Polar Bear Plunge

I am taking this afternoon to map out a game plan for my book - brainstorming and using post-it notes and laying out the sections, chapter titles, and table of contents as clearly as I can at this early stage.  What I know for sure is that I want the overarching theme to be STRONG OVER SMALL and to divide the stories into four sections: Mind (mental health, personality), Body (physical health, surgery, dieting, strength training), Soul (relational and emotional health, learning to allow/embrace strong emotions like grief and anger, rejection stories + growing in relational security), and Spirit (spiritual health, church stories, and ongoing walk with God).  Talking about places where I used to shrink myself, think small, hide, minimize my needs, and make myself smaller... versus how I am learning to embrace a growth mindset and press into my strengths, take up space, speak up for myself, shine, be strong, and live a more meaningful life (for myself and God and others).  Exciting to think about the big picture; it will be challenging for me to write the details, but a good and welcome kind of challenge.

Having said that, I plan to really jump into the regular writing routine (along with the healthier eating and official workout routines) when I get back from Disney World next week!  ...We finished in court by 8:40 this morning, then I went out to grab breakfast since it was well ahead of the 10:30 mark - fun, and now I am home in my cozy PJs listening to the new full-cast Harry Potter audiobook #1, and I decided to catch up on blogging because I always feel better when life is appropriately documented.  What a fantastic start to the day!! =)

* * * * * * *

So rewinding the clock a week to last Thursday, it was New Year's Day, and Chettles decided to host the first annual Polar Bear Plunge event!!  This = a post-jumping photo:  Kyle, Katherine (kudos to her for being the only woman brave enough to try this!), Evan, Chettles, Tate, Foster, Uriah, and David!

Karli Marie made tortilla soup, chili, mac n' cheese, and Olive Garden's zuppa toscana soup, along with pigs-in-a-blanket, cornbread, focaccia bread, and various soup toppings!  So good!!  I grabbed cupcakes and brownies from Reasor's, and Katherine and Melissa brought homemade cookies.  Needless to say, everyone found something they enjoyed and we ate well!

Parker Elizabeth and I opted for a hard pass on the cold pool invitation. =)

It was fun to watch, though!!

The moment of truth! lol  (Uriah jumped in when his dad had turned around to catch him. ❤)

Girls table - I had a good talk with Laura Allison, Teresa, Jessica, Sarah, and Katherine (who's not in this particular pic).

Fortunately, the general outdoor weather wasn't as bitterly cold as the pool, so it was a nice day for bouncy house fun for the kids!

I hung back for a bit to chat with the Wilsons about our upcoming Disney trip... then I grabbed Laurannae cupcakes for myself and the fam (then drove to Mom and Dad's to share them).

After a mildly sad NYE, it was a lovely first day of 2026!

❤ ❤ ❤

Peak Dormancy

Love the idea of "peak dormancy." lol
I'm leaning into that more than usual this year - allowing myself a real season of rest and healing honestly goes well with my renewal theme.

On a related note, this post was freeing and encouraging.

How kind of FB to celebrate our friendship with zero photos that include me. lolol

Thanks to Mom doing some major house cleaning, I added this gem over my bedroom doorway!  We had these Lindsey Lane and Rachael Road street signs over our 9121 bedrooms for several years, and it makes me happy to see it again!

Mom gave me a box with lots of frames from my old bedroom and pics from my bulletin board - seeing  the Maggiano's pic with JMM in the heart frame made me laugh - I really was the queen of subtlety. lol  Gracious.  The other pic was in our old computer room (9121) before we went to an OSU game together - I remember him driving us in my red convertible with the top down and it being a glittery, super-fun day!

Back to the present... seven workdays in, I can attest that I made a fantastic decision accepting the OCC job.  The training with Andrea was well done, very supportive, and fairly simple to learn... everyone has been really kind... we have never gone past 10:30AM in court thus far... I've been able to work on my book or go outside for long walks or shopping or long lunches or whatever and no one cares... and I've made over $450 for 35 pages of relatively-light transcript work.  Mildly absurd, but I'm sure not complaining!!

Me at The Station around 11AM a couple days ago! =)

"Oh sisters, this is indeed glorious news!!" ~The Reverend Mother, Sister Act

ME! lol  I need it - so tired of the 5:45 darkness.

I need to raise it up a bit, but yay for this painting-style pic of Mom and Dad's Christmas house in my hallway - seeing their decorated tree, their backyard pool view, and our family dinner table brings me lots of joy!! ❤

*Original pic by me on 12-3-25 before Mom's party with the court reporters, then ChatGPT made it a Thomas Kinkade style painting!

Speaking of things that bring me joy, here are the awesome Disney shirts Karli made for her fam this year... couldn't love them more!!

And speaking of Cricut + heat press t-shirts, Rachael LaJo is learning that process and making these teal glitter shirts for Kyndal Faith and her new volleyball team!  More on that ahead.

I'll end this post with a lovely New Year's Day prayer from Judith (my former Compassion child and current FB friend). ❤

If you've come back to read this when I make the blog public again, I applaud you!!  But even if no one does, it comforts me somehow to know these things are documented.

❤ ❤ ❤

New Year, New Outlet

Happy New Year!! ❤

It's been a light and fun day connecting with God + friends + family + audiobooks and eating some great food!

Friends, this will be my first and last blog post for 2026.

Famous last words, I know, but I'm going to try to stick to that.

For lots of reasons, I believe this is the right season for me to let this go (taking it down on 1-7-25).

To put my considerable writing energy into a memoir book.

To take a deep breath and trust that the world will go right on spinning and my single life will still have value even if every moment and decision ahead is not witnessed or publicly documented.

To recognize that this has typically been a one-sided conversation that built a false sense of intimacy for me - the strong relationships and Kingdom purpose I desire will not be achieved here.

To stop performing or feeling pressure to live up to a certain image based on the expectations of others or of past versions of myself.  To release people from any pressure to prove they care for me by reading this content; to free myself from unfair judgement and unnecessary pain or insecurity.

To keep growing and healing and to live with more freedom based on my values, beliefs, and desires today at age 41... not feeling boxed in by the viewpoints and hopes I sincerely expressed here at age 24 or 33 or 38.

We can do hard things.

THANK YOU for being here with and for me through the past 15+ years.
It mattered to me very deeply.

For one last time here, I love you and believe in you, and I’m confident God has wonderful things ahead for each of us, and the best is yet to come!!

❤ ❤ ❤

A Time to Keep and a Time to Cast Away

Happy New Year's Eve!! ❤

This = tonight's Wednesday walk with Kristin and a pic by the train at The Station - if you blur your eyes, it kinda looks like NYE fireworks going off behind us! lol

Happy trees and my favorite verse as today's verse of the day!

Jace and TJ riding the bikes they got for Christmas (and Kyndal joining them for a bit)!  They rode from Rachael's house to Mom's house, which sounds slightly worrisome to me, but I'm sure they had fun!

Okay, the following prompts are courtesy of ChatGPT, who I often wanna call Chattles, but that would just get confusing. lol

❤️ Best of 2025

• Best Decision I Made This Year:  Setting boundaries and sticking with a difficult no

• Best Yes I Said (Even Though It Scared Me):  Joining the PhD Program

• Best Trip / Day / Moment:  My solo trip to NYC / Relay Marathon + Friendsgiving #14 / Reaching onederland for the first time since 2009

• Best Book That Changed How I Think:  Collective Illusions

• Best Podcast:  Mel Robbins & David Kessler or Craig Groeschel (Leadership Podcast) & Vanessa Van Edwards 

• Best Laugh:  The ER trip with Rach

• Best New Restaurant / Comfort Food:  Paul's Place / Laurannae cupcakes

• Most Life-Giving Relationship:  Friendship with Chet Lee

• Most Unexpected Encourager:  Dr. Burkhart

• Most Meaningful Goodbye:  My long phone call with Kristen Harriss the week before she died

• Most Honest Prayer:  None of this makes sense - where are You?

• Most “God Was Quiet but Present” Season:  August

• Biggest Shift in What I’m Asking God For:  Asking for renewed security in Him

• Most Healing Scripture or Truth:  "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." -1 Timothy 1:7

• What I’m Leaving in 2025:  Striving to prove my value within the church through motherhood and/or marriage

• What I’m Carrying Forward:  God-given value

• What I’m Still Becoming:  Securely attached

• One Word I’m Choosing for Next Year:  Renewal

• One Thing I’m No Longer Rushing:  Family

• One Thing I’m Saying Yes to Next:  Peace

• The Decision That Taught Me the Most:  Adopting the Embryos

• Most Unexpected Plot Twist:  Turning down two good counseling job offers and taking another court reporting job for now

• Best Moment That Wasn’t on My 2025 Bingo Card:  Dr. Burkhart saying I would be a great professor and being willing to personally mentor me

• Hardest Thing I Did—and Survived:  Quietly walking away from my decade+ adoption plan and trying to make sense of that whole journey

• Most Proud-of-Myself Moment:  The cold and rainy February day when I rallied and ran 14 miles on my own (my longest run ever up to that point) - of all my runs this year, that one required the most inner grit

• Most “Why Did I Say Yes?” Moment:  Hitting the mental wall during Mile 22 of the Full Marathon - grateful I pushed through it

• Most Spiritually Stretching Season:  August & September

• Biggest Lesson I Didn’t See Coming:  That I am good with kids, and I can trust that (Epiphany on Epiphany post), and because of that, I don't have to strive or prove my value within the church through motherhood

• Most Peace I’ve Felt All Year:  Immediately after making the decision to close the door on embryo adoption - that peace lasted about 24 hours before I got very caught up in the whirlwind of spiritual warfare and worry over the opinions of others, but it was a God-given sense of peace that eventually returned as I prayed and got more confirmation there.

• Most Unhinged Thought:  "Okay, I'm totally calling Rachael on my drive back (from Dallas IVF) to find out if she's still willing to carry the baby for me!" *That was while waiting on Dr. Ku's ultrasound after my heart sank hearing about the fibroids, BUT then he said all was well to move forward so I was overjoyed and never made that phone call... he left a voicemail the very next day saying we would need to run further tests, then no one in OKC could do the test he ordered and it took over a month to get back into their office, then I needed another surgery to move forward, and by then, my mindset had shifted very gradually - I am seeing God's hand and timing in all of that now in ways I really couldn't before.  Most people will never get the depth of it, and that's okay.  At least I'm familiar with ambiguous grief.  For the level of inner determination I felt, I had to adopt the embryos.  I had to spend the money and try the IUIs and at-home insemination and do the home studies and profile books and sign the legal contracts and have the surgeries and be repeatedly disappointed and hear the hard medical news (2x about me and 2x about nonviable embryo matches) and deeply question God's will and my abilities then repetitively seek wise counsel and reassuring words from Chet, Mom, Emily, Kristin, etc. and go through that ENTIRE exhausting emotional path in order to ever reach the end of my rope and prayerfully choose to let. this. go.  "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away," and both seasons mattered deeply for me here. ❤  I kind of feel like I am saying a final goodbye to that hope here as this year comes to a close, and it's bringing up some quiet grief and sadness for me (an odd contrast as I listen to my neighbors holding a comically-loud NYE party).  Knowing how to move forward with a sense of purpose is still tricky and difficult, and I'm choosing not to tie a neat bow over that wound today.

• Phrase That Describes This Year:  Learning Curve

Praying God blesses us with hope and peace as we seek Him in 2026!

❤ ❤ ❤

Standing in the Light

I shook hands with my old habits, let them tell me I belong.

They said, "Freedom is a rumor that only fools chase long."

But I heard a different whisper underneath the noise and doubts,

Something soft and steady saying, "Son, I'm not done now."

My past kept flashing headlines like it wanted me to read

Every sin I ever hid came begging on its knees.

I said, "Lord, I'm tired of running, tired of wearing borrowed skin

Tired of confusing punishment with discipline.

If freedom's just a rumor, let me die trying.

If grace is really real, then let it find me where I'm lying."

That's when the knocking turned to pounding

Like a war outside my chest.

Every lie I'd ever loved came dressed up as a test.

They said, "Remember who you were and how you always fall."

They said, "You'll crawl back here by night; you're nothing after all."

But faith don't always shout; sometimes it barely breathes.

Sometimes it shakes and stutters while it still believes.

I said, "I don't feel holy.  I don't feel strong or clean,

But I'm standing in the doorway of the man I'm meant to be!"

I started laying down my blues, every lie and every crutch...

Turns out hell hates exits, and it hates when you don't look back.

I felt forgiveness hit me like I a weight I couldn't bear,

Heavy like an honest truth I wasn't ready to declare.

But I carried it with tears, and every step was new.

Freedom isn't flying; it's learning how to choose. 

So knock if you want to.  I hear you through the door.

But I've been to the bottom, and I won't live there anymore.

I know the sound of mercy, and I know the sound of change.

And I've finally learned the difference between conviction and shame.

Demons knock harder when you're almost free,

When the chains feel loose and the light starts finding me.

They don't kick the door when you're already down.

They wait till hope's breathin', and then come around.

They whisper my past like it's all I'll be,

But grace stands louder saying, "You belong to me."  

So let 'em knock till their knuckles bleed.

I'm standing in the light, and I'm learning to believe.

I'm not who I was, and I don't have to be.

Demons knock harder... but I'm finally free!

(Not sure who to credit with writing this song, nor who truly sings it... the comments have assured me it's not really Chris Stapleton.)  Either way, these lyrics are powerful for me, so I wanted them documented here.  Happy almost new year, gang.  I'm fairly certain I'll write one more post before the day is over!

❤ ❤ ❤

Day 364

Hey friends, I hope you're having a lovely penultimate day of 2025!

Here's a random throwback pic of Rach and I icing sugar cookies 20 freaking years ago. =)

My 2025 Recap from ChatGPT was interesting... them throwing in a silver sequin gown as if that's been a big part of my daily life (bc of the popular Christmas portrait prompt) definitely made me laugh!

It's okay for you not to know.  It's not fun, but it's okay.

Christmas Eve dinner with the fam, 2021 and 2025!  I like that if the Saltgrass table were round, we'd be in the exact same spots both years. =)

This feels true and keeps me going when I feel ready to just burn it all down. lol

In other news, I had my first day at the new job yesterday!  I spent the morning in an HR Onboarding training for new hires, which meant getting our computers and ID badges and learning about the different departments in the OCC.  It was me, two Administrative Law Judges, and 3 Dept of Transportation guys.  Then Amy (the Court Admin who is also a CR) and Andrea (my manager and another CR) took me out to lunch at Ted's Tacos and Cantina, a cute mini-version of Ted's Cafe Escondido -- fun!  And we spent the afternoon getting to know each other and getting me set up with access for Zoom.gov, Teams, Outlook, Laserfiche, Workday, etc.  Other than carrying my heavy machine around all day for no real reason, it was a really great first day!  The Apple sticker over my Dell laptop from the OCC made me laugh. lol

Today = day one of working from home... yes, please!  They had assigned me a random transcript to slowly practice on, then the attorneys ended up calling and wanting it expedited today, so that was a fun first-day challenge! lol  I assumed I wouldn't be filing any transcripts for them until 2026, but it makes me happy that I made $364 in this final transcript on the 364th day of the year.  My bedroom mirror needs to be dusted ASAP, but yay for getting to be in comfy clothes all day!

Four computer monitors, two keyboards and mouses, my steno machine setup for realtime writing, headphones and a foot pedal for transcription, and all the cords organized and working properly - let's freaking go! lol

So the new job is off to a great start - I genuinely like my coworkers and think it's cool that I'll be managed by CRs who understand this work - I am loving my home office setup and believe this flexibility will be awesome - I did well and felt appreciated and made good money today - everyone in my family is generally doing well, and we had a pretty fantastic Christmas - I have a 4.0 GPA in my doctoral courses thus far and successfully co-authored a chapter of a textbook during my busiest school semester in life to date - Annie and Eddie are planning more fun shows together in 2026 - I've subscribed to Southern Living magazine for lots of fun episodes with Melanie and Sophie ahead - I'm looking forward to a Disney trip with the Wilson fam and a Dallas trip to see Mel Robbins live and an Alaska cruise with Beth Moore and her team - people who care about me have been kind - I believe my embryo adoption decision was the right one - I get to see my Tulsa friends in a couple days for Chet's Polar Bear Plunge event - and I am genuinely grateful for all of the above!!

And yet... I'm *also* feeling a vague sadness, some low-level anger, and what I'm going to call a fear-of-future-loneliness that's been hard to shake.  I watched two new-to-me movies this week that I thought would be light and cheery, but they both held some heavy scenes of grief and loss.  I'm feeling unsure about how to move forward and very tempted to believe none of it matters, (which I know to be false and dangerous ground).  I listened to John Eldredge's year-end podcast tonight advising us to pray over the past year and the year ahead, taking stock of all God has done for us and in us and through us, confessing specific sin that comes to mind, inviting Jesus into the memories that feel frozen in time, grieving our losses, praying for wisdom and counsel for the year ahead, and intentionally consecrating our hopes and all that lies ahead in 2026 to God - re-consecrating our mind, body, soul, and spirit to be submitted to His will and purpose.  So I'm planning to take that very seriously and take some quiet time to pray through all of the above tomorrow on the final day of 2025.

Happy New Year's Eve Eve, friends and fam!  I love you and believe in you, and I sincerely hope that you finish well in 2025 and have a richly beautiful, God-honoring 2026 ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

God Cares, and So Do I

I'm caught up on podcasts and audiobooks, so I went back into my saved podcasts today.  HERE is my favorite episode ever from Mel Robbins (released just before my 40th birthday in February 2024).  This episode is what really drew me to Mel and played a big part in my decision to join her final Launch course two months later, which played a part in me choosing surgery and shaped my life in many other ways.  I love Mel's heart for people, and I love the message of leading with HOPE and LOVE she shares here (it's just her speaking from the heart - highly recommend it).  My theological views differ from hers, but in a way that should only deepen and strengthen my own life's message of hope and love! ❤

She talks about how love is in the details - being intentional about small acts of kindness.  She talks about our shared human need to be seen and heard and valued, and the great importance of being intentional and clearly saying "I love you and believe in you," letting ALL people know that they matter and that you see them and believe in their potential.

It all resonates for me, and this philosophy is gradually becoming ingrained in my identity.

This message from JB meant a lot today - intentionality matters.

I'm forever a details girl, and there are so many small things my friends and family members do that remind me I am loved.  And it all matters.  When I'm stressed about what others may think of my decisions, the "David, nobody cares" gif is a pretty helpful reminder.  But when I'm hurting and/or feeling unseen or insignificant, believing that nobody really cares feels extra crushing.  And false.  Even when most people get busy and fail to fully see us, God does.  And He cares about our hearts.  ALWAYS.

So for anyone reading this right now, whether or not we have met in real life, I sincerely love you and believe in you, and I believe in your God-given potential and value!  You were created on purpose and for a purpose.  I am confident that Jesus loves you and believes in you, and He is close to you today, and working behind the scenes for your ultimate good and His glory.  You matter.  Your voice, your needs, your thoughts, your opinions, your emotions, your memories -- they matter.  And if someone or something matters to your heart, it also matters to God.  You are never alone or unseen or forgotten.  God cares about the big picture, but He also cares about the smallest details.  (And so do I.)

Now I'm off to relax a bit as I prepare for my first day at the OCC job tomorrow.  I'm truly glad you are here, friends.  I love you and believe in you!  I hope you know you are capable of growth and positive change... and I hope you believe to your core that you are deeply loved and valued, just as you are today!!

❤ ❤ ❤