Marble Jars and Kingdom Hope

What. a. Preshface!! ❤

She was so proud showing me how she could write her name - YAY, every letter was exciting, and I applauded her!  She even threw in a faux-cursive signature under the print... coming back in dramatically to dot her i's, so it must have been her middle or last name. lol ;-)  I like that she took her time and alternated pink and purple markers and drew blanks for all her letters before filling them in.  I also like that they had been home all day, but she chose to wear her fancy Christmas dress around the house! lol  She's the very best.

This = Tate showing me the origami section he liked in The Highlights Book of Things to Do, then showing me several paper hats and cups he had already made following the book's instructions! ❤

Childhood me would have loved this book - anything with unique/random facts or creative, kid-friendy project ideas was interesting and fun to me!  I bought it a few years back, along with some great Christian books, as gifts for my future child/children.  In the process of reorganizing my home and paring down my book collection -- and in the aftermath of letting go of embryo adoption -- I decided it was healthier to let those books go too.  I donated loads of my recently used books to Goodwill, but I gave all the children's books I'd been saving to the wonderful Wilson fam, knowing they read to their children and have two young kids and one on the way... and it made me really happy to see Tate enjoying it!!

Him in his Santa hat with his origami hat collection and her on her tiptoes in her fancy Christmas dress -- I just really love them both, and I am infinitely grateful for my friendship with their family. ❤

As I left work on Thursday, I got an unexpected email from the GoFundMe account for Kristen Harriss.  Her parents were writing a final message to sincerely thank everyone who had donated and to share that the support meant a lot to them and to Kristen, in spite of things not turning out the way we all had hoped.  They also explained that there was a small surplus of money that they would be donating to a children's charity in Kristen's name, as kids were always near and dear to her heart.  That hit me hard, as did the idea of this being their first Christmas without her.  The holiday season always amplifies things (the joys and the struggles), and I'm feeling some lingering sadness and heaviness and maybe a bit of fear about the idea of not becoming a mom and what that means for me moving forward.  Praying for Jesus to catch my heart on that, and reminding myself to appreciate all the beauty that is present now.

The Wilsons are high on that list for me - I joined them for dinner before Kelly's Favorite Things Party on Friday, then saw them again for Chet's favorite party of the year tonight!

I got some quality time with this mini-BFF, Parker Elizabeth, on both days.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Brene Brown uses a marble jar metaphor for trust, saying that as relationships develop over time, we add marbles to the jar as people prove themselves trustworthy, and we subtract them when people hurt or betray our trust...

"When we think about betrayal in terms of the marble jar metaphor, most of us think of someone we trust doing something so terrible that it forces us to grab the jar and dump out every single marble. What’s the worst betrayal of trust? He sleeps with my best friend. She lies about where the money went. He/she chooses someone over me. Someone uses my vulnerability against me (an act of emotional treason that causes most of us to slam the entire jar to the ground rather than just dumping out the marbles). All terrible betrayals, definitely, but there is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust.

In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would say disengagement.

When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain - there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making."

~Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

This helped me, and for those who have experienced this form of betrayal, I hope this quote helps you feel less alone or irrational in the middle of your pain.  It HURTS when someone you love disengages and gradually pulls away, and you typically know it long before anyone outside the relationship notices anything is wrong.  I have been guilty of this myself at times as well as being on the receiving end of it.  It's the passive-aggressive and cowardly choice, and I hope to choose courage from today forward.  Don't play games or just hope someone gets the hint, but be honest with people if you're upset with them or you want to redefine the relationship.  Be hot or be cold, but don't be lukewarm.  That's my free advice for the day. :)

~Blog excerpt from August 2014 Lindsey

I saw Brene's video (below) on that topic this morning, which inspired me to find that old blog post.  It goes along with a lot of my deeper thoughts and what I'm seeing/experiencing with friendships lately.  Disengagement is a low-level, lazy form of betrayal, and staying engaged is a high-level, intentional way to let your people know they matter.  Showing up, showing interest and excitement, genuinely caring... it matters every time!

And on that note, Chettles is a proven and trusted "marble jar friend" for me, and I'm thankful for the big and small ways he consistently shows up for his family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.  

Fun fact: These pics are exactly 15 years apart.  Joining the ridiculously early morning Today Show crowd in NYC December 2010, then a random pic with the Thunder-Chet sign his neighbor brought tonight! lol

Final subject change:  While catching up with Paul and Stephanie, I mentioned that I would likely be moving back to Tulsa sometime in the next couple years.  Paul quietly said, "I remember why you moved down there - how is the adoption journey going for you?"  It was really kind, and it caught me off guard.  I cleared my throat and stammered out a slightly awkward but sincere "Thank you for asking" before briefly explaining that my pursuit of embryo adoption had ended after medical issues complicated things.  They truly understand, and we moved on to other topics without much issue, but I was genuinely glad that he asked and showed interest.

So as I sit in my beautifully cozy, quiet home and process this first week of truly fun Christmas parties and good conversations and ramped-up grief emotions and soooo much talk about family and children and new year hopes and dreams, all of the above feels like a very solid reminder for me to keep my heart anchored in Kingdom hope.  We have a heart designed for the unending family-style connections and redemptive joy and lasting purpose that will. be. ours. forever. in the Kingdom of Heaven, and all the lovely things we experience here will always be partial and incomplete by comparison.  So make the most of all the joy you are given here, but let your heart find rest in the firm and secure Kingdom hope we have through Christ!  The best is yet to come, truly.

 

In the meantime, remember that your presence matters - disengagement is a form of betrayal - show up for the people you care about, for the people who have been there for you!

Okay, friends!  I'll keep it lighter and post fun party pics tomorrow!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Thanksgiving Prayer

Day 27:  Write a prayer of thanks for this year’s blessings, challenges, and lessons.

Father God, 

I love You, I worship You, and I trust You.

Thank You for being faithful and kind and protective and empowering, weaving everything together for the good of those who love You!

Thank You for ALL the daily blessings and small joys You've given me, along with the big events and happy things You planned long ago for me to enjoy and celebrate in 2025 -- Mom's 70th birthday, a trip with Triston and a solo trip to NYC, Judge Golden's retirement, Jaceman becoming a teenager and stepping out of elementary school, Abby's graduation, a trip with Mom and a solo trip to Colorado, graduating with my Masters and stepping into CCU's doctoral program, Triston starting his Senior year and getting promising news on college scholarships, reaching a weight-loss milestone, training for and finishing a full marathon, Rach passing the CPC-A exam, adopting embryos, starting my LPC-Candidacy, Ashley Campbell's book release, finding my Heal Out Loud lifegroup community, the Wilsons' pregnancy and gender reveal party, Frankie's new job, Marilyn's recovery, having a paid-off home, the global impact of the Bible app, getting to join Chet for his marathon finish line, remixing my home and setting up a great office space, and landing a new job I'm truly excited to start next month!!  Thank You for the close relationships that make all of the above more meaningful and beautiful to me!

Thank You for Your timing and guiding my steps and challenging me to grow in new ways this year -- for being with me and for me even as I received more painful medical news at Dallas IVF, for giving me all the courage and relational support I needed to finally step back from the adoption path, for timely books and podcasts, for repentance and grace, for meaningful counseling sessions with Emily and consistent support and wisdom from Chet Lee, for the defining mentorship of Dr. Burkhart (and wise words from Dr. Elliott and Dr. Robinson) that challenged me to stay in the PhD program when I wanted to leave, for challenging me to step up in integrity, for wisdom to navigate hard situations with aging parents, for prompting a timely friendship connection and for the beautiful ceremony honoring the life of Kristen Harriss, for what I learned through rejection and confusion as I applied and interviewed for so. many. jobs. this year, for supportive friends and family, for what You taught me through my clients and how you worked through me in counseling sessions at ITS, for a growing and shifting understanding about my future career path, and for increasing calm and clarity after a lot of inner chaos in 2025.  Thank You for Your faithfulness and for the legit gift of writing to help me process ALL of the above!!

Thank You for Your promise that You never abandon us and that nothing can separate us from Your love.  Thank You for the cloud of witnesses cheering me on and for the anchoring hope of spending eternity with You.  Thank You for rich conversations, good music and books and movies, football games, outdoor walks, family dinners, naps, volleyball tournaments, ballet recitals, school programs, birthday celebrations, live musicals, delicious food, fun projects, growing friendships, all the things I'm learning, and all the things I am so looking forward to -- and thank You that Heaven will be a serious upgrade on everything we love and enjoy here!  Thank You for the quiet failures, the funerals, rejection letters, hard conversations, painful goodbyes, ambiguous grief, and other sharp reminders of our human frailty (that we are all subject to death and decay here) - and for the way these things increase our hope for Heaven.  Our time here is short, and our calling is opposed.  I need Your grace, Your armor, Your wisdom, and Your presence today, Lord!  Give me eyes to see what matters and a heart that cares enough to engage and act boldly.  Help me to walk in love and joy and peace, to think and speak in ways that honor You, and to always be thankful!!

Thank You for loving me and believing in me and making my paths straight.  Thank You that I belong to You, and I always belong with You, and I am never alone!  I still have questions about what lies ahead, but I am trusting You, O Lord, saying, "You are my God." My future is in Your hands!

In the authority of Jesus' name,

Amen. ❤

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, BLOG FAM!!
Thank you for being here - it means a lot!

❤ ❤ ❤

Metaphors and Masterpieces

Day 11:  If your life were a metaphor (e.g., a race, a garden, a song, a book),
what would it be and why?

Pic from my 5k training run this weekend

I'm all about metaphors, and I heard one yesterday that I LOVE:

Jon Tyson was on John Eldredge's podcast (yes, please, to that group hangout!), and he talked about a book called Great by Choice (already purchased as my next audible read).  He shared a story about two very different training approaches for serious mountain climbing... One group did 20 miles a day regardless of the weather.  They were consistent and focused, never allowing the weather or outside circumstances to dictate their gameplan for the day.  The other group was reactive, really pushing themselves and going 30-40 miles on the beautiful days, but setting up camp and waiting it out if there was a blizzard.  The first group reached their goal working together, and in spite of very rough weather, everyone survived and did well.  The second group experienced several deaths and losses, and most failed to reach the summit.  Jon compared that to our walk with God, emphasizing the need to be consistent in our spiritual disciplines rather than reacting to our daily mood or circumstances.  (It could apply to any number of things - consistency over reactivity.)

I'm happy God loves metaphor, too.  He uses a lot of metaphorical language, mostly gardening (Vine and branches, the parable of the good soil; trees planted by rivers of water; oaks of righteousness) and racing (the race marked out for you; throw off everything that hinders; run with endurance).  

His Word also has a lot to say about battle (your enemy prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour; the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds; put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground).  Importantly, this is not a fiction-based metaphor, but a literal spiritual reality that God wants us to be deeply aware of and on guard for.  Since John Eldredge forever changed my worldview about that in 2007, I have done my best to put hard things into that warfare context, but it's so easy to forget or lose sight of.  Our hearts are truly being targeted by a vicious enemy, and God is fighting to free our hearts (and wants us to join Him in setting others free)!  I've been reminded of that truth even earlier this week, and it is always crazy-helpful to view childhood trauma or any difficult things we face as adults through that context!!!  Everything begins to make more sense.

Since the war context doesn't count as an official metaphor, I will go with marathon training/running as the metaphor for my life - you can look back at any of my Marathon Monday posts for more cheesy musings on that topic.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  Consistent pacing and planning is key.  Training in all kinds of weather is helpful.  Inner grit and a solid community will keep you going.  You also need proper fuel and strength.  Take it one step at a time, celebrate the small milestones along the way, and be aware of the course marked out for you.  There are uphill battles and downhill coasting seasons, and that's all normal.  Having a clear prize and end goal in mind is really motivating.  It also helps to remember you have people supporting you and cheering you on (including a very real great cloud of witnesses in Heaven)!! ❤

But wait, there's more!! lol  Painting is another one that often comes to mind since it's a creative activity I enjoy... I've tried several abstract art paintings, then I continually rework and tweak and improve them. So I like thinking of my life as a blank canvas, and God and I are working together to create something beautiful there.  Some of the colors I thought would be most prominent are fading into the background now, while others that I didn't see clearly at first have started to shine and stand out.  I've tried to quit or assumed I did something irreparable a few times, but God carefully covers and corrects my errors (beauty for ashes, and love covering a multitude of sins).  It's all a bit messy and unfinished right now, but already deeply unique and valuable and worthy of love!  God is the master artist, and only He knows the planned design for where it's all headed, so asking for His direction is always the best course of wisdom.  Fortunately, He is still actively at work and enjoying the whole process, and He never gives up on the projects He begins.  And little by little, my life-canvas is growing in beauty and color and depth, being gradually perfected to better reflect the Creator artist. ❤ "For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."  ~Ephesians 2:10

Yay, metaphors! ;-)  Okay, that's all I've got for you today - which was probably more than you asked for or expected. lol  

Happy 14th Anniversary to Bill & Jill!!

Also, Happy Veteran's Day, and a very sincere thank you to everyone who has served!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Gender Reveal!

The wonderful Wilson family will soon be a party of five, plus one in Heaven!
...I'm realizing even as I write this that the above sentence now holds true for three of my favorite families on earth, which makes me feel even more grateful for the ironclad reality of Heaven.  For those who choose Christ, our "firm and secure hope" lies in knowing that everything that is broken, partial, and incomplete here will be healed, whole, and complete there.  Seriously, what a gift!

Anyway, tonight was the Baby Wilson GENDER REVEAL Party!!  How cute is this cookiecake by Karli Marie!?

...I don't like incomplete story loops, so for the record, I found out Karli was pregnant back on August 9th when she was too sick to join us for this hangout at H-Tea-O and Woodland Hills!  They found out the week they finished their foster parenting classes and got their home study approval with DHS, so that timing was entertaining and ironic!  Karli has dealt with more fatigue and morning sickness this time around - it's finally beginning to lift a little.  Chettles is training for a marathon and was pretty sore and exhausted after running 20 miles this morning.   Right now, they are serving as respite foster care support, which means low-sleep weekends caring for a newborn as they prepare for their own baby due late March or early April AND continue to parent their children well and serve regularly at their church and help out at the kids' schools and process grief and hold onto hope and train for a marathon and attend/lead weekly Bible studies and support their family and friends well and handle ongoing work and life responsibilities and plan and host multiple big events!   They are truly exceptional and deeply-loved and valued people, so please join me in praying for extra grace, good health, and renewed strength for all of them in this demanding season!!

From learning Karli was pregnant during the summer 2017 Mercantile trip to now, today is the first time anyone has known the gender before the birth of their children.  Chet and Karli did not find out early with Tate or Parker, and the wait was rough on me and Melissa and Teresa. lol  Chet loves a good surprise as much as I love being the first to know something.  I very kindly offered to go pick up the cake today, and he said, "Girl, I don't trust you (not to look)."  I will say he was not wrong, but I wouldn't have ruined it for anyone else. lol  All that to say, I'm very thrilled that they decided to find out ahead of time with this baby!  They've had the envelope containing the gender from their doctor since our Los Cabos hangout on September 27th, but Bill and Melissa were on a cruise through most of October, and Chet and Karli were in no big rush about planning this event, in spite of Melissa and I thoughtfully offering multiple date options for them. lol

Today was FINALLY the big day.  And when I realized that they were mourning a miscarriage two years ago, this really felt like God's perfect timing to give them something joyful and redemptive to counterbalance that painful grief anniversary!! ❤  With my own circumstances, my heart feels every bit of this more this year, but there is so much joy to be found in life, and I would sincerely rather my emotions be heightened than numb.

Before they cut the cake, we all went around the circle with every person guessing/voting the gender they expected.  A classic Chettles move...

Predictably, Tate wanted a boy and Parker wanted a girl, and the other kids at the party mostly voted for their own gender.  Chet was hoping for a girl, but they had convinced themselves it was likely to be a boy.  Sarah and Melissa both guessed boy, as well.  I said girl, just as I did when we all voted on the chalkboard at the Farmhouse back in 2017.  I was obviously wrong back then, but I got it right this time!  They used two knives to cut this cake together, revealing the pink icing for a beautiful baby sister for Tate and Parker!! ❤

The cake was a Laurannae bride's cake, so yay for that!  (It wasn't quite as good as their cupcakes I have loved, but still highly preferable to earl grey and lavender.  lol)  They told Chet this size would serve 8 people, which was quite the understatement!  Also, since Chet vetoed me grabbing the cake for them, I came over around 4:30 to help Karli decorate, and my job was tying the pink, blue, and silver streamers for the backdrop behind them here, so I just felt compelled to point out my hard work there!  ;-)

Gracious, I love this group, and love this group pic taken with Kristin Renee's phone!!  Note to self: Find out what type of phone she has and get it next time I upgrade... look how crisp and clear the photo quality is here - umm, yes, please!

We had Chick-fil-A nuggets and wraps + CFA tea + Honest juice boxes for the kids + fries + salad and fruit salad, along with cake and cookiecake - thanks, Wilson fam!!  Top middle pic = the actual envelope from their doctor.  Top right is Evan and Jon moving a recliner downstairs.  Bottom row = a cake closeup and Chet and Karli hanging the banner!

The Wilsons are the most fun!!  They have permanent LED lights outside where they can use an app to change the color for different holidays/events.  They set it to blue and pink before this party, then changed them to all pink after cutting the cake - FUN!!

Speaking of quick changes, I went from Halloween fun to Christmas queen in less than 24 hours! #bringonChristmas  (Right pic = me texting Rach to ask which headband to wear with my new sweatshirt, which felt like a perfect choice to ring in November. lol)

We stayed and chatted longer than I'd expected, which means I'm up late and back-dating these three blogs now! lol  This = one final pic with the Wilsons and Fultons as we were leaving!

I was already feeling this. lol  Not loving how early it will get dark now, but this meme made me laugh! =)

Okaaaay, I had a lot to say today, but I can promise you I won't write three posts a day moving forward. lol  

Hold on to hope and joy today, friends!  The God of all hope and comfort is with you and for you, working everything out for your good and for His glory.  Heaven is real, redemption is real, and the best things we experience here on earth are just a sneak preview of all the wonderful things God has in store for us when we get there!

I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!
Enjoy the extra hour of sleep!!
See you tomorrow!

❤ ❤ ❤

Embrace the Partial

I think about this song often.

In a slightly comical way with my mindset toward food.

In a less comical way about my own marriage potential.

And lately, just quietly wondering about what will truly bring me fulfillment in life...

I'm reminded of this verse, which I've loved for a very long time:

"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."
~1 Corinthians 13:12

I LOVE the reminder that God sees me and loves me and knows me completely, especially since I feel genuine confused about what I want and what's best for me half the time. lol  I also love the reminder that earthly life feels "partial and incomplete" for EVERYONE - I'm not alone or unique in that inner void, and there is not some vital thing I can do or attain that will truly and finally "fix it."  The nature of sin is ever-increasing, so anything we turn to in idolatry or addiction patterns will never ever be "enough."  Marriage will never be enough to complete us.  Motherhood will never be enough to fulfill us.  A fantastic job will not be enough.  Great health, strength, beauty, degrees, vacations, money, security, political power - all fleeting and never enough to last and completely fulfill us.  Even our experience of God's presence, close friendships, and church community will never be enough here.  "ALLLLLL THAT I KNOW NOW is partial and incomplete."  All of it.  John Eldredge has helped me to view those things -- the best things I experience here -- as a glimpse or a preview of what life will be like in Heaven.  That perspective helps me so much right now.

"The temptation when you're in it with disappointment, loss, and unrealized dreams is to shut part of your heart down and pack it away.  We give up on relationship because it is partial.  We give up on friendship because it is partial.  We give up on work or on our calling because it is partial."  ~John Eldredge

Nothing less can satisfy us.

I have been working so hard to pursue big dreams over the past 3-4 years, and in the deepest part of me, I feel a growing disappointment and disenchantment with all of it this year.  And what I've really needed was the above reminder that it is all intended to be partial, even at its best.  Single motherhood would never have been perfect.  Married motherhood isn't either.  Even in the best and most God-honoring marriages.  Weight loss doesn't make life or health perfect.  Court reporting will always fall a bit short of being fulfilling for me.  Counseling work will usually fall short of the genuine connections and pay range I desire.  I can choose what I want to prioritize moving forward, but I would do well to remember that every human being alive is dealing with something that makes their life imperfect, partial, and incomplete.  And that's okay and normal and expected - that's the part I really need to hold on to!!

I fully believe that action is better than being stagnant, and we can (and should) experience a lot of love and gratitude and joy and wonder here!  However, there is no meaningful goal -- not one -- that will make our lives feel whole and complete.  And that's oddly comforting to me in this pivotal moment, because it takes the intense pressure off of me.  It means I am not failing at life, and God is not failing me.  I'm feeling the deep ache of wanting what is only available for me in Heaven, the sting of "the partial."  And I'm reminding myself to re-anchor my soul in the hope of knowing Jesus and spending eternity with Him, not in any earthly hope that I can muster up and push for here.

I appreciate this chart, but believing we can find lasting "bliss" if we only find the perfect job role for ourselves is false hope.  We should make the effort to find work we enjoy and live lives that matter and help others, but nothing will always be perfect.  The hero's journey does not end in bliss, but in setting new goals and keeping a right perspective.  Life is messy, and perfection will not arrive for any of us unless or until we meet Jesus face to face, which is a big relief to my perfectionistic mind and longing heart.  It's not on me.  Perfect relational connections, perfect health and beauty, and fulfilling work are all coming later.  For now, we can "embrace the partial" and make the most of the time, energy, and wonderful people God gives us to love here!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Shifting gears, please be praying for my Aunt Marilyn, who had a stroke last Tuesday.  Her speech and facial movement are improving, and she is being moved to a rehab facility today.  This = the Texas Muecke fam last Thanksgiving, with Marilyn and Gus on the right!

She's next to me after our Red Robin lunch here:

And keep my Aunt JoBug (LaJo) in your prayers also - she had a bacterial infection/virus that caused some A-Fib issues and resulted in her heart being shocked back into the sinus rhythm last Friday.

Things that feel very true right now:

Life is fragile, and sometimes it's really scary and hard.

People are resilient, and love is healing.

Everything we know and experience here is partial and incomplete.

There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind!!

My PeiWei fortune cookie promise... I have lots of dreams and a lot to look forward to, but it all feels a bit vague and distant right now.  I'm in a mild grief and transition season, so that's okay.  There are better things ahead, here on earth and in Heaven!

"So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. Put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world."  ~1 Peter 1:13

I love you and believe in you,

and I pray that this Kingdom hope reminder was helpful today!

❤ ❤ ❤

Living Proof

I was very grateful to attend the Living Proof Live event with Beth Moore and her team this weekend!  I bought the ticket months ago and was going on my own, then I ran into Kantrell just after getting out of my car, so I sat with her and Amber both days.  This = our pic on Saturday morning... living proof that God redeems! ❤

Worship with Travis Cottrell is always good... this whole conference makes me want to join them for the Alaska cruise next summer!!  

We sat in the very back row on Friday night!

Beth introducing her 16-year-old granddaughter, Anna Beth.  I for sure remember being in a Bible study of hers when Amanda was pregnant with this girl, so it made me happy to see her there!

*Friday was the two-year anniversary of Babah's funeral, where I wrote the obituary and led the prayer and eulogy at her graveside and memorial service.  Looking back, I feel grateful for that opportunity and proud that I stepped up for it.

Ran into Laura and Angie, friends from Kelly's Diving Deeper Women's Lifegroup of yesteryear!!  Good to catch up with them while we snacked on SkinnyPop Popcorn during our 30-minute break on Saturday morning!

Beth is the best!  (She had a surgery that made it difficult for her to kneel and get back up on stage, so a friend of hers built this bench so that she could continue her tradition of kneeling in prayer at the beginning of every event!)

Beth taught on Ecclesiastes... not what I would have expected, but of course, it was good!  I was laughing because I really wanted a very clear "Let go" or "Hold on" theme, and instead I got the vague, "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away" passage, along with several peppy reminders from the teacher in Ecclesiastes that much of what happens under the sun is meaningless, senseless, futile, vain, absurd, and out of our control.  Beth said this book gives us "a soulmate in our anguished doubt."  That and her encouragement to keep an "above the sun perspective" were honestly well-timed.  Ironically, I was at the Beth Moore live event in Tulsa on this very same weekend in 2013 (yay FB memories)... I have loved her books and Bible studies for 20+ years, and I am deeply grateful for Beth's influence in my life and my walk with Christ!!

I stayed at the Southern Hills Marriott on Friday night, which was a solid call.  The Friday night session ended at 9:30, then Saturday, we started back at 8am.  After we dismissed at noon, I met Tiffany Joanne and Laura Allison for lunch at McAlister's!  We celebrated Tiffany's life and the one-year anniversary of the life-saving surgery (removing blood clots from her lungs), and we talked and caught up on life and work for over three hours.  It was good to connect with them!!

From there, I headed to Melissa's to watch the second half of the OSU-Baylor game with Melissa and Karli and the kids whilst Chettles finished showing some nearby Executive Homes!  Parker Elizabeth was in a fun and cuddly mood that day, which was a delight to my soul. =)

This = her being proud of her kid's menu artwork! lol #preshface

We had dinner at Los Cabos, always a favorite for me!  We were able to get in without a wait if we sat on the covered patio, which was lovely other than the band being incredibly close and loud.  They took a break through the main part of our meal, so we were able to talk without yelling during that time. lol  Tate was very into his book, and Parker was watching the band pretty closely.

Just a little light reading under the waterfall! lol  I like that this is not a posed candid - he was just genuinely into the book on that level. =)

For those close enough to pay attention to this saga, I'm grateful that you care.  After LOTS of prayer and back-and-forth inner wrestling and hard conversations and personal journaling and seeking clarity, I have decided to close the chapter on the embryo adoption journey.  I'm not closing my heart to motherhood, but not putting myself through any more physical, mental, and emotional hurdles on this particular route.  I am tired of life feeling "on pause," so finally making a decision and being able to move forward accordingly is a relief at this point, but there is grief that comes with it too.

For now, I'm going to process this privately, but we all know I'm likely to write more about it down the road.  Truly, thank you for your support and understanding, both now and through the past several years as I took serious steps to pursue this goal, which became a catalyst for so many other positive life changes!  This is a hard part of my story, but not in the way I imagined.  God's grace is very present and sufficient.  I believe He is with me and for me, and I trust that He has good and hopeful things planned for my future even now... prayers for peace are appreciated as I heal and seek to honor God with my life moving forward!

The same holds true for you.

God is faithful, and His mercy is new today - lean into that!

❤ ❤ ❤