This started on the Thankful Thursday list, then I quickly realized it deserved its own separate post.
Lately, God is re-sensitizing my conscience in a few areas where I'd become complacent. I'm entirely grateful for that shift, but it is CHALLENGING to surrender and submit.
For the life of me, it is HARD to spend 5+ hours reading the textbook and sifting through journal articles and piecing together quotes and APA-7 citations to write a 'simple' discussion board post when I know ChatGPT could churn out a better version in five seconds or less.
In my deepest heart, I want to honor God and live with integrity, and I want to EARN my LPC and my PhD.
On a more shallow surface level, the work feels overwhelming, and I am incredibly aware that it is entirely possible to use generative AI to "help me" write every post, response, paper, and dissertation chapter. I could make it sound like me, and many graduate students across the country will do just that and receive an equally-respectable degree. I'm feeling overwhelmed this week with starting my supervised hours at Integrated Therapy Solutions and all the paperwork and the learning curve goes into starting any new position, so I'm not about to pretend that it's not tempting...
In Visioneering, the audiobook I finished recently, Andy Stanley was very clear that we have to be willing to let go of our dream or vision before we compromise our moral authority and integrity. It's taken me longer than one would hope to get there, but I had a real chat with God during my walk yesterday... God honors our obedience and rewards those who seek and obey Him... holding faith in that promise will be KEY for me here.
**To be clear, AI itself is not evil - it's a tool that can be used for good or bad, and I've gotten some really good, fun things and cool new ideas out of it. During my walk-break yesterday, God helped me see that using AI through this doctoral program would be a lot like driving myself through the marathon course. I would be using a machine to move along the same path in a way that is admittedly MUCH easier and faster, that requires far less training and effort and inner grit, that is undeniably cheating even if it is never "caught." That inner picture and thinking about what I want my "finish line" to feel like made it all very clear to me. I don't want to take the easy shortcut and shortchange myself and dishonor God. And yes, that's all a dramatic train of thought... but it was my first assignment in this new program, and I knew I was setting a precedent yesterday. Part of me has bought into the belief that I'm incapable of doing it without outside help, and that's not true. I am out of the groove with academic writing, but I am intelligent and capable and actually desire to keep learning and growing. They required us to cite 3 peer-reviewed articles along with our Leadership textbook, so it all felt surprisingly HARD yesterday - I spent most of the afternoon and evening working on it, and what I turned in around midnight still felt rough to me.
(I think the biggest difference here is that I imagine everyone else is driving the course by utilizing AI - while I'm feeling very compelled to stay behind and walk it, doing all the work on my own - and that feels hard and lonely and unfair. I know that's not entirely true and that there are at least a few in the same boat with me. Either way, other people cannot be my standard. And Psalm 73 helps redirect my mind and heart when I struggle with these thoughts.)
Now I have to write 4 discussion responses and outline a paper where I will cite 10 journal articles by Sunday night - woof. Mercifully, next week will actually be a school break week for the 4th of July. So that gives me time to get myself together and create a legit schedule. After that, we write a 12-page paper about our Leadership Philosophy (which honestly sounds fun/interesting to me). I'm going to make a concerted effort to get my candidacy stuff started next week and to set out a clear daily schedule for myself as this program moves forward. I need to be more disciplined and manage my time well, and I believe it will all be doable as I watch less TV and prioritize sleep and get really organized. But if I cannot manage to do the work and keep my grades up honestly, then I will either defer or fully let go of the doctorate. And that outcome will be better and more God-honoring and identity-affirming than receiving a degree I did not earn.
Yes, an easier path is freely available. But there is an intangible cost to it, and taking that broad path feels like the equivalent of Esau selling his birthright for a bowl of stew. My ability to think critically and write creatively and manage my time well will grow as I do the work myself, and I will rebuild integrity and self-trust and my ability to clearly hear from God... so I will come out much stronger for it in the end. So that's my self pep talk for today! lol
P.S. Two months ago was the day before the Full - aww, memories. It was mentally and physically tough, and I walked a lot and took a mini-break in the middle, but I'm very proud that I trained hard and finished it, and I can't even tell you how much that metaphor helps me to see things more clearly here!!!
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