Let Them

Day 30:  Reflect on this year’s spiritual theme — what word or lesson has shaped your journey?

2025's theme was inspired by my good friend, Mel Robbins. =)

Her bestseller book came out on Christmas Eve 2024, and I quickly listened to every word.  I loved the concept enough to choose it as my theme for 2025...

And I promptly bought the hoodie!

In a year that included applying for and starting the doctorate, several counseling and CR job interviews and career decisions, hard medical news and adoption decisions, gradually shifting family dynamics, and another opportunity to move or stay put... it was really good to be reminded repeatedly that most people will not understand all of my decisions... and that the great, great majority of people will not even care enough to check in or read about them and will not be personally affected by whatever I choose (see my "David, nobody cares" post).  No one else has to live your life, and no other flawed human being FULLY understands your perspective.  Lean on God, and let people misunderstand.

For right now, I have chosen court reporting over counseling, job security over unknown risk factors, pursuing more school over settling without it, honoring others' dignity over forcing what I believe is best for them, letting go of the embryo adoption path and doing my best to trust God with my future family hopes.  Decision-wise, this was undoubtedly the most difficult year of my life (other years have been difficult based on things outside my control; this time, a lot of it was up to me, which was challenging in new ways).  The Let Them theory -- and lots of good talks with Emily, Chet, Mom, Kristin, and other friends and professors -- helped me!!  Our lifegroup study on boundaries has also been well-timed.  A good reminder that sometimes the best course is to give others less access rather than hoping they will become better and more responsible with what you've offered them... this cheesy Christmas song meme made me laugh and think about that!

Thanks for sticking with me through this month of 36 blog posts! lol  Happy last day of November, friends!  I hope and pray that you have a lovely December ahead!

Friendly Reminder:

Let them misunderstand.

Let them be confused.

You're responsible for knowing what's right FOR YOU.

You're responsible for making decisions you can live with.

You're responsible for trusting yourself enough

that someone else's confusion doesn't shake your clarity...

They're seeing your decision through their limits, 

their fears, their life experiences.

It's not your responsibility to make people understand.

Let them.

Let them be confused,

And let me be clear.

Let them question me,

And let me stand firm in a simple answer.

Let them have their opinions,

And let me have my boundaries. 

Let them disagree.

Let me keep going.

Let them not get it.

Let me stop explaining myself.

Let them talk.

Let me live.

~Mel

❤ ❤ ❤

Walking with God

Day 24:  Which TV or film character’s journey reminds you of your walk with God, and why?

• Ron Weasley, Harry Potter series
• Cousin Richie, The Bear
• Andrea Sachs, The Devil Wears Prada

Ron:  I just adore Ron.  In the beginning, he often feels overlooked and insecure among his talented family and famous friends.  He struggles with feeling unimportant or unseen (or undeserving when he is seen/chosen), but throughout the series, it becomes clear that he is the grounding force between Harry’s intensity and Hermione’s brilliance, the natural connector who makes their friendship trio work and gradually move from loyal friends to family.  His story reminds me that God often casts us in roles we do not recognize as vital while we’re in them.  Like being the supportive encourager, showing up faithfully, and bringing light into hard situations.

Richie:  Richie's transformation resonated with me more than I expected.  His character starts off insecure, overcompensating in obnoxious ways for the lack of real purpose in his own life.  The lightbulbs come on for him in the “Forks” episode (The Bear, S. 2, Ep. 7), among my very favorite episodes of any show.  Without changing his career description, his newfound sense of purpose and personal pride in serving others well and giving them a great, memorable experience changes EVERYTHING!  Every second counts.  When he says, “I think I’m the sand,” in season 3, that also hit me.  He found purpose in realizing he wasn’t the star of the show, but a vital behind-the-scenes connector who fills in the gaps, brings joy, and helps others shine and feel special.  I’ve felt God calling me into that same posture, finding purpose in being a steady anchor and connecting presence in the lives of my friends, family, and hopefully future clients and students!

Andrea:  Andi is an introverted writer determined to prove herself in a high-pressure job, and she gets lost and confused in the chaotic process.  Her journey is a good reminder that high achievement means nothing if it costs you your integrity, joy, or close relationships.  It's a rough comparison, but it came to mind here - as the idea of striving while losing sight of the end goal resonates for me, and so does her turning point of remembering her values and goals, finding a healthier balance, and reaching out to mend fences with people she hurt along the way. 

God is always at work, currently shaping my understanding that purpose is not found in the spotlight of being the most accomplished or most impressive, but in the subtle work of faithfully showing up, prioritizing strong connections, and helping others feel safe, seen, and supported! ❤

Having said all of that, the above characters represent things God is teaching me.  But a walk with God is a RELATIONSHIP, and the book & film relationship that best mirrors that for me is Harry and Dumbledore.

The story begins with Harry feeling a sense of awe and mystery as he meets Dumbledore.  Learned reverence mixed with a lot of deeper questions.  He shows an instinctive childlike trust that Dumbledore is wise and has his best interest at heart, even though he is slower than Harry would prefer to reveal the answers he wants.  Dumbledore sees something special in Harry that makes him want to grow and become better, and Harry is fiercely loyal and defends Dumbledore's reputation whenever anyone tries to question or diminish him.  "Dumbledore's man through and through."  In Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore intentionally distances himself from Harry to protect him.  Naturally, Harry feels abandoned and hurt, all while battling mounting confusion, opposition, anger, and darkness in the world around him.  Yet the entire time, Dumbledore is fighting a larger battle on Harry’s behalf, shielding him from Voldemort’s influence and preparing Harry for a confrontation he doesn't fully understand yet.  He shows up powerfully to stand between Harry and the enemy when Harry needs him most, then he helps Harry process the worst grief and loss he has faced even as Harry is violently angry with him.  Toward the end of the series, Dumbledore becomes a closer mentor to Harry as they partner together in shared missions to learn about and confront their enemy.  There is a deep respect along with a growing sense of friendship, collaboration, and purpose.  In the end, Dumbledore sacrifices himself for the cause, and Harry and friends have to rally and use all they have learned from him to sort through the curious mysteries left behind and complete the vital mission he assigned to them.

And every. bit. of the above mirrors my walk with God. ❤

Okay then, good talk!  I maaaay have overthought this one. lol

Happy Monday, blog fam!  I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Character Influences

Day 22:  Who are three people who have had the greatest impact on your character?

Chet Lee Wilson (Chettles)
Real Estate Agent, Keller Williams
A long-time, trusted friend with the highest number of shared good memories.  Chet sees value where others overlook it, leads with integrity, loves his family well, and models what it means to be a grounded, Godly man! 
*Pray for strength and good weather as he runs the Route 66 Full Marathon on Sunday - excited to see how this goes with the Relay team!!

Maxine Muecke (Mom)
Federal and State Court Reporter, Retired
My protective and loving mom, and the defining influence of my childhood.  My most frequent phone call, an involved Mamaw, an ardent patriot, the Christmas Queen, and a devoted sports fan.  I am very grateful for her consistent support and love!

Dr. Ryan M. Burkhart (Dr. B)
School of Counseling Dean, Colorado Christian University
My Leadership and Advocacy professor whose feedback meant more to me than any teacher feedback I’ve received in my 21+ years as a student.  A Godly mentor, respected friend, and (Lord willing) future boss whose guidance has significantly shaped my leadership identity and vision for a future at CCU!

Okay, I’m proud of myself for not including Josh or Malori here.  Yes, those broken friendships shaped me deeply, but the reason the story turned toward beauty-for-ashes and healing was because of Jesus and the steady, loyal friends and family members who helped me rebuild strength and move forward.  With a history of feeling overlooked, it means a great deal to me to truly be seen, valued, and supported.  The above three represent quality relationships that hold me to a high standard while also offering high support, and I believe that combination is what inspires personal growth and builds good character! ❤

John Eldredge and Donald Miller were also contenders, as their books reoriented my worldview and life goals.  But at this point, Dr. Burkhart's direct influence on my leadership identity + the real possibility of a future path at CCU placed him in my top three.

❤ ❤ ❤

The Path of Peace

And now, a life update...

Short Version:  Within a 48-hour period, I received the two best job offers of my life last week!  And yesterday, I gladly accepted a court reporter position with the Oklahoma Corporation Commission! ❤

Detailed Version:  The counseling market is oversaturated right now, while court reporting is facing a major shortage.  This means that desirable counseling jobs (especially entry-level roles) are limited, while there are loads of CR openings (for which I'm well qualified after nearly 21 years in the field).  Over the past year, my focus has shifted.  My current hope is to continue with court reporting as my primary career, then teach at CCU on the side after finishing my PhD.  

Last week, I interviewed for a Federal Court Reporter position in Tulsa.  It was a Zoom panel with two hiring officials and five other court reporters, but I felt surprisingly calm.  We had a great conversation where I learned a lot about the role:  meticulously tracking work hours, working with a judge who speaks clearly and slowly but requires realtime for every  hearing, being able to work from home when not in court, busy dockets, and a faster 30-day turnaround time on all transcripts at a lower page rate than I currently charge.  By the end of the day, I received an official job offer.

Becoming a Federal CR is really the pinnacle of the profession, so receiving that offer was a surprising honor and a confidence boost!  To be clear, the offer came with a substantial pay increase (potentially $50-90k+ more each year, depending on transcript volume), fantastic benefits, and a significantly heavier workload.

Even though the idea of moving during the holidays, upgrading all my equipment, pausing the doctoral program, potentially hearing traumatizing things in court, and mastering realtime before facing a courtroom full of high-level jury trials was extremely stressful, I was really leaning toward accepting.  I had talked with my CCU advisor, Chet was sending me house listings, and Mom and I were discussing new steno machines and CRR prep.  It felt like the ominous uphill climb at the beginning of a roller-coaster that I knew would be a rocky learning curve for at least the first six months.

Thanks to Rachael's interest in court reporting leading to Mom's recent conversation with Marilyn, I had also thrown my application in with the Oklahoma Corporation Commission just over a week ago.  I assumed the Federal role would be the one I took if it was offered, and the OCC could be a solid backup option.

After a very long and exhausting Friday in court last week (which honestly felt like God reminding me that I'm happier when cases settle rather than drag into long trials), Amy from the OCC called.  We talked for 30 minutes, and I knew within the first five minutes that I wanted that job!!  With the ongoing shortage, she essentially offered me the position on the spot.  I spoke with Andrea Monday morning -- another CR on their leadership team -- and officially said yes.  I submitted my resignation to Judge Brockman yesterday afternoon and sent my decline email to the federal court this morning.  My final day here will be 12-23, and for HR reasons, my start date with the OCC will be 12-29.

This will be a lateral move salary-wise since it's still an Oklahoma state CR role, but the benefits include:  Being managed by other CRs who understand and place a high value on court reporters, no realtime requirement, a legit electronic filing system (yes, please), a higher transcript page rate ($7.50 per page!), a predictable and non-traumatizing docket of mostly oil and gas cases, and working remotely from home all but 3-4 days per month!!  That makes this the most flexible work role I've ever had, which many of you know is truly saying something. lol  Their hearings are all Zoom recorded, so the backup audio will be solid and comforting.  And it allows me to continue moving forward with the PhD program at the accelerated pace!

Early on, I joked that this choice came down to greed vs. laziness, but truly, it came down to alignment vs. pressure.  Both job offers are excellent, and I trust that I would be valued and have stability and job security either way.  After careful and prayerful consideration, I have chosen the role that aligns with my long-term goals, the life I'm building, and the peace I want to protect!

Interestingly, this is the second year in a row where I almost rushed back to Tulsa for a new year transition, then God kept me here.  So I'm choosing to embrace that and make the most of being in OKC in 2026, trusting God's timing and plan.  After 48 hours of nonstop brainstorming about  the moving process (which is the actual worst) and wrestling with the intensity of the Federal job details, the OCC position was a real quick yes for me!

Yes to peace.
Yes to flexibility.
Yes to staying on track with the PhD.
Yes to an unhurried holiday season.
Yes to family dinners, CHA events, and keeping life rooted right now.
Yes to creating a beautiful home office space I'll enjoy instead of packing up my paid-off home!  

I still see myself eventually landing in Tulsa, but I don't want to rush it.  I am genuinely happy to stay in the OKC area a little longer.  And while I tend to worry about how my decisions affect others, the Tulsa federal court should not have trouble finding a dedicated court reporter who desires that level of intensity, and being able to give Judge Brockman over a month's notice helped ease that transition and made yesterday's conversation less difficult.

I am deeply grateful for God's timing in ALL of the above.  It needed to happen in this sequence for me to feel affirmed and believe I'm competent and capable of handling the Federal CR role, but also to feel flooded with peace, relief, and joy when the OCC door opened! ❤

Rewrites and Regrets

Day 17:  If you could rewrite one scene from your life, what would you change - or would you keep it exactly as it is?

Excerpt from a 2019 post:  This moment from We are The Millers will forever be what I think of when I say "No regrets!" lol 
..."None?  Not even a single letter!?" 🤣

I'm not a big believer in regrets.  I remember one of the many Myers-Briggs sites I have visited saying that INFJs are the least likely to wish they could go back and change anything because we are able to see purposeful connections and meaning in all of our experiences, and that rang true.  I believe deeply that God has a bigger plan than I could fathom now and He has the power to use my pain for a purpose - for personal growth and for the ultimate good.  And that makes it hard to regret anything, and I'm so thankful for that.  I have put my heart out there in several friendships that ended poorly, and I have taken steps toward many life changes that did not pan out in the end, but it creates resilience when you can look back and see what you've learned and how you've grown from each of those hard events.  The only thing we should ever regret is our sin, and that regret should be temporary because we can seek forgiveness and choose to find healing and change our course."  

~Lindsey from 6 years ago, echoed by Lindsey from today ;-) ❤

In other news, tonight was the YouVersion "Beyond a Billion" event celebrating a billion downloads of the Bible App.  It was the first app I downloaded on my iPhone in 2009, and I'm grateful for Bobby Gruenwald's creative genius and Craig's generosity and leadership with this project.  The first 30 minutes of the event (before they started streaming) were full of painful filler and hype and small talk that nearly led me to miss a really great worship night.  It got MUCH better.  The night included stellar live and in-person worship with CeCe Winans, Lauren Daigle, Matt Redman, Brooke Ligertwood, Kari Jobe, Chris Tomlin, Phil Wickham, and more... along with brief messages from Craig, Bobby, Christine Caine, Louie Giglio, etc.  

The countdown to a billion was marked by loads of confetti at the sold-out Paycom Center! ❤

CeCe, Matt, and Phil... so many great singers tonight!

Today was intense, but in a good way.  More details tomorrow.
Happy Monday!

❤ ❤ ❤

Alternate Universe

Day 14:  In an alternate universe, what does your life look like?

• In an alternate universe, I was a CHA cheerleader all through my junior high and high school years, and I really loved it!
• OR I was seriously injured trying to master the tumbling, or humiliated when I tried out and didn't make the squad.
• In an alternate universe, I never endured Bells Palsy.
• OR my smile never healed and came back.
• In an alternate universe, the feelings were mutual, and I'm a very happy wife and stay-at-home mom with three lovely daughters, living in Virginia Beach.
• OR I really miss my family and I'm a little bored and lonely and navigating how to rebuild my own identity after years of merging/disappearing behind the pedestal.
• In an alternate universe, I ran the Nike Women's Marathon, and I'm rocking that Tiffany necklace "medal."
• OR I collapsed midway through on the rough hills of San Francisco. lol
• In an alternate universe, Malori and I are lifelong besties, and it's been uncomplicated and fun and meaningful.
  
• OR trying to maintain that friendship turned me into a version of myself that I don't really like or respect.
• In an alternate universe, counseling was all that I hoped it would be, and I'm building my own successful walk-and-talk therapy business.
• OR I'm trying very hard to build a business, but the stress and liability are taking a toll.
• In an alternate universe, I am a sharply-dressed, realtime-certified Federal court reporter working from home  a couple days a week and making around 200k per year!
• OR I'm drowning in transcripts, stressed about realtime jury voir dire, and hating tracking all of my hours.
• In an alternate universe, I am a single mom with a great supportive community happily raising my 3-year-old biological child after a successful IUI procedure in 2022.
• OR I'm experiencing the high stress and loneliness a lot of single moms experience, questioning all of my decisions and struggling emotionally.
• In an alternate universe, I have joyfully announced that I am pregnant with a beautiful biracial adopted child through embryo adoption - people are celebrating this with me, and baby showers are being planned by friends and family.
• OR I am suffering physically and emotionally, quietly mourning a miscarriage on my own. 
• In an alternate universe, I moved to Broken Arrow in February, and I am over halfway done with my required hours for candidacy, learning a lot and working alongside Marla as an elementary school therapist for CREOKS.
• OR I regret moving, I hated that job, and I feel like I took a step backwards falling back to the Creek County CR role.
• In an alternate universe, I have published several memoir books and gradually become a New York Times best-selling author!
• OR I published my very first book and got harsh critical feedback that felt crushing.
• In an alternate universe, we are still a party of 9 at family dinners, and our family has experienced far less brokenness and trauma.
• OR our lives were drastically altered because Mom and Dad were killed in their car wreck on this day 14 years ago.

Yeah... life could look very, very different.  And it can be interesting to think about the various branches where life might have gone in another direction... there are literally thousands of them in all of our lives, for better or worse.  But remember to frame it with some realism and gratitude.  Adele is right - "Sometimes the road less traveled is the road best left behind."  Truly, through all the twists and turns, God is protective and caring.  He directs and redirects our steps, and we can trust Him to work in all things (tragedy and trauma included) for our good and for His glory!!  ❤

Okay, in other news, here's a quick Photo Friday catch-up:

Jace's basketball team after a very dramatic and exciting last-second win last night!! =)

Kenzie and Rach chatting it up post-game =)

Gideon, TJ, and Jaceman!

Preshface Parker Elizabeth feeling cute at her CFA breakfast with her awesome Dad!

A lot has happened in my life this week - job offers and big decisions and God being very kind and protective.  I'm grateful, and today's verse of the day feels appropriate!!

Happy Friday, friends!

❤ ❤ ❤

Qualities

Day 13:  What’s a personal quality you’re proud of that others often notice?

(This question feels oddly phrased.)

Mind - I'm proud of cultivating a growth mindset where I always learn new things, and it's nice when others know me well enough to compliment that

Body - I'm proud of and deeply grateful for my smile (after experiencing facial paralysis with Bells Palsy, the ability to smile means a great deal to me, and I'm happy any time I hear compliments on that)

Soul - I am proud that I prioritize quality relationships and genuinely care about people; hopefully they notice and feel that, as well

Spirit - Pride isn't the right word, but I'm thankful that I'm willing to be brutally honest in confessing sin and repenting and pursuing peace with God 

Overall - Resilience and sincerity

Shifting gears, how great is this video?  I really love seeing their friendship, and I love and miss James Corden!!  He. is. precious!

"Oh, I hope in time we both will find peace of mind.
Sometimes the road less traveled is the road best left behind.
Well, I hope I learn to get over myself,
And stop trying to be somebody else..."

Happy Thursday, friends and fam!

❤ ❤ ❤

Story Time

Day 9:  What’s a story from your life most people haven’t heard but reveals something important about who you are?

Not a dramatic story, but in fifth grade, for the first time since young childhood, Miss White (my teacher) decided to read to us after lunch and recess.  We would come back inside and have the option to sit up and listen or lay our head on our desk and close our eyes and listen.  There were no quizzes or tests over what she was reading - it was simply meant for us to settle in and feel calm and enjoy it - and I did!!  She read a few fiction books to us through the course of that year, one chapter per day.  And I really loved imagining it all as I was hearing it.  I remember feeling relaxed and engaged and thinking back then that I wish I could always have someone else read stories to me...

Years later, I am keeping my Audible (and Libby and Hoopla) apps very busy, not to mention all the audio podcasts!  I listen while driving/traveling, while cooking, while folding laundry, while walking and jogging.  I'm an audiobook enthusiast (or an audiobibliophile, if you will), and I give a lot of credit to Miss White for my ability to fully engage my heart and imagination and stay interested as I listen!  So today, I am grateful for good narrators and authors who take the time to read and record their books for myself and all the people like me!! ❤

Buoyant Themes

Day 7:  What lesson keeps resurfacing - and why might God be repeating it in your life?

1)  Facing hard realities head-on; being willing to repent if needed and/or have difficult conversations with others if needed

2)  Choosing transformation and action over conformity and comfort

They are repetitive because I am stubborn, and surrender is hard.  (Not unique to me.)

Joyce says that you never fail a test with God - He just lets you take the same test over and over until you get it.  That feels true.  

On another note, I heard on a podcast recently that you will always feel a little dissatisfied and/or hungry if your body is not getting the right amount of important nutrients from fruits and vegetables... and my continual "never enough"/dissatisfied feeling makes a lot more sense in that context.  So embracing healthy eating = another lesson that keeps resurfacing!

Anyway, I'm leaving work early now, so happy Friday, friends and family!!

❤ ❤ ❤

New Perspective

Day 1:  Write about a moment that changed the way you see yourself or the world.

When I think about key moments that shaped how I see myself and the world, three stand out right now: my recent trip to NYC, a 2010 court reporting seminar, and my first visit to CCU.  Each stretched me in new ways and really helped me grow in confidence, faith, and feeling connected to the world around me!

New York City:  This fall’s trip to NYC was full of firsts, including my first time driving through Dallas traffic!  What once felt intimidating turned out to be empowering.  From navigating airports and hotels and Ubers to exploring NYC and seeing my favorite play on Broadway, everything went smoothly.  God was kind to me, and I came home with great memories, feeling very thankful and more confident and capable.  That trip reminded me that we really can do hard things, and that the world isn’t nearly as scary as it sometimes seems.  It required a bit of courage, and it expanded my sense of safety and community!

Ecstatic to be at the Richard Rodgers Theater with Leslie Odom, Jr. and company!!

2010 Court Reporting Seminar:  This seminar came after a discouraging workday when an attorney’s harsh words caught me off guard and made me cry.  I felt weak and unsure of who I was, and Jane Boucher’s session on personality types was a revelation.  Her simple framework taught me that I’m an Amiable (introverted feeler).  Understanding what that means and how Drivers (extrovert thinkers), Expressives (extrovert feelers), Analyticals (introvert thinkers), and fellow Amiables tend to communicate and interact has forever reshaped the way I view myself and understand relationships - truly valuable insight that continues to guide me today!

(2010-era photo at Orange Leaf with Krista)

Colorado Christian University:  Enrolling at CCU was a leap of faith that took a different kind of bravery and tenacity.  Traveling alone, navigating the Denver airport, hotel, and rental car, stepping into a completely new environment full of strangers, and being required to do in-person counseling role plays that first week -- it all stretched me and stressed. me. out.  But it also expanded my confidence and my worldview in ways I never expected.  The inspiring people I’ve met, the personal growth I’ve experienced, the way my faith and knowledge have deepened, and the glowing sense of connection I feel on the CCU campus have all left a lasting mark!

First time on campus at Residency One, Summer 2022

Courage means moving forward through fear, knowing God is with you and for you.  And as we stay open to His leading, life opens up in beautiful ways!

❤ ❤ ❤

November Blog Challenge

1.  Write about a moment that changed the way you see yourself or the world.

2.  What is one misconception about mental health you feel called to correct?

3.  Describe a small, seemingly ordinary moment in your life that turned out to be a defining scene in your story.

4.  You’re stranded on an island and can bring three items—what are they and why?

5.  Write about a season when your faith or worldview guided you through something challenging?

6.  What has court reporting taught you about people and human nature?

7.  What lesson keeps resurfacing - and why might God be repeating it in your life?

8.  If you could visit any moment in history—or your own past—for one day, when and where would you go?

9.  What’s a story from your life most people haven’t heard but reveals something important about who you are?

10.  Describe a time you stepped outside your comfort zone and what you learned.

11.  If your life were a metaphor (e.g., a race, a garden, a song, a book), what would it be and why?

12.  What song best captures your personality or current season of life, and why?

13.  What’s a personal quality you’re proud of that others often notice?

14.  In an alternate universe, what does your life look like?

15.  What dreams or goals are stirring in your heart for 2026 and beyond?

16.  What has counseling taught you about people’s resilience and inner strength?

17.  If you could rewrite one scene from your life, what would you change - or would you keep it exactly as it is?

18.  You can invite three people (living or dead) to dinner. Who are they, and what would you serve?

19.  What is one truth or principle God is teaching you right now?

20.  What are five small things that never fail to make you smile or brighten your day?

21.  If your life were made into a movie, what is the title and genre, and who would play you?

22.  Who are three people who have had the greatest impact on your character?

23.  What is one quote or verse that has deeply shaped how you live or think?

24.  Which TV or film character’s journey reminds you of your walk with God, and why?

25.  If you could wake up with one superpower (serious or silly), what would it be and how would you use it?

26.  What movie or show do you return to again and again, and what comfort or truth does it offer you each time?

27.  Write a prayer of thanks for this year’s blessings, challenges, and lessons.

28.  What’s something you’re surprisingly good at that most people wouldn’t guess about you?

29.  What activity, place, or experience makes you feel most like yourself?

30.  Reflect on this year’s spiritual theme — what word or lesson has shaped your journey?

*Writing prompts courtesy of my close personal friend, ChatGPT. lol

❤ ❤ ❤

Pedestals and Power

In the wake of my embryo adoption decision, I scheduled three follow-up sessions with Emily.

Potentially our most productive sessions thus far, so I am very grateful!

Yesterday, we discussed my tendency to put others on a pedestal... throughout life, I tend to choose one person who stands out to me as trustworthy then gradually view their opinions and feedback as more valuable than my own, seeking it out, and naturally assuming the slightly inferior role (whether or not they view themselves as superior).  This aligns with old anxious attachment insecurities, intense rejection history, and the Enneagram 9 tendency to merge with others and avoid conflict by minimizing my own opinions - I've been aware of most of that for a while.

But Emily asked how this pedestal tendency serves me, which was a new thought.

I immediately started laughing knowing what she meant.  As counseling students, we learn that our defense mechanisms and negative habits always serve some helpful purpose in our lives.  Otherwise, we'd have an easier time giving them up.  People often try to break these negative patterns without giving much conscious thought to why they chose to build and reinforce them in the first place.  It's worth consideration!

Anyway, the best I could come up with off the cuff was that I always view the person on the pedestal as strong and protective, and I greatly value protective strength.  And maybe I tend to assume the smaller/lower role because there is less responsibility there, and it does not require me to step up, decide, be strong, and/or lead as often.  It's self-protective and takes some of the pressure off of me.

Of course, that ties into the learned helplessness and conditioned apathy that I wrote about in my leadership class.  Situations where you care, but you have trained yourself to pretend you don't really care.  Or you know change would be very difficult, so you gradually give into the idea that you are powerless.  It was the first time I made the connection between feeling inspired to write about all of that during the leadership class, then very intentionally reminding myself a few weeks later that I am not trapped or powerless when I strongly identified with Gladys' miserable walk down the aisle in Gilded Age...  Which led directly into me closing the embryo adoption chapter and finally feeling peace about all of that.  No worries if you didn't follow all of that - I'm mostly writing it for my own future reference.

Honestly, embracing my own agency and power to choose and take action is literally the overarching theme of the last several years of my life.  I haven't done it perfectly, but every decision matters.  Sometimes, I naturally embrace the lesser role out of a false religious guilt that it would be ungodly to feel powerful.  But Scripture is pretty clear that God Himself gives us a spirit of POWER and love and sound judgment rather than timidity or fear!  We have a certain amount of power and authority in Christ, and God means for us to walk in it, not cower or play the victim.

Emily and I also talked about how when you put others on a pedestal, it makes you smaller.

Then we talked about the litany of mixed messages I have received over the past four decades about the value of being small versus the value of being strong.  I told her one of my favorite Peloton quotes was "Make yourself strong, never small!"  (And I'm 90% certain that small vs. strong line of thought will be the theme of my future book, because there is SO MUCH THERE -  mind, body, soul, and spirit!!)

That's all for today.  Yay, therapy! lol

Embrace your God-given power!

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control]."  ~2 Timothy 1:7

❤ ❤ ❤