Ambiguous Grief

Misunderstood.
Profound loss without closure.
Unclear, ongoing, unresolved grief.
Often unacknowledged and overlooked/dismissed.
Something significant being physically present but emotionally absent.
Something significant being emotionally present but physically absent.
Hard to name, harder to process and move forward.

Examples of Ambiguous Grief:

• Friendship breakups and fade-outs – Exceptionally painful losses that are rarely treated as seriously as romantic breakups, however deep/long the friendship may have been
• Toxic relationships and divorce – Others may say "good riddance" and cheer your decision or minimize the rejection, while you are left quietly grieving a shattered reality
• Cognitive decline (Alzheimer’s, stroke, dementia, etc.) – Watching someone you love fade slowly while still in front of you and needing physical care
• Unmet desires – For marriage, for children, etc.  Deep longings where others often assign blame instead of offering empathy
• Infertility – A child is emotionally present in your desired story, but the love and hope in your heart have nowhere to land
• Addiction or mental illness – Loving someone who can’t or won't fully show up in return
• Missing persons – Living in the ache of not knowing, with their emotional presence and physical absence
• Mourning what might have been – WandaVision said it best: “What is grief, if not love persevering?”   I believe everyone who experiences either traditional or ambiguous grief faces this internal pain... even with traditional grief, there is part of it that is ongoing and often overlooked and unresolved as you struggle to process the emotional presence and physical absence of someone you still love deeply - and all the ways your world might have been different if they were with you today.

Of course, traditional grief has rituals — obituaries, funerals, bereavement leave, supportive meals and cards, a group of people mourning a concrete loss together.  Ambiguous grief doesn't, although the pain can be just as real and consuming.  There is no day set aside, no formal goodbye or built-in support, no official acknowledgement that someone/something that mattered DEEPLY to you is absent... or slowly deteriorating.

For reasons God alone knows (and I trust that He has a purpose in it), I have experienced so. much. of this ambiguous grief -- some that I have processed deeply; some that still lingers and feels unresolved.

There is a lot to be said for resilience and Kingdom hope... I have worked very hard to become someone who embodies joy and grit, who grows through setbacks and trusts the faithfulness of God, who makes the choice to take action and move forward whenever possible!  

If we allow our ambiguous grief to have full rein, we will likely spiral into an isolated depression, feeling unhealthy self-pity and despair.  But we cannot deny/suppress those hard emotions either.  This is where the Great Commandments come in strong.  When we love God with all our hearts and really press into our walk with Him, we grow more confident that we are NEVER alone or unseen, even in our deepest pain.  God's presence and His intimate knowledge of us are an incredible comfort, not a small or intangible thing!  When others fail to empathize or understand or remember our losses, God does.  In the grief that is gradual and complex and mostly overlooked, God is walking with us through every step of that journey.  The day I broke down sobbing in the hospital bathroom after Babah talked about how Grandad was not making any real progress... God was there, steadying me and strengthening me for what lay ahead.

Embracing community and being honest about what we're navigating is also vital.  I have wonderful friends and family who care about me, and I don't have to face any of the above pain alone.  I am deeply grateful for people who listen, even if and when they don’t fully understand.  Keeping grief inside only isolates us, but being honest invites healing.

Today, I am struggling to know what God wants from me, specifically in the adoption journey.  I'm unsure if pressing forward shows faith or foolishness... if letting go would be wisdom or fear.  It’s been setback after setback, and I'm in limbo again after some discouraging news (that my experience of two failed matches in a row is a major anomaly, and the local clinic I was planning on is actually not a partner clinic with them after all).  The low-key ambiguity feels complex and exhausting - repeatedly sitting in the tension of hope and grief, asking for wisdom and craving comfort.

*If you're in this place too — holding an unresolved grief that’s hard to name and process — I see you.  More importantly, God sees you and cares about everything you are feeling.  You are not alone.

In the midst of relatively minor confusion and discouragement, our ultimate hope is in the Lord.  There is a great reward ahead of us, and our souls can be anchored in that hope!  In the meantime, please pray with me for clarity and peace. ❤

Love you and hope you're having a lovely Friday.  And I hope you choose to draw near and feel God’s nearness in return today!!

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him.'  The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him."  ~Lamentations 3:21-25 NLT