Annie & Eddie

SO HAPPY to have this photo with my podcast besties!!  Eddie said he loved my hat (he is genuinely a fellow Swiftie), and I was happy to be in matchy blue with them both! =)

Okay, starting from the beginning, I drove down early to Keller, Texas on Friday.  Annie put out a tourdetastebuds website where they recommended certain restaurants and coffee shops for their tour stops, which led me to my lunch stop at Acquario Pizza!  Then I grabbed Sugar Llamas for a snack because when I travel, even for a day trip, I feel like I need to eat fun foods!! #noragrets

A pic with Katie Boatman, the co-founder of Single Purpose League on Annie's team!  I listened to a podcast this week that I really appreciated and talked with her about that (HERE).

My new book with a bookmark and autograph from AFD, and a Waffles Kaufholz sticker ("Go wash your hands" was Annie's pandemic sign-off line, and "Bye, Buddies" was Eddie's, hence, The Buddies Tour!)

I also bought the t-shirt and changed into it immediately, because why not!?

It made me happy to see Annie's fiance, JW, there as the DJ hyping up the crowd! lol

They jumped right into talking about all manner of nonsense, along with a few serious topics!

I'm such a fan of them both... their walks with God, their long-term friendship, their sense of humor, their love/hate of running, their love of SNL and pop culture, their health goals and struggles, etc.

Their dynamic (the mix of personalities, the earned mutual respect, the consistent jokes and entertaining rants, and of course, Annie being single while Eddie is married with a wife and children) often reminds me of my friendship with Chettles, and it's nice to see that modeled somewhere!

I'm also a long-term follower of Annie and appreciate the way she models being a single woman who has a vibrant life and walk with God... I'm a fan, so much so that I bought this dress when she sold some items from her closet earlier this year! lol  (It looks pink on her and coral on me, but it's definitely the exact same dress - fun!)

The show was so fun - lots of laughter and good memories and words of wisdom!  In spite of the insane random traffic jam I faced on my drive home, it was very worth the trip!!

Till next time, "Bye, Buddies!"

❤ ❤ ❤

Diesel Eugene

May is absurdly full, but I'm happy about all the fun events and photo ops! =)

Speaking of, Diesel Eugene had his 6th grade graduation and awards ceremony last Thursday!

He won awards for STEAM, math, reading 35 books, and the lifer award for his attendance at Apple Creek!

Aunt Lindsey, Wesson, and Nash

Giving his dad the thumbs up!

Frankie threw his hand in to be sure we'd remember he was there too... mission accomplished! lol

Three of their fav teachers... the music teacher pulled a Mel Robbins move with the "In case no one else tells you this today, I want to be sure you know that I love you and believe in you," and you could tell it's been a repeated speech and that the students love him too!

Whitaker fam! ❤

Diesel and his grandma!

Lock fam!

And one last pic by the photo wall for me!

Congrats to Diesel Eugene on the end of his elementary years!!

❤ ❤ ❤

On Grieving with Hope

The long and winding Dead-End Road...

• I was 26 years old the first time I considered adopting a child as a single woman (HERE).
• At 33, I took the 3-weekend DHS foster parenting training classes and completed my first home study (HERE).
• At 37, after grieving the Malori friendship (round 2), I felt like God gave me the green light to pursue adoption in the fall of 2021 (HERE).
• I made a profile book, did a home study update, met with an Oklahoma adoption attorney, worked with a Florida adoption agency, and connected with a struggling single birth-mom who ended up deciding to keep her child (at the time).
• After hitting some roadblocks in all of the above, at 38, immediately after moving back to the Moore area, I started medical appointments to try for a donor-insemination pregnancy... trying four IUI procedures that were unsuccessful (HERE).  I tried a fifth time a year later - also unsuccessful.  Lots of positive ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests = rough emotionally.
• At 39, I signed up for embryo adoption... and just after turning 40, I was devastated to learn that both embryo matches (from two different placing families) were not medically viable for transfer (HERE).
• That was a big part of the motivation behind choosing weight loss surgery that summer - to be healthier for a potential pregnancy.  
• In the meantime, I had another surgery to remove a uterine polyp (HERE), and I was matched with another placing family with embryos that could not be transferred (which everyone told me was a major anomaly, which had me questioning God's plan).
• Then at 41, just after starting the PhD program, I was overjoyed to be matched with a biracial placing family.  But as it moved closer, I wrestled with A LOT of anxiety and doubt, knowing how much it would change my life, and not knowing if those changes were truly desirable.
• Last September, I learned that I would need a third surgery to remove uterine fibroids that would make the already-high-risk pregnancy even more dangerous and difficult.  And after a lot of prayer and internal wrestling with whether God was in this (HERE), I finally decided to close the door on the embryo adoption path (HERE).

So I spent thousands of dollars, invested a lot of emotional energy, met with attorneys and daycares, talked with adoption judges, endured several painful medical procedures, had two surgeries, had long talks with friends and family, and spent a lot of time in prayer.  It's exhausting just reading about it now.  (That list was focused on motherhood, but I could make a similar list about the various dating apps and setups I have tried, all with a similar disappointing ending, with the added bonus of feeling personally rejected/unchosen).  God has been kind and comforted me through the various losses, and I have genuinely learned a lot through all of this, but I would LOVE to have more than personal growth to show for the above efforts.

I live a blessed life in so many ways, and I am grateful for all that God has given me!

It is also true that I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 20s. 

I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 30s.

I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my body.

Thus far, I do not know what it feels like to be desired/pursued by a really good Christian man.

And that's hard.  And there is genuine, valid grief for all of that.

There is also fear (that stems from poor theology ingrained in childhood) of my life never having full value as an unmarried, childless woman.  And in my case, there is maybe-unfair shame over not hearing correctly from God on the above decisions and pursuits, and fear of publicly failing again.  I feel like I am trying to stay very still, and it's making me think about Exodus 14 (where Moses tells them to be still, then God promptly tells them to move on).

After thinking it over, I've realized that in this season, I am not grieving over the loss of motherhood so much as I am grieving the loss of a clear end goal and purpose.  The degree, the health journey, and everything else I pursued felt more meaningful with that overarching relational goal in mind.  Without that, I feel very adrift, and I hate that feeling.

I know in my heart that God is a God of hope and redemption, and I am doing my best to hold on to that.  To believe there are far better things ahead.  To lean into His power, love, and a sound mind rather than focusing on fear.  I need a new relational goal that feels clear and compelling.  And aligned!

So I am praying for fresh clarity, wisdom, and COURAGE to take bold action toward new meaningful goals that God puts on my heart.  I want to live a FRUITFUL life and to walk in true alignment with God's plan and path for me, and it is NOT easy for me to trust that in any direction right now.  But I know that staying stuck is not His best for me either.  

Prayers for God-given healing, wisdom, clarity, alignment, and courage would be most appreciated!

That's all for now.  I needed to dive into the deep end and get some of that written down and out of my head this morning, but now I am off to Keller, TX for The Buddies Tour with Annie and Eddie - YAY!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Everything Else!

"Aggressively control your inputs."

This is my current focus, thanks to the Wild at Heart podcast.  This phrase definitely caught my attention as they talked about the foundational importance of being attentive and intentional about what we allow ourselves to take in (the daily content we consume on social media, podcasts, TV, news, etc.).  Physically and spiritually, we reap what we sow, and our physical, mental, and spiritual health (for the great most part) reflects our choices.  I want to be more intentional about choosing to take in and dwell on things that will bring me closer to God's joy, love, peace, and hope!!

Just a meme that made me laugh. =)

My cousin, Michael, with his fam - a hilarious AI portrait to mirror the "floating head" portrait trend of our parents' generation! lol

I need all the advice, please!

Parker E being a spinning star at her Spring ballet and tap recital... ❤❤ I missed this one in person, but Chettles was kind enough to send videos!! =)

A collage to celebrate Mom (also known as Mamaw) on Mother's Day!!

Parker E was upset but "trying to make herself smile" for this pic with Karli outside FBC... the closeup is so entertaining to me!  Preshface. lol  She's the best at bringing the drama of all the big emotions at once!!

Balcony seats at the MWC Warren for a nearly sold-out viewing of Michael on Mother's Day (round 4 for me, round one for everyone else - they all loved it - YAY!) -- followed by cookiecake and hanging out at Mom and Dad's!

Meet Libby, my new copper RX, an unexpectedly early gift from my Dad, and I love it!!!

Her full name is Liberty Belle bc that name combo made me laugh, and I chose Liberty for the Statue of Liberty, which was once this beautiful, vibrant copper color (and I'd so love to see it that way!!).  

Anyway, thanks for stopping by the blog!  This is a busy season, but I always feel better when I take some time to write things down, so I'm going to try to do it more often!

Make it a great day ahead!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Mini Miss K

Our best girl had her 6th Grade Graduation ceremony this week!

My one and only niece is a Jesus-loving, courageous, athletic, funny, creative, fiercely competitive, popular, kindhearted, intuitive, feisty, smart, fashionable, decisive, beautiful, resilient, effervescent, one-of-a-kind sparkling gem of a person!  She's good at reading the room and has a gift for planning fun things and bringing people together, much like Chettles.  I adore her, and I am confident she will continue to shine and grow as life moves forward. ❤

She wanted it to be fun surprise for us that she (as newly-elected 7th Grade Chaplain) got to lead the Scripture reading and prayer... it definitely was!!  This = one of my infamous prayer pics, but it had to be done! lol

Walking the stage!  (And in less than 10 days, Triston will do the same for his Senior graduation, both happening during Josh Bullard's final year as CHA Headmaster!!)

Post-ceremony pics with the fam!!

The Jaceman surprised us choosing the purple suit last year, but it was perfect for him.  And Kyndal Faith surprised us going with a plain navy dress over something glittery, but she rocked it along with her sparkly boots and headband, and it was perfect too - I just love them both!!  It's so fun to watch them grow and learn and change!

Class of 2032 group pic! Fun fact: Much like myself, her school years move right along with the numbers... 7th grade in 2027, 8th in 2028, etc.  My 6th grade graduation was 1996, 7th grade in 1997, and so on.  So Lord willing, she'll walk that CHA stage as a Senior exactly 30 years after me!! =)

Coach Nikki came to celebrate Kyn and Aniston - she's the best!  The middle pic = Talon, Storey, Colin, Kyndal, and Ellery (four of her very favorite people in her class, to my knowledge, so I was happy to capture that moment).  And the bottom is a pic with her teachers!

Throwback to J's Graduation last year!  They've decided to call it a Promotion Ceremony instead of Graduation (whatever on that, but we don't love change)... and they put it oddly early in the year and moved it from a 6pm night event to a 1pm event I had to take off work for... worth it, but an annoying move on CHA's part!

Having said that, this change DID give me the extra time to write a card, order a last-minute cookiecake, and grab some perfume and lip gloss at the Sooner Mall for Kyndal before family dinner!!

For short notice, they did good on the cookiecake!

Family pic after our traditional spaghetti dinner (Kyndal's consistent favorite, even if the rest of us prefer more variety).   This was also T-man's last night before the Senior trip to Boston, so it was a fun dinner talking about all of the above!

A quickly-assembled-but-still-great slideshow!

Congrats, Mini-Miss K!!

"May the Lord bless you and protect you;
May the Lord be kind and gracious to you;

May the Lord show you favor and give you His peace!"

~Numbers 6:24-26

❤ ❤ ❤ 

First Things First

May always feels extra busy.  End-of-year activities with CHA are adding up, especially as Kyndal is in 6th grade and Triston is a Senior this year!  We had T's Sunday Baccalaureate service (with Mr. Smith speaking) this past weekend!  It was exciting and a bit surreal to see him in his cap and gown (which Mom is very ready to iron for him pre-graduation)!

Reese, Triston, and Kate!

Aunt Lindsey, T-man, and Mamaw!

YAY for the LiveCollage app, and yay for adorable Kindergarten graduation photos!!

❤

K-Faith had her final volleyball tournament for this season... this pic = the dads praying over the girls on their last game day!  LOVE that.

Winning 3 games in a row on Saturday!

They had an end-of-season pizza party on Monday... this is Kyndal presenting the volleyball gift to Coach Nikki - such a solid and Godly leader!

The 11-minute slideshow I made to play in the background throughout their VB party - the girls all watched it and had some entertaining commentary!

 

Senator Lankford and Kyndal on the plane ride back to OKC - her being in the 6/7 shirt makes me laugh!

K and Rach at the Iwo Jima Memorial

Ellery, Kyndal, and Rachel by the US Capitol

Lincoln Memorial... hearing K's detailed recap of the trip was the best!  She mostly focused on the games she and her friends played and the funny things they said! lol

I've stayed busy lately with work, Solid Rock workouts, lunch with Natalie, dinner with Sarah, and seeing the Michael movie thrice (so far)... highly recommend!!

Dinner with Sarah at Red Rock by Lake Hefner last night - we had a good, long talk which included talking about the difference in positive and negative stress... positive stress being stress with a clear end-goal and purpose in mind.  I told her school no longer feels that way for me because I'm less sure of the end goal.  She asked if I still want to teach, and I said the thought of grading papers written by AI feels less and less appealing.  What I want (and articulated for the first time last night) is to be in the Christian school atmosphere, to be a respected professional and be good friends and have good relationships with quality Christians (whether that is the CCU professors or others).  That was good for me to clarify, as it's a very different end goal than researching and attaining my PhD and teaching.  I would at all times much rather be in the warm and relational role of Mel Robbins than the dry and clinical role of many of her esteemed guests.  So I am going to continue to clarify that in my own mind and heart, praying for wisdom on the next right step forward!!

I'm at the OCC about to start a protest hearing this morning, but I had a little time while the attorneys were talking and decided to sneak in a blog post!!  I am assuming I will get a transcript order in today and tomorrow's docket, so I'll be busy with that for a bit.  Anyway, here's a final reminder for you today!

Hope you have a fantastic day!

I love you and believe in you,

and Jesus does too!!

❤ ❤ ❤