my Life List!! =)

Two days later, I had the Dallas IVF appointment where I learned about the fibroids that eventually led to me letting go of the embryo adoption plan.  I've got to say, the enemy knows how to target overthinkers (and it's so easy to believe lies when we are vulnerable and hurting) -- my ability to reframe things can be a great blessing or a curse, and it is VITAL that I take my thoughts captive and submit to God's leadership, truth, and grace!

I'm thankful for good friends who could help me separate the light from the dark and see things more clearly when the path ahead felt foggy and scary.

I pressed the pause button on almost everything in that season, convincing myself that I had gotten the adoption pursuit very wrong and it was better for me to step back until I knew for sure that God was with me and for me in whatever I was stepping into...

But the truth is, I did a lot of things right in that season.  It was right and good for me to pray over that dream, step out in faith, put my best foot forward, trust God's goodness, and pursue motherhood wholeheartedly.  AND it was right and good for me to recognize the doors being closed, pray for wisdom, and learn to accept and surrender to God's leading in a new way.  Hard.  But not wrong; not missing God; not stupid, inadequate, or selfish.  God wasn't mad at me or disappointed in me over any of that, and I don't want to allow the enemy to steal or kill or destroy the good things God did in me and for me through that season.

God did not fail or abandon me then, and He will not fail or abandon me now.  Even today, I have to trust Him and be willing to step out with bold faith in pursuing new dreams, while also being willing to surrender to His leading even when it is hard or costly!!

I feel like I'm getting the chance to do both of those here lately as I step back into the CCU PhD pursuit.  It feels equal parts daunting and exciting in this moment - I've spent the better part of a year convincing myself that I'm not cut out for the counseling world and don't really belong there, but God has spoken so clearly lately that I cannot (and would never want to) ignore or dismiss it.  Praying for more of God's power and grace as I step toward His calling and purpose for me - which involves sticking with some things I would rather leave, and letting go of some things I'd rather cling tightly to!!

All that to say, I don't want to let anything hold me back from following God boldly, and I think Annie's book will be really encouraging on that front!

❤

Shifting gears, it made me (and Kyndal Faith) happy that Coach Nikki (the solid leader of the Rise Club VB organization) used her pic on the Instagram invite for club tryouts!!

"Do not be afraid as you go out to fight... Do not lose heart or panic or tremble before them.  For the Lord your God is going with you!  HE will fight for you against your enemies, and He will give you victory!"  YES, Deuteronomy - love this book!!  God is with us and bringing us victory over the enemy, but we still have an active role to play by going out to fight for the full life God wants to give us - I feel that as deeply as I've ever felt it in this season!

HBD to Kate on Tuesday (when I started this post - lol).  

Thankful for her example of resilient joy and for her friendship through the years!!

Okay friends, I am off to sleep in my very own bed for the first time since August 6th - exciting times!!

Very grateful that Mom is improving, and we decided it was better for me to start the day here for the morning interview.  Praying for good momentum, that God will open the right doors as I move forward with integrity and faith.

❤ ❤ ❤

Calling & Commitment

"Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.  Never underestimate the power of BEING SEEN - it's exhausting to keep working against yourself when someone truly sees and loves you."  ~Brene Brown

Any fruit that ever comes from my future work in counseling, writing, or speaking, Dr. Burkhart will get some of the credit for it in Heaven.  The ripple effect of his Godly leadership is real, and I am SO GRATEFUL for his choice to really see, invest in, support, and exhort/encourage me.  My talk with him was the pivot point and the main reason I stayed in it when I was ready to leave the CCU Masters program in 2023, and he is now the reason I am surrendering the resistant side of myself to what God has been clarifying by sticking with the CES degree and charting a new course as a Colorado LPCC!

I sent him an email about a week before Mom's wreck explaining my situation and the desire to pursue the Liberty DSL degree... telling him I value his insight and would appreciate hearing any feedback or thoughts he had on that topic.  He did not say one negative word about Liberty (nor would I have expected that).  He said (paraphrased) "Liberty has a fantastic program, and I know they turn out a lot of great leaders...  (intentional pause looking at me...) and unfortunately, I can't hire them to teach here."  (Because a CES degree is a CACREP requirement for counseling professors, not because of anything about Liberty).  And that was the perfect clear, subtle, meaningful thing to say to me in that moment, and he probably knew that.  The rest of our talk that day was also good - he called me out on some of my small self-doubting comments and said he thinks I have a tendency to be very philosophical and think deeply about the things I hear, and he (correctly) thought I may have internalized some wrong ideas about myself related to the counseling profession.  He asked sincerely and wisely whether I loved the content of the Leadership course or the fact that I had a professor who really saw me and appreciated my work, and I answered honestly with both, expounding further on that.  

He told me he will cheer me on and write a very strong letter of recommendation for me if I feel sure this is the new direction where God is leading me, but that he wanted me to take a minute and be certain I am not walking away from counseling because I've made wrong assumptions or agreements that I am not cut out for it based on the fact that the path has been surprisingly difficult.  He said I am trying to bring light into a dark world and bring something functional into a profession that is somewhat broken and dysfunctional, and that is always going to be a hard road, and it's not because I am inadequate or in the wrong place, (but because Kingdom work is opposed).  He said he sees great potential in me to become an author, teacher, and speaker - that he would encourage me to get back on the horse and get my LPC hours if I decide to fight for this degree.  (And he emphasized again that there is no wrong decision here, and he didn't want me to stay in it for the wrong reasons either.)

But honestly, God had already spoken to me on July 28th (the Icy Strait Point whale watch excursion, Alaska cruise).  From that dramatically answered prayer to a series of daily Scripture emails from Chris Caine, it has been an incredibly clear and consistent message to stay the course and finish what I started at CCU, so I am diving back into it and doing my best to be wholehearted, set apart, and tuned into God's leadership in new ways!!  And part of that will include meeting more regularly with Dr. Burkhart to LEARN from him and help keep my vision and sense of identity/calling/commitment on track.  My respect for him is high, and he sees me and believes in me in a unique way that fuels my desire to become everything God intends for me to be!

In other news, re-reading this older post today was fascinating.  I wrote it three days before the appointment where I learned about the fibroids then gradually decided to let go of the embryo adoption dream.  And then, I took a year-long break from counseling and doctoral studies because I felt like I couldn't trust myself to hear clearly from God about anything.  But none of that is quite true.  The enemy was working overtime to kill, steal, and destroy what God was gradually building, but he will not get the last word in this story.  I'm thankful that we serve a God of hope, redemption, and renewal!  And after a year of being "offline" without a muted voice in the counseling realm, God is renewing that dream, and I am re-committing myself to *walk with Him* into a new era there as life moves forward!

(From my post on 9-12-2025:  A couple months back, John Eldredge warned that the enemy would be rolling out a new wave of death and despair... the death of dreams - the  temptation to lose heart, to despair... to give up, let things go, and quietly walk away from our God-given missions and callings.  And rather than cooperating with that by giving up or retreating from the fight (the pull toward that is stronger than usual right now)... our God-given role is to ENGAGE, to push forward, to shine, to be intentional in what God is uniquely calling us to do.

Where our spiritual enemy seeks to bring division, God's people are called to bring UNITY.

Wherever he is bringing death, we pray for and bring LIFE!!

He brings despair... we bring HOPE.

He brings chaos... we bring ORDER.

He brings anxiety... we pursue PEACE.

He pulls us toward sadness... we lean into JOY.

He dehumanizes... we lead with LOVE.

He brings darkness... we shine the LIGHT.

He assaults us with fear... we choose proactive FAITH.

He destroys... we RESTORE.

❤ ❤ ❤

(Also an appropriate message on this 25th anniversary of the 9-11 attack.  Jesus is still the light of all mankind, and His life, hope, faith, and love have the final word.)

Thankful Thursday #243

"He who started a good work in you
will be faithful to carry it to completion."
~Philippians 1:6

Today, I am thankful for:

1.  God parting the Red Sea (making a way where the path felt blocked), giving me more clarity, and opening new-but-still-scary doors for me - I am now officially a Colorado LPC Candidate with the ability to potentially counsel CO clients remotely and earn my hours with a more trusted and CCU-aligned supervisor... took their online CO Jurisprudence exam late Tuesday and got approved Wednesday afternoon.  I really cannot begin to tell you how simplified that process felt compared to the painful hoops I had to jump through to get started in Oklahoma.  The doors here have been very stubborn, and the doors in Colorado seem to open quickly for all things counseling-related.  Doing my best to trust God and keep moving forward with wisdom and grace!!  (I wanted this to be a gif with doors sliding open as she walks forward, but alas, ChatGPT would not cooperate. lol)

2. Not quite the type of book I dream of writing down the road, but still fun getting to see my name in print as a chapter co-author for this new textbook (led by Dr. Philip, Director of the CCU PhD program, and among the most Godly women I have the privilege of knowing).  

3.  Joining Dr. Shade Zahrai's "Self Leadership Academy" - I loved her Big Trust book and have come to trust her for solid content, so I'm hoping this will have a Launch-level impact for me!!

4.  Kyndal Faith's love of noodles and corn... and her sense of humor saying "they grow up so fast" when I make presh collages like this one! lol

5.  Jill Lemeiux, who celebrated her 70th Birthday on Tuesday!!  Thankful for their friendship and hope she had a wonderful day!  (Below = a gift Bill hired Rach to make for her from Paris, her all-time favorite dog! lol)

6.  The Jaegers - it's so fun to see Annie loving life as a married woman in this new season!!

7.  Getting to see T-man's new apartment with Mom and help with rearranging his furniture a bit and ordering a few new things!

Also thankful for fun lunch plans with Kristin Michelle this afternoon... I've barely seen her since Mom's wreck, so we have loads to catch up on! (We were planning to hang out and have dinner on August 7th, ironically - she was one of my first calls after finding out about the wreck).  

Anyway, that's all for now.  Happy Thursday!

❤ ❤ ❤

Failure that Needs Forgiveness

 Happy Labor Day, friends and fam!  I hope you get to relax a bit and enjoy some time off!!

Two things that have been helpful to me lately on a soulful/spiritual level:

We may not have this in common, but when anyone hurts me, it is my very strong tendency to try to assume good intent in the other person, reminding myself of their good qualities, thinking about what they might be going through, how they might be having a hard day or have endured childhood pain I cannot understand or be processing life through a different lens, etc.  I would argue that it's valid and wise to remember that no one but Christ is perfect, and we are all flawed human beings who will hurt each other occasionally (and often unintentionally).  But sometimes in the midst of all that, I end up minimizing my own hurt and bypassing my own need for healing.

The idea that everyone is doing the best they can does not ring true for me or align with Scripture.  And I really loved the reminder from John Eldredge last week that our hurts and disappointments matter to God and should not be minimized or glossed over.  Especially with major betrayals or deeper childhood wounds, we need to view those events (or hurtful words or actions) as a FAILURE that needs to be FORGIVEN rather than an inadequacy that needs to be excused in the person who hurt us.  Yes, please to that truth bomb!  ...Trying to make excuses for things that were devastating and damaging is unhealthy, and ironically, it blocks our ability to see it clearly and forgive and move forward well.  Whatever else was behind it, there are multiple people who have failed to love me well, to see and hear me when I needed them, to show up and help out when it was within their power to do so... and I want to stop minimizing that failure.  We can have Christlike mercy and empathy toward others, but "you can only forgive someone genuinely once you name what you are forgiving."

Yes, John Eldredge, and thanks again!❤

Secondly, Psalm 147:3 says: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

That verse has come to mind repeatedly as I am the makeshift wound-care nurse for Mom this month.  When I used to hear it, I would picture something more like a large Bandaid binding a minor cut.  This gives me a new context for it that feels more accurate and powerful.

The current wound on Mom's left leg is large - jarring for anyone the first time they see the graphic photos or see it in person.  (I won't post those pictures here, but it was an open oval-shaped wound, similar in size and appearance to a pound of raw ground hamburger meat.)  Now that her second surgery is completed, the wound care process has begun - we are cleaning it daily to prevent infection, gently washing, rinsing, and drying it, then carefully covering it with xeroform (a sterile, non-adhesive dressing soaked in petroleum jelly), cushioning it for comfort, wrapping all of that with layers of gauze, and securing the wrapped covering with an elastic-like burn net.  It is an ongoing and meticulous daily process that requires attentive care on a larger wound that will take months to fully heal -- which all feels like a far more accurate picture of what Jesus does for us when He heals our broken hearts and binds up our wounded souls.  And the truth of that image is comforting to me.

In summary (me talking to myself here):

Your heart matters,

And God is not indifferent to your wounds.

Acknowledge the places where others have failed you,

and then pray through forgiving them...

Trust Jesus to bind even the biggest, most raw and sharply painful wounds.

He is an expert on healing and restoration.

He is with you and for you.

He allows nothing without purpose,

And He cares enough to join you in the daily process of healing.

He will be patient and gradually renew your strength.

Take heart; the best is yet to come!

❤ ❤ ❤

Catching Up (Part 2 of 2)

Random summer fun pic of Jace, Asher, Jace, and TJ! =)

True story.

Carter Lee helping T-man load the mattress and mount a TV on T's long-awaited moving day (photo by Rach before they left her house)

Mom and I haven't been able to be quite as helpful as we'd like just yet, but I did get to make two furniture-shopping trips with him and help him bring in a big TV for his living room, and Mom and I made him an Amazon List of items he might like.  He came over and showed us some pics last night, screen-mirroring them to the TV... including the new barstools he built - yay!  Most of his furniture arrives tomorrow and Saturday!

Miss K showing us her science project... Rach offered to help her color in the squares, and Kyndal gave a playfully-sassy rant about getting "neatness points tooken off" the last time Rach helped her.  "My teacher wrote: Color in the same direction, and I thought: Trust - I would have!!" lolol

Fun AI pics. =)

8th grade boys are at a pretty fun age - their most carefree and unfiltered selves! lol

K's VB pics make me pretty happy too!

My fortress and place of safety in whom I find protection.  Yes, please, Jesus!!

❤

Mamaw's world-famous spaghetti (Lindsey's Version) lol
(It's Kyndal Faith's favorite, and she's been missing it since Mamaw's wreck)

Family dinner pic! ❤

I also made a legit strawberry sheetcake - Mom didn't have a blender handy, so I hand-mixed the strawberries to puree them, and it was a ridiculously messy ordeal. lol  Felt good to bake something, though!

Kyndal's adorable nails - her "theme" for this 7th grade year is black-and-white polka dots, and she is working it hard with the nails, backpack, and locker decor! lol

Kinda funny, but also quite likely a true story.  Thank God for clinicals, practicums, and fellowship for hands-on training!

I have fully caught up on the Bible Recap - I love when they do the videos covering the entire book... talking about how the Psalms gradually shift from mostly lament with some praise to mostly praise with some lament was meaningful to me!

My second summer swim in Mom and Dad's pool... on September 1st after a hot and humid neighborhood jog! =)

Mom came outside to chat with me and warm up for a bit, so I snapped a picture of her and Dad on our way back in!

And with that, I'm finally "caught up" on all the photos I wanted to share from the past couple weeks, and I'm off to bed early - hoorah and huzzah!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Catching Up (Part 1 of 2)

Happy Thursday, friends!  I have a lot to thank God for this week, starting with four short court days in a row,!  That allowed me to catch up on OCC transcripts (two new orders from Cleveland County came in, but those are less dense and a bit easier to complete).  

This = me in the Burn Center Waiting Room hosting the OCC Public Access Meeting last Thursday.  No steno machine all month, but I'm making it work with the Zoom recordings!  I'd gone home in hopes of catching a brief nap, then I got a text from Amy that they needed me to cover this afternoon hearing so I raced back to Baptist Hospital where all my work stuff was in Mom's room (319).

Jace's friend TJ checking in on Mom via FaceTime when the Parrishes came to visit us!

Regular calls with the Mini Miss K continue to be a joy!

They had Mom stay there five days for better pain managment - totally worth it!  Their discharge process was far smoother and more organized than OU's - nurses walking us through every step and answering questions, valet guys who remembered our names and helped us load everything up, and a  discharge timeline of 30 minutes versus four hours!

Flashback to August 7th, our last pre-wreck pic of Mom (at Kyndal's VB scrimmage).

Dad and his siblings were in Texas that day for lunch with Gus and Marilyn - here's a group pic from that trip!

Miss K with her favorite teachers who came to support their 7th grade VB team - Mr. Pierce, Mr. Hamilton, and Mr. Bates! =)

Proud of Jaceman for showing up and supporting his teammates in their first 8th grade FB game!  (He is out for the first six weeks due to OSAA rules and last year's math grades, but he started this year determined to stick with it and put in the work, and we're excited to see him play in the last 4-5 games of their season).

Nom nom for us, David!!  For real, both of these fall gems are winners.  Thanks to Rach for introducing Mom and I to the chicken & waffles sandwich, and Chettles for recommending the s'mores shake!

Annie's "Wedding Wednesday" posts are bringing me so much joy!! ❤

YES.  Natalie sent this to me at just the right time. ❤

Mom made this and another lovely arrangement for Kyndal Faith's bedroom makeover!

In the midst of making a phone note list of doctor questions, I found these podcast notes I wrote just after returning from the Alaska trip - God is at work and speaking and leading me, and I was encouraged re-reading them!

Other than that, I'm really grateful court has been short and sweet lately, as my second (and far more important) full-time job these days is being a wound-care nurse and caregiver for Mom!!  For the grafted knee, we have daily ReadyBath wipes (microwaved), warm soapy water, wound cleansing spray, careful towel drying around the thousand staples (they finally removed them today and said the graft is adhering well and looking good - PRAISE GOD!), then I glove up and start the xeroform, gauze, kerlix wrap, and burn net to hold it all together... followed by baccitracin zinc ointment for her donor site, then cut-up-hospital-gown covering, pillows under both knees, a shoulder-wrap blanket, and Mrs. Garner's blanket over her, and sometimes grippy socks and heating pad if she's cold - the redhead temperature sensitivity thing is REAL. lol  Then keeping track of the meds and medical questions and Amazon orders and meals and trying to keep her comfortable + making sure she's moving around enough (she's doing really well there!) doesn't leave much time for court nonsense. lol  It's a season, and I'm thankful God is doing His part to make it manageable for us.

But in entertaining news, ChatGPT is "praying" for her, so that's a treat! lol  AI and Google have helped me with loads of small medical questions lately, but we also have Nurse Kristie, the responsive Integris team, and Sarah to help with medical questions and concerns.

Spoiler alert - the massive knee wound did need a graft, but I think we're all grateful for the timing there!  A couple weeks (one down, one to go) of it being pretty painful, then she will be far more mobile and free than she was with a wound vac.  Not to mention the mental/emotional relief of not having the excruciating dressing changes is worth a great deal.  The shadow of death and sense of despair were dark and heavy that first couple weeks - every bit of outside support mattered, and getting connected with Integris Baptist was major - so on this "Thankful Thursday," I'm grateful for community, spiritual authority, timely reminders, and the way God opens doors when His children call on Him!

❤ ❤ ❤