Everything Else

Happy Saturday!  I have a bit of homework to finish, but first things first: catching up on the blogging!

This afternoon was Week 1 of the Good Boundaries and Goodbyes study with my women's lifegroup.  This = Me, Ashley, Haley, Katie, Josie, Christi, Natalie, and her son.  

(Very funny to me that this Moore group also has a Natalie Reed and a Jennie Curran.)

Anyway, this illustration was on point... Lysa said there is always tension when we give people a high level of access to our heart, energy, and inner world who do not handle those things responsibly.  She said we often try to fix and control things by asking them to be more responsible/kind/compassionate, but we cannot change other people.  The thing we can control is our own boundaries and the amount of access we give them, making it match the level of effort and care they put into the relationship.

Pretty much condensed my 7-year former friendship into one little screenshot. lol

It was a fantastic reminder, and we had a good group discussion about that!

The presh mini-Miss K has been a volleyball star for five years already, with her entire junior high and high school years to come!  What a little preshface on her first team back in 2020!

Feeling this, but also just fully embracing it as hoodie season even if it's hot outside. lol

Aww, memories of when I had this much hair!  The hair loss post-weight loss surgery is very real.  Still worth it, and I believe it's coming back now, but thank the Lord for Halo Couture (aka Vivian) in the meantime!

Okay, stick with me on this one...

You know how people who have lost a good amount of weight sometimes talk about how they still see themselves as larger - the whole body dysmorphia thing where your brain tells you you are bigger than you really are.  Habit-wise, I totally get feeling pulled toward the old identity.  Image-wise, I kinda feel like I had that in reverse. lol  Like, I was interested in losing weight, but I genuinely felt cute and happy with my looks pretty regularly as a woman who weighed 250+ in all these pictures.  And it's only now that I sometimes think, "Wow, I honestly never realized I was that big" as I look back at certain photos.  Even now, I'm not skinny by any definition, but I feel good about the weight I've lost.  I'm a little more self-conscious about my looks sometimes now, but for the great most part, then and now, I think I tend to view myself as smaller and cuter than I might actually be, so I'm gonna just take that as a freaking win. lol

On a somewhat related note, I've spent my entire life being a single woman without much male interest or attention, but I have spent less time worrying about that dynamic than people probably imagine.  When I think about the vast unknown future, I don't like the idea of "being alone" as I age - but that's more about a mild fear of aging than being un-coupled.  On a day-by-day basis, I am usually aware of the company of Jesus.  I'm an introvert who has good quality relationships, and I very much enjoy living on my own and very rarely feel deeply lonely.  Maybe all of this is the Ennegram 9 in me finding ways to be unaffected by hard things?  Whatever it is, I'll take it.  Having zero experience to speak from, I'm still firmly convinced I would be an excellent supportive wife, so I may venture back into the dating world eventually, and I will absolutely continue to work on my health goals, but in the meantime, I am truly grateful that, as an admittedly overweight and long-term single woman, I mostly feel cute and loved! lol

Mmkay, back to present-day pics... thanks to Carter's game being rescheduled, we made a last-minute family dinner plan last night!

Friday night dinner at Ted's... Dad, me, and the Miss K, and all of our unused and unappreciated salsa! lol

This ice cream place is new to the shopping center with Ted's, so we ventured over for dessert, and I was delighted to see they had Cookie Butter ice cream!

Yay for the Jaceman's colorful Nike shoes! =)

Group pic on our way out + photobomb by the customer behind us! =)

Here's a cute pic of Teresa with her grandkids at her Hideaway bday dinner! ❤

Mmkay, I'll focus on finishing my homework now!  After all, the homoscedasticity and skewness and kurtosis and multiple regression analyses and scatterplots and Q-Q plots and collinearity statistics can't wait forever.  Persevering through it for now, but gracious, quantitative research is NOT my strong suit!!!

It's been just lovely to catch up with you here, and I hope you have a fantastic and relaxing Sunday ahead!

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Reality vs. Expectation

This scene from 500 Days of Summer still hits hard.

Precious Joseph Gordon-Levitt goes to a party full of hope for a fun night where he reconnects with his ex-girlfriend and they dance and laugh and have sparkly conversation and go home together.  Instead, he drinks alone and makes small talk with strangers while watching her be flirty and fun with other men.  They do a split screen through the entire night of his expectations versus reality, and it resonates because we've all been there.  Not that specific scenario, but anything in life where the reality we experience falls incredibly short of what we had imagined...

While it's true that the entirety of my time living in the OKC area has not played out according to my original expectations, for me, this disconnected split-screen feeling is most true of my experience with the counseling profession.

The vision was Isaiah 61:1-4, connecting deeply with hurting people, speaking words of life, potentially using walk-and-talk therapy, helping clients break free from strongholds, and making a real and tangible difference in their futures.  When I signed up for night classes at SNU to pursue a counseling career 13 long years ago, I was seeking purposeful, relational work where my voice and heart would matter.  I believed that empowering clients to move forward with more hope and peace would be a vital, fulfilling, and financially stable career path.

That shiny expectation is gradually slipping away as I step closer to a potential career transition.  I am jumping through painful hoops and absurd rules as an LPC-Candidate, navigating the seemingly endless red tape, and looking for encouragement in counselors' "support groups" that are thickly layered with negativity, exhaustion, and self-protective tips on preventing lawsuits and angry emails.  The mental health crisis is real, candidates cannot accept insurance, and the mental health coverage rules for Medicaid are shifting (not in the favor of counselors or clients).  On top of that, I prefer working with adults, but every agency I've spoken with would prefer that I specialize with children (while no one has truly bothered to teach me how to do that well).  Many parents don't want personal counseling but want us to magically fix their kids.  And there is an absurd expectation for counselors to heal the trauma, teach the coping skills, diagnose accurately and quickly, and faithfully document their every move with measurable results and positive outcomes.

Disenchanted is an understatement.

The red tape, the fear-based thinking, expensive supervision meetings, personal safety concerns, lack of professional identity, lack of financial security/opportunity, unfair pressure to support everyone in their unique values and avoid offending anyone, it all feels... exhausting isn't even the right word.  I'm a gritty person, and I don't mind hard work.  Misaligned?  Disappointing?  Far from my hopes and expectations?  Closer.  I adore CCU's "grace and truth" motto.  I have loved so much of what I've learned and experienced there, and it makes me want to shine the light of Christ in a dark world!  But in the real world of counseling, the light of Christianity is being dimmed and hidden.  I can feel the OK board's lack of grace and support with their rigid timelines and infuriating love of technicalities.  It feels like every candidate I know is struggling with absurd stress levels and the lack of financial and emotional support... and it saddens me how much all of the above clouds our ability to be creative, to genuinely connect, and to offer compassionate and wise counsel!

It's not right, and it's not what I signed up for...

Still, I believe God has opened these doors for me.

And I believe that He doesn't waste anything.

Which means I am feeling this severe disenchantment for a reason.

(And it's probably not just about what's best/easiest for me.)

........

I know that social media sometimes reflects the loud minority, and that gives me hope that there are some counselors who are quietly thriving.  Either way, I know I am not alone in this frustrated perspective, but you cannot know how deeply flawed it all is until you're at the epicenter where you've invested so much time, money, and energy into this career that it becomes difficult to change course (the sunk cost fallacy).

It can be hard for me to articulate well, but I feel a deep-seated, growing, nearly-overwhelming awareness of what is wrong.

And I guess that's usually step one.

Honestly, my first (self-protective) instinct is to let all of this go and stick with the comfortable safety and stability of court reporting... it's likely there for me for as long as I choose it.

BUT the leadership course and the encouragement of Dr. Burkhart has me wondering what else God is up to here.  What others-focused role I might play in turning things around for future counselors (and their clients).  Where I might make a real and lasting difference through advocacy, servant leadership, teaching, supervision, research, writing, and yes, even counseling.  The original hope/calling is still in there, and growing stronger in me even as I write this... so it's worth pausing and praying about.  I'll keep you posted.

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"The Sovereign Lord has filled me with His Spirit.  The Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the suffering and afflicted.  He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted, to announce liberty to captives, and to open the eyes of the blind.  He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of God's favor to them has come, and the day of His wrath to their enemies.  To all who mourn in Israel He will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness.  For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.  And they shall rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities long ago destroyed, reviving them though they have been deserted for many generations."

~Isaiah 61:1-4

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Thankful Thursday #232!

"Rejoice always, pray continually;

give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today, I am thankful for...

1.  Teresa, whose birthday is today!! ❤  I'm grateful for her friendship and support and kindness through the years... and of course, I'm thankful for the key role she played in raising the best person I know!

2. That my niece and youngest nephew are having a fun Fall Break... Rach took them TPing Tuesday night, and seeing this pic brings back lots of fun memories!!

3.  Happy, colorful fresh flowers!  On the latest Eldredge podcast, they talked about how the beauty we find in our favorite parts of God's creation has a powerful healing impact on our souls, and I've been thinking about that and looking for it more since.  For me in this season, it's the details of colorful flowers and the calming effect of being near water (ponds, lakes, oceans, even pools).

4.  This reminder not to take the present gifts and joys for granted.

5.  A last-minute lunch plan with Mom yesterday... good talk, good food, and good for me! ❤

6.  Long story, and I can't go into all the details here, but I'm grateful for what God has taught me through my first and last paying client at ITS!  I was questioning the value of counseling and feeling like access to money made more of a tangible difference in people's lives than any counseling skill or intervention ever could, then something happened that flipped that script and reminded me that strong relationships and self-respect are worth more than anything money can buy.  It's been a journey the past couple months, but I needed that reminder!  Starting to feel more like myself again, and I'm grateful.

7.  At Jace's football game, a kind mom came over to talk to Rach for a bit, and she was wearing a cute t-shirt that said, "Motherhood is Kingdom Work."  True, and I felt myself quickly tear up as I read it - reminding me that I'm not quite okay just yet - then I looked away and pulled myself back together.  Yesterday was Infant Loss Awareness day, and there were several posts and podcasts that were helpful to me in this ambiguous grief.  Anyway, in talking to Chet about that moment at Jace's game, without being dismissive of my emotions, he reminded me that a lot of other things I'm already doing or stepping toward qualify as valuable "Kingdom work."  And again, I needed that reminder in this season!  So I'm grateful for God-given reminders of better things ahead, for the gradual healing process I can feel, and for what is hopefully the first of many publishing contracts I got to sign this week!! ;-)  (I was surprised to learn they're actually paying me to co-author a chapter of a counseling textbook with a CCU professor, and I laughed when they assumed I was also a professor - I'll take it.)

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Football Fun, Part 2

Jace's Fan Club for his last home game this football season! =)

Post-game pics - Rach had this shirt made on Etsy - cuteness!

Jace, TJ, and Jace!

Kyndal and Kenzie!

Removing the uniform is still an entertaining struggle. lol

Front pic before the sweaty uniform change!

Aunt Lindsey, Jace, and Mamaw!

And outside the world of football, here's Kristin helping Mom decorate on Sunday (I was also there, but mostly to support and document). lol

And the wonderful Moss Fam! ❤

Work in progress...

Happy Tuesday, friends and fam!!

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Coffee and Counsel

Happy Sunday, friends and fam!  I just finished up this week's homework - phew! - and I'm headed to meet Mom and Kristin for an early Christmas decorating extravaganza after I finish this post!  Feliz Navidad!! ;-)

Judge took Friday off, so I did too. =)  I met Kristin Renee for breakfast at Little J's in Tulsa before my hair appointment.  It was wonderful to see her and catch up on life over quiche and coffee and hot chocolate... and I was very grateful to get her wise counsel and perspective on my adoption decision.  She has been through a similar journey and reminded me that our faith is never wasted, that God often works in unexpected ways, and that it's important to pay attention to the areas in your life where you feel His blessing and grace and anointing!

We didn't get a pic together that morning, so here's a throwback to Chet's summer block party!  Yay, K-Foster!!

After that, Vivian and I had a hair appointment with Janelle! =)

Then I immediately messed it up while taking a delightful walk/jog down memory lane at "Crescent Park Ridge Roll" before grabbing pizza and Cookie Mama cookies and heading to see the wonderful Wilson fam!

They are providing respite foster care for a newborn this weekend.  As per always, it was good and healthy and healing for me to see them and be around their family.  I laughed that Chettles ordered the fried pickles + Hideaway ranch + Paradise Pie pizza, just like Kristin Michelle (she might skip the cauliflower crust, but I'll admit it was better than I'd expected)!

Total preshface who was excited to help out with the baby! ❤

Gracious, I'm grateful for friends who are easy and safe and gentle with me.  For secure friends who live with a growth mindset and help me in both of those areas.

I'm grateful for this good long weekend with friends and family, as tomorrow is also a holiday!  And I'm grateful for outdoor walks and seeing this sidewalk chalk message last night:

Happy Belated Bday to Frankie on Friday!  They went to Shoguns, and their server's expression for the top right pic makes me very happy! lol

And in sad news, RIP Diane Keaton, who passed away at age 79 yesterday.  I freaking loved her in Father of the Bride 1 and 2, Something's Gotta Give, Mad Money, The Family Stone, etc.  She's funny and quirky and a gem of a beautiful and successful single woman who lived with heart and joy!!

That's all for now.  I'm feeling better, and I'm making the blog public again because I'm clearly not taking a real break from writing - it helps me process everything!  So welcome back! lol  I love you and believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a life you love!

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Football is Life

Rach and I joined Dad for the OSU game yesterday!!

This = us in our verrrry sunny regular seats before we moved to a spot in the shade - love this pic.  My cap and the Chet fans were super helpful... I was very pleased that 2024 Lindsey left the orange sunglasses and those fans in my clear gameday purse! lol

This = Rach being deeply annoyed whilst lifting the caution tape for Dad to drive through it.  Aww, memories. lolol  His stubbornness and her impatience and irritation level make me laugh!

Rachael.

It was a light and fun day, and I know this meant a lot to Dad, and I'm genuinely very grateful the three of us got to go together!  And it was entertaining being there for the shirtless guys that made national news!

Full story by Stephanie here (love her closing paragraph)... we were in and out with the Club tickets, so we saw it when there were four guys looking kinda sad and lonely, then watched the crowd gradually rally as that section became huge... so fun!  I love knowing it started with just one.  Their chaotic energy made Friends in Low Places even more of a delight for me!!

Yay for this pre-game pic in Mom and Dad's driveway!

The food did not disappoint (for me, at least).  There was BBQ brisket and mac and cheese, stuff for salads and nachos and frito chili pie and baked potatoes, as well as brunchy foods since it was an 11am game!!  I gradually sampled the cheddar grits, cheesy hashbrown casserole, waffles, cinnamon role, biscuits and gravy, and bacon... along with some lemonade + cookies and candy and an ice cream bar to go!  (Back on track today, but that was fun!)

I was so happy to see this presh puppy in this huge truck during a 15-minute traffic jam that really stressed Rachael out! lol  When we finally got moving again, I said, "What a cute dog, and what a fun traffic jam!" and she was super annoyed with me! lol

Sister pic + Dad and Rach walking back to his car whilst I ate my ice cream and snapped a photo! =)

The Cowboys lost, but I can't express how little that mattered to me.  They fired Coach Gundy mid-season and their first and second string quarterbacks have been injured.  So it's a rough, slightly embarrassing, rebuilding kind of season for them, and on the metaphorical level, I totally relate to that and wish them all the best!  

Of course, on the reality level, I have no clue what's happening on that field 90% of the time, but I so enjoy being there. lol  Love the crowd, love the food, love the nostalgia, love the vibrant orange, love the fan energy!  To quote Danny Rojas on Ted Lasso, "Football is life!!" ;-)

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