Living Proof

I was very grateful to attend the Living Proof Live event with Beth Moore and her team this weekend!  I bought the ticket months ago and was going on my own, then I ran into Kantrell just after getting out of my car, so I sat with her and Amber both days.  This = our pic on Saturday morning... living proof that God redeems! ❤

Worship with Travis Cottrell is always good... this whole conference makes me want to join them for the Alaska cruise next summer!!  

We sat in the very back row on Friday night!

Beth introducing her 16-year-old granddaughter, Anna Beth.  I for sure remember being in a Bible study of hers when Amanda was pregnant with this girl, so it made me happy to see her there!

*Friday was the two-year anniversary of Babah's funeral, where I wrote the obituary and led the prayer and eulogy at her graveside and memorial service.  Looking back, I feel grateful for that opportunity and proud that I stepped up for it.

Ran into Laura and Angie, friends from Kelly's Diving Deeper Women's Lifegroup of yesteryear!!  Good to catch up with them while we snacked on SkinnyPop Popcorn during our 30-minute break on Saturday morning!

Beth is the best!  (She had a surgery that made it difficult for her to kneel and get back up on stage, so a friend of hers built this bench so that she could continue her tradition of kneeling in prayer at the beginning of every event!)

Beth taught on Ecclesiastes... not what I would have expected, but of course, it was good!  I was laughing because I really wanted a very clear "Let go" or "Hold on" theme, and instead I got the vague, "There is a time to keep and a time to cast away" passage, along with several peppy reminders from the teacher in Ecclesiastes that much of what happens under the sun is meaningless, senseless, futile, vain, absurd, and out of our control.  Beth said this book gives us "a soulmate in our anguished doubt."  That and her encouragement to keep an "above the sun perspective" were honestly well-timed.  Ironically, I was at the Beth Moore live event in Tulsa on this very same weekend in 2013 (yay FB memories)... I have loved her books and Bible studies for 20+ years, and I am deeply grateful for Beth's influence in my life and my walk with Christ!!

I stayed at the Southern Hills Marriott on Friday night, which was a solid call.  The Friday night session ended at 9:30, then Saturday, we started back at 8am.  After we dismissed at noon, I met Tiffany Joanne and Laura Allison for lunch at McAlister's!  We celebrated Tiffany's life and the one-year anniversary of the life-saving surgery (removing blood clots from her lungs), and we talked and caught up on life and work for over three hours.  It was good to connect with them!!

From there, I headed to Melissa's to watch the second half of the OSU-Baylor game with Melissa and Karli and the kids whilst Chettles finished showing some nearby Executive Homes!  Parker Elizabeth was in a fun and cuddly mood that day, which was a delight to my soul. =)

This = her being proud of her kid's menu artwork! lol #preshface

We had dinner at Los Cabos, always a favorite for me!  We were able to get in without a wait if we sat on the covered patio, which was lovely other than the band being incredibly close and loud.  They took a break through the main part of our meal, so we were able to talk without yelling during that time. lol  Tate was very into his book, and Parker was watching the band pretty closely.

Just a little light reading under the waterfall! lol  I like that this is not a posed candid - he was just genuinely into the book on that level. =)

For those close enough to pay attention to this saga, I'm grateful that you care.  After LOTS of prayer and back-and-forth inner wrestling and hard conversations and personal journaling and seeking clarity, I have decided to close the chapter on the embryo adoption journey.  I'm not closing my heart to motherhood, but not putting myself through any more physical, mental, and emotional hurdles on this particular route.  I am tired of life feeling "on pause," so finally making a decision and being able to move forward accordingly is a relief at this point, but there is grief that comes with it too.

For now, I'm going to process this privately, but we all know I'm likely to write more about it down the road.  Truly, thank you for your support and understanding, both now and through the past several years as I took serious steps to pursue this goal, which became a catalyst for so many other positive life changes!  This is a hard part of my story, but not in the way I imagined.  God's grace is very present and sufficient.  I believe He is with me and for me, and I trust that He has good and hopeful things planned for my future even now... prayers for peace are appreciated as I heal and seek to honor God with my life moving forward!

The same holds true for you.

God is faithful, and His mercy is new today - lean into that!

❤ ❤ ❤

Compassionate Confrontation

“Honest, direct confrontation is a true expression of compassion. As Christians, we are in the world without being of it. It is precisely this position that renders confrontation both possible and necessary... We cannot suffer with the poor when we are unwilling to confront those persons and systems that cause poverty. We cannot set the captives free when we do not want to confront those who carry the keys. We cannot profess our solidarity with those who are oppressed when we are unwilling to confront the oppressor. Compassion without confrontation fades quickly into fruitless sentimental commiseration.”

~Henri Nouwen

Oof, this hit me hard today - what a fantastic quote!

He's not wrong.  I feel very experienced with "fruitless sentimental commiseration." lol  And while I believe there is some real value in empathetic connection and reminding people they are not alone, I want to grow in honest, direct confrontation.  Real compassion requires action.  Addressing what is wrong.  Speaking up for those who cannot speak for themselves.  Walking with assertive confidence and Godly authority.  Confronting evil rather than lamenting it or numbing myself to it while feigning powerlessness and remaining quiet.

Confrontation is not my strong suit,

but we can do hard things!

#growthmindset

Fun Fact: I finished the OKC Memorial Marathon five months ago, and I will cross the finish line with Chet Lee in the Route 66 Marathon (full for him; relay for me) less than two months from now! #getexcited

Hope it's been a lovely weekend for you.

I'll see you here tomorrow!

❤ ❤ ❤

Words of Wisdom

Happy Friday, friends.  Mel Robbins had Kellie Gerardi on her podcast this week, and they talked about Kellie's career as a researcher and astronaut.  They also discussed her public journey with IVF and the high anticipatory stress and multiple miscarriages she has endured.  Parts of it felt very timely and encouraging, and I'm confident I'll share more of my thoughts next week.

My top takeaways:

On Her IVF Journey:

• "The journey of infertility and loss is not new to me, but sharing it in real time certainly is...  I've reached this point where I was sharing so much about my personal life and my work that it felt remiss to not be talking about the 1,000-pound elephant that was sitting on top of me in my life.  And I think that is such an insidious part of IVF is that it becomes so all-consuming... mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, no matter how full your life is, this becomes the A-plot... This fertility odyssey is something that so many women navigate invisibly and still show up to everything else in their life because they have to, and I really wanted to de-stigmatize that and show other women they are not alone." -Kellie

On Grief, Hope, and Vulnerability

• "I would rather spend nine weeks living in hope and optimism, and then feel disappointed than to brace for nine weeks...  In the waiting, I feel like I'm actually holding energy that something negative is going to happen if I'm living in a state of bracing instead of a state of celebration!" -Mel

• Grief is not something we have to carry in silence.  Sharing our struggles invites support, not pity.

• Hope doesn’t increase the disappointment, but it makes the waiting more meaningful.

• Anxiety is natural, but catastrophizing drains our joy.  It's best to let ourselves feel the excitement and possibility of what could go right.

On Community and Transparency

• "There was such a low chance that something could go wrong at this point.  And then you realize that there are always people who fall on the sad side of those statistics, and this time, I was one of them...  So often, we're made to feel like this is our private burden to navigate in isolation, and I reject that... That's not how I want to live.  I wanted the support; I wanted to lean on my community because this was devastating.  And I did share in real time." -Kellie
  

• Transparency relieves the pressure while revealing who is truly in our corner.

• "No one wants to be perceived as the one who's pitied when everyone else is enjoying success, and it can be so limiting to carry that burden.  My biggest takeaway from all of this is that sharing your struggles does not make you a burden to the people who care about you." -Kellie

On Resilience and Reinvention

• "When I hit a brick wall, I am changing my approach, not my goal." -Kellie

• Success often comes from failing more times than others are willing to try.

• Reinvention is possible at any age or stage of life!

• Keep asking yourself: Who am I now?  What drains me, and what energizes me?  It helps you decide where to spend your energy.

On Courage and Playing Big

• "People will judge you whether you're playing small or playing big... let them.  And you might as well play big!" -Mel

• Naming your fears shrinks them.  "When you examine: What is it I'm actually afraid of [in other people's reactions]?  And if you put it down on a piece of paper, you recognize it's not that scary, and actually, it's kind of ridiculous." -Mel

• True grit and resilience means getting back up over and over, and letting people watch and help and cheer you on along the way.

• "Give yourself permission to reach a little bit higher... Double down on the bet on yourself, and make sure you're not applying other people's limits on your own dreams." -Kellie

"And in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that, as your friend, I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to not only see a bigger possibility, but to create a better life!!" -Mel (and me)

❤ ❤ ❤

Thankful Thursday #231

"Be glad for all God is planning for you.

Be patient in trouble,

and always be prayerful."

Romans 12:12

Today, I am thankful for:

1.  Football season and family dinners... this week, we did the Olive Garden by Quail Springs after Jace's game on Monday, where we had fantastic service!

2.  Moving closer to clarity.  (Not making a firm decision until Monday, as I'm headed to a Beth Moore event tomorrow and Saturday and hoping God will speak to me through that.)

3.  Choosing to pause my candidacy work at the end of this month, as it is the area of my life consistently producing the least reward and the most stress.

4.  Little things that make me happy... including my podcast friends, Mel and Sophie and Cole!  Walks down Main Street Norman, and pretty fall flowers for KW's grinspirational breakfast. ;-) 

5.  The dependable friendship + support + wisdom of Chettles... and the fact that Parker Elizabeth took Emily (the doll I got her for her 4th bday this year) for her show-and-tell today! =)

6.  Lindsay Jane... who is cultivating generosity, purpose, and strength in mind, body, soul, and spirit in the midst of grief and change.  I so admire her!  (Today = National Daughter's Day and Aspyn's 10th Birthday in Heaven!)

7.  People who inspire me... including the Campbell fam, Judge Farris and Judge Hammers, and Joy, Lauren, and Amy (at the AACC conference in Nashville this week).

Song of the Week = The Vow by Ed Sheeran ❤

When he goes acapella, it is chef's kiss. lol

I'm such a fan!

Okaaay, now back to Cobra Kai (...it never dies).  Happy Thursday, fram!

Make it a great weekend ahead!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Monday Musings

Grateful for a sunset prayer walk this weekend.

The fall weather was perfect, and being by the water is always good for my soul.  I put on some classical music and talked to God, doing my best to listen for His voice... I eventually turned the music off altogether hoping to feel more focused.  

Tuning into God's voice feels more difficult than usual in the midst of big decisions.  The memes I've saved lately reflect the inner conflict I've been feeling... decidedly unhelpful when you see them all together. lol

I've had a couple of helpful talks with Mom and Chet lately, and I had a 7:30am Zoom meeting with Dr. Ku today.  Getting his perspective and some extra information was helpful and more encouraging than I had expected.  He compared the fibroid to an iceberg, which is an analogy I understood well, and he said my odds of success are 60% if I have the surgery and then move forward.  I don't have perfect clarity or any sort of guarantee of motherhood, but I feel a peace from God that He will be with me and I will be okay if pregnancy does not happen for me.  On some level, I think that's what I was missing before - imagining myself alone receiving that news as crushing and devastating.  I am reminding myself even now that God's grace is with us moment to moment -- it is not there for our imagined future fears or losses - so our pre-grief can feel sharper and more painful, but in any real and present loss, His grace is sufficient to meet our daily needs.  So I am leaning into that with more faith that He has a good and hopeful plan for my future.  No firm decision yet, but processing all of this with more peace.

I think we all want clarity on God's will - as Erwin McManus put it, "We want a detailed road map, but we are handed a compass."  I want to honor God and do what is best for my future, but I am also very motivated to avoid/escape pain, whereas God is very motivated to transform me through it.

"WE DON’T KNOW what God wants us to pray for.  But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers IN HARMONY WITH GOD’S OWN WILL.  And we know that God causes EVERYTHING to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.”  ~Romans 8:26-28

These verses feel helpful right now.  I hear Romans 8:28 on its own so often that I had forgotten this comes right before it - the Holy Spirit is praying for me in harmony with God's will - what a comforting  and powerful thought!  The members of the trinity are working together on my behalf, so I can feel the dark stress cloud lifting even before I make this decision.

Okay, back to fun photos:  An adorable pic of the Lock/Whitaker cousins!

Charlene, Al, and Hilary went to the OSU game on Friday while Kristin and Frankie kept Amelia and Clara!  This picture made me happy!

Here's Perry and Caroline Shankle + Ellie Faye in her cute new pom uniform + Lindsay and her kids on Phoenix's birthday!  (Happy Birthday in Heaven to Sharon today!!) ❤

A beautiful pic of AFD -- her Instagram stories this weekend included a fantastic mini-sermon reminding us of the intensifying spiritual warfare surrounding us, to pray the armor of God and pray for our spiritual leaders!

Fun fact: 13 years ago today, Chettles closed on his first home!!  Lots of fun memories from that day.

Spent most of the weekend lounging in my Let Them hoodie and the Yale PJ pants I bought at Yale in 2005!  They were a little small for me back then, and I'm grateful they fit now.  I had a pretty healthy weekend, and I'm planning to continue that streak this week!

After finishing allllll the homework last night, I watched Tower Heist.  It holds a special place in my heart since it was being filmed while we were in NYC in 2010!  I remember several streets being shut down, and we asked around and someone told us they were filming a movie with Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy, then this came out in 2011!

Okay, I'm not devoting a full post to it, but Friends in Low Places, Two Pina Coladas, Much Too Young, Callin' Baton Rouge, Standing Outside the Fire, Rodeo, The Thunder Rolls, Beer Run, The Dance, and The River... it's a travesty in my book that so many people will never hear these great songs because Garth is over-protective and won't embrace Apple Music or YouTube.  I have seen him in concert twice now (Tulsa and Vegas), and both were fantastic!

"Now I gotta say that the wind and the waves 

and the moon winkin' down at me*

Eases my mind by leaving behind

The heartaches love often brings.

Now I've got a smile that goes on for miles

With no inclination to roam,

And I gotta say that I thank God I stayed,

'Cause this is feelin' more and more like home!"

*The five-syllable "me" at the end of that first sentence just floors me - it brings me so much joy the way he sings it, and the "smile that goes on for miles" line feels fitting! lol  Also, apparently the real lyric is "I think I've gotta stay," but I've always heard it as "I thank God I stayed," so I'm sticking with my version!  Leave it to me to spiritualize the joy he feels being in a bar. lol  Love Garth.  Really need him to come to the 2000s and hop on Apple Music!

Okay, that's all for this Monday morning.

Thanks for stopping by, and hope you have a wonderful week ahead!

❤ ❤ ❤

The Path of Life

Rejoice always.
Pray continually.
Give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God's will for you
in Christ Jesus.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

❤

I am praying for God-given peace and clarity on “the path of life.”

I am fearful of pushing my own agenda;
If God is not in it, I do not want it.

Lately, I haven’t felt quite okay or like myself.  I am overextended, overwhelmed, resisting depression, and numbing with food.  I had a moment of clarity while watching Gladys walk down the aisle, silently hoping someone would stop her and feeling trapped by the momentum of her own decisions.  I could relate to that feeling, but I realized it is up to me -- I am not stuck, and I have full freedom of choice in every area of life.

A friend who lost her fiancé to suicide reminded me that “everything is figure-outable.”  Soon after her video, I saw that quote again -- this time from a cute cowboy mouse on Facebook.  It's a good reminder that nothing is set in stone, and God gives wisdom to those who seek Him.

(The mirror selfie is just me feeling cute in my new pink shirt. lol)

My recent sonogram suggests that another surgery would be needed if I pursue pregnancy and embryo adoption.  This pattern of high vulnerability, high expense, and deferred hope has left me feeling numb.  I meet with my doctor again on Monday to discuss next steps, but more importantly, I will be seeking God’s guidance here.  I don't believe I have ever felt the "not my will but Yours" prayer more sincerely.  I feel a reverent level of fear about pushing for my will and pressing toward single parenthood without God's blessing and favor.

I also know that letting go of the motherhood dream would create a real void in my sense of purpose, one that only God could heal and redirect.  It would be yet another quiet loss that most people would never notice, but it would profoundly impact my self-perception and daily thought patterns.  That hope has been the driving force in most of my major decisions through the past decade, so I would need God's help to face that ambiguous grief, reframe my identity, and embrace His best for me -- whatever that looks like moving forward.

Right now, I feel disconnected, hesitant, and uncertain about all of it -- pursuing adoption, a counseling career, the doctoral path, and/or a future move.  Some of this may be spiritual warfare, but it has all reached a point where I cannot ignore it or keep going at this pace.  I need to be intentional in my prayers, and I need to take action and make some big decisions in the near future.

This was another great and timely reminder for me...

My deepest desires remain the same:

To be strong & healthy in mind, body, soul, and spirit
To live in alignment with God’s heart
To lead others with peace and purpose
To leave a meaningful legacy

The method and plan may shift, but those goals will stand firm.  I may have unintentionally veered off course latey, so I will be praying for God to clarify the path of life and the race He has marked out for me.

Not seeking advice for now, but Spirit-led prayers are appreciated.

❤ ❤ ❤

Photo Friday!

Happy Friday, friends and fam!  I hope it's been a good week!  I decided to throw in a quick blog update in these final moments tonight.  God's kindness has continued to shine in a way that makes me feel grateful, as our Wednesday-Friday jury trial settled, so I had some extra time to devote to homework and counseling paperwork and transcripts!

In addition to that, Chettles asked on Sunday if I "had to" be back at work on Tuesday... and since we had nothing set, I promptly decided to take it as a recovery day from my trip. lol  (Which honestly was needed and helpful, but I'll cover that in the next post.)

After unpacking on Monday night, I made a Tulsa trip to join Chet and Karli and Teresa for the 11am showing of Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale!  Thanks to Chet and Karli for the movie ticket, and it was great getting to see all of them again, as it had been over a month, which is a rarity that I do not care to repeat.

Our pic by the movie poster that you can barely see. =)

This was after our lunch at Mission BBQ... I was happy that Teresa and Karli both randomly wore pink that day too! =)

The movie was pretty great... lots of memories with this series (starting with K-Lamb and TLT back in the day), and I'm happy that they ended it well!

I love a comeback story and I love strong female characters... most improved character goes to Lady Edith!

Panera dinner before movie #1 in 2019 + Pic outside the theater after movie #2 in 2022!  It makes me happy that I've seen all of them with the Wilsons!

Truth:

The Doubletree by the DFW airport gets a 7 out of 10 rating from me - I appreciated the complimentary cookies and shuttle ride to the airport, but the hotel itself was pretty meh.  The Embassy Suites in Frisco (pic below) gets a 9 out of 10, as I very much enjoyed my stay there!  (Only Vegas or NYC hotels can merit a 10 out of 10 in my book for a fantastic view. lol)

Surreal that I was watching Leslie perform live in NYC less than a week ago!!

The marketing genius of T-Swift continues.  She's doing a movie "release party" for one weekend only for her new album dropping October 3rd.  I hopped over to the Regal app to claim my seat 30 minutes after she made that announcement, and the theater was already half full. lol  Kristin sent me the Sugar Llamas ad, and I will gladly enjoy some Swiftie-style mini donuts! =)

Top right = the FB ad that caught my attention while they knew I was in Dallas.  Didn't take me long to decide to go... not quite as good as the one in Branson, but I enjoyed it and learned a couple new things (Like that "RMS" Titanic = Royal Mail Ship because in addition to holding over 2000 passengers, they were carrying loads of cargo across the ocean.)

Kristin with Hope and Miles at Evergreen's Pastries with Parents breakfast! ❤

My current workplace, the Cleveland County Courthouse!  I'm honestly very grateful to be there!!

Our deputies and the metal detector (I get to pass by it since I'm a courthouse employee).  This was a photo posted by the county on FB.

This = my phone notes from Mel's podcast today.  It was a very well-timed reminder for me!

Let them be confused, and let me be clear...

More on that coming right up.

I love you and believe in you, and I believe God is with you and for you today!

❤ ❤ ❤