In the wake of my embryo adoption decision, I scheduled three follow-up sessions with Emily.
Potentially our most productive sessions thus far, so I am very grateful!
Yesterday, we discussed my tendency to put others on a pedestal... throughout life, I tend to choose one person who stands out to me as trustworthy then gradually view their opinions and feedback as more valuable than my own, seeking it out, and naturally assuming the slightly inferior role (whether or not they view themselves as superior). This aligns with old anxious attachment insecurities, intense rejection history, and the Enneagram 9 tendency to merge with others and avoid conflict by minimizing my own opinions - I've been aware of most of that for a while.
But Emily asked how this pedestal tendency serves me, which was a new thought.
I immediately started laughing knowing what she meant. As counseling students, we learn that our defense mechanisms and negative habits always serve some helpful purpose in our lives. Otherwise, we'd have an easier time giving them up. People often try to break these negative patterns without giving much conscious thought to why they chose to build and reinforce them in the first place. It's worth consideration!
Anyway, the best I could come up with off the cuff was that I always view the person on the pedestal as strong and protective, and I greatly value protective strength. And maybe I tend to assume the smaller/lower role because there is less responsibility there, and it does not require me to step up, decide, be strong, and/or lead as often. It's self-protective and takes some of the pressure off of me.
Of course, that ties into the learned helplessness and conditioned apathy that I wrote about in my leadership class. Situations where you care, but you have trained yourself to pretend you don't really care. Or you know change would be very difficult, so you gradually give into the idea that you are powerless. It was the first time I made the connection between feeling inspired to write about all of that during the leadership class, then very intentionally reminding myself a few weeks later that I am not trapped or powerless when I strongly identified with Gladys' miserable walk down the aisle in Gilded Age... Which led directly into me closing the embryo adoption chapter and finally feeling peace about all of that. No worries if you didn't follow all of that - I'm mostly writing it for my own future reference.
Honestly, embracing my own agency and power to choose and take action is literally the overarching theme of the last several years of my life. I haven't done it perfectly, but every decision matters. Sometimes, I naturally embrace the lesser role out of a false religious guilt that it would be ungodly to feel powerful. But Scripture is pretty clear that God Himself gives us a spirit of POWER and love and sound judgment rather than timidity or fear! We have a certain amount of power and authority in Christ, and God means for us to walk in it, not cower or play the victim.
Emily and I also talked about how when you put others on a pedestal, it makes you smaller.
Then we talked about the litany of mixed messages I have received over the past four decades about the value of being small versus the value of being strong. I told her one of my favorite Peloton quotes was "Make yourself strong, never small!" (And I'm 90% certain that small vs. strong line of thought will be the theme of my future book, because there is SO MUCH THERE - mind, body, soul, and spirit!!)
That's all for today. Yay, therapy! lol
Embrace your God-given power!
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control]." ~2 Timothy 1:7
❤ ❤ ❤
