Living Proof

I was very grateful to attend the Living Proof Live event with Beth Moore and her team this weekend!  I bought the ticket months ago and was going on my own, then I ran into Kantrell just after getting out of my car, so I sat with her and Amber both days.  This = our pic on Saturday morning... living proof that God redeems! ❤

Worship with Travis Cottrell is always good... this whole conference makes me want to join them for the Alaska cruise next summer!!  

We sat in the very back row on Friday night!

Beth introducing her 16-year-old granddaughter, Anna Beth.  I for sure remember being in a Bible study of hers when Amanda was pregnant with this girl, so it made me happy to see her there!

*Friday was the two-year anniversary of Babah's funeral, where I wrote the obituary and led the prayer and eulogy at her graveside and memorial service.  Looking back, I feel grateful for that opportunity and proud that I stepped up for it.

Ran into Laura and Angie, friends from Kelly's Diving Deeper Women's Lifegroup of yesteryear!!  Good to catch up with them while we snacked on SkinnyPop Popcorn during our 30-minute break on Saturday morning!

Beth is the best!  (She had a surgery that made it difficult for her to kneel and get back up on stage, so a friend of hers built this bench so that she could continue her tradition of kneeling in prayer at the beginning of every event!)

Beth taught on Ecclesiastes... not what I would have expected, but of course, it was good!  I was laughing because I really wanted a very clear "Let go" or "Hold on" theme, and instead I got the vague, "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away" passage, along with several peppy reminders from the teacher in Ecclesiastes that much of what happens under the sun is meaningless, senseless, futile, vain, absurd, and out of our control.  Beth said this book gives us "a soulmate in our anguished doubt."  That and her encouragement to keep an "above the sun perspective" were honestly well-timed.  Ironically, I was at the Beth Moore live event in Tulsa on this very same weekend in 2013 (yay FB memories)... I have loved her books and Bible studies for 20+ years, and I am deeply grateful for Beth's influence in my life and my walk with Christ!!

I stayed at the Southern Hills Marriott on Friday night, which was a solid call.  The Friday night session ended at 9:30, then Saturday, we started back at 8am.  After we dismissed at noon, I met Tiffany Joanne and Laura Allison for lunch at McAlister's!  We celebrated Tiffany's life and the one-year anniversary of the life-saving surgery (removing blood clots from her lungs), and we talked and caught up on life and work for over three hours.  It was good to connect with them!!

From there, I headed to Melissa's to watch the second half of the OSU-Baylor game with Melissa and Karli and the kids whilst Chettles finished showing some nearby Executive Homes!  Parker Elizabeth was in a fun and cuddly mood that day, which was a delight to my soul. =)

This = her being proud of her kid's menu artwork! lol #preshface

We had dinner at Los Cabos, always a favorite for me!  We were able to get in without a wait if we sat on the covered patio, which was lovely other than the band being incredibly close and loud.  They took a break through the main part of our meal, so we were able to talk without yelling during that time. lol  Tate was very into his book, and Parker was watching the band pretty closely.

Just a little light reading under the waterfall! lol  I like that this is not a posed candid - he was just genuinely into the book on that level. =)

For those close enough to pay attention to this saga, I'm grateful that you care.  After LOTS of prayer and back-and-forth inner wrestling and hard conversations and personal journaling and seeking clarity, I have decided to close the chapter on the embryo adoption journey.  I'm not closing my heart to motherhood, but not putting myself through any more physical, mental, and emotional hurdles on this particular route.  I am tired of life feeling "on pause," so finally making a decision and being able to move forward accordingly is a relief at this point, but there is grief that comes with it too.

For now, I'm going to process this privately, but we all know I'm likely to write more about it down the road.  Truly, thank you for your support and understanding, both now and through the past several years as I took serious steps to pursue this goal, which became a catalyst for so many other positive life changes!  This is a hard part of my story, but not in the way I imagined.  God's grace is very present and sufficient.  I believe He is with me and for me, and I trust that He has good and hopeful things planned for my future even now... prayers for peace are appreciated as I heal and seek to honor God with my life moving forward!

The same holds true for you.

God is faithful, and His mercy is new today - lean into that!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Path of Life

Rejoice always.
Pray continually.
Give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God's will for you
in Christ Jesus.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

❤

I am praying for God-given peace and clarity on “the path of life.”

I am fearful of pushing my own agenda;
If God is not in it, I do not want it.

Lately, I haven’t felt quite okay or like myself.  I am overextended, overwhelmed, resisting depression, and numbing with food.  I had a moment of clarity while watching Gladys walk down the aisle, silently hoping someone would stop her and feeling trapped by the momentum of her own decisions.  I could relate to that feeling, but I realized it is up to me -- I am not stuck, and I have full freedom of choice in every area of life.

A friend who lost her fiancé to suicide reminded me that “everything is figure-outable.”  Soon after her video, I saw that quote again -- this time from a cute cowboy mouse on Facebook.  It's a good reminder that nothing is set in stone, and God gives wisdom to those who seek Him.

(The mirror selfie is just me feeling cute in my new pink shirt. lol)

My recent sonogram suggests that another surgery would be needed if I pursue pregnancy and embryo adoption.  This pattern of high vulnerability, high expense, and deferred hope has left me feeling numb.  I meet with my doctor again on Monday to discuss next steps, but more importantly, I will be seeking God’s guidance here.  I don't believe I have ever felt the "not my will but Yours" prayer more sincerely.  I feel a reverent level of fear about pushing for my will and pressing toward single parenthood without God's blessing and favor.

I also know that letting go of the motherhood dream would create a real void in my sense of purpose, one that only God could heal and redirect.  It would be yet another quiet loss that most people would never notice, but it would profoundly impact my self-perception and daily thought patterns.  That hope has been the driving force in most of my major decisions through the past decade, so I would need God's help to face that ambiguous grief, reframe my identity, and embrace His best for me -- whatever that looks like moving forward.

Right now, I feel disconnected, hesitant, and uncertain about all of it -- pursuing adoption, a counseling career, the doctoral path, and/or a future move.  Some of this may be spiritual warfare, but it has all reached a point where I cannot ignore it or keep going at this pace.  I need to be intentional in my prayers, and I need to take action and make some big decisions in the near future.

This was another great and timely reminder for me...

My deepest desires remain the same:

To be strong & healthy in mind, body, soul, and spirit
To live in alignment with God’s heart
To lead others with peace and purpose
To leave a meaningful legacy

The method and plan may shift, but those goals will stand firm.  I may have unintentionally veered off course latey, so I will be praying for God to clarify the path of life and the race He has marked out for me.

Not seeking advice for now, but Spirit-led prayers are appreciated.

❤ ❤ ❤

To Give, Revive, and Restore

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

~Jesus, John 10:10

• Satan's mission = To steal and kill and destroy.  
• Our mission is the opposite.

• The opposite of stealing = giving; being generous in offering our time, energy, finances, and connection.
• The opposite of killing = to revive, resurrect, and breathe new life into something or someone.
• The opposite of destruction = creation and restoration; to build up, strengthen, preserve, protect, and repair good things.

A couple months back, John Eldredge warned that the enemy would be rolling out a new wave of death and despair.  He said there would be a surge or an increase in actual physical death, but above that, the death of dreams - the  temptation to lose heart, to despair... to give up, let things go, and quietly walk away from our God-given missions and callings.

I forgot about that until his video this morning reminded me.....

It appears we are in the middle of it now.

So this is me reminding you to take heart, to stay close to God, and to be prayerful in your personal decisions - especially if you feel pulled to give up in some area!

What's happening around us right now is much bigger than clashing political parties.  There is a clash of Kingdoms, a spiritual war where our common enemy is ramping up the intensity in his global mission to steal, kill, and destroy all that is good and hopeful.  In major and minor ways, he is increasing the darkness, chaos, confusion, and despair.  And rather than cooperating with that by giving up or retreating from the fight (the pull toward that is stronger than usual right now)... our God-given role is to ENGAGE, to push forward, to shine, to be intentional in what God is uniquely calling us to do.

Where our spiritual enemy seeks to bring division, God's people are called to bring UNITY.

Wherever he is bringing death, we pray for and bring LIFE!!

He brings despair... we bring HOPE.

He brings chaos... we bring ORDER.

He brings anxiety... we pursue PEACE.

He pulls us toward sadness... we lean into JOY.

He dehumanizes... we lead with LOVE.

He brings darkness... we shine the LIGHT.

He assaults us with fear... we choose proactive FAITH.

He destroys... we RESTORE.

It's more natural for me to think big-picture when it comes to God's Kingdom, but this stuff applies to our personal lives, as well.  I have felt quietly overwhelmed and verrrry pulled to give up on everything lately... motherhood, PhD, LPC, etc.  To walk away from it all and start fresh.  Portions of that may be coming from God, but I need to be very prayerful in these decisions and recognize the layers of spiritual warfare surrounding all of it.  

We all do.

Be vigilant, friends.  Your decisions matter, and as John reminded me this morning, "There is no neutral ground."

Lord Jesus, we are under attack, and we are all tired.  You are the Lord of life, and we need Your help and strength to revive us.  Today, I bring the blood of Jesus Christ and the river of life through my mind, body, soul, and spirit to cleanse me from the demonic sting of death, from all traumatizing imagery, and from the aggressive pull toward fear and disengagement.  Death has no mastery over me, for I am united with Christ, rooted and grounded in His love.  Jesus, strengthen me for what lies ahead and show me where and how you want me to bring life, hope, and restoration.  In big and small ways, I pray that You would strengthen Your people who are called by Your name.  Show us what matters most, and remind us of the part we are called to play.  I specifically pray against the spirit of apathy and learned helplessness and passivity, the pull to disengage and disconnect and believe we are small and powerless.  Help us to understand and claim the power and authority You have given us, to walk in it with increasing strength and integrity.  I pray that we would be bold, active, and united in advancing Your Kingdom!  We have the victory in You, but we have to take action and enforce it.  In the authority of Jesus' name, Amen.

❤ ❤ ❤

Night Will Be No More

"And He who was seated on the throne said,

Behold, I am making all things NEW...

And we will see His face,

And His name will be on our foreheads.

And night will be no more."

Revelation 21:5, 22:5

*Harriss - her last name was misspelled on the program.

"All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth."  ~Hebrews 11:13

I went by myself to Kristen's funeral service on Saturday.  It was beautiful and well done, and I'm glad I decided to make the trip for it.  When it's just me, I feel more freedom to feel my own emotions (as opposed to monitoring others and making sure they're okay), and I cried more than I have cried at any other funeral.  Seeing her frail Grandad there mourning for her.  Their family pastor ringing the bell for her to signify that she'd had her last treatment and was healed from cancer.  And the pastor speaking about Hebrews 11:13 above, talking about her strong hope and prayers for marriage and family + her courage in refusing to compromise and honoring God in her singleness.  All of those moments got me, and I cried.  Hard.  (And that was okay and good and appropriate and cathartic and healing.)

I tend to be weirdly aware of numbers, and I believe God numbers our days with purpose.  Kristen was one month and six days older than me.  My numbered days on earth are likely to surpass hers, but they haven't yet - that shifts on July 25th, and it's a sobering thought to me.  In Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes about it being good for us to mourn and to think about how brief our time here is.  Praying that I will have wisdom to focus on what matters and make the most of whatever time God gives me.

And gracious, I have a lot of deeper thoughts on that Hebrews verse.  I've wrestled pretty hard with everything it means in the lives of so many Christians, including myself.  To faithfully hold onto our hope and faith in the face of opposition, yet never receive the promise in our earthly life... when my thoughts are focused here, that feels purely heartbreaking and brutal and tragic and unfair.  I'm genuinely sad for the physical suffering she endured and the grief and mounting medical bills her parents now face.  And yes, the myriad of emotions surrounding the unanswered prayers for marriage and family felt way too familiar - I felt real grief and anger and confusion rising in me as the pastor talked about that verse and did his best to honor her value.  ...All valid emotions to feel and acknowledge and work through.  The minor themes are real and present for all of us, but they cannot dominate our thinking.  It's the darkness of night that comes before the dawn.  And one day, God will do away with the sin, sorrow, pain, evil, and brokenness that plague us here.

"Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for He chose us in advance, and He makes everything work out according to His plan.  He planned all of this so that we who had already focused our hope on Christ would praise Him and give Him glory."  ~Ephesians 1:11-12

So I am reminding my heart again tonight that God is good, and His love for each of us is steadfast and strong and unfailing.  He wastes nothing and does nothing without purpose, and our limited understanding of His plan does not change that.  The things that stand the test of time are faith, hope, and love - and I'm holding onto them, as Kristen did.  If any of us die without receiving the valuable and worthy things we've desired and hoped and prayed for, God will still be undeniably and unchangingly good.  He is my heart's highest desire, and that. is. essential.  Without sugarcoating the brutal realities she faced here or the grief her parents will absolutely deal with until they die, I simultaneously feel great confidence that Kristen is more alive and fully well today than she ever was here on earth.  She is wholeheartedly present, surrounded by a newly-defined family, basking in the love of God and family and friends, not feeling sad or lonely or short-changed based on anything she didn't receive here.  Heaven is REAL, and Jesus is really there, and He is our inheritance from God - who makes everything work out according to His plan.  I am anchoring my heart there.  To quote Peter, "There is wonderful joy ahead, even though we must endure many trials for a little while."  God is at work even now, preparing a place for us and making all things new.  And someday we will see Jesus face to face, and His name will be on our foreheads.  And night will be no more.

❤ ❤ ❤

Love and Leadership

I’m currently going through Beth Moore’s summer Bible study, Becoming Who We Are: Losing the Imposter, Finding What’s Real.  (She's offering it free on YouTube, starting HERE.)  Her top goal is for the women participating in this study "To know so deeply who we are in Christ that we are unshaken no matter who denies, doubts, diminishes, or mocks it."  Love that, and the first two videos have been refreshing!  I feel like God brought this into my life at just the right time as He’s calling me into a new level of vision and leadership...

Beth says, “Everything about becoming who we are hinges on absorbing how we are loved by God,” backing that up with abundant Scriptural reminders that we were chosen in Him before the creation of the world, remarkably and wondrously made, that every day of our lives was recorded in His book before one came to pass.  We are carried by the God who appoints our time in history and the boundaries of where we live.  We are created for good works He prepared in advance, and nothing can separate us from His faithful love. ❤

She invited us to reflect on how people behave in relationships when they know they are loved versus when they feel unsure about that.  I’ve experienced both sides of that spectrum very personally.  When I feel confident in someone's love, I am more whole, secure, peaceful, confident, and able to give and love others well.  But in relationships that spark doubt or insecurity, I’ve found myself feeling more broken, emotional, desperate, anxious, and needy (that's based on my attachment style - others might have a more fiercely independent reaction).  The rejection I've endured means it usually takes me a whiiiiile to really trust people and be vulnerable with them, and when I finally get there, not everyone has handled it well.  I’m so very thankful for the people in my life who have loved me well -- not perfectly, but consistently.  Their love and faithfulness have helped deepen my sense of security, grow my trust and discernment, and strengthen my character and personal growth!  More importantly, they have been a tangible picture of God's love and His refusal to give up on me - it's why loving others well is so important to Jesus.

My time at CCU was full of leaders I highly respect challenging me and my peers to begin viewing ourselves as leaders and practice stepping into Christian leadership more often in big and small ways.  (Like rather than complaining about the counseling board's decisions and lamenting about how messy and divided the regulations are from state to state, plan to join those boards and be an active part of creating change - Alicia and I talked about that at the coffee shop that first morning, and it was a great reframe for me.  I always used to roll my eyes as I listened to Judges complaining about the way things were running, knowing they were in a position to actually fix it if they tried -- so I'm gradually moving into more of a leadership role, and I have to shift the way I see myself and be ready to act with courage and character.)  Ironically - aka a total God thing - my call with Chet on the way to Colorado was a good precursor to all of that, about embracing new dynamics and viewing it as a compliment when God entrusts me with more responsibility!  I love when God sends a lot of things that align to create a really clear message for us - I need that level of confirmation in my life. lol  

Being loved well and having a deeper understanding of God's love will always strengthen us in our calling.  Jesus KNEW exactly where He came from and who He was - He had a strong sense of protective support and beloved/chosen identity.  And He led well and accomplished everything God set out for Him to do because He understood what He was here for (earthly passion and purpose) and where He was going (firmly-anchored eternal hope and love for God)!  In this season, I am drawn to the intersection of Godly leadership and understanding God's love.  I want to grow in integrity and humility as I gradually and imperfectly start to step up and speak up more often.  I also want to practice fully believing and receiving the love of God — to live from a deeply secure and healed place of being LOVED, VALUED, SEEN, and CHOSEN.  Beth's study is helping me with that!

"Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing;

You hold my future.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."

~Psalm 16:5-6

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine;

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine...

Watching and waiting, looking above,

Filled with His goodness, lost in His love!"

~Blessed Assurance, Fanny Crosby

Oswald Chambers said, "The root of all sin is the suspicion that God is not good.”  I had to think about that one for a minute, but I get it.  We’ve all wrestled with that suspicion sometimes.  The areas where I am weakest and most in need of God's forgiveness, healing, and strength are also the areas where I am most in need of TRUTH from God's Word (a deeper understanding of it).  Jim Cress wrote an article for Christian Counseling Today where he talked about a practical tool he uses with clients who are stuck in shame and feeling blocked from receiving God's love... he encourages them to write the character traits (try the top 10) that come to mind when they think about their dad or father figure, one per index card.  Then they take time to reflect - knowingly or unknowingly, how many of these painful traits have I projected onto God?  They work together to prayerfully replace false or limiting traits with new words that reflect who God truly is and wants to be to them.  It's worth every bit of time and intentional effort to heal our relationship with God, and I’d love to offer that as an exercise with faith-based clients in the future.

Okay, shifting gears, yesterday’s verse from the Bible App was a lovely reminder.  Thanks in large part to John Eldredge's teachings, the hope of Heaven is very real to me - not just vague and ethereal, but a reward I think about often and look forward to.  Thanks to grief group work and my own grief experience, the searing pain of loss is also very real to me - I understand that grieving with eternal hope is still legitimately HARD and ongoing.  Kristen had several great visits with friends and family during the week I was in Colorado -- I love that she had that time and was able to read/hear the many memories and words of gratitude and encouragement that are pouring in from all sides at this point!  Even though I missed the window to see her again in person, I'm really thankful for our phone call a couple weeks back.  It was a gift!  We had a good long talk, and I prayed with her before we hung up.  Her mom was there in the background and thanked me for sending the card and blanket.  Kristen shared about her daily routine and the physical pain she was experiencing and the loneliness of some friends/family distancing themselves from her suffering.  She also shared about growing with God and the people who had stepped up in awesome, unexpected ways and seeing subtle places where God was using her story to encourage others - she was full of faith and hope in the midst of wrestling with honest doubt and fear, and she was very kind in asking about my life and things she's seen on Facebook.  It was really encouraging for both of us to talk - we planned to make it a regular thing, and I was honestly excited about that and enlisting other friends to reach out.... our talk was interrupted 3x by nurses or doctors coming in to check different vitals or bring medications.  She was feeling pretty good that night but had been diagnosed with pneumonia earlier that morning, and neither of us had any idea how quickly things would shift... an infection spread, and the life-saving white blood cell donors were unable to move forward because of the pneumonia diagnosis.  The day before their trip back to Oklahoma, she texted: "God is giving me a peace and looking forward to going home."  I so appreciate the double meaning there.  We've texted a few more times, but our planned phone call the next week never happened, as she was back and forth with fevers after being transported to Oklahoma for palliative care... it's all really sobering, and there are brutally hard realities to the process of dying from cancer.  She is sleeping a lot at this point.  I believe she knows that she is loved and that her life mattered, and I'm so glad and thankful that she received some tangible reminders of that in her final days!!  Praying for peace, comfort, anchoring hope, grief support, and feeling surrounded by God's love for the Harriss family and their close circle today.  (This paragraph grew longer than I meant for it to, but it's on my heart a lot lately.)

Faith pointed out to me that there are crosses in all the upper windows of the CCU chapel room - I love that! ❤

So that's a recap of some things on my heart and areas where God is speaking to me lately - hopefully it made sense and felt encouraging.  Lighter post coming this afternoon!!

You are loved, valued, seen, and chosen by God.
The Lord holds your future,
And you have a beautiful inheritance!

❤ ❤ ❤

Ambiguous Grief

Misunderstood.
Profound loss without closure.
Unclear, ongoing, unresolved grief.
Often unacknowledged and overlooked/dismissed.
Something significant being physically present but emotionally absent.
Something significant being emotionally present but physically absent.
Hard to name, harder to process and move forward.

Examples of Ambiguous Grief:

• Friendship breakups and fade-outs – Exceptionally painful losses that are rarely treated as seriously as romantic breakups, however deep/long the friendship may have been
• Toxic relationships and divorce – Others may say "good riddance" and cheer your decision or minimize the rejection, while you are left quietly grieving a shattered reality
• Cognitive decline (Alzheimer’s, stroke, dementia, etc.) – Watching someone you love fade slowly while still in front of you and needing physical care
• Unmet desires – For marriage, for children, etc.  Deep longings where others often assign blame instead of offering empathy
• Infertility – A child is emotionally present in your desired story, but the love and hope in your heart have nowhere to land
• Addiction or mental illness – Loving someone who can’t or won't fully show up in return
• Missing persons – Living in the ache of not knowing, with their emotional presence and physical absence
• Mourning what might have been – WandaVision said it best: “What is grief, if not love persevering?”   I believe everyone who experiences either traditional or ambiguous grief faces this internal pain... even with traditional grief, there is part of it that is ongoing and often overlooked and unresolved as you struggle to process the emotional presence and physical absence of someone you still love deeply - and all the ways your world might have been different if they were with you today.

Of course, traditional grief has rituals — obituaries, funerals, bereavement leave, supportive meals and cards, a group of people mourning a concrete loss together.  Ambiguous grief doesn't, although the pain can be just as real and consuming.  There is no day set aside, no formal goodbye or built-in support, no official acknowledgement that someone/something that mattered DEEPLY to you is absent... or slowly deteriorating.

For reasons God alone knows (and I trust that He has a purpose in it), I have experienced so. much. of this ambiguous grief -- some that I have processed deeply; some that still lingers and feels unresolved.

There is a lot to be said for resilience and Kingdom hope... I have worked very hard to become someone who embodies joy and grit, who grows through setbacks and trusts the faithfulness of God, who makes the choice to take action and move forward whenever possible!  

If we allow our ambiguous grief to have full rein, we will likely spiral into an isolated depression, feeling unhealthy self-pity and despair.  But we cannot deny/suppress those hard emotions either.  This is where the Great Commandments come in strong.  When we love God with all our hearts and really press into our walk with Him, we grow more confident that we are NEVER alone or unseen, even in our deepest pain.  God's presence and His intimate knowledge of us are an incredible comfort, not a small or intangible thing!  When others fail to empathize or understand or remember our losses, God does.  In the grief that is gradual and complex and mostly overlooked, God is walking with us through every step of that journey.  The day I broke down sobbing in the hospital bathroom after Babah talked about how Grandad was not making any real progress... God was there, steadying me and strengthening me for what lay ahead.

Embracing community and being honest about what we're navigating is also vital.  I have wonderful friends and family who care about me, and I don't have to face any of the above pain alone.  I am deeply grateful for people who listen, even if and when they don’t fully understand.  Keeping grief inside only isolates us, but being honest invites healing.

Today, I am struggling to know what God wants from me, specifically in the adoption journey.  I'm unsure if pressing forward shows faith or foolishness... if letting go would be wisdom or fear.  It’s been setback after setback, and I'm in limbo again after some discouraging news (that my experience of two failed matches in a row is a major anomaly, and the local clinic I was planning on is actually not a partner clinic with them after all).  The low-key ambiguity feels complex and exhausting - repeatedly sitting in the tension of hope and grief, asking for wisdom and craving comfort.

*If you're in this place too — holding an unresolved grief that’s hard to name and process — I see you.  More importantly, God sees you and cares about everything you are feeling.  You are not alone.

In the midst of relatively minor confusion and discouragement, our ultimate hope is in the Lord.  There is a great reward ahead of us, and our souls can be anchored in that hope!  In the meantime, please pray with me for clarity and peace. ❤

Love you and hope you're having a lovely Friday.  And I hope you choose to draw near and feel God’s nearness in return today!!

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him.'  The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him."  ~Lamentations 3:21-25 NLT

On Finishing Strong

"Come let us rejoice in who He is...
Our lives are in His hands,
and He keeps our feet from stumbling."
~Psalm 66:9

As I head into this final week before my race, I can’t help but reflect on how this marathon journey mirrors the bigger road I've been on for over a decade...

I first considered running a full marathon back in 2009.  I signed up for the OKC race in 2011, but I didn’t train well and eventually backed out.  Got into the Nike Women’s Marathon in 2012, then talked myself right out of those crazy San Francisco hills!  Now, 13 years and five Half-Marathons later, I have finally done the work to train and prepare, and I have a strong desire and determination to finish this race!

Much like the marathon, living out my calling in counseling has been a long and winding road.  I started pursuing this dream back in 2012 with night classes at SNU, only to be rejected by multiple grad schools afterwards.  Around the same time, I was grieving the loss of a fractured friendship.  So I settled back into court reporting, a great career where I felt secure and tucked away—but I could never quite shake the sense of God’s call on my life.

In 2022, I took the leap and started graduate school.  Now, 13 years after stepping into my first counseling class, I'm preparing to step out of my cocoon of career safety and familiarity — to actually live out the calling God planted in my heart so long ago!  I think people tend to assume joy and excitement are my main emotions here... 

But it’s scary.  It’s vulnerable.  It’s slow.
A marathon, not a sprint.

I am moving from something comfortable where I am at the top of my field into something new where I’m at the bottom of the ladder -- still experimenting, exploring, "paying my dues," wrestling through my own insecurities to figure out where I fit and how God has uniquely gifted me.  I’ve learned a lot over the past three years, but there’s still so much I don’t know.  And the best way to learn is through hands-on practice, critique and constructive feedback, actively embracing change and choosing a growth mindset, repeatedly showing up and being seen!  That level of scrutiny feels very disorienting after 20 years in a cozy background observer role.

I have to remind myself often: I am not alone.  God is with me.  God is for me.

This candidacy job search has stretched me more than I expected. Since December, I’ve submitted over 15 applications and completed at least eight job interviews—with places like CREOKS Broken Arrow, CRS-Tulsa, FCS-Tulsa, Charlie Health (virtual), Red Rock OKC, and Moore Counseling Center.  (That doesn't include the work of applying and interviewing for the PhD program - it's been a lot).  Fear/the enemy keeps whispering: You don’t belong here.  You’re not enough.  This is all too hard.  You’ll never find your place.  I have seriously considered pursuing a Federal CR job for the stability and great salary.  But deep down, I know God didn’t bring me this far to quit now - I believe there are real lives I am called to impact, and I cannot give in to greed or cowardice or the craving for comfort.

I do recognize that I’m a prime target for spiritual warfare in this in-between season.  Thankfully, God keeps dropping little pearls of wisdom and encouragement just when I need them—through friends and family, podcasts and books, etc.  I recently heard John Eldredge talk about how we are needed here on earth — how each of us is called to uniquely reflect God’s love and light to those around us, how the character of Christ is being formed within us, and how we are "in training for reigning" as we move toward our future in Heaven.  I love that!

You know I love a good illustration, and I’ve been thinking about that final scene in The Patriot.  The soldiers are retreating in fear, divided and overwhelmed.  Then Mel Gibson runs through all the chaos, waving their flag and shouting, “No retreat—HOLD—hold the line!”  A repeated line from that movie is “stay the course.”  Even now, it encourages me to remember what I’m fighting for, why it matters, and not to give up when the path feels far harder, longer, and more costly than I'd expected.

As real change draws near, I have felt more overwhelmed and inadequate than excited.  But these are all normal emotions at this stage, and I want to build a life marked by courage and bold faith!  I want to try new things and find my best lane in counseling.  I want to finish what I’ve started, which means stepping fully into this new identity and leaving comfort and hiding behind.  I am determined and called to make a Kingdom impact with my life and my work.  And I'm confident that God will lead, guide, and provide for me as I keep moving forward!

Okay, speaking of long journeys and forward momentum, my adoption story is at another pivotal point.  This is my third year of working with Snowflakes.  After two surgeries that made me healthier for a potential pregnancy — and two difficult setbacks with the previous matches — Shay completed my final home study update over Easter weekend.  This week, I am restarting the matching process, working with OU Reproductive instead of Dallas IVF this time.  I feel hopeful and cautiously optimistic, ready and willing to make major shifts and sacrifices if God chooses to fulfill this desire!

(For the record, if this third attempt doesn’t work, I will let go of this specific path to motherhood.  Not releasing the desire entirely, but believing this particular doorway is closed.)  Still, I am planning, preparing, and praying that the third time’s a charm — for my embryo adoption journey and for finishing the marathon this weekend!

In my hopes for adoption, my career calling, my health journey, and this long-standing marathon dream, I have encountered surprise plot twists, detours, rejections, loss, fear, and long seasons of waiting.  However, my soul is anchored in Kingdom hope, and I am decidedly stronger than I used to be.  I like being someone who dreams big and lives with purpose, but I don’t want to be the girl who never finishes anything.  (And I don’t believe God wants that identity for me either.)  So I am resisting the enemy’s lies and breaking those old agreements.

We can do hard things, and it's worth the effort!  Whenever it happens, physically crossing the Finish Line will feel so symbolic and hopeful for me.  I’m praying and believing for 2025 to be a year of courage and victorious follow-through.  A year of finishing strong.  I am grateful to know I am not facing these challenges alone.  And I’m trusting our faithful God, who finishes every good thing He starts!!

"Since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the particular race God has set before us... Let God train you, for He is doing what any loving father does for His children... So take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs, and mark out a straight, smooth path for your feet so that those who follow you, though weak and lame, will not fall and hurt themselves but become strong." ~Hebrews 12:1-13

❤ ❤ ❤

Easter Sunday!

Easter 2025 was a delight from start to finish... MWC Life Church, Olive Garden lunch with the fam in Norman, then a Tulsa trip, cute Easter egg hunt and dinner at the Wilson home, and lots of photos with people I love! ❤

This = our family table at Olive Garden!  (We had reservations at BJs, but they were very slow to seat us, so we headed across the street and had pretty great service at the OG!)  We had a good talk about next week's race, poster ideas, Jace's fish (always), and potential future vacation ideas!

And now, some 2025 Easter Sunday pics of several families I love... starting with the Schoolcraft fam!

The Shoemakers

Harvey Lane and Heidi Claire - so much cuteness!

Moss Fam!

The Shankles (my podcast franz - lol)

The Foster fam!

The Wilson/Weatherford crew!

The Maguires!

Me, Rach, and Kyndal Faith!

Jaceman has been serving in the 4-year-olds room lately and doing a great job - it makes me happy to see that!!

The kids just before the Easter egg hunt! =)

Everyone listening to "Uncle Chet" laying out the rules! lol

After the Easter egg hunt! ❤

Pile-on-Tate game, Parker watching closely while the dads were hiding the eggs - lol, snacks and dessert options, egg hunt, Parker being a dramatic storyteller, and Katherine Claire playing us a lovely song. lol

Gracious, I adore her!  Happy Birthday Eve Eve to her today! lol

Had not put together that it was 4/20 until Chettles sent this! lol

And now a more Jesus-centered meme, but still throwing in some rap. =)

In all sincerity, I am deeply grateful for the work of Christ, the only hope strong enough to anchor our hearts for anything this life throws at us!!  And I will write a separate post with some deeper thoughts on that later today.

❤ ❤ ❤