A Time to Keep and a Time to Cast Away

Happy New Year's Eve!! ❤

This = tonight's Wednesday walk with Kristin and a pic by the train at The Station - if you blur your eyes, it kinda looks like NYE fireworks going off behind us! lol

Happy trees and my favorite verse as today's verse of the day!

Jace and TJ riding the bikes they got for Christmas (and Kyndal joining them for a bit)!  They rode from Rachael's house to Mom's house, which sounds slightly worrisome to me, but I'm sure they had fun!

Okay, the following prompts are courtesy of ChatGPT, who I often wanna call Chattles, but that would just get confusing. lol

❤️ Best of 2025

• Best Decision I Made This Year:  Setting boundaries and sticking with a difficult no

• Best Yes I Said (Even Though It Scared Me):  Joining the PhD Program

• Best Trip / Day / Moment:  My solo trip to NYC / Relay Marathon + Friendsgiving #14 / Reaching onederland for the first time since 2009

• Best Book That Changed How I Think:  Collective Illusions

• Best Podcast:  Mel Robbins & David Kessler or Craig Groeschel (Leadership Podcast) & Vanessa Van Edwards 

• Best Laugh:  The ER trip with Rach

• Best New Restaurant / Comfort Food:  Paul's Place / Laurannae cupcakes

• Most Life-Giving Relationship:  Friendship with Chet Lee

• Most Unexpected Encourager:  Dr. Burkhart

• Most Meaningful Goodbye:  My long phone call with Kristen Harriss the week before she died

• Most Honest Prayer:  None of this makes sense - where are You?

• Most “God Was Quiet but Present” Season:  August

• Biggest Shift in What I’m Asking God For:  Asking for renewed security in Him

• Most Healing Scripture or Truth:  "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." -1 Timothy 1:7

• What I’m Leaving in 2025:  Striving to prove my value within the church through motherhood and/or marriage

• What I’m Carrying Forward:  God-given value

• What I’m Still Becoming:  Securely attached

• One Word I’m Choosing for Next Year:  Renewal

• One Thing I’m No Longer Rushing:  Family

• One Thing I’m Saying Yes to Next:  Peace

• The Decision That Taught Me the Most:  Adopting the Embryos

• Most Unexpected Plot Twist:  Turning down two good counseling job offers and taking another court reporting job for now

• Best Moment That Wasn’t on My 2025 Bingo Card:  Dr. Burkhart saying I would be a great professor and being willing to personally mentor me

• Hardest Thing I Did—and Survived:  Quietly walking away from my decade+ adoption plan and trying to make sense of that whole journey

• Most Proud-of-Myself Moment:  The cold and rainy February day when I rallied and ran 14 miles on my own (my longest run ever up to that point) - of all my runs this year, that one required the most inner grit

• Most “Why Did I Say Yes?” Moment:  Hitting the mental wall during Mile 22 of the Full Marathon - grateful I pushed through it

• Most Spiritually Stretching Season:  August & September

• Biggest Lesson I Didn’t See Coming:  That I am good with kids, and I can trust that (Epiphany on Epiphany post), and because of that, I don't have to strive or prove my value within the church through motherhood

• Most Peace I’ve Felt All Year:  Immediately after making the decision to close the door on embryo adoption - that peace lasted about 24 hours before I got very caught up in the whirlwind of spiritual warfare and worry over the opinions of others, but it was a God-given sense of peace that eventually returned as I prayed and got more confirmation there.

• Most Unhinged Thought:  "Okay, I'm totally calling Rachael on my drive back (from Dallas IVF) to find out if she's still willing to carry the baby for me!" *That was while waiting on Dr. Ku's ultrasound after my heart sank hearing about the fibroids, BUT then he said all was well to move forward so I was overjoyed and never made that phone call... he left a voicemail the very next day saying we would need to run further tests, then no one in OKC could do the test he ordered and it took over a month to get back into their office, then I needed another surgery to move forward, and by then, my mindset had shifted very gradually - I am seeing God's hand and timing in all of that now in ways I really couldn't before.  Most people will never get the depth of it, and that's okay.  At least I'm familiar with ambiguous grief.  For the level of inner determination I felt, I had to adopt the embryos.  I had to spend the money and try the IUIs and at-home insemination and do the home studies and profile books and sign the legal contracts and have the surgeries and be repeatedly disappointed and hear the hard medical news (2x about me and 2x about nonviable embryo matches) and deeply question God's will and my abilities then repetitively seek wise counsel and reassuring words from Chet, Mom, Emily, Kristin, etc. and go through that ENTIRE exhausting emotional path in order to ever reach the end of my rope and prayerfully choose to let. this. go.  "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away," and both seasons mattered deeply for me here. ❤  I kind of feel like I am saying a final goodbye to that hope here as this year comes to a close, and it's bringing up some quiet grief and sadness for me (an odd contrast as I listen to my neighbors holding a comically-loud NYE party).  Knowing how to move forward with a sense of purpose is still tricky and difficult, and I'm choosing not to tie a neat bow over that wound today.

• Phrase That Describes This Year:  Learning Curve

Praying God blesses us with hope and peace as we seek Him in 2026!

❤ ❤ ❤

Standing in the Light

I shook hands with my old habits, let them tell me I belong.

They said, "Freedom is a rumor that only fools chase long."

But I heard a different whisper underneath the noise and doubts,

Something soft and steady saying, "Son, I'm not done now."

My past kept flashing headlines like it wanted me to read

Every sin I ever hid came begging on its knees.

I said, "Lord, I'm tired of running, tired of wearing borrowed skin

Tired of confusing punishment with discipline.

If freedom's just a rumor, let me die trying.

If grace is really real, then let it find me where I'm lying."

That's when the knocking turned to pounding

Like a war outside my chest.

Every lie I'd ever loved came dressed up as a test.

They said, "Remember who you were and how you always fall."

They said, "You'll crawl back here by night; you're nothing after all."

But faith don't always shout; sometimes it barely breathes.

Sometimes it shakes and stutters while it still believes.

I said, "I don't feel holy.  I don't feel strong or clean,

But I'm standing in the doorway of the man I'm meant to be!"

I started laying down my blues, every lie and every crutch...

Turns out hell hates exits, and it hates when you don't look back.

I felt forgiveness hit me like I a weight I couldn't bear,

Heavy like an honest truth I wasn't ready to declare.

But I carried it with tears, and every step was new.

Freedom isn't flying; it's learning how to choose. 

So knock if you want to.  I hear you through the door.

But I've been to the bottom, and I won't live there anymore.

I know the sound of mercy, and I know the sound of change.

And I've finally learned the difference between conviction and shame.

Demons knock harder when you're almost free,

When the chains feel loose and the light starts finding me.

They don't kick the door when you're already down.

They wait till hope's breathin', and then come around.

They whisper my past like it's all I'll be,

But grace stands louder saying, "You belong to me."  

So let 'em knock till their knuckles bleed.

I'm standing in the light, and I'm learning to believe.

I'm not who I was, and I don't have to be.

Demons knock harder... but I'm finally free!

(Not sure who to credit with writing this song, nor who truly sings it... the comments have assured me it's not really Chris Stapleton.)  Either way, these lyrics are powerful for me, so I wanted them documented here.  Happy almost new year, gang.  I'm fairly certain I'll write one more post before the day is over!

❤ ❤ ❤

Day 364

Hey friends, I hope you're having a lovely penultimate day of 2025!

Here's a random throwback pic of Rach and I icing sugar cookies 20 freaking years ago. =)

My 2025 Recap from ChatGPT was interesting... them throwing in a silver sequin gown as if that's been a big part of my daily life (bc of the popular Christmas portrait prompt) definitely made me laugh!

It's okay for you not to know.  It's not fun, but it's okay.

Christmas Eve dinner with the fam, 2021 and 2025!  I like that if the Saltgrass table were round, we'd be in the exact same spots both years. =)

This feels true and keeps me going when I feel ready to just burn it all down. lol

In other news, I had my first day at the new job yesterday!  I spent the morning in an HR Onboarding training for new hires, which meant getting our computers and ID badges and learning about the different departments in the OCC.  It was me, two Administrative Law Judges, and 3 Dept of Transportation guys.  Then Amy (the Court Admin who is also a CR) and Andrea (my manager and another CR) took me out to lunch at Ted's Tacos and Cantina, a cute mini-version of Ted's Cafe Escondido -- fun!  And we spent the afternoon getting to know each other and getting me set up with access for Zoom.gov, Teams, Outlook, Laserfiche, Workday, etc.  Other than carrying my heavy machine around all day for no real reason, it was a really great first day!  The Apple sticker over my Dell laptop from the OCC made me laugh. lol

Today = day one of working from home... yes, please!  They had assigned me a random transcript to slowly practice on, then the attorneys ended up calling and wanting it expedited today, so that was a fun first-day challenge! lol  I assumed I wouldn't be filing any transcripts for them until 2026, but it makes me happy that I made $364 in this final transcript on the 364th day of the year.  My bedroom mirror needs to be dusted ASAP, but yay for getting to be in comfy clothes all day!

Four computer monitors, two keyboards and mouses, my steno machine setup for realtime writing, headphones and a foot pedal for transcription, and all the cords organized and working properly - let's freaking go! lol

So the new job is off to a great start - I genuinely like my coworkers and think it's cool that I'll be managed by CRs who understand this work - I am loving my home office setup and believe this flexibility will be awesome - I did well and felt appreciated and made good money today - everyone in my family is generally doing well, and we had a pretty fantastic Christmas - I have a 4.0 GPA in my doctoral courses thus far and successfully co-authored a chapter of a textbook during my busiest school semester in life to date - Annie and Eddie are planning more fun shows together in 2026 - I've subscribed to Southern Living magazine for lots of fun episodes with Melanie and Sophie ahead - I'm looking forward to a Disney trip with the Wilson fam and a Dallas trip to see Mel Robbins live and an Alaska cruise with Beth Moore and her team - people who care about me have been kind - I believe my embryo adoption decision was the right one - I get to see my Tulsa friends in a couple days for Chet's Polar Bear Plunge event - and I am genuinely grateful for all of the above!!

And yet... I'm *also* feeling a vague sadness, some low-level anger, and what I'm going to call a fear-of-future-loneliness that's been hard to shake.  I watched two new-to-me movies this week that I thought would be light and cheery, but they both held some heavy scenes of grief and loss.  I'm feeling unsure about how to move forward and very tempted to believe none of it matters, (which I know to be false and dangerous ground).  I listened to John Eldredge's year-end podcast tonight advising us to pray over the past year and the year ahead, taking stock of all God has done for us and in us and through us, confessing specific sin that comes to mind, inviting Jesus into the memories that feel frozen in time, grieving our losses, praying for wisdom and counsel for the year ahead, and intentionally consecrating our hopes and all that lies ahead in 2026 to God - re-consecrating our mind, body, soul, and spirit to be submitted to His will and purpose.  So I'm planning to take that very seriously and take some quiet time to pray through all of the above tomorrow on the final day of 2025.

Happy New Year's Eve Eve, friends and fam!  I love you and believe in you, and I sincerely hope that you finish well in 2025 and have a richly beautiful, God-honoring 2026 ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

God Cares, and So Do I

I'm caught up on podcasts and audiobooks, so I went back into my saved podcasts today.  HERE is my favorite episode ever from Mel Robbins (released just before my 40th birthday in February 2024).  This episode is what really drew me to Mel and played a big part in my decision to join her final Launch course two months later, which played a part in me choosing surgery and shaped my life in many other ways.  I love Mel's heart for people, and I love the message of leading with HOPE and LOVE she shares here (it's just her speaking from the heart - highly recommend it).  My theological views differ from hers, but in a way that should only deepen and strengthen my own life's message of hope and love! ❤

She talks about how love is in the details - being intentional about small acts of kindness.  She talks about our shared human need to be seen and heard and valued, and the great importance of being intentional and clearly saying "I love you and believe in you," letting ALL people know that they matter and that you see them and believe in their potential.

It all resonates for me, and this philosophy is gradually becoming ingrained in my identity.

This message from JB meant a lot today - intentionality matters.

I'm forever a details girl, and there are so many small things my friends and family members do that remind me I am loved.  And it all matters.  When I'm stressed about what others may think of my decisions, the "David, nobody cares" gif is a pretty helpful reminder.  But when I'm hurting and/or feeling unseen or insignificant, believing that nobody really cares feels extra crushing.  And false.  Even when most people get busy and fail to fully see us, God does.  And He cares about our hearts.  ALWAYS.

So for anyone reading this right now, whether or not we have met in real life, I sincerely love you and believe in you, and I believe in your God-given potential and value!  You were created on purpose and for a purpose.  I am confident that Jesus loves you and believes in you, and He is close to you today, and working behind the scenes for your ultimate good and His glory.  You matter.  Your voice, your needs, your thoughts, your opinions, your emotions, your memories -- they matter.  And if someone or something matters to your heart, it also matters to God.  You are never alone or unseen or forgotten.  God cares about the big picture, but He also cares about the smallest details.  (And so do I.)

Now I'm off to relax a bit as I prepare for my first day at the OCC job tomorrow.  I'm truly glad you are here, friends.  I love you and believe in you!  I hope you know you are capable of growth and positive change... and I hope you believe to your core that you are deeply loved and valued, just as you are today!!

❤ ❤ ❤

In Between

Hey friends!  I'm sitting here in my super-cozy home office eating Nerds Gummy Clusters (random, but they sounded good when I was checking out at the store) and blogging.  I got all my work boxes stored and hung up the final bedlam game pic this morning.  Love how this space is shaping up!

Okay, so I've seen this a couple times on Facebook lately - they keep showing me NYC Christmas pics and videos, including this Louis Vuitton building!  I thought it was probably AI at first, but other commenters asked and people assured them it was real.  I then assumed it was an art installation they added this year... and when I was showing it to Rachael, Triston pulled up a pic of this on his phone that he took during the tour on our January trip! lol   He had the window seat, and I for sure missed this part - very cool building, though!!

This space from Christmas to New Years is always a little odd - in between two big holidays, preparing for the end of one year and beginning of another, and in between two jobs in my case this year.  I feel this deeply, so I appreciated Elyse's post:  "I just wanted you to know you aren't alone if this week typically brings up feelings you can't quite explain... I'm so grateful to be here, and I'm also confused as to what tomorrow means for me pretty much every single day of the year. ❤" 

I spent most of Friday and Saturday helping Mom (and Dad) take down Christmas decor.  We had a catastrophe of sorts while I was trying to pry off the J (still sitting right there, held firmly by nano tape)... a line of loose bricks fell down, hitting their countertop below and shattering to the floor... unexpected and very jarring!  Thankfully, Mom had just stepped out of the room.

It also shattered their stovetop, which then cut Mom's hand... sadness!

We will rebuild. lol  (And her hand is fine - I was definitely more concerned with it than she was.)

Mom and I were very productive and made loads of progress through Friday and Saturday.  Dad was at work off and on, but he brought us dinner both days and helped with garland takedown, putting up high/heavy boxes, and pulling nails out of the woodwork!

This is very much on my heart as we step toward another new year... hard is not always worth the effort.

I still have ambitions and dreams, but watching some of them die a slow and painful death makes it decidedly harder to keep pursuing the others.  On a lighter note, I'm also a classic Enneagram 9, so I'm psyched about working from home and strongly relate with Melanie's post here! lol

Rach wanted a cute pic of K drinking from her bearista mug, but we got this extra-blinky gif that brings me lots of joy instead! lol  Her whole personality and sense of humor are so fun to me, and she's one of my favorite people on the planet!

Jesus is Lord. ❤

Mom and Dad's Christmas house as a Thomas Kinkade painting (courtesy of ChatGPT). ❤ I love it - the 2025 decor was awesome, and their backyard view is naturally picturesque... the only change from the real pic I'm noticing is lighting the candles to make it feel extra warm.

Thomas Kinkade-style Wilson tree - so bright and lovely this year! ❤

And a Norman Rockwell-style painting of Tate showing me their gingerbread village - I love this one, too! ❤

Mmkay, I'm very much enjoying this side of AI, but trying to rein it in. lol

Hmm, still working on this one. lol

A fun fact I learned in our fam Christmas Trivia game is that Santa Claus was typically dressed in green before Coca-Cola popularized the images of Santa dressed in red and white!  Well played, Coke marketing team!!  Could not care less about the soft drink, but I love their polar bear ads and color scheme and have bought lots of merch at Coca-Cola World... and believe it or not, the longer version of this random '90s commercial jingle below was one of my Top 10 most played songs on iTunes for several years. lol  It just brings me real joy!  (I'd invite you to sing along, but I'd be kinda stunned if anyone else knew the words. lol)

One more quick post ahead.  Happy Sunday!

❤ ❤ ❤

Confident in Him We Keep Watch

Merry Christmas, blog-reading friends and family!! ❤

(I'm starting this at 11pm, so assuming I get it posted within the hour, that still applies.)

This Christmas season has been busy, but good.  As per usual, it is A LOT of anticipation and decorating and fun parties and lead-up, and then the actual Christmas day is pretty low-key since we exchange gifts and do most of our celebrating beforehand.

Here's a family pic by the tree last night - I love it!!  I gotta remember to bring my tripod to Mom and Dad's soon, but for now, we've made it work with camera timers and selfies.

Kyndal Faith's Wish List Presentation for the win! lol  She got most of what she asked for, so kudos to her for making a handy shopping list for us!

T-man helping Dad with his iPad!  It's been good to see Triston more in the past week than I have all year since our NYC trip!

Mom carried on Babah's tradition by getting Rach and I some random things like toothbrushes and Kleenex and floss... then she improved on it by throwing in lip glosses and perfumes and such, and putting it all in a trash can, which she knew I needed for my new office room! lol

Jace Michael got a fun punching bag and some awesome LeBron shoes (quite the unboxing extravaganza)!  He is currently very into boxing and "Iron Mike" Tyson, so that was a repeated subject this week!

Mini Miss K also got some cute new pink and purple volleyball shoes, something she's appreciated from a very young age! ;-)

T-man got her the Starbucks Bearista cup she'd asked for - adorable!

Rachael's cards were super creative and entertaining, as per usual!!

Mine were plain and simple, as were my $$ gifts!

Kyndal Faith made a Christmas movie trivia game for us to play.  She's the very best, and I just adore it that she takes the initiative to do fun stuff like this!

Rach put everything in for the online order from Dominoes - when it wouldn't go through, we realized they were closed for Christmas Eve.  We decided to call Saltgrass since we would be in that area for Christmas lights - they had a 90-minute wait, but after playing the trivia game and driving through Gaillardia, that worked out pretty perfectly!  We had excellent service, and their potato soup did not disappoint!

J&K being thrilled to take more photos. lol

Rach got her Kraft mac n' cheese classic Christmas dinner! lol  (The pic of her is from Paul's Place, what I used for ChatGPT. lol)

Our car pic makes me happy - it was fun to sit back there with T-man and Kyndal Faith, and we fought through a bit of traffic congestion to see lots of pretty homes in Nichols Hills!

Including the well-protected home of Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (SGA on the OKC Thunder team).

We got back to Mom and Dad's around 10pm, then came over again at 10am this morning for Christmas brunch!  (Triston went to JoBug's for breakfast with Blake and Wendy and co.)

Rach made pancakes and Mom and Kyndal made scrambled eggs and bacon... Jace showed us boxing videos, and I snacked on the cinnamon churro crackers Mom made yesterady - yum!

Mom asked me to bring our Senior year autobiographies, a CHA assignment Triston will do this year!  It was fun to look back through them and interesting to think about how differently we might write certain things now!

I took a sunny Christmas day walk at The Station around 3:30... it was really nice weather, and I listened to Rachel McAdams reading me Anne of Green Gables - so enjoying that again - right up there with Little Women for me!

I went to see David at the Moore Warren and ended up by one of my former CHA classmates and her entire extended family, so having to explain repeatedly that I was there on my own was not my favorite thing, in spite of solo movie nights being one of my favorite things. lol  The movie was really good, though - I love David's heart and story and thought the songs were all well done!

❤

And I ended the night in cozy Christmas PJs with T-Swift and blogging, which feels appropriate on every level.  It's been a very rich and busy Christmas season, and I appreciated a quiet and cozy Christmas night!

I saw a short Christmas video from Amy Groeschel on the Bible App this morning.  She talked about how people in the early Bible days were waiting on the promised Messiah to come, then she said, "But our wait is over - Jesus is here with us, Immanuel!"  On one level, I get what she is saying - God is with us and for us in spirit, but not in the fully tangible way our hearts long for Him to be.  The idea that the wait is over implies that life here and now is all it was meant to be, which is asinine.  My mind cut right to John Eldredge talking about how we do not spend enough time talking about the second coming - how our hearts should be tethered to that hope and eagerly anticipating and awaiting the return of Jesus.  So on that level, our wait is NOT over... Jesus is not tangibly in front of any of us right now.  We miss our loved ones in Heaven, and our lives are far from perfect or complete or whole... but Jesus will be physically before us someday, and things will no longer be partial and incomplete... 

For the final time this year, Merry Christmas.

If you had a rich and fantastic Christmas full of fun memories and great food and music and surrounded by people you love, hold it loosely and remind your heart that that the joy you experienced was a wonderful preview of what life will feel like in the coming Kingdom!  And if you've wrestled with quiet disappointment, loneliness, grief, anger, or broken hopes this holiday season, take courage in the ultimate hope that Jesus is coming again.  Full victory, healing, connection, and restoration are truly on the way!  Happiness is fragile, but hope is freaking resilient.  After the heavy disappointment and confusion I've experienced this year, the promise of a risen and victorious Jesus coming back to claim His bride and His place on the throne as King does a lot more for my heart right now than reflecting on the over-familiar baby in a manger season.  It's all connected, of course, and much like the people in early Bible times, we are now called to wait with hope and expectancy for something we've heard about but not yet seen, and confident in Him we keep watch (Micah 7:7-8)!  ...The God of our salvation will fulfill His promises! ❤

Joy to the World - the Lord IS COMING AGAIN.

Let earth receive her King.

Let every heart prepare Him room,

And Heaven and nature sing!

❤ ❤ ❤