Photo Friday!

Happy Friday, friends and fam - I hope it's a lovely weekend ahead for you!!

Here's me returning from my delightful lunch-hour jog around the neighborhood on Thursday.  I was in my 7-minute cooldown walk at the end, about half a block away from my house when the smallest raindrops started.  That became a downpour in about five seconds, and I was DRENCHED - clothes and shoes soaked through, makeup had to be redone, and hair had to be re-blow-dried before our Tulsa protest hearing started back (via Zoom) at 1:30.  Ridic. lol  Perhaps I'll go with a Peloton ride next time!

Ted's dinner with the fam + Bill and Jill last week, followed by a Starbucks hangout with Triston! ❤

Mamaw with J&K

Me with T-man and K-Faith (J was getting a pic with Bill & Jill)

Jill brought Jaceman a Wemby card, and this is him trying on their Spurs Championship replica ring (that all the fans were given during the season opener game in 2014).  Jill used to live in San Antonio, so she and Jace had a lot to say about Spurs basketball! =)

❤ So glad Bill is making progress!

Nancy is in better spirits lately, feeling thankful that God protected them!  It's a long road to recovery ahead with some big decisions still looming, so please continue to pray for Sarah and her family!

Wise advice - Enneagram 9s really struggle with this (knowing what we actually want for ourselves outside of how it affects everyone else), so I'm trying to test things this way moving forward.  Well, this and prayer. lol

Happy Birthday-Eve to Chettles, who had some early celebrations today over coffee with Tyler and Debbie, then Burn Co. BBQ lunch with the guys!!

Seeing the four of them together always makes me happy... it also makes me miss Mark Anthony, but I'm thankful the Shoemakers are loving being near their families back in Texas!

Kudos to Carter Lee, who is currently leading the Steer Wrestling competition

Fun Flashback Friday pic of Pastor Craig and Chet Lee, circa 2011! lol

This hit me, you guys... the degree to which I sometimes struggle to tell which one I am in is absurd.  It's the difference in positive and negative stress - are we being productive and working toward something meaningful or just spinning our wheels on a project that is going nowhere?  Running a difficult hill in the race God marked out for us, or heading toward a dead end?  I am tired of dead ends, and I want to be moving in the path of life and building something beautiful with God's help.

On a not-altogether-unrelated note...
Dear Solid Christian Single Men,
You have one year!

By all means, step up your game.

❤ Lindsey Claire ;-)

It's a Saturday and everything -- the actual perfect wedding date, albeit a full 20 years and 10 days later than the 7-7-07 Saturday wedding I once planned! lol

Gracious.  Honestly, I do feel genuinely tired at the moment, and I need a friend to speak life over my heart in all of this right now...

I have built a life that I love,
and I still have things that I want.

❤
God has heard you every time you pray.
It is in His heart to give you the life story
that brings Him the most glory
and brings you a lot of joy
and moves the gospel forward!

God has ENOUGH GOOD THINGS for all of us.  Not one of my friends has married the man I'm supposed to be with.  And no one is birthing a child I was meant to birth.  No matter what, you are not going to miss God's best plan for you if you are pursuing God's best plan for you, and if you say to Him: I want in my life what You have for me!  

 The person you can trust the most to handle your pain the best is God.  I feel so lucky that I can process every moment of every relationship with God.  I'm not alone; He's right there with me.  I have learned very profoundly that Jesus is the primary relationship of my life!   

Your words have the power of life and death.  Speak life over yourself:  I'm available to relationship.  I am working on my mental and emotional and spiritual and physical health, and that is going to make me better in relationship than I would have been yesterday.  I am open to meeting someone new.  I am available for relationship.  I am not married yet, but I hope to be.  I do not have kids yet, but I hope to.  

Using that life-giving language affects the world you live in.

God, You are kind.
God, You are good.
God, You are for me.
God, You are working everything out according to Your will.
God, You care about every detail of my life.  

Friends, God loves you.
And God sees you.
And you are going to be okay.

I promise in the long run, you are going to be okay.  There is not one story in my life in any area where I have not been able to look back on when it was done and say, that was God, and that was His kindness.  Even if I lost a relationship or a person or in tragedy, He still is God, and He is still kind!"

❤ Annie F. Downs
TSF Q&A: Singleness Podcast, 8-18-21

Happy Friday!

❤ ❤ ❤

Halftime Pep Talk!

And now, some goals and plans for the second half of this year!!

I'm Looking Forward To:  Kristin's 40th birthday, America's 250th birthday, Chet's 38th birthday,  my 1st Alaska Cruise at the end of July!, Dad's 73rd birthday, Kyndal Faith’s 13th birthday, writing my book, another raise (hopefully), taking the Biblical Foundations class in October, and most everything about the holiday season ahead!!

POWER PLAN: 

• PLANTS & PROTEIN:  (My overarching goal is to reach my goal weight before my 3-year surgiversary next summer.)  With that in view, my goal is to focus on hitting 150 grams of protein per day and to incorporate fruit and/or vegetables into my daily diet!
• PILATES & PELOTON:  I'm signed up for 90 days of Club Pilates workouts (goal = 5 classes per week); I also plan to do a full-body strength class on the Peloton app 2x a week
• PEN TO PAPER:  (I will, of course, be typing, but I needed to keep the alliteration going. lol)  Goal #3 is to follow the schedule I've created and finish my Strong Over Small book draft by October 1st; then have some trusted friends/mentors review it and help me make edits, then have it ready to self-publish by the end of this year (I will not actually publish until 2027 just because I prefer those date numbers. lol)
• PERSEVERANCE & PEACE:  Start the Bible Recap plan tomorrow and go through their full Bible reading plan by July 1, 2027!
• PACING PUSH:  Sign up for the Route 66 Half, and train to run it under 2 hours and 30 minutes (which will absolutely be challenging for me)
• PUBLIC PRESENTATION:  Join a Toastmasters group by end of August to practice and grow in my speaking/presenting skills!*
• PERSONAL PRACTICE:  Post 12 new talking-to-camera videos by the end of the year (length and topic of my choice)
• PRAYER & PIVOT:  Prayerfully plan my next life/career move, and be prepared to pivot as needed! =)

So there you have it.  I'll be pressing in and pushing myself with food, exercise, reading, writing, and speaking goals as the year moves forward!  And reminding myself that proper planning prevents poor performance! ;-)

*For the record, Shadé Zahrai inspired the public speaking focus in her Unlocking Strengths MasterClass:

"How do you differentiate yourself in a world where everything is becoming the same?  In the past, people who wrote really well would often stand out.  But now, most people are using ChatGPT to write their emails and presentations, so unfortunately, it's a sea of sameness.  When everyone is suddenly very good at something, no one stands out.  So I think one of the most important strengths you can develop is the ability to verbally communicate, because that is something you cannot go to ChatGPT to do for you.  If you can think about how you can get better at speaking, presenting, connecting, that is going to serve you so well...  In a future that is going to be shaped by AI -- in a present that is shaped by AI -- how you make people feel is your most powerful advantage!"  

I know she's not wrong.  And I want to grow in that!!

PEP TALK PORTION:

Don't get complacent now, and don't let the fierce opposition intimidate you.  This matters.  The power that lives in you is greater than anything coming against you, which means you are poised and ready for a comeback victory!!  Remember that you can do hard things!  Choose goals that are aligned with your values and desires, then pursue them.  Don't be afraid to try new things, and do not be afraid to TRY as hard as you possibly can to reach your goals, to grow, to lead, to step up. #maximumeffort  God's JOY is your strength, and He will empower you for what He calls you to do!  Choose life, choose health, and choose growth -- for yourself and for the sake of the people God calls you to impact!!  Strong and healthy mind, strong and healthy body, strong and healthy soul, strong and healthy spirit!  Do not shrink back and hide, and don't you dare make yourself small to please people - the spirit of fear has no place in your life.  You never walk alone, so move with confidence.  God is with you and for you, giving you His power and love and a sound mind.  

You do care.  

And you've got this!

Keep moving forward - let's finish strong!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Messy Seasons; Clear Identity

Ten years ago (on 6-16-16), Mom had a spinal fusion, a major surgery with an intense recovery period.  Pics = Mom on the phone with Jaceman before going back for surgery, my first AFD book (read cover to cover while staying with Mom in that hospital room), waiting room with Babah and Dad, Bill and Debbie Wallace coming by the hospital to wait with us, and Jace enjoying the CFA lunch I dropped off for the Parrish fam at JoBug's pool! ❤

A Flipagram time capsule with some vivid memories from that season:

Look at 2016 me using a John Mayer song - never been a big fan of him as a person, but that song is a pretty good one.  I'm so thankful for the blog record and for slideshows like this that encapsulate the feeling of certain seasons.

Anyway, I was about to write something self-condemning about how "I was a hot mess" in that season.

Caregiving takes a toll, and it was absolutely a stressful time (including a dreadful night where Mom's blood pressure was critically low and her kidneys were not functioning and the doctors were struggling to bring it back up and I was the only family member present at the hospital, then they released her to go home a couple days before they really should have).  Some of it's a blur now, but I know I cried several times, put too much pressure on myself, felt like I wasn't handling anything well, and ended up seeing a counselor for a bit.  Soooo much grace for myself as I look back!

Brene Brown told a short story that resonated with me.  While picking her daughter up from Kindergarten, the teacher told her this story: Earlier that day, the kids were playing with glue and glitter, and the teacher playfully commented, "Ohhh, you are a mess!" to Brene's daughter... then her daughter politely responded, "I might be making a mess right now, but I am not a mess." ❤

I adore that, and I'm adopting it.

I am wonderfully complex (Psalm 139), made in God's image, loved and worth loving, every day of my life fully seen and recorded in God's book (and on this blog). ;-)

I've been through some very messy seasons (haven't we all?).

And I am not a mess.

(Harder still, 2007 Lindsey was not a mess.  She made some bad choices, but Jesus loved her enough to fight for her heart.  She was a work in progress, gradually growing in Christ through hard seasons and big losses.)

I'm reminding myself that our word choices MATTER.  And I'm not going to speak messiness (pain, chaos, confusion, stress, overwhelm) over my life or identity.  And I won't say it about others either, which I've definitely done without intending any harm at times - I want to be someone who is thoughtful, intentional, and caring with my words.

For now, whenever I feel tempted to give a one-word "MESS!" response, I'm going to replace that with "GRACE!" to remind myself to be kind and have extra grace for myself and others.  We're all human, and life is freaking hard sometimes, and we are allowed to feel it all as we move through it into better seasons ahead.  We all have certain weaknesses and come from different starting points, and it's okay not to be okay all the time.  God is with us and for us, and we have the ability to learn and keep moving forward, with all the grace we need one day at a time!!

Here's me taking a quick walk at The Station after voting this afternoon. 

I saved this lovely pic after reading something about Tower Bridge earlier - a London trip is definitely on my Life List, and I plan to make it happen someday! =)

Whatever messy things you may be feeling or facing today, don't give it power over your identity.

YOU are not a mess.  Remember this truth:

We are God's masterpiece,
created in Christ Jesus
for good works God planned for us long ago!
(Ephesians 2:10)

❤ ❤ ❤

On Claustrophobia & Anxious Attachment

Back in 2011, my parents had a catastrophic car wreck.

On a lonely highway in the middle of the Nevada desert, the truck in front of them swerved quickly to avoid hitting a stalled van, then Dad was unable to swerve fast enough to miss it.  Their 80mph wreck hit the passenger side hardest, and Mom was medi-flighted back to the Vegas hospital for several days with internal bleeding, a gash on her forehead, and a knee injury that required multiple debridement procedures.

Rachael and I had flown home, and we were very concerned and anxious to have them back with us... then Mom's hospital stay was extended due to internal bleeding.  I was looking at flights back to Vegas, but she was released to come home the next day.  They made special accommodations for her flight and someone brought her out in a wheelchair.  Rach drove the Mustang to pick her up, as it was a lower car that would be easier for Mom to get into with her bruised-up knee.

It's a 2-door car with a verrrry small backseat, and on our way to the airport, I was obviously up front.  Rach was driving... we moved the passenger seat forward for me to get into the tiny back seat... then they spent a few minutes getting Mom all seated and situated.  

......

Never in my life have I felt as irrationally panicked as I did that entire drive home.  It hit me as they were putting mom in and getting her all settled that she was injured and fragile and could not possibly get out quickly if there was any need to do so, and I was in trapped in the small seat behind her with no car door I could open and no other way to climb out.  My parents had just had a horrific wreck, so that was in my mind.  Rach was also a little nervous and on edge about driving that car as safely as possible, Mom was nervous and still in pain, and I was taking deep breaths, trying to close my eyes and stay quiet, and internally berating myself for not being able to focus more clearly on Mom and what she needed in that moment.  It was claustrophobia like I have never experienced before or since, and it didn't get much better until I was out of the car.

.......

Rach and I had a memorable conversation on that topic last night.

She had a similar experience on a ride at Frontier City.  She initially got on it to help Kyndal feel brave enough to try it, then when she tried to bend down to pick something up, the shoulder-bar caught her and held her very still, and the feeling of being unable to move washed over her with an irrational panic.  So much so that they let her (and Kyndal Faith) off the ride before it started.  She has done rides like that several times before, and it wasn't the crazy loops or anything about the ride itself that caused the fear, but the sensation of being trapped...

And I told her I absolutely knew the feeling she was talking about.  I had only experienced it once, but it was pretty memorable for me, too.  Just a sense of panic and feeling out-of-control that you know is irrational, but you cannot easily calm down.  

This = Nate Bargatze discussing a very similar experience (and just after this, he tells a story about being in the back of a car and making everyone get out). lol

I'm thankful that for myself and Rachael (and Nate), this is a rare and sporadic experience.  But it does give me some context to explain the way I feel sometimes as a person with anxious attachment.  I have become more secure through the years, but the roots of rejection are powerful, and there are times when something minor can set off what part of me knows to be an irrational sense of panic that a relationship is ending, that all is not well, that I need to do damage control.  Then I'll try to calm myself down and step back and give the other person space, but I rarely last more than 48 hours before a real internal spiral hits.

I've seen a lot of both sides on this.... and metaphorically, bringing up any emotions with a dismissive avoidant (someone with an insecure attachment style that rages and pushes hard away from anyone trying to move closer to them or ask for vulnerability) feels like starting up the ride when you're already in full panic mode.  There is just zero ability to think straight for a while.  Whereas talking to someone who is securely attached and caring feels like the bar that was "trapping you" in this irrational panic/anxiety being lifted, and you can breathe normally and see clearly again.  (You still feel a little awkward and embarrassed that you couldn't freaking calm down enough to not need that reassurance, but gracious, it's a thousand times better when you can have one healthy conversation and everything just feels back on track.  That is never the case with the anxious/avoidant pairing - never.)

I'm deeply thankful for personal growth!!  And I am thankful for friends who are secure enough to navigate the occasional bouts of irrational-relational-anxiety that pop up for me in a way that's kind and rational and caring without tangible resentment and irritation, which multiplies the inner panic 100-fold.  When you're in an unhealthy place, that anxiety becomes familiar, and you can mistake the intensity of that dynamic for a really strong connection, but healthy connections don't keep your nervous system constantly on edge and frayed.  I know what to look for now, and I will not put myself through that dynamic in any relationship ever again.  I will seek peace and pursue it, hard conversations included.

So that's my fun educational metaphor for today.  There are good therapeutic tools available, but sometimes (with legit claustrophobia or relational anxiety), we genuinely need prayer and healthy relationships to help calm the fear and restore our God-given power, love, and sound mind.

No one can do everything on their own, and that is okay.

The end.

❤ ❤ ❤

P.S.  Happy Global Running Day!

Timelines and Testimonies

Happy last day of May!!

We had a pizza party at Mom and Dad's to watch Game 7 of the Playoffs last night... a sad loss for the Thunder, but at least the Jaceman was happy!!

Watching the game, Paris (Bill & Jill's dog - Jill used to live in San Antonio), and the Spurs with their trophy!

GIF of Jace high-fiving Wemby at the beginning of Game 5 (the white hand closest to the camera on the left).  It made his day!

Sour Patch Kids' marketing team is the best... the "first they're sour, then they're sweet" commercials are the cutest, and seeing this nonsense brought me instant joy (in spite of it being fake news in my personal life at times). lol

Speaking of cuteness, here's Katie and Kaden after his Kindergarten graduation - little kids in caps and gowns is so adorable to me!!

Nana with Carter and Emberlee as he was competing in the high school rodeo finals this past week!

Cousin pics from 18 years ago this week... 2008 sincerely does not seem that far back to me!!

Also in that Shutterfly stack was this gem when we were grabbing a few things from 9121 for my move to 522 in the summer of 2007... Dad, Grandad, Babah, Rach, and Emily.

And this gem - my last-ever photo with JMM from June of '07 - (I never loved it as he'd just gotten a buzz cut and didn't look like the version of himself I was accustomed to, and I was wearing vertical stripes, which are almost always a mistake without a sweater or overshirt to change up the angle).  It's crazy to think that Triston is now the age Josh was here... and wearing his own Harvard shirt from the Senior trip to Boston!

Mini Miss K and her friends playing cards at Mom and Dad's... she opted not to swim that day because "Well, I just got my hair done, and it looks really good!" lol  She's not wrong.

I hosted, led, and shared my testimony and the condensed version of my life story with my women's LifeGroup on Saturday.  I'm thankful to say it went well, and we had a memorable discussion about Psalm 23 and Psalm 34.  It had a strengthening effect on me to really think through the whole timeline of my story again, to consider new ways I can see God's hand in it, and to specifically speak the gospel part of it out loud this time as I recounted the story of Mom leading me to Christ!!

❤

We're doing "Psalms and Stories" this summer - reading through and discussing Psalms then getting into our personal stories and walks with God.  I wrote mine out before sharing to help myself mentally organize it, and the themes I saw paired well with Christine Caine's email today:  "He's not distant or disinterested.  He's not too busy or too important.  He misses you when you drift.  He's calling you to come back, to come close, to come home.  God's heart is revealed throughout Scripture.  He wants relationship with you."

Hosting also inspired me to fully clean my house for the first time in a minute, so I had to snap some photos of everything looking put together!

The final portion of what I shared yesterday...

My favorite things about Jesus:

• His fiercely protective strength on behalf of His people
• His delight in the details of our lives

Looking back, I see a few themes in my story:  I am very relational, and I've spent a lot of my life looking for belonging in close relationships.  All while God has continually reminded me that my deepest belonging is found in Jesus - I belong to Him and I belong with Him.

I've learned to hold on to Kingdom hope and remember that we rarely understand the full picture while we're living through it.  One of my favorite verses says: “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."  ~I Corinthians 13:12

And finally, God is far more attentive, personal, and involved than I once believed.  I don’t always understand what He is up to even now, but I will know it completely in Heaven (if not before).  And I know with confidence today that He loves me deeply, He cares about every detail of my life, and He deserves the highest place of honor in my heart!

Okay, friends... 5 months down, 7 to go... here's my 1SE video for 2026 so far!

 ❤ ❤ ❤

Audiobook Club

I've made my way through nine audiobooks over the past two months, all of which I really enjoyed!  It was four personal memoirs, three fictional novels, one five-week daily devotional, and one self-help/psychology book.

Quick recaps and thoughts below...

Strangers
(by Belle Burden)

The Big Boo (Patreon Podcast) Book Club pick for May.  Like Lindsay Ferrier, Belle kept good notes throughout her marriage, and she does a great job of articulating her thoughts and emotions surrounding her husband abandoning her and her children, then gaslighting her and playing some petty , emotionally-abusive games in the process of their messy divorce.  She's a solid writer who articulates emotions well, but her mindset reflects some victim thinking and still valuing her ex too highly, so I hope she continues to overcome that and choose strength over smallness or learned helplessness.  *If I decide to push through and get my doctorate, my dissertation will either be on learned helplessness or self-doubt in women, or maybe how they work together, and how we can best overcome them!

Joyful Anyway
(by Kate Bowler)

Very well-written memoir, and the style of book I hope to author soon!  Kate has been through a lot, and she is a deep thinker and a Christian.  (She identifies as an Enneagram 2, but I would have assumed she was a 4.)  This is a collection of stories from her life, including a poignant conversation with a nurse at the hospital that brought me to tears (Kate is a stage 4 cancer survivor, and the nurse was a recent widow and the first person to tell Kate she was sorry for everything she had endured at the hospital - it got deep and real very quickly, and between that account and my memories of Kristen Harriss being stired up recently, it made an impact).  The theme, as you can probably gather from the cover and title, is that although life is really difficult sometimes, we can choose to hold firmly to our God-given joy.  (Having said that, it's the furthest thing from "toxic positivity" or encouraging people to feign happiness while ignoring deeper problems - Kate is not about that nonsense, and neither am I).

Walking With God
(by Beth Moore)

A wonderful devotional book that I listened to a little along over the past few months.  Toward the end, Beth has a chapter on the importance of writing your own story, if only to help you understand and make sense of what God is up to in your life and how He has been with you and for you all along.  It resonated for me and reignited my desire to write (which has felt very muted lately by the knowledge that I won't have a child of my own who might have the desire to learn more about me and read my book someday).  I'm climbing out of the self-pity, though, and realizing that many others might still benefit from what I have to share - myself included.  Beth also shared a chapter where she encourages the reader to interview someone whose walk with God they admire and want to emulate (including some potential questions you might ask them), and I plan to come back to that conversation with several people later!

Theo of Golden
(by Judge Allen Levi)

This book matters more deeply than most fictional stories. Highly recommend!! It is the debut novel by a small-town retired Christian Judge and singer named Allen Levi - fascinating. The story is exceptional, and the audiobook narrator also does a great job! I listened to the last 30 minutes while sitting in my recliner this very morning, then I just sat there and cried for a few minutes - (it's more emotionally/spiritually powerful than it is sad - so good). I bought it on Audible, and I have now ordered a paperback copy signed by the author (because it matters, and I want it on my shelf). It made me think often about Grandad and his tenderheartedness and conversational ability, about the purpose of great art and creativity - even when it goes unappreciated or undervalued, about the value of small acts of kindness, about veterans and homeless people and their untold stories and their desire to be seen and known, about the absurd and senseless damage one angry/violent person can do in a small amount of time, about forgiveness and pausing to really see the faces of the people we tend to dismiss or overlook, about the power of intergenerational friendships to change people... and most importantly, about how to subtly weave the gospel into both my writing and my real life interactions by loving others in a way that connects with and empowers them and inspires curiosity about my faith. Gracious, Judge Levi does an excellent job of weaving in the gospel message in an understated way throughout the book, then more directly toward the end. The one court story he tells was the most powerful chapter for me (chapter 42), and it made so much sense to me to learn that he was a former attorney and small-town Judge. Mostly, he shows the subtle power of living a humble life based on sincere Christian values! ...I hope this one becomes a movie with a solid director who knows what they are doing.

Big Trust
(by Shade Zahrai)

Pivotal for me, and helpful for anyone struggling with self-doubt!  Already wrote more about it HERE. ❤

The Light We Carry
(by Michelle Obama)

Another very well-written memoir!  This was her second book, but I read it first because I appreciated the title and was curious to know more.  It's a collection of stories throughout her life - her close friendships, her Dad's MS, the strong example set by both of her parents, her brother, their childhood, going to Princeton, her marriage, and her experiences with parenting, gardening, racism, personal growth, politics, navigating her public and private roles, going high when others go low, etc.  I would say the first book gives you more day-to-day details on her story, while this follow-up book dives more into how she has grown and all she has learned over the past 50+ years, so it was my favorite of the two!

Becoming
(by Michelle Obama)

Michelle's longer autobiography (a 19-hour audiobook) with more background info on her childhood, dating years, what shaped her values, her college experience, fertility struggles, motherhood, navigating criticism and dehumanization, the political rise of President Obama, her experiences as First Lady, etc.  I always appreciate when people narrate their own books!  (We don't see eye to eye on everything politically or spiritually, but she is a strong woman who commands respect, and this was a well written, vulnerable, and compelling memoir that was good for me to read!)

The Correspondent
(by Virginia Evans)

Also loved this novel from the perspective of a retired older woman who writes letters to various acquaintances, friends, and family members.  The entire book is composed of letters with chronological dates, and you gradually learn the story and the way the characters connect as you move through them.  It's a clever idea that is executed well here, and yet another book that shows the power of intergenerational friendships and small acts of courage and kindness!

Sunrise on the Reaping
(by Suzanne Collins)

The Hunger Games prequel with the story of Haymitch Abernathy competing in the 50th Hunger Games.   Interesting to get an inside look at this character, although parts of this book felt more brutal than the others, which doesn't fully track with the other stories happening years later.  It does give you a clear picture of how he became jaded and where he gets the trauma-based humor and protective strength.  We saw a preview for this movie recently -- (admittedly, all of the Hunger Games movies are set in a bizarre dystopian world) -- and it prompted Mom to say, "WHO would actually wanna go see that!?" lol  I laughed and raised my hand and said, "Meeee!  I'm almost done with the book, and it's been great!" =)

Listening to Joyful Anyway on one of my recent walks.

❤ ❤ ❤

The Storm of Self-Doubt

This book was a timely revelation and practically-helpful tool for me on the topic of self-doubt.  I listened to most of it during my drive home from seeing Annie and Eddie in Texas.  I had talked with Chet earlier that afternoon about how adrift I was feeling without the clear end goal of adoption.  He talked from his perspective about seeing all the doors God had opened for me with CCU, and it was a good (slightly jarring) reminder that it hasn't ALL been roadblocks and hurdles on the counseling journey...

It paired really well with the content of this book, and God used all of the above to inspire hope in me that this may not be the dead end I've been imagining.  Having some time to really think about my story and how much has shifted over the past two years was also helpful.  And in my own defense, there has been A LOT of change and loss to process, and I can see how I got here.  Somewhere between the weight loss surgery and recovery, the extra attention and inner/outer pressure to maintain a certain physical appearance whilst navigating hair loss and hormonal changes that would be difficult for any woman, the intense season of marathon training, trying and struggling to view myself as a "finisher" - someone who commits and finishes what she starts, the end of the master's program, the unexpected difficulty of finding a good counseling job, the hard situations and imposter syndrome in some of those early roles, the desire to bow out and disappear, getting into the PhD program, the high expectation and pressure to perform well while not feeling sure I really want to move forward there, facing the physical realities of aging and fibroids and repeated roadblocks head-on, letting go of my long-held adoption dream, quietly grieving that massive loss with precious little acknowledgement while trying to hold onto other dreams that were kind of rooted in that one, realizing how many of my dreams were tied to the idea of being a mom, pursuing the hope of dating whilst zero men are pursuing me, consistently trying to push back against the sense of feeling rejected/unworthy while also being uninspired by the pool of mediocre/passive men, navigating multiple dating apps and driving to another state for a date and staying open to friend set-ups while knowing there will always be others who believe I'm just not trying hard enough, getting raises and cushier job offers in court reporting while everyone keeps asking how my new counseling career is going, ambiguous grief and feeling unheard in certain family situations, and navigating a major friendship conflict and sharply critical/painful conversations there... it has all spiraled me into fairly crippling inner storm of shame and self-doubt, with an amped-up desire to numb out from the gnawing sense that nothing I do is ever quite enough.

Woof.  This book really opened my eyes to all of that, and now I believe God will help me rebuild my sense of identity and God-given power and authority!  I've always loved the verses that talk about Jesus teaching "with real authority, quite unlike their teachers of religious law."  I love and have always been drawn to people who speak with authority, who believe in themselves, lead well, and exude a genuine security and confidence that puts others at ease.  God is opening a few new doors, and I have some ideas brewing on what I want to pursue.  Whatever else I do with the remainder of my life, I know I want to pursue and live from that inner trust and confidence that is rooted in Christ!!

Big Trust Quotes:

• "You're not questioning just your skills or knowledge, but yourself.  Your value, your place, your right to take up space.  You doubt your very sense of who you are, and that's why self-doubt sticks.  Because we mistake it for who we are rather than something we've learned or internalized.
• Your brain's response to feeling not enough is often to overcompensate.  You tell yourself that the next achievement, promotion, or milestone will be the one, the moment you finally feel like you belong.  But the finish line keeps moving.  You take on more, chase perfection, and tie your worth to your output.  No matter how much you achieve, you still end the day thinking: Was it enough?
• The more visible you become, the more pressure you imagine is on you.  More eyes, more expectations, more chances to disappoint.  So you procrastinate, you hesitate, and you convince yourself you're fine where you are.  But you're not; you're just scared...  Safety feels better than growth, but staying small isn't safe.  It's self-sabotage.
• These patterns (overworking, people-pleasing, shrinking, or finding comfort in others' failures) all stem from the same belief: I'm not enough.  Every behavior is an attempt to avoid that discomfort, but until you face it head-on and call it out for the lie it is, you'll stay stuck.
• There will always be others who seem better equipped, more qualified, sharper, shinier, something.  The real difference between people who do the hard things and the ones who don't isn't talent, and it isn't usually skill.  It's BELIEF.  It's the ability to come back to an unshakable trust in your own unique individual strengths even when self-doubt is doing its best to derail you.
• Most of us are far more competent, stronger, wiser, and more capable than we give ourselves credit for. You don't need to pretend you know it all.  Trust the part of you that's always been willing to learn and brave enough to ask.  When you trust your skills and your ability to figure things out, challenges don't feel insurmountable.  When you connect to your inner authority, self-doubt quiets and self-trust begins to take its place.
• Self-trust grows faster in good company.  Surround yourself with people who believe in you, even when you don't.  These are the folks who hold you accountable, cheer you on, and remind you of who you are when doubt gets loud... one supportive person can make a world of difference! #truestory
• Don't just do this for you.  Be the leader who uplifts others, the parent who inspires, the friend who brings light, the human who makes the world better just by being more of who they are.  That's what big trust unlocks - not just inner trust, but outer impact!
• No matter where you are in life, YOUR FUTURE IS STILL YOURS TO SHAPE!  ...Self-trust isn't built in one grand moment.  It's built in every small moment where you decide:  I'm not shrinking.  I'm not hiding.  I'm not doubting - not this time.  Now, go re-write your story!"

God is with me.

God is for me.

He renews my strength 

and guides my steps,
and He will complete the good things

HE has started.

❤ ❤ ❤