Letting Go & Holding On

This was not the most stressful season of my life, but it was absolutely the most consequential decision I've ever been called to make.  It involved a lot of prayer and inner wrestling and seeking wise counsel.  To massively summarize it, I have decided to let go of my adoption plan while holding firmly to my faith in God's bigger plan. ❤

Emily and I talked about the "sunk cost fallacy" last week.  Sometimes, we keep pushing and investing in something we know is not working purely because of how much we've already put into it.  This is often the case in abusive marriages, bad relationships, and other misaligned decisions.  I will try to be more aware of that dynamic as life moves forward, making the wise choice as early as possible!

My harmony-loving Enneagram 9 self was on the far end of the stress spectrum through most of August and September.  Now I'm taking a breather to calm my frazzled nervous system before I make a 4th quarter comeback toward growth!!

A lovely Lake Hefner jog after my CBD oil & hot stone massage on Saturday!

#therapyhomework #arealquickyes

Reminding myself of this over and over...

"David, nobody cares!" -Alexis Rose

(Not that nobody cares about me, but that no one is analyzing my life or judging my every decision in the way I occasionally imagine.  They're busy dealing with their own lives, and I am free to do what is right for me. And to let them think whatever they want about it.)

A key verse God used to speak to me lately.

Seeing our new "In God We Trust" on the courthouse while I'm out walking in Norman always makes me happy (this = the ground view from The Well right across the street from my office windows).

People guessed that today's look was for Halloween or OSU,

but it's just more T-Swift inspired orange brightness! =)

Let's hope so...

Truly, I'm saving most of the details for a future book, but this was not a small thing to me.  It has been heavy and hard, and I was not okay for a bit.  I am deeply grateful for the patience, wise counsel, and encouragement of Chet Lee, Mom,  Emily, and Kristin.  I'm gradually seeing the light at the end of this tunnel now, but still in the process of buttoning things up to close this lengthy and confusing chapter... while figuring out what my new chapter of life may look like and where to plant my focus moving forward.

I do not know what that will look like yet.  But in a way that feels real and substantive to me, I trust that God has good things in store.

Wednesday walk with Kristin last week - happy to get back into that routine!!

It made me smile to see this and imagine myself stopping on the course to trace this random pumpkin whilst breathing deeply.  I wouldn't put it past me. lol

"Anxiety isn't the problem.  It's the alarm."  This feels true for me (I feel jittery and anxious when things are out of alignment).  I am working on trusting myself and paying attention to what my body is telling me more quickly on things like that!

Happy 45th Birthday to Jeffrey Edward, a real JEM of a friend for the past 15+ years!!

(These pics from his 33rd bday party still make me happy!) ❤

Happy Belated Birthday (57 yesterday, 10-6) to Mel Robbins!!  What a gift her podcast and books and 2024 Launch program have been for me... excited to get to see her live in Dallas next April!  ❤

Happy Belated Bday (36 on 10-5) to Travis Kelce! lol

And finally, Happy Belated Jesus-year Birthday (33 on 10-2) to Rachel Elizabeth, a fellow Swiftie and fun friend!  I'm excited to see the Shoemaker fam in Tulsa again next month!! ❤

That's all for now.

As Jeffrey would say,

"Make it a great day!"

❤❤❤

Dancing Through the Lightning Strikes

"This is a temporary speed bump,

But failure brings you freedom,

And I can bring you love!

Don't you sweat it, baby, 

It's all right!  

You were dancing through the lightning strikes!

Sleepless in the onyx night,

But now the sky is opalite!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my Lord,

Never met no one like you before.

You had to make your own sunshine,

But now the sky is opalite!"

❤❤❤

So I say, "Thank you for the lovely bouquet!

I'm married to hustle,

And now I know the life of a showgirl, babe

And I'll never know another!

Pain hidden by the lipstick and lace.

Sequins are forever, 

And now I know the life of a showgirl, babe.

Wouldn't have it any other waaaaaaay!"

~Taylor Alison Swift

For real, though. =)

Bejeweled jeans and boots + friendship bracelets + orange cardigan + white cherry icee = movie ready! lol Let's freaking go! ❤

October 3rd is also known as "Mean Girls Day," so the Kelce bros recreated this meme from that movie, and it brings me so. much. joy!! lol

After my FB post, Tiffany texted saying she loved that I wore an orange cardigan for the movie.  I told her thanks for noticing because I bought it just because of this movie and felt slightly ridiculous. lol  She said she did the same thing, along with a mint-green shirt and matching earrings. lolol  Swifties understood the assignment!!

"It's a good thing I like my friends cancelled.

I salute you if you're much too much to handle!

...Now they've broken you like they've broken me,

But a shattered glass is a lot more sharp,

And now you know exactly who your friends are.

(You know who we are)

We're the ones with matching scars."

Enough of this tortured poet nonsense.

Welcome back, vibrant and happy T-Swift! lol

Your long-time fans had missed you!! 

❤✌

Did I enjoy the Release Party in a theater full of Swifties who clapped after every song!?

YES, on Friday then again on Saturday! lol  There were several adorable little girls in my theater, so I was grateful she went with the non-explicit, kid-friendly version of all the songs for the movie!  It's basically the equivalent of MTV's Making the Video (aww memories), a behind the scenes look at her Fate of Ophelia music video, then simple lyric videos with her talking briefly about how she wrote the other 11 songs.  Yet it made $33 million and took the #1 spot during the one weekend it was in theaters. lol  Love that journey for her! #marketinggenius

Do I love every song on this new album (TS12 - her 12th album with 12 new tracks)?  

No.  Personally, I could really do without Father Figure and Wood, and I agree with Laura that it's cringe and unnecessarily crass in those places. But I took those two off of my playlist and grabbed the clean version of everything else, and I'm loving it!  I immediately adored the title track, Opalite, Actually Romantic, and Cancelled... and Eldest Daughter, Wish List, and The Fate of Ophelia are all growing on me!  I'm already excited for her 13th album, as that is historically her favorite number and will be the first one made while she's been engaged and/or married.  It promises to be interesting - I'd love to see her dive back into country music, just for fun!

Do I feel genuine love and an interesting sense of loyalty toward Taylor Alison Swift?

Absolutely!  I am cheering for her and happy for every bit of joy and success she gets in life, and I'm very glad this album is a more joyful, uplifting, cheesy-fun-pop vibe than the last few.  It's been a good album to jog to as I'm getting back into that!!

It's a fun season for Swifties.  Among other record-breaking events, Taylor currently has:

• The biggest first-week sales for an album in US history
• The biggest single-day song streams in Spotify history
• The only artist this century to simultaneously top the song, album, and movie charts in the US in the same week
• Only album in history to debut all its tracks in the top 20 on US Apple Music
• Only album in history to occupy the entire top 12 on US Apple Music for multiple days

Song of the Week = The Life of a Showgirl by Taylor Swift, featuring Sabrina Carpenter

❤ ❤ ❤

Last One for Today

Okay, back to lighter and happier topics... here's a sunny pic from the Jaceman's CHA football game last night!  Mom videoed every play he was in (70+ videos), Rach cheered hard, and I was generally oblivious to what was happening on the field, but happy to be there!  (Dad came late after a golf tournament and left early because his friend, Rick, is in the hospital.)

Miss K hanging out with her friend's little sister... cuteness! =)

Post-game pic... the ladies of the fam with Jace Michael! 
(Photo by K-Faith, who objected to being in it.)

Mother/Son pic!

Just a CHA t-shirt I liked!

Truth.

More truth - I'm in a pruning season, and that's okay.
Also, on the right is my random plant from Trader Joes that is growing and doing well! =)

Goals.  "Be brave enough to imagine what could go right!"

Some CHA pics from "See You At The Pole Day."  It feels poignant to think of students gathering early to pray for our country... then seeing the close-up pic with some obvious bored expressions, tired yawns, and eyerolls made me laugh.  (Still great that they showed up!)

A CCU campus pic that made me happy!

I am planning to take a blogging break for most of the month ahead, so I wanted to be fully caught up here tonight!  I hope you've had a lovely September.

❤ ❤ ❤

Septembers I Remember

As a past-oriented Ennegram 9 (something interesting I learned about in Suzanne's book this month), I like to look for patterns.  

In spite of my genuine love for football season, Fair food, and Fall fun with friends and family, September has historically been a bit of a sad month for me...

2001 – My Senior year at CHA, crystalized memories of watching the national news in Mrs. Young’s office on September 11th

2002 – Trying to find my footing as a new college student at OBU; unsure of my major and not loving the bug-filled dorm room; very much missing my family and CHA friends

2010 – Frustrated with single life and shifting relationships; wrote my first blog post contemplating single motherhood (15th)

2012 – Struggling through a difficult Statistics class at SNU-Tulsa

2013 – Got my printed SNU diploma the same day Malori confirmed our friendship was over (9-6); Lots of grief over that ending + lots of time with newborn Kyndal Faith

2014 – Came off of the antidepressant medication; Walked out of a crazy “prayer ministry” cult (9-19)

2015 – Received a maddening rejection email from SNU’s master’s degree program (reason still unknown) on the day of Sarah’s monkey bread fiasco (9-25)

2016 – Gradually reconnected with a newly-married friend after not speaking for seven months

2019 – Handwriting thank-you notes with Mom after Grandad’s funeral

2020 – Malori announced her family was moving back to OKC, which ironically meant increasing tension and disconnection in our friendship

2021 – Car wreck in Ruby Claire just before my first home study with Shay at 522; (also finished my first adoption profile book)

2022 – Touring my nearly-complete new construction Taber home; lab work and IUI appointments at OU Reproductive; processing some negative pregnancy tests on my own

2023 – Adjusting to the busier schedule with my internship at Restore; Babah’s rapid decline, hospice, death, and memorial service

(The FB memory that got me thinking about this pattern today.  I so love these pics of the Wilson fam!)

2024 – A jarring, friendship-altering conversation on the 3rd; my video interview for a CCU professor job (never heard back); the death of Maggie Smith

2025 – More vulnerable and emotionally-painful Dallas IVF appointments; feeling overwhelmed and under-motivated in multiple areas of life; paused my candidacy hours; briefly researched surrogacy; finally closed the embryo adoption chapter

Even in my current state of mild exhaustion, I feel deeply aware that God's grace has been consistent in every melancholy element and painful season of my life, and I'm grateful He has blessed me with dependable friends and family!

I'm also very grateful that we get to start fresh with a new month tomorrow!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Brilliant Books!

1.  I've Never Been Here Before: Our Family's Year of Budget Travel, Wandering the World, and Finding the Sacred by Ashley Campbell

I adore Ashley and love her photos and perspective and family stories, and I highly recommend this book (full post HERE).  An audiobook version is not yet available, but I had Gwyneth Paltrow's voice read it to me on Speechify, and that was pretty great! =)

2.  Supersurvivors: The Surprising Link Between Suffering and Success by David Feldman and Lee Kravetz

A Dr. Burkhart recommendation that aligns well with my interests!  I will always love stories of resilient people who overcome hardship and live lives that have a great impact!!

3.  Hero on a Mission: A Path to a Meaningful Life by Donald Miller

It was good to revisit this one for my Leadership class presentation.  This book (and the 2012 precursor to it, Storyline) changed the course of my life.  I will forever be grateful to Donald Miller for his perspective and his inspiring journey!  Original blog post HERE.

4.  The Journey Toward Wholeness: Enneagram Wisdom for Stress, Balance, and Transformation by Suzanne Stabile

Good wisdom for each of the nine personality types on the Enneagram - she talks about how we react to stress and how to let go of our defense mechanisms and become more whole and healed.  I took pages of notes about the Ennegram 9 (me).  Side note: As a Tulsa-loving 9 with a dominant 1-wing and inferior 8-wing, it makes me happy that my personality is 918.

"Nines have the least energy of any type on the enneagram… they want to keep out anything that might steal their peace and keep in anything that might cause trouble! Notice how often you choose not to say something that you believe could cause fragmentation.  Nines desire to be unaffected by life, especially conflict.  Healthy nines serve as peacemakers and mediators.  It's a joy to encounter nines when they are secure and well-integrated.  When nines are stressed, they disengage.  They may temporarily lose the optimism and faith that normally sustains them.   The unconscious childhood message for 9s is: It's not okay to assert yourself.  But it is okay.  Part of your work and responsibility is to find a way to make your thoughts and feelings known to others, even those who might disagree.  Please consider giving up your tendency to erase yourself, and choose participation instead.

Change is when we take on something new.  Transformation occurs when something old falls away... The wisdom teachers I respect insist that all great spirituality is about letting go.  Could you develop a plan for allowing pain from your past to fall away?  You might be surprised with the energy that is the result of letting go!

Nines are well loved… We appreciate the gift you have of seeing two sides to everything and the way it equips you for mediation between people who want to get along but can't...  You are thoughtful and loyal and treasured by almost all the people who know you.  It's heartbreaking when you think you are unimportant or that what you offer is something anyone else could have contributed.  Your presence matters.  And if you don't remember anything else from this chapter, please remember that.” ❤

5.  The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath and Dan Heath

Another Dr. Burkhart recommendation that I really enjoyed!  They encourage us to be intentional about creating defining moments by prioritizing elevation (a vivid and extraordinary atmosphere), pride (validating and celebrating achievements and growth), insight (learning something new), and connection (a memorable shared experience that leads to good conversation)!  The EPIC acronym helps me remember that.  *Fun fact: Dr. Burkhart told me they redesigned the CCU Residency weekends after he read this book, and I can confirm that it was effective!

6.  Younger Next Year, for Women: Live Like You're 50 - Strong, Fit, Sexy - Until You're 80 and Beyond by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge

A Facebook recommendation from Dana Logsdon.  Their tone and delivery leave something to be desired, but the authors had a lot of great practical advice!  Their strongest and most repeated advice backed by loads of scientific research was to build a keystone habit of working out for 45 minutes six days a week (getting good cardio 4 days a week and strength training 2 days a week).  I'm taking that to heart as life moves forward!

7.  Boundaries for Leaders: Why Some People Get Results and Others Don't by Dr. Henry Cloud

A little tedious, but there was a lot of good insight here.  It led to a lot of me pondering where and how I might be called to lead.

8.  The Wedding People: A Novel by Alison Espach

Not a Christian book, but it was recommended by Katie and Ashley in my lifegroup (just bc they enjoyed it).  This one hit me kinda like The Authenticity Project.  The main character is Phoebe, a detail-oriented, intelligent, and quietly depressed single woman in her early 40s who decides life isn't really worth living anymore after years of painful fertility struggles and bad relationship endings and slowly realizing her dream of motherhood will probably never happen and that all the hard work and time she put into her doctorate was barely interesting to her anymore and she is mostly unfulfilled by her work as a college literature professor.  Nope, not kidding.  Following a relational betrayal and the death of a beloved pet, she books an expensive solo trip to a fancy hotel to have a fantastic 'last meal' before taking pills to quietly end her life.  She soon realizes she is the only hotel guest who is not there for the extravagant wedding happening that weekend... and she gradually and reluctantly meets several new people who change her perspective, including a kind widower with a young daughter who misses her mom.  (Yes, please.)  There are a few things I would have left out, but overall, it's well written and relatable with a good redemptive arc in the end.  The emphasis is on our ability to change our minds and shift our course to create a vastly different life that makes us happier and more energized, which feels encouraging to me even now!

9.  Write Your Story: A Simple Framework to Understand Yourself, Your Story, and Your Purpose in the World by Allison Fallon

My second time through this one (also to help with my Leadership presentation).  I love this framework and plan to use it soon!

Happy Tuesday, friends, and happy reading!

❤ ❤ ❤

Living Proof

I was very grateful to attend the Living Proof Live event with Beth Moore and her team this weekend!  I bought the ticket months ago and was going on my own, then I ran into Kantrell just after getting out of my car, so I sat with her and Amber both days.  This = our pic on Saturday morning... living proof that God redeems! ❤

Worship with Travis Cottrell is always good... this whole conference makes me want to join them for the Alaska cruise next summer!!  

We sat in the very back row on Friday night!

Beth introducing her 16-year-old granddaughter, Anna Beth.  I for sure remember being in a Bible study of hers when Amanda was pregnant with this girl, so it made me happy to see her there!

*Friday was the two-year anniversary of Babah's funeral, where I wrote the obituary and led the prayer and eulogy at her graveside and memorial service.  Looking back, I feel grateful for that opportunity and proud that I stepped up for it.

Ran into Laura and Angie, friends from Kelly's Diving Deeper Women's Lifegroup of yesteryear!!  Good to catch up with them while we snacked on SkinnyPop Popcorn during our 30-minute break on Saturday morning!

Beth is the best!  (She had a surgery that made it difficult for her to kneel and get back up on stage, so a friend of hers built this bench so that she could continue her tradition of kneeling in prayer at the beginning of every event!)

Beth taught on Ecclesiastes... not what I would have expected, but of course, it was good!  I was laughing because I really wanted a very clear "Let go" or "Hold on" theme, and instead I got the vague, "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away" passage, along with several peppy reminders from the teacher in Ecclesiastes that much of what happens under the sun is meaningless, senseless, futile, vain, absurd, and out of our control.  Beth said this book gives us "a soulmate in our anguished doubt."  That and her encouragement to keep an "above the sun perspective" were honestly well-timed.  Ironically, I was at the Beth Moore live event in Tulsa on this very same weekend in 2013 (yay FB memories)... I have loved her books and Bible studies for 20+ years, and I am deeply grateful for Beth's influence in my life and my walk with Christ!!

I stayed at the Southern Hills Marriott on Friday night, which was a solid call.  The Friday night session ended at 9:30, then Saturday, we started back at 8am.  After we dismissed at noon, I met Tiffany Joanne and Laura Allison for lunch at McAlister's!  We celebrated Tiffany's life and the one-year anniversary of the life-saving surgery (removing blood clots from her lungs), and we talked and caught up on life and work for over three hours.  It was good to connect with them!!

From there, I headed to Melissa's to watch the second half of the OSU-Baylor game with Melissa and Karli and the kids whilst Chettles finished showing some nearby Executive Homes!  Parker Elizabeth was in a fun and cuddly mood that day, which was a delight to my soul. =)

This = her being proud of her kid's menu artwork! lol #preshface

We had dinner at Los Cabos, always a favorite for me!  We were able to get in without a wait if we sat on the covered patio, which was lovely other than the band being incredibly close and loud.  They took a break through the main part of our meal, so we were able to talk without yelling during that time. lol  Tate was very into his book, and Parker was watching the band pretty closely.

Just a little light reading under the waterfall! lol  I like that this is not a posed candid - he was just genuinely into the book on that level. =)

For those close enough to pay attention to this saga, I'm grateful that you care.  After LOTS of prayer and back-and-forth inner wrestling and hard conversations and personal journaling and seeking clarity, I have decided to close the chapter on the embryo adoption journey.  I'm not closing my heart to motherhood, but not putting myself through any more physical, mental, and emotional hurdles on this particular route.  I am tired of life feeling "on pause," so finally making a decision and being able to move forward accordingly is a relief at this point, but there is grief that comes with it too.

For now, I'm going to process this privately, but we all know I'm likely to write more about it down the road.  Truly, thank you for your support and understanding, both now and through the past several years as I took serious steps to pursue this goal, which became a catalyst for so many other positive life changes!  This is a hard part of my story, but not in the way I imagined.  God's grace is very present and sufficient.  I believe He is with me and for me, and I trust that He has good and hopeful things planned for my future even now... prayers for peace are appreciated as I heal and seek to honor God with my life moving forward!

The same holds true for you.

God is faithful, and His mercy is new today - lean into that!

❤ ❤ ❤