Breaking the Cycle

Emily and I talked again tonight...

I mentioned my nervous system feeling fried and on edge... that I haven't cried much but feel like tears are right at the surface, that all the little things feel heightened in their importance and weight right now.

(A fairly normal reaction after a pivotal year and the very heavy decision I have faced this past month - she encouraged me to be gentle and have grace with myself.)

I am confident in my decision to close the chapter, and I am moving toward peace and calm and stability, but the nervous system is not an on/off switch, and I'm absolutely still in the process of calming down and resetting my nervous system.

I told Emily I've been questioning myself about the doctoral program over the past week, wrestling internally and wondering if I'm making the right decision there.  I said I am really struggling to trust myself in either direction and wanting to avoid any big moves or major decisions in this recovery season.

She carefully asked whether it might be possible that my nervous system has become so accustomed to me being in a state of indecision and limbo that self-doubt feels like the most familiar path - (something I naturally default back into without much conscious awareness).

Umm, wow, yes!!  Having recognized a similar tendency to choose chaos in another friend, I knew exactly what she was talking about, and hearing that was an immediate epiphany for me!  I'm not sure how I never recognized it in myself before, but we often have blind spots in our own lives that are much easier for others to see clearly from an outside perspective.  (Hence, the need for the counseling profession).

Anyway, that resonated!  For years now, in any number of major and minor decisions, this state of internal chaos and self-doubt, deeply questioning myself has become the very exhausting but familiar course for me, struggling to trust my own intuition or ability to make good decisions, trusting others more naturally than I trust myself, and consistently looking for outside validation and support.

And that's not coming from God.

And it's not based in truth.

And it's not serving me.

Awareness is key, so I'm grateful!!

And I'm going to be working to stay aware of that dynamic, be gentle with myself, and build up my self-trust and inner peace/confidence.

❤❤❤