The Christian Citizenship Award!

On her final day of elementary school, the lovely Mini Miss K won CHA's highest honor, the Christian Citizenship Award!  She's the first in our family line to receive that, and so very deserving!! ❤

Pic with Mamaw!

Pic with her Mom!

Pic with Ellery, her bestie!

Pic with Olivia, her fellow honoree and good friend since Pre-K!

She wore her graduation dress again but went with different shoes this time =)

Rach got confetti poppers for them again, but they were still wrapped when K and her friends were trying to set them off during the assembly... sad day

So after some help from their adult teachers and friends, they had a belated confetti send-off!!

K-Faith and Dylan!

Knox, Ellery, Storey, Kyndal, Titus, and Colin

Pool party at Mamaw's after their last day!

Ellery and K

They're so fun!!

Sadly, I missed every bit of that thanks to an all day (remote) protest hearing in the Tulsa courtroom.

I'm mostly JK on the above meme, but I obviously would've loved to be there for that award moment!

I was on the phone with Rach later that night, and Kyndal chimed in saying she was ready to go to bed early because it was really hard work being the highest award winner! lol  She's always got jokes.  But kudos and congrats to Miss Kyndal Faith, a great student and faithful friend with strong Christian character!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Block Party #7!!

Chet's 7th Annual Client Appreciation Block Party was a vibrant success!!

Just look how fun and colorful! ❤

Debbie manning the Check-In table, handing out the new swag bags and drink tickets, both improving a bit on last year's party plan!  (Karli Marie made the awesome balloon arch and I made the fun check-in poster - my strong guess is that not everyone officially checked in, but there were over 100 people on the list that did!!)

Prepping for the flower bouquet bar - and yes, I did stop and smell the roses - I do that literally every time I see them anywhere! lol

Yay for my chalkboard sign from yesteryear still going strong! lol

Parker and I were very happy to be in matching pink shirts! ❤

Balloon columns by Chet and Karli... they added a lot to this year's photos!!

Tate and his friend playing with anything they found in the garage! lol

My very-quickly-made water and not water signs! lol

Yay, Kristin Renee and the Foster fam!

Pink Ladies! ;-)  A stair-steppy height pic of me, Lindsay, and Kelly Marie!

Yolanda and Cody, a "Wilson fam" reunion! lol

Friend group pic by the balloon arch!

Sarah comforting Parker when she was deeply distraught about her sparkly balloon popping. Presh!

Ellie, Margot, Kelly, and Elizabeth

Steve complimenting Parker's hair flower (which he put in for her)! lol

Kate holding Paige Evelyn! ❤

The indoor crew - me, Teresa, and Laura! (It was very hot and windy, and I needed Vivian to stay intact!)

Parker was back in a happy mood with her new balloon collection!

Pic with Laura Allison by the fun balloon column!

Shane showing Tate the kettle corn process!

Tate drew this for him and gave it to him at dinner - he couldn't find a yellow marker so he wrote yellow with an arrow to the popcorn. lol  Love it!

New patriotic bows from Mom for the Wilsons and for me! ❤

Friend trio pic from the last three block parties!

I adore the Wilsons, and I love being in the group that comes early to help and stays late to hang out - we did Whataburger dinner then Andy's custard, also becoming a tradition at this point!  In other news, I need us all to wear colorful shirts more often - these pics spark joy for me! =)

That's my third and final post for today - I'm all caught up on photos!  I've been reading an exceptional book and may share some deeper thoughts in the next day or two!

Happy Monday, gang!  And in case no one else reminds you, Jesus loves you and believes in you, and He is with you and for you today!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Annie & Eddie

SO HAPPY to have this photo with my podcast besties!!  Eddie said he loved my hat (he is genuinely a fellow Swiftie), and I was happy to be in matchy blue with them both! =)

Okay, starting from the beginning, I drove down early to Keller, Texas on Friday.  Annie put out a tourdetastebuds website where they recommended certain restaurants and coffee shops for their tour stops, which led me to my lunch stop at Acquario Pizza!  Then I grabbed Sugar Llamas for a snack because when I travel, even for a day trip, I feel like I need to eat fun foods!! #noragrets

A pic with Katie Boatman, the co-founder of Single Purpose League on Annie's team!  I listened to a podcast this week that I really appreciated and talked with her about that (HERE).

My new book with a bookmark and autograph from AFD, and a Waffles Kaufholz sticker ("Go wash your hands" was Annie's pandemic sign-off line, and "Bye, Buddies" was Eddie's, hence, The Buddies Tour!)

I also bought the t-shirt and changed into it immediately, because why not!?

It made me happy to see Annie's fiance, JW, there as the DJ hyping up the crowd! lol

They jumped right into talking about all manner of nonsense, along with a few serious topics!

I'm such a fan of them both... their walks with God, their long-term friendship, their sense of humor, their love/hate of running, their love of SNL and pop culture, their health goals and struggles, etc.

Their dynamic (the mix of personalities, the earned mutual respect, the consistent jokes and entertaining rants, and of course, Annie being single while Eddie is married with a wife and children) often reminds me of my friendship with Chettles, and it's nice to see that modeled somewhere!

I'm also a long-term follower of Annie and appreciate the way she models being a single woman who has a vibrant life and walk with God... I'm a fan, so much so that I bought this dress when she sold some items from her closet earlier this year! lol  (It looks pink on her and coral on me, but it's definitely the exact same dress - fun!)

The show was so fun - lots of laughter and good memories and words of wisdom!  In spite of the insane random traffic jam I faced on my drive home, it was very worth the trip!!

Till next time, "Bye, Buddies!"

❤ ❤ ❤

Diesel Eugene

May is absurdly full, but I'm happy about all the fun events and photo ops! =)

Speaking of, Diesel Eugene had his 6th grade graduation and awards ceremony last Thursday!

He won awards for STEAM, math, reading 35 books, and the lifer award for his attendance at Apple Creek!

Aunt Lindsey, Wesson, and Nash

Giving his dad the thumbs up!

Frankie threw his hand in to be sure we'd remember he was there too... mission accomplished! lol

Three of their fav teachers... the music teacher pulled a Mel Robbins move with the "In case no one else tells you this today, I want to be sure you know that I love you and believe in you," and you could tell it's been a repeated speech and that the students love him too!

Whitaker fam! ❤

Diesel and his grandma!

Lock fam!

And one last pic by the photo wall for me!

Congrats to Diesel Eugene on the end of his elementary years!!

❤ ❤ ❤

On Grieving with Hope

The long and winding Dead-End Road...

• I was 26 years old the first time I considered adopting a child as a single woman (HERE).
• At 33, I took the 3-weekend DHS foster parenting training classes and completed my first home study (HERE).
• At 37, after grieving the Malori friendship (round 2), I felt like God gave me the green light to pursue adoption in the fall of 2021 (HERE).
• I made a profile book, did a home study update, met with an Oklahoma adoption attorney, worked with a Florida adoption agency, and connected with a struggling single birth-mom who ended up deciding to keep her child (at the time).
• After hitting some roadblocks in all of the above, at 38, immediately after moving back to the Moore area, I started medical appointments to try for a donor-insemination pregnancy... trying four IUI procedures that were unsuccessful (HERE).  I tried a fifth time a year later - also unsuccessful.  Lots of positive ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests = rough emotionally.
• At 39, I signed up for embryo adoption... and just after turning 40, I was devastated to learn that both embryo matches (from two different placing families) were not medically viable for transfer (HERE).
• That was a big part of the motivation behind choosing weight loss surgery that summer - to be healthier for a potential pregnancy.  
• In the meantime, I had another surgery to remove a uterine polyp (HERE), and I was matched with another placing family with embryos that could not be transferred (which everyone told me was a major anomaly, which had me questioning God's plan).
• Then at 41, just after starting the PhD program, I was overjoyed to be matched with a biracial placing family.  But as it moved closer, I wrestled with A LOT of anxiety and doubt, knowing how much it would change my life, and not knowing if those changes were truly desirable.
• Last September, I learned that I would need a third surgery to remove uterine fibroids that would make the already-high-risk pregnancy even more dangerous and difficult.  And after a lot of prayer and internal wrestling with whether God was in this (HERE), I finally decided to close the door on the embryo adoption path (HERE).

So I spent thousands of dollars, invested a lot of emotional energy, met with attorneys and daycares, talked with adoption judges, endured several painful medical procedures, had two surgeries, had long talks with friends and family, and spent a lot of time in prayer.  It's exhausting just reading about it now.  (That list was focused on motherhood, but I could make a similar list about the various dating apps and setups I have tried, all with a similar disappointing ending, with the added bonus of feeling personally rejected/unchosen).  God has been kind and comforted me through the various losses, and I have genuinely learned a lot through all of this, but I would LOVE to have more than personal growth to show for the above efforts.

I live a blessed life in so many ways, and I am grateful for all that God has given me!

It is also true that I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 20s. 

I will never know what it feels like to be a wife or mother in my 30s.

I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my body.

Thus far, I do not know what it feels like to be desired/pursued by a really good Christian man.

And that's hard.  And there is genuine, valid grief for all of that.

There is also fear (that stems from poor theology ingrained in childhood) of my life never having full value as an unmarried, childless woman.  And in my case, there is maybe-unfair shame over not hearing correctly from God on the above decisions and pursuits, and fear of publicly failing again.  I feel like I am trying to stay very still, and it's making me think about Exodus 14 (where Moses tells them to be still, then God promptly tells them to move on).

After thinking it over, I've realized that in this season, I am not grieving over the loss of motherhood so much as I am grieving the loss of a clear end goal and purpose.  The degree, the health journey, and everything else I pursued felt more meaningful with that overarching relational goal in mind.  Without that, I feel very adrift, and I hate that feeling.

I know in my heart that God is a God of hope and redemption, and I am doing my best to hold on to that.  To believe there are far better things ahead.  To lean into His power, love, and a sound mind rather than focusing on fear.  I need a new relational goal that feels clear and compelling.  And aligned!

So I am praying for fresh clarity, wisdom, and COURAGE to take bold action toward new meaningful goals that God puts on my heart.  I want to live a FRUITFUL life and to walk in true alignment with God's plan and path for me, and it is NOT easy for me to trust that in any direction right now.  But I know that staying stuck is not His best for me either.  

Prayers for God-given healing, wisdom, clarity, alignment, and courage would be most appreciated!

That's all for now.  I needed to dive into the deep end and get some of that written down and out of my head this morning, but now I am off to Keller, TX for The Buddies Tour with Annie and Eddie - YAY!!

❤ ❤ ❤