Safety Nets and Wet Paint

Y’all know I love a good metaphor.  (I say “y’all” even though this blog is still private.  I know I’ll make it public again soon.)

Lately, two metaphors keep coming to mind.  The first is a trapeze artist who takes a brave leap but misses the catch and falls into a waiting safety net below.  To play that out fully, her timing was off, they miss the connection, and she’s suddenly free-falling, her carefully-planned routine unraveling.  She feels the weight of watching eyes and the pressure to land as gracefully as possible.  Sooner than expected, she hits the safety net and feels dizzy from the fall as the net bounces then steadies and holds firm.  She's a little shaken and embarrassed, but mostly relieved and grateful.  She is safe.  Supported.  Not where she expected to be, but she is okay.  That leap wasn’t right for her this time, and that’s okay.  She will gather her courage and try something new when she is ready...

Okay, shifting gears... way back in 2011, my favorite guys in all the world joined me and a couple girlfriends on a road trip to help Malori Riah paint her first home... this picture still brings me lots of joy!!

JEM was full of good quotes and entertaining stories that day, including the classic tale about how he accidentally painted himself into a corner while redoing his own garage floor, having to cross over a lot of wet paint to get out.  I’ve thought about that story a lot lately.  It’s part of why I shut down the blog for a bit.  Without meaning to, I felt like I had written myself into a corner, trapped by the sincere hopes and clearly-documented life plans made by a past version of me.  I’ve had to remind myself often that I am allowed to change course and dream new dreams!!

For years, I talked and wrote about becoming a single mom until it became hard to admit that I might want something different now.  In addition to all the roadblocks I encountered, my desire itself had begun to shift.  It’s not that I don’t ever want kids or don't believe I would be a good mom, but the “doing it alone” part began to feel more daunting and isolating than empowering and connecting.

Following Jeff's paint story all the way through was oddly helpful for me... because he isn’t still stuck in that corner today.  It was messy, and it required some repair and cleanup, but often the only way out is through!  Jeffrey was single at the time, and he didn't have to tell any of us about that.  No one would have known if he had not mentioned it, and the same is pretty true in my story right now.  A comforting thought on some level.  But truthfully, no lasting harm was done, and 14 years later, that entertaining story helped me see my own way out.  (Here's hoping my story can do the same for someone else someday.)

So here I am.  My plans have changed, I'm calming down from a dizzying fall, and I've landed in a very supportive safety net of kind friends and family and a very faithful God.  Over the past month, I have written a letter of closure to the placing parent, cancelled the Dallas surgery, worked with the adoption agency, ended my time at ITS, and transitioned all my counseling clients.  Wet paint everywhere, but it's going to be okay.  I'm going to be okay.  I am beginning to look forward, while reminding myself not to rush into anything.  To be still and breathe for a bit.  This part is messy and hard, but it's also freeing and right.

Life is moving quickly and my thoughts are still settling, but I wanted to write this out today.  If you feel trapped or pressured in any area of life, I hope this imagery encourages you!

Do the hard thing you KNOW is right.
God will strengthen the safety net.
The fall will not kill you.
❤ ❤ ❤

Breaking the Cycle

Emily and I talked again tonight...

I mentioned my nervous system feeling fried and on edge... that I haven't cried much but feel like tears are right at the surface, that all the little things feel heightened in their importance and weight right now.

(A fairly normal reaction after a pivotal year and the very heavy decision I have faced this past month - she encouraged me to be gentle and have grace with myself.)

I am confident in my decision to close the chapter, and I am moving toward peace and calm and stability, but the nervous system is not an on/off switch, and I'm absolutely still in the process of calming down and resetting my nervous system.

I told Emily I've been questioning myself about the doctoral program over the past week, wrestling internally and wondering if I'm making the right decision there.  I said I am really struggling to trust myself in either direction and wanting to avoid any big moves or major decisions in this recovery season.

She carefully asked whether it might be possible that my nervous system has become so accustomed to me being in a state of indecision and limbo that self-doubt feels like the most familiar path - (something I naturally default back into without much conscious awareness).

Umm, wow, yes!!  Having recognized a similar tendency to choose chaos in another friend, I knew exactly what she was talking about, and hearing that was an immediate epiphany for me!  I'm not sure how I never recognized it in myself before, but we often have blind spots in our own lives that are much easier for others to see clearly from an outside perspective.  (Hence, the need for the counseling profession).

Anyway, that resonated!  For years now, in any number of major and minor decisions, this state of internal chaos and self-doubt, deeply questioning myself has become the very exhausting but familiar course for me, struggling to trust my own intuition or ability to make good decisions, trusting others more naturally than I trust myself, and consistently looking for outside validation and support.

And that's not coming from God.

And it's not based in truth.

And it's not serving me.

Awareness is key, so I'm grateful!!

And I'm going to be working to stay aware of that dynamic, be gentle with myself, and build up my self-trust and inner peace/confidence.

❤❤❤

Letting Go & Holding On

This was not the most stressful season of my life, but it was absolutely the most consequential decision I've ever been called to make.  It involved a lot of prayer and inner wrestling and seeking wise counsel.  To massively summarize it, I have decided to let go of my adoption plan while holding firmly to my faith in God's bigger plan. ❤

Emily and I talked about the "sunk cost fallacy" last week.  Sometimes, we keep pushing and investing in something we know is not working purely because of how much we've already put into it.  This is often the case in abusive marriages, bad relationships, and other misaligned decisions.  I will try to be more aware of that dynamic as life moves forward, making the wise choice as early as possible!

My harmony-loving Enneagram 9 self was on the far end of the stress spectrum through most of August and September.  Now I'm taking a breather to calm my frazzled nervous system before I make a 4th quarter comeback toward growth!!

A lovely Lake Hefner jog after my CBD oil & hot stone massage on Saturday!

#therapyhomework #arealquickyes

Reminding myself of this over and over...

"David, nobody cares!" -Alexis Rose

(Not that nobody cares about me, but that no one is analyzing my life or judging my every decision in the way I occasionally imagine.  They're busy dealing with their own lives, and I am free to do what is right for me. And to let them think whatever they want about it.)

A key verse God used to speak to me lately.

Seeing our new "In God We Trust" on the courthouse while I'm out walking in Norman always makes me happy (this = the ground view from The Well right across the street from my office windows).

People guessed that today's look was for Halloween or OSU,

but it's just more T-Swift inspired orange brightness! =)

Let's hope so...

Truly, I'm saving most of the details for a future book, but this was not a small thing to me.  It has been heavy and hard, and I was not okay for a bit.  I am deeply grateful for the patience, wise counsel, and encouragement of Chet Lee, Mom,  Emily, and Kristin.  I'm gradually seeing the light at the end of this tunnel now, but still in the process of buttoning things up to close this lengthy and confusing chapter... while figuring out what my new chapter of life may look like and where to plant my focus moving forward.

I do not know what that will look like yet.  But in a way that feels real and substantive to me, I trust that God has good things in store.

Wednesday walk with Kristin last week - happy to get back into that routine!!

It made me smile to see this and imagine myself stopping on the course to trace this random pumpkin whilst breathing deeply.  I wouldn't put it past me. lol

"Anxiety isn't the problem.  It's the alarm."  This feels true for me (I feel jittery and anxious when things are out of alignment).  I am working on trusting myself and paying attention to what my body is telling me more quickly on things like that!

Happy 45th Birthday to Jeffrey Edward, a real JEM of a friend for the past 15+ years!!

(These pics from his 33rd bday party still make me happy!) ❤

Happy Belated Birthday (57 yesterday, 10-6) to Mel Robbins!!  What a gift her podcast and books and 2024 Launch program have been for me... excited to get to see her live in Dallas next April!  ❤

Happy Belated Bday (36 on 10-5) to Travis Kelce! lol

And finally, Happy Belated Jesus-year Birthday (33 on 10-2) to Rachel Elizabeth, a fellow Swiftie and fun friend!  I'm excited to see the Shoemaker fam in Tulsa again next month!! ❤

That's all for now.

As Jeffrey would say,

"Make it a great day!"

❤❤❤

Dancing Through the Lightning Strikes

"This is a temporary speed bump,

But failure brings you freedom,

And I can bring you love!

Don't you sweat it, baby, 

It's all right!  

You were dancing through the lightning strikes!

Sleepless in the onyx night,

But now the sky is opalite!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my Lord,

Never met no one like you before.

You had to make your own sunshine,

But now the sky is opalite!"

❤❤❤

So I say, "Thank you for the lovely bouquet!

I'm married to hustle,

And now I know the life of a showgirl, babe

And I'll never know another!

Pain hidden by the lipstick and lace.

Sequins are forever, 

And now I know the life of a showgirl, babe.

Wouldn't have it any other waaaaaaay!"

~Taylor Alison Swift

For real, though. =)

Bejeweled jeans and boots + friendship bracelets + orange cardigan + white cherry icee = movie ready! lol Let's freaking go! ❤

October 3rd is also known as "Mean Girls Day," so the Kelce bros recreated this meme from that movie, and it brings me so. much. joy!! lol

After my FB post, Tiffany texted saying she loved that I wore an orange cardigan for the movie.  I told her thanks for noticing because I bought it just because of this movie and felt slightly ridiculous. lol  She said she did the same thing, along with a mint-green shirt and matching earrings. lolol  Swifties understood the assignment!!

"It's a good thing I like my friends cancelled.

I salute you if you're much too much to handle!

...Now they've broken you like they've broken me,

But a shattered glass is a lot more sharp,

And now you know exactly who your friends are.

(You know who we are)

We're the ones with matching scars."

Enough of this tortured poet nonsense.

Welcome back, vibrant and happy T-Swift! lol

Your long-time fans had missed you!! 

❤✌

Did I enjoy the Release Party in a theater full of Swifties who clapped after every song!?

YES, on Friday then again on Saturday! lol  There were several adorable little girls in my theater, so I was grateful she went with the non-explicit, kid-friendly version of all the songs for the movie!  It's basically the equivalent of MTV's Making the Video (aww memories), a behind the scenes look at her Fate of Ophelia music video, then simple lyric videos with her talking briefly about how she wrote the other 11 songs.  Yet it made $33 million and took the #1 spot during the one weekend it was in theaters. lol  Love that journey for her! #marketinggenius

Do I love every song on this new album (TS12 - her 12th album with 12 new tracks)?  

No.  Personally, I could really do without Father Figure and Wood, and I agree with Laura that it's cringe and unnecessarily crass in those places. But I took those two off of my playlist and grabbed the clean version of everything else, and I'm loving it!  I immediately adored the title track, Opalite, Actually Romantic, and Cancelled... and Eldest Daughter, Wish List, and The Fate of Ophelia are all growing on me!  I'm already excited for her 13th album, as that is historically her favorite number and will be the first one made while she's been engaged and/or married.  It promises to be interesting - I'd love to see her dive back into country music, just for fun!

Do I feel genuine love and an interesting sense of loyalty toward Taylor Alison Swift?

Absolutely!  I am cheering for her and happy for every bit of joy and success she gets in life, and I'm very glad this album is a more joyful, uplifting, cheesy-fun-pop vibe than the last few.  It's been a good album to jog to as I'm getting back into that!!

It's a fun season for Swifties.  Among other record-breaking events, Taylor currently has:

• The biggest first-week sales for an album in US history
• The biggest single-day song streams in Spotify history
• The only artist this century to simultaneously top the song, album, and movie charts in the US in the same week
• Only album in history to debut all its tracks in the top 20 on US Apple Music
• Only album in history to occupy the entire top 12 on US Apple Music for multiple days

Song of the Week = The Life of a Showgirl by Taylor Swift, featuring Sabrina Carpenter

❤ ❤ ❤

Last One for Today

Okay, back to lighter and happier topics... here's a sunny pic from the Jaceman's CHA football game last night!  Mom videoed every play he was in (70+ videos), Rach cheered hard, and I was generally oblivious to what was happening on the field, but happy to be there!  (Dad came late after a golf tournament and left early because his friend, Rick, is in the hospital.)

Miss K hanging out with her friend's little sister... cuteness! =)

Post-game pic... the ladies of the fam with Jace Michael! 
(Photo by K-Faith, who objected to being in it.)

Mother/Son pic!

Just a CHA t-shirt I liked!

Truth.

More truth - I'm in a pruning season, and that's okay.
Also, on the right is my random plant from Trader Joes that is growing and doing well! =)

Goals.  "Be brave enough to imagine what could go right!"

Some CHA pics from "See You At The Pole Day."  It feels poignant to think of students gathering early to pray for our country... then seeing the close-up pic with some obvious bored expressions, tired yawns, and eyerolls made me laugh.  (Still great that they showed up!)

A CCU campus pic that made me happy!

I am planning to take a blogging break for most of the month ahead, so I wanted to be fully caught up here tonight!  I hope you've had a lovely September.

❤ ❤ ❤

Septembers I Remember

As a past-oriented Ennegram 9 (something interesting I learned about in Suzanne's book this month), I like to look for patterns.  

In spite of my genuine love for football season, Fair food, and Fall fun with friends and family, September has historically been a bit of a sad month for me...

2001 – My Senior year at CHA, crystalized memories of watching the national news in Mrs. Young’s office on September 11th

2002 – Trying to find my footing as a new college student at OBU; unsure of my major and not loving the bug-filled dorm room; very much missing my family and CHA friends

2010 – Frustrated with single life and shifting relationships; wrote my first blog post contemplating single motherhood (15th)

2012 – Struggling through a difficult Statistics class at SNU-Tulsa

2013 – Got my printed SNU diploma the same day Malori confirmed our friendship was over (9-6); Lots of grief over that ending + lots of time with newborn Kyndal Faith

2014 – Came off of the antidepressant medication; Walked out of a crazy “prayer ministry” cult (9-19)

2015 – Received a maddening rejection email from SNU’s master’s degree program (reason still unknown) on the day of Sarah’s monkey bread fiasco (9-25)

2016 – Gradually reconnected with a newly-married friend after not speaking for seven months

2019 – Handwriting thank-you notes with Mom after Grandad’s funeral

2020 – Malori announced her family was moving back to OKC, which ironically meant increasing tension and disconnection in our friendship

2021 – Car wreck in Ruby Claire just before my first home study with Shay at 522; (also finished my first adoption profile book)

2022 – Touring my nearly-complete new construction Taber home; lab work and IUI appointments at OU Reproductive; processing some negative pregnancy tests on my own

2023 – Adjusting to the busier schedule with my internship at Restore; Babah’s rapid decline, hospice, death, and memorial service

(The FB memory that got me thinking about this pattern today.  I so love these pics of the Wilson fam!)

2024 – A jarring, friendship-altering conversation on the 3rd; my video interview for a CCU professor job (never heard back); the death of Maggie Smith

2025 – More vulnerable and emotionally-painful Dallas IVF appointments; feeling overwhelmed and under-motivated in multiple areas of life; paused my candidacy hours; briefly researched surrogacy; finally closed the embryo adoption chapter

Even in my current state of mild exhaustion, I feel deeply aware that God's grace has been consistent in every melancholy element and painful season of my life, and I'm grateful He has blessed me with dependable friends and family!

I'm also very grateful that we get to start fresh with a new month tomorrow!!

❤ ❤ ❤