The Will to Live

I hosted LifeGroup this afternoon... it was me, Natalie, and Josie, and we had a pretty in-depth talk that lasted almost three hours!  I also made these, a classic summer treat in my book. =)

Whilst I was enjoying Chet's party in Tulsa yesterday, my parents were being awesome and getting my porch and flower bed company-ready (unprompted and unexpected - but I'm very grateful)!  Pics are thanks to the doorbell camera. =)

Just a meme that made me laugh!

I'm a fan of Matt Damon (forever Jason Bourne in my book), Anne Hathaway, and especially Tom Holland, but I still did *not* love The Odyssey.  I'd write more on that, but it feels like a waste of energy.

Another meme I saved that caught my attention.

Okay, diving deeper.  One year ago yesterday, I officially signed the contract as the adoptive mother to two frozen-embryo babies.  

(I have a screenshot of the paperwork, but there are too many personal details there to share it publicly.)

I'll acknowledge that all of my emotions are heightened and a little extra-sensitive at this time of the month, but I am feeling real grief today and trying to be gentle with myself.  It's hard for me to look back at the blog posts from July of 2025 - I had just started the PhD program, I had opened a website and I was counseling several new clients at ITS, I had an appointment with Dallas IVF where I was (mistakenly) cleared for the embryo transfer, and I was so full of hope and joy and nervous excitement for all the great things ahead.  I feel deeply aware of all the potential imagined futures that I will not get to live out, and that feels hard right now.  

It honestly makes it hard to set new goals and get my hopes up today... and I know this isn't the first time I've written about that here, but I'm still processing some of it (and that's okay).  It's normal to feel fresh waves of grief at the one-year mark.  And I'm working through that, doing my best to trust that God was working things out for my good and His glory back then and now, and I can keep moving forward with hope and confidence in His goodness, believing He is leading me toward a hope and a bright future with Him.  

Ironically, that is much, much easier for me to believe in the overarching perfected Kingdom of Heaven sense than the messy-here-on-earth sense.  It's a good and rare thing to have that ultimate hope so centered in my heart, but I need a bit more grounded hope for my life HERE and now - that is sketchy at the moment.

Between reading through Job recently, praying for Nancy's situation, hearing Josie's story today, and the recent news on Tina's husband, I've been thinking a lot about long roads to recovery, the will to live, and the sovereignty of God.

"You can make many plans,
but the Lord's purpose will prevail." 
~Proverbs 19:21

I believe that is meant to be comforting, not threatening or ominous, but it is undoubtedly hard when our hopes, efforts, and plans come to nothing.  Still, I am also working on remembering who I am, what I value most, and what I hope to be known for in the end.  As well as praying about how to better align my heart with God's higher purpose for me and the world at large.

Also reminding myself that there are people I deeply respect who sincerely believe in me and see something real that God put inside me to help others... a PROFOUNDLY encouraging thought right now.

It is genuinely okay if motherhood and marriage are not a part of God's best plan for me.

(It would be okay if counseling and/or getting a doctorate and/or publishing a book are not either.)

But I desperately want to live a life that matters in an eternal sense,
that is fruitful and God-honoring and relationally rich.

And I'm excited to have some quiet time to really connect with God and lean into seeking Him over the next couple weeks.  I'm throwing out the mental to-do list and putting that front and center during the Alaska cruise ahead.  It feels like such good timing.  (Prayers appreciated).

Okay, friends.  I love you and believe in you.  I am cheering for you, and I'm thankful that our God is kind and gentle with us when we are hurting.  I believe there is a great cloud of witnesses who are cheering us on -- some in Heaven and some on earth -- so take courage, and keep moving forward.  Our emotions can distort the truth, so don't let them rule you.  God is with us and for us day by day, with good plans in mind for each of us, both when we meet Him in Heaven and right here on earth!!

"Let us press on to know Him."

❤ ❤ ❤