An Adventure of Endless Adjustments

Happy Sunday, friends and family!  Here's me, Katie, Ashley, and Jennifer - my women's lifegroup!  We met for 3 hours and had an impromptu group therapy session of sorts on Saturday - I'm grateful for each of them and happy to have these new connections here!! ❤

Nurse Kristie (our CHA friend who helped care for Mom a couple years back) celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary last week! =)

And Sarah Elizabeth celebrated her 37th Birthday yesterday!

Love this - "an adventure of endless adjustments" feels perfectly phrased. lol. God knows the details, so we don't have to!

Judge Brockman and Judge Tupper (at a Cleveland County lunch event I didn't know about, but probably would've skipped). lol

The Miss K made us a Google Slideshow of her Birthday Wishlist!

She is all about her birthday this year, and I'm here for it! lol

Seeing this the day they added it made me happy!

Why I'm always likely to have a blog or journal...

Ashley Campbell opening the box of her first published book + Ruth celebrating her 70th birthday in Scotland! ❤

Jennifer brought these InnerActive therapy cards - we each chose 3 to represent a part of our story, then shared those stories with the group - which led to super interesting and deep conversations! ❤

You are capable.  You are worth it.  You are still in the game.

Keep going!! ❤

Today started with At the Movies at MWC Life.Church followed by Pelican's lunch (a classic throwback), then my first supervision session with April, then tonight was a fun movie night seeing Superman with Rach, Jaceman, and Kyndal Faith!  The 4D motion was intense - we needed seatbelts! lol

Yes, there's chocolate in my teeth, but still a cute pic! lol

Clearly, I save a lot of Jeff Moore's posts - the encouragement to keep going and press through hard things is needed in this season!

God has full power to speak things into existence, and His plan prevails - praying for deeper faith and peace as I lean into what that means for my own life!!

That's all for today.  Thanks for being here, and goodnight!  I love you and believe in you, and I hope you've had a great weekend!!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Anchor Holds

Almost five months into this job search extravaganza, and if I’m honest, I’m a little discouraged and confused... and increasingly curious about what God is up to in this season.

Chet jokingly said I’m “rage applying” at this point — and, as usual, he’s not too far off.  My backup plan was to ease into private practice on the side while keeping my court reporting job with its steady pay and benefits.  But after talking with Amy, my former supervisor, it’s clear that most private practices in Oklahoma are too slow right now to take on new LPC-Candidates.

Okay.  Another closed door.
In the 4.5 months since I finished grad school, I’ve had ten interviews:

• CREOKS – (Zoom interview with Jessica) - Accepted a school therapist role; prayed and changed my mind about moving and working with kids - no regrets
• Charlie Health – (Two Zoom interviews with Dominique) - Recruited on LinkedIn; eventually passed over
• Red Rock – (In-person interview with Stephanie) - Froze on a difficult question; eventually received a rejection email
• Counseling & Recovery Services – (Zoom interview with Sara) - Realized it was for a school therapist role and withdrew my application
• Family & Children's Services – (In-person interview with Koreena) - Thought it went great; got a rejection email - they do say they prefer LCSWs
• Moore Counseling – (In-person interview with Dr. Ward; Zoom interview with Brandie)  - Really encouraging interviews, but their part-time offer wasn’t feasible right now
• Colorado Christian PhD – (Zoom group & individual interviews) -  Great experience - I'm in; the program begins next month!

I was also excited about the Maternal Mental Health Therapist opening with FCS, but they filled that position before we even scheduled an interview.  In addition to all of these interviews, I've spent loads of time and energy on job searches, resume updates, networking, cold applications, follow-up phone calls, website building, discussions with potential supervisors, and several processing talks with Mom, Chet, and Kristin - grateful for their abundant wisdom and patience as I wade through this messy season.  The internal pressure is real, and the hustle has been exhausting, especially for a classic introvert.  The closed doors and continuing questions from others are beginning to  feel a bit embarrassing, and this holding pattern is forcing me to ask some hard questions:  Am I climbing the wrong mountain?  Is God using rejection to redirect me?  Should I double down on counseling… or embrace the practical benefits of court reporting again?

To be clear, I absolutely acknowledge that my current frustration is relatively minor compared to what many are going through.  I am not oblivious or indifferent to the pain of friends who are dealing with personal health issues, challenging family dynamics, caring for aging parents, navigating a move, grief, cancer, and more... there are certainly additional elements to my story that I don't feel free to share on the public blog, but all in all, this season of waiting is more frustrating than truly painful.  I am also confident that this entire process is sharpening me — I’ve become better at interviews, more articulate about my counseling philosophy, and clearer about my values over the past few months.  And I'm realizing how much financial stability matters to me, especially if I’m ever blessed to become a mom — (and court reporting currently meets that need better than counseling does).

So I spent the early part of this week in an online seminar to keep up my CR certifications, and I've recently applied for two court reporting positions in addition to other counseling jobs - which feels a little crazy, but we'll see what doors God chooses to open.  It's ironic that I had been so eager to write the “Court is Adjourned” blog as I transition into full-time counseling.  That dream appears to be on pause - I still don't have a supervisor, and I haven’t seen a client since August.  This season mirrors my one semester at OBU — overwhelmed by a long list of VAGUE possibilities, I opted for the security of court reporting school.  That practical decision served me well back then, and I’m grateful for the financial stability it continues to provide today!

Singleness also plays into these decisions.  I sometimes imagine myself as tethered to my family and /or my friends in Tulsa.  (Yes, I know we add great value to each other’s lives.  But if I moved away, their daily routines wouldn’t change much, and that realization is both freeing and quietly painful.)  Recently, I found myself lamenting that and longing to build with and be “tied down” to someone — to feel chosen, grounded, and truly tethered and connected to another person who shares the weight and the reward of these big decisions.

Then yesterday, Kristin Foster shared a clip of Christine Caine speaking on Hebrews 6:19, one of my very favorite verses.  She said: “Jesus is very firm and very secure.  The anchor will hold — but you better be connected to the anchor in order for the anchor to hold you.  Ultimately, it's not that Jesus is unfaithful, but somewhere, we became untethered from the anchor.”

Mic drop.

It definitely caught my attention, as I’ve specifically spoken about feeling "untethered" lately.  It was a sharp reminder to draw near and reconnect.

I am not alone or unseen.  Not groundless or untethered.

My foundation is still rock solid.  

My anchor has never moved.

His love for me has never failed or wavered.

While I continue to wait and wrestle and pray through a stormy season, I am tethering myself to the Anchor - my heart will be rooted in Jesus Christ - and my hope in Him is firm, secure, and unshakable.

God is good and kind, and nothing He allows is without purpose.  So I'm taking a deep breath, praying for renewed strength and endurance, and joining David in declaring:  "You are my God - my future is in Your hands."

“The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.
The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.
I have fallen on my knees as I face the raging seas…
The Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.”

❤️

Sophie Kinsella

I listened to this audiobook on my drive to Tulsa yesterday.  I was fully caught up on podcasts and Audible books, so I did a search for available books on Libby and figured I'd give this a try.  And in spite of knowing Sophie's writing style pretty well, I was entirely caught off guard by this one!!

Sophie's books are known for their bright and cheery covers, usually lighthearted chick lit stories with happy endings.  The main character is almost always a single woman, and the plots are fairly predictable/frivolous, but fun and sweet.  I read several of them back in my young adult years, 2005-2012ish...

(This = Madeleine Sophie Wickham, but she writes under the name Sophie Kinsella.)

The leading lady in this book is a happily married mother of five kids, a successful author who decided to write about what she knew, starting with a main character who had a mild shopping addiction.  I suspected at that point that this book was going to be autobiographical, then a little ways in, Eve (the main character) wakes up after surgery to remove a brain tumor.  She wrote in detail about stage four glioblastoma, an incurable brain cancer that typically comes back, and about how Eve and her awesome, supportive husband and their five children were dealing with it.  There were some poignant reflections on death and grief and loss and feeling gratitude and love in the midst of all that.  The entire thing was 2 hours, and the book ends somewhat abruptly but on a hopeful note, with the main character doing well and hoping for continued health and healing.

Then she narrates the Author's Note, where she clearly explains that this is her story, that she has a wonderful husband and five children, and she was diagnosed with this rare cancer and had a surgery that (temporarily) affected her memory and ability to walk, etc.

She said something like "my attentive readers will notice a shift from my usual tone..." Umm, massive understatement!  I was nearly crying as I made my way onto the Creek Turnpike.  But I'm thankful I found this one, and I'm praying for her and her family!  It was a deep reminder of the value of being a light by choosing love and joy and hope, even in seasons that are dark and heavy.

❤ ❤ ❤

Doctor of Philosophy

Okay, one more post for today.  I've mentioned that on March 7th, I interviewed for the PhD (Doctor of Philosophy) program in Counselor Education and Supervision at Colorado Christian.  And today, March 17th, I received my acceptance email!  (I have until the 31st to officially accept or decline their offer of admission, so I'm going to take at least a week to pray about that and seriously consider my options moving forward.)

But for today, I want to celebrate that I did the hard work of applying, preparing, praying, interviewing, and waaaiting... that I felt poised and represented myself as well as I could've hoped for in the virtual interviews, and that I got into the highest counseling degree offered by what I sincerely consider the best Christian university program available!  The CCU faculty is so solid, and I may get to join them someday... which is truly exciting!!

I feel honored and grateful, and in spite of my impatience at having to wait through an extra weekend to hear this news, I feel confident that God was at work in that timing (like the 21-mile jog that reminded my heart to find hope in Spring, and the rubber band video that led me not to give up or let go of other dreams, and the fact that my interview and acceptance date both have 7s in them).  Little things matter to me, and I believe God's hand is often seen in the details!

❤

I was watching my email all day, and this arrived at 3:56 PM.  I felt immediate relief and joy, and it helps me understand how God was shifting my focus here as several jobs I've applied for have not worked out lately.

12 years ago, Laura Allison threw a surprise graduation party for me after I finished my bachelor's degree program at SNU.  She even relabeled the Dr. Pepper with "Dr. Muecke" ...at the time, my plan was to move right into a combined Masters/Doctorate program.  In early 2014, I applied for competitive programs at OSU (ignored because a recommendation letter arrived late), Rosemead (rejected), and eventually SNU (also rejected, in spite of high grades and recommendations from their best professors).  I wasn't particularly confident or ready, I was grieving a major loss, and the doors I stepped toward in that season did not open.  I can see now that the timing would not have been right in any number of ways, and the schools themselves were not where God intended for me to be...

I say all that mostly to emphasize that this has been a long-held dream for me, and God has finally opened the door now.... the right door in the right time.

And I feel very hopeful that it's the first of many, like a series of automatic doors, desired opportunities that God will open as I step toward them. ❤

God is always good and kind, but I'll be the first to acknowledge that hope is much easier to feel and believe after the acceptance email than before - the "renewed strength" part is awesome; the "waiting on the Lord" part is rough!

Gracious, I'm processing this news and praying for wisdom and peace, but I wanted to document this while it's all fresh.  I know it would be a 3-year commitment and a very challenging path ahead, but I also know I am not in this alone.  God is with me and for me, helping me grow in wisdom and maturity and favor with God and man.  I am complete through my union with Christ, and He has the power to shape and transform my heart and open the right doors at the right time that will lead to the greatest Kingdom impact...

And every bit of that deserves to be celebrated!! =)

❤ ❤ ❤

Marathon Monday #5!

Happy Monday, friends and fam... hope your week is off to a good start!

A month ago (12-12-24), I interviewed for an Intake Therapist job at CREOKS.  They mentioned offering higher pay for a school-based therapist position, a solid option where I could continue working with Marla.  Since that day, I've finished grad school, hosted Christmas events, passed several background checks, accepted the job and announced the move, completed numerous onboarding documents with CREOKS, looked at homes in Tulsa, met with my OKC realtor, and connected with a potential candidacy supervisor.  Some fast-paced movement and chaos, but life always seems to slow down a bit in January - enough to hear the whispers over the whirlwind!  Having some extra time to reflect, pray, and process lately has helped me realize I don’t have God-given peace about moving for this job, as much as I wish I did...

Initially, I felt excited and believed God was opening these doors, but my own lack of inner peace + outside factors not lining up + good conversations with Chet Lee, Mom, Rach, and Kristin... along with John Eldredge’s recent warnings on guarding against deception in big life decisions, have gradually clarified that this isn’t the right path for me in this season.  I dread walking back a commitment I made publicly, especially since part of me still feels drawn to Tulsa and hesitant to let a good job opportunity go.  But when I slow down enough to be honest with myself and God, a number of factors point to the timing being off, and this role does not align well with my heart and calling.  (I am capable of growing and learning new things, but I can do nothing apart from Jesus, so I need to feel certain that He is in it with me!)  My passion is for deeper conversations and bringing light into darkness for adult clients, not full-time work with young kids and their families - the area where I consistently felt least competent and most easily exhausted/overwhelmed through my internships.

Chet had some great insight and reminded me that I'm in a good position to trust God's timing and wait for the right opportunity without rushing or giving in to pressure that's not from God.  I cannot say with any clarity what that will mean for my career moving forward, but I sincerely believe my time living closer to my family is unfinished.  By stepping back from this move and not racing into something I don't have peace about, I’m choosing faith and trusting God to open the right doors in His time...

Moving back into the unknown feels a bit deflating and sad, and I naturally worry about what others will think, which makes it harder for me to change course and admit that I initially missed God’s direction here - but I can see that embracing humility is also a rescue from something that could have been MUCH harder on me in the long run.  And my focus needs to be re-centered on pleasing God and moving in alignment with Him!  (Part of why “let them” is my theme for 2025:  Let others think whatever they will; Let me follow God wholeheartedly.)

* * * * * * *

On a related note, I completed 10 miles of training this weekend... a 4-mile walk on Sunday and 6 miles of mostly jogging at Lake Hefner on Saturday!  I am rocking the training workouts and getting better at pacing myself, but my eating habits are out of alignment with my health goals, so I am actively remedying that now!

My decision not to move means facing a couple of difficult conversations today - so far, I'm forcing myself to step up and they've gone better than expected.  And I'm gently reminding myself that my closest people will fully support me in this, and my decision won't significantly impact anyone else's daily life, AND no one is thinking about me as much as I might imagine they are... (this "people aren't thinking about you the way you're thinking about you" scene has genuinely helped me several times. lol)

❤

Sooo...

Deep breaths.

We can do hard things.

No one is doing life perfectly.

We are all figuring things out as we go!

Living in alignment with our values and goals matters.

God is with us and for us, caring enough to rescue us when we get off track!

I'm thankful for realignment with God's better pacing... and grateful for His grace and the timing of the quiet snow days last week.

I love you and believe in you, and I believe in your ability to make choices in alignment with God's best plan for your life!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Thankful Thursday #219

"And surely I am with you always,

to the very end of the age."
~Matthew 28:20

Today, I am thankful for: 

1.  Accepting a "School-Based Therapist" job offer from CREOKS (to be an elementary school counselor in Broken Arrow starting early March)!  I am grateful God connected me with Marla, a fellow court reporter pursuing a counseling career transition and moving from Cleveland County to the Tulsa area!  Long story short, I'm emotional about the transition but very grateful for God’s guidance, and I am going to learn and grow and make the most of my time working with young children and their families!! ❤

2.  Crockpot chicken and noodles... a simple comfort food that's good with and without alfredo sauce. =)

3.  I'm grateful to be hosting our family Christmas Eve gathering this year (with JoBug and her fam + us and the Parrishes).  It's nice having some real presents under the tree alongside the lovely wrapped boxes of air Mom made to complete the Christmas look. lol

4.  Kristin Michelle... My move to OKC was a massive catalyst for positive changes in my life - I see God's hand in many areas, and it's okay that it didn't take the exact shape I was expecting.  Through all the pivots and shifting dreams and goals, l am deeply grateful for Kristin‘s consistent support, her faith in me as a potential mom, and for trusting that we have years of close friendship ahead!

5.  Thankful that we have the God-given ability to renew our minds, form new habits, and see new results.

6.  Thankful for marathon training being the long string that will tie this season together - a worthy goal with a stable and consistent routine that will help me feel sane and emotionally regulated in the midst of the coming chaos. #movementismedicine

 

7.  Mel freaking Robbins, one of the strongest voices speaking into my life all year long with the Launch course and live trainings and biweekly podcast - this episode was fantastic and so well-timed!! #thankful #actionbuildsconfidence

Okay, I'm done with the online processing for today.  Lots of gratitude and joy mixed with a bit of grief and wondering what God will do next.  Faith in His goodness, and fortitude to persevere when life doesn't go according to plan.  Much love to whoever has read all of this.  Happy Thursday, and happy Christmas week ahead!!
❤ ❤ ❤

The Plans He Has for Me

Sometimes I play out conversations in my head, thinking of ways I might have responded differently or what I would say if a similar opportunity comes up later.  I've been thinking a lot about motherhood, circling through what I've already tried and the various options available now.

As a woman in my 40s considering intentionally stepping into the mom role, when I hear (or imagine) age-related comments, I tend to picture myself saying, "Oh, this was never Plan A - that ship sailed back in summer 2007.  This is more like Plan X, Y, or Z."  A thought that's somehow simultaneously self-pitying and prideful, feeling like I'm resiliently making the most of the discarded table scraps life has thrown me.  I feel like there's a root of bitterness quietly growing in the background that I am shining a light on and uprooting today.

In a fantastic sermon series about the life of King David, Steven Furtick quipped, "Maybe your plan B is God's plan A."  Out of context, I'd probably role my eyes at that line feeling cliché and hollow.  But he was talking about Samuel grieving over King Saul's disobedience, then God leading him to anoint David as their future king, although Jesse completely overlooked him and assumed each of his older sons were more qualified for that leadership role.  In human terms, David was an afterthought, out of the natural royal bloodline, a background character who was overlooked by his own family... a plan X, Y, or Z.  But God saw him and knew his heart and would not allow him to be sidelined or dismissed or forgotten.

I love David.  His emotional vulnerability and grief, his courage when he's defending the name of God, his love for writing, his insidious sin nature conflicting with his sincere desire to know God deeply, his confession and repentance for hidden sin, and of course, his devoted friendship with Jonathan all feel very relatable for me.

I would love to be a mom, a wife, an acclaimed author, a counselor, a financial success, a speaker/teacher, etc.  But most importantly, I want to be a woman after God's own heart.  If I get that last one right, other good things will naturally flow from it.  If I get everything else while missing God's heart, then nothing I accomplish will really matter in God's Kingdom.  

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." ~Matthew 6:33

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope... If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me."  ~Jeremiah 29:11-13

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~Proverbs 19:21

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~Psalm 33:11

I've been too focused on MY plans and trying to figure all of this out myself.  God's ways are higher than ours.  My plans have failed repeatedly - I've run into lots of closed doors and walls, and it makes stepping out again feel scarier.  There are pieces of my story I wish I could change, and I deeply wish I could see the entire course and the finish line from here.  Part of me feels overlooked and undervalued, like all the best men have been taken and all the best avenues have been closed - like motherhood is unlikely and all that is available for me now is Plan X, Y, and Z.  Still... thinking about David's story is really encouraging me this week.

"Maybe your plan B is God's plan A."

God is using that small comment to counter the negative patterns in my mind, encouraging me and lifting my perspective.  My age is really not an obstacle for Him.  He has marked out a race for me to run, and every turn that's been barricaded or blocked was not intended for me.  The detours and disappointments I have faced can still be used by God for my good and for His glory.  He has a specific plan for my life, and I have a unique role to play here.  And I do not have to figure it all out alone!  There is joy and beauty ahead, and His goodness and mercy are following me.  I am safe and seen and supported, and I will be okay.

Father God, I love You and I trust You!  I believe You are with me and for me, and I believe You are good.  I need Your grace and wisdom, and I need clarity on how to move forward.  Show me the best path, and strengthen my faith to walk in it.

In Jesus' name, Amen. ❤

Untangling + Phoning It In #24

I had my third therapy session with Emily this afternoon.  Perfect timing, honestly - yay, God!  My biggest takeaway was to have grace and patience as I gradually untangle myself from shame and negative messages (which goes right along with Hebrews 12:1).  I found three illustrations that resonate with this idea: working with others who truly care, processing jumbled thoughts and emotions as I talk openly, and freeing my heart from stuck places!  I particularly like the top one because it could represent the Trinity or working with a therapist and close friend who listen well and care enough to help me untangle myself from toxic messages and lies I've believed + gain clarity and peace.  This visual also inspires me to gently help others (family, friends, and clients) in the same way!! ❤

And now, 500,000 pictures so I can feel caught up! lol

Here's me and Kristin on Saturday! ❤

Saturday was Diesel's 10th Birthday party!  Fun times and a really great turnout at the Whitaker household! =)

The boys were fun and energetic, and Miss Amelia and Clara were cute, and I got a couple lovely cousin pics... but the thing I'll probably remember most is getting a text from Mom about Trump being shot at a rally she was watching live.  I called her during and after the party to get more details.  Without making this about political opinions or conspiracy theories, I'll just say I am grateful for God's protection and praying for more of God's peace, both personally and nationally.  

Shifting gears, Sunday morning I was up at 5:30 to meet Mom and T-man.  She scheduled this "discovery flight" for Triston to learn more about becoming a pilot (and to determine whether he gets motion sick in small planes - he does not - I would've been in very rough shape).

Proud of his courage for trying this - he really enjoyed it and plans to move forward with ground school classes, so that's exciting!

A Monday Meme courtesy of Chettles and Texas Roadhouse (the best rolls + cinnamon butter!!)

"eeEEee is for how Extreeemely normal I find it..."

Jaceman and Kyndal are working out with a trainer 3x a week at Shape this summer!  Proud of them for their hard work, also!

Ruth and Charlotte - I haven't seen them in a while, but their friendship makes me happy!

Nap time for J&K several years back (a FB memory Dad posted).  Kyndal looks so much like toddler-Rachael here, and her open eyes and irritated glare made me laugh!

Another iceberg illustration... and a reminder for you that what's happening beneath the surface matters!

A powerful word from Priscilla Shirer!

Yes to this - and while I'm at it, thank God for Donald Miller and the many, many ways he has changed my life!!

Whilst getting my oil changed at Lexus this weekend and finishing one audiobook then starting another, I realized I was casually sitting with my legs crossed (something naturally thin people probably take for granted), and that made me happy!  Another non-scale victory is my doctor saying I can start tapering down from my blood pressure medication (while monitoring it carefully, obvi).  YAY!  Month 1 was rough times, and the "Week-3 stall" lingered a while for me, but I'm feeling more balanced physically and emotionally lately.  I've been working out regularly and making healthier choices, breaking through the long plateau and just feeling VERY grateful for these gradual, positive changes!! ❤  Love this journey for me. ;-)

Built this happy new desk chair just before finishing my Diagnostic Worksheet homework yesterday!  So happy about transforming this room!

The Bullard fam... well, the Troop Bullard fam, to be more specific.  Lots of love and respect for them!

A July 2015 throwback from Free Tea Day at McAlister's... fun!

Saw this on Mom and Dad's TV and immediately thought of the Cabaret song (which I only know from Schitt's Creek)... "Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!" =)

Weird to end on a welcome note, but here we are!  I sincerely hope you're having a fantastic day.  And in case no one else mentions it, I want to say that I love you and believe in you, and I believe in your ability to untangle from any lies you've believed and stand firm in grace and truth!! ❤