Wait for It!

I'm feeling better already.  Writing is such a good processing outlet for me, and I find ambiguous grief to be interesting and relatable on a personal and professional level.  I'm confident that God is at work, and if the Holy Spirit leads you to pray for me, I would value and appreciate that!

And now, on to the usual Photo Friday fun!! ❤

Sarah and her family came to OKC for a couple days this week, so I met her for a late lunch at The Mule after my adoption matching call (while Steve and Kate stayed at the Science Museum).  It was good to catch up on things as she's on a mini-break between semesters after finishing her first full year of CRNA school!

Annie F. Downs led a Zoom session on Singleness on Tuesday - it was well done, and she and Katie had a lot of encouraging things to say!  Emily and I had a good follow-up talk about that, and my homework before our next session is to research LifeGroups (any church small group Bible studies) that I might wanna join soon!

Okay, I'm still a little surprised by myself on this one, but beyond excited - yay, Life List goals! lol  I booked a solo one-day NYC trip to see a matinee performance of Hamilton on Broadway in September, with Leslie Odom Jr. back as Aaron Burr!  (I know most people won't care or get the magnitude of it, but him being back is a big deal.)  And if any of his former original castmates decide to join him or come watch, ummm, I won't be sad about it. lol  I wanna be in the room where it happens, and I'm willing to wait for it!! ;-)

Naturally, it was very nearly sold out, so I have a partially-obstructed-view box seat on the side of the stage.  (I found a site where it shows your view from different seats and people who've sat there before write in about it, and that was the best one by far of the four seats left.)  I'm SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!  (I also really need American Airlines to come through for me that morning, so praying for that, as well!)  It'll be the first time I've traveled with only a purse.  If all goes according to plan, I'll Uber to the theater district to grab a light lunch, then see the play at the Richard Rodgers Theater from 1-4, grab some Hamilton NY merch (yes, please), grab dinner and dessert at Junior's and/or Serendipity 3, then Uber back to the airport by 7:00 for my 9pm flight. lol  Perfection!

This Instagram post from Levi Lusko was pretty encouraging after the thoughts I shared earlier today!  Love him!

James Clear dropping wisdom!  On this note, I've so enjoyed my post-marathon and Graduation week, but I'm currently feeling very ready to buckle down and dive into a new health/fitness routine on Monday!

Finally picked up my Finisher t-shirt this week, and I love it!!  (They only had extra-smalls left when I reached the Finish Line).

I'm good at this in certain areas, but working on it in others... book writing definitely comes to mind!!  I think I put too much pressure on myself there (shock) to have it be perfect, but I need to treat it more like the blog - writing for friends and family in a way that's fun and honors God and my own values.  All things considered, I need to shut down the critical, perfecionistic Enneagram-1 wing and push into the decisive, determined Enneagram-8 wing side of my personality to make that happen!!

Huzzah for this 12x12 shadowbox frame that hangs in a diamond shape!! ❤

Yay for Tate Haywood winning a character award for Courage!
Happy last day of school to him today!

And finally, hooray for these final pics from my ceremony a week ago today!

Happy Friday, friends and fam!
Keep going - God is with us and for us.
Have a beautiful weekend ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Ambiguous Grief

Misunderstood.
Profound loss without closure.
Unclear, ongoing, unresolved grief.
Often unacknowledged and overlooked/dismissed.
Something significant being physically present but emotionally absent.
Something significant being emotionally present but physically absent.
Hard to name, harder to process and move forward.

Examples of Ambiguous Grief:

• Friendship breakups and fade-outs – Exceptionally painful losses that are rarely treated as seriously as romantic breakups, however deep/long the friendship may have been
• Toxic relationships and divorce – Others may say "good riddance" and cheer your decision or minimize the rejection, while you are left quietly grieving a shattered reality
• Cognitive decline (Alzheimer’s, stroke, dementia, etc.) – Watching someone you love fade slowly while still in front of you and needing physical care
• Unmet desires – For marriage, for children, etc.  Deep longings where others often assign blame instead of offering empathy
• Infertility – A child is emotionally present in your desired story, but the love and hope in your heart have nowhere to land
• Addiction or mental illness – Loving someone who can’t or won't fully show up in return
• Missing persons – Living in the ache of not knowing, with their emotional presence and physical absence
• Mourning what might have been – WandaVision said it best: “What is grief, if not love persevering?”   I believe everyone who experiences either traditional or ambiguous grief faces this internal pain... even with traditional grief, there is part of it that is ongoing and often overlooked and unresolved as you struggle to process the emotional presence and physical absence of someone you still love deeply - and all the ways your world might have been different if they were with you today.

Of course, traditional grief has rituals — obituaries, funerals, bereavement leave, supportive meals and cards, a group of people mourning a concrete loss together.  Ambiguous grief doesn't, although the pain can be just as real and consuming.  There is no day set aside, no formal goodbye or built-in support, no official acknowledgement that someone/something that mattered DEEPLY to you is absent... or slowly deteriorating.

For reasons God alone knows (and I trust that He has a purpose in it), I have experienced so. much. of this ambiguous grief -- some that I have processed deeply; some that still lingers and feels unresolved.

There is a lot to be said for resilience and Kingdom hope... I have worked very hard to become someone who embodies joy and grit, who grows through setbacks and trusts the faithfulness of God, who makes the choice to take action and move forward whenever possible!  

If we allow our ambiguous grief to have full rein, we will likely spiral into an isolated depression, feeling unhealthy self-pity and despair.  But we cannot deny/suppress those hard emotions either.  This is where the Great Commandments come in strong.  When we love God with all our hearts and really press into our walk with Him, we grow more confident that we are NEVER alone or unseen, even in our deepest pain.  God's presence and His intimate knowledge of us are an incredible comfort, not a small or intangible thing!  When others fail to empathize or understand or remember our losses, God does.  In the grief that is gradual and complex and mostly overlooked, God is walking with us through every step of that journey.  The day I broke down sobbing in the hospital bathroom after Babah talked about how Grandad was not making any real progress... God was there, steadying me and strengthening me for what lay ahead.

Embracing community and being honest about what we're navigating is also vital.  I have wonderful friends and family who care about me, and I don't have to face any of the above pain alone.  I am deeply grateful for people who listen, even if and when they don’t fully understand.  Keeping grief inside only isolates us, but being honest invites healing.

Today, I am struggling to know what God wants from me, specifically in the adoption journey.  I'm unsure if pressing forward shows faith or foolishness... if letting go would be wisdom or fear.  It’s been setback after setback, and I'm in limbo again after some discouraging news (that my experience of two failed matches in a row is a major anomaly, and the local clinic I was planning on is actually not a partner clinic with them after all).  The low-key ambiguity feels complex and exhausting - repeatedly sitting in the tension of hope and grief, asking for wisdom and craving comfort.

*If you're in this place too — holding an unresolved grief that’s hard to name and process — I see you.  More importantly, God sees you and cares about everything you are feeling.  You are not alone.

In the midst of relatively minor confusion and discouragement, our ultimate hope is in the Lord.  There is a great reward ahead of us, and our souls can be anchored in that hope!  In the meantime, please pray with me for clarity and peace. ❤

Love you and hope you're having a lovely Friday.  And I hope you choose to draw near and feel God’s nearness in return today!!

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him.'  The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him."  ~Lamentations 3:21-25 NLT

Life in Vibrant Color!

"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation.  Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." ~James 1:12

In a fun unexpected surprise, the fam celebrated my marathon and graduation at our dinner last night -- YAY!! ❤  I love how colorful we are in this pic.*

Rach made me this awesome card commemorating those things - including my marathon bib and race #, the pink shoes with green shoelaces, the sparkly boots, and a Dwight quote!! lol

Mom included a lovely heartfelt letter, and Dad wrote a great note in the card which Kyndal and Jaceman also signed! ❤

Mom also got me these lovely Swarovski crystal earrings (I'm attempting to showcase them in the above pic, but figured I'd include a closeup, as well) - it's something we'd talked about on the Graduation trip, and I love them!! ❤

Kyndal Faith got a new mannequin to practice different hairstyles on... she was enthralled with it yesterday!  Between her and Rachael, I'm confident they'll come up with and practice some awesome new hairstyles!!

Friendly reminder to myself and anyone else in a waiting season...

Friendly reminder to myself and anyone who feels tempted to shrink or play it small...

The Jaceman went with a purple suit for his 6th grade graduation!  It strikes me as perfect for him, and I'm excited to celebrate the end of his elementary years with him next week!! ❤

*The first time Chettles said something about us being "visually loud" or "a loud family," I was caught off guard by it and not sure whether to feel insulted.  The more time has passed, the more funny it is to me that I didn't really see it before! lol  Mom's distaste for white cars and white walls has rubbed off on us, and we for sure all tend to LOVE color and glitter and confetti and sparkly things, cars and clothes and jewelry and shoes and hair and home decor that make a unique and bold statement.  And if I'm being honest, I LOVE that journey for us!! lol #loudandproud #embracetherainbow #slay #bet ;-)

To quote another extra-cheesy teen movie, "Why blend in when you were born to stand out!?"   (Just for the record, it was never intended as an insult - just a casual observation he probably assumed I was fully aware of. lol)

Okay, friends and fam - thanks for being here!  Happy Wednesday to all of you, and happy LAST DAY OF WORK at TAFB to Rachael LaJo!!! ❤  She has 4.5 months of pay and benefits remaining, and she's already completed her medical coding classes, so I'm very confident she'll pass that test and find a great remote job before that time is up!

I'm off to take a neighborhood walk. =)  I hope your day is every bit as vibrant and sparkly and colorful as you want it to be!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Phoning It In #26

I had Princess Diaries on for delightful background noise while writing the Patterns vs. Possibilities blog, then when I finally came in the living room to sit down, Mia had just gotten the birthday note from her secret-prince-Dad.  He was reading: "From now on, you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be.  The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."  It went pretty perfectly with what I'd just written, and the cheesiness of the whole moment made me laugh! lol

P.S. I've seen the movie a hundred times so it shouldn't surprise me, but how young do Anne Hathaway and Mandy Moore look in that picture!?

I got caught up on transcripts and thank-you cards at work yesterday, and I'm grateful for a little downtime this afternoon!  There's one other thing I'd like to clarify/reframe from the previous post.  If God never opens the door for me to become a mom and/or a wife, by no means do I believe that would mean I failed in living out my calling.  My focus needs to be daily faithfulness to God, living in peace, keeping a pure heart and clean conscience and loving others well -- whether married or single.  When I walk with integrity and pray over the things I can't control, God will guard me and keep me from shame and regret - whether married or single.  I'm confident about that, and I'm more and more confident that God will lead me in the path of life He has already planned and marked out for me!

A great pic of Kristin and her youngest three boys! ❤

Sam n Ella's party celebrating Chet Lee's graduation 15 years ago this week!!  I'm beyond grateful for the continuing friendships with Chettles and Jeffrey Edward and their wonderful families!  (Also, I'd love some Sam n' Ella's pizza - it's been a very long time!)

Miss Kyndal Faith at Creation Nation last week (top row) and at Gathering Place during her last club 11s volleyball tournament (bottom row).

The "Screamer Swing" at Creation Nation - she loved it!

And horseback riding... fun!  (Rach made a day trip of it and took all these pics whilst Mom and I were in Colorado).

Meanwhile, Jaceman finally got to FaceTime with Paul Cuffaro, his YouTube hero and fish-loving role model. lol  He sent Mom and I a few photos and a video of their call. =)

In a very random shift, here's Melanie and Caroline at her graduation from Texas A&M last week!  Love them...  I'm determined to see a game at Kyle Field purely because of that podcast!

Chet Lee has been *very busy* with landscaping projects and gardening and flower planting lately... for their neighborhood, their own home, and this KW Red Day project!  Now on to hosting the neighborhood garage sale then the Summer Block Party for all his clients. lol  He's the best!!

Meme that feels accurate for me...

New Marathon frame from Mom - love it!!

I also redid a few of my frames at home! ❤

Miss Holly Marie looking ever so cute and summery in her pink gingham that matches the fantastic roses -- (JEM has also been busy with gardening projects, and their backyard roses look awesome)!

Shea texted these pics after I'd already written my post, so here they are now! =)

Gif from a LivePhoto Mom took while we were walking in.  Sparkly cap for the win - I was not hard to find! lol

I sooo sincerely appreciate Holly buying our dinner at Cherry Creek Grill, and I'm certain most people would've loved this part of it... they were kind enough to split the French Dip sandwich into thirds for us, but I didn't realize that prime rib basically meant raw steak.  I told Chettles that eating red steak registers the very same way in my mind as eating pink chicken.  He looked very concerned and said, "Never eat pink chicken!!" To which I responded just as seriously, "Never eat red steak!" lol  (I get that I'm in the minority there, but it would make me gag and throw up for sure.)  I ate a tiny bit of the bread but couldn't bring myself to have even one bite of the meat.  But I'm sure Holly and/or Jack enjoyed it later, so good enough!  One of many times the fancier version does *not* register as better in my book... Velveeta shells n' cheese trumps most fancy restaurant mac n' cheeses, and I'll stick with Arby's and McAlister's when I want a French dip sandwich, thank you! lol

It's been an absurd back-and-forth cycle with lots of needless waiting, but Rach finally got the official news from Tinker that she qualifies for their deferred resignation program (full pay and benefits through September 30th), and tomorrow will be her final day working at TAFB!!  The end of an era, you might say. ;-)  Yay for celebrating that at family dinner tonight - hopefully it won't involve an unexpected ER trip this time!! lol  Aww, memories.  (Last blood pic, I promise!)

Mmkay, that's all the randomness I have for you today.
I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Patterns vs. Possibilities

One more quick post, then I'm really done for tonight. lol

Who I Believe I Am vs. Who I Know I Can Be

My Patterns vs. My Possibilities

Of all the random memes I’ve scrolled past on Facebook, this one stopped me.  It rings deeply true, and I had to sit with it for a minute.

On one hand, I know who I can be—the woman I believe God is calling me to become...
A woman others see, love, and learn from.
A woman of fierce integrity, willing to take big steps of faith, bold risks for God's calling.
An excellent mother who leads with confidence.
A loving wife who is deeply loved and desired.
A wise counselor who speaks with Godly wisdom.
A teacher who truly cares and makes an impact.
A courageous author who writes with vulnerability and authority.
A whole, healed, wholehearted version of me. ❤

But on another level, I often believe myself to be someone... smaller.
The woman who quietly fades into the background.
Who cuts corners.
Who is hesitant and overly practical when risks are required.
Still waiting for motherhood and doubtful it will ever come.
Shaped by rejection, questioning whether anyone could find me beautiful or choose me.
The competent, behind-the-scenes court reporter—but not a leading voice.
Too entangled in her own mess to offer clarity to anyone else.
The longtime blogger who isn’t sure her words are book-worthy after all.
Fearful.  Stagnant.  Lacking real power.

*******

I know I can be fit and healthy in a balanced way that inspires others and brings me joy.

But I often believe myself to be stuck in unhealthy cycles (which I'll dig into more during my next session with Emily).

Honestly, this is more of a pep talk for myself than anything else—but hopefully it encourages you, too.  This inner tension explains why I’ve felt so stuck.  I want forward progress, and I need to get very intentional about dedicated time with God and renewing my mind through His Word, realigning my heart identity with God's calling for me.

What we believe about ourselves MATTERS.
We cannot embrace change until our identity shifts.

I’m making slow and steady progress lately—and I pray it continues.

If any of this resonates with you, know you are not alone.  Every day presents a choice:  Our old patterns, or our future possibilities.

Choose your best future.
Keep going!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
~Romans 12:2

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Ballet Day!

Speaking of all the amazing kids I have the privilege to love, support, and influence, Miss Parker Elizabeth had a ballet recital with Destiny Dance yesterday.  As you might suspect, it was the very cutest!

❤❤❤

Side note:  I commented while we were at Braum's that I was impressed with how well Parker's lipstick stayed on all night.  Karli sent me the link, and I promptly ordered some on Amazon - yay! lol

What a tiny presh!!  Finding her spot on the tape then waving at her family from the stage. ❤

Karli and Melissa sat closer to the front, and I sat with Teresa and Chet Lee a few rows behind them (and Bill and Tate, who were further down).  It's always good to see Teresa, and it was fun to hear Chet's thoughts and commentary!

A short performance, but epic cuteness.

The joyful grand finale - so many cute costumes!  It was fun to watch all of their performances, honestly!

Pics with her fam and her grandparents afterwards!

Wilsons and Weatherfords - I adore them all!!  For the record, they very kindly invited me to be in this pic, and Melissa gave someone else her phone to take the photo of all of us, but I figured I'd take it too and let them have a full family pic, then get one with Parker after that.  Sadly, she was worn out and started crying right when I knelt down to take a photo. lol  Having said that, our afterparty pics at Braum's are possibly my favorite pics ever with her, so that was worth the wait! =)

I wish this had been a tradition during my CHA days - the Seniors decorating their assigned parking spots is super fun!

Parker enjoying her twist fro-yo cone (whilst avoiding eating any of the cone) and so overjoyed about running into a dance friend!

"Crazy selfie" with the whole Wilson fam!  I really went all out. lol

Tiffany posted this recently, and I saved it.  While my circumstances have not directly changed yet, I can feel resilience and grit and God-given hope rising back up in my spirit, and it's about freaking time!

Song of the Week = Come Jesus Come by CeCe Winans... really powerful lyrics, and her voice is always strong and comforting - Thanks to Chet for introducing me to this one yesterday!

Sample of the lyrics:

Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna break,

But I'm holding on to a hope that won't fade.

Come, Jesus, come.

We've been waiting so long

For the day You return to heal every hurt

And right every wrong.

We need you right now

Come and turn this around.

Deep down, I know this world isn't home.

Come, Jesus, come.

❤ ❤ ❤

Mother's Day 2025!

Happy Mother's Day to Mom and Rachael, and to ALL the moms and mother-figures I know and love and value... it is not a short list!! ❤

The Mini Miss K made Rach this lovely board for Mother's Day!!  Love it and love her!

This has been a major year in my personal life, full of big goals and hard conversations and big emotions and looming transitions, and I'm so grateful for Mom's love and support through it all!! ❤

The front of Rach's card to Mom. lol

Kyndal decorated this envelope for Rachael's card - the "Diet Coke" acrostic with O-mazing and E-asy to trick makes me pretty happy! lol

I've been listening to Ocean's 13 as I blog tonight.  I adore the scene where the 3-minute countdown starts and everyone in the casino is hitting jackpots and winning loads of money - so fun!!  Crazy that it was released way back in 2007 - I had this pic on my bulletin board for years. lol

Do I have some deeper thoughts on Mother's Day?  Of course I do.  Do I feel the need to focus on my feelings and unmet desires on a day that's meant to honor and celebrate the wonderful mothers who are making a difference in the world?  Not so much.  I'm confident in God's timing and love, and I'm grateful for all the Moms who have helped shape my life and for all the amazing kids I have the privilege of loving and supporting!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

❤ ❤ ❤