Christ-Regulated Attachment

 Three years ago, I read a fantastic book on Attachment theory (recap HERE).

For various reasons (some that I understand well and some that are likely subconscious), I developed an Anxious Attachment style... I can see it clearly in several relationships and past interactions, and I've worked hard over the past few years to become more Securely attached.  What helps me in that more than anything is being in healthy relationships with people who create a sense of safety and security.  Friends or family members who understand my story pretty well and intentionally reach out to reassure me if things feel off because I'm wrestling with insecurity/relational anxiety.  What triggers nearly-intolerable anxiety levels in me is relationships with people who are more avoidant/detached, who deliberately distance themselves when any relationship begins to feel too close, who lash out with vitriol and anger when I seek clarification or reassurance.  Knowing that about myself has been immensely helpful in choosing and prioritizing safe relationships.

In this week's session of Beth's summer Bible study, she talked about how our spiritual enemy tends to derail our relationships through detachment or entanglement.  And how the cure for that is to press into "Christ-regulated attachment," finding security and emotional stability in Jesus as we learn to have healthier relationships with others.

I loved that illustration!  It simplifies it all and aligns perfectly with Attachment Theory psychology - therapy and theology always align well at their core.  The closer we are to Jesus, the more likely we are to live from a place of secure attachment, knowing and trusting that we are loved and worthy of love.  And yes, the enemy will try to get us to pendulum swing from one extreme to the other, from feeling entangled in unhealthy dynamics - insecure and anxious and needy with low confidence... to detaching from people and being avoidant and overconfident in our ability to do life alone.

On the Detachment <--------> Entanglement spectrum, I typically lean toward Entanglement (over-striving to keep harmony; feeling emotionally wrung out and stressed over any disconnection or relational conflict).  That means I often naturally click with people who fall on the opposite side of that spectrum, and the clash of unmet needs was intense and catastrophic at times.  However, over time, I've moved closer and closer to the central mark of security in Christ, stepping away from entanglement toward deeper stability and loving others well... and part of that is due to having friends who are on the same page, stepping away from hyper-independence/detachment and into intentional love and care.

Every bit of progress we make matters.

And stepping closer to Jesus is key.

“So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if you're with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.”  ~Attached

The more mature and secure we become, the more we can help our friends/family members avoid the extreme ends of this spectrum.  It's a hopeful thought!  "Christ-regulated attachment" is really the perfect way to describe what every Christian should be seeking.  None of us will do things perfectly in any relationship, and we don't need to make other flawed people our standard.  Jesus is with us and for us to help regulate our messy emotions and attachment styles, case by case.  He knows the unique needs of each person and loves everyone perfectly, and growing closer to Him will naturally serve to make us more secure people with more genuine and balanced love for others!!

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Doctoral Residency, Part 2!

Writing from a hotel room in Goodland, Kansas tonight!  Grateful for a comfy bed - the dorm mattresses are rough - 3.5 hours down, 6.5 to go tomorrow!

This = Friday breakfast with Ashley and Robyn, one of my favorite parts of this CES Residency!  They were the role play students that I "mentored" or supervised last year.  We had some great talks then and I gave them a list of tips and professor recommendations as they were beginning the Master's program.  So glad I texted them on Thursday ~ they were both back in CO as roommates at MAC Res 2, and we decided to meet up at 7am for breakfast... an hour and a half wasn't really enough time, but it was great to hear about their first year in the program, the internship sites they've found for this coming August, and their interest in the PhD program - which we discussed quite a bit, as well!  They both said thanks for the tips I gave them last year - they've had fantastic professors and are absolutely loving the program so far, so we were all just CCU fangirls talking it up! lol  Anyway, it was great to see them and catch up, and it really encouraged me to hear how something that took a small effort on my part made a big difference in their lives. ❤

Last July at their Res 1 and my Res 3 (they pair people up for role play exercises, then you work together the whole week coaching/supporting them as they practice counseling each other).

On that note, Christian counselors make awesome friends - the listening skills, the sincere empathy, and the strong tendency to dive right on into the deeper topics is such a breath of fresh air every time I'm surrounded by CCU Counseling Students!

Me and Heather Martinez, my roommate this year (there are three rooms that connect to the same living room common area - it was me and Heather, Alicia and Charisse, and Michelle and Laura)!  Heather is a wife and a mom of one boy and two girls, and she's already working as an LPC-Supervisor with a thriving counseling practice!

Finally getting to know Faith Smith, a peer from my CCU Master's cohort (but we had no classes together that whole time).  She and I helped co-lead Dr. Brashear's group of Masters Res 2 students yesterday, and it was awesome to hear their stories and stresses and answer their questions and encourage them and share a bit about our Practicum and Internship experiences!!  I loved being in that role and connecting with/encouraging people who are just a few steps behind me, and that reminder was a gift as I've been considering whether I would really enjoy a teaching/supervising role!

Alicia, Elyse, and Ellie taking a stretch break! lol

Everyone else got a drink with dinner last night, so I got a fun cheers-ing pic!

After our Saturday dinner at Lady Nomada (where we ran into Dr. Robinson from CCU)!

Me and Alicia and Terri went to see Thunderbolts after dinner... then had a great talk about how the movie illustrates shame/depression and the way we need community!

I love this campus.  That's all.

Worship session Sunday morning!

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The majority of today was "Super Statistical Sunday," where Dr. Wood talked with us for a long time about Quantitative Research and the SPSS software that will help with our calculations.  It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, and I'm quite thankful we're not having to memorize formulas or do any math by hand.  I can input data into a spreadsheet with the best of them. lol

After a long day of mostly stats work, it was soooo refreshing to end with a 40-minute lecture from Dr. Burkhart, followed by the group photo I'd been wanting all day, then the commissioning ceremony and closing prayer!

I so respect and value the Godly leaders at this school!  Also, I sent this pic to Chet because this slide made me think of him - he's good at most if not all of these "leadership paradoxes."

The new Considine Chapel... in a last-minute decision, Dr. Burkhart let us come in there for the group photo, then we stayed there for the final session, and it felt sacred in a way I can't really explain well in words.

Above = the 17 students in my cohort, along with Dr. Sara Wood, Dr. Gregg Elliott, and Dr. Selin Philip!

I'm so grateful for the words spoken to us and over us today!

Dr. Philip (in her humble but powerful way):  "Trust the process, and trust the God behind the process... Welcome to this holy, sacred work of leadership!"  

Dr. Elliott:  "You are where you are supposed to be - do not let go of it easily!  You made this decision with fortitude and faith and determination... and the only way you won't make it through at this point is if you choose not to make it!" ❤

The Res 2 doctoral students (CCU's first cohort) gathered around us along with the faculty and prayed over us... then we did the same surrounding them, and Dr. Burkhart prayed for all of us.  He started off with "Lord, I'm most grateful for when You showed up in moments of transition and seasons of change, when I needed guidance and had to make decisions that were scary or hard..."

I really felt that.  In spite of my deep love for CCU, I am not entirely sure that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life in this season.  Life tends to throw curveballs when we least expect it.  The adoption door is still in question for me, and I believe motherhood could also be a high calling and a vital role in God's Kingdom, and I have valid doubts about my ability to do both well in my current situation... Anyway, while thinking through all of that very quickly, Dr. Burkhart ended his prayer with:  "We pray that these students would advance Your Kingdom and Your mission and Your purpose in whatever role they find themselves!"  I was holding hands with Faith Smith and Dr. Wood, and I had tears rolling down both sides of my face at that point.  Because YES, Lord - that is the actual point - and I felt so much freedom as I heard him say that.  Honestly, the PhD is within reach for me, but it is just one of MANY ways that I might be able to advance God's Kingdom and mission - there is no pressure from God or no sense that this is the only way I can honor Him with my life - so I'm moving forward with classes and doing my best for now while holding these dreams loosely and keeping my heart open and surrendered to God's leading.  Not my will, but His purpose for me.  Dr. Philip gave each of us first-year students a bag of mustard seeds as a reminder that although we may feel small right now, God can grow our lives into something that nourishes others when we stay rooted in Him.  She gave each of the year 3 students a towel tied in a bow to remind them of Jesus' example of washing feet and serving others even as He led with great authority.  She's phenomenal, and I want to become her real life actual friend. lol

I can't say I have full clarity on what will happen moving forward, but I do have renewed peace and faith. ❤

If God chooses not to open the door for motherhood, then I will probably be back on the CCU campus in 2027, ready to complete my dissertation and move forward in my career calling.  If I become a Mom by that time, then I'll pray about it and hope to be back at CCU down the road.  I have six years from now to complete the PhD degree, so I'm aware of that ticking timeline, and I'm grateful to know that God has a good plan!  Whether it's two years or five years or somewhere in between there, I pray that God richly blesses Colorado Christian University until we meet again! =)

I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!  May we all advance God's Kingdom, His mission, and His purpose - right where we are today!

❤ ❤ ❤

The One Year Mark

 Just taking a minute to acknowledge this anniversary...
I had gastric sleeve surgery one year ago today!!

Mom and I went to Vegas, and we took it as a God-sign that I was patient #7 on June 7th.  This was my last pre-surgery pic.

This = the hotel hallway that I walked repeatedly that night... to be honest, I never had much pain.  I know that isn't everyone's experience in recovery, but I'm very grateful to God for the laparoscopic procedure and the smoothness of my physical recovery process!

Dr. Matt Apel, my surgeon at Blossom Bariatrics in Vegas
(This pic = the IV vitamins infusion the morning after my surgery!)

And after that, Mom and I stopped by Mon Ami and the Vegas fountains, because I absolutely refuse to go to Vegas without seeing the fountains! lol. I'm aware of the gauze and tape from my surgery in this photo, but overall, it's crazy that I was already feeling good enough to walk through Vegas that next day! ❤

Jace and Kyndal and all the kids their age have taken to saying "six-seven" when they're feeling undecided or meh about something.  But I'm glad 6-7 has a very different meaning for me.  

Thank you again to Chet Lee for sparking this idea for me -- or really, for helping me feel like I had permission to follow through with it without being judged or condemned by the people closest to me!  Our conversation last May opened the door for me to research the surgery, which quickly led to calling Blossom, and around three weeks later, the surgery was done!!  I love that Blossom was able to get me in so quickly -- I might've talked myself out of it otherwise -- God was in all the details (just as He is today), and I'm incredibly grateful as I look back (and look ahead) today!

In some ways, it doesn't feel that long ago, and in other ways, I know God has done so much in my life since that time! ❤  It's been a transformative, beauty-for-ashes kind of year -- body, mind, soul, and spirit!

I'm down around 90 pounds from my pre-surgery weight... I kinda like that I'm unable to weigh in this morning because I'm busy starting this PhD program! 
(These pics were the day before starting the pre-op diet.)

I will continue to lose a bit of weight and do my best to make healthier choices.  I am a work in progress there, but seeing real physical progress has given me renewed hope and motivation as life moves forward!  For today, though, I want to celebrate the progress I've made - finishing the Masters degree, finishing a Full Marathon, starting the PhD program, growing in my identity, restarting the embryo adoption process, a year of therapy work with Emily, and being back in the 100s is just the icing on the cake!

Strong and healthy mind.

Strong and healthy body.

Strong and healthy soul.

Strong and healthy spirit!
One year down, the rest of my life to go...

Whatever I have done is by the grace of God, and I want to continue to live through His grace and for His glory!! ❤

Okay, back to studious grad student work now! =)

I love you and believe in you, and I believe God will meet you wherever you are today, and I believe in your ability to work with Him and create a better life!

❤ ❤ ❤

Doctoral Residency, Part 1

 Hey, friends and fam!  Just finished a lovely campus walk, and I'm writing from Lakewood, Colorado tonight!  

This = yesterday morning after our first session, me with Dr. Ryan Burkhart and Dr. Selin Philip, my two favorite professors at CCU -- I could and would so happily listen to them talk all day!

I enjoyed the 10-hour drive on my own, just listening to music and audiobooks and chatting with Mom and Chet Lee!

Despite a poor night's sleep and the weather being a bit dreary and rainy this time, I'm especially grateful for the presence of God, the support and wisdom of the CCU faculty, and the growing sense of community and belonging!

Me and Alicia (love her - she did her Masters at Dallas Theological Seminary and she's super fun and we've had some great talks here) headed to grab some coffee (for her) before our last first day of school!! 

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My team won the Haiku challenge, a silly team-building project, but still fun to be in the winning group! =)

PhD pen - YAY! lol

The girls after our dinner at Farmhouse Thai Eatery last night... Alicia, Terri, Laura, me, Charisse, Heather, and Michelle!  Terri lives close to campus, but the rest of us are roommates! =)

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All our classes have been in the new chapel building, the Armstrong Center! ❤

The above pic and the below cutest-bunny-buttons pics are from my campus walk tonight.  The CCU bunnies are friendly and unafraid, and I love it! =)

My annual selfie by the CCU lake and fountain! =)

The Rock Woodfired Pizza for dinner with most of the doctoral cohort tonight!

Over 80 people applied, 18 were admitted, and 17 are in our current group!  This = Me, Laura, Heather, Billy, Jasmine, Alicia, Charisse, Kacie, Terri, and Elyse!

Dr. Philip teaching on Biblical Foundations was everything I could hope for - she has so much wisdom, and you can just tell she knows Jesus well!

Anyway, I'm headed to bed because I'm getting up for an early breakfast meeting tomorrow!  The first two days here have been great, and I expect nothing less from the next two!  I've had some good time to process and pray and think about the life and identity God is calling me into.  I'll write a more detailed recap on Monday!  Best of luck to Chet Lee and Mark Anthony in the Tulsa Tough bike race tomorrow morning... and Happy belated 1st Birthday to Miss Holly Marie yesterday!

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"The Lord Will Make Your Paths Straight"

I had a brief conversation with Mr. Smith in the CHA gym lobby after Abby's graduation...  he asked when I was moving back to Tulsa.  Several people saw that announcement video but totally missed the follow-up. lol  I told him that was still my hope at some point, but I wasn't really sure when it would happen.  Without knowing any of the factors playing into my decision, he thought about it for a minute and said (with what I knew to be sincere care): "Well, the Lord will make your paths straight."

I loved that.
It caught me off guard in a good way.

This = Ken and Cheryl, Megan Elizabeth's wonderful parents.
He was also a CHA teacher, so I still call him Mr. Smith.

I Googled that verse, not realizing it was Proverbs 3:5-6.  I've thought about it a lot since.  The translation I'm much more familiar with says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."  That was the Bible App verse of the day on Wednesday, and the header verse posted on CCU's page when I signed into my new classes for the first time this week... not an accident or coincidence.  

True to Enneagram 9 form, I have been questioning things and looking at it from all sides, wrestling with whether to move forward in pursuing the doctorate vs. whether the cost is too high (financial, emotional, relational, etc.).  And true to His own faithfulness, God has been giving me little nudges of confirmation and clarity.  In my counseling session on Thursday, Emily asked what I felt when I thought about going forward with the program, and I immediately said, "pressure."  I feel confident that God heard that and sent this verse as a timely reminder for me yesterday.

Dr. Philip is the head of CCU's doctoral program and one of the most solid, Godly women I have encountered.  We each write a "Get to Know You" post before residency, and this was part of hers...

Hi new CES students,

I’m Dr. Philip, and I am so grateful to be with you at the beginning of something both beautiful and significant.  [She shared part of her story and family life here]...

Regardless of the roles the Lord calls me to, I’m simply a woman learning to say 'yes' to whatever He places before me, even when it looks nothing like what I ever imagined... I care deeply about spiritual transformation - not the polished kind, but the kind that happens when Jesus meets us in our weakness and says, “I am not done with you yet" and we surrender to His will.

I want to keep walking in the direction of purpose, and for me, that purpose is Jesus Himself. He is not just the one who gives us the reward. He is the reward. I delight in Him.  I want to help raise up counselors who do not just know the textbook, but who know the Healer. I want to help form leaders in the counseling field who do not just profess knowledge, but live it. And I want to be faithful where my feet are, trusting that God wastes nothing, not our pain, not our passion, not our past.

I am so excited to hear your stories and to walk alongside you in this first step of your doctoral journey. I pray you feel a sense of belonging here. God is up to something good.

With joy,

Dr. Philip

So good!  I loved what she said about this being the beginning of something beautiful and significant, and learning to say yes to whatever God places before her even when life doesn't look like she'd imagined.  Love the part about knowing the Healer, not just the textbook, and the timely reminder that Jesus is our reward, and God wastes nothing (that's been another concern for me recently - that if I don't finish the program, it would've been wasted effort - not true).  Finally, her parting words reminded me that I do feel a sense of belonging at CCU, and I do believe God is up to something good, soooo YAY!

Whew... the last five months have been tiring and hard on my sense of calling and identity as a counselor.  Satan meant for them to be.  I wrote an email asking about deferring the program yesterday morning, then I've prayed and read a lot and had some important conversations since then.  I am grateful to Emily and to Chet Lee for asking good questions and reminding me of important truths and helping me sift through my current grief and overwhelm to process this big decision, and I'm grateful to Mr. Smith for the reminder that the Lord will make my paths straight and show me which path to take.  For now, that looks like giving my best effort here - not reluctantly or in response to pressure, but cheerfully and with sincere gratitude for God opening this door, surrendering and saying yes to what He has placed before me, even when it looks nothing like the life I once imagined.  Looking forward to my sixth trip to Colorado next week to start this program - get excited!

Whatever decisions you may be facing today,

trust in God and seek His will,

and He will show you which path to take!

❤ ❤ ❤

Patterns vs. Possibilities

One more quick post, then I'm really done for tonight. lol

Who I Believe I Am vs. Who I Know I Can Be

My Patterns vs. My Possibilities

Of all the random memes I’ve scrolled past on Facebook, this one stopped me.  It rings deeply true, and I had to sit with it for a minute.

On one hand, I know who I can be—the woman I believe God is calling me to become...
A woman others see, love, and learn from.
A woman of fierce integrity, willing to take big steps of faith, bold risks for God's calling.
An excellent mother who leads with confidence.
A loving wife who is deeply loved and desired.
A wise counselor who speaks with Godly wisdom.
A teacher who truly cares and makes an impact.
A courageous author who writes with vulnerability and authority.
A whole, healed, wholehearted version of me. ❤

But on another level, I often believe myself to be someone... smaller.
The woman who quietly fades into the background.
Who cuts corners.
Who is hesitant and overly practical when risks are required.
Still waiting for motherhood and doubtful it will ever come.
Shaped by rejection, questioning whether anyone could find me beautiful or choose me.
The competent, behind-the-scenes court reporter—but not a leading voice.
Too entangled in her own mess to offer clarity to anyone else.
The longtime blogger who isn’t sure her words are book-worthy after all.
Fearful.  Stagnant.  Lacking real power.

*******

I know I can be fit and healthy in a balanced way that inspires others and brings me joy.

But I often believe myself to be stuck in unhealthy cycles (which I'll dig into more during my next session with Emily).

Honestly, this is more of a pep talk for myself than anything else—but hopefully it encourages you, too.  This inner tension explains why I’ve felt so stuck.  I want forward progress, and I need to get very intentional about dedicated time with God and renewing my mind through His Word, realigning my heart identity with God's calling for me.

What we believe about ourselves MATTERS.
We cannot embrace change until our identity shifts.

I’m making slow and steady progress lately—and I pray it continues.

If any of this resonates with you, know you are not alone.  Every day presents a choice:  Our old patterns, or our future possibilities.

Choose your best future.
Keep going!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
~Romans 12:2

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Marathon Monday #20!!!

It's DONE - praise the Lord!!

And now, brace yourself for the full play-by-play of my one and only Marathon day. =)

Woke up at 4am and did my dynamic stretches, listened to The Goodness of God and prayed, then had a protein bar for breakfast.  Put on my race gear and full makeup, bunned and spraaayed my hair, and was at Mom and Dad's by 5am... they dropped me off at a perfect spot by the outdoor memorial around 5:25 - already a massive crowd and slowing traffic downtown.  I was out there in time for the 5:30 "Sunrise Service" by the Survivor Tree... the pastor spoke on Hebrews 12:1, and we all said in unison, "Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  He prayed over the race and everyone sang a few worship songs together, and I loved being there for all of that!

I stopped at a PortaPotty (eww, David) then started walking toward the Start Line, then changed course to come back and get a pic in front of this building - glad I did! 

They blocked off Corrals A and B for the faster runners, and they policed that pretty intensely.  I assertively made my way to the very front of Corral C, so I was proud of that!  I was lined up next to an OU Meteorology student who assured all of us that the weather looked really good for our race day - no rain, overcast, cloudy, and cooler temps for this time of year.  Yay, God!

We sang the National Anthem and did the 168 seconds of silence in honor of the bombing victims, then it was go time!  My strong hope was to cross the Start Line by 6:40, then when I had to move all the way to Corral C amid a crowd of 25,000+ runners, I assumed there was no way.  But things moved surprisingly quickly, and I crossed at 6:36 - yay, God again!

Mile 7 includes "Gorilla Hill" - there were far worse hills at Mile 2 and Mile 9, but they really hype this one up and make a celebration of it.  The app had a selfie suggestion there, so here's mine!

A bit of outside pressure helps me to stay motivated, especially when I'm tired.  There was a course split around Mile 8 where the Half Marathoners stayed left and the Full went right.  You had to reach that by 8:45 or they would close the Full Marathon path and have you complete the Half course instead.  I was relieved to be there by 8:20, and I definitely slowed down a bit after that.

Kudos to this race for all the water stops and volunteers!  The first couple water stops had only water, then there was one at Mile 4 or 5 with blue Powerade that felt like a God-send (most offered both after that).  And around Mile 9 or 10, there was a stop where they had cups filled with NutterButter cookies - no food has ever tasted better to me! lol  I was worried about my energy chews running low, and I was super happy to see these cookies (they gave us 3, and after I ate one, I realized I should document it.  I thought of Malori repeatedly saying "That was from the Lord!" when a lady handed her some energy gel at Mile 8 of our Half many years back. lol)

I did my 6:1 intervals, but started off at a faster pace than I had trained to sustain... it's hard to gauge that when your adrenaline is up and the whole crowd is moving in unison at the beginning.  It's really good that I forced myself to take the walking breaks, or I might've had a real injury or cramping issues later.  Had I kept up the pace I was on in the initial 5k, I'd have finished by 12:15... the app kept alerting me with my pace at different markers and my anticipated finish times, and I was getting cracked up at how that kept getting further and further away as my momentum and energy shifted.  I'm honestly thankful I didn't know at the time that it was notifying everyone who was tracking me.  Gracious, I don't need that level of pressure in my life! lol

Sweaty Half-Marathon selfie!  Side note: I had lipstick in my pocket until I changed into new leggings at Mile 18, and I'm still annoyed by the photos where I don't have any on after that. lol

So the first half of the race was me and Jesus and Peloton. lol  And loads of random strangers cheering on the sidelines!  That's when I was at my strongest, so I'm thankful that most of my support came in the second half... (Kristin and Frankie got donuts for me and fought through the traffic hoping to catch me at Mile 11, then realized I was already past where they'd been waiting for a bit... so they went home to get their boys and came back later.)  Anyway, I was so thrilled to see Mom and Dad on Churchill Way at Mile 14! ❤  It had a strengthening effect for sure, and Mom gave me her sunglasses.  (It was a cloudy, overcast day where the sun was sneaky, and I had 3 chances where I felt rushed and failed to put on sunscreen, so this sunburn situation is totally on me.)

I got a FaceTime call from Chet Lee and Parker E and Tate not long after seeing Mom and Dad - they were about to head to OKC, and it was fun and encouraging to see them!

Rach texted to see if I needed anything, then she caught me and walked with me for a bit around Mile 15 - bringing this awesome sign and a Dasani water and some Cheez-Its!  We chatted and walked through part of this fun neighborhood together, then she told me she was headed to meet JoBug and would see me when I got there!  I called her several times with little questions, and she was super helpful and encouraging through the whole day!! ❤

Sister pic!  (Me in Mom's sunglasses and Rach in her pink Blenders)

Toward the end of Mile 16, I was so happy to see the Whitakers and high five the boys and get my chocolate glazed donut and orange energy chews and green Blenders sunglasses!  =)

This makes me happy!

Mom had sent me a photo and told me that JoBug's friend lived on Grand, and Rach was texting me with updates on how close I was to them... I was so very happy to see this street sign toward the end of Mile 17...

Their home was right at the corner of Mile 18... I arrived there around 11:18 and told myself that if I left by 11:30 or before, I'd be fine to get to Mile 20 by noon (our next timing checkpoint).  It was good to see JoBug and see Rach again, and I met JB's friends, who were kind enough to let me use their bathroom... they told me about another runner who collapsed in front of their home earlier that day - she had actually taken him to the hospital because the medics were taking too long to arrive - I hope and pray that ended well!  Anyway, Rach plugged my phone in to charge (yay!!) while I toweled off and changed everything below my shirt and ate a few mini-M&Ms. lol  (For real, though, throughout this race, I was continually struggling to figure out whether I was drinking/eating too much or too little.  My smaller stomach can't tolerate too much at once, and I don't wanna feel sloshy and gross, but I also felt genuinely thirsty several times, and I know I need water and electrolytes and calories and energy for that distance.  Thankfully, the Half-Marathons feel much easier to navigate, and I never have to do this again!!! #oneanddone)  I sat at their kitchen table and used BodyGlide (to help delay the inevitable and already-forming blisters on my feet) before putting on clean socks and a different pair of Brooks tennis shoes... after all that, I felt pressed for time, so I skipped the sunscreen (dumb) and forgot about the Advil (sadness) and left behind one AirPod and my lip gloss (noooo). lol  #soannoying  Here's me and Rach both wearing different sunglasses than we were 30 minutes before, and JoBug in her Gaillardia shirt! =)  All things considered, I never trained with zero breaks, so I have no regrets about this planned and much-anticipated stop. ❤ I'm super grateful for their kindness, and that this enabled me to avoid another PortaPotty and have a lovely bathroom where I could wash my hands properly!

And a quick pic with Emily, then I was back on the race course around 11:28!

Took this bc it made me laugh as I jogged through the park. =)

I called Rach about the missing Airpod, and she offered to meet me by Classen Curve at Mile 20 with that and some lip gloss - which I used once then handed back to her because my brain wasn't working at full capacity. lol  My energy was fading a bit at this point - not positive how strict they were on it, but the rules said I had to be at Mile 20 by noon to avoid being shuttled to the Finish Line, and thanks to Rachael's text encouragement, I made it at 11:57. lol #maximumeffort

When I crossed Mile 21, I knew that everything past that point was further than I had ever gone in training.  I was not winning the mental games just then, and my body was exhausted and my run intervals were getting shorter and slower.  Then I heard Chet Lee yelling "Go Lindseeeey!" and was so surprised to see the wonderful Wilson fam there at Mile 22... I wasn't expecting any more visitors until the Finish Line, so this was really perfect timing! ❤  Pretty sure the first thing I said was "I'm dying - this is so rough" (which is out of character for me, as I work hard not to casually or jokingly use words and phrases about death/dying/killing/etc.) and which Chettles immediately validated and then turned into a genuinely helpful pep talk! lol  "YEAH, it is - that's why only 2% of the population does it!  But you're here and you're doing great - you've made it this far - only four miles to go - come over here and get some snacks and keep your energy up!"  (They were right by a water stop with lots of food choices).  As I kept moving forward, he threw in, "Hey!  THIS IS IT - today's the day - you've trained for this, and you. can. do. this!!" 

Needless to say, my favorite people showed up in major ways on this major day!  Several times along the way, I also felt inspired by other runners or by the people volunteering and cheering for us... I so applaud this fireman doing a full marathon in all his gear with "For my Family" written on his race bib!

And these guys who carried this cross with them the entire way (I ran near them for a few minutes, and Kristin took this pic at the Finish Line bc she knows me well and knew I'd appreciate it). lol

Six out of ten toes have blisters, and there's one on my left foot that was particularly painful toward the end (and by the end, I mean the last 7 miles, so not a short time period).  I stopped at two Medical tents for Aspirin then Tylenol.  And I had one mildly scary moment where my heart started beating very rapidly as I was just walking - not sure if that was the caffeine in the energy chews or potential dehydration or just completing 24 miles for the first time ever after a 2-week training break.  I came to a full stop and took some very slow deep breaths and had my hand on my heart, and a guy from the Medical Aid station nearby walked over to see if I was okay.  A race walker stopped to see if I needed help and offered to walk with me.  It calmed back down, and right around then, Chet called to tell me to stay encouraged!  I wasn't sure I had it in me to rally and finish by the 1:30 timeline... I called Rach to have her ask the officials if they would actually let people finish later than that.  Then I got a text from Kristin that they had extended the timeline by 30 minutes, and that was just what I wanted to hear!! lol  I hated to make everyone wait, but I wasn't gonna push myself too much after the heart thing.  I walked most of the last 3 miles, then started jogging it in when I saw this section (they had posted on Facebook that the pictures of the 168 victims would mark the pathway to the Finish Line, so I knew I was close).  I closed the Peloton app - (LOVED those familiar classes and encouraging coaches as my playlist, by the way!) and I found and played Marching On by One Republic on my phone, but honestly, I could barely hear it with all the Finish Line noise and chaos.  I had pictured myself feeling all the metaphorical meaning in it and crying when I reached the end of the race, but my main thoughts in that moment were deep gratitude and joy about seeing all my people lining the Finish Line path, genuine shock that the announcer pronounced my last name correctly (thanks to Chettles, who thought ahead and had a convo with him about it!), puuure physical exhaustion, and of course, annoyance that I didn't have lipstick or gloss to put on for my crossing-the-Finish-Line photos! lol

Running it in - time to check this goal off the Life List - huzzah!

Finisher high fives from the boys!! ❤ (Post-race group pics in the next post!)

So I started a bit earlier and ended a bit later than I expected... like so many things in my life, it was a longer journey than I anticipated, but I got there in the end - with the help of God and the support of my friends and family!  I didn't process it all in the moment (which is often true for me), but now that it's officially done, I am grateful for that sense of conclusion - of proving to myself that I can do hard things - of finishing something that was important to me and having the photos and medals and car stickers and sore muscles to prove it!! ;-)  My finish time was 7 hours and 17 minutes on April 27th (all the 7s make me happy).  My average pace was 16:42, or 16:17 if you remove my 10-minute break, which was the only portion where I had a 20-minute mile pace. lol  But whatever - it's a marathon, not a sprint!

On this final Marathon Monday, I'll say this:  All glory to God that I made it through that Finish Line - His goodness and grace were enough for everything I needed yesterday!  The current sunburn and soreness will fade, but the sense of success and satisfaction will stay with me! ❤

I think many people underestimate the planning, preparation, passion, and perseverance it takes — the careful pacing, proper training, pre-race carbs, post-race protein... and the mental battle of pressing through fear, hesitation, and perhaps a random last-minute injury.  Running a marathon means moving on purpose, with purpose, and for a purpose — pushing through the ups and downs of the path marked out for you, grabbing pictures and memories with your people along the way, and feeling truly proud of your progress and perseverance!!

P.S. Bonus points to me for all that alliteration, and bonus points to anyone who took the time to read this entire post! lol