Therapy Takeaways

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.  That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.  If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.  Shame hates having words wrapped around it.  If we speak shame, it begins to wither.  Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.”  ~Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Or as Mister Rogers says, "Anything mentionable is manageable."

My year of therapy work with Emily was largely about seeing myself in a new light—creating a safe place to say the hard things and begin untangling from shame.  I think I’m just starting to feel the ripple effects of that work.

Yesterday was our last regularly-scheduled session, and we're moving to an as-needed basis now.  We've had virtual sessions every other week throughout the past year.  It's the longest I've worked with any counselor, and thus the most deeply I've trusted any counselor and the most progress I've made in any one-year period of life.  (She's a PsyD technically working as a life coach, but she's very well trained, and we dove into past, present, and future topics, so I view her as a counselor/therapist.)

Among other things, we've explored:

• Separating physical hunger cues from visual/mental/emotional food cravings
• Post-surgery hormone fluctuations and early emotional panic and overwhelm
• Shame and trauma around weight, food, and past labels
• Healthy ways to handle new attention and potential unsolicited feedback
• How to discuss nutrition and surgery with others on my terms
• Body image issues and concerns that feel shallow to me but still matter
• The restrict/binge cycle and what holistic health really looks like
• Doubting myself as a clinician, especially while working with younger kids at Restore
• Marathon training; the toxic parts of diet culture and how that has affected me
• Reframing my mindset and language to center on "taking good care of myself"
• Online dating, the burned haystack dating method, necessary boundaries
• Paying attention to my intuition, paying less attention to what everyone else wants, rebuilding self-trust!!
• Tracing where I lost self-trust; discussing the effects of toxic positivity
• Marriage and motherhood, embryo adoption, grieving past efforts that have failed there
• The doctoral program, writing a memoir book, and other meaningful life goals
• Unconventional paths to success; being willing to reassess and redefine it
• Setting good boundaries, dealing with relational conflict
• Navigating a major change in a close friendship
• The value of friendships where I truly feel safe
• Anxiety around travel, politics, relationships, and feeling uninteresting
• Changing family dynamics, ambiguous grief, future transitions
• Letting go of the idea that I have to stay in counseling forever, even if I don't enjoy it
• Freeing myself from ignorant and hurtful comments that caused shame and self-doubt
• Past and present grief, the fullness of my past rejection stories, Bells Palsy, and my heart for families dealing with medical challenges
• Speaking out loud the major shame comments that stuck in my mind (and decreasing their power over me)
• What I learned from the Mel Robbins Launch course and Let Them theory
• My core values, growing spiritually, growing as a leader, crazy church group stories and how that affects my view of IFS, challenging myself to join a new small group
• Book recommendations, potential dissertation topics, and APA vs. CACREP PhDs
• Considering the advice my 90-year-old self would give me
• Making decisions with the lens of what I would regret walking away from

Gracious, a lot happens in any given year, and the past year was particularly pivotal and transformational in my life!  I am beyond grateful for Emily's validation, gentleness, empathy, support, example, and wisdom!  Feeling seen and heard matters, and even if we only discussed some of the above one time, it's made a difference for me.  Our session yesterday was fantastic -- I shared my news about the doctoral residency trip and details of the embryo adoption match -- we celebrated all of that together and processed the new ways God is working in my heart and life.  Then we briefly discussed her dissertation topic (on finding meaning and purpose after you reach the acceptance stage of deep grief, based on Victor Frankl's book and logotherapy, which is what inspired Donald Miller's Hero on a Mission, so we talked about that too!)...  Then we went 30 minutes over time going over our original therapy goals (5) and discussing takeaways and areas where we see growth and improvement.  She said she is cheering me on and praying for me, and reminded me that I should let myself celebrate and feel joy and trust that I can handle it if things do not work out the way I'm hoping.  I'm going to collect my thoughts and write an email thanking her for helping me through the past year.  We've built a solid foundation now, and I will absolutely call her and set up a session when the next season calls for extra support or discernment.

Emily (left) with Amy and Lynda from Oak Haven

All our sessions have been virtual, but I hope to get a photo with Emily next time I have an opportunity!  Either way, I'm grateful for all the ways our therapeutic relationship has added value to my life... not the least of which was providing a solid example for me as I prepare to begin working with clients again soon!! ❤