Last One for Today

Okay, back to lighter and happier topics... here's a sunny pic from the Jaceman's CHA football game last night!  Mom videoed every play he was in (70+ videos), Rach cheered hard, and I was generally oblivious to what was happening on the field, but happy to be there!  (Dad came late after a golf tournament and left early because his friend, Rick, is in the hospital.)

Miss K hanging out with her friend's little sister... cuteness! =)

Post-game pic... the ladies of the fam with Jace Michael! 
(Photo by K-Faith, who objected to being in it.)

Mother/Son pic!

Just a CHA t-shirt I liked!

Truth.

More truth - I'm in a pruning season, and that's okay.
Also, on the right is my random plant from Trader Joes that is growing and doing well! =)

Goals.  "Be brave enough to imagine what could go right!"

Some CHA pics from "See You At The Pole Day."  It feels poignant to think of students gathering early to pray for our country... then seeing the close-up pic with some obvious bored expressions, tired yawns, and eyerolls made me laugh.  (Still great that they showed up!)

A CCU campus pic that made me happy!

I am planning to take a blogging break for most of the month ahead, so I wanted to be fully caught up here tonight!  I hope you've had a lovely September.

❤ ❤ ❤

Septembers I Remember

As a past-oriented Ennegram 9 (something interesting I learned about in Suzanne's book this month), I like to look for patterns.  

In spite of my genuine love for football season, Fair food, and Fall fun with friends and family, September has historically been a bit of a sad month for me...

2001 – My Senior year at CHA, crystalized memories of watching the national news in Mrs. Young’s office on September 11th

2002 – Trying to find my footing as a new college student at OBU; unsure of my major and not loving the bug-filled dorm room; very much missing my family and CHA friends

2010 – Frustrated with single life and shifting relationships; wrote my first blog post contemplating single motherhood (15th)

2012 – Struggling through a difficult Statistics class at SNU-Tulsa

2013 – Got my printed SNU diploma the same day Malori confirmed our friendship was over (9-6); Lots of grief over that ending + lots of time with newborn Kyndal Faith

2014 – Came off of the antidepressant medication; Walked out of a crazy “prayer ministry” cult (9-19)

2015 – Received a maddening rejection email from SNU’s master’s degree program (reason still unknown) on the day of Sarah’s monkey bread fiasco (9-25)

2016 – Gradually reconnected with a newly-married friend after not speaking for seven months

2019 – Handwriting thank-you notes with Mom after Grandad’s funeral

2020 – Malori announced her family was moving back to OKC, which ironically meant increasing tension and disconnection in our friendship

2021 – Car wreck in Ruby Claire just before my first home study with Shay at 522; (also finished my first adoption profile book)

2022 – Touring my nearly-complete new construction Taber home; lab work and IUI appointments at OU Reproductive; processing some negative pregnancy tests on my own

2023 – Adjusting to the busier schedule with my internship at Restore; Babah’s rapid decline, hospice, death, and memorial service

(The FB memory that got me thinking about this pattern today.  I so love these pics of the Wilson fam!)

2024 – A jarring, friendship-altering conversation on the 3rd; my video interview for a CCU professor job (never heard back); the death of Maggie Smith

2025 – More vulnerable and emotionally-painful Dallas IVF appointments; feeling overwhelmed and under-motivated in multiple areas of life; paused my candidacy hours; briefly researched surrogacy; finally closed the embryo adoption chapter

Even in my current state of mild exhaustion, I feel deeply aware that God's grace has been consistent in every melancholy element and painful season of my life, and I'm grateful He has blessed me with dependable friends and family!

I'm also very grateful that we get to start fresh with a new month tomorrow!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Brilliant Books!

1.  I've Never Been Here Before: Our Family's Year of Budget Travel, Wandering the World, and Finding the Sacred by Ashley Campbell

I adore Ashley and love her photos and perspective and family stories, and I highly recommend this book (full post HERE).  An audiobook version is not yet available, but I had Gwyneth Paltrow's voice read it to me on Speechify, and that was pretty great! =)

2.  Supersurvivors: The Surprising Link Between Suffering and Success by David Feldman and Lee Kravetz

A Dr. Burkhart recommendation that aligns well with my interests!  I will always love stories of resilient people who overcome hardship and live lives that have a great impact!!

3.  Hero on a Mission: A Path to a Meaningful Life by Donald Miller

It was good to revisit this one for my Leadership class presentation.  This book (and the 2012 precursor to it, Storyline) changed the course of my life.  I will forever be grateful to Donald Miller for his perspective and his inspiring journey!  Original blog post HERE.

4.  The Journey Toward Wholeness: Enneagram Wisdom for Stress, Balance, and Transformation by Suzanne Stabile

Good wisdom for each of the nine personality types on the Enneagram - she talks about how we react to stress and how to let go of our defense mechanisms and become more whole and healed.  I took pages of notes about the Ennegram 9 (me).  Side note: As a Tulsa-loving 9 with a dominant 1-wing and inferior 8-wing, it makes me happy that my personality is 918.

"Nines have the least energy of any type on the enneagram… they want to keep out anything that might steal their peace and keep in anything that might cause trouble! Notice how often you choose not to say something that you believe could cause fragmentation.  Nines desire to be unaffected by life, especially conflict.  Healthy nines serve as peacemakers and mediators.  It's a joy to encounter nines when they are secure and well-integrated.  When nines are stressed, they disengage.  They may temporarily lose the optimism and faith that normally sustains them.   The unconscious childhood message for 9s is: It's not okay to assert yourself.  But it is okay.  Part of your work and responsibility is to find a way to make your thoughts and feelings known to others, even those who might disagree.  Please consider giving up your tendency to erase yourself, and choose participation instead.

Change is when we take on something new.  Transformation occurs when something old falls away... The wisdom teachers I respect insist that all great spirituality is about letting go.  Could you develop a plan for allowing pain from your past to fall away?  You might be surprised with the energy that is the result of letting go!

Nines are well loved… We appreciate the gift you have of seeing two sides to everything and the way it equips you for mediation between people who want to get along but can't...  You are thoughtful and loyal and treasured by almost all the people who know you.  It's heartbreaking when you think you are unimportant or that what you offer is something anyone else could have contributed.  Your presence matters.  And if you don't remember anything else from this chapter, please remember that.” ❤

5.  The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath and Dan Heath

Another Dr. Burkhart recommendation that I really enjoyed!  They encourage us to be intentional about creating defining moments by prioritizing elevation (a vivid and extraordinary atmosphere), pride (validating and celebrating achievements and growth), insight (learning something new), and connection (a memorable shared experience that leads to good conversation)!  The EPIC acronym helps me remember that.  *Fun fact: Dr. Burkhart told me they redesigned the CCU Residency weekends after he read this book, and I can confirm that it was effective!

6.  Younger Next Year, for Women: Live Like You're 50 - Strong, Fit, Sexy - Until You're 80 and Beyond by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge

A Facebook recommendation from Dana Logsdon.  Their tone and delivery leave something to be desired, but the authors had a lot of great practical advice!  Their strongest and most repeated advice backed by loads of scientific research was to build a keystone habit of working out for 45 minutes six days a week (getting good cardio 4 days a week and strength training 2 days a week).  I'm taking that to heart as life moves forward!

7.  Boundaries for Leaders: Why Some People Get Results and Others Don't by Dr. Henry Cloud

A little tedious, but there was a lot of good insight here.  It led to a lot of me pondering where and how I might be called to lead.

8.  The Wedding People: A Novel by Alison Espach

Not a Christian book, but it was recommended by Katie and Ashley in my lifegroup (just bc they enjoyed it).  This one hit me kinda like The Authenticity Project.  The main character is Phoebe, a detail-oriented, intelligent, and quietly depressed single woman in her early 40s who decides life isn't really worth living anymore after years of painful fertility struggles and bad relationship endings and slowly realizing her dream of motherhood will probably never happen and that all the hard work and time she put into her doctorate was barely interesting to her anymore and she is mostly unfulfilled by her work as a college literature professor.  Nope, not kidding.  Following a relational betrayal and the death of a beloved pet, she books an expensive solo trip to a fancy hotel to have a fantastic 'last meal' before taking pills to quietly end her life.  She soon realizes she is the only hotel guest who is not there for the extravagant wedding happening that weekend... and she gradually and reluctantly meets several new people who change her perspective, including a kind widower with a young daughter who misses her mom.  (Yes, please.)  There are a few things I would have left out, but overall, it's well written and relatable with a good redemptive arc in the end.  The emphasis is on our ability to change our minds and shift our course to create a vastly different life that makes us happier and more energized, which feels encouraging to me even now!

9.  Write Your Story: A Simple Framework to Understand Yourself, Your Story, and Your Purpose in the World by Allison Fallon

My second time through this one (also to help with my Leadership presentation).  I love this framework and plan to use it soon!

Happy Tuesday, friends, and happy reading!

❤ ❤ ❤

Living Proof

I was very grateful to attend the Living Proof Live event with Beth Moore and her team this weekend!  I bought the ticket months ago and was going on my own, then I ran into Kantrell just after getting out of my car, so I sat with her and Amber both days.  This = our pic on Saturday morning... living proof that God redeems! ❤

Worship with Travis Cottrell is always good... this whole conference makes me want to join them for the Alaska cruise next summer!!  

We sat in the very back row on Friday night!

Beth introducing her 16-year-old granddaughter, Anna Beth.  I for sure remember being in a Bible study of hers when Amanda was pregnant with this girl, so it made me happy to see her there!

*Friday was the two-year anniversary of Babah's funeral, where I wrote the obituary and led the prayer and eulogy at her graveside and memorial service.  Looking back, I feel grateful for that opportunity and proud that I stepped up for it.

Ran into Laura and Angie, friends from Kelly's Diving Deeper Women's Lifegroup of yesteryear!!  Good to catch up with them while we snacked on SkinnyPop Popcorn during our 30-minute break on Saturday morning!

Beth is the best!  (She had a surgery that made it difficult for her to kneel and get back up on stage, so a friend of hers built this bench so that she could continue her tradition of kneeling in prayer at the beginning of every event!)

Beth taught on Ecclesiastes... not what I would have expected, but of course, it was good!  I was laughing because I really wanted a very clear "Let go" or "Hold on" theme, and instead I got the vague, "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away" passage, along with several peppy reminders from the teacher in Ecclesiastes that much of what happens under the sun is meaningless, senseless, futile, vain, absurd, and out of our control.  Beth said this book gives us "a soulmate in our anguished doubt."  That and her encouragement to keep an "above the sun perspective" were honestly well-timed.  Ironically, I was at the Beth Moore live event in Tulsa on this very same weekend in 2013 (yay FB memories)... I have loved her books and Bible studies for 20+ years, and I am deeply grateful for Beth's influence in my life and my walk with Christ!!

I stayed at the Southern Hills Marriott on Friday night, which was a solid call.  The Friday night session ended at 9:30, then Saturday, we started back at 8am.  After we dismissed at noon, I met Tiffany Joanne and Laura Allison for lunch at McAlister's!  We celebrated Tiffany's life and the one-year anniversary of the life-saving surgery (removing blood clots from her lungs), and we talked and caught up on life and work for over three hours.  It was good to connect with them!!

From there, I headed to Melissa's to watch the second half of the OSU-Baylor game with Melissa and Karli and the kids whilst Chettles finished showing some nearby Executive Homes!  Parker Elizabeth was in a fun and cuddly mood that day, which was a delight to my soul. =)

This = her being proud of her kid's menu artwork! lol #preshface

We had dinner at Los Cabos, always a favorite for me!  We were able to get in without a wait if we sat on the covered patio, which was lovely other than the band being incredibly close and loud.  They took a break through the main part of our meal, so we were able to talk without yelling during that time. lol  Tate was very into his book, and Parker was watching the band pretty closely.

Just a little light reading under the waterfall! lol  I like that this is not a posed candid - he was just genuinely into the book on that level. =)

For those close enough to pay attention to this saga, I'm grateful that you care.  After LOTS of prayer and back-and-forth inner wrestling and hard conversations and personal journaling and seeking clarity, I have decided to close the chapter on the embryo adoption journey.  I'm not closing my heart to motherhood, but not putting myself through any more physical, mental, and emotional hurdles on this particular route.  I am tired of life feeling "on pause," so finally making a decision and being able to move forward accordingly is a relief at this point, but there is grief that comes with it too.

For now, I'm going to process this privately, but we all know I'm likely to write more about it down the road.  Truly, thank you for your support and understanding, both now and through the past several years as I took serious steps to pursue this goal, which became a catalyst for so many other positive life changes!  This is a hard part of my story, but not in the way I imagined.  God's grace is very present and sufficient.  I believe He is with me and for me, and I trust that He has good and hopeful things planned for my future even now... prayers for peace are appreciated as I heal and seek to honor God with my life moving forward!

The same holds true for you.

God is faithful, and His mercy is new today - lean into that!

❤ ❤ ❤

Compassionate Confrontation

“Honest, direct confrontation is a true expression of compassion. As Christians, we are in the world without being of it. It is precisely this position that renders confrontation both possible and necessary... We cannot suffer with the poor when we are unwilling to confront those persons and systems that cause poverty. We cannot set the captives free when we do not want to confront those who carry the keys. We cannot profess our solidarity with those who are oppressed when we are unwilling to confront the oppressor. Compassion without confrontation fades quickly into fruitless sentimental commiseration.”

~Henri Nouwen

Oof, this hit me hard today - what a fantastic quote!

He's not wrong.  I feel very experienced with "fruitless sentimental commiseration." lol  And while I believe there is some real value in empathetic connection and reminding people they are not alone, I want to grow in honest, direct confrontation.  Real compassion requires action.  Addressing what is wrong.  Speaking up for those who cannot speak for themselves.  Walking with assertive confidence and Godly authority.  Confronting evil rather than lamenting it or numbing myself to it while feigning powerlessness and remaining quiet.

Confrontation is not my strong suit,

but we can do hard things!

#growthmindset

Fun Fact: I finished the OKC Memorial Marathon five months ago, and I will cross the finish line with Chet Lee in the Route 66 Marathon (full for him; relay for me) less than two months from now! #getexcited

Hope it's been a lovely weekend for you.

I'll see you here tomorrow!

❤ ❤ ❤

Words of Wisdom

Happy Friday, friends.  Mel Robbins had Kellie Gerardi on her podcast this week, and they talked about Kellie's career as a researcher and astronaut.  They also discussed her public journey with IVF and the high anticipatory stress and multiple miscarriages she has endured.  Parts of it felt very timely and encouraging, and I'm confident I'll share more of my thoughts next week.

My top takeaways:

On Her IVF Journey:

• "The journey of infertility and loss is not new to me, but sharing it in real time certainly is...  I've reached this point where I was sharing so much about my personal life and my work that it felt remiss to not be talking about the 1,000-pound elephant that was sitting on top of me in my life.  And I think that is such an insidious part of IVF is that it becomes so all-consuming... mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, no matter how full your life is, this becomes the A-plot... This fertility odyssey is something that so many women navigate invisibly and still show up to everything else in their life because they have to, and I really wanted to de-stigmatize that and show other women they are not alone." -Kellie

On Grief, Hope, and Vulnerability

• "I would rather spend nine weeks living in hope and optimism, and then feel disappointed than to brace for nine weeks...  In the waiting, I feel like I'm actually holding energy that something negative is going to happen if I'm living in a state of bracing instead of a state of celebration!" -Mel

• Grief is not something we have to carry in silence.  Sharing our struggles invites support, not pity.

• Hope doesn’t increase the disappointment, but it makes the waiting more meaningful.

• Anxiety is natural, but catastrophizing drains our joy.  It's best to let ourselves feel the excitement and possibility of what could go right.

On Community and Transparency

• "There was such a low chance that something could go wrong at this point.  And then you realize that there are always people who fall on the sad side of those statistics, and this time, I was one of them...  So often, we're made to feel like this is our private burden to navigate in isolation, and I reject that... That's not how I want to live.  I wanted the support; I wanted to lean on my community because this was devastating.  And I did share in real time." -Kellie
  

• Transparency relieves the pressure while revealing who is truly in our corner.

• "No one wants to be perceived as the one who's pitied when everyone else is enjoying success, and it can be so limiting to carry that burden.  My biggest takeaway from all of this is that sharing your struggles does not make you a burden to the people who care about you." -Kellie

On Resilience and Reinvention

• "When I hit a brick wall, I am changing my approach, not my goal." -Kellie

• Success often comes from failing more times than others are willing to try.

• Reinvention is possible at any age or stage of life!

• Keep asking yourself: Who am I now?  What drains me, and what energizes me?  It helps you decide where to spend your energy.

On Courage and Playing Big

• "People will judge you whether you're playing small or playing big... let them.  And you might as well play big!" -Mel

• Naming your fears shrinks them.  "When you examine: What is it I'm actually afraid of [in other people's reactions]?  And if you put it down on a piece of paper, you recognize it's not that scary, and actually, it's kind of ridiculous." -Mel

• True grit and resilience means getting back up over and over, and letting people watch and help and cheer you on along the way.

• "Give yourself permission to reach a little bit higher... Double down on the bet on yourself, and make sure you're not applying other people's limits on your own dreams." -Kellie

"And in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that, as your friend, I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only see a bigger possibility, but to create a better life!!" -Mel (and me)

❤ ❤ ❤

Thankful Thursday #231

"Be glad for all God is planning for you.

Be patient in trouble,

and always be prayerful."

Romans 12:12

Today, I am thankful for:

1.  Football season and family dinners... this week, we did the Olive Garden by Quail Springs after Jace's game on Monday, where we had fantastic service!

2.  Moving closer to clarity.  (Not making a firm decision until Monday, as I'm headed to a Beth Moore event tomorrow and Saturday and hoping God will speak to me through that.)

3.  Choosing to pause my candidacy work at the end of this month, as it is the area of my life consistently producing the least reward and the most stress.

4.  Little things that make me happy... including my podcast friends, Mel and Sophie and Cole!  Walks down Main Street Norman, and pretty fall flowers for KW's grinspirational breakfast. ;-) 

5.  The dependable friendship + support + wisdom of Chettles... and the fact that Parker Elizabeth took Emily (the doll I got her for her 4th bday this year) for her show-and-tell today! =)

6.  Lindsay Jane... who is cultivating generosity, purpose, and strength in mind, body, soul, and spirit in the midst of grief and change.  I so admire her!  (Today = National Daughter's Day and Aspyn's 10th Birthday in Heaven!)

7.  People who inspire me... including the Campbell fam, Judge Farris and Judge Hammers, and Joy, Lauren, and Amy (at the AACC conference in Nashville this week).

Song of the Week = The Vow by Ed Sheeran ❤

When he goes acapella, it is chef's kiss. lol

I'm such a fan!

Okaaay, now back to Cobra Kai (...it never dies).  Happy Thursday, fram!

Make it a great weekend ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤