Moral Authority and Finishing Well

This started on the Thankful Thursday list, then I quickly realized it deserved its own separate post.  

Lately, God is re-sensitizing my conscience in a few areas where I'd become complacent.  I'm entirely grateful for that shift, but it is CHALLENGING to surrender and submit.

For the life of me, it is HARD to spend 5+ hours reading the textbook and sifting through journal articles and piecing together quotes and APA-7 citations to write a 'simple' discussion board post when I know ChatGPT could churn out a better version in five seconds or less. 

In my deepest heart, I want to honor God and live with integrity, and I want to EARN my LPC and my PhD.

On a more shallow surface level, the work feels overwhelming, and I am incredibly aware that it is entirely possible to use generative AI to "help me" write every post, response, paper, and dissertation chapter.  I could make it sound like me, and many graduate students across the country will do just that and receive an equally-respectable degree.  I'm feeling overwhelmed this week with starting my supervised hours at Integrated Therapy Solutions and all the paperwork and the learning curve goes into starting any new position, so I'm not about to pretend that it's not tempting...

In Visioneering, the audiobook I finished recently, Andy Stanley was very clear that we have to be willing to let go of our dream or vision before we compromise our moral authority and integrity.  It's taken me longer than one would hope to get there, but I had a real chat with God during my walk yesterday... God honors our obedience and rewards those who seek and obey Him... holding faith in that promise will be KEY for me here.

**To be clear, AI itself is not evil - it's a tool that can be used for good or bad, and I've gotten some really good, fun things and cool new ideas out of it.  During my walk-break yesterday, God helped me see that using AI through this doctoral program would be a lot like driving myself through the marathon course.  I would be using a machine to move along the same path in a way that is admittedly MUCH easier and faster, that requires far less training and effort and inner grit, that is undeniably cheating even if it is never "caught."  That inner picture and thinking about what I want my "finish line" to feel like made it all very clear to me.  I don't want to take the easy shortcut and shortchange myself and dishonor God.  And yes, that's all a dramatic train of thought... but it was my first assignment in this new program, and I knew I was setting a precedent yesterday.  Part of me has bought into the belief that I'm incapable of doing it without outside help, and that's not true.  I am out of the groove with academic writing, but I am intelligent and capable and actually desire to keep learning and growing.  They required us to cite 3 peer-reviewed articles along with our Leadership textbook, so it all felt surprisingly HARD yesterday - I spent most of the afternoon and evening working on it, and what I turned in around midnight still felt rough to me.

(I think the biggest difference here is that I imagine everyone else is driving the course by utilizing AI - while I'm feeling very compelled to stay behind and walk it, doing all the work on my own - and that feels hard and lonely and unfair.  I know that's not entirely true and that there are at least a few in the same boat with me.  Either way, other people cannot be my standard.  And Psalm 73 helps redirect my mind and heart when I struggle with these thoughts.)

Now I have to write 4 discussion responses and outline a paper where I will cite 10 journal articles by Sunday night - woof.  Mercifully, next week will actually be a school break week for the 4th of July.  So that gives me time to get myself together and create a legit schedule.  After that, we write a 12-page paper about our Leadership Philosophy (which honestly sounds fun/interesting to me).  I'm going to make a concerted effort to get my candidacy stuff started next week and to set out a clear daily schedule for myself as this program moves forward.  I need to be more disciplined and manage my time well, and I believe it will all be doable as I watch less TV and prioritize sleep and get really organized.  But if I cannot manage to do the work and keep my grades up honestly, then I will either defer or fully let go of the doctorate.  And that outcome will be better and more God-honoring and identity-affirming than receiving a degree I did not earn.  

Yes, an easier path is freely available.  But there is an intangible cost to it, and taking that broad path feels like the equivalent of Esau selling his birthright for a bowl of stew.  My ability to think critically and write creatively and manage my time well will grow as I do the work myself, and I will rebuild integrity and self-trust and my ability to clearly hear from God... so I will come out much stronger for it in the end.  So that's my self pep talk for today! lol

P.S.  Two months ago was the day before the Full - aww, memories.  It was mentally and physically tough, and I walked a lot and took a mini-break in the middle, but I'm very proud that I trained hard and finished it, and I can't even tell you how much that metaphor helps me to see things more clearly here!!!

I love you and believe in you, and I believe God sees your hard work and integrity even if it feels absurdly slow and undervalued in our broken culture.  I am confident that God exists, and that He is a rewarder of those who sincerely seek Him!

❤ ❤ ❤

Christ-Regulated Attachment

 Three years ago, I read a fantastic book on Attachment theory (recap HERE).

For various reasons (some that I understand well and some that are likely subconscious), I developed an Anxious Attachment style... I can see it clearly in several relationships and past interactions, and I've worked hard over the past few years to become more Securely attached.  What helps me in that more than anything is being in healthy relationships with people who create a sense of safety and security.  Friends or family members who understand my story pretty well and intentionally reach out to reassure me if things feel off because I'm wrestling with insecurity/relational anxiety.  What triggers nearly-intolerable anxiety levels in me is relationships with people who are more avoidant/detached, who deliberately distance themselves when any relationship begins to feel too close, who lash out with vitriol and anger when I seek clarification or reassurance.  Knowing that about myself has been immensely helpful in choosing and prioritizing safe relationships.

In this week's session of Beth's summer Bible study, she talked about how our spiritual enemy tends to derail our relationships through detachment or entanglement.  And how the cure for that is to press into "Christ-regulated attachment," finding security and emotional stability in Jesus as we learn to have healthier relationships with others.

I loved that illustration!  It simplifies it all and aligns perfectly with Attachment Theory psychology - therapy and theology always align well at their core.  The closer we are to Jesus, the more likely we are to live from a place of secure attachment, knowing and trusting that we are loved and worthy of love.  And yes, the enemy will try to get us to pendulum swing from one extreme to the other, from feeling entangled in unhealthy dynamics - insecure and anxious and needy with low confidence... to detaching from people and being avoidant and overconfident in our ability to do life alone.

On the Detachment <--------> Entanglement spectrum, I typically lean toward Entanglement (over-striving to keep harmony; feeling emotionally wrung out and stressed over any disconnection or relational conflict).  That means I often naturally click with people who fall on the opposite side of that spectrum, and the clash of unmet needs was intense and catastrophic at times.  However, over time, I've moved closer and closer to the central mark of security in Christ, stepping away from entanglement toward deeper stability and loving others well... and part of that is due to having friends who are on the same page, stepping away from hyper-independence/detachment and into intentional love and care.

Every bit of progress we make matters.

And stepping closer to Jesus is key.

“So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if you're with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.”  ~Attached

The more mature and secure we become, the more we can help our friends/family members avoid the extreme ends of this spectrum.  It's a hopeful thought!  "Christ-regulated attachment" is really the perfect way to describe what every Christian should be seeking.  None of us will do things perfectly in any relationship, and we don't need to make other flawed people our standard.  Jesus is with us and for us to help regulate our messy emotions and attachment styles, case by case.  He knows the unique needs of each person and loves everyone perfectly, and growing closer to Him will naturally serve to make us more secure people with more genuine and balanced love for others!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Doctoral Residency, Part 2!

Writing from a hotel room in Goodland, Kansas tonight!  Grateful for a comfy bed - the dorm mattresses are rough - 3.5 hours down, 6.5 to go tomorrow!

This = Friday breakfast with Ashley and Robyn, one of my favorite parts of this CES Residency!  They were the role play students that I "mentored" or supervised last year.  We had some great talks then and I gave them a list of tips and professor recommendations as they were beginning the Master's program.  So glad I texted them on Thursday ~ they were both back in CO as roommates at MAC Res 2, and we decided to meet up at 7am for breakfast... an hour and a half wasn't really enough time, but it was great to hear about their first year in the program, the internship sites they've found for this coming August, and their interest in the PhD program - which we discussed quite a bit, as well!  They both said thanks for the tips I gave them last year - they've had fantastic professors and are absolutely loving the program so far, so we were all just CCU fangirls talking it up! lol  Anyway, it was great to see them and catch up, and it really encouraged me to hear how something that took a small effort on my part made a big difference in their lives. ❤

Last July at their Res 1 and my Res 3 (they pair people up for role play exercises, then you work together the whole week coaching/supporting them as they practice counseling each other).

On that note, Christian counselors make awesome friends - the listening skills, the sincere empathy, and the strong tendency to dive right on into the deeper topics is such a breath of fresh air every time I'm surrounded by CCU Counseling Students!

Me and Heather Martinez, my roommate this year (there are three rooms that connect to the same living room common area - it was me and Heather, Alicia and Charisse, and Michelle and Laura)!  Heather is a wife and a mom of one boy and two girls, and she's already working as an LPC-Supervisor with a thriving counseling practice!

Finally getting to know Faith Smith, a peer from my CCU Master's cohort (but we had no classes together that whole time).  She and I helped co-lead Dr. Brashear's group of Masters Res 2 students yesterday, and it was awesome to hear their stories and stresses and answer their questions and encourage them and share a bit about our Practicum and Internship experiences!!  I loved being in that role and connecting with/encouraging people who are just a few steps behind me, and that reminder was a gift as I've been considering whether I would really enjoy a teaching/supervising role!

Alicia, Elyse, and Ellie taking a stretch break! lol

Everyone else got a drink with dinner last night, so I got a fun cheers-ing pic!

After our Saturday dinner at Lady Nomada (where we ran into Dr. Robinson from CCU)!

Me and Alicia and Terri went to see Thunderbolts after dinner... then had a great talk about how the movie illustrates shame/depression and the way we need community!

I love this campus.  That's all.

Worship session Sunday morning!

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The majority of today was "Super Statistical Sunday," where Dr. Wood talked with us for a long time about Quantitative Research and the SPSS software that will help with our calculations.  It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, and I'm quite thankful we're not having to memorize formulas or do any math by hand.  I can input data into a spreadsheet with the best of them. lol

After a long day of mostly stats work, it was soooo refreshing to end with a 40-minute lecture from Dr. Burkhart, followed by the group photo I'd been wanting all day, then the commissioning ceremony and closing prayer!

I so respect and value the Godly leaders at this school!  Also, I sent this pic to Chet because this slide made me think of him - he's good at most if not all of these "leadership paradoxes."

The new Considine Chapel... in a last-minute decision, Dr. Burkhart let us come in there for the group photo, then we stayed there for the final session, and it felt sacred in a way I can't really explain well in words.

Above = the 17 students in my cohort, along with Dr. Sara Wood, Dr. Gregg Elliott, and Dr. Selin Philip!

I'm so grateful for the words spoken to us and over us today!

Dr. Philip (in her humble but powerful way):  "Trust the process, and trust the God behind the process... Welcome to this holy, sacred work of leadership!"  

Dr. Elliott:  "You are where you are supposed to be - do not let go of it easily!  You made this decision with fortitude and faith and determination... and the only way you won't make it through at this point is if you choose not to make it!" ❤

The Res 2 doctoral students (CCU's first cohort) gathered around us along with the faculty and prayed over us... then we did the same surrounding them, and Dr. Burkhart prayed for all of us.  He started off with "Lord, I'm most grateful for when You showed up in moments of transition and seasons of change, when I needed guidance and had to make decisions that were scary or hard..."

I really felt that.  In spite of my deep love for CCU, I am not entirely sure that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life in this season.  Life tends to throw curveballs when we least expect it.  The adoption door is still in question for me, and I believe motherhood could also be a high calling and a vital role in God's Kingdom, and I have valid doubts about my ability to do both well in my current situation... Anyway, while thinking through all of that very quickly, Dr. Burkhart ended his prayer with:  "We pray that these students would advance Your Kingdom and Your mission and Your purpose in whatever role they find themselves!"  I was holding hands with Faith Smith and Dr. Wood, and I had tears rolling down both sides of my face at that point.  Because YES, Lord - that is the actual point - and I felt so much freedom as I heard him say that.  Honestly, the PhD is within reach for me, but it is just one of MANY ways that I might be able to advance God's Kingdom and mission - there is no pressure from God or no sense that this is the only way I can honor Him with my life - so I'm moving forward with classes and doing my best for now while holding these dreams loosely and keeping my heart open and surrendered to God's leading.  Not my will, but His purpose for me.  Dr. Philip gave each of us first-year students a bag of mustard seeds as a reminder that although we may feel small right now, God can grow our lives into something that nourishes others when we stay rooted in Him.  She gave each of the year 3 students a towel tied in a bow to remind them of Jesus' example of washing feet and serving others even as He led with great authority.  She's phenomenal, and I want to become her real life actual friend. lol

I can't say I have full clarity on what will happen moving forward, but I do have renewed peace and faith. ❤

If God chooses not to open the door for motherhood, then I will probably be back on the CCU campus in 2027, ready to complete my dissertation and move forward in my career calling.  If I become a Mom by that time, then I'll pray about it and hope to be back at CCU down the road.  I have six years from now to complete the PhD degree, so I'm aware of that ticking timeline, and I'm grateful to know that God has a good plan!  Whether it's two years or five years or somewhere in between there, I pray that God richly blesses Colorado Christian University until we meet again! =)

I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!  May we all advance God's Kingdom, His mission, and His purpose - right where we are today!

❤ ❤ ❤

The One Year Mark

 Just taking a minute to acknowledge this anniversary...
I had gastric sleeve surgery one year ago today!!

Mom and I went to Vegas, and we took it as a God-sign that I was patient #7 on June 7th.  This was my last pre-surgery pic.

This = the hotel hallway that I walked repeatedly that night... to be honest, I never had much pain.  I know that isn't everyone's experience in recovery, but I'm very grateful to God for the laparoscopic procedure and the smoothness of my physical recovery process!

Dr. Matt Apel, my surgeon at Blossom Bariatrics in Vegas
(This pic = the IV vitamins infusion the morning after my surgery!)

And after that, Mom and I stopped by Mon Ami and the Vegas fountains, because I absolutely refuse to go to Vegas without seeing the fountains! lol. I'm aware of the gauze and tape from my surgery in this photo, but overall, it's crazy that I was already feeling good enough to walk through Vegas that next day! ❤

Jace and Kyndal and all the kids their age have taken to saying "six-seven" when they're feeling undecided or meh about something.  But I'm glad 6-7 has a very different meaning for me.  

Thank you again to Chet Lee for sparking this idea for me -- or really, for helping me feel like I had permission to follow through with it without being judged or condemned by the people closest to me!  Our conversation last May opened the door for me to research the surgery, which quickly led to calling Blossom, and around three weeks later, the surgery was done!!  I love that Blossom was able to get me in so quickly -- I might've talked myself out of it otherwise -- God was in all the details (just as He is today), and I'm incredibly grateful as I look back (and look ahead) today!

In some ways, it doesn't feel that long ago, and in other ways, I know God has done so much in my life since that time! ❤  It's been a transformative, beauty-for-ashes kind of year -- body, mind, soul, and spirit!

I'm down around 90 pounds from my pre-surgery weight... I kinda like that I'm unable to weigh in this morning because I'm busy starting this PhD program! 
(These pics were the day before starting the pre-op diet.)

I will continue to lose a bit of weight and do my best to make healthier choices.  I am a work in progress there, but seeing real physical progress has given me renewed hope and motivation as life moves forward!  For today, though, I want to celebrate the progress I've made - finishing the Masters degree, finishing a Full Marathon, starting the PhD program, growing in my identity, restarting the embryo adoption process, a year of therapy work with Emily, and being back in the 100s is just the icing on the cake!

Strong and healthy mind.

Strong and healthy body.

Strong and healthy soul.

Strong and healthy spirit!
One year down, the rest of my life to go...

Whatever I have done is by the grace of God, and I want to continue to live through His grace and for His glory!! ❤

Okay, back to studious grad student work now! =)

I love you and believe in you, and I believe God will meet you wherever you are today, and I believe in your ability to work with Him and create a better life!

❤ ❤ ❤

Doctoral Residency, Part 1

 Hey, friends and fam!  Just finished a lovely campus walk, and I'm writing from Lakewood, Colorado tonight!  

This = yesterday morning after our first session, me with Dr. Ryan Burkhart and Dr. Selin Philip, my two favorite professors at CCU -- I could and would so happily listen to them talk all day!

I enjoyed the 10-hour drive on my own, just listening to music and audiobooks and chatting with Mom and Chet Lee!

Despite a poor night's sleep and the weather being a bit dreary and rainy this time, I'm especially grateful for the presence of God, the support and wisdom of the CCU faculty, and the growing sense of community and belonging!

Me and Alicia headed to grab some coffee (for her) before our last first day of school!!  Love her - she did her Masters at Dallas Theological Seminary, and she's super fun, and we've had some great talks here!

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My team won the Haiku challenge, a silly team-building project, but still fun to be in the winning group! =)

PhD pen - YAY! lol

The girls after our dinner at Farmhouse Thai Eatery last night... Alicia, Terri, Laura, me, Charisse, Heather, and Michelle!  Terri lives close to campus, but the rest of us are roommates! =)

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All our classes so far have been in the new chapel building, the Armstrong Center! ❤

The above pic and the below cutest-bunny-buttons pics are from my campus walk tonight.  The CCU bunnies are friendly and unafraid, and I love seeing them! =)

My annual selfie by the CCU lake and fountain! =)

The Rock Woodfired Pizza for dinner with most of the doctoral cohort earlier tonight - delicious food, and fun getting to know everyone better!!

Over 80 people applied, 18 were admitted, and 17 are in our current group!  This = Me, Laura, Heather, Billy, Jasmine, Alicia, Charisse, Kacie, Terri, and Elyse!

Dr. Philip teaching on Biblical Foundations was everything I could have hoped for - she has a commanding presence and speaks with gentle authority - she has so much wisdom, and you can just tell that she knows Jesus well!

Anyway, I'm headed to bed because I'm getting up for an early breakfast meeting tomorrow!  The first two days here have been great, and I expect nothing less from the next two!  I've had some good time to process and pray and think about the life and identity God is calling me into.  I'll try to write a more detailed recap on Monday!  

Best of luck to Chet Lee and Mark Anthony in the Tulsa Tough bike race tomorrow morning... and Happy belated 1st Birthday to Miss Holly Marie yesterday!

❤ ❤ ❤

"The Lord Will Make Your Paths Straight"

I had a brief conversation with Mr. Smith in the CHA gym lobby after Abby's graduation...  he asked when I was moving back to Tulsa.  Several people saw that announcement video but totally missed the follow-up. lol  I told him that was still my hope at some point, but I wasn't really sure when it would happen.  Without knowing any of the factors playing into my decision, he thought about it for a minute and said (with what I knew to be sincere care): "Well, the Lord will make your paths straight."

I loved that.
It caught me off guard in a good way.

This = Ken and Cheryl, Megan Elizabeth's wonderful parents.
He was also a CHA teacher, so I still call him Mr. Smith.

I Googled that verse, not realizing it was Proverbs 3:5-6.  I've thought about it a lot since.  The translation I'm much more familiar with says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."  That was the Bible App verse of the day on Wednesday, and the header verse posted on CCU's page when I signed into my new classes for the first time this week... not an accident or coincidence.  

True to Enneagram 9 form, I have been questioning things and looking at it from all sides, wrestling with whether to move forward in pursuing the doctorate vs. whether the cost is too high (financial, emotional, relational, etc.).  And true to His own faithfulness, God has been giving me little nudges of confirmation and clarity.  In my counseling session on Thursday, Emily asked what I felt when I thought about going forward with the program, and I immediately said, "pressure."  I feel confident that God heard that and sent this verse as a timely reminder for me yesterday.

Dr. Philip is the head of CCU's doctoral program and one of the most solid, Godly women I have encountered.  We each write a "Get to Know You" post before residency, and this was part of hers...

Hi new CES students,

I’m Dr. Philip, and I am so grateful to be with you at the beginning of something both beautiful and significant.  [She shared part of her story and family life here]...

Regardless of the roles the Lord calls me to, I’m simply a woman learning to say 'yes' to whatever He places before me, even when it looks nothing like what I ever imagined... I care deeply about spiritual transformation - not the polished kind, but the kind that happens when Jesus meets us in our weakness and says, “I am not done with you yet" and we surrender to His will.

I want to keep walking in the direction of purpose, and for me, that purpose is Jesus Himself. He is not just the one who gives us the reward. He is the reward. I delight in Him.  I want to help raise up counselors who do not just know the textbook, but who know the Healer. I want to help form leaders in the counseling field who do not just profess knowledge, but live it. And I want to be faithful where my feet are, trusting that God wastes nothing, not our pain, not our passion, not our past.

I am so excited to hear your stories and to walk alongside you in this first step of your doctoral journey. I pray you feel a sense of belonging here. God is up to something good.

With joy,

Dr. Philip

So good!  I loved what she said about this being the beginning of something beautiful and significant, and learning to say yes to whatever God places before her even when life doesn't look like she'd imagined.  Love the part about knowing the Healer, not just the textbook, and the timely reminder that Jesus is our reward, and God wastes nothing (that's been another concern for me recently - that if I don't finish the program, it would've been wasted effort - not true).  Finally, her parting words reminded me that I do feel a sense of belonging at CCU, and I do believe God is up to something good, soooo YAY!

Whew... the last five months have been tiring and hard on my sense of calling and identity as a counselor.  Satan meant for them to be.  I wrote an email asking about deferring the program yesterday morning, then I've prayed and read a lot and had some important conversations since then.  I am grateful to Emily and to Chet Lee for asking good questions and reminding me of important truths and helping me sift through my current grief and overwhelm to process this big decision, and I'm grateful to Mr. Smith for the reminder that the Lord will make my paths straight and show me which path to take.  For now, that looks like giving my best effort here - not reluctantly or in response to pressure, but cheerfully and with sincere gratitude for God opening this door, surrendering and saying yes to what He has placed before me, even when it looks nothing like the life I once imagined.  Looking forward to my sixth trip to Colorado next week to start this program - get excited!

Whatever decisions you may be facing today,

trust in God and seek His will,

and He will show you which path to take!

❤ ❤ ❤

Patterns vs. Possibilities

One more quick post, then I'm really done for tonight. lol

Who I Believe I Am vs. Who I Know I Can Be

My Patterns vs. My Possibilities

Of all the random memes I’ve scrolled past on Facebook, this one stopped me.  It rings deeply true, and I had to sit with it for a minute.

On one hand, I know who I can be—the woman I believe God is calling me to become...
A woman others see, love, and learn from.
A woman of fierce integrity, willing to take big steps of faith, bold risks for God's calling.
An excellent mother who leads with confidence.
A loving wife who is deeply loved and desired.
A wise counselor who speaks with Godly wisdom.
A teacher who truly cares and makes an impact.
A courageous author who writes with vulnerability and authority.
A whole, healed, wholehearted version of me. ❤

But on another level, I often believe myself to be someone... smaller.
The woman who quietly fades into the background.
Who cuts corners.
Who is hesitant and overly practical when risks are required.
Still waiting for motherhood and doubtful it will ever come.
Shaped by rejection, questioning whether anyone could find me beautiful or choose me.
The competent, behind-the-scenes court reporter—but not a leading voice.
Too entangled in her own mess to offer clarity to anyone else.
The longtime blogger who isn’t sure her words are book-worthy after all.
Fearful.  Stagnant.  Lacking real power.

*******

I know I can be fit and healthy in a balanced way that inspires others and brings me joy.

But I often believe myself to be stuck in unhealthy cycles (which I'll dig into more during my next session with Emily).

Honestly, this is more of a pep talk for myself than anything else—but hopefully it encourages you, too.  This inner tension explains why I’ve felt so stuck.  I want forward progress, and I need to get very intentional about dedicated time with God and renewing my mind through His Word, realigning my heart identity with God's calling for me.

What we believe about ourselves MATTERS.
We cannot embrace change until our identity shifts.

I’m making slow and steady progress lately—and I pray it continues.

If any of this resonates with you, know you are not alone.  Every day presents a choice:  Our old patterns, or our future possibilities.

Choose your best future.
Keep going!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
~Romans 12:2

❤️ ❤️ ❤️