Pray continually.
Give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God's will for you
in Christ Jesus.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
If God is not in it, I do not want it.
Lately, I haven’t felt quite okay or like myself. I am overextended, overwhelmed, resisting depression, and numbing with food. I had a moment of clarity while watching Gladys walk down the aisle, silently hoping someone would stop her and feeling trapped by the momentum of her own decisions. I could relate to that feeling, but I realized it is up to me -- I am not stuck, and I have full freedom of choice in every area of life.
A friend who lost her fiancé to suicide reminded me that “everything is figure-outable.” Soon after her video, I saw that quote again -- this time from a cute cowboy mouse on Facebook. It's a good reminder that nothing is set in stone, and God gives wisdom to those who seek Him.
My recent sonogram suggests that another surgery would be needed if I pursue pregnancy and embryo adoption. This pattern of high vulnerability, high expense, and deferred hope has left me feeling numb. I meet with my doctor again on Monday to discuss next steps, but more importantly, I will be seeking God’s guidance here. I don't believe I have ever felt the "not my will but Yours" prayer more sincerely. I feel a reverent level of fear about pushing for my will and pressing toward single parenthood without God's blessing and favor.
I also know that letting go of the motherhood dream would create a real void in my sense of purpose, one that only God could heal and redirect. It would be yet another quiet loss that most people would never notice, but it would profoundly impact my self-perception and daily thought patterns. That hope has been the driving force in most of my major decisions through the past decade, so I would need God's help to face that ambiguous grief, reframe my identity, and embrace His best for me -- whatever that looks like moving forward.
Right now, I feel disconnected, hesitant, and uncertain about all of it -- pursuing adoption, a counseling career, the doctoral path, and/or a future move. Some of this may be spiritual warfare, but it has all reached a point where I cannot ignore it or keep going at this pace. I need to be intentional in my prayers, and I need to take action and make some big decisions in the near future.
My deepest desires remain the same:
To be strong & healthy in mind, body, soul, and spirit
To live in alignment with God’s heart
To lead others with peace and purpose
To leave a meaningful legacy
The method and plan may shift, but those goals will stand firm. I may have unintentionally veered off course latey, so I will be praying for God to clarify the path of life and the race He has marked out for me.
Not seeking advice for now, but Spirit-led prayers are appreciated.
No comments:
Post a Comment