Showing posts with label Identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Identity. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 22, 2025

On Finishing Strong

"Come let us rejoice in who He is...
Our lives are in His hands,
and He keeps our feet from stumbling."

~Psalm 66:9

As I head into this final week before my race, I can’t help but reflect on how this marathon journey mirrors the bigger road I've been on for over a decade...

I first considered running a full marathon back in 2009.  I signed up for the OKC race in 2011, but I didn’t train well and eventually backed out.  Got into the Nike Women’s Marathon in 2012, then talked myself right out of those crazy San Francisco hills!  Now, 13 years and five Half-Marathons later, I have finally done the work to train and prepare, and I have a strong desire and determination to finish this race!

Much like the marathon, living out my calling in counseling has been a long and winding road.  I started pursuing this dream back in 2012 with night classes at SNU, only to be rejected by multiple grad schools afterwards.  Around the same time, I was grieving the loss of a fractured friendship.  So I settled back into court reporting, a great career where I felt secure and tucked away—but I could never quite shake the sense of God’s call on my life.

In 2022, I took the leap and started graduate school.  Now, 13 years after stepping into my first counseling class, I'm preparing to step out of my cocoon of career safety and familiarity — to actually live out the calling God planted in my heart so long ago!  I think people tend to assume joy and excitement are my main emotions here... 

But it’s scary.  It’s vulnerable.  It’s slow.
A marathon, not a sprint.

I am moving from something comfortable where I am at the top of my field into something new where I’m at the bottom of the ladder -- still experimenting, exploring, "paying my dues," wrestling through my own insecurities to figure out where I fit and how God has uniquely gifted me.  I’ve learned a lot over the past three years, but there’s still so much I don’t know.  And the best way to learn is through hands-on practice, critique and constructive feedback, actively embracing change and choosing a growth mindset, repeatedly showing up and being seen!  That level of scrutiny feels very disorienting after 20 years in a cozy background observer role.

I have to remind myself often: I am not alone.  God is with me.  God is for me.

This candidacy job search has stretched me more than I expected. Since December, I’ve submitted over 15 applications and completed at least eight job interviews—with places like CREOKS Broken Arrow, CRS-Tulsa, FCS-Tulsa, Charlie Health (virtual), Red Rock OKC, and Moore Counseling Center.  (That doesn't include the work of applying and interviewing for the PhD program - it's been a lot).  Fear/the enemy keeps whispering: You don’t belong here.  You’re not enough.  This is all too hard.  You’ll never find your place.  I have seriously considered pursuing a Federal CR job for the stability and great salary.  But deep down, I know God didn’t bring me this far to quit now - I believe there are real lives I am called to impact, and I cannot give in to greed or cowardice or the craving for comfort.

I do recognize that I’m a prime target for spiritual warfare in this in-between season.  Thankfully, God keeps dropping little pearls of wisdom and encouragement just when I need them—through friends and family, podcasts and books, etc.  I recently heard John Eldredge talk about how we are needed here on earth — how each of us is called to uniquely reflect God’s love and light to those around us, how the character of Christ is being formed within us, and how we are "in training for reigning" as we move toward our future in Heaven.  I love that!

You know I love a good illustration, and I’ve been thinking about that final scene in The Patriot.  The soldiers are retreating in fear, divided and overwhelmed.  Then Mel Gibson runs through all the chaos, waving their flag and shouting, “No retreat—HOLD—hold the line!”  A repeated line from that movie is “stay the course.”  Even now, it encourages me to remember what I’m fighting for, why it matters, and not to give up when the path feels far harder, longer, and more costly than I'd expected.

As real change draws near, I have felt more overwhelmed and inadequate than excited.  But these are all normal emotions at this stage, and I want to build a life marked by courage and bold faith!  I want to try new things and find my best lane in counseling.  I want to finish what I’ve started, which means stepping fully into this new identity and leaving comfort and hiding behind.  I am determined and called to make a Kingdom impact with my life and my work.  And I'm confident that God will lead, guide, and provide for me as I keep moving forward!

Okay, speaking of long journeys and forward momentum, my adoption story is at another pivotal point.  This is my third year of working with Snowflakes.  After two surgeries that made me healthier for a potential pregnancy — and two difficult setbacks with the previous matches — Shay completed my final home study update over Easter weekend.  This week, I am restarting the matching process, working with OU Reproductive instead of Dallas IVF this time.  I feel hopeful and cautiously optimistic, ready and willing to make major shifts and sacrifices if God chooses to fulfill this desire!

(For the record, if this third attempt doesn’t work, I will let go of this specific path to motherhood.  Not releasing the desire entirely, but believing this particular doorway is closed.)  Still, I am planning, preparing, and praying that the third time’s a charm — for my embryo adoption journey and for finishing the marathon this weekend!

In my hopes for adoption, my career calling, my health journey, and this long-standing marathon dream, I have encountered surprise plot twists, detours, rejections, loss, fear, and long seasons of waiting.  However, my soul is anchored in Kingdom hope, and I am decidedly stronger than I used to be.  I like being someone who dreams big and lives with purpose, but I don’t want to be the girl who never finishes anything.  (And I don’t believe God wants that identity for me either.)  So I am resisting the enemy’s lies and breaking those old agreements.

We can do hard things, and it's worth the effort!  Whenever it happens, physically crossing the Finish Line will feel so symbolic and hopeful for me.  I’m praying and believing for 2025 to be a year of courage and victorious follow-through.  A year of finishing strong.  I am grateful to know I am not facing these challenges alone.  And I’m trusting our faithful God, who finishes every good thing He starts!!

"Since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the particular race God has set before us... Let God train you, for He is doing what any loving father does for His children... So take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs, and mark out a straight, smooth path for your feet so that those who follow you, though weak and lame, will not fall and hurt themselves but become strong." ~Hebrews 12:1-13

❤ ❤ ❤

Wednesday, April 16, 2025

LCM Life List!

Hello and Happy Wednesday, friends!  Our Jury Trial for today is going, but they did not need a record for voir dire - praise the Lord! lol  So I'm finishing up this list I started yesterday, inspired by the Netflix movie and by reading a couple other blogs on this topic...

As I'm writing this on 4-16-2025, my "Life List" includes 62 new items and 38 that I've already completed - (to give me a sense of momentum and accomplishment, all things that would have genuinely been included)!!

In random order...

1.  Eat delicious pizza and pasta in Italy!

2.  Celebrate a milestone birthday with Mon Ami Gabi brunch in Vegas

3.  A fun professional photoshoot with close friends!

4.  See the Grand Canyon; Visit Muir Woods in California

5.  Own the world’s cutest Pom puppies (#bestgirlfranz)

6.  Help my niece and nephews with resumes, college visits, and college applications; Watch them graduate high school

7.  Zipline over Niagara Falls; See those waterfalls up close

8.  Complete my dissertation; Earn my PhD!

9.  Start my own podcast (or co-host it with a friend)

10.  Be present for the actual birth of my niece

11.  Walk/Run a Half-Marathon (x5)

12.  Walk the stage at CCU Graduation for my Master's (5-9-25)

13.  Finish a Full Marathon (Lord willing, 10 days from now!!)

14.  Try out a few and choose my favorite bakery in France =)

15.  Earn my RPR (225 wpm) and my OK and TX CSR

16.  Ride in a fancy limo (JSB, Kristin's bday)

17.  Accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior! ❤

18.  Ride in a helicopter (Niagara Falls, Canada)

19.  Start a Friday Night Dinner group to practice hosting skills and initiating deeper conversations with friends

20.  Lead/facilitate grief counseling groups

21.  Mentor/tutor a younger woman

22.  Learn to play Clair de Lune on the piano; re-learn Amazing Grace

23.  CHA Homecoming; Graduate Valedictorian (2002)

24.  See the Hollywood sign and shop Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills

25.  Lose 100 pounds (consecutively - one pound away as of this morning!)

26.  Professional headshots to celebrate college graduation

27.  See Celine Dion in concert!

28.  Eat pineapple and attend a luau in Hawaii

29.  Vacation in Hawaii as an adult!

30.  See Hamilton on Broadway! (preferably later this year with Leslie Odom, Jr.)

31.  Officially/legally adopt embryos through Nightlight

32.  Lord willing, become pregnant via embryo transfer

33.  One way or another, become a Mom!! ❤

34.  Tour the Hearst Castle

35.  Visit/tour the 9/11 Memorial Museum

36.  Walk the stage for my doctoral diploma

37.  Visit all four Disney World parks in one day!

38.  See the view from the top of the Eiffel Tower

39.  Visit the National Cathedral in Washington D.C.; be there for Cherry Blossom Festival season

40.  Speak/lead a session at an AACC conference

41.  Lead a Bible study group

42.  Author a Bible study for women; speak at a Christian women's conference

43.  Share my testimony and major life lessons with a group

44.  Share the gospel and lead someone to Christ

45.  Become an LPC-Candidate

46.  Become a Licensed Professional Counselor in Oklahoma

47.  Get licensed to practice virtually with Texas and Colorado clients

48.  Become an LPC-Supervisor

49.  Open a private counseling/coaching practice; Try walk-and-talk therapy

50.  Take a short course in cake decorating, photography/photo editing, self-defense, sign language, flower arranging, oil painting

51.  Train/learn to perform assessments (ADHD, autism, bipolar, etc.)

52.  Complete EMDR and EFT therapy trainings

53.  Record my own audiobook =)

54.  Be a guest on a podcast I love

55.  Teach courses at Colorado Christian University!

56.  Counsel and create a safety plan with a suicidal client

57.  Be brave/assertive/tactful, but reach out directly to any man I'm genuinely drawn to and excited about in real life or online dating - (ongoing goal, but so far, I have a 100% success rate here, maybe minus the tactful part in my early adulthood. lol) *success in being assertive and honest when I feel something deeply, not in my feelings ever being reciprocated - in case that wasn’t totally obvious 

58.  Recover from something I thought might kill me

59.  Write the obituaries for Grandad and Babah; Give the eulogy and prayer at Babah's funeral service

60.  Visit Yellowstone National Park

61.  See Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran in concert!

62.  Pray with people I love on hospital days (ongoing)

63.  Find a church home I love and get involved - accomplished in the past, but definitely a current and future goal

64.  Mentor/disciple someone wrestling with faith questions

65.  Take Triston, Jace, and Kyndal for individual trips with me (one down, two to go)

66.  Build a new construction home that I love

67.  Confess hidden sin/repent and keep a clear conscience before God (ongoing clear conscience goal)

68.  Visit Elafonisi Beach in Greece

69.  Buy school supplies, pack awesome school lunches with handwritten notes, and go on school field trips with my child

70.  Write and publish a memoir book I'm proud of

71.  See the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis) in Alaska

72.  Ride the London Eye/ Millennium Wheel

73.  See Wicked and Lion King on Broadway

74.  Ride the High Roller in Vegas

75.  Decorate a fantastic nursery room (for my own child)

76.  Instruct/lead a meditative/therapeutic guided yoga class

77.  Find true love (mutual yes to the 4 questions) & get married! ❤

78.  Attend a Texas A&M football game at Kyle Field

79.  Train for and run a sub-30 5k; Do a Color Run 5k for fun pics!

80.  Give someone a $1000 tip

81.  Attend the Olympics (summer or winter)

82.  Take a live Peloton class with one of my favorite instructors

83.  Take an Alaska cruise; Take a European cruise

84.  Visit Goose Hill and have a real conversation with Donald Miller

85.  Go for a writing-retreat weekend with a good friend

86.  Attend a Captivating Retreat with John and Stasi Eldredge in Colorado

87.  Pay off my home and any $$ owed to CCU in my 40s; live debt free from 50 forward

88.  Get in the best shape of my life in my 40s

89.  Host a dinner for friends and/or family at least once a month through my 50s and 60s

90.  Go on a fun Disney cruise with my kids and/or families with kids I love

91.  See OneRepublic, Garth Brooks, Maroon 5, Elton John, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, and Backstreet Boys in concert

92.  Lead 77 people to Christ - going with a big number there, as it's genuinely the thing that matters more than anything else on this list, and I need to be far more proactive about it!! ❤

93.  Live in a neighborhood with a great walking trail around a pond/lake

94.  Maintain a healthy weight of 177 or below from age 45 and beyond (the plan is continued healthy weight loss progress and a possible pregnancy between now and then)

95.  Train and complete 7 pull-ups, for the childhood me who struggled with the flexed-arm hang =)

96.  Be a commencement speaker at a graduation ceremony

97.  Tour Highclere Castle (Downton Abbey) in England

98.  Take ballroom dance lessons with a man I love (ongoing, as I'd love to do this again with my future husband)

99.  Visit the Hills of Aberfeldy in Scotland

100.  Go to Heaven and start a brand new "Life List" after death! ❤

P.S.  Some of these are long-term, well-established goals.  Others are super random and may change as life moves forward.  I keep thinking of more things already, and I like that this will keep me in a goal-oriented, growth mindset!  I really may write a Heaven List eventually, as I have loads of ideas about things I'd like to see and do and people I'll wanna get to know when I arrive there! =)  Outside of #92 and #77, whatever remains incomplete here can likely be completed in Heaven, so that's a lovely and freeing thought!

P.P.S.  About #77, the four simple questions Alex's mom suggested to help her determine whether she's "found true love" from The Life List movie are:

  • Is he kind?
  • Can I tell him everything in my heart?
  • Does he help me become the best version of myself?
  • Can I picture him as the father of my children?
Love that!  Obviously, must love Jesus would also be in there for me.  So if or when there's a good and Godly single man who meets the above list AND he believes me to be kindhearted, present and deeply trustworthy, inspiring/supportive of the best version of himself, and great mom material, then it is all systems go!! lol  ...And if those things never quite align here for me, I will continue to live a full and happy single life, confident that God will be a trusted Father for my kids and will help me become the best version of myself! ❤

Tuesday, March 25, 2025

Confidence and Adverbs


I mentioned this book in my previous post.  It's full of practical communication advice, and I want to dive deeper on two points that stood out for me!

Jefferson suggests avoiding adverbs to communicate with more strength and clarity.

So, Honestly, Well, Actually, Rarely, Definitely, Clearly, Unfortunately, Sadly, Genuinely, Literally, Hopefully, Usually, Always, Eventually, Finally, Never, Very, Really, Entirely, Obviously, Exactly, Generally, Typically, etc.

I use adverbs ALL THE TIME in speech and in writing... I've definitely caught myself and corrected it multiple times this morning, and it tends to improve my point!  That's something I will continue working on moving forward.

* * * * * * *

He also suggests changing "I believe..." or "I feel..." statements to "I'm confident..."  A simple shift with a big impact.  He says the more you hear yourself say that and the more others hear you say it, the more confident you will feel, and the more others will view you as a confident and competent person.

"I'm confident I can help you with that."  

"Thanks - if I need any help, I'm confident I can come to you."

"I'm confident God is at work here."

Okay, friends... I love you and believe in you,
and I'm confident in your ability to seek and follow God! ❤

Sunday, February 23, 2025

Catalyst

I've been working on articulating my theoretical orientation and professional identity.... forming a mission statement or a one-sentence way to phrase what I do and what I care about as a counselor.  What I've come up with for now:  I want to serve as a catalyst, empowering people who feel stuck to move forward with hope and purpose.

A catalyst can be any conversation or event that provokes significant change or action.  For me, reading Hero on a Mission, the move to OKC, the May 18 conversation, speaking at Babah's funeral, Launch with Mel Robbins, some of my therapy work with Emily, and other talks with Chet Lee have all been great catalysts for positive change.  The right words at the right time matter deeply.


When people come to therapy, they are typically feeling stuck in some area, but they're also ready for change and feeling hopeful and more receptive to new ideas - good soil, as the parables might phrase it.  I want to speak words of life and hope that encourage and strengthen people to see and step into their God-given power/agency and to create a more compelling vision for their future.  I want to help and empower people who feel stuck --- (in depression, in grief, in bad jobs, in bad relationships, in bad habits or cycles) --- to believe in themselves, to reframe their story, and to take action toward significant change, setting meaningful goals and moving forward with renewed hope!

#goals

Women in abusive relationships who feel stuck there based on toxic theology or bad spiritual counsel are especially high on my list of people I would love to work with and help... I've been reading about how couples counseling is often counterproductive and sometimes puts abused women in more danger, and with all that is in me, I want to protect their hearts and help them GET OUT and BE FREE.  So we'll see where that leads or whether that's part of God's future purpose for me.

I also love to focus on holistic healing -- ie the brilliant way God designed our minds, bodies, souls, and spirits to work together, so focusing on healing and making progress in all four areas.  And I want to heavily emphasize grace -- for ourselves and for others, not expecting too much or letting perfectionism paralyze us, trusting that there will always be enough grace when we take life one day at a time.  But all of that doesn't fit neatly into one sentence.  So when I need to really boil it down and clearly articulate my calling and work as a counselor, I'm going with "My passion is empowering people who feel stuck to move forward with hope and purpose!!" ❤

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Wandering Wednesday

This post holds some rambling thoughts - just go with it. lol

What a gift this week has been.  Having a holiday fall on my birthday, then two unexpected days off thanks to the icy roads and below-freezing temps.  I actually got ready for work both days... started the drive yesterday morning and my car spun a bit in my neighborhood, then I texted Judge that I was taking the day off since nothing needed a record.  They ended up closing the courthouse at 11am.  Today, they opened at noon for reasons unknown, but our afternoon hearing was continued, so Judge told me not to worry about coming in.  Gift!!  I'm very grateful for a little extra downtime and rest, along with the brownies I baked yesterday, because snow days just call for baking! lol

Currently blogging and watching About Time -- so many poignant lines that make you think about what matters most in life -- a total treasure ever since I sobbed my way through the ending in theaters in November 2013. ❤

Anyway, here's a few pics from my birthday dinner with the fam on Monday -- we went to Ted's and had bundtinis for dessert to celebrate our February birthdays (me, Jace Michael, and Rach)!


Rachael made me this heartfelt card - makes me laugh that this is a real verse! lol

The fam. ❤

Jaceman making me laugh with the eyebrow action! lol

Miss K finally updated her FB profile pic to this one from a volleyball tournament.  Still not a face-forward smiling pic, but better than the shadowy one she had before. lol

Making some major progress in my own therapy lately -- really taking the time to do the homework matters.  And yes to being gentle with ourselves.

I kinda feel this one right now. lol


Tate Haywood after losing two teeth last week... he apparently lost the remaining top front tooth today! =)

Three of my favorite men in the world.  And baby Henry, who I'm confident will grow to be a great man in his time! ❤

Melanie's new book released yesterday.  I'm about 75% of the way through the audiobook already, and it's been excellent -- it's her story of growing up with an abusive, narcissistic mother and eventually finding healing and setting difficult boundaries as an adult, then raising a wonderful, strong daughter -- I love her and her whole family more than you would think I could having never met them in person!  Yay, Caroline and Melanie and Perry!!

Well, this is 41.  It's off to a slightly painful and slow beginning, but I am getting back up, and I'm believing it will be a beautiful year ahead!  Do I have loads of unresolved questions about what the future holds?  Yes, but that is not unique to me.  And what I do know is that God is good and He sees me and cares about me, AND although life has knocked me down sometimes, I'm resilient, I am not alone, I am loved, God is never giving up on me, and I am not giving up on myself or on God and His good plan for me.  I will keep adapting and learning and growing and moving forward.  From my birthday to today, I have had a few important conversations with friends, I've accepted an invitation to interview for CCU's doctoral program on March 7th, I've interviewed for a therapist job and accepted a second interview for Friday, I've done several at-home workouts to stay on track with my training, I've given online dating another shot, and I've worked out a few mini-goals for the coming months....

Tomorrow will be 78 days away from my CCU graduation ceremony, and I will be starting "75 Soft" - with 3 days off thrown in there.  It obviously won't all be perfect, but I want to feel proud of this chart when I hit graduation day. For the sake of accountability, my five areas of focus will be: 
  • Healthy eating and tracking (2 protein shakes + veggies daily and staying in my weekly points range - focusing on building consistent patterns)
  • Drinking more water (6 bottles a day - doable, but it requires more intentionality and focus post-surgery)
  • Continuing the marathon training workout schedule (which definitely ramps up here in the second half)
  • Averaging 10 pages a day of a real live actual book (I have two that don't come in audiobook format that I would love to finish)
  • Online dating - either messaging with someone (hopefully) or liking 2 new profiles daily, any online dating site -- (sticking with that for 75 days may feel like the biggest challenge here, but I'm doing my very best not to personalize things too early and perceive rejection that isn't there AND to lean into the worthy-of-love identity I want to build up rather than the unchosen/potentially unworthy identity I've become too familiar with)

In all of life, honestly, I want to focus on the new identity I desire to build rather than the old story I want to release... allowing God to bring more healing and trusting Him to do something brand new (2 Corinthians 5:17)!  I feel this deeply, and I'll probably write more on it later, but I want to get serious about abiding in Christ and becoming more whole and holy through God's love (Ephesians 1:4).  ❤

Okay, shifting gears, today's 3-mile Wednesday walk was not quite as fun as walking with Kristin at The Station!  I used my lovely walking pad along with an actual walker for handrails (with weights in front of it to keep it from moving). lol  I so feel like I'm going to fall if there's nothing to hold on to - this was a random makeshift fix idea from a Peloton FB group, but it worked, so that's a Wednesday win!

This post is full of randomness!!  Conclusion:  This 2-day work week feels like a lovely birth-week blessing! =)  I am getting back up and doing my best to press into the abundant life God designed for me.  I'm determined to show up and do the work that needs to be done, confident that God has good things in store!  I love and value you, and I believe God also has good things in store for you as you show up and do the work that needs to be done!! ❤
Know your worth.  Show up.  Do the work.
❤❤❤

Monday, February 3, 2025

Marathon Monday #8

Happy Monday!  It was a good weekend and a very solid beginning to what tends to be my favorite month.  Lovely weather outside, multiple birthday celebrations, fun people and fun pictures, feeling proud of my food choices and tracking, and conquering 12 miles (at a 15:1 run/walk interval ratio).  Less than halfway to the full marathon goal, but it was my longest training run so far and the most I've jogged in one day since 2010, so I feel proud and grateful, and I'm celebrating that progress!

I felt great through most of this weekend's long run, and I know that is due in part to having a week of choosing better foods... prioritizing protein (2 shakes and sometimes bars), vitamins, collagen, creatine, and getting at least a little fruit and veggies every day!  Little by little, I am starting to see myself differently and believe that lasting change is possible.  I can tell the difference when I'm in a peak state mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and I plan to keep pressing into that.

#MarathonMonday #Week8 #ProgressoverPerfection

❤ ❤ ❤

Monday, January 27, 2025

Marathon Monday #7

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.  We should like to skip the intermediate stages.  We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.  And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability - and that it may take a very long time...

And so I think it is with you; your ideas mature gradually - let them grow, let them shape themselves, without undue haste.  Don't try to force them on, as though you could be today what time (that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will) will make of you tomorrow.  Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.  Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete."

~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

❤❤❤
^ So encouraging and timely!

  

Let's move forward in our God-given power,
walking in steadfast love and clarity,
and trusting in the slow work of God!!

Thursday, January 16, 2025

Full Circle

❤ ❤ ❤

"The current cultural messaging that tells women it's attractive to play dumb and fragile and hope that they're saved by their beauty is incredibly destructive... Let's set a new example for a generation of young women who are watching us closely.  Let's teach them by our example to be women who work hard, who pay attention to their dreams, who give themselves to making the world a better place."  -Shauna Niequist

Seeing my official diploma makes it all feel more real! ❤
Updated Edit:  I learned from Amy that "High Distinction" means I'm in the Top 10% of my class, which is pretty cool!!

Seeing the diploma, my mind quickly went back to the "Beauty for Ashes" post I wrote back in September 2013, the day I received my Bachelor's diploma from SNU... the gaping loss and despair I felt in that season, the sense of brokenness and unworthiness, the way the enemy was at work, the friends who continually showed up and built me back up, the lonnnng road to hope and healing, the strong hope for a redeemed friendship story, and ultimately getting redemption that looked very different from what I had pictured.  I feel ready to tell my story (or collection of stories) with as much grit and unpolished honesty as I can muster, to mine for new ways God will show up and speak to me as I write it all down with fresh perspective, to trust that He will use it all for good in ways I cannot see yet... wish me luck, and pray that I'll put in the work and see it all the way through!!  This is the year for finishing things I started long ago... including but not limited to the full marathon (in April), losing 100 pounds (potentially by my birthday), and writing a book (first full draft ready by September 1st and edits done by Christmas).

"We dilute the beauty of the gospel story when we divorce it from our lives, our worlds, the words and images that God is writing right now on our souls.  There's nothing small or inconsequential about our stories.  If you want your community to be marked by radical honesty, by risky, terrifying, ultimately redemptive truth-telling, you must start telling your truth first.  Don't allow the story of God, the sacred, transforming story of what God does in a human heart, to become flat and lifeless.  If you have been transformed by the grace of God, then you have within you all you need to write your manifesto, your poem, your song, your battle cry, your love letter to a beautiful and broken world.  Your story must be told."
-
Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

Monday, January 13, 2025

Marathon Monday #5!

Happy Monday, friends and fam... hope your week is off to a good start!

A month ago (12-12-24), I interviewed for an Intake Therapist job at CREOKS.  They mentioned offering higher pay for a school-based therapist position, a solid option where I could continue working with Marla.  Since that day, I've finished grad school, hosted Christmas events, passed several background checks, accepted the job and announced the move, completed numerous onboarding documents with CREOKS, looked at homes in Tulsa, met with my OKC realtor, and connected with a potential candidacy supervisor.  Some fast-paced movement and chaos, but life always seems to slow down a bit in January - enough to hear the whispers over the whirlwind!  Having some extra time to reflect, pray, and process lately has helped me realize I don’t have God-given peace about moving for this job, as much as I wish I did...

Initially, I felt excited and believed God was opening these doors, but my own lack of inner peace + outside factors not lining up + good conversations with Chet Lee, Mom, Rach, and Kristin... along with John Eldredge’s recent warnings on guarding against deception in big life decisions, have gradually clarified that this isn’t the right path for me in this season.  I dread walking back a commitment I made publicly, especially since part of me still feels drawn to Tulsa and hesitant to let a good job opportunity go.  But when I slow down enough to be honest with myself and God, a number of factors point to the timing being off, and this role does not align well with my heart and calling.  (I am capable of growing and learning new things, but I can do nothing apart from Jesus, so I need to feel certain that He is in it with me!)  My passion is for deeper conversations and bringing light into darkness for adult clients, not full-time work with young kids and their families - the area where I consistently felt least competent and most easily exhausted/overwhelmed through my internships.

Chet had some great insight and reminded me that I'm in a good position to trust God's timing and wait for the right opportunity without rushing or giving in to pressure that's not from God.  I cannot say with any clarity what that will mean for my career moving forward, but I sincerely believe my time living closer to my family is unfinished.  By stepping back from this move and not racing into something I don't have peace about, I’m choosing faith and trusting God to open the right doors in His time...

Moving back into the unknown feels a bit deflating and sad, and I naturally worry about what others will think, which makes it harder for me to change course and admit that I initially missed God’s direction here - but I can see that embracing humility is also a rescue from something that could have been MUCH harder on me in the long run.  And my focus needs to be re-centered on pleasing God and moving in alignment with Him!  (Part of why “let them” is my theme for 2025:  Let others think whatever they will; Let me follow God wholeheartedly.)

* * * * * * *

On a related note, I completed 10 miles of training this weekend... a 4-mile walk on Sunday and 6 miles of mostly jogging at Lake Hefner on Saturday!  I am rocking the training workouts and getting better at pacing myself, but my eating habits are out of alignment with my health goals, so I am actively remedying that now!

My decision not to move means facing a couple of difficult conversations today - so far, I'm forcing myself to step up and they've gone better than expected.  And I'm gently reminding myself that my closest people will fully support me in this, and my decision won't significantly impact anyone else's daily life, AND no one is thinking about me as much as I might imagine they are... (this "people aren't thinking about you the way you're thinking about you" scene has genuinely helped me several times. lol)

Sooo...
Deep breaths.
We can do hard things.
No one is doing life perfectly.
We are all figuring things out as we go!
Living in alignment with our values and goals matters.
God is with us and for us, caring enough to rescue us when we get off track!

I'm thankful for realignment with God's better pacing... and grateful for His grace and the timing of the quiet snow days last week.

I love you and believe in you, and I believe in your ability to make choices in alignment with God's best plan for your life!!
❤ ❤ ❤

Monday, January 6, 2025

Epiphany on Epiphany

Today is January 6th, the Christian holiday of Epiphany that marks the official end of the Christmas season.  Epiphany is defined as "the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles [as represented by the three wise men]" and/or "a moment of sudden revelation or insight."

I had a counseling session with Emily tonight.  It took a while for me to get there, but I had a personal epiphany moment of God-given insight on this official day of Epiphany, so that feels worth blogging about.  (I'll do an NYC trip recap tomorrow, but that will take much longer to write.)

Twice in my life, my grandmother made a negative comment about me to someone else that I overheard, then it stuck with me and grew like an infection.  In her defense, neither comment was intended for my ears.  And to the credit of our clever spiritual enemy, that sense of secrecy added an extra layer of shame and made her words feel truer and sharper so that they created a much deeper cut.

*Praying God will help me to be more careful and thoughtful with my words. 
He isn't kidding when He says "the tongue holds the power of life and death."
....That wasn't the epiphany - just something I've been thinking about lately.

Emily and I were discussing my future career path, and I mentioned looking into jobs here and not feeling sure about the idea of working with kids.  She asked what was creating that sense of doubt for me, and I had a long rambling answer, during which I quickly mentioned that part of it stemmed from an offhand comment Babah made 20+ years ago telling someone I'm not good with kids.  Emily's strong reaction and follow-up questions made it clear that she knew it was more important than I was letting on... which I appreciated.

She asked whether my desire to be a mom was present before that comment (yes) and whether I ever believed I was not good with kids before that (no)... and she said she could see it being a huge invisible barrier that's been holding me back internally, adding, "When you break through it and that barrier dissolves and disintegrates, I feel like you'll be unstoppable and motherhood is waiting for you."

Being the Marvel movie fan I am, I pictured a thick barrier wall and the Thanos-snap-style disintegration... and my mind went to this Captain Marvel scene (how could it not!?)


To be extra clear, I'm keeping this blog somewhat vague and brief, but I feel this profoundly.  I don't know all that God has in store, and I'm not taking this as any sort of promise from Him that I'll become a mom.  But I AM taking seriously the responsibility to heal and be free from labels that are not aligned with God's viewpoint and design for me.  It matters, and it's time for those old labels to dissolve and disintegrate whilst I put on new labels and continue to grow in seeing myself in a brand new way.  Here's to the power of reinvention, letting go of the old and actively putting on the new!!


❤ ❤ ❤

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Faith & Fortitude

Happy Wednesday, my friends!  I just finished a 2-mile jog (5:2 run/walk intervals) around Main Street Norman, and now I'm enjoying my end-of-day small piece of fudge (salted caramel dark chocolate - so freaking good - it's like these attorneys don't know I'm on WW. lol)  Our office is currently full of holiday treats, and I am being mindful and tracking what I eat, so yay for that!  I've also made a new rule for myself that I can't watch TV at home or post anything on FB or Instagram until that day's workouts are completed.  Motivating!  (That doesn't apply to blogging, for the record.)

Okay, on to the real topic for today... this little nod from God popped up on my FB feed as I was in the waiting room this morning.


I had a consultation appointment at OU Reproductive Medicine (backstory here).  Dr. Evans was very kind about my weight loss success, which felt good.  We went over my IUI history, the October hysteroscopy and summer weight loss surgery, and discussed my current options (looking toward summer 2025).  I was given information on the embryo adoption agencies they work with, info on a  fertility testing procedure I could have before trying another IUI, info on this clinic vs. a Tulsa clinic, and an IVF cost sheet ($11k without genetic testing, $14k with it, $700 for anesthesia, then $3500 for the embryo transfer IF there are any viable embryos, which decrease drastically as women age -- and let's not forget the donor sperm, which is $2000 per vial).  Clearly, IVF would be my very best chance of having a biological child.  When I tally up the home studies, profile books, payments to adoption agencies, sperm banks, and past IUIs, I have spent well over $10,000 already...


Financially, physically, and emotionally, the cost is high.  For those whose heart is in it, the (unguaranteed) reward of parenthood is higher.  The same would be true for so much of life as a single mom.

Spiritually, I feel a surprising sense of grace and peace about all of this right now.  I do not have to make this decision today.  God is with me and for me, leading me in big and small ways, and "I will bless the Lord who guides me."  If I were to become pregnant, I have a great support system and there would be so much joy in that news!  If I spend the money and a pregnancy does not pan out (a very real possibility), at least I would know I did everything in my power and I feel the financial security and freedom to take that risk if it's where God is leading.  And if I feel like God is opening other doors and calling me to focus on other things, that will genuinely be okay too.  I firmly believe that God loves me and has good things ahead for me, and that's all I have to know right now.

(This = their bulletin boards as you exit filled with cards and photos from grateful families. I stood there for a while soaking in the joy and hope represented there - I love it!)

This also popped up on my FB feed as I was in the waiting room... Lysa TerKeurst (a very resilient, Godly woman) reminding us that the God who was and is and is to come HAS BEEN faithful, IS CURRENTLY faithful, and WILL BE  faithful!!

That's all for today.  No decision, just the inner fortitude and endurance to carry on with faith in God's goodness, no matter what lies ahead.  I hope this post strengthens your sense of fortitude (courage in pain or adversity) and faith through whatever hard things you might be facing... any areas where life, health, work, family, etc. do not look the way you had  planned/expected.  Keep showing up and doing your best, remembering God's faithfulness in the past and trusting that He loves you and will guide you and has good things ahead!

I wait for the Lord.
I expectantly wait.
And confident in Him, I keep watch.
I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation.
My God will hear me.
Do not gloat over me, my enemy.
Each time I fall, I will rise.
And even when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.
(Micah 7:7-8)
❤ ❤ ❤