On Claustrophobia & Anxious Attachment

Back in 2011, my parents had a catastrophic car wreck.

On a lonely highway in the middle of the Nevada desert, the truck in front of them swerved quickly to avoid hitting a stalled van, then Dad was unable to swerve fast enough to miss it.  Their 80mph wreck hit the passenger side hardest, and Mom was medi-flighted back to the Vegas hospital for several days with internal bleeding, a gash on her forehead, and a knee injury that required multiple debridement procedures.

Rachael and I had flown home, and we were very concerned and anxious to have them back with us... then Mom's hospital stay was extended due to internal bleeding.  I was looking at flights back to Vegas, but she was released to come home the next day.  They made special accommodations for her flight and someone brought her out in a wheelchair.  Rach drove the Mustang to pick her up, as it was a lower car that would be easier for Mom to get into with her bruised-up knee.

It's a 2-door car with a verrrry small backseat, and on our way to the airport, I was obviously up front.  Rach was driving... we moved the passenger seat forward for me to get into the tiny back seat... then they spent a few minutes getting Mom all seated and situated.  

......

Never in my life have I felt as irrationally panicked as I did that entire drive home.  It hit me as they were putting mom in and getting her all settled that she was injured and fragile and could not possibly get out quickly if there was any need to do so, and I was in trapped in the small seat behind her with no car door I could open and no other way to climb out.  My parents had just had a horrific wreck, so that was in my mind.  Rach was also a little nervous and on edge about driving that car as safely as possible, Mom was nervous and still in pain, and I was taking deep breaths, trying to close my eyes and stay quiet, and internally berating myself for not being able to focus more clearly on Mom and what she needed in that moment.  It was claustrophobia like I have never experienced before or since, and it didn't get much better until I was out of the car.

.......

Rach and I had a memorable conversation on that topic last night.

She had a similar experience on a ride at Frontier City.  She initially got on it to help Kyndal feel brave enough to try it, then when she tried to bend down to pick something up, the shoulder-bar caught her and held her very still, and the feeling of being unable to move washed over her with an irrational panic.  So much so that they let her (and Kyndal Faith) off the ride before it started.  She has done rides like that several times before, and it wasn't the crazy loops or anything about the ride itself that caused the fear, but the sensation of being trapped...

And I told her I absolutely knew the feeling she was talking about.  I had only experienced it once, but it was pretty memorable for me, too.  Just a sense of panic and feeling out-of-control that you know is irrational, but you cannot easily calm down.  

This = Nate Bargatze discussing a very similar experience (and just after this, he tells a story about being in the back of a car and making everyone get out). lol

I'm thankful that for myself and Rachael (and Nate), this is a rare and sporadic experience.  But it does give me some context to explain the way I feel sometimes as a person with anxious attachment.  I have become more secure through the years, but the roots of rejection are powerful, and there are times when something minor can set off what part of me knows to be an irrational sense of panic that a relationship is ending, that all is not well, that I need to do damage control.  Then I'll try to calm myself down and step back and give the other person space, but I rarely last more than 48 hours before a real internal spiral hits.

I've seen a lot of both sides on this.... and metaphorically, bringing up any emotions with a dismissive avoidant (someone with an insecure attachment style that rages and pushes hard away from anyone trying to move closer to them or ask for vulnerability) feels like starting up the ride when you're already in full panic mode.  There is just zero ability to think straight for a while.  Whereas talking to someone who is securely attached and caring feels like the bar that was "trapping you" in this irrational panic/anxiety being lifted, and you can breathe normally and see clearly again.  (You still feel a little awkward and embarrassed that you couldn't freaking calm down enough to not need that reassurance, but gracious, it's a thousand times better when you can have one healthy conversation and everything just feels back on track.  That is never the case with the anxious/avoidant pairing - never.)

I'm deeply thankful for personal growth!!  And I am thankful for friends who are secure enough to navigate the occasional bouts of irrational-relational-anxiety that pop up for me in a way that's kind and rational and caring without tangible resentment and irritation, which multiplies the inner panic 100-fold.  When you're in an unhealthy place, that anxiety becomes familiar, and you can mistake the intensity of that dynamic for a really strong connection, but healthy connections don't keep your nervous system constantly on edge and frayed.  I know what to look for now, and I will not put myself through that dynamic in any relationship ever again.  I will seek peace and pursue it, hard conversations included.

So that's my fun educational metaphor for today.  There are good therapeutic tools available, but sometimes (with legit claustrophobia or relational anxiety), we genuinely need prayer and healthy relationships to help calm the fear and restore our God-given power, love, and sound mind.

No one can do everything on their own, and that is okay.

The end.

❤ ❤ ❤

P.S.  Happy Global Running Day!

Timelines and Testimonies

Happy last day of May!!

We had a pizza party at Mom and Dad's to watch Game 7 of the Playoffs last night... a sad loss for the Thunder, but at least the Jaceman was happy!!

Watching the game, Paris (Bill & Jill's dog - Jill used to live in San Antonio), and the Spurs with their trophy!

GIF of Jace high-fiving Wemby at the beginning of Game 5 (the white hand closest to the camera on the left).  It made his day!

Sour Patch Kids' marketing team is the best... the "first they're sour, then they're sweet" commercials are the cutest, and seeing this nonsense brought me instant joy (in spite of it being fake news in my personal life at times). lol

Speaking of cuteness, here's Katie and Kaden after his Kindergarten graduation - little kids in caps and gowns is so adorable to me!!

Nana with Carter and Emberlee as he was competing in the high school rodeo finals this past week!

Cousin pics from 18 years ago this week... 2008 sincerely does not seem that far back to me!!

Also in that Shutterfly stack was this gem when we were grabbing a few things from 9121 for my move to 522 in the summer of 2007... Dad, Grandad, Babah, Rach, and Emily.

And this gem - my last-ever photo with JMM from June of '07 - (I never loved it as he'd just gotten a buzz cut and didn't look like the version of himself I was accustomed to, and I was wearing vertical stripes, which are almost always a mistake without a sweater or overshirt to change up the angle).  It's crazy to think that Triston is now the age Josh was here... and wearing his own Harvard shirt from the Senior trip to Boston!

Mini Miss K and her friends playing cards at Mom and Dad's... she opted not to swim that day because "Well, I just got my hair done, and it looks really good!" lol  She's not wrong.

I hosted, led, and shared my testimony and the condensed version of my life story with my women's LifeGroup on Saturday.  I'm thankful to say it went well, and we had a memorable discussion about Psalm 23 and Psalm 34.  It had a strengthening effect on me to really think through the whole timeline of my story again, to consider new ways I can see God's hand in it, and to specifically speak the gospel part of it out loud this time as I recounted the story of Mom leading me to Christ!!

❤

We're doing "Psalms and Stories" this summer - reading through and discussing Psalms then getting into our personal stories and walks with God.  I wrote mine out before sharing to help myself mentally organize it, and the themes I saw paired well with Christine Caine's email today:  "He's not distant or disinterested.  He's not too busy or too important.  He misses you when you drift.  He's calling you to come back, to come close, to come home.  God's heart is revealed throughout Scripture.  He wants relationship with you."

Hosting also inspired me to fully clean my house for the first time in a minute, so I had to snap some photos of everything looking put together!

The final portion of what I shared yesterday...

My favorite things about Jesus:

• His fiercely protective strength on behalf of His people
• His delight in the details of our lives

Looking back, I see a few themes in my story:  I am very relational, and I've spent a lot of my life looking for belonging in close relationships.  All while God has continually reminded me that my deepest belonging is found in Jesus - I belong to Him and I belong with Him.

I've learned to hold on to Kingdom hope and remember that we rarely understand the full picture while we're living through it.  One of my favorite verses says: “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."  ~I Corinthians 13:12

And finally, God is far more attentive, personal, and involved than I once believed.  I don’t always understand what He is up to even now, but I will know it completely in Heaven (if not before).  And I know with confidence today that He loves me deeply, He cares about every detail of my life, and He deserves the highest place of honor in my heart!

Okay, friends... 5 months down, 7 to go... here's my 1SE video for 2026 so far!

 ❤ ❤ ❤

Audiobook Club

I've made my way through nine audiobooks over the past two months, all of which I really enjoyed!  It was four personal memoirs, three fictional novels, one five-week daily devotional, and one self-help/psychology book.

Quick recaps and thoughts below...

Strangers
(by Belle Burden)

The Big Boo (Patreon Podcast) Book Club pick for May.  Like Lindsay Ferrier, Belle kept good notes throughout her marriage, and she does a great job of articulating her thoughts and emotions surrounding her husband abandoning her and her children, then gaslighting her and playing some petty , emotionally-abusive games in the process of their messy divorce.  She's a solid writer who articulates emotions well, but her mindset reflects some victim thinking and still valuing her ex too highly, so I hope she continues to overcome that and choose strength over smallness or learned helplessness.  *If I decide to push through and get my doctorate, my dissertation will either be on learned helplessness or self-doubt in women, or maybe how they work together, and how we can best overcome them!

Joyful Anyway
(by Kate Bowler)

Very well-written memoir, and the style of book I hope to author soon!  Kate has been through a lot, and she is a deep thinker and a Christian.  (She identifies as an Enneagram 2, but I would have assumed she was a 4.)  This is a collection of stories from her life, including a poignant conversation with a nurse at the hospital that brought me to tears (Kate is a stage 4 cancer survivor, and the nurse was a recent widow and the first person to tell Kate she was sorry for everything she had endured at the hospital - it got deep and real very quickly, and between that account and my memories of Kristen Harriss being stired up recently, it made an impact).  The theme, as you can probably gather from the cover and title, is that although life is really difficult sometimes, we can choose to hold firmly to our God-given joy.  (Having said that, it's the furthest thing from "toxic positivity" or encouraging people to feign happiness while ignoring deeper problems - Kate is not about that nonsense, and neither am I).

Walking With God
(by Beth Moore)

A wonderful devotional book that I listened to a little along over the past few months.  Toward the end, Beth has a chapter on the importance of writing your own story, if only to help you understand and make sense of what God is up to in your life and how He has been with you and for you all along.  It resonated for me and reignited my desire to write (which has felt very muted lately by the knowledge that I won't have a child of my own who might have the desire to learn more about me and read my book someday).  I'm climbing out of the self-pity, though, and realizing that many others might still benefit from what I have to share - myself included.  Beth also shared a chapter where she encourages the reader to interview someone whose walk with God they admire and want to emulate (including some potential questions you might ask them), and I plan to come back to that conversation with several people later!

Theo of Golden
(by Judge Allen Levi)

This book matters more deeply than most fictional stories. Highly recommend!! It is the debut novel by a small-town retired Christian Judge and singer named Allen Levi - fascinating. The story is exceptional, and the audiobook narrator also does a great job! I listened to the last 30 minutes while sitting in my recliner this very morning, then I just sat there and cried for a few minutes - (it's more emotionally/spiritually powerful than it is sad - so good). I bought it on Audible, and I have now ordered a paperback copy signed by the author (because it matters, and I want it on my shelf). It made me think often about Grandad and his tenderheartedness and conversational ability, about the purpose of great art and creativity - even when it goes unappreciated or undervalued, about the value of small acts of kindness, about veterans and homeless people and their untold stories and their desire to be seen and known, about the absurd and senseless damage one angry/violent person can do in a small amount of time, about forgiveness and pausing to really see the faces of the people we tend to dismiss or overlook, about the power of intergenerational friendships to change people... and most importantly, about how to subtly weave the gospel into both my writing and my real life interactions by loving others in a way that connects with and empowers them and inspires curiosity about my faith. Gracious, Judge Levi does an excellent job of weaving in the gospel message in an understated way throughout the book, then more directly toward the end. The one court story he tells was the most powerful chapter for me (chapter 42), and it made so much sense to me to learn that he was a former attorney and small-town Judge. Mostly, he shows the subtle power of living a humble life based on sincere Christian values! ...I hope this one becomes a movie with a solid director who knows what they are doing.

Big Trust
(by Shade Zahrai)

Pivotal for me, and helpful for anyone struggling with self-doubt!  Already wrote more about it HERE. ❤

The Light We Carry
(by Michelle Obama)

Another very well-written memoir!  This was her second book, but I read it first because I appreciated the title and was curious to know more.  It's a collection of stories throughout her life - her close friendships, her Dad's MS, the strong example set by both of her parents, her brother, their childhood, going to Princeton, her marriage, and her experiences with parenting, gardening, racism, personal growth, politics, navigating her public and private roles, going high when others go low, etc.  I would say the first book gives you more day-to-day details on her story, while this follow-up book dives more into how she has grown and all she has learned over the past 50+ years, so it was my favorite of the two!

Becoming
(by Michelle Obama)

Michelle's longer autobiography (a 19-hour audiobook) with more background info on her childhood, dating years, what shaped her values, her college experience, fertility struggles, motherhood, navigating criticism and dehumanization, the political rise of President Obama, her experiences as First Lady, etc.  I always appreciate when people narrate their own books!  (We don't see eye to eye on everything politically or spiritually, but she is a strong woman who commands respect, and this was a well written, vulnerable, and compelling memoir that was good for me to read!)

The Correspondent
(by Virginia Evans)

Also loved this novel from the perspective of a retired older woman who writes letters to various acquaintances, friends, and family members.  The entire book is composed of letters with chronological dates, and you gradually learn the story and the way the characters connect as you move through them.  It's a clever idea that is executed well here, and yet another book that shows the power of intergenerational friendships and small acts of courage and kindness!

Sunrise on the Reaping
(by Suzanne Collins)

The Hunger Games prequel with the story of Haymitch Abernathy competing in the 50th Hunger Games.   Interesting to get an inside look at this character, although parts of this book felt more brutal than the others, which doesn't fully track with the other stories happening years later.  It does give you a clear picture of how he became jaded and where he gets the trauma-based humor and protective strength.  We saw a preview for this movie recently -- (admittedly, all of the Hunger Games movies are set in a bizarre dystopian world) -- and it prompted Mom to say, "WHO would actually wanna go see that!?" lol  I laughed and raised my hand and said, "Meeee!  I'm almost done with the book, and it's been great!" =)

Listening to Joyful Anyway on one of my recent walks.

❤ ❤ ❤

The Storm of Self-Doubt

This book was a timely revelation and practically-helpful tool for me on the topic of self-doubt.  I listened to most of it during my drive home from seeing Annie and Eddie in Texas.  I had talked with Chet earlier that afternoon about how adrift I was feeling without the clear end goal of adoption.  He talked from his perspective about seeing all the doors God had opened for me with CCU, and it was a good (slightly jarring) reminder that it hasn't ALL been roadblocks and hurdles on the counseling journey...

It paired really well with the content of this book, and God used all of the above to inspire hope in me that this may not be the dead end I've been imagining.  Having some time to really think about my story and how much has shifted over the past two years was also helpful.  And in my own defense, there has been A LOT of change and loss to process, and I can see how I got here.  Somewhere between the weight loss surgery and recovery, the extra attention and inner/outer pressure to maintain a certain physical appearance whilst navigating hair loss and hormonal changes that would be difficult for any woman, the intense season of marathon training, trying and struggling to view myself as a "finisher" - someone who commits and finishes what she starts, the end of the master's program, the unexpected difficulty of finding a good counseling job, the hard situations and imposter syndrome in some of those early roles, the desire to bow out and disappear, getting into the PhD program, the high expectation and pressure to perform well while not feeling sure I really want to move forward there, facing the physical realities of aging and fibroids and repeated roadblocks head-on, letting go of my long-held adoption dream, quietly grieving that massive loss with precious little acknowledgement while trying to hold onto other dreams that were kind of rooted in that one, realizing how many of my dreams were tied to the idea of being a mom, pursuing the hope of dating whilst zero men are pursuing me, consistently trying to push back against the sense of feeling rejected/unworthy while also being uninspired by the pool of mediocre/passive men, navigating multiple dating apps and driving to another state for a date and staying open to friend set-ups while knowing there will always be others who believe I'm just not trying hard enough, getting raises and cushier job offers in court reporting while everyone keeps asking how my new counseling career is going, ambiguous grief and feeling unheard in certain family situations, and navigating a major friendship conflict and sharply critical/painful conversations there... it has all spiraled me into fairly crippling inner storm of shame and self-doubt, with an amped-up desire to numb out from the gnawing sense that nothing I do is ever quite enough.

Woof.  This book really opened my eyes to all of that, and now I believe God will help me rebuild my sense of identity and God-given power and authority!  I've always loved the verses that talk about Jesus teaching "with real authority, quite unlike their teachers of religious law."  I love and have always been drawn to people who speak with authority, who believe in themselves, lead well, and exude a genuine security and confidence that puts others at ease.  God is opening a few new doors, and I have some ideas brewing on what I want to pursue.  Whatever else I do with the remainder of my life, I know I want to pursue and live from that inner trust and confidence that is rooted in Christ!!

Big Trust Quotes:

• "You're not questioning just your skills or knowledge, but yourself.  Your value, your place, your right to take up space.  You doubt your very sense of who you are, and that's why self-doubt sticks.  Because we mistake it for who we are rather than something we've learned or internalized.
• Your brain's response to feeling not enough is often to overcompensate.  You tell yourself that the next achievement, promotion, or milestone will be the one, the moment you finally feel like you belong.  But the finish line keeps moving.  You take on more, chase perfection, and tie your worth to your output.  No matter how much you achieve, you still end the day thinking: Was it enough?
• The more visible you become, the more pressure you imagine is on you.  More eyes, more expectations, more chances to disappoint.  So you procrastinate, you hesitate, and you convince yourself you're fine where you are.  But you're not; you're just scared...  Safety feels better than growth, but staying small isn't safe.  It's self-sabotage.
• These patterns (overworking, people-pleasing, shrinking, or finding comfort in others' failures) all stem from the same belief: I'm not enough.  Every behavior is an attempt to avoid that discomfort, but until you face it head-on and call it out for the lie it is, you'll stay stuck.
• There will always be others who seem better equipped, more qualified, sharper, shinier, something.  The real difference between people who do the hard things and the ones who don't isn't talent, and it isn't usually skill.  It's BELIEF.  It's the ability to come back to an unshakable trust in your own unique individual strengths even when self-doubt is doing its best to derail you.
• Most of us are far more competent, stronger, wiser, and more capable than we give ourselves credit for. You don't need to pretend you know it all.  Trust the part of you that's always been willing to learn and brave enough to ask.  When you trust your skills and your ability to figure things out, challenges don't feel insurmountable.  When you connect to your inner authority, self-doubt quiets and self-trust begins to take its place.
• Self-trust grows faster in good company.  Surround yourself with people who believe in you, even when you don't.  These are the folks who hold you accountable, cheer you on, and remind you of who you are when doubt gets loud... one supportive person can make a world of difference! #truestory
• Don't just do this for you.  Be the leader who uplifts others, the parent who inspires, the friend who brings light, the human who makes the world better just by being more of who they are.  That's what big trust unlocks - not just inner trust, but outer impact!
• No matter where you are in life, YOUR FUTURE IS STILL YOURS TO SHAPE!  ...Self-trust isn't built in one grand moment.  It's built in every small moment where you decide:  I'm not shrinking.  I'm not hiding.  I'm not doubting - not this time.  Now, go re-write your story!"

God is with me.

God is for me.

He renews my strength 

and guides my steps,
and He will complete the good things

HE has started.

❤ ❤ ❤

Annie & Eddie

SO HAPPY to have this photo with my podcast besties!!  Eddie said he loved my hat (he is genuinely a fellow Swiftie), and I was happy to be in matchy blue with them both! =)

Okay, starting from the beginning, I drove down early to Keller, Texas on Friday.  Annie put out a tourdetastebuds website where they recommended certain restaurants and coffee shops for their tour stops, which led me to my lunch stop at Acquario Pizza!  Then I grabbed Sugar Llamas for a snack because when I travel, even for a day trip, I feel like I need to eat fun foods!! #noragrets

A pic with Katie Boatman, the co-founder of Single Purpose League on Annie's team!  I listened to a podcast this week that I really appreciated and talked with her about that (HERE).

My new book with a bookmark and autograph from AFD, and a Waffles Kaufholz sticker ("Go wash your hands" was Annie's pandemic sign-off line, and "Bye, Buddies" was Eddie's, hence, The Buddies Tour!)

I also bought the t-shirt and changed into it immediately, because why not!?

It made me happy to see Annie's fiance, JW, there as the DJ hyping up the crowd! lol

They jumped right into talking about all manner of nonsense, along with a few serious topics!

I'm such a fan of them both... their walks with God, their long-term friendship, their sense of humor, their love/hate of running, their love of SNL and pop culture, their health goals and struggles, etc.

Their dynamic (the mix of personalities, the earned mutual respect, the consistent jokes and entertaining rants, and of course, Annie being single while Eddie is married with a wife and children) often reminds me of my friendship with Chettles, and it's nice to see that modeled somewhere!

I'm also a long-term follower of Annie and appreciate the way she models being a single woman who has a vibrant life and walk with God... I'm a fan, so much so that I bought this dress when she sold some items from her closet earlier this year! lol  (It looks pink on her and coral on me, but it's definitely the exact same dress - fun!)

The show was so fun - lots of laughter and good memories and words of wisdom!  In spite of the insane random traffic jam I faced on my drive home, it was very worth the trip!!

Till next time, "Bye, Buddies!"

❤ ❤ ❤

Extrovert for a Day

This blurry gif is a condensed version of my life story (readable version HERE) now on my photo wall with 80+ 3x3 photo stickers - yay, FoxPrint!! ❤

It feels comprehensive and identity-affirming, and I love it!

Rach and Kyndal have now joined K's classmates for the DC trip - hope they have a blast!  Three of my former CHA classmates have kids in that same class, so this = Sarah, Heather, and Lyndsay repping the class of 2002 in Philadelphia!

Gracious, WHY will this company not make jeans for average-height women!?  I'm wearing my tallest 4-inch heels here, and they still drag the ground.  They'll be cute once I get them hemmed!

Coach Nikki (SNU college VB coach and the head of RISE volleyball club + stepped in as Kyndal's 12s coach), K-Faith, and Coach Kate (SNU player for Coach Nikki and moving up with the girls to coach their 13s team next year!)  I'm such a fan of seeing the strong and caring Christian leadership!! 

Side note: Kyndal Faith has started wearing shorts and a leg-sleeve in honor of the OKC Thunder's Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, which I find cute and funny!  She's a fan and loves to be on trend; however, she's not tall enough for there to be a gap, so it just looks like half-pants, half-shorts... which makes me laugh!  Mom and Rach and I are hoping the pants make a comeback after the Thunder playoffs! lol

They made it to the championship game and played really well together... this = them celebrating a kill hit during that last game... I LOVE sports moments like this where the competition is intense and the families/fans are loud and the tension and joy all feel heightened!!

They got 2nd place in this tournament, but hopefully they were proud of the way they played together!  They've improved a lot over this season, and I'm excited for their final tournament at the Tulsa Regionals next weekend!!

Kate is leaving for a Missions trip, so they gave her her Coaches gifts early... gift wrapping by Mom; volleyball and sign by Rachael; jokingly taking credit for everything by Kyndal!

Me, Mom, and Rach at the tournament... we had a good long talk about the Michael Jackson movie (me filling them in on it before we all go see it together soon) - it was great - his nephew Jaafar plays him, and both he and the young actor playing Jackson 5 MJ did a fantastic job!!

Saturday also included LifeGroup with Katie and Josie, congratulating Katie on her engagement news and telling her I'm happy to be set up with her coworker (feeling more hopeful about that than anything happening on the apps lately), reaching out to Adrianne (Millie's mom + our neighbor) about joining our next study - yay!, reaching out to Natalie to make lunch plans for next week, initiating a convo with Coach Nikki  (psychology major turned coach) about how God led her to start Rise club and how much I appreciate her praying with the girls and teaching the importance of character and sportsmanship, talking with Casey and Sarah (Aniston's parents) about the coming DC trip and my workouts with Solid Rock PT (SO FREAKING SORE from last week, but going again this afternoon).  Yay, spring energy!  It was a very extroverted day for me - especially considering that I felt energized rather than drained by all of the social interaction above - I feel very encouraged to keep being brave and making new connections!!

After a few confidence-draining rounds of kind friends trying unsuccessfully to talk suuuper-passive Christian men into dating me, hearing about Godly men who are actively seeking someone and open to dating feels really encouraging.  I would so love to be chosen by a man with real goals and a decisive/assertive personality, not settled for or reluctantly asked out by a video gamer who's too nice to keep saying no to the setup - woof.  Megan Elizabeth is now married, and Annie F. is now engaged!  AFD's story is speaking hope and joy to a lot of women!  It's obviously not plan A for any of us, but it could be plan A in God's book, and it makes me happy to see quality Christian women in their early 40s finding love.  God is kind and powerful - He loves to write redemptive stories, and nothing in my past disqualifies me from being chosen and loved and building a future with someone God has yet to introduce - reminding myself of that in this prolonged waiting-and-hoping season!!  I am after mutual excitement and love, and I won't settle for less than that!

In lighter news, Miss Parker Elizabeth had a Princess Party for her 5th birthday yesterday...
what a preshface - she was definitely feeling cute here! lol

Pic with Katherine Claire, Holly Marie in her bowl hat, Paige Evelyn in her tutu, Disney princess pics, and presents (mirroring Tate's Kiwi-Co gift this year, I got Parker a Petite Princess 6-month subscription service, so hopefully that'll turn out well).

26.2 - one year ago today!! ❤

And with that, I'm all caught up.  Thanks for stopping by - I love you and believe in you, and I believe that God is with you and for you today, working behind the scenes for your good and His glory!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Artificial Intelligence vs. God-given Wisdom

Okay, so I've been a big fan of ChatGPT since Holly first introduced the concept!  I have used it for small medical questions, resume adjustments, workout routines, meal planning, refining my vitamins, brainstorming, proofreading, generative writing, therapy session planning, marketing ideas, fun caricatures, online dating questions, and more.  In many areas, it's been a helpful tool... but lately, I am very intentionally leaning away from it and leaning harder into my walk with God.  As a single woman struggling to find a man with aligned values and intelligence, it's pretty easy to start turning to AI for quick validation and in-depth relational wisdom... when we absolutely need to be going to Jesus and/or friends and family for those things!  John Eldredge wrote a newsletter about the dangers of that very thing, when we create a counterfeit sense of intimacy with something that is:

A) Not real or as safe/secure as we hope

B) Not infallible or consistently trustworthy

C) Not aligned with His purpose for me

So all that to say, I've deleted past chats and taken it off of my phone.  I was convicted about using it for school when I started the PhD program (HERE).  I did not touch it once throughout Dr. Burkhart's leadership class, spending hours studying articles and writing papers.  I worked very hard, and I was proud of my papers and presentations, and it paid off!  Dr. Burkhart was proud of my work, too... he was incredibly supportive and became an esteemed mentor for whatever I may pursue in the future with CCU!

I believe the same positive outcome will be true as I step away from using AI for relational coaching and make a very sincere effort to turn to Jesus and friends and family and therapists for the things I've been seeking faster answers to online.

The "last straw" for me was when I asked ChatGPT to give me an example of conflict and resolution in Voyage of the Dawn Treader, one of the Narnia books.  It told me that Lucy uses a magic spell to create light when their ship sails into darkness... that seemed strange to me, much more like Harry Potter than C.S. Lewis, and Kyndal doubted the accuracy, as well.... so I asked ChatGPT if that was  absolutely accurate about the book, and it said no - in the book, Lucy prays to Aslan, and He leads them back to light.  Ummmmm, nope.  Massive difference, and I was taken aback by how very quickly and decisively it wrote God out of the story and created powerful people who did not need His help (without mentioning that it changed anything at all).  Took the app off my phone that day.

So going along with my renewal theme, I am sincerely seeking God and His leading and wisdom!

The answers may come slower and less clearly,
but I know I can trust His heart and His Word.

God is real, safe, secure, infallible, and consistently trustworthy!

And He has a plan and purpose for our lives that only He can clarify.

Let's be incredibly careful to guard our hearts
and keep Him at the center of our story!!

❤ ❤ ❤