In Other News...

My word for 2026 is Renewal, so it catches my eye any time I see it.  Yes, please to Jesus being my Shepherd and renewing my strength and guiding me along right paths that bring honor to His name!!

Made me laugh to get the full welcome packet after registering for the Biblical Foundations class this fall!  I've been here for four years now, but thanks for the extra swag! =)

Random pic I saved from FB - maybe it's AI, but I'm choosing to believe it's just adorable pom puppies that bring my heart the most joy!!

Sophie Hudson is writing a book that's a tribute to her Mom and also includes a cookbook with lots of her old recipes - as a longtime podcast listener, I freaking love that journey for her! =)

Grabbed some Gourmet donuts this morning for a friend who's going through a very hard season... this would help cheer anyone up, right!?

Lindsay Jane with Phoenix, Memphis, and Wavy - I don't get to see her much these days, but I'm praying for God's very best for her and her kids!!

My CleanEatz meal delivery kit arrived right before my DoorDashed Mexican food dinner and dessert, and the irony of that made me laugh!

Michael reclaimed the #1 spot back from Devil Wears Prada 2, which is incredibly appropriate, as that movie was over-hyped nonsense, and Michael is fantastic!  Mom and I went to see it again this afternoon! =)

5-22 = my old address, Tman's graduation day, and Elizabeth Jane's birthday, which I still always think of that day!  I'm very unsure about what went wrong there, but I love and miss her and sincerely wish her and her husband all the best!  It's honestly a fairly long list of people I will be thrilled to fully catch up with in Heaven, but we will have the time and the relational capacity and love and understanding and personal wholeness for exactly that - what a GIFT!  Kudos to her for training hard and conquering multiple marathons over the past few years!!

Here's Kate and Tman on the subway in Boston!

And Triston and Reese at a Red Sox game!

K-Faith and Laynie (her classmate, Colin's older sister)

Jace Michael and Gavin (his Senior "Big Brother")

Dad's new car (and mine behind it)!  Rach and I came over to hang out with them and watch the Thunder playoffs game last night... Jaceman called approximately 15x throughout the game to gloat about how well his new fav Spurs player, "Wemby" (Victor Wembanyama) was playing! lol

Cute picture frame at Amber Marie, but not really worth $130!

MacKenzie is proud of her stuff! lol

And that concludes the random pics I wanted to throw in here somewhere. =)

❤ ❤ ❤

On Grieving with Hope

The long and winding Dead-End Road...

• I was 26 years old the first time I considered adopting a child as a single woman (HERE).
• At 33, I took the 3-weekend DHS foster parenting training classes and completed my first home study (HERE).
• At 37, after grieving the Malori friendship (round 2), I felt like God gave me the green light to pursue adoption in the fall of 2021 (HERE).
• I made a profile book, did a home study update, met with an Oklahoma adoption attorney, worked with a Florida adoption agency, and connected with a struggling single birth-mom who ended up deciding to keep her child (at the time).
• After hitting some roadblocks in all of the above, at 38, immediately after moving back to the Moore area, I started medical appointments to try for a donor-insemination pregnancy... trying four IUI procedures that were unsuccessful (HERE).  I tried a fifth time a year later - also unsuccessful.  Lots of positive ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests = rough emotionally.
• At 39, I signed up for embryo adoption... and just after turning 40, I was devastated to learn that both embryo matches (from two different placing families) were not medically viable for transfer (HERE).
• That was a big part of the motivation behind choosing weight loss surgery that summer - to be healthier for a potential pregnancy.  
• In the meantime, I had another surgery to remove a uterine polyp (HERE), and I was matched with another placing family with embryos that could not be transferred (which everyone told me was a major anomaly, which had me questioning God's plan).
• Then at 41, just after starting the PhD program, I was overjoyed to be matched with a biracial placing family.  But as it moved closer, I wrestled with A LOT of anxiety and doubt, knowing how much it would change my life, and not knowing if those changes were truly desirable.
• Last September, I learned that I would need a third surgery to remove uterine fibroids that would make the already-high-risk pregnancy even more dangerous and difficult.  And after a lot of prayer and internal wrestling with whether God was in this (HERE), I finally decided to close the door on the embryo adoption path (HERE).

So I spent thousands of dollars, invested a lot of emotional energy, met with attorneys and daycares, talked with adoption judges, endured several painful medical procedures, had two surgeries, had long talks with friends and family, and spent a lot of time in prayer.  It's exhausting just reading about it now.  (That list was focused on motherhood, but I could make a similar list about the various dating apps and setups I have tried, all with a similar disappointing ending, with the added bonus of feeling personally rejected/unchosen).  God has been kind and comforted me through the various losses, and I have genuinely learned a lot through all of this, but I would LOVE to have more than personal growth to show for the above efforts.

I live a blessed life in so many ways, and I am grateful for all that God has given me!

It is also true that I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 20s. 

I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 30s.

I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my body.

Thus far, I do not know what it feels like to be desired/pursued by a really good Christian man.

And that's hard.  And there is genuine, valid grief for all of that.

There is also fear (that stems from poor theology ingrained in childhood) of my life never having full value as an unmarried, childless woman.  And in my case, there is maybe-unfair shame over not hearing correctly from God on the above decisions and pursuits, and fear of publicly failing again.  I feel like I am trying to stay very still, and it's making me think about Exodus 14 (where Moses tells them to be still, then God promptly tells them to move on).

After thinking it over, I've realized that in this season, I am not grieving over the loss of motherhood so much as I am grieving the loss of a clear end goal and purpose.  The degree, the health journey, and everything else I pursued felt more meaningful with that overarching relational goal in mind.  Without that, I feel very adrift, and I hate that feeling.

I know in my heart that God is a God of hope and redemption, and I am doing my best to hold on to that.  To believe there are far better things ahead.  To lean into His power, love, and a sound mind rather than focusing on fear.  I need a new relational goal that feels clear and compelling.  And aligned!

So I am praying for fresh clarity, wisdom, and COURAGE to take bold action toward new meaningful goals that God puts on my heart.  I want to live a FRUITFUL life and to walk in true alignment with God's plan and path for me, and it is NOT easy for me to trust that in any direction right now.  But I know that staying stuck is not His best for me either.  

Prayers for God-given healing, wisdom, clarity, alignment, and courage would be most appreciated!

That's all for now.  I needed to dive into the deep end and get some of that written down and out of my head this morning, but now I am off to Keller, TX for The Buddies Tour with Annie and Eddie - YAY!!

❤ ❤ ❤

While He is Near

Happy Tuesday, friends!  I'm in a Zoom courtroom waiting on attorneys, as per usual, so I decided to update the blog while I wait. =)

Here's me and T-man at Starbucks this past Saturday... we met for breakfast and discussing his future in Colorado and ordering his graduation invites! =)

Crazy that we're already here!  I'm so happy he was up for using the Kindergarten pic... cuteness! =)

A short story of sass and attitude. lol  The mini-Miss K trying on her 6th grade graduation look whilst being in a mood with Rachael.  The sparkly boots are fun! =)

Rach is using paint + crystals + a heat gun for the pictures to make these awesome volleyballs for the Rise coaches - so fun!!

This = my favorite coaches and team she's been on so far!

The Tuscan Torch pizza at Hideaway (minus the Italian sausage - not a fan)... yum!  This was a dinner with Kristin Michelle where we got to catch up on all of life after missing a few weeks of Wednesday walks!

Truth.  I remind myself often that my choices have an impact, even when they may feel inconsequential.

Same for my thoughts... after a hard stretch, I am working on renewing my mind, and I can tell I'm making progress - thank God!!

Thankful for outdoor walks and a nice nearby park where I feel safe to do that!

Fish tank fun with Jaceman!

It feels insane to me that this picture was taken only two years ago.

God is really speaking to me right in here lately... reading this chapter over and over!

Seeking Him and calling on Him...

❤ ❤ ❤

First Quarter Books

I've listened to eight audiobooks thus far - a solid first quarter of 2026!

(HP full cast book 2 and 3 not pictured.)

Quick recaps/thoughts below...

Awake
(by Jen Hatmaker)

Better than expected.  A timely book about rebuilding your life when some things you've deeply counted on end or fall apart.  This memoir was divided into three sections, beginning with "The End" of her marriage, moving into "The Middle" with messy rebuilding, and finally "The Beginning," where she was growing and embracing the new story - I loved that structure!  Also loved her story about building a big backyard table and learning to cook and intentionally filling her home and feeding her people.  Promptly ordered her cookbook after reading that part.  Her theology is obviously a bit off-base, but this is more of a memoir than a self-help or instructional book, and there are good things to be taken from it.  She's feisty and funny and a strong writer and lovable person!

Anne of Green Gables
(by Lucy Maud Montgomery)

Familiar, fantastic, and heartwarming - and I love that Rachel McAdams reads this one!

Harry Potter Full Cast Audiobooks #1, 2, and 3
(by J.K. Rowling)

Strengthening and light and fun!  Ironically, I still prefer the Jim Dale version to the full-cast audio.  (They made very little effort to cast people who sound similar to the movie characters, and it bothers me.)

Strong Ground
(by Brene Brown)

“Transformation is about building, and it must start with dismantling. The process is deeply personal, disorienting, and almost always involves going backward before speeding forward. We must be willing to confront the off-limits stuff, intentionally and strategically breaking old systems that no longer serve us while fiercely protecting a strong, mission-grounded foundation… I always thought the Phoenix rising was the transformation and the fire was something we had to survive, but I was wrong. The fire is the transformation!” ~Brené Brown (condensed & paraphrased - I loved that chapter!)

Enough
(by Oprah Winfrey and Ania Jastreboff)

This book explains the biology of obesity, the way our brains and bodies work together to maintain a "set point" weight range, making sure that we have "enough" calories/energy by increasing hunger and slowing metabolism whenever our weight drops... driving weight back toward the ingrained "enough point."  They compared this to a thermostat that constantly adjusts to defend the set temperature… so for people with obesity, the rough reality is when you work hard to lose weight, your metabolism slows down and your hunger hormones are activated, naturally pushing your weight back up over time.  Special.  Because modern environments are stressful and full of highly-palatable food, many people experience persistent food noise, meaning constant thoughts about eating + food cravings that make it harder to stick with diets.  That's all I have known, but not everyone thinks that way - some people live free from that preoccupation, and it's those mindset factors that comprise obesity being a disease or diagnosis, and that all makes sense and truly resonates for me.  They explain in scientific detail how GLP-1 medications turn down these internal thermostat settings, working with our biology by mimicking natural gut hormones that signal fullness, quieting the internal food noise, and reducing appetite/cravings, all by lowering our body’s defended weight range so that it works *with us* on our health goals rather than pushing back and resisting weight loss!  Sign. me. up.  (Currently in my first month on Zepbound - more on that later).

The Coddling of the American Mind
(by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt)

This book was a gem (recommended by Jonathan T. from CCU).  About intent versus perception, the  unintentional damage caused by our cultural emphasis on safety, and how to rebuild resilience and raise strong children!

Peak Dormancy

Love the idea of "peak dormancy." lol
I'm leaning into that more than usual this year - allowing myself a real season of rest and healing honestly goes well with my renewal theme.

On a related note, this post was freeing and encouraging.

How kind of FB to celebrate our friendship with zero photos that include me. lolol

Thanks to Mom doing some major house cleaning, I added this gem over my bedroom doorway!  We had these Lindsey Lane and Rachael Road street signs over our 9121 bedrooms for several years, and it makes me happy to see it again!

Mom gave me a box with lots of frames from my old bedroom and pics from my bulletin board - seeing  the Maggiano's pic with JMM in the heart frame made me laugh - I really was the queen of subtlety. lol  Gracious.  The other pic was in our old computer room (9121) before we went to an OSU game together - I remember him driving us in my red convertible with the top down and it being a glittery, super-fun day!

Back to the present... seven workdays in, I can attest that I made a fantastic decision accepting the OCC job.  The training with Andrea was well done, very supportive, and fairly simple to learn... everyone has been really kind... we have never gone past 10:30AM in court thus far... I've been able to work on my book or go outside for long walks or shopping or long lunches or whatever and no one cares... and I've made over $450 for 35 pages of relatively-light transcript work.  Mildly absurd, but I'm sure not complaining!!

Me at The Station around 11AM a couple days ago! =)

"Oh sisters, this is indeed glorious news!!" ~The Reverend Mother, Sister Act

ME! lol  I need it - so tired of the 5:45 darkness.

I need to raise it up a bit, but yay for this painting-style pic of Mom and Dad's Christmas house in my hallway - seeing their decorated tree, their backyard pool view, and our family dinner table brings me lots of joy!! ❤

*Original pic by me on 12-3-25 before Mom's party with the court reporters, then ChatGPT made it a Thomas Kinkade style painting!

Speaking of things that bring me joy, here are the awesome Disney shirts Karli made for her fam this year... couldn't love them more!!

And speaking of Cricut + heat press t-shirts, Rachael LaJo is learning that process and making these teal glitter shirts for Kyndal Faith and her new volleyball team!  More on that ahead.

I'll end this post with a lovely New Year's Day prayer from Judith (my former Compassion child and current FB friend). ❤

If you've come back to read this when I make the blog public again, I applaud you!!  But even if no one does, it comforts me somehow to know these things are documented.

❤ ❤ ❤